Epilogue.
"I don't think I'll ever get used to the white dust," Ivan mused, leaning against a wall of the alleyway.
"I'm just happy I'm not seeing any more of the black dust," Alfred sighed, standing from his kneeling position. He'd managed to corner what seemed like a lion-shaped demon and all it took was a quick wish and it had vanished, just like all the rest.
"You do know you can take a break if you want, right?" Ivan asked simply and Alfred glanced back at him. Ivan nodded. Of course. Alfred kept himself distracted as much as he could. Practically worked himself to exhaustion. He focused solely on positive wishes, as many as possible. He was 'cleaning up the streets', or whatever line the press was using now. Alfred didn't give himself the time to think. Ever since he'd woken up, he'd spent weeks doing nothing but making positive wishes.
As if that would make up for what he did.
"There's bound to be more demons in this part of town," Alfred offered a fake smile before walking out of the alleyway. Ivan sighed again, following him close behind. He always tried to stay as close to Alfred as possible, if not because the public seemed to panic if Alfred wasn't 'under control', then to make sure that Alfred stayed safe. Didn't work himself too hard.
They were deep downtown, on Ivan's day off of school. He still went, though he often found that he could handle more than they gave him credit for. They seemed way too hesitant to accept that Alfred and Matthew had done what they did. But Ivan had the luxury of having certain days off of school. The days the normal students went off with instructors to fight lower level demons. The older Hunters were too afraid to try positive wishes, but some of the younger ones were willing to give it a shot. Some of them succeeded. Feliciano and Ludwig also had those days off and were more than happy to go off on their own with Lovino, Gilbert, and Matthew to get rid of as many normal demons as they could.
Matthew at least seemed to be doing better than Alfred with the shock. Then again, Gilbert was closer to Matthew…
It only took a few minutes until Alfred managed to find a small group of demons in the shape of rabbits hiding out in front of a grocery store. Alfred seemed almost happy to see them. Ivan followed him, not even bothering to pull out his gun he carried with him just in case. Alfred could handle this well enough on his own.
With so much practice going against demons, Alfred didn't even have to say a single word out loud to get rid of them. He could hold them still using abilities from his father, which he seemed to use quite liberally now, and now managed to just think wishes and the demons would just disappear. As far as Ivan could tell, that was exclusively a half-demon ability. Maybe even just an Alfred ability.
But in just a few moments, the demons were dust. Alfred nodded to himself proudly.
"How about we take a break?" Ivan asked. "Have some lunch?"
"No, I…I'm not hungry," Alfred shook his head. "And there's a lot of demons still around, I can feel them. No time to just…laze around, right?"
"Of course," Ivan smiled. "I wasn't hungry, either."
"I mean…" Alfred blinked and turned towards him with wide eyes. "If you…er…I guess…um…I'm sorry. You need to eat."
"You do, too," Ivan said. "We can go home, take a break, no one's going to count it against you. I promise."
"I already waste so much time sitting around while you're in school," Alfred sighed heavily. Yes, that seemed like the one time Alfred would sit still, because he was forced to. That and when he got so tired that he passed out. "God, I keep just…I'm sorry," Alfred ran a hand through his hair. "It's not bad that you're in school I just…"
"You shouldn't just keep ignoring it," Ivan sighed, shaking his head. "You need to talk about it."
"Do you really wanna do this here?" Alfred asked, glancing to the random people on the street. Ivan rolled his eyes. "Look, I'm fine, okay? No need to fuss over me, I promise."
"It's okay to not be okay," Ivan said simply. He didn't need to be so strong all the time. Ever since Alfred woke up, he ignored what happened to him. He ignored Ivan's attempts to talk about what happened. It was like Arthur never existed. It wasn't like Ivan was about to bring it up, considering the high chance it had of triggering Alfred.
"I'm fine," Alfred gave a fake smile. "Promise, big guy."
"Of course," Ivan nodded. "In that case, should we look for more demons?"
"Yeah," Alfred's smile faltered just slightly. "I'll get on that."
Alfred found himself screaming before he could stop himself this time. He panted as he cursed himself, Ivan sitting up beside him. It was pitch black in their now shared room, the middle of the night as usual. Alfred groaned. He was usually so much better at keeping himself quiet. But Arthur had told him that he loved him again…And Alfred just…just…shot him in the face.
"I'm fine," Alfred mumbled before Ivan had a chance to ask. He was half tempted to get out of the room…but there was an incredibly high chance Ivan would follow him anyway…He'd been doing so well for the past few weeks, holding back his own screams from his never-ending nightmares.
"You really don't seem fine," Ivan sighed and Alfred hugged his legs close to himself. He tried to think of the possibilities to change the subject. This was a lot easier when they were outside, where things could distract both of them, especially demons. It was also a lot easier when Ivan wasn't around. With the exception of Matthew, no one tried to force him to talk about his emotions, but Matthew never did it in public…
"I don't want to talk about it," Alfred said stiffly. Maybe that would get Ivan to calm down. He didn't want anyone to worry about him. It was sad enough that he was this affected by someone who was dead…
"Okay," Ivan nodded and Alfred blinked. That worked? But it left a little hollow in his chest. "If you do want to talk, I'll always be around to listen."
"You've seen me cry enough times," Alfred grumbled. He hadn't even realized he said it out loud and he flinched, but Ivan's face didn't change.
"I don't need to see it if you don't want me to," Ivan said.
"You're so fucking…patient…" Alfred shook his head, glaring at the sheets. "How?"
"It's not your fault," Ivan said and Alfred clenched his jaw and his fists. "How could I blame you for something you couldn't help?"
"I could help a lot of things," Alfred muttered and sighed. "Whatever, just go back to sleep."
"Are you sure?" Ivan asked delicately. Alfred nodded mutely and Ivan nodded back. He patted Alfred's shoulder lightly before lying back down. Alfred huffed. Who knew when, or even if, Ivan would get back to sleep. But Alfred knew that he couldn't go back to sleep. It was hard enough closing his eyes every night when he knew that only nightmares would greet him.
He could talk. Hell, he probably should talk about it…but he was scared. Scared of what would come out of it. He tried to counteract all of these negative thoughts bubbling and stewing inside his head by defeating all of those demons with positive wishes. It worked sometimes, the warm feeling in his chest at seeing the white dust. But sometimes Alfred could swear that the dust was black. That the demon disappearing was his father, staring at him like he usually did.
Alfred buried his head in his hands. There was no…no…climax to it or anything. Arthur hadn't changed during the fight. One second he was teasing him as usual, the next he was gone forever. It felt like a false sense of security. Alfred just…just…knew that one day Arthur would waltz through their front door and try to kill him again. Alfred knew that the demons around him were sent from his father, knew that they were aiming to kill him.
Alfred looked up at the ceiling. Arthur wasn't really dead, he couldn't be…After having the demon hanging over him all of his life…he couldn't be dead.
He'd said he loved him.
Alfred darted out of the bed as soon as he noticed he was shaking.
Ivan hadn't moved.
The sky…Arthur had never been in the sky, the sky was a place Alfred could escape to.
Alfred darted to his old room, where he could easily climb out the window and get to the roof. He'd stay up there until he could think properly.
But if he went outside, there was always a chance that Arthur could send another demon after him.
Ivan wanted to say something…he wanted to talk to Alfred about it, maybe convince him to really talk about what was going through his head. It didn't seem like he slept much at all. Hell, he almost seemed afraid to go to bed, and he would check all of the windows and the lock on the door before going to bed. He was getting more and more paranoid as the days went on and shut down at the very mention of Arthur. Those tactless Hunters that thought they were in charge never noticed the change in Alfred's face when they talked about his father. Ivan had to be the one to pull him away and try to find a way to calm him down. But Alfred was able to shut down in record time every single time.
Now wouldn't be the time or place to try anything. They were invited to Feliciano and Lovino's apartment for dinner again. Alfred didn't want to let anyone know that anything was wrong, so he decided to go. But that fake smile plastered on his face wasn't fooling Ivan, at least. He would try to laugh at jokes, but Ivan saw his eyes dart to the door, as if he was afraid.
"You haven't gotten him to talk?" Matthew asked Ivan delicately. They sat alone on the couch, the others in or around the kitchen. Alfred was forcing himself to be more social than he normally would be. Gilbert seemed to think that the best way to help Alfred would be to distract him with funny stories. But Alfred only gave fake laughs when he knew Gilbert wanted them.
"No," Ivan sighed. "This is…different from the other times. He's…I'm afraid he's shutting down completely."
"I can't say I know what he's thinking," Matthew leaned back, staring at the ceiling. "I don't even know if talking about it will help anything. But I got close to shifting away, to shutting down. Gilbert was able to help ground me."
"How am I supposed to ground him?" Ivan asked. He was desperate. He wasn't going to give up on Alfred. The main source of the problems in his life was gone…but that was a part of the problem in itself, wasn't it? Ivan was getting tired, running out of ideas. And he was afraid that if he stopped trying, Alfred might give up on him, too. At the very least, Alfred was able to really look him in the eye still. Even though the only things to come out of his mouth were lies about how he was okay.
"Arthur's never going to go away," Matthew said the demon's name quietly, as if he was afraid Alfred could somehow hear him around the small crowd. "This is different from before. Way different from when we were kids. I don't know what to do."
"All I can think of is to just stay by his side," Ivan shook his head. "But that hasn't been working so far."
"It might be," Matthew shrugged and Ivan straightened up when he noticed Alfred look at him. Ivan offered a smile, but Alfred's expression didn't change. He turned and laughed at something Gilbert had said. "You never know what's going on in his head."
"I just wish I could do something," Ivan sighed. Maybe he should go and make sure Alfred was doing alright. If needed, Ivan could make an excuse about why he had to go home. "He doesn't deserve to feel like this, it's not even his fault."
"If we're lucky, one day he'll realize that, too," Matthew shrugged. "You never know."
Alfred looked at him again and Ivan stood up. Something was wrong. Alfred was stiffer than normal…Ivan easily walked over, offering a thankful glance at Matthew, who nodded with a smile.
"You should have seen Lovnio's face!" Gilbert cackled and Lovino growled, pointing his knife in Gilbert's direction. Gilbert put his hands up defensively, but continued laughing anyway.
"He smelled like tomatoes for days afterwards," Feliciano mused. Ivan smiled slightly, standing right beside Alfred. Almost immediately, Alfred tightly latched onto Ivan's hand. Ivan blinked, looking at Alfred, who stared at the ground intently.
Ivan nodded faintly before making a show of pulling out his phone, pretending to look at a text. He let out a sigh.
"Something wrong?" Feliciano asked curiously and Ivan blinked up at him. He was perceptive, probably perceptive enough to know that Alfred had to leave, but he probably didn't know how to bring it up.
"My sister, Natalia," Ivan said simply. "She's managed to squirm away from Katyusha and I think she might be at my apartment. I should find her before she manages to hurt her leg even more." It was a believable lie. Natalia had managed to hurt her leg severely while trying to save people during the fight. Katyusha practically threw a fit, yelling at Ivan for going along with the whole thing to begin with. She hardly let Natalia out of her sight and Natalia felt like she was being smothered. At least she was safe. Once she was fully healed, Ivan could most likely look forward to seeing her in the school…for now, however, she was a good enough lie.
"If she made it to the apartment again, she probably managed to break the doorknob again," Alfred mused and Ivan rolled his eyes.
"I'm sorry, but it looks like we'll have to leave early," Ivan apologized. Feliciano shook his head.
"No, don't be sorry, go ahead," Feliciano seemed relieved. So he had noticed.
"Maybe we can try again next week," Ludwig offered and Ivan nodded.
"That sounds nice," Ivan said as Alfred already started walking towards the door, pulling Ivan with him. Ivan was…surprised. Had something triggered him while Ivan wasn't paying attention? Unlikely, he wasn't shaking… "Thank you for all of the effort you put into this." Ivan barely managed to get the words out before Alfred pulled him out the front door and closed it. Alfred sighed heavily.
"I'm sorry," Alfred muttered. "You can go back."
"I already lied enough that I can't go back," Ivan said simply. "Do you want to go back home? We can talk on the way or when we get there? If you want to…"
"I…uh…" Alfred groaned, but he didn't let go of Ivan's hand. "Let's go." Alfred started walking before Ivan could register he'd started moving. But he didn't complain, following Alfred wordlessly through the streets and the people moving on with their own lives, safe and sound. They stayed quiet the entire walk, Alfred with his lips closed into a tight line as he lead Ivan.
Finally, they reached the apartment and Alfred impatiently used his own key to let them in. Ivan locked the door behind them as Alfred sighed heavily, leaning against the wall.
"Did something happen?" Ivan asked tentatively.
"I just…" Alfred groaned. "I've been thinking."
Ivan waited for Alfred to say more, but he didn't. Ivan nodded patiently.
"About?" Ivan supplied and Alfred blinked, looking him in the eye. Ivan really wished he could figure out his thoughts, find some way to help him without forcing him to talk. But Ivan couldn't be helpful without knowing something. But he had to be patient.
"I just…" Alfred ran his free hand through his hair. He refused to let go of Ivan's had with the other. "He's not going away…"
"Arthur?" Ivan asked hesitantly. Alfred stiffened, but nodded slowly. Ivan breathed out slowly and nodded. "You know you don't have to talk about it."
"I should, shouldn't I?" Alfred mused. "I just…everyone else, they don't have a care in the world. Everything's fine. They won a fight and everything's great now. Congrats, everyone, we beat an enemy we didn't think we could, now let's move on, build off of it, and not let it affect us in the long run!" Alfred threw his head back, hitting it painfully on the wall behind him. "I can't do that, I just can't. He's not leaving, Ivan…I just…"
"You can tell me what you're thinking," Ivan nodded encouragingly. Okay…so a small breakthrough… "It doesn't have to make sense and I swear I'll listen to you."
"I've already burdened you enough," Alfred muttered.
"Your burdens are my burdens," Ivan nodded. "Nothing is ever too much, I swear. You can tell me anything."
"I'm sorry I'm making this so hard for you," Alfred blurted and winced.
"Didn't I already tell you I'll always forgive you?" Ivan smiled faintly and Alfred stared at him with those deep red eyes, shining with tears Alfred refused to shed.
"That was a different thing," Alfred said quietly.
"My response will never change, no matter what it is," Ivan promised. "You can tell me anything."
Alfred took a deep breath, but he didn't look away from Ivan.
"He said he loved me."
There we go! All done! There is not going to be a point in Alfred's life when he'll get over this. That's not the point of the story, too. So that is why his problems weren't "solved", even though they never will be. At the very least, we get to see him remembering that Ivan will always be there and won't leave him. But they'll probably have conversations like this throughout their lives.
But now we're done! I've enjoyed this story and explored way more things than I first assumed I would. But it was a good emotional stretch for me. I haven't really written anything like this before, so it was quite interesting.
With that in mind, I, of course, have another story I'm in the process of writing and should start posting soon. It'll be RusAme again, titled "Playing With Fire", so you can look out for that.
And with that, I'll say farewell for now!