Chapter 38 – And Learn to Fly Again
Kurt listened to his own heartbeat for a moment taking deep breaths, unable to find the right words. Finally, he settled on, "I wish...I wish that I could hate you."
Blaine didn't realize that he'd been holding his breath until it escaped when Kurt leaned in to the touch. It made his heart do funny things. He wasn't in love with Kurt anymore in the romantic sense, but Kurt Hummel had a part of his soul and always would. Kurt had been his first everything and that would never change. The familiarity in the moment healed something inside of Blaine that he hadn't realized was broken. Blaine winced at Kurt's words. "I deserve that. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that night," Blaine confessed quietly.
"You've been hurting me for so long," Kurt's voice escaped in a sob, "and worst of all is I let you, I let you because a part of me still loved you, and now I know...I know after months of trying to kill it there is nothing I can do. A very big part of me will always love you," Kurt admitted.
"I wish I never hurt you Kurt. I wish that I could make up for all the pain I've caused you," Blaine said honestly, still not letting his voice get too loud. He felt too fragile. The moment was fragile and he didn't want anything to shatter. "You're still part of me too, Kurt. We've been so many firsts for each other. You are always going to have part of my heart, part of my soul, Kurt. I only wish I hadn't damaged things so much," Blaine was choked up now too as he got the words out. At Kurt sobbing, Blaine instinctively drew him closer. He couldn't stop himself. He hated to see Kurt crying and hurt, especially when he was the source of it.
"How could you say that to me?" Kurt sobbed into Blaine's shoulder, "you of all people. How could you tell me that we meant nothing to each other? You're my best friend Blaine. I can't...I can't live without you," Kurt finally gave all of the thoughts that had ruminated inside of his mind for months a voice. That was it. Wasn't it? They'd been so many things to each other for so long, but first and foremost they were friends.
In that moment, Blaine was thrown back to the argument they had in the car that night. He winced as if he was being stabbed. The memory was certainly painful enough. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, holding the man as he sobbed against his shoulder, one hand absently rubbing light circles into Kurt's back to soothe him. "I was hurt and angry and stupid and a whole host of other things at the time. I'm not proud of how I acted," Blaine sighed.
"I miss you," Kurt whispered to the still air and it was true he missed Blaine's presence in his life with an aching pain that he was always vaguely aware of, but now he'd given it voice.
"I miss you too, Kurt, so much. You're a part of me. We weren't nothing. We were everything once. That fact may have changed, but I'm starting to believe that change isn't such a bad thing. It opens doorways to new possibilities, the possibility that we could be something new and exciting to each other. I miss you and I'm sorry I broke us. I'll do anything Kurt, anything to make it up to you. I'll do anything to rebuild our friendship once again into something stronger than it has ever been before," Blaine promised.
Kurt's breath caught when Blaine spoke those words with such conviction. He wasn't really sure if it was possible to rebuild. Where would they even start? These thoughts flowed through his mind freely and he gave them voice. "How do we rebuild Blaine?" Kurt asked. "Where do we even start?"
"The setting is all wrong. I'm bereft my blazer and a spiral staircase, but..." Blaine's words trail off as he turns towards Kurt. He does his best to think back, trying to remember that moment, to remember the tone of the words he'd spoke, to remember all of it. "My name is Blaine," he said in that same open, friendly manner he had all those years ago.
Kurt smiled recognizing what they were playing at he held out his hand, "Kurt." He was suddenly transported back into the moment when he first met Blaine and seeing that moment vividly in his mind painted a picture of how Blaine looked when they first met right in front of his eyes. All the feelings of purity and light that comprised that meeting come rushing back. "Oh...There you are," Kurt smiled. "I've been waiting for you forever," he admitted.
Blaine smiled when Kurt echoed back the words that he himself had spoken when he'd finally caught up with the program. "You think I'm funny, when I tell the punch line wrong. I know you get me, so I let my walls come down. Before you met me, I was alright, but things were kinda heavy. You brought me to life..." Blaine sang a few specific lyrics from that very first song and then leaned in and whispered in Kurt's ear, "you will always be my Teenage Dream."
"And you will always be my Blackbird," Kurt whispered back. "I heard you by the way, a few nights ago. David brought me to Callbacks to listen to you," Kurt admitted.
Blaine blushed at that. "I had no idea you were there. I just had to get things out. You know? There are times when my mind still goes back to Dalton, to watching you perform Blackbird. So much has changed since then, but how deeply your performance touched me will never change," Blaine said softly. He then blushed and roughly cleared his throat.
"Okay, enough of this. We're going to turn into weepy messes if we keep this up and I think we've both had more than enough of that. So...On to rebuilding…I suggest we reconnect with an old pastime - movie night! What do you think?" Blaine inquired.
Kurt smiled instantaneously, but then quickly masked his glee by inquiring in faux seriousness, "I don't know. I'm not as easy as I use to be Blaine Anderson. Getting me to agree to a movie night is going to require...red wine and popcorn. Has David got that lying around? If not, you're going to have to improvise and find something comparable," Kurt teased.
He got worried for the heartbeat of time that it took Kurt to name his terms. Then he laughed. "I drink wine, but David drinks beer. We might have a bottle though. If not, it'll have to be some of my special blend coffee and popcorn. Will that work?" Blaine asked.
"It's too late for coffee. If you haven't got wine I guess I'll take some beer," Kurt made a face at the thought but shrugged, desperate times...
Blaine gasped, "too late for coffee! Who are you and what have you done with Kurt Hummel? I never thought I would ever hear you turn down coffee," Blaine giggled. Blaine left Kurt standing in the living room and rummaged around the kitchen locating a bottle of red wine. "You're in luck. You won't have to choke down beer. I found red wine - unopened even. I think I brought it over when we were going to have Italian one night and it never got opened," Blaine mused. He set things up to make popcorn using the air popper David had and then looked at Kurt who was standing where he'd been standing before.
Blaine had left him standing where they'd been a moment ago and rushed off to the kitchen. In the process of the hugging, Kurt had dropped his cane and he wasn't really yet completely certain of his surroundings. However, he found Blaine's energy endearing as always and so forgave his oversights and waited patiently.
"Oh damn it. I'm sorry Kurt. I'm an idiot," Blaine muttered as he rushed back to Kurt's side and led him to the couch. "Sorry," He said again. "I'll be right back with wine and popcorn."
"It's alright," Kurt chuckled. "I'm getting quite use to it." There was a bit of heavy silence as Blaine popped popcorn and poured wine. Kurt took his phone out of his pocket and dialed the service giving them Sebastian's phone number and sending a text that he was going to stay for a movie. Just about that time Blaine came back with everything.
Sebastian was out with the boys and it would have been a normal night out, but for one thing - he missed Kurt. He got the text and chuckled. He knew he wasn't the only one who wanted to spend time with Kurt. Didn't make it any easier to deal with, but he couldn't blame Kurt for wanting to spend more time with whoever he was with. He'd been out of everyone's lives for half a year. He sent a text back through the message service. "Have fun. Let me know when you're on your way back."
Kurt got the text and put the phone in his ear as Blaine rummaged around. He smiled hearing Sebastian's message read out to him. Blaine turned just in time to catch the smile and watched interested in the process. He inquired as to how using the phone worked and Kurt explained. It broke a bit more ice around the being blind thing.
Blaine set up the popcorn and wine within easy reach. Kurt was actually grateful that David didn't have wine glasses, but that Blaine just handed him a regular glass. He sipped on the wine carefully. "This is really good," he announced. Blaine made a noncommittal grunt and then announced that he'd chosen the perfect movie. When Kurt insisted on knowing what it was, Blaine said it was a surprise and Kurt would just have to wait and listen. Blaine settled on the couch next to Kurt and started the movie. Within heartbeats, Kurt was removing his sunglasses and wiping his eyes sniffling a bit. Blaine was worried, but Kurt quickly put him at ease with two little words spoken in a sing song voice, "Moulin Rouge."
Kurt wanted to mention that he'd argued about this very movie with someone this afternoon, but this night was about them. As he listened to the movie, Kurt allowed his mind to wonder to Sebastian. After months of not talking, after everything that had transpired between them, Blaine had read him like an open book. Kurt wondered if that came simply through spending time together or if it was a deeper connection. He couldn't help, but wonder if he and Sebastian shared such a connection. Kurt was far away in his thoughts when Blaine brought him back to reality. "You okay?" Blaine asked a look of concern painted on his features. Kurt nodded and decided to file the thoughts away for the time being. This night was about him and Blaine, after all. Sebastian could wait for just a few hours.
It took no time at all for the two boys to be belting out the songs in the movie and laughing at how silly they were being. Then Come What May started. It was the song that defined the height of their relationship. They sang it, of course, in perfect harmony. Their voices had always blended so nicely together. The song was a fond memory now. It did, however, underline a truth that Blaine had been attempting to deny. The realization dawned on him in full force and with a great degree of wonder the words tumbled from his lips, "I'm in love with David."
"Hmph," Kurt gave a noncommittal grunt and continued to watch the movie. He heard Blaine huff beside him in frustration. "What?" he asked confused.
"I don't think you heard me. I just said I'm in love with David Karofsky. I just thought you'd be more surprised. You...You knew. Didn't you? How is it you always know everything?" Blaine pouted.
"Of course I knew," Kurt confirmed. "Besides, you've always been both transparent and obtuse in the most adorable ways," Kurt smiled fondly. "And, I know everything because I'm magical," he added amused. Blaine tried to remain upset or at least mildly disgruntled, but that last line just killed him. He burst out laughing - the kind of true laughing he hadn't done for ages. By the time he composed himself, Blaine was breathless. "Besides," Kurt said calmly. "David's been talking about you for months. He can't shut up about you. Actually, I know he feels the same way," Kurt dropped the bombshell in Blaine's lap.
"You…You really think so?" Blaine asked breathlessly.
"I do. If you don't tell him Blaine Devon Anderson, than you're an idiot and I will hurt you," Kurt said firmly. He could easily picture the look on Blaine's face a mix of shock and petulance. "Checkmate," Kurt announced happily.
"I hate you," Blaine mumbled crossing his arms over his chest in faux protest.
Kurt reached out and felt for Blaine with his free hand, the one not holding the wine glass. When he found him, he felt around Blaine's torso and found Blaine's body language so amusing that he burst out laughing himself. After catching his breath, Kurt announced, "you love me. You said so yourself, and you can't take it back. There are no take backs." Blaine was about to retort, but Kurt added, "now, hush up and watch the movie."
They finish Moulin Rouge laughing and teasing each other and being ridiculous while singing the songs. Kurt cried when Setine died like he always did, and Blaine squeezed his hand in comfort. "What time is it?" Kurt asked when Blaine took the empty glass from him and offered more wine. Kurt declined. "9:30 pm," Blaine told him. "Do you need to go?" Kurt considered it, but then shook his head no. He was comfortable, and he hadn't had such good clean fun with Blaine for a long time.
"I can stay," he announced. "Besides, I think another movie is in order. Maybe an action or a horror," Kurt suggested trying to be diplomatic. "What about the Avengers?" He knew it was one of Blaine's favorites and he had an inkling that the movie was right up David's ally as well, no pun intended. Blaine quickly agreed loading the movie and settling back on the couch. He leaned his head on Kurt's shoulder, almost out of habit.
Kurt stretched his arm over the back of the couch and then around Blaine, almost out of habit, pulling the shorter boy into him. He inhaled and got a whiff of fresh, spring mountain detergent, Old Spice deodorant, and mint toothpaste. He smiled despite himself. He hadn't stopped smiling. There was something so comforting about the familiar. He listened to the movie, but soon began to doze off. Blaine didn't last much longer. He was warm, he was happy and he smelled that familiar vanilla something that had always been Kurt's scent. It reminded him of simpler times and soon they were both fast asleep on the couch, leaning against one another.
Items Crossed from Lists:
KL#48: Find a way back to Blaine