Chapter 37: He Has Spies!

"Hari." Pein walked onto the training field, idly watching his adoptive nephew bouncing around with weights approved by Maito Gai. The boy seemed to be taking a positive delight in throwing multiple A-rank techniques at the surrounding grassland (which was rapidly turning into a wasteland) and generally indulging in wanton destruction.

"Yes, Uncle Pein?" Hari had just finished seeing what happened if he threw Intelligent Hard Work into a Pressure Damage and then kept adding more layers of Pressure Damage to the mix.

Pein watched a crispy bird come plummeting from the sky, just missing his nose as the inferno grew further out of control, turning into a column of fiery tornado the width of . . . well, a bunch of space. One hand casually rose. "Heavenly Gaze of the Omnipresent God." There was a distinct lack of sound as the entire thing didn't so much go out as simply vanish in an instant. "I think you have caused the citizens enough distress for the day. I want to talk to you."

"Alright." Hari began conjuring Shadow Clones and fighting them.

"I have come to a decision regarding your autonomy as a pseudo-operative of the Akatsuki."

"I'm going to get to go on missions?"

"No. You're no longer allowed outside of the Tower without an escort."

"Aww."

"And 'escort' means a member of the organization's inner circle—an S-ranked ninja, Hari. And your Clones do not count." Pein observed that his nephew was having the sensation of receiving the memory of being punched a moment before receiving it and with it was getting the sensation of being about to be punched while also experiencing the moment of about to punch.

X

X

==Five Minutes Ago==

"Pein?"

Pein looked up from his map of the world. He'd pushed a few things around and was consulting a sheaf of notes and making adjustments to his collection of figurines. The slug figure had been removed—although the Fire Hat now had a little sake bottle hanging off of a tassel.

"Yes, Sasori?" Pein sounded frustrated, no doubt because he'd been spending the better part of an hour trying to work out why Waterfall had suddenly begun recalling military assets and had gone into a complete lockdown.

"I see you're holding this morning's intelligence report."

"Thank you for that insight."

"I think I might be able to explain the sudden change."

Pein cocked his head. "I'm going to regret this. Why?"

"Well, the reports are unconfirmed, but . . ."

"What happened?"

"It appears that someone stole all of the Hero Water."

"Someone what?"

"This is all hearsay, mind you. And I don't have any potential leads, but it's a matter of some concern that a major enhancement like that is now in play and . . ."

"And Hari."

"I'm sorry?"

"He said he needed to take a trip yesterday."

"I'm not sure how that—"

"Something about getting together some stuff for school. And he mentioned that he was headed. . ."

"To Waterfall?"

"He mentioned something about seeing the sights."

"Like the Hero Water?"

"It would appear so. This is Hari, though—he seems to have a knack for acquiring things he's not supposed to have."

"An admirable trait in a ninja."

"Not on this scale." Pein rubbed his face. "So the only good news is that we don't have to worry about Waterfall trying to declare war on us. No accurate descriptions or anything."

"About that . . ."

"What else?"

"While no one was able to accurately describe the person involved, he or she was wearing a black cloak with red clouds on it."

"Of course."

"On the upside, without their Hero Water, Waterfall can't afford an engagement against us, even if we do employ their most wanted criminal."

"That's something."

"Up until now, that would have been Kakuzu."

"Thank you."

"Just trying to help, Pein."

"So that's a major village and two minor ones Hari has managed to annoy in the space of about two weeks?"

Sasori looked down at his wooden fingers and mumbled for a moment. "Maybe more if someone was planning to hire Waterfall for something."

"Right. That's it." Pein stormed out of the room, leaving Sasori to stare at the map in wonder at the amount of damage a boy not even thirteen could do. Even Itachi had waited until he was thirteen and had only slaughtered a major clan, not potentially started multiple wars simultaneously.

"It just goes to prove what I've been saying about the right force in the right place," he murmured.

X

X

Tsunade sat in the Hokage manor, staring at a report from Jiraiya. What she was reading couldn't possibly be true. Apparently the old letch had actually cut short his whoring because of some incident he had to investigate. The sake wasn't helping, either, because things should be making more sense than that.

Of course there was the later report from Jiraiya that explained what the incident was. Apparently "someone" had made off with all of Waterfall's Hero Water. It wasn't clear if the village had a way of getting more without an extant sample, so it was possible that a minor village had been permanently crippled by the loss. She was having a debate with herself about whether or not she should tell Jiraiya that she knew who the perpetrator was. It could be that a random member of the Akatsuki decided to make off with a valuable and highly guarded substance without causing major casualties in the process, but somehow it seemed like exactly the kind of thing that her recent visitor would do (to judge from the stuff he'd done. Perhaps he'd thought he was being helpful?) and it was only a question of whether her amusement at Jiraiya's confusion (how did the man not remember someone who'd featured so heavily in a report he wrote less than a year ago?) outweighed the importance to the village of having its spymaster fully up to date that was keeping her from enjoying a moment of relaxed smirking before returning to her mystification that Jiraiya had managed to leave a brothel early even for something as major as the theft of the Hero Water.

"Tsunade?" came a hesitant voice.

"Shizune," Tsunade sighed. "What went wrong?"

"What makes you think something went wrong?"

"When I'm wearing this hat, you only call me by my name when you're trying to keep me calm while giving me bad news."

"Oh. Um . . . well . . . the thing is . . ."

"We're not being invaded; I'm not drunk enough to miss that."

"Are you ever drunk enough?"

"Sadly, no. Nothing has exploded beyond normal training. My apprentice hasn't killed a patient. Lee's weights haven't been stolen again. Ibiki finally managed to get the doors squeaking again—and gods did Mitarashi complain about rust-creation duty—speaking of which: Mitarashi didn't manage to kill anyone on her way to dumplings-with-sauce. Kakashi hasn't lost more porn. The memorial stone still stands. Gai hasn't decided to forego the Way of Youth. The Academy is still full of students instead of future homicidal maniacs with PTSD—oh wait . . . no, still normal. My sake hasn't run out. You haven't found a boyfriend. Yuuhi and Sarutobi are still under the impression that they are subtle. My sake hasn't run out. The ANBU are still where they belong. And Jiraiya is probably still a pervert. What am I missing?"

"Uchiha Sasuke left the village."

"Fuck."

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Uchiha Sasuke jogged down the road wearing the guise of a young man headed on an errand for his elderly granny. The ability to be someone other than himself had been a point that Kabuto had stressed, so Sasuke even had a small basket of treats for an old woman. He would use it to beat someone and steal his clothes a few miles away and then be someone on the way to go fishing. Or maybe a traveling merchant—it depended what he found on the corpse.

It was amusing how easy it was to evade ANBU after attempting to murder Orochimaru. Compared to the Snake Sage, ANBU might as well be civilians—which made sense, given the number of people who would like to have Orochimaru's head over their gates (starting with Sasuke and the ANBU he'd just evaded).

He hoped that Kabuto would keep him appraised of how things went in Leaf. Given what the Hokage had been complaining about, his adopted cousin was incredibly inventive in ways to make use of the Uchiha name. It had been odd to see so many people wearing shirts with his family crest on it and even odder to see the jewelry with the Uchiha fan (and don't get him started on the subject of the Uchiha™ kunai). Most worrying had been the body-pillows—Sasuke felt certain that his best friend was being corrupted by the ancient pervert who was training him, but Naruto was filling the Uchiha coffers with more money than ever. And then his crazy best friend was using that money to make more money and generally increase the family's actual political power.

His short exposure to the tower pile of forms he'd needed to fill out and the similarly daunting list of meetings he needed to hold and letters to be written had been enough to make him certain that he was better off leaving everything in Naruto's hands. In fact, it had been one of the chief reasons he'd decided to leave so soon. Until Naruto returned to Leaf, Sasuke had no intention of being the Head of the clan—not while it meant he had to handle all that.

So it was, that he had a light heart at abandoning his home a second time, the teetering stacks of paperwork in his memory giving him a warm feeling with the knowledge that it wasn't his problem.

X

X

"I want a report from the commander of the ANBU about how a thirteen-year-old managed to evade them so thoroughly," Tsunade said as she pushed open the door to her office. "And then someone send Naruto a letter saying that . . . he's . . ." the state of her desk slowly dawned on her. "Shizune?"

"Yes?"

"Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

"That your sake pile has stacks of gleaming paperwork on it?"

"Yes."

"Indeed you are."

Tsunade shielded her eyes as she approached. "How did he manage to polish paperwork?"

"I'm guessing with chakra, Tsunade."

Tsunade threw a cancelation on the pile and sighed as the glow toned down to merely dim. "This . . . this is all the paperwork for the Uchiha. He's even done a month in advance."

"That was most conscientious of Uchiha Sasuke, to do that before he left."

"It's signed by Naruto."

"Oh."

"How did he manage that?" Shizune opened her mouth. "If you say 'with a brush' I will be most annoyed." Shizune's mouth closed. "I mean, we haven't even announced it yet, let alone had enough time for the news to travel to . . . I think they're headed to Waterfall, so around there."

The Hokage stormed over to the window and glared out at the village. For a time, she stared in silence at the people going about their business outside, apparently deep in thought. The ANBU commander stood at attention, wondering if he was going to have to explain a failure, or just die of old age (a nasty part of his mind pointed out that his leader was likely to do that first) and Shizune began to scuttle about, moving the paperwork to the appropriate people and muttering about how she could get a boyfriend if she wanted.

"Um . . . I think I can explain how he got away," began the ANBU commander.

"He has spies!" hissed Tsunade. "In my village!"

"I don't think that's why, my lady."

"Not just spies! That isn't enough." Tsunade slammed a fist down on the windowsill, smashing it into splinters. "He has clones spying on me!"

"I don't think Uchiha Sasuke knows any clone techniques usable for spying, my lady."

"I gave him my necklace! How could he be so suspicious?"

The ANBU commander shifted uneasily. The last time he'd seen the missing boy, he'd not been wearing a necklace and a perusal of his effects had not turned up any jewelry either (the sixteen poison rings and various concealed weapons disguised as small items including the six miniature daggers on chains and decorated with the Uchiha crest didn't count—the boy was a ninja, after all).

"I want every ANBU member looking for him!"

"Understood, my lady." The ANBU commander paused—this would normally be unthinkable, but he was already confused at the moment and wanted to make sure. "I'll have them track down Uchiha Sasuke."

"What?" snapped Tsunade. "Fuck that! Find Uchiha Naruto!"

"I'll send a team to Waterfall to intercept—"

"Not the real one!"

"I'm sorry, my lady?"

"His clones!"

"Understood, my lady. It shall be as you will." The ANBU commander left the room in a panic. It was hard enough to find a single Naruto who wasn't learning the spy trade from Leaf's spymaster—now he had to try and find at least one of many. In any other case, that would increase his odds that a team would turn something up, but Naruto had been dodging ANBU so long that the commander was fairly certain that having more of them would at best make them unable to find any of them and at worst would result in the various clones aiding one another in evading his patrols. He was doomed.

X

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==OUT TAKE==

"Class," said Hari, "today we have a guest instructor." He pointed to a hunchbacked figure with a mask over its face and a freakish haircut that looked like someone had carved wood and glued it to his head.

"Greetings, class," the man's voice was like a cultured death rattle. "I am Sasori of the Red Sand. I will be teaching you today about the ways your foe might try to attack you indirectly."

A hand rose at the back of the room. "Yes, Mister Ashcroft?"

"How did you know my name?"

"I know more than that, Mister Ashcroft. Do you want me to demonstrate?"

"I just wanted to know why you don't have a family name."

"Because people remember me for living in the desert. And for leaving a trail of bodies in my wake as well as the leveling of a small country in a single day. There was a lot of blood."

"Oh."

"We begin with how to deal with the blackmailing of a friend or lover . . ."

X

X

"So I would like to thank our guest instructor," Dumbledore said from the head of the Great Hall. He looked at the misshapen form that appeared to be looking at the hall with its unblinking stare. "I am sure that his lessons in how to handle counter-intelligence issues are welcome. I know that we will all sleep less soundly in our beds knowing that anyone we trust can be easily suborned by someone with the right skills. Perhaps this will encourage you to sleep in your own beds for a change.

"I am similarly glad that we are all aware of the dangers of poison in everyday foodstuffs and those toxins that can be used by less common methods. The fact that a dangerous topical-paralytic looks just like common starch used for laundry is a bowel-looseningly terrifying one. I give three hundred points to Mister Potter for going to Diagon Alley to collect the bezoars needed to help with recovery from these lessons. I am sure that the House Elves will be absolutely terrified when they go about their tasks that they are about to harm one of their charges.

"Please don't ever come back."

(A/N John)

And so we finish another lesson from the Akatsuki. I have several more planned out. Yes, eventually they will all get their non-canonical chance to instruct the youth of Hogwarts.

(A/N 2 John)

Also, this chapter has so much that is set up for future chapters (read: Chapter 38) that I'm amazed it all panned out.

(A/N 3 John)

For those of you wondering: Tsunade is convinced that the only way Naruto could have done all the paperwork is by spying on the village so he knew he was head of the Uchiha again.

(A/N 4 John)

She might be right.

(A/N 5 John)

Poor Lockhart. It's not that he's a nice person, but he's going to be blamed for yet more things soon.

(A/N 6 John)

Though possibly not for a while.

(A/N 7 John)

Hope ya'll aren't too attached to some people, though. I decided that we've not had enough deaths recently.