Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Remus watched Sirius hurry away from them, then turned to James, Lily, and Peter.
"We'll meet you up there, okay?" James said to Lily, realizing the meaning of Remus' look.
"Actually, I'll see you tomorrow," she said. "I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight."
"Okay," James said. He kissed her quickly, and she started to climb the stairs.
Remus, James, and Peter rushed down the hall after their friend.
The bathroom was well-lit, but the dark stones gave the room a dim appearance. The floor was smooth under their trainers, light from candles skittering across the shiny stones. Dark shadows swallowed up the light around the wooden stalls. One shadow in the end stall moved convulsively, and they approached it carefully.
They found Sirius being violently ill. Remus knelt next to him and put a hand on his friends back, rubbing slow, soothing circles, wincing at the feeling of bones pressing into his hand. He glanced up at James and Peter who stood by the sinks, looking helpless.
After a few minutes, Sirius finally stopped throwing up, though he remained hunched over, gasping.
"Merlin," James whispered, taking a step forward, face white. He was beginning to look sick himself.
"James," Remus said calmly, "could you get a damp towel, please?"
James nodded hastily and turned to do just that, running into Peter, whom he shoved out of the way.
Remus helped Sirius sit back, against the wall. When the damp towel was given to him, Remus tried to hand it to Sirius, but Sirius just stared at him in hazy confusion. Remus gently wiped the sweat from Sirius' face.
"Can you get up?" he asked softly.
Sirius nodded. "Just – just give me a minute." His voice was strained.
When Sirius tried to stand, his trainers slipped on the smooth floor, and would have fallen if James hadn't caught him. James escorted Sirius over to the marble sinks, which he held onto tightly as he rinsed his mouth.
"Think you can make it to the hospital wing?" James asked.
"I don't need the hospital wing," Sirius said. "I'm fine."
"Bloody hell, Sirius," James swore. "Just let us take you to the hospital wing."
"No."
"Please?"
"No. I don't want to." Sirius turned to them, his eyes pleading. "Please, I just want to go to bed."
They gave him what he wanted because it was all they could do. Anything to make him a little less miserable. It took them forever to make it up to their dormitory, taking turns supporting Sirius, who felt too weak to make it on his own. James kept telling Sirius he needed to go see Madam Pomfrey, but Sirius stubbornly resisted.
Remus noted people watching them as they walked through the common room slowly, James clutching Sirius' arm to keep him upright.
"Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital wing?" James asked as Sirius sat on his bed.
"Yes," Sirius said softly. He lay down on his side, holding his stomach.
"Does it still hurt?" Peter asked. Sirius nodded, closing his eyes tightly.
After about half an hour, Sirius fell into a fitful sleep. Remus, James, and Peter quietly worked on the last remaining bit of homework.
"What do you think is wrong with him?" James whispered, looking worriedly at Sirius' sleeping form.
"I don't know," Remus responded.
"We should have realized he was sick," James said guiltily. "We should have been paying attention."
Remus considered what else they should have noticed. It had probably been really hard for Sirius to admit what his parents had done. But as they had already known that his parents abused him, it wasn't as big of a confession to them as it was to him. They moved on from it quickly, going on with their lives.
"Why do you think he told us his parents hurt him?" Remus asked. James blinked.
"I don't know."
"He wouldn't tell us before because he didn't want us to worry, right? So why pretend it wasn't as bad as it was? Why not go to the hospital wing? Unless there's something he isn't telling us."
"Like what?"
"I don't know."
They went to bed early in preparation for the return to classes the next day. But only Peter got much sleep.
Less than an hour after they had all gone to sleep, Remus and James were awake again, hearing Sirius being ill again in the bathroom. Remus padded across the cold stone floors of the dormitory, into the bathroom. He helped Sirius get cleaned up a bit, helped him back to bed.
"Thanks, Moony," Sirius whispered.
"Please go to the hospital wing, Sirius," Remus begged.
Sirius shook his head. "I'm fine now."
Remus lay back down, trying to go to sleep again, but he felt that he had scarcely closed his eyes when Sirius was up again.
"I'll go," James said as Remus made to get up, getting up himself and following Sirius into the bathroom. Remus appreciated James' understanding. Neither wanted to leave Sirius to face this alone. They needed to help him somehow.
When they returned, James came and sat on the end of Remus' bed, his weight making the bed slope toward him.
"Is there anything we can do for him?" he asked. "Besides the hospital wing, I mean. Something we can do?"
"I don't know."
"I wish there was something," James said, looking worriedly in Sirius' direction.
"I do too."
"Everything is going wrong for him this year."
"I think it's been a long time coming."
James nodded sadly.
"You should try to get some sleep. We've got class tomorrow," Remus said.
James looked pained. "I know."
They tried to sleep, but only Peter was successful. Peter could sleep through anything. James and Remus woke up an hour later, the next time Sirius woke up.
"My turn," Remus said to James, going into the bathroom.
When Sirius had stopped throwing up, he remained sitting on the icy floor. He was white as a sheet, sweaty, and shaking.
"C'mon, Sirius. You're sick. You need to go see Madam Pomfrey," Remus said gently.
Sirius shook his head. "I don't want to go."
"Why not?"
Sirius was silent.
"Did your parents have something to do with this?"
Sirius shook his head, eyes downcast.
"You should at least get up off the cold floor," Remus said. "Before you get sicker."
"Just a minute."
"What's wrong?"
"I think I might be sick again."
Remus sat next to Sirius for quite a while, still rubbing his back, wishing he could do more to help. Sirius' long black hair rustled softly as the fabric of his T-shirt shifted under Remus' hand, and Remus realized Sirius was still wearing his clothes from earlier.
"Okay, I think I'm okay now," Sirius whispered, finally. He stood up shakily and stumbled over to the sink to brush his teeth. Remus stood up stiffly, joints aching from prolonged contact with cold stone.
Once Sirius was back in bed, Remus got a glass of water for him, then sat on the edge of his bed.
"Here, drink a bit of this," he said, holding out the glass.
Sirius shook his head. "It'll make it hurt more," he whispered, eyes wide.
"You're going to feel much worse if you get dehydrated," Remus said. "C'mon, just a little bit."
"I don't think it could get worse," Sirius said softly, but he did it anyway. It must hurt pretty bad, Remus thought, for Sirius to say something like that.
He was shivering, Remus noticed, though the bed covers were pulled up to his chin. He went over to the wardrobe in the corner, pulling a blanket out of the top of it. He draped it over Sirius' trembling body, then sat on the edge of the bed again. He pushed Sirius' hair away from his face and felt his forehead.
"What are you doing?" Sirius croaked. Remus felt his heart sink as he realized that Sirius' mother had probably never taken care of him when he was sick. He had probably fended for himself for most of his childhood.
"Checking your temperature. You've got a fever," Remus said, his eyebrows knitting together with concern.
Sirius closed his eyes. "I'll be okay."
Remus sighed. "Go to sleep."
"Remus?" Sirius was staring at him again with feverish eyes.
"Hmm?"
"Thank you for…for this," Sirius said, struggling for words.
"You're welcome. Now go to sleep."
Remus shuffled across the floor, feeling with his feet for anything that might trip him up. He made it safely back to his bed, sinking into the warmth of it, falling asleep almost instantly. Until he was woken up an hour later.
James and Remus were woken up several more times throughout the night. They took turns going to look after their friend. At least, they did until around three, when Remus couldn't go back to sleep. He took care of Sirius after that, trying to let James sleep a bit more.
Sirius managed to stay asleep after his bout of sickness at about four thirty. Remus could tell he would stay asleep for a while this time; Sirius was absolutely still and silent, a great contrast to the fevered tossing and turning of earlier.
Remus watched the sun rise, a haze of orange radiance refracting off the light golden mist that hung in the air about the many towers and turrets of the castle, injecting a damp chill into the air. When the light came in through the window to creep up the edges of the beds and slither about the walls, Remus got out of bed and drew the curtains around Sirius' four poster.
"We should let him sleep in, huh?" James whispered. Remus whirled around.
"I didn't know you were up," he said. He moved to sit on James' bed; James scooted over to make room for him.
"It's after six," James said.
Remus nodded.
"He should stay in bed, right?" James asked.
"Yeah. And someone should probably stay with him," Remus replied. Sirius would probably be fine on his own. But he was alone too much.
"I can do it," James volunteered. "I know you hate to miss class."
"I'll see if I can get the house elves to bring you up something to eat," Remus said, by way of agreeing.
Remus and James showered and got dressed, and by the time they were finished, Peter was awake, and he also got ready.
Remus and Peter left James in the dormitory and went down to go to breakfast, running into Lily in the common room.
"Where are James and Sirius?" Lily asked, frowning slightly.
"Sirius has been sick all night, so James is staying with him," Remus explained. He put up a hand to rub at his eyes, becoming more tired just thinking of the past night.
"Why didn't you take him to the hospital wing?" Lily asked.
"He won't go. He keeps saying he's fine, even though he's been throwing up since right after dinner last night and he's got a fever."
"Well, I'll take a turn staying with him today, okay?" Lily said kindly.
"Thanks." It was a testament to Lily's understanding that she didn't question their motives. She knew why they wouldn't force Sirius to do anything he didn't want to do.
Lily looked over Remus again. "And in the meantime, let's get you some coffee. You look like death warmed over."