Epilogue

I sat on the ground next to my dining room table in my house. I never sat in the chairs. I preferred the floors. I slept on them too. I kept my curtains closed when I was home and lit candles for light at night, if I even wanted light.

The cameras had left me months ago. I was alone. Like I always knew I would be. Coming back from the Games alive didn't mean you were living. You were dead inside.

At first I had tried my hardest to live as Cinna instructed me to. But it was easier said than done.

Haymitch and I were together a lot. Well, he mostly sat inside drinking. I was outside, working on his yard in Victor's Village. I didn't take care of my own yard; I could care less about my own appearance. But I cared for Haymitch and his appearance. So I planted flowers and trimmed his lawn. I shined his windows. So many people have offered to clean his house for him, but I always made him turn them down. I had nothing else to do with my life now. I wanted to take care of Haymitch.

My family didn't move in with me; I couldn't take care of them. But Poison and I had made amends. Though we had forgiven each other for the years of hate, he still ignored me. I was almost a disgrace to them. And I didn't know what I did wrong. I loved them and appreciated them more than ever. But they no longer loved me it seemed. I only got the occasional nod from my father. My mother acted above me, which was odd. Every victor had fame and fortune, why was I below her? I won the Hunger Games.

I kept my curtains closed today. It was Thursday. Thursdays were the days they met. I would catch glimpses of Peeta across the street, making his way to the Seam to see Katniss. I didn't know whether or not they were dating, but I didn't care anymore. I stopped looking for Peeta in crowds. I stopped being in crowds. I wondered if I would become a drunk like Haymitch.

I only ever went to Haymitch's house and occasionally in the woods. I tried to find a cave in the woods, but there were none. Some days I would walk as far as I could in the woods, just to see if they would end. But as soon as I thought I found the end, another forest would appear. I wanted to run away, but I was always drawn back to home.

I was sitting on my floor this morning, because I was too scared to be anywhere else. I had cracked my curtain open a little, to see the light. I had a bad nightmare last night, which wasn't any different from the night before and the night before that. My nightmares got so bad, but I never screamed. I only startled myself awake with silent tears. No one was there. Like in my nightmares.

They were normally about the Games, but sometimes they were about Madge.

I was alone in my house. It was sad, what I'd done to the place. Beautiful paintings were now just shreds of cloth. Vases were just shards of glass lying in my backyard. Flower boxes were plant graveyards.

I pretended that Madge was alive, and even though it helped a little, I only felt crazier. Gale came over a couple times when I first arrived back here, but he stopped coming. I hated being alone, but it was all my fault.

I decided take a walk in the woods today. I did this sometimes, to get my mind off the images of Rue and Cato's deaths. I decided to walk into the forest. I walked to the pond.

Since I had arrived home from the Games, I had begun conquering my sorrow of Madge's death there at the pond. It hadn't taken much. After seeing Rue die, I realized that death was inevitable. Madge's time had come, and the pond wasn't supposed to harbor sad memories. It was supposed to make me happy. And it did. It made me think of the creek. It made me think of when I was happy.

I could never pinpoint the precise time I became unhappy. But what did it matter? I was unhappy; it didn't matter what the reason was. It only mattered that I was.

I sat on the edge, my feet dangling in the cool water. There were pink flowers to one side of the pond. They were beautiful and almost fake looking. Like frosting. On cakes.

Stop that.

Then I noticed something I had never noticed before. A small cement house just off in the trees down a little. I walked up to it, wondering what was inside. I decided to look inside. Maybe it could be a new hideout for me, a place where no one could ever find me.

I spied through the window, just in time to see Peeta kiss Katniss. It looked like she was kissing him back.

I backed away slowly, and as soon as I was out of hearing distance, I started to run.

I knew it was coming. But I didn't want to believe it. Why was I like this? Why did I always pretend like everything was perfect for me? It would be easier if I always just told myself the truth.

I wanted Peeta back, but I had no chance with him anymore. Why was there even any hope left? I regretted, for the millionth time, telling him my feelings. I needed him, even if he was just a friend.

I ran to Haymitch's house. The only place I felt welcomed. He was sitting at his dining room table, cutting bread with a dull knife. I took the knife from him and cut the bread for him. I chopped up the loaf angrily, making crumbs go everywhere. Eventually, Haymitch took the knife from my hand and made me sit down. Though he offered me a chair, I plopped down on the floor.

"I saw him. He was kissing Katniss in the woods. Haymitch!" I begged. My words were in an angry whisper; I didn't want to say them. Haymitch shook his head.

"Ivy, I don't know what to tell you," he mumbled. I looked down to see myself making a fist, and my knuckles were turning white. I ran back to my house. I flung myself on the bed and decided to stay there for the rest of my life.

Peeta was gone forever now. Katniss was no longer my friend. Haymitch was a drunk. I was alone. Madge was gone. Cinna was miles away. Even Effie wasn't here. No one.

A couple of days later an urgent knock was heard at my door. It was Haymitch. I opened the door, only to see Peeta standing a few feet behind him. I left the door, making them come in themselves. I sat in the farthest corner of my kitchen floor.

Haymitch held the door open as Peeta slid in and immediately hid in the corner opposite me.

"Sweetheart, you might want to read this," Haymitch handed me a letter. It had the Capitol's seal on it. I looked up to see Peeta blush in the corner. I unfolded the letter. Immediately, I noticed Snow's signature at the bottom of the paper. I sighed angrily but read the letter anyways. It was very short.

Oh, Peeta. What would Ivy think of that? You are in such trouble.

"What's this?" I asked, already knowing what it was. Peeta was trembling.

"Snow. He saw me... in the forest a couple of days ago with Katniss," Peeta stammered out.

"What were you doing there?" I asked. Peeta frowned. I knew I was being cruel, but I needed to pretend like I didn't know what was happening.

"I kissed her," he muttered. I managed to keep a bored look on my face as I turned to Haymitch.

"What's going to happen now?" I asked. I kept my voice balanced.

"I'm so sorry," Peeta whispered. I rolled my eyes at him.

"For now, let's pretend nothing happened. If anything happens we can talk then. For now, I have a drink calling my name," Haymitch said rubbing the sides of his forehead. He let himself out, leaving Peeta in there with me.

"Don't play dumb. I know you were there, Ivy," he said. I leaned against the wall, staring up at him with raised eyebrows.

"So?" I asked.

"You mean… you don't feel that way…about me…now?"

This was my chance. I could tell him I didn't love him anymore. I could change my life. But I wasn't a liar.

"Why does it matter that I saw?" I asked.

"No reason," he said looking almost disappointed. "I'm sorry I bothered you."

"It's no problem," I said, trying to lighten my tone. He looked back at me. I allowed a small smile on my face.

"Thank you," he started to open the door. I gained some miraculous courage.

"I would go as far as saying you could bother me again sometime. If you wanted to," I called out. I could see his cheekbone rise, like he was smiling.

"I might just want to, Ivy Undersee."

THE END.