Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly create. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!
When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (my Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.
A/N: WARNING! There is some dark stuff in here - it's the Return to Ostagar, which was a pretty horrible and pivotal moment in both Alistair and Elissa's lives - and the beginning of their relationship. The NSFW content is right at the very end so, if you don't want to expose yourself to it - feel free to skip the last bits. As per usual - it's not too graphic, but I pass my warnings along anyway.
Thanks as usual to my readers, reviewers and followers and to my Lady Beta, artemiskat. :)
Happy Reading!
Minor edits 10-14-11.
-Frayed One
Chapter Thirty-Seven: In the Shadow of the Tower
"I have watched a lot of humans in my time…" Shale said, lumbering up to Elissa's side and breaking the silence she had carried herself in after setting the group on the path to Ostagar with the metallic tinkling of its voice. "It should be aware that I have decided it is… not much like any of them."
"But, surely you know that I am human Shale…" Elissa replied, not sure what the golem was getting at – and not really in the mood to listen to another treatise on how different she was, how special she seemed for one reason or another.
"Technically, perhaps…" Shale acknowledged, grumbling in the way that only golems could. "But…according to the many years I spent observing the average human in Honnleath, I can see that it has little in common with them," the golem hissed, tsking in disgust at their memory. "Surely it must come from some superior lineage… some breed of flesh creature that has decided to elevate its genetic stock above its natural shortcomings."
"Well, my father was the Teyrn of Highever… so technically I'm nobility – though I'm not sure that really makes a difference…" Elissa said, thinking of all the nobles she knew that were essentially worthless despite the benefit of their, supposed, superior genetic stock.
"Oh? Then that must be it! I knew there had to be some reason, it being human and all." Shale intoned, sighing its metallic sigh. "I would appreciate it if it didn't spread around that I said anything positive about the squishies. The other flesh creatures might start to get the wrong idea… might start believing they are not hopeless."
"Pssht… well, we can't have that!" Elissa chuckled, smiling at the strange creature built of stone and metal and a human soul.
"Indeed! Can it imagine the horror?" Shale laughed in response. "I do have a question for it, if it will indulge me…"
"You are allowed to speak freely, Shale. You don't have to ask permission." Elissa insisted, reaching over to pat the golem's crystal encrusted shoulder carefully. "The control rod is broken, and even if it wasn't – I have no desire to have a slave of any kind – metallic or otherwise."
"Alright then… I have spoken with the stinky small one…" Shale began, grimacing.
"Oghren?" Elissa asked, chuckling a bit at the description. It was brutal but accurate.
"Is that its name?" Shale sniffed, dusting at its arms. "I thought that saying it must involve a great number of belches and other gaseous emissions… regardless, it gave me the impression you encountered the smith Caridin – he who was responsible for the creation of the golems – and that he had become a golem himself." The lumbering construction continued, "It would not tell me what became of him, and why he did not return with it… I would have many questions for him…"
"I'm so sorry, Shale…" Elissa said, her brow wrinkling at the golem – sharing in the sadness of what could never be known. "Caridin took his own life shortly after we found him."
"He… killed himself? I would doubt it but… no, I see it is telling the truth." Shale replied, and Elissa could hear its hopes drifting away. "May I ask what became of the Anvil of the Void, assuming that – it too – still existed?"
"I destroyed it at Caridin's request." Elissa replied sheepishly. "He felt that the price paid to create golems, like yourself, was too great and that it could not be allowed to continue to exist in a world where those using it could not be trusted to do so honorably."
"Then it was no doubt for the best…" Shale mused sadly. "Tell me… did it find anything out from Caridin… anything at all about how I might have been made?"
"Yes, quite a bit actually." Elissa nodded, gladly sharing what she had learned with her newest companion – feeling it was only fair considering she had destroyed any hope that it could learn about its creation otherwise. "The Anvil constructed golems using living souls."
"Meaning… that I was once a living creature?" Shale said, shock and disbelief evident its tone. "That seems highly unlikely, and more than a little insulting… Is it certain?"
"I'm not trying to insult you, Shale." Elissa insisted, leaning forward to hold its glowy little eyes. "Caridin told me himself, and we found a monument which listed of the names of those who sacrificed themselves to forge the golem army. I can take you to the Shaperate in Orzammar to see it at some point, if you'd like. Perhaps you'll find your own name listed among those honored there."
"Hmmm… I wonder… was I forced into this – or was I simply glad to abandon a frail body?" Shale pondered, the scrape of stone and metal sounding beside Elissa as it stroked at its tiny face. "More importantly… who was I? I simply must know! I cannot help but believe that the answers must lie within the Deep Roads – just as the Anvil and its creator once did. Could we look there when next our travels carry us nearby?"
"Did you have anywhere specific in mind? The Deep Roads are an awfully large and dangerous place to just go wandering about looking for clues…" Elissa said, holding her hands up defensively when the golem just glared in response to her reluctant answer.
"If it can search the Deep Roads… I may… remember something." Shale said, crossing its arms. "If not… then I suppose I will have to wait even longer…"
"All right, all right!" Elissa sighed, rolling her eyes. "But I don't think we need to look… I think they used the soul of my mother to give you life the way you slather on the guilt…"
Shale said nothing in response, but as Elissa moved away she swore she saw the golem smile approvingly at the thought.
The closer the company drew to Ostagar – the more distant and withdrawn Elissa, Alistair and even Wynne became. The tension began to wear heavily on the other companions who hadn't been there for the battle or the betrayal – but all of whom knew enough from the bits of information they'd overheard and the haunted looks in the eyes of their friends to understand the reluctance with which they all returned to this place.
The old ruins were now fully blighted – the ground black and dead beneath the heavy drifts of snow and ash and the hefty piles of detritus left behind after the battle that had waged there months before. The area was littered with corpses no matter where they turned their eyes.
They were set upon by three Genlocks as soon as they broke into the edge of the ruins – but the minions didn't stand a chance against them and fell quickly beneath the powerful swings of steel and the silent rush of arrows.
"Something about returning here makes me feel very old…" Alistair said, coming to a stop beside Elissa and following her eyes as they passed out over the expanse of earth in front of them – trying to find something familiar within the landscape that would allow her to get her bearings. "I was a… different person here… one I can scarcely recognize any more." She moved away, her eyes finding purchase on the toppled remnants of the cages that had been used to hold prisoners sending her sprinting in that direction. "I believed him… Cailan… when he said that it would be a glorious battle… that we would win."
"We all believed him." Elissa replied, kneeling down and softly closing the eyes of the man inside the cage – body broken and bloodied and left to rot. "I spoke to this man the day I arrived. He'd been arrested for desertion and jammed in this cage. They weren't even feeding him properly." Alistair winced, watching her stand and dust the filth off her hands she'd acquired by touching his body - lost in the memory of the time she'd spent nicking his guard's lunch so that the poor gaunt man could eat for the first time in days "That they could leave him locked in that thing to die is… unconscionable…"
"I doubt they knew what was going to happen, Elissa." Wynne whispered, sighing when the young woman rolled her eyes in response. "This cruelty was not planned, simply the result of the horde overrunning the encampment."
"It was still allowed to happen. They knew there was the possibility that the horde could make it inside the camps. Keeping this man caged was... if they cared so little for him, the should have just executed him and been done with it." Elissa replied, moving the group forward into the area that had been the location set aside for the War Council. "That body could easily have been Sten's you know... if we'd left him in that cage back in Lothering." She added, narrowing her eyes on the mage as she watched her words hit home "Knowing him now, as you do, I doubt you'd be so quick to lay his death square on the horde's shoulders knowing that it was the Revered Mother who locked him in there and left him to die."
The great wooden table that had once held Loghain's maps when he laid out his imaginary strategy for Cailan lay broken on its side and Elissa was staggered for a moment at the memory that she had last spoken with the young King on this very spot.
"Steady." Alistair said, laying a hand on her shoulder when she stumbled – his words flashing her back into the layer of another memory - this one of them standing on the opposite side of the bridge to the Tower when she'd first felt the sensation of the darkspawn stirring in her blood.
"I'm sorry I…" Elissa replied, rubbing at her eyes and trying to wipe away the memories.
"It's okay." Wynne assured her, reaching forward to pat her arm. "Take a moment if you need to."
"This was the last place I spoke with him…" Elissa said, reaching out to touch the broken wood at her feet as she knelt down beside it.
"Cailan?" Alistair asked, though he already knew the answer. His mind had gone back to that night almost immediately upon seeing the table they stood in front of. He remembered the King calling her back with his slightly crooked smile, and the way Elissa had avoided his and Duncan's eyes as she returned at his request.
"He wanted to make sure I was okay with what he had asked us to do… and I tried to talk him into sending me alone. You were so angry that he'd asked you to escort me." Elissa laughed ruefully, the memory of Alistair railing away at Duncan about how unfair it was so clear in her mind it felt like it had only happened moments before.
"Seems silly now, doesn't it?" Alistair chuckled, pulling her back to her feet – reaching forward to hold her cheek in his palm. "If I'd known what we would become in time… I'd never have questioned it. I'd have insisted I go at your side, even if Cailan hadn't ordered me to do so."
"He tried to kiss me, Alistair." Elissa blurted out, unable to hold it in while the memory lingered so close to her and Alistair stood in front of her looking so very much like the fallen King that now lived only in her mind. The memory sent horrible, heavy wave of guilt surging through her. "I didn't let him… but he tried."
"He… what… I-I…" Alistair stuttered, backing away from her slightly. "I don't understand… you never said anything about…"
"We weren't together then. We barely even knew each other." Elissa said, reaching out to take his hands – trying to explain well enough to calm the betrayal in his eyes before the belief that he was somehow only a poor replacement for his dead brother could completely consume him. "After everything that happened here… and then waking up in Flemeth's shack… I just wanted to forget it all … I hadn't even thought about it until I saw this table again."
She wanted to say more… so much more, but she didn't get the chance. The growl of darkspawn pulled their eyes to the ramp at the rear of the area and the six Hurlock and Genlock minions descending it – led by an Alpha Strider.
The flash of gold plate caught Elissa's eye after the last of them had fallen, and she rushed forward – dropping to her knees at the Strider's feet and wiping away some of the muck on his boots.
"What's the matter?" Alistair asked, sheathing his sword and moving to her side – trying to see what it was that had caught her attention so fully and had her so upset.
"These greaves were Cailan's!" Elissa said – her voice cracking as she tugged at the boots on the creature's feet. "To find them here… pawed over by the darkspawn and coated in their filth… in their rot…"
"I know…" Alistair replied, kneeling down beside her – helping to remove them, to wipe away as much of the filth as he could so that she could stow them in her pack without ruining everything inside of it. "I feel it too…"
"He is not the first King to fall in battle." Wynne said, and Alistair cringed at her choice of words. The woman did not know of Elissa's connection to his half-brother but her timing was, as usual, impeccable. "Nor is he the first whose possessions were lost to the darkspawn."
"He is the first I knew personally." Elissa hissed, rising quickly to her feet – stepping quickly to glare into Wynne's eyes – her emerald irises glittering dangerously. "The first I have known since I was but a child… this wound cuts deeper than words on the pages of a dusty old tome… and so, you will have to forgive me if I mourn his loss more than seems proper to you – if I gather up his things rather than allow them to be left here and forgotten."
"I know you cared for the King, dear." Wynne replied, her face cool and calm as always – showing no reaction to the venom Elissa spewed in her anger other than the compassion that had always been there. "And this wound will bleed longer than most because of that… but we must keep moving. I have no doubt that the darkspawn who still linger here are eager to give us more to mourn."
"Wynne is right, love." Alistair said, reaching forward and taking her hand. "I can feel more approaching while we stand here arguing."
In that moment Elissa realized where it was she stood – her eyes passing up the ramp they stood at the base of and remembering…
"Duncan sent word. He spoke quite highly of you, though he did neglect to mention the part about you being so pretty…" he explained, color creeping into his cheeks as he blushed at his own flirtation. "Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Alistair, the newest Grey Warden… prior to yourself, of course… though I guess if you've come to find me you must already know that…"
"Pleased to meet you, I'm Elissa," she replied, reaching out to slide her hand into his and accept the greeting that had been offered, unable to resist widening her smile just a little as he continued to fight against his bashful stuttering in the presence of a "pretty" girl.
"This is where we first met…" Elissa said, holding onto Alistair's hand and tugging him along behind her as she moved up the ramp and into the ruins of the old temple at its end.
"I hardly recognized it but… you're right… it was right here on this very spot." Alistair smiled, thinking back on his memory of her striding up that ramp in the sunlight. It all seemed so far away.
She moved off suddenly, digging something out of the snow and inspecting it carefully before shoving it into her pack and returning to his side then taking his hand again – moving them forward toward the area where the quartermaster had once set up his shop.
The quartermaster's body lay pinned to the ground with the sword that had undoubtedly killed him – a gruesome reminder of just how much had been lost during those hours after Loghain's betrayal. Elissa half wondered whether it had been darkspawn or Loghain's men that had ultimately done him in.
They fought their way through another swarm of minions, a Genlock Forge Master and a Hurlock Alpha before things calmed enough for Elissa to search Elric's secret spot and locate the hidden key. It was there, at the base of the statue behind what had once been the Mage's Enclave, just as his map had said it would be.
When they passed the kennels, Elissa was disheartened to see them torn apart – the fallen corpses of mabari strewn about on the ground like logs in the dirt. They tried to make their way toward the Royal Enclave but were pounced on by a group of Blight wolves and Genlock rogues.
"That one's got Cailan's shield." Elissa hissed, drawing Alistair's attention to the Hurlock Vanguard that had just made his presence known – and he could see she was telling the truth.
Sten took him down and removed the shield, striding over and offering it to Elissa who slung it onto her back silently. Alistair had stopped just ahead next to what she recognized as the remnants of Duncan's old bonfire.
"They've gone out of their way to defile this spot." Alistair grimaced, noting the bodies and tribal structures hanging all around him. "They must still be able to sense some of the power he had over them… even now after he's been gone so long."
Elissa squeezed his hand softly, then turned and made her way to Cailan's trunk – opening it with the key Elric had hidden and retrieving the things inside.
"So it's true!" Alistair whispered, sitting down at her side and reading the letters she held over her shoulder. "He did manage to convince Orlais to ally with us against the darkspawn."
"Empress Celene was just awaiting his response." Elissa nodded, flipping through the pages hastily.
"A response that never came, and now never will thanks to Loghain's treachery…" Alistair spat, his jaw twitching in anger.
"I have them now…" Elissa said, patting his hand. "We will see what that can do for us in the future."
"Is that… that's Eamon's handwriting!" Alistair said, watching as Elissa's eyes ran across the page she had just turned to – hearing her suck in a breath and narrow her eyes at whatever it was she read there. "What? What does it say?"
"Apparently Eamon was concerned that Anora was sterile as she and Cailan had been unable to conceive an heir…" Elissa said, flipping to the next page. "He, not so subtly, suggests that Cailan find a suitable replacement for her – someone who could bear him a son to carry on the Theirin bloodline…"
"It is a logical suggestion – King's need heirs else the country falls into disarray with their death." Wynne said, folding her arms solemnly. "Much as we see now."
"I agree… however… my name is mentioned directly as a suitable match…" Elissa explained, allowing Alistair to snatch parchment away from her to see with his own eyes that what she said was true. "As is that of Empress Celene in order to…" she leaned back over and traced her finger along the paper to find the phrase she was looking for, "ah yes, here is the part I was looking for... foster a lasting alliance between our two nations."
"I-I… there must be an explanation for this…" Alistair said, still trying to defend his Uncle despite the now tangible evidence that his motives for placing Alistair on the throne could not possibly be completely altruistic.
"I can think of several…" Elissa replied, pulling the last object from the chest and standing – reaching over to retrieve the letters and stow them in her pack with her free hand.
"Elissa… I know that you…" Alistair started, allowing his words to trail off when the look she gave him illustrated she was in no mood for it.
"This is a discussion for another time, Alistair... but it is a discussion that will be had... with Eamon." Elissa insisted, eyes flashing dangerously when he thought for a brief moment about responding. "Here." she said, shoving the hilt of a blade into his hand. "This belonged to your father… you should have it now."
"Maric's sword?" Alistair said, his eyes going wide as his hands touched the hilt of it. "I've heard legends of this blade… but Cailan wouldn't even use it… it doesn't seem right that I should…"
"Cailan wouldn't use it because he said it was for a different kind of man." Elissa replied, moving up the ramp to the training grounds and the path that would lead them to the bridge spanning the valley between the city proper and the Tower of Ishal. "You are that man, Alistair. It's your blade now."
Alistair hefted the sword, swinging it a couple of times to test the weight of it – finally dropping his old sword to the ground and anchoring his father's blade to his back in its place. By the time he caught up to the group, Elissa had already started out onto the bridge.
He heard her cry out before he saw what had upset her, only realizing why she was so distraught when he followed her eyes up the hastily erected wooden cross on which hung the corpse of his half-brother and King.
She shoved at the base of it, trying to topple it over – desperate to get him off, to give him some dignity instead of leaving him there, just a bloody naked mess that dangled awkwardly before them. At the other end of the bridge stood a Genlock Necromancer who sneered at them before sending a wave of Hurlock minions and reanimated skeleton warriors down upon them.
Elissa ignored them all, continuing to try to get Cailan down to no avail while her companions dealt with the enemies all around her.
"Help me, Alistair!" Elissa wailed, tears streaking through the dirt and blood on her face. "I know you had no love for him… I know you barely knew him, but he was your brother and your King and he deserves better than this… please, I beg of you… help me get him down… I'm too small… I can't get to him… I'm not strong enough…"
Alistair moved toward her, inspecting her bloody shredded fingertips where the metal and wood had cut into her flesh as she worked to free Cailan's body. He waved Wynne over to inspect her wounds – moving with Sten to bring his brother's body down from where it was anchored and lay it gently to the ground.
Her hands healed, Elissa dashed over to Cailan's side – reaching into her pack and pulling out her blanket – using it to cover his body as best she could, knowing they could not see to him properly while so many darkspawn still roamed the grounds around them.
"Forgive me…" she whispered, brushing a strand of blonde hair behind his ear – marveling at how the cold had somehow managed to preserve his body against the worst signs of decay – were it not for the blood and the awkward position of broken limbs, he could almost be sleeping. "I'll not leave you for much longer this way… I promise…"
Alistair turned away, unable to look when she pressed her lips against his forehead before covering his face for the last time. Whether it was out of disgust that she could kiss a rotting corpse or the affirmation of her relationship with his dead brother that made him do so, no one could say.
As they stepped off the other end of the bridge, Elissa was hit by wave after wave of memories. It was here that she had first felt the sensation of the darkspawn in her blood – those same creatures swarming her in that moment that now set upon them in the present. They cut through three or four waves of minions, finally felling the Hurlock Strategist and Hurlock General that held Cailan's gauntlets and breastplate just outside the door to the Tower.
"The Tower of Ishal…" Alistair whispered, staring up at the door.
"I never thought I'd see it again." Wynne stated, sighing heavily as Elissa cleaned away what muck she could from the most recent pieces of Cailan's armor – stowing them in Sten's pack now that hers was full.
"We lost that soldier here on the steps…" Elissa said, looking around but seeing no remnants of his body. "Do you remember?"
"How could I forget?" Alistair half laughed, thinking back on that moment. "It was the first time I ever saw you fight like a berserker… you were furious, cut through wave after wave of darkspawn like they were nothing – all the way up to that Ogre. I'd never seen anything like it."
They were forced to tumble to the sides of the entryway immediately after opening the doors of the tower, dodging the main force of the fireball that the Necromancer tossed at them and scrambling up quickly to engage the waves of minions he sent to distract them while he escaped out the rear of the large central chamber.
"Speaking of Ogres…" Zevran muttered, tilting his head slightly and calling their attention to the great beast lumbering forward at them.
Elissa laughed a little, watching Sten shoot past her shoulder and take on the giant with Oghren quick at his heels. Behind her Shale grabbed one Hurlock after another, slamming them into the floor or the wall and then tossing them aside like rag dolls.
"I don't feel right being here…" Elissa said, rubbing her hands over her arms and trying to shake off the sensation as they pressed forward.
"What do you mean?" Alistair asked, making pace beside her as they passed through the two rooms that would lead to the staircase that moved them up higher in the tower.
"I mean… I feel like I shouldn't be here…" Elissa tried to explain; unable to make him fully understand. "I died here Alistair, just up those stairs – in the big room with the fireplace where we were sent to light the beacon that was supposed to save us all."
"This case of death is taking a while to kick in then…" Wynne quipped, echoing her own words back to her and watching Elissa reply with a roll of her eyes.
"You laugh… but I'm serious." Elissa said, watching Alistair pull his eyes away – the thought of her falling to those arrows, then lying there pale and motionless in Flemeth's rickety little bed for so long afterward more than he cared to think on for very long. "If I'm a cat I'm on my fourth life already… that only gives me five left to work with…"
"That's not funny." Alistair insisted, wrinkling his brow at her when she stopped and fiddled with the lock on the door in front of them.
"Well, we're not going through there." Elissa said, ignoring Alistair's complaints about the frivolous way she treated her own life. "Only way forward is down through their entry tunnels."
"Ugh… I don't even want to think about what's down there…" Alistair groaned, watching Elissa lower herself over the edge and drop softly to the ground below.
"Looks to be the ruins of the old Tevinter Catacombs." Elissa called, her voice echoing up to him from the bottom as the others started to drop in after her – leaving him to do the same. "They're in pretty bad shape, close to collapsing… must be how they got in so easily."
They pressed forward through corrupted spiders and several more waves of darkspawn minions, until they found themselves at a hole in the base of the tower just outside the safety of the city walls.
"How on earth did they miss this?" Alistair wondered aloud, the wall was obviously crumbling – any scout worth his salt would have repaired this before the battle.
"My guess… Loghain was in charge of securing the area." Elissa said, eying the valley before them with sad eyes. This is where Duncan and Cailan and all of the men who believed in their words had made their final stand. "Duncan was too busy to follow up on it and Cailan would have trusted him when he said things were fine. He had no reason to believe otherwise."
"The poor dolt never saw it coming." Alistair sighed, shaking his head.
"Cailan was no more stupid than you are, Alistair." Elissa insisted, blinking slowly at him - shocked that she would echo the sentiment she'd heard from the mouth of both her brother and Nathaniel time and time again. "He wanted to believe that we were all good at heart, that there was some innate part of our souls that made us strive to be better… to do more… He was naive, perhaps – but not stupid."
Alistair knew that she was right, following her around the corner and onto the field where so many had died as a result of Loghain's betrayal. In the middle of the open span of land lay the corpse of the very large Ogre, the very one that had crushed the King's body - though they had no way of knowing it. The former Warden-Commander's blades still protruded from the front of its massive chest catching Elissa's eye.
She started to move forward, wanting to inspect them more closely when the corpse stirred to life – forcing her eyes to move to the rear of the enclosure where the Necromancer they had been chasing now stood.
"Zevran, Alistair… go get him." Elissa insisted, falling into a defensive stance and circling the ogre before throwing herself onto it – using the blades lodged in its chest for leverage as she scrambled up onto it's shoulders while Sten and Oghren hacked away at its legs and torso.
Shale stood back with Wynne protecting the mage from the occasional corpses that would spring to life around her.
A short time later, the last darkspawn were dead and Alistair watched Elissa walking toward him holding a dagger and a sword.
"Those were Duncan's." Alistair noted, reaching out to take the hilts reverently. "Did you… did you see his…"
"I saw no signs of his body." Elissa replied, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Alistair. Wherever they've taken him, we aren't likely to find him now. But he went down fighting, killed that Ogre and who knows how many more in the process."
"I'm not surprised. I wouldn't have expected anything less." Alistair sighed, tucking Duncan's dagger into his pack with the intent of purchasing a new sheath for it the next chance he got before turning to Elissa who knelt prying loose Cailan's helm from the Necromancer. "Here…" he said, echoing her earlier phrasing as he flipped the sword around to offer the hilt in her direction. "I think he would have wanted you to have this."
"What? You're giving me Duncan's sword?" Elissa said, hesitating to take it – knowing what it meant to him. "I barely knew him, Alistair – the man was like a father to you… I can't take this."
"He thought a lot of you, Elissa." Alistair insisted, reaching over and forcing the hilt into her open palm then closing her fingers around it. "He spoke of you as though you had the potential to be the best of all of us… it was a compliment not given easily and a sentiment that I know now was not misplaced… besides, I have my father's blade now and I can't carry two swords. I'll keep his dagger, you take the sword. I like the idea that together we'll make the pair complete."
"You always find the right thing to say." Elissa said, leaning forward and planting a solid kiss on his lips – pulling the Green Blade from her back and tossing it to Sten for safe keeping – then anchoring Duncan's blade in its place.
"Let's go say goodbye to the King." Alistair said, wrapping his arm around her and leading them back along the path to where they'd left his body.
When they reached it, Sten hefted it blanket and all up into his arms and they carried him across the bridge and out into the center of the main camp – gathering up all of the lumber and brush they could find and building a pyre.
Once it was complete, Sten gently lay the King's body atop the pile and Wynne lit it with a fire spell – moving to a spot next to Alistair and Elissa while they silently said their final goodbyes to their friend, brother, and King.
Elissa pressed them forward into the Wilds as much as she dared in the fading light of day, stopping inside the old ruins of another Tevinter structure and hoping its mostly solid walls would provide them some sense of security over the course of the night ahead of them.
Once camp had been set, everyone had gone about their own separate business – choosing to deal with the stresses of the day in their own way. Alistair insisted on discussing everything with Wynne in more detail – and, as Elissa had no desire to continue to relive what had easily been one of the worst days in her memory, she had separated herself to the opposite end of the camp, taking up a spot on a log near the bonfire where she set about cleaning the pieces of armor she had retrieved.
"I have been mistaken." Sten's voice rumbled as he emerged from the shadows at the edge of the firelight and took a seat on the other end of the log from her.
"What do you mean?" Elissa asked, looking up briefly from her task before turning her eyes back to the piece of Cailan's armor she was currently working on.
"You are a soldier worthy to stand among the Beresaad." Sten replied, watching the edges of her mouth curve up into a smile. "I did not think so when we first met."
"This much I knew…" Elissa chuckled, tossing the gauntlet she had been scrubbing at aside and picking up the other. "I believe you called me a silly woman and doubted that I was actually one of the mythological Grey Wardens on a number of occasions…" She smirked as the qunari rumbled with laughter of his own. "May I ask what it is that changed your mind?"
"You, of course." Sten replied, watching her look up at him incredulously.
"I find it hard to believe that anything about the way I behaved today changed your opinion of my capabilities as a warrior." Elissa snorted, rubbing hard at a particularly bothersome gob of darkspawn goo.
"You are much too hard on yourself, kadan." Sten sighed, crossing his arms and inspecting her as a father would a child. "I have heard stories of what happened in those ruins… that you went back there on your own, that you treated your King with such honor and conducted yourself with strength and dignity – these things only add to what I have already come to know about you," the qunari mused, watching Elissa blush slightly in response to his complements. "The fact that you beat me at single combat didn't hurt either…"
"Ha! I'd forgotten all about that." Elissa laughed, swatting his arm lightly with her polishing cloth. "That's all sorted out now, right… I don't fancy ever having to do that again."
"There will come a day when the Arishok sends us here." Sten replied, holding Elissa's eyes seriously. "On that day, I will not look to find you on the battlefield."
"Nor will I look for you." Elissa replied, knowing that was as close to a promise of loyalty as she was ever likely to receive from Sten or any of his kind.
He left her with a smile, stopping for a brief second to squeeze her shoulder – even allowing her to cover his much larger hand with her own and squeeze it in return. Elissa chuckled softly, shaking her head at the odd series of events that had brought each of her companions into her life and knowing she was better for having known each of them.
When Elissa finally made her way into their tent, Alistair was curled up under his blanket reading the book on the Qun that Sten had given him and making notations of things to ask him in the margins of the pages.
"You're going to drive him crazy." Elissa laughed, settling her pack on the ground beside their bedroll and taking off her boots and leggings before tucking herself under the blanket next to Alistair.
"I have questions!" Alistair said, pursing his lips at her and closing the book – laying it down next to them and pulling her close to his side – noting that she didn't lie down as he had expected she would.
"I'm sorry its going to be such a cold night…" she said, eying the small blanket they now had to share with a sheepish eye – remembering that hers had burned along with Cailan in the pyre back at Ostagar. "I'll try not to steal the blankets from you."
"I'd appreciate that," he chuckled, squeezing her knee affectionately. "I was beginning to wonder if I'd even have to share them. You didn't seem to be moving from the fire anytime soon."
"I wanted to finish cleaning Cailan's armor… I felt like I had to do it or I wouldn't be able to sleep." Elissa explained, hoping that he would understand – seeing that he didn't.
"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if my brother had lived?" Alistair asked, picking at his cuticles anxiously – refusing to meet her eyes.
"You mean do I wonder if he'd have proposed to me eventually now that I know Eamon was pressing him to do so?" she asked, watching him nod. "It would never have happened, and even if it had - I'd never have said yes… and now it doesn't matter at all."
"Eamon wanted Cailan to pursue other options… and from what you told me about that last night at Ostagar… he clearly still had feelings for you," he responded, folding his arms back behind his head and staring up at the roof of the tent.
"Alistair… will you stop this?" Elissa insisted, climbing on top of him and staring down into his face. "If I'd wanted to be with your brother, I could have done so years ago – long before Anora took his hand… but I had no desire to then, no desire to that night at Ostagar – and even had he lived, I'd have no desire to now." She leaned forward, taking his face in her hands, stroking the sides of his lips with her thumbs. "There is only one Theirin I desire – that I have ever desired - and that is you, Alistair – not your brother." He tried to turn his eyes away from her, but she wouldn't allow it – she held him steady forcing him to see the truth in her eyes. "The relationship that I had with Cailan was… complicated, but not romantic – at least not from my perspective. He was a dear friend, and my King – and I cared for him a great deal – but I was never in love with him, and I am very much in love with you."
He kissed her then, slowly at first – softly tugging at her bottom lip with his teeth until she opened her mouth for him and let his tongue slide inside. He wanted to believe the sweet words she said to him were true – needed to believe it… but in his mind all that he could see was the way that Cailan's eyes had watched her that night when he called her back to his side after the War Council… and the way she had placed a gentle kiss to the cold skin of his forehead after they pulled him down from the darkspawn's crucifixion.
Though he held her now, her voice humming softly in pleasure as he tugged her shirt then her breast band free of her body and tucked his thumb under the edge of her small clothes, he wondered if she saw his brother's face when she looked at him… if she wondered what his hands would have felt like against her skin.
He should have been happy, should have been able to take her at her word. She had never given him reason to doubt her – especially when it came to Cailan. He had no reason to believe that their relationship had been anything other than the friendship Elissa explained it to be – regardless of what his brother might have wanted. But he couldn't let it go… and in those moments when he should have been taking comfort in her the simple way she wanted to take comfort in him – when he should have been putting the nightmare of Ostagar behind him and moving forward with the wonderful woman who had only moments ago reminded him just how in love with him she was… all he wanted to do was to lay claim to her in some way that would supersede everything Cailan had ever been to her… in a way that would push away everything even the memory of him could ever be.
When he rolled her over, pressing her into the half softness of their bedroll, he did not do so gently – and when she looked up at him with a question and confusion in her emerald eyes – he addressed it with a kiss that bruised, and a quick shove of her underthings to the side so that he could join himself with her completely.
"Alistair…" she muttered, chuckling uncomfortably and trying not to be freaked out or upset by his unusual behavior. Alistair had never hurt her before, and she had no reason to believe he would do so now. "What's the hurry? Do we have an appointment somewhere that I've forgotten about?"
"Stop talking," was his response – pressing his lips to hers hard enough to draw blood this time and rocking into her with such force that it started to hurt a bit.
"Can we… c-can we slow down for a minute?" Elissa asked, pressing lightly at his arms – trying to get him to pull back far enough that she could see his face, try to read whatever it was that was going on in his head through his eyes.
"Honestly… please… stop… talking…" Alistair punctuated each word with a kiss – first to her mouth, then to her neck, then to her collarbone… and finally to her breast, taking a nipple into his mouth and sucking hard enough to bring Elissa's breath hissing through her teeth.
He mistook this response for encouragement – she'd liked it back in Orzammar when he'd taken over, pressed the advantage of his size slightly. He didn't see that the situation was different then. He didn't see that Elissa was uncomfortable and hurting and completely confused by the way he was acting now.
He finished quickly, his frustration and anxiety diverting his ability to focus to the point that he lost himself in the motion of the act – in the sensation of being inside her – in the way she felt, and smelled, and tasted – and just let go. When he was done – he rolled over and pulled his pants back into place – watching Elissa hastily tug her shirt over her head in the flickering candle light of their tent.
"Now that you're done with me… can you at least tell me what that was all about?" Elissa whispered, and he sat up at the waver in her voice – leaning forward close enough to see that she was crying.
"Done with you? Elissa... why are you crying?" Alistair asked, reaching over to touch her cheek and watching her pull away from him.
"You're kidding, right?" she blubbered, her harsh laugh blowing the salty spray of her tears onto his cheek.
"No… I honestly don't know… I thought you…" he started, watching her wrap her arms around her knees and bury her face against the skin there muttering and sobbing in the cloth of her worn navy shirt before looking at him again.
"When I'm with you Alistair – I feel safe, and happy, and loved… you're such a good man… so warm with such an open heart. It's why I fell for you so hard, so fast. These things were always true… they were my constant… you were a light for me in dark places..." Elissa explained, sobbing through the words and waving him to silence any time he started to interrupt. "Until tonight. Tonight you made me feel like nothing more than a piece of meat. Like a warm body you could shove yourself into. You made me feel dirty, and empty, and used… and I don't understand why… what I did to deserve this, what I did to make you act this way... because, whatever I did… whatever this was… it wasn't you… You're not this man, you're better than this – or at least I thought you were."
"Oh, Maker…" Alistair said, running his fingers into his hair and tugging as the realization of what he'd done washed over him. "Elissa I'm… I'm so sorry… I don't know what came over me I kept thinking about Cailan and I couldn't get the thought of you together out of my head."
"And, what? You thought you'd teach me a lesson? Bang the memory of him right out of me?" she replied, her eyes brimming with tears and the pain of a wounded heart – that she could make such a mistake in judging what someone was capable of yet again was eating at her like a cancer - bringing up memories of Nathaniel she'd believed had finally been forgotten.
"No, I… bloody hell I didn't intend to punish you in any way… I just… blast this, Elissa," he huffed, covering his face with his hands and forcing a shaking breath through his fingers before drawing them down and looking at her again. "I don't know what to say, I feel horrible… I'll go sleep elsewhere if you want…"
"That's not necessary." Elissa said, reaching over to take his hand – offering a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes but that allowed him to hope that at some point she would forgive him. "Can you just… can you just hold me until I fall asleep? I'd just like to put all of this behind me…"
"Elissa… I think we should probably talk this out – what I did was, bad… it isn't the kind of thing you go to sleep without addressing…" Alistair insisted, watching her curl up beside him but not laying down.
"Please, Alistair, and I'm not saying this to instigate things further… but you got what you needed tonight – can you please do this for me – it's what I need…" she said, patting the pillow next to her and pleading with him in her eyes.
He felt so wretched; he had no choice but to give in.