Chapter 36: Dui Bu Qi (Sorry)

Dedicated to Kiyofugi. Thank you so much for all your words of support and your enthusiasm for urging me on to continue this. This one's for you. Thank you.

[I "Piùmi duol che tu m'hai colto ne la miseria dov tu mi vedi che quando fui de l'altra vita tolto" /i

If there had ever been a time when I was this happy, it would be when I had finally graduated college with a degree in English. If there was ever a time where I could walk on air, it would be the time I got my first book published. But if there was ever a time when I just beamed with happiness and nothing could bring me down, not ever, it would be now.

Being back at work had never brought me such joy. I had always thought that I wouldn't fit in. I figured that with my upbringing there wouldn't be a place for me in this country. But how wrong was I? To have found someone who was willing to make a place for me in his life so that I could live with him until the end.

I feel like my heart could just burst with happiness. It's as if there's a magical spell that's been laid on me right after he slipped the ring on my finger and I had somehow become the princess that I've always dreamed of when I was younger. It as was if there was nothing that could stop us. There's something so beautiful about being in love. I never really thought about it until now. Just the thought of someone so close to you and willing to spend the rest of their life with you. I never thought it could bring such simple bliss.

[i"I suffer more because you've caught me in this, the misery you see, than I suffered when taken from the other life."/i

"You're really good at just sitting there staring out at the window when there's about three days left until DBSK's next concert."

"Don't patronize me, Hankyung, I was happily thinking about how amazing the concert will be."

"Don't lie, I can tell you're just happy that you're getting married."

"That too. Why are you here?"

"Two reasons. One, my visa didn't let me go onto the next show that everyone else is on, and two, I decided now would be a good time to be a hawk and stare at you to make sure you get this stuff done."

"I will be done! I've only been gone for what? Three? Maybe four days? All that needs to be done is just the finishing touches."

"You're unbelievable you know that?"

"And what makes you say that?"

"Well, when you randomly left, there was barely anything here but a bunch of scraps of cloth and here you've already got pretty much all of them done. How do you do it?"

"Hankyung, there's a very interesting phrase where I come from and it's 'sleep is for the weak, caffeine is your ultimate drug of choice.' does that help you any?"

"I'm going to say yes. Whatever that means."

"In other words. Screw sleep and work."

"Oh... right. And this is how everything is done?"

"That's the way the world works. You don't get something done in time for the deadline, you're fired. It doesn't matter if you're the president of the United States, the King of England, or whatever, when someone has deadlines to meet. He should meet them. Simple as that. And I need to make up for the time I was gone."

"I see... OUCH What the Hell! Why is there a pin cushion here?"

"Because I put it there for my convenience and not for your ass to sit on."

"You're mean..."

"Only when I want to be."

"So when's the wedding?"

"Tomorrow. Over my dead body."

"Really?"

"No. We haven't figured out when yet, probably within the year though."

"And what makes you think that?"

"I don't know. It's just a thought."

"Right, how many hours of sleep did you get last night?"

"Uhm... somewhere between two to three hours in here I think."

"You slept in the studio."

"Why not? It's got enough clothes to make a suitable bed."

"You slept... in the STUDIO."

"Yes and?"

"Are you crazy?"

"That question's only relevant when you're comparing two or more people. Who are you comparing me to?"

"I'm comparing you to the rest of the population."

"Then no, I'm sure there's someone out there that's less sane than I am."

"And what makes you say that?"

"I'm going to quote Edgar from King Lear for you to prove my point. 'When we our betters see bearing our woes, We scarcely think our miseries our foes. Who alone suffers suffers most I' th' mind. Leaving free things and happy shows behind. But then the mind much sufferance doth o'erskip When grief hath mates and bearing fellowship.'"

"Uhm... one more time? In normal common language please your majesty?"

"When we see people better than us suffering the same thing, we get the feeling that we're suffering less. It's the same thing with insanity. Or in your words my state of 'crazy'. There are just other people who have worse cases of craziness than I do."

"Uh huh... Maybe I should tell Yunho that he's going to end up marrying someone who's crazy compared to him."

"Well why don't you tell him I'm sorry that I can't be perfect."

"Tell who that you can't be perfect?"

"Oh! Yunho! Practice is over already?"

"Yeah, they want us to rest up for the concert."

"It's two days away, dear, I don't see why you have to rest."

"Are you telling me that you're willing to work me to death for this concert?"

"Don't you guys always work yourselves to death even without my coaxing?"

"Ooh... Lover's quarrel... I'm debating on whether or not to get a bowl of popcorn and watch this."

"Hankyung, you can be quite a bastard when the time calls for it."

"Yes, and last time I checked, you're every bit as mean as I am."

"I'm not going to deny it."

"And I'm not going to deny that you've locked yourself in here for long enough. Come on, I'm taking you out."

"Where?"

"To somewhere special, where else?"

"Does it involve you wearing a giant trench coat and a hat and calling it 'incognito?'"

"No, but it's somewhere cool. Come on. You're welcome to come along if you want, Hankyung."

"Nah, I'd hate to break up your date for being the third wheel. I'm gonna go back and practice for our next live."

"You do that. We'll be watching. Come on, Yashi, let's go."

"Of course."

I could never get over how warm and comforting his hands are. The way that they carry an aura of authority. His hands are an everlasting source of power and a source of trust that I can find myself putting my whole heart and soul in.

"So... where are you taking me?"

"Somewhere amazing."

"Last time you said that I ended up in your room listening to a train wreck of a song."

"But it got better didn't it?"

"I guess..."

"Look. We're here."

"A concert hall? This is what you wanted to show me? The next place that you're going to perform in? No offense... but it's not exactly very flattering. If you know what I mean."

"What? Are you saying it's not awesome?"

"Exactly what I'm saying."

[I "E detto l'ho perché doler ti debbia."/i

"But... you haven't even walked inside! Come on. I promise it'll be cool."

"Fine. If you say so."

Hand in hand we walked through the large double doors that towered over us and into the empty hall. It was huge. Larger than any of the ones that I had seen before, it was just majestic in every single way possible. Grand arching beams supported the dome where sound could fault itself around and reach even the furthest seat.

The hugeness of it all, all the seats, all the red plush seats that soon would be filled. I could only imagine what it would be like to stand in front of all the people that would soon eagerly sit and watch as my fiancé and his group would perform. It was a mind boggling thought, all those women that he could have chosen from, and yet from all those beautiful women that he could have chosen from, he chose me. Of all the people in this world, I couldn't feel more blessed to be with him at that moment.

"I told you it's amazing."

"Yeah... it is."

"Follow me, there's something else I want to show you."

He led me towards the center of the stage where it was dimly lit and in the center stood a grand black piano. A fine instrument that stood out against the great dome. I could only imagine what else he wanted to show me. He sat down at the seat that waited expectantly and started to play the song that I had grown so accustomed to him playing.

Each not resonated with such a passion, with such a beautiful power that echoed itself around the empty hall that I couldn't imagine what it would be like when it was filled with thousands upon thousands of fans. I could only wish that they could feel the emotions that were put into this song, I could only hope that they found the meaning in the song that we had put into this piece. I could only pray that they would understand where all of this came from.

It really was a beautiful song, his voice proved that, every note, every word flowed from his lips so smoothly. It was listening to velvet, each note accompanied by a gorgeous word, it brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't help but feel a strong, painful constriction in my heart. Part of me said that there was something wrong. There shouldn't be something like this happening. Another part just simply told me it was the love I felt.

And yet, another part, was begging forgiveness from him. A small part of my mind was saying the word 'sorry' over and over again.

I didn't know why until the world started to spin and turn black.

I didn't know why my mind kept on saying that word until I heard my own body hit the hard wooden floor of the stage. I didn't know any of it until I understood, half conscious why I was so sorry.

I didn't understand until I heard the music stopped.

I was sorry that I wouldn't live to see him sing this to me life.

I was sorry that I would have to go.

I was sorry that I knew at that point, that I was going to die.

I was sorry for everything.

I was sorry that I didn't understand this until it was too late.

[iAnd I have told you this to make you grieve./i