Day 38: Regrets
"Han, we've barely escaped the other times. Or have you forgotten?" Leia answered quickly to his remark.
"If I may say so sir, Mistress Leia is quite correct. The previous two encounters we've had with Imperial Star Destroyers haven't exactly been pleasant" added 3P0.
"Well I'm glad you're here to remind us of these things Goldenrod" Han said, looking back out to the ships looming in the distance.
[Like I said, we could go around.]
"What if we just waited here for a while. We're far enough away that they won't spot us, and they're not coming towards us. Maybe they'll break up" he suggested.
"Han, the Empire is scattered all over the galaxy trying to find us, you don't think that they won't patrol…."
"Listen Sweetheart" he said, raising a hand in her direction, "Lando's got no love for the Empire, and they certainly aren't going to seek him out for any reason, even now."
"But sir, what if…"
"Shut up Goldenrod. I already told you…they're not here to block us."
[Cub, you know very well that they could…]
Han gave his co-pilot a stare that cut him off. "Look, we'll just wait a bit longer and see what happens, ok?"
"Han, look" Leia said, pointing out the cockpit window and towards the two Star Destroyers ahead of them. "They're moving."
"See, what'd I tell you? No problem."
[We should still be cautious Cub. There might be more.]
"I know Pal."
Soon one of the ships blasted into hyperspace, and after a few minutes, the other followed, but in the opposite direction, leaving the view of the looming planet clear.
Log of the Millennium Falcon
5/24/3902
You know, I'm starting to agree with Leia. I've got a bad feeling about this.
As much as I hate to admit it, Goldenrod is right. It can't just be chance that there are star destroyers in between us and Bespin…especially so close. Although I didn't say it, I'm sure everyone (alright…probably not Goldenrod) knew that they were close enough for a landing party. If someone from the Empire wanted to stop at Bespin, that's where the destroyers would have been hanging around.
Luckily Vader's ship wasn't there, otherwise I'd say let's just start trying to figure out a backup plan, not that we really could have one anyway. Either way, it means that Vader's probably somewhere on the other side of the galaxy at the moment, and we should be safe.
Still though, I had better make sure that Chewie keeps his eyes open for anything suspicious. I don't want any trouble at Bespin. We've had enough already, and although I don't really trust Lando, what other option have we got? It's either Bespin or we all die. Well, we wouldn't die probably, but we'd be stranded in space for quite some time, and it'd be too risky to call the Rebellion for help. We'd probably end up tracking in the entire Empire doing that.
Not that Leia hasn't tried. I've stopped her a few times, just wanteding to comm. the rebellion and at least send them a message saying we were ok, even a coded one. But any transmission could be dangerous, and I'm not bringing Leia into any more danger than I have to. It's bad enough that I'm leaving.
But then there was that kiss yesterday in the back hold, I mean, what was that all about? I mean, we've had some great moments as far as kissing goes, but that one was just…different. It's probably just my imagination though, and either way…nothing can happen, so what does it matter.
Although on the other hand, I fully intend on spending these last couple days with Leia as much as possible, and hopefully by the time I get her safely back to the Alliance she'll understand that I do want to come back…and if I've beaten the odds this many times, why not beat them again?
Journal of the Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
24th Day, 5th Month, 3902nd Year
If I had a bad feeling about going to Bespin before, I certainly have a really bad feeling now.
According to Han, Lando's got no love for the Empire, and he hasn't had any contact with them in as long as he can remember. His mining colony keeps pretty much under wraps, and has supported those against the Empire before, including the Rebellion itself. But it seems awfully strange to me that two star destroyers just happen to appear in between us and Bespin…and I'm sure Han was lying when he said we were too far away to be noticed.
What if the Empire has known this entire time where we were headed? It would be quite easy to have someone stay behind to watch if we were still there after the others jumped to hyperspace. That person could have then tracked our coordinates and sent them back to the Empire, letting them know where we were going ahead of time.
Plus, Vader's ship wasn't there, and as much as I hate him, Vader would be smart enough to know to leave his ship behind and take just a regular Star Destroyer. I feel like between them being there, randomly, not noticing us, and Vader's ship not being present, it would be very possible that he's now on the planet, hiding…or plotting…until we arrive.
And no matter how much dislike this Lando has for the Empire, it's not easy to refuse Vader. I should know. Granted, I was tortured on the Death Star and still managed to survive without telling them anything except for the former Rebel base, but they did track me back to the current one, even after Han insisted that we weren't being followed…just goes to show that Han could be wrong again.
Granted, I fully trust Han, and agree that this is the only option we have, but I still don't think it's a good idea…and fully expect us to lay low and get out of there as fast as possible. Then again, I don't have a lot of time left with Han, and the longer we stay on Bespin, the longer I still have him, and there's a part of me that hopes he'll change his mind.
"So we've just got the hyperdrive to fix, right?"
[Well there are other repairs to be made, but that is the only one we would need to safely make the trip back to the Rebellion.]
"Good. At least we can get out of there quickly if need be" Han replied, sitting down at the holo chess table in the main hold, across the room from his co-pilot.
[So what's up with you and the Princess?] Chewie asked after a moment.
"Nothing out of the ordinary, why?"
[Well she just seemed to be acting differently this morning.]
"We were in a bit of a bind, in case you hadn't noticed Pal" he pointed out.
[Of course we were, and normally by that point she's ready to rip your head off. She didn't do that this morning.]
"Then what did she do?"
[She complimented you.]
"Yeah, what's so different about that?"
[When was the last time she complimented you in a situation like that?]
Han opened his mouth as if to answer, but shut it, thinking. He had no answer.
[I told you. She was acting differently.]
"Alright, fine, you're right…that's the first time she acted like that. But why is that such a big deal?"
[I just want to make sure you want to leave.]
"Chewie, we've been over this a million times" he said, standing up and walking towards his friend. "We have to leave, and that's that."
[Cub, I know you and I know the Princess. She won't say anything, but you'll make up continuous excuses to stay just a little bit longer.]
"And when exactly have I done that?" he asked, turning away.
[Yavin, for one.]
"I couldn't just leave the kid hanging! They all would have died without me!"
[I was talking about after that] the wookiee pointed out.
"Oh" Han responded simply, sitting back down. "Well, I figured that we should just stick around for a while. We didn't need to be anywhere in particular, so why not help out a bit? It never hurts to have half the galaxy on your side."
[I wouldn't call it half the galaxy, but alright. What about Hoth?]
"Chewie, that's a jump of three years there…"
[Shouldn't matter. You just don't want to admit that you came up with excuses.]
"Fine fine, I did make excuses. But Leia needed me. Who was going to comfort her otherwise? Wedge?"
The wookiee got wore an amused look, [I hardly believe that, but what will happen when we reach the base? The Princess is obviously having a hard time with her nightmares, and it will be all too easy for you to stay to comfort her again.]
"Chewie, I know what you're trying to get at, but we have to leave. And I fully plan on coming back."
[Jabba isn't exactly happy with you.]
"Look Pal" Han said, pointing a finger in the wookiee's direction, "I've got more than enough credits to pay him off plus a little extra compared to what I originally told him, so we should be fine."
[And what about the Bounty Hunters that must be scattered all over Tatooine waiting for you to return?]
"We're going straight to Jabba, giving him the money and heading straight back out."
[You know that's not how he works.]
"Well it's how it's gonna have to work Pal, cause I'm not leaving Leia. I can't leave her."
[But yet you are.]
"I know" he sighed, walking out of the room and towards his cabin.
Later that evening Han walked through the doorway and into his cabin, finding Leia on the other side of the room.
"Goldenrod's all set for the night. We'll be getting in to Bespin around 1600 hours their time in two days."
"And what time is that for us?" she asked, turning to face him as he approached.
"About 1200 hours" he continued, wrapping his arms lightly around her and pulling her small form into an embrace. Leia fell easily into him, her head resting on his chest and her own arms wrapped around his waist.
"That doesn't sound too bad. So we've got like a day and a half left? That's it?"
"Pretty much Sweetheart" he responded, lightly kissing the top of her head.
Leia laughed and pulled away to look up at him. "You know Flyboy, I can't believe we're that close. I mean, I've known for days now, but hearing that we only have a day and a half left is just…strange."
"How's it strange?" he asked, running his hand up and down her back once.
"Well remember when we first got started on our way to Bespin?"
"Yeah, you yelled at me, insulted me and my ship and then went storming off."
She laughed again, "I really insulted you?"
"Something about being dead being better than here" he continued, pushing a stray bit of hair back behind her ear.
"Seriously?" she asked, and he could see the regret and fear in her eyes.
"At least I'm pretty sure. You could ask Chewie, he was there too" he laughed, trying to lighten the mood.
"Oh Gods, you know I didn't mean…" she started, but was interrupted when his lips hit hears in a searing kiss. Han pulled away and she tried to apologize again, "Han, I'm…"
"I know Leia. You were upset, and it's fine. I'm just glad you're safe."
Leia pulled out of him embrace and went to sit on the bunk nearby. She sighed, "Han, have you ever felt like you don't deserve everything that you have?"
"There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think that" he responded, sitting next to her.
She looked at him, "What do you mean?"
"I have you" he laughed. "I'm a smuggler, a scoundrel and a pirate. I've spent my entire life doing nothing but illegal things or helping the Empire that we're trying to fight, and here I am, sitting with a Princess."
"I don't think you give yourself enough credit" she added. "You may be all of those things, and you can't change your past, but you forgot one thing."
"And what's that Sweetheart?" he asked as they grew closer together.
"You're a nice man" she whispered before kissing him again. At first it was light, but it soon grew more intense. She moved so she was sitting in his lap, and his arms fell in place on her hips, his fingers moving in small circles.
But all too soon she pulled away, biting her lower lip and moving herself off of him.
"Leia…" he started as she moved away.
"Don't Han, I understand. We have an agreement" she added, grabbing some clothes and turning towards the fresher. "I'm going to take a shower." And with that the door closed behind her, leaving Han alone in the cabin.
Log of the Millennium Falcon
5/24/3902
What in the galaxy was that?
Now I'm more confused than ever. Sure, when Leia kissed me yesterday I could tell something was off, but this was too different to ignore. Not only was the kiss different, more insistent, the look of regret that crossed her face when she pulled away says something.
I've never seen Leia like that, and as I've said before, I've seen her every way possible. Drunk, asleep, upset, happy, and certainly angry, but I've never really seen a look of regret like that. Leia's had plenty of chances to wear a look like that, but she never has, and it makes me wonder what it is she's regretting.
I mean, is she regretting getting involved with me, or is it this trip, or the rebellion? Maybe it's the nightmares, and her memories of Alderaan. But then again, each night she screams for me, not the planet she lost. So then it could be her regret to whatever she does to me in her nightmares.
Who am I kidding? None of this makes sense. And talking about it like this isn't going to do any good, since I'm the only one. I don't know, I just hoping I'm doing the right thing, because Gods I want her more than anything, and I'm starting to get the idea she wants that same thing, and I don't think I could deny her to have something like that once. I don't want to deny having that with her once, to show her that I do love her, and seal my promise to come back.
Journal of the Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
24th Day, 5th Month, 3902nd Year
I, I don't know anymore.
What is it that I'm supposed to do? What is it I'm supposed to believe? And what is it I'm supposed to be feeling?
On one hand there's the fact that Han is leaving, and no matter how many times I tell myself that he will be actually gone this time, the less I think I actually believe it. Han is going to completely ignore everything that we've gone through, everything we've felt, and go off to get rid of the bounty, and we both know he won't be coming back. So what does it matter? Why doesn't he stay if he's going to die either way. At least staying with me he would have a chance.
But I'm a Princess…and one of a galactic war at that. There's nothing safe about me. I'm more dangerous than even the deadliest bounty hunter. Gods, I'm probably more dangerous than Jabba the Hutt himself, and I know that no matter what Han does, he's going to die. It's what I've sentenced him to, just like everyone else I love. My planet was destroyed because of me, my family murdered because of my carelessness, Luke is dead because he got involved with my Rebellion, and now Han will die because he got too involved with me. So It's probably better that he goes. He'll end up better off with Jabba anyway.
Yet at the same time, I want him to stay not for the reasoning that he would be better with me, because as we already discussed, he's certainly not safer here with me, but because the only place in the galaxy that I feel safe is within his arms. While I'm very thankful for Luke and Chewie and the droids, I wouldn't be able to live without Han. He's changed me, made me feel things I never thought possible, and made me think about a future I could never have.
And now it scares me more than anything to think that I let it all slip through my fingers. I can never have that feeling, and I can't believe how much I want something I've never felt before. I can't have a future, no happy ending. The war will go on, Han will leave and we will all die. It's as simple as that. There's nothing we can do, but I will die with the regret. The regret that I never let Han in, never let him grow close and bring me somewhere I've never been. I'll regret that I'll never know how much he truly loves me.