37-Paris, La Ville D'Amour
AN: Thanks to my beta, Ambiguity
Severus arrived promptly at eight in the morning, only to find Belby yelling at his kids.
"I don't want to go with him! He sucks!" Hernon yelled as he ran through the lab.
"You can't stay here tonight; it's too dangerous, son, you simply must…" Belby yelled as he ran down the stairs and ran right into Severus "…go with him," he said in a softer tone.
"Daddy, what if he loses us?" the four-year-old Darrius asked.
"He won't…will you?" Belby harshly asked Severus, who again just inhaled deeply and smiled some. "Will you?"
"No, I won't lose them," Severus relented.
"Good, well, they are packed. Here's more than enough money," Belby said, handing him a sack of Galleons. "Here's the hotel information, it's a suite, also a map of magical Paris. Hellia is potty-trained, so that won't be an issue," he said in a panicked and rushed tone. Whatever his experiment was, he was very nervous about it and made it clear the children could not be present during his experiment. "Kids, come on!" he yelled as Draidan wobbled down the stairs, followed by Hernon carrying Hellia. "Now you listen to him," Belby urged as they all, even Hellia, laughed.
Severus walked with the brood and pushed Hellia in her stroller all the way to the Ministry. Hernon and Draidan ran ahead of him, while Darrius hopped and jumped.
"Hey, come back here!" Severus shouted to Hernon and Draidan as they ran so far ahead of him in the Ministry he lost sight of them. "Oh no," he huffed as he began to run behind the stroller to find them. "Hernon!" he shouted and looked all over but could not find him. He was now running behind the stroller and looking everywhere for Draidan and Hernon. It was already eight thirty and the portkey left at nine. "Draidan!" he called, seeing no children anywhere.
"Are you looking for these?" a young redheaded man asked, coming out of a corridor and holding Hernon in one arm and Draidan in the other.
"Yes!" Severus seethed, running towards the giggling boys.
"They just ran into my office," the man said as he put them down. They began to run away again when Severus hit them with an Impedimenta which caused them to freeze in their spot. "Wow, good one! Well done, son," the man said with a large smile. "And who is this?" he asked in a nice tone as he leaned down to see Hellia better.
"She's Hellia and we need to portkey to Paris soon," Severus said in a flushed tone. "Where the hell is Darrius?" he asked, noticing the four-year-old was nowhere to be found. "Oh, shit."
"You lost another one?" the man asked, rising back to his full stature.
"Yes. Darrius!" Severus shouted as the boy came running out from one of the fireplaces.
"You are not good with your siblings, are you?" the man asked, laughing.
"We aren't related to him!" Darrius said and kicked Severus in his leg.
"Ouch, you little shit!"
"You said the brown word!" Darrius noted, which caused the red headed man to crack up laughing.
"Yes, I did!"
"Listen, some advice, sir: promise them candy or ice cream if they stay near you. Works every time," the man offered.
"Really?"
"Yes. Really. I have three of my own, Artie Weasley is the name," he said and held his hand out for Severus to shake it -- rather odd behavior for a wizard.
"Cousin Artie?" Severus asked, suddenly remembering Simon Wilkes mentioning his weird Muggle-loving cousin.
"Well, to some I am."
"Wilkes?"
"Oh, yes! I am cousin to the Wilkes's!" he said with a happy smile. Severus shook his hand and then glared at Darrius who began to wander again.
"Severus Snape."
"Snape? Oh, the one who saw the picture show with little Simon?"
"Picture show?" Hernon asked as the freezing spell began to wear off him.
"Yes, we saw a movie," Severus said in a rushed tone, eager to make it to the portkey on time.
"What was it like?" Artie asked in a mystified voice.
"It was stupid, but the popcorn was good."
"Yes, what is this popped-corn of which you speak? Simon praised it but I tried to make it with my cans of corn at home and they just caught fire."
"Um, I have no idea really how it's made…sorry. Um, we need to catch a portkey?"
"Oh yes, that would be the Department of Transportation…"
"Oh yes, I know where that is. Well…thanks. Kids…come on, we have to go," Severus said, turning the stroller towards the lift.
"Don't forget, Severus, ice cream and candy!"
"Oh, yeah, right. Okay, kids, ice cream and candy for all of you if you don't run off again," Severus said as Artie smiled at him and then walked off.
"Screw that crap, gimme a new broom and I'll listen to you…maybe," Hernon announced.
"Fine, a new broom if you shut the hell up and do as I say. This way," he pointed to the lift and the group followed him as they were told.
---
Severus downed his anti-nausea potion and shrunk the stroller. Hernon and Draidan knew how to use a portkey but he had to hold on to Darrius and Hellia. They portkeyed alone and arrived at the Ministry for Magic in France a moment later. Darrius was screaming his head off and Hellia vomited all over Severus the instant his feet touched the ground.
"Lovely," Severus said, cleaning his robes magically. He un-shrunk her stroller and walked over to the official. His passport was stamped and they walked over to the area that had lots of floo networks. "Okay, you Hernon, take Draidan with you and floo to City Square, you hear me?"
"Is there a broom in it for me?" Hernon asked as Severus rolled his eyes.
"YES! Just do it!" he shouted as Hernon did as he was told. Severus held Darrius's hand, despite Darrius biting him, and floo'd to the city square with Hellia in his arms. They seemed to all arrive in one piece.
"Cool! Broom shop!" Hernon announced as he ran full speed over to the shop with Draidan hobbling behind him.
"Crap," Severus said to himself. He installed Hellia in her stroller and chased after them, keeping his eyes on Darrius the entire time.
"I want that one!" Hernon shouted as he pointed to a broom that cost three times the amount of Galleons that Severus was given for the trip.
"No. You get the broom when we get back only if you are good and do as I say," Severus said as Hernon made a face.
"Fuck that!"
"Watch your language!"
"Fuck!" Darrius said and then laughed.
"See what you did, Hernon? You'll get no broom if you keep this up!" Severus warned as Hernon looked as if he believed him finally.
"Fuck!" Darrius said again.
"Fuck!" Hellia joined. This day was not going to be easy.
"Lovely; well, at least we're in a foreign country so hopefully no one understands what you are saying," Severus acknowledged and then continued to walk towards the park. "The map says the park is this way…"
"I know where it is, you lowly half-blood," Heron announced as Draidan and Darrius began to giggle.
"Are we back to that crap again?" Severus asked, quickly losing his patience.
"We're always back to that, Snape! Muggle!"
"I'm no Muggle, you buffoon."
---
An hour later, Severus found himself sitting on a park bench, beneath a lovely tree, breathing in the cool but dry lovely Paris air, with three brats wreaking havoc on everything they came into contact with, and his foot repeatedly pushing the stroller back and forth to keep Hellia from screaming her head off. In short, he was miserable.
"Snape is wanker!" Hernon yelled as he ran by Severus and zapped him with his wand.
"Hey! No underage magic!" Severus yelled and instantly disarmed Hernon, who flew back at least six feet.
"You asshole!" he shouted as his wand flew across the park and right into Severus's hand.
"I'll make a deal with you, you little prick…you do as I say for the duration of this trip and I won't destroy your wand…deal?"
"You can't do that!"
"I have done it to bigger and better wizards than you," he seethed, only then realizing he'd just complimented his aggressors. "And I laughed my ass off as I watched their wands burn in the Slytherin fire place. Oh yes, I'll do it to yours as well!" he threatened as the boy suddenly shut up but glared at Severus.
"Whatever, freak! I'll behave but I can't guarantee Darrius will. Speaking of Darrius, where is he?" he asked as Severus shot up from the park bench and gazed around to find the wandering four-year-old.
"Oh, shit!" he said as he began to panic.
"Shit!" Hellia repeated as Draidan laughed.
"Darrius!" Severus yelled, not seeing the curious child anywhere.
"You are so dead, you lost my brother!" Hernon laughed. "My dad is going to kill you!"
"Oh shut up!" Severus erupted as suddenly Hellia began to scream. "What? What?"
"HUNGRY!" she yelled from the stroller. Severus could feel his blood boiling, his heart pounding and his head throbbing. He was on a verge of an absolute panic attack while Hernon just laughed on and Draidan began to hurl spit balls at him. Severus ran behind a large tree and found a very private little area near a lot of brush and shrubbery in an area that overlooked Muggle Paris. He didn't even think; instead, he lifted his sleeve and touched his Dark Mark with the tip of his wand, and waited. And waited…and waited…and waited.
"Where the hell is he?" Severus asked himself, hoping the other three children didn't go missing as he hid from everyone in the brush. Finally, five minutes later a black-clad hooded figure with a Death Eater mask showed up. "Thank Merlin!"
"Severus?" Lucius asked as he removed the mask and hood. "What the fuck, man?"
"Sorry! I need help!"
"Where the fuck am I?"
"Paris, and I'm in trouble!"
"From who? Aurors?"
"What? NO! Worse…children," he sneered as if the word children were a dirty word.
"Oh for Merlin's sake! You summoned me to Paris?"
"Listen, I lost a four-year-old, a two-year-old threw up on me and I'm wearing robes glued with a seven year old's spit!" he spoke in a panicked tone.
"So why call me? I was at work, Severus!"
"You don't work, I'm at work -- this is my job!"
"What? Paris? You didn't tell me you were taking children to Paris, I don't understand," he said, finally calming down slightly.
"Listen, I was to babysit his four brats today, in Paris and one is missing…what the fuck is that?" he asked noticing the missing four-year-old up in a tree nearby. "How did you get up there?"
"Get me down!" the boy cried.
"How did you get up there?"
"I coughed and now I'm here! Get me down!" the boy whined and began to sob from atop the tree.
"My God, Severus, what have you gotten me into? I must tell the Dark Lord where I am. I was in a meeting with the other Governors…what?" he asked noticing a very shocked look on Severus's face. "WHAT?"
"Nothing…I um…forgot to tell the Dark Lord I was here," Severus said in a harsh tone and then made a face as if Lucius was going to slap him.
"Get me down from here!" Darrius again cried.
"You did what? How could you leave the country and not tell him?" Lucius asked in a hushed but angered tone.
"I…I forgot!"
"You can't forget such things! Merlin! Stay here, I'll be back," Lucius said and then vanished from sight. Severus could think of no way to magically get the child down, so he had to climb up to retrieve him.
---
Ten minutes later, Severus sat on the grass where Lucius had Apparated. He held Darrius on his lap and just waited for Lucius to return. Thankfully, he did and did not look quite as angry as he did when he'd left.
"I see you found the brat," Lucius noticed.
"One of them. Did you…talk to him?"
"Yes. He's not pleased that you left without contacting him, however, he understands but expects to see you the morning of July third. He will summon you that morning, so be prepared."
"So he's…angry?"
"No. Had he summoned you, I assume you'd have just abandoned these brats and gone to him, correct?"
"Well…yeah, I guess, I'd have no choice."
"Well, that's what I told him. Had he known you were brat-sitting in another country, then he probably would not think of summoning you unless it was very important…" he said, looking over at Darrius who was seated near the tree he'd flown into magically and was not listening to what they were saying. "You must think of these things, Severus."
"I know, I…just didn't think of it. I'll apologize to him when I see him in two days."
"He seemed pleased that you have a job. He seems most pleased with…everything these days. His mood has been rather jubilant for awhile now. Probably because we are close to winning. Anyway, why did you summon me?"
"I can't keep these brat…children together, I need help."
"What do I know of bra…children?"
"Nothing; but I just need help, man, come on, we must find the other three ingrates," Severus said as he grabbed Darrius by the hand and nearly dragged the boy back to the playground nearby. Once there, he noticed the stroller with Hellia in it. She was alone and still crying. Hernon and Draidan were mock swordfighting near the swings so at least he had all the Belby children reunited.
"HUNGRY!" Hellia again screeched as the sound of her wails caused Lucius to jump.
"I know; hey, Hernon!" Severus yelled as Hernon looked his way. "Let's go get lunch!"
"NO!" Hernon shouted back as Severus glared at Lucius.
"See what I mean?" Severus asked as he began to lose his temper again. "Hernon, now!"
"No, shut up! I'm not hungry yet!" Hernon bragged as Lucius began to laugh.
"Well, your sister is hungry and so am I and…" Severus began to shout as Lucius just smiled and turned to face the boys. The boys had their backs to Lucius as Lucius aimed his wand at them both. "What are you doing?"
"You will both come this way and we will all go eat lunch now," he said in a cool and calculated tone. In an instant, both boys, who looked rather stunned, turned and approached Severus.
"Did you…did you just Imperius them?"
"Shh," Lucius responded and smiled.
"Oh, my God. You are unbelievable. Shit, man, I could have done that, but I'd never do that to a kid! Break the curse this instant!" Severus demanded as Lucius looked most put out.
"If I do, they will continue to be little brats!"
"I know, but come on, man, just…break the curse!"
"Fine," Lucius said. He lazily flicked his wand and then exhaled in a sigh as the kids began to look a little less stunned.
"Where are we going?" Hernon asked and then looked up at Lucius curiously. "Who's this asshole?"
"I am Lucius Malfoy. My father Abraxas is responsible for funding your father's experiments along with a few other close friends of mine. I also work at the Ministry and if you don't shape up this instant I'll see to it that you and your disgusting excuse for a family are living on the streets and begging for Galleons from anyone who will take pity on you," he said coldly, following up with a wicked smile.
"Fuck you!" Draidan said and kicked Lucius in the shin.
"You little…" Lucius shouted, aiming his wand right at the fat boy. Severus got out in front of the wand and tried to keep the peace.
"Let's just all be nice and calm here and get some lunch…shall we?" he asked as he turned to face Lucius.
"Yeah, our mum was rich, so even if you and your daddy stop funding us, we'll never be homeless…blondie!" Hernon said and glared up at Lucius, waiting for a reply.
"I'm going to kill him," Lucius said to Severus in a serious tone.
"Oh no, you have to wait in line; come! LUNCH!" Severus screamed. He grabbed the stroller and bolted down the path towards the magical village nearby. The children laughed but followed Severus while Lucius walked behind them to keep his eye and wand on them.
Ten minutes later, they were all seated at a table outside beneath a large umbrella. Naturally, the snobbish Hernon spoke French and thought he was very cool for doing so. He obviously had no idea that Lucius was fluent, as was Severus.
"Je voudrais le sandwich a la dinde, et ce connard veut un coup de pied," Hernon said, staring at Lucius. The waiter laughed but it seemed Hernon would not have the final word.
"Oui, je voudrais la salade de jardin et que ce petit morceau merde meure une mort lente et pénible," Lucius said and smiled at Hernon.
"I'm not a piece of shit, and how dare you wish me dead!" Hernon seethed as Severus laughed but decided to order through the humor he was witnessing.
"Oui, je voudrais aussi la salade de jardin et que ce petit âne ferme la guêle," Severus said and smiled at Hernon, who had understood every word.
"I am no ass and I will not shut up!"
"Aren't children grand, Severus?" Lucius asked rhetorically as Hernon grew angrier and angrier.
"I hope to have ten just like him. How about you?" Severus said and took a sip of his water.
"Oh, at least five and another five as fat as that one," Lucius mocked, pointing to Draidan, who looked rather stunned.
"You two will shut up this instant!" Hernon commanded as Severus and Lucius just smiled at each other.
"Who do you think you are again, Herman?" Lucius asked as the boy grew even hotter.
"It's Hernon, you retard."
"What a ludicrous name," Lucius laughed and began to eat his salad.
"Would you believe that little gem is in my House at Hogwarts?" Severus asked Lucius, who looked surprised.
"Really? How?" he asked in all honesty.
"Well, our mum was in Slytherin," Hernon announced rather proudly.
"I see. And your father?"
"Ravenclaw."
"How charming," Lucius said in a bored tone. "You sure have your work cut out for you tonight, Sev."
"Yeah, thank God you'll be here…"
"What? No, no, no," Lucius interrupted. "No, tonight the Blacks are throwing a party for me and Narcissa, I must return in three hours."
"Oh God!" Severus spoke, suddenly too full of dread to continue eating his salad.
---
Two hours later, Severus found himself running around the streets of Muggle Paris in his robes. He didn't care that people were staring at him and laughing. The only word escaping his lips was "Darrius!" which he shouted every few seconds. He'd left Lucius behind in magical Paris doing the same thing.
He did stop once to gaze upon the Eiffel Tower and then continued running down the streets. The boy had gone missing while Severus and Lucius were fighting with Draidan to put down his ninth croissant after lunch.
"Bonjour, mon Père," an older Muggle woman said to Severus with a smile as he rushed passed her. 'I'm not your father!' he thought to himself as he continued to run. Four more Muggles repeated the same line to him.
"Why does everyone think I'm their…" he asked himself aloud as he stopped his run and looked at his reflection from the glass of a lingerie shop. "Oh, I look like a Muggle Priest…DARRIUS!" he screamed again, still not finding the boy. He decided to search for the boy in Muggle Paris was futile, so he turned to head back to the magical village.
He entered the abandoned bakery which was the gateway to the magical village to continue his search for the missing boy. On his way back to where he'd left Lucius, he saw a witch with very long hair on the sidewalk with a table in front of her. On the table were various pieces of jewelry. Her sign read in French, "Handmade silver jewelry."
"Ccombine sont ceux-ci?" he asked as the girl smiled and began to speak English back to him.
"Well, each are different price," she informed him. Severus smiled when she spoke English to him. His eye was drawn to a silver ring with Celtic designs on it. In the center was a diamond shaped ruby. It was not a large ruby, but large enough. He instantly pictured the ring on Ruby's long fingers and without even thinking, he reached for it.
"I like this one," he said picking up the light ring. The design was unique and the tiny ruby spoke volumes to Severus. "How much? Oh, do you accept Galleons?"
"Oh yes. That one is two Galleons."
"That's it?"
"Oui, that's it. I made it myself, pure silver and a…"
"I'll take it," he said reaching in the sack from Belby. He figured after all he'd been put through, Belby could pay for the ring.
"Merci!" she said with a warm smile.
"There you are!" he heard the voice of Lucius speak. He turned to find Lucius running towards him from behind the stroller. All of the children were with him but the man looked infuriated. Severus put the ring in his pocket and approached Lucius.
"Where was he?"
"Under the fucking table of the café we were at, the entire time!" Lucius huffed.
"Oh God when will this day end?" Severus asked as Lucius rolled the stroller closer to Severus.
"For me, right now; for you…tomorrow. Good luck and don't even think about calling me," Lucius sneered. Before Severus could respond, he was gone.
"Zoo! Fucking zoo!" Hellia spoke as Severus took a very deep breath. Thinking of the present he'd bought a girl he'd just met terrified him but got his mind off the children, who had learned to cuss as much as he. He turned the stroller around and made his way to the zoo.
---
"I want to go over there!" Darrius shouted as Severus remained on the bench in front of the hippogriffs.
"No."
"I want to go over there!" he shouted again and began to pull on the rope that Severus had tied him to.
"No. And I'm not letting you off this rope either," Severus said coolly as the boy began to cry. Severus had tried to think of every magic trick he could, but child restraining spells were never his forte. Instead, he'd purchased a rope, tied it around Darrius's right wrist and then attached it to his own wrist. He may have looked like a fool, but he did not care: that kid was not going to escape again.
He somehow managed to assemble the gang of insulting and rude children and got them back to the hotel. Naturally, he never bothered to ask any of the kids if they needed to use the loo all day and just let the boys pee in the bushes. So when he checked into his suite and removed Hellia from her stroller, he got to see and smell the long stream of urine that dripped down her legs and left a puddle in the stroller.
"Oh, God."
"Wow, Snape, you half-bloods sure are stupid -- half-brains is more like it, I guess. You better clean her up!" Hernon demanded as Severus used magic to clean both the girl and the stroller. Her rash was another matter, which required actual healing spells. Severus then had a house-elf deliver dinner to their room where he could keep a closer eye on them. He cast a silencing charm on the suite since Hernon and Draidan were screaming and kicking at each other. Hellia was running about and jumping around as Darrius just sat and banged his head against the bed post for thirty minutes.
Severus's headache grew while he tried to eat dinner, which wasn't easy. Naturally, Hernon and Draidan had a food fight, followed by a pillow fight. It took Severus two hours even using magic to get all of the feathers off the mashed potato laden wall and back in the pillow cases where they belonged. By ten o'clock, Severus was exhausted and, thank God, Darrius was too. He fell asleep while Draidan and Hernon played exploding snap. The one person who had no desire to sleep was Hellia.
---
At two a.m. Severus was running around the suite in circles clutching the crying Hellia in his arms. He sang, made funny voices, drew magical pictures using light beams and transfigured a puppy for her but nothing worked. She just wouldn't stop screaming.
At three a.m. he was terrified when she called from the loo for him to help 'wipe her doody butt.' Severus toyed with the idea for a moment. The girl wanted him to wipe her butt. She was only two and probably lacked the dexterity to wipe her own butt. Something about wiping anyone's butt scared the crap out of him. He was filled with terror as she continued to yell from the loo.
"Help with my doody butt!" she whined again as he paced the room. There must be a magical way to do it. If he Scourgified her, she'd be cleaned all over, right? But would that spell clean the part that needed cleaning the most?
"Doody butt!" she howled again as he began to sweat and cuss at himself. Before he had more time to think, she came walking out wearing nothing, nothing at all…except some 'doody' that was dripping down her legs. "My butt is dirty," she said and smiled. He was horrified and slightly grossed out. He cast a Scourgify on her only to find she was then covered head to toe in soap, including her eyes. She screamed even louder, so he just scooped her up and ran into the loo.
"Oh, hell, you didn't flush?" he asked, noting the smell and then seeing the floater the instant he entered the loo. He flushed and then ran the water in the claw foot tub. He put her in the tub and just scrubbed her down using the wash cloth.
"Mimi dragon!" she said as he figured she was just saying nothing important. He continued to wipe her down when she repeated herself and then stomped her foot. "Mimi dragon!" When she stomped her foot, Severus got hit in the face with a wave of soapy tub water.
"What is Mimi dragon?" he asked as Draidan walked into the loo. Severus turned to see the fat boy standing at the toilet peeing, right in front of him. Fatty had no shame.
"That's her bathtub toy, moron!"
"Fine," Severus said, looking around for something to turn into a dragon. He found a loofa and hoped that did the trick. He turned it into a somewhat decent looking purple dragon and threw it into the water.
"No! Pink!"
"Oh," Severus said and turned it pink.
"NO! That's not Mimi!"
"You're right, it's Mimi's sister…Pipi, and she's pink and she's just fine," he said, trying to get the soap out of her hair. He then lifted her from the tub and wrapped her in a towel. There was no time for any kind of modesty, it seemed. He carried her to the room and dug around her bag for a night shirt. He dressed her in the pink shirt and then carried her to the living room area of the suite to read her a bedtime story he'd found in the bag as well. He'd almost fallen asleep reading the asinine story to her, when he heard cries coming from the bedroom.
"Now what?" he said to himself as he entered the room.
"I peed in the bed," Darrius said and began to cry. Severus cleaned the sheets magically and helped him into his night shirt. He put him back to bed and noticed that it was five in the morning. It seemed he'd never get any sleep.
Severus fell asleep at six in the morning and was woken up at seven by his pocket watch. Hellia refused to wake up, so he just let her sleep while the boys ate their room service breakfast. He tied the rope around Darrius again and made his way downstairs with the sleeping girl in the stroller.
When he arrived back in Diagon Alley, he felt like the walking dead. He practically limped all the way to the Belby lab. Once there, he broke the rope magically and entered the lab. Belby looked happy to see his kids, but Severus was too pissed off and tired to speak. Severus threw the sack of remaining Galleons on the table along with Hernon's wand and turned to leave.
"Wait," Belby began to say when Severus turned and glared at him.
"Your children are in good health, see you on the sixth," he said and walked out. He was so tired he feared he'd splinch himself if he tried to Apparate. Instead, he made it to the floo and in an instant he found himself walking out into the Malfoy great room.
"Ah, Sev, I see you survived," Lucius said from the sofa. He put his tea cup down and rose to greet Severus who walked right passed him. He focused on the sofa and on the sofa only. When he reached it he collapsed onto it. He vowed never again to babysit. Within ten seconds, he was fast asleep.