Author's Note: I too suffer from Irritated Feng Shui Syndrome.

Chapter 30: Monsters

Al wandered around the woods, searching for his elder brother and the Xingese Prince. At the back of his mind, Al sincerely hoped Ed was not out harassing wildlife again.

He could still remember a few months ago how furious that park ranger had been when Ed transmuted all the snakes in the southern wooded area of Dublith to look like candy canes. It hadn't even been Christmas season yet.

"Where did Niisan and Ling go?" he thought out loud. "And why are you following me?"

For Fat-Ass decided to follow Al around.

"I'm still hungry," said Fat-Ass.

"I don't care."

"Fine, I'll going home then. Father keeps a vending machine in my room."

"You have a vending machine in your room?"

"Yes. That way I don't have to go up the stairs when I want a snack."

"I don't think you're dieting right."

Fat-Ass shrugged and walked away, leaving Al to suddenly recall the time Ed turned him into a vending machine during one of their stays at Central Inn. To this day Al did not know how Edward managed to transmute snacks inside him, or where that coin had gone.

"Oh I might as well follow you," said Al. "I'm tired of birds treating me as a statue and Niisan isn't here to scrape my back."

Roy Mustang sat hunched in King Bradley's office, staring at the floor, the sense of despair still dragging him downwards.

"Would you like some tea?" asked Bradley.

"…"

"It's not poisoned, you know. No need to be rude."

"How could this be," breathed Roy. "When did the Homunculi take over the entire country?"

Bradley allowed himself a small smirk. "You know so little, Colonel. We've been here since this country's birth." Bradley took a sip of the tea, and then coughed and spit it out; he forgot that he did poison it. He dumped it in a nearby plant while Roy was still distracted by his thoughts.

"You had us all fooled into thinking you were actually human," continued Roy. "Do you even need to eat? How much food have you been wasting?"

"That is beside the point."

"Were you even sad at Maes Hughes's funeral?"

"Everyone was sad that day. The failure of that rocket launch has considerably lowered the morale of our soldiers and put a serious dent in our space department's funding."

Roy looked up. "We have a space department?" Then he frowned and shook the thought from his head. "But you have a son, too, don't you? Does he even know?"

"About the space department?"

"No, about you being a Homunculus!"

"I will not be blackmailed, if that is what you are attempting to do. I advise you to worry about yourself, Colonel Mustang."

"What are you talking about?"

"As we speak, I am reassigning your loyal subordinates. We will be using them against you to keep you in line."

Roy's fists clenched over the fabric covering his knees, his face turning into an uncharacteristically ugly expression. "They don't like being used." It was a fact that never quite sunk in with Roy himself, actually. Just last week he used them as speed bumps.

"This isn't over," continued Roy.

"First Lieutenant Hawkeye!"

"Huh? Sergeant Fuery?"

It was already morning. Having not been dismissed by the Colonel, Liza stood outside the entire night. Curse my overwhelming sense of duty, she had thought to herself, her legs aching terribly.

"Lieutenant," Fuery showed her a manila envelope that had been opened. "This morning people from the Personnel Affairs Department came to see me. They said I've been relocated to Southern Headquarters!"

"What?"

"And it's not just me, they've relocated the others too!"

"Why the sudden-"

"First Lieutenant Liza Hawkeye!" some men in uniform came down the steps towards her. "You are hereby promoted to the position of the Fuhrer's personal assistant." He handed her the manila envelope he was carrying. "Congratulations," he added emotionlessly.

"What?" she took it in both hands, frowning. "What happened to Philip?"

The Personnel Affairs officer lifted a paper from his clipboard to read something underneath it. "The official report states that he is incapable of his duties due to needing mouth surgery after a golfing incident."

"Oh dear."

"Starting tomorrow, you are to report to King Bradley's office at Central Headquarters. And bring a maid uniform."

As a side note, Philip never really pulled off the maid uniform.

"Yippy! Yippy, where are you?"

Candy led the odd trio all around town in the search for her beloved pet. She had set up traps at different points in hopes of catching the adventurous dog, but so far they remained forlornly empty.

It might have been because her idea of a small dog trap consisted of leaving a designer handbag open.

"Oh dear, will I ever see her again?"

"Why don't you just get a new one?" said Yoki.

"She's not like my breasts, Yoki, I can't just replace her."

Candy turned to Zit. "Oh Zit, thank you so much for helping me look for my dog."

"I'm Scar now," said Scar. "The zit on my forehead popped a while ago and left a disfiguring scar on my forehead."

"Oh my."

"I like 'Scar.' It's really dramatic," said Yoki. "Can I be 'Snake'?"

"No."

They were into their search for a few hours when Scar spotted an odd pair; Fat-Ass and Al walking through the trashed alleyway of a seemingly abandoned building complex.

"That fat one… they called him a 'Homunculus'."

"Homunculus?"

"And that's the Fullmetal Alchemist's brother. Why are they together?"

"The Fullmetal Alchemist?" her face lit up. "He's the one researching the Internet, isn't he? Maybe he can help me find ways to be younger!"

They watched Al and Fat-Ass disappear through a mysterious set of barred doors that led into the sewers.

"Right," said Scar. "Let's follow them."

"I'm not going in there," protested Yoki. "It's unhygienic."

"You haven't bathed in three days, what do you care?"

"Oh if you must know, I've had a terrible childhood experience that gave me a crippling fear of the sewer."

"What happened?"

"One day, when I was eight years old, my elder brother thought it would be funny to trick me into going into a sewer. It turned out to be one of the worst days of my childhood."

"Why?"

"It was the day my parents divorced."

"But… you… never mind."

Yippy shivered inside Al's belly. She could sense the malevolent creatures hiding amongst the pipes above them.

"Why is the ceiling drooling?" Al looked up, but it was too dark to see what was lurking there.

"Those are the pets," replied Fat-Ass. "Father's a hoarder."

"… Huh. Um, so is this where you and this 'Father' live?"

"Yes."

"Under the city like this?"

"Uh-huh."

Al meant to write all this down but then remembered that his writing arm was gone. How was anyone supposed to believe him now?

"Don't… don't look at me..."

Edward Elric stared at the enormous, revolting creature before him. Despite all he had seen until now, despite its very presence before him, he almost could not bring himself to believe what he was seeing. "What has science done?" he breathed.

"I know," said Ling, his voice barely above a whisper, so powerful did the sight before them strike him.

"It's so…"

"… so…"

They both said it at once.

"… Fluffy."

The enormous, grey cat looked at them with lamp-like green eyes, swishing its poofy tail and flicking its large, fuzzy ears. It was massive enough to sit atop of Central Headquarters and shed all over it.

"Mrrrow," it said. The cat then sat down, licking its paw and cleaning its ears.

"Oh my god it's so precious," Ling held his hands up to his face in sheer giddiness. "I just want to pet it, Edward!"

Ed looked revolted. "Urgh, you're just like Al." Ed was grateful Al wasn't there to attempt stuffing the impossibly huge animal inside his stomach cavity. "I mean, you've gotta be kidding me. That's Spam's big scary true form?"

Suddenly, the cat stood up, back arched and hackles raised. It pulled back its ears and hissed. Ed realized his error in underestimating his enemy; if normal-sized cats could scratch and bite (knowledge he had experienced first-hand, thanks to his brother), then surely Spam's cat form would have katana-like claws and fangs.

"Ling – brace yourself!"

The cat swung its colossal tail at the boys; Ed flew into a piece of wall, causing it to crack. Ling landed on top of a tall pile of single socks, forever lost from many a dryer.

"Ow, I think that fluffy bastard broke some of my ribs," whined Ling.

"I told you, you can't trust cats!"

The cat hissed again. "Bring it… brats…" Its fur-covered skin started to ripple and undulate, as though there where hundreds of smaller beings moving underneath…

Ed transmuted swords out of some metal pipes he had found sticking out of another broken wall. He threw one at Ling, who caught it by the hilt.

Ling then lunged at the cat, stabbing a paw.

"Got you! Huh?!" Three smaller paws emerged from the bubbling skin and scratched him. "Ow!"

The cat swiped at Ling again and sent him flying once more. Ed used this opportunity to attack him from the side, but was met with another bizarre sight. A cat's head emerged from the mass of fur, its eyes wide with sadness.

"I can has cheezeburger?"

"Wha-?"

As though that were not horrific enough, its jaws stretched wide open and another cat head emerged from within its mouth. This one had a stern set of eyes and a downturned mouth.

"No."

Ling came from above, stabbing the strange head.

"What are you doing?!" he landed next to Ed. "Don't just stand there!"

"There was a cat-"

"No there wasn't-"

"I saw it-"

"Snap out of it, Edward! It was a monster! They are all monsters!"

"He just wanted a cheeseburger, Ling!"

All over the cat's body, animal heads and limbs were popping in and out of existence, squirming sickeningly like a corpse infested with maggots. In the echoless space of Fat-Asses stomach, their voices boomed loud and clear.

"These aren't my glasses."

"404 Not Found."

"Oh, you."

"MAH BUKKIT."

"Ermahgerd."

More paws reached out to them from the cat's body. Ed stood shocked, staring as Ling swiped at them with his sword.

"Wow, such stab, so effort."

"Shut up!"

One of the cat's huge paws picked Ed up and slammed him back-first onto one of the larger concrete islands, breaking his left arm. In the bewildered aftermath of the attack, Ed could make out a mysterious carving on another stone wedge to his right. "… huh? Is that…?"

The cat hovered above him and opened its mouth. Its tongue, too, was made of animals materializing in and out of existence, all talking in annoyingly broken English.

"stoopid hooman eated all mah fud."

"Y u no pet me."

"YOLO."

Twenty or thirty paws lifted Ed up into its mouth.

"Ed!" shouted Ling. "Wake up! It's eating you!" He tried to run, but his broken ribs sent him to his knees.

Once Ed was completely inside its mouth, the cat bit down.

"EDWARD!"

His body was enveloped by the moving animal parts within seconds, a haunting keyboard sound resonating throughout the inside of the cat's mouth. In the sea of fur, paws, ears, and wet noses, right before he slipped from consciousness, Ed saw it; the Android.

"Wha… oh right… the Homunculus's core…" it was about a foot away from his right arm, its screen glowing blue in an almost calming way. "All these years searching… it's so close but I can't reach it…"

The memory of the Xerxes ruins came flooding into his mind and his eyes flew open with an epiphany.

"SPAM! LET ME OUT!" He kicked out a tooth, and the cat meowed angrily in pain. "We might be able to get out of here!"

While walking through the sewer, Al thought he heard something aside from the menacing growls and hisses above them.

"Is that muffled screaming coming from your stomach, Fat-Ass?"

"Yes, it happens sometimes. It's because I'm hungry."

"Stomachs normally growl when someone is hungry, not scream."

"Mine screams."

"But I thought I heard distinct voices, too."

"All normal."

"HI-YA!" Not far behind Al and Fat-Ass, Candy fought valiantly against the mutated creatures that attacked her and Scar using the alkahestry and martial arts she had learned at Xingese University.

"These things are horrible!" she delivered a kick to a particularly gruesome chimera that had the body of a snake but the head of a horned jaguar. "Honestly, this is why I prefer pure-breds!"

Scar knew very little about animals, but he was fairly certain Candy knew much less. "… They're chimeras, not dogs," he said, blasting one after the other with his deadly arm. "They must be guarding something." He killed another chimera that had the head of a sharp-fanged dog and the body of a large eagle. He did not notice the collar around its neck with the bone-shaped metal tag that sported the name "Buddy." Little did Scar know that Buddy was Father's favorite. He had been a rescue.

Ling sat at Ed's side, putting together a makeshift cast out of some pieces of wood and fabric he had found.

"This should do for now. Try not to put too much strain on it."

"Oh no, but my violin concert's in an hour! Whatever will I do?"

Ling pulled especially hard on the last knot, making Ed yelp.

"Done. Anyway, do you really think we could get out of here?"

Ed looked at the broken wall with the sigil of a lion eating the sun. Or it might have been a cat coughing up a fur ball, it was too worn to truly tell, but he was willing to try anything at this point.

"Yes, I think we might have a chance. Can you help us, Spam?"

He turned to look at the giant cat, only to see it sleeping because Ling was scratching its ears.

"Ling!"

"Sorry! But just look at him, Ed, he's purring!"

"I'm about to throw a shoe at him if you don't wake him up."

"Don't! You'll make him run away!"

Ed slapped his forehead in frustration, nearly giving himself a concussion.

Author's Note: So how does everyone like cat!Spam? :3

In other news, I have a really sad and somewhat bare Deviantart account that I float in and out of under the name "Chibesque" (statements like these make me a terrible salesperson). I'm hoping to eventually be more involved in it as I practice my Photoshop skills… But feel free to check it out in the meantime ^_^

PS: I don't think anyone remembers that small golfing joke from the River of Stupid chapter at this point.