Of Finding Innocence

by FanficwriterGHC

When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. AU.

37. Chapter 37

Title: Of Finding Innocence

Disclaimer: I own The Paige Series. Writing for Castle would be a dream come true. So, you know, let's make that happen?

Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU.

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Chapter 37:

"That is one impressive rock," Gray offered, reaching over to lift her hand up so the other guys could take a good, long look at her new engagement ring. "Two, four carats?"

She hadn't asked. "An expert on diamonds, are you?" she returned, yanking her hand back with a smirk.

"I seem to recall a certain Detective denying an engagement not that long ago," Hall added, sitting down on the edge of her desk. "Something about a wedding dress and not believing everything you hear in the papers?"

"Your point?" Kate asked, looking up from the paperwork she was filling out for the close she'd walked into. The guys had solved their case just as she came in, and in a fit of benevolence, she'd offered to write up the suspect backlog for them. Of course, now that they were hazing her and gathering a small crowd of not-so-subtle officers, she was wondering what had possessed her.

"Congratulations, is their point," Jacobs said with a light chuckle. The other two scowled and plopped back down at their desks. "Congratulations. I trust everything's all right with your family?"

Kate smiled at him. For all the animosity he'd had for her when she'd started as a uniform, Jacobs might now be her favorite member of her team. "Thank you. And yes, they're fine. Rick will be laid up for a few more weeks, but Alexis is doing well, and currently kicking Esposito and Ryan's collective ass in laser tag."

"Sounds like fun," Jacobs said. "We've been a bit off without you, but take more time if you need it."

Kate nodded. "Thank you. But it's good to be back."

"Well, then save those days up for the wedding. When is it?" Gray piped up.

"End of September," Kate said absently, filling out another line on her form as Jacobs made his way back to his desk, grabbing a box to start taking down the murder board.

"That's soon," he interjected as he grabbed the picture of Talia, a young woman who had been stabbed in a bakery and left splayed across the tables.

Kate hummed. "I guess." It hadn't been something she'd focused on so far. Was it soon? Did they need to start planning now?

"Are you ready for the insanity?" Hall asked with a small grin. "God, my wife nearly offed herself while we were planning."

"That's because you had a three hundred person wedding, Hall," Gray laughed. "I didn't even know a third of the people there."

"Her family's big," Hall objected.

"Planning my wedding wasn't a picnic either, and we had a small one," Jacobs cut in. "But, we refused a planner, and somehow, I feel like that'll be on the top of your list," he continued, erasing their timeline.

"Rick's supposed to call Elise tomorrow," Kate confirmed, finishing off her paperwork with a flourish. "But it shouldn't be too bad. Small, you know?" At least she hoped it wouldn't be too bad. They were all making it out to be hell. She didn't want hell. She just wanted a simple wedding. How hard could that be?

"Are we invited?" Gray asked, sounding excited and petulant all at once.

"Stop flaunting my ring for the world to see and stay on my good side, and we'll see," Kate smirked, standing and gathering the files to run them down to processing. She wouldn't worry about the wedding now. They had time yet.

"I don't like those stipulations," Hall called after her. "It's supposed to be conditionless!"

Kate just laughed as she turned the corner, feeling more even-keeled than she had in a week. There was a distinct sense of normalcy about being back in the pen, arguing and bickering with her guys, knowing that Rick and Alexis were okay at home. And she did know that. She would have known it even if she hadn't called them three times in the seven hours she'd been at the station.

"Katherine Beckett." Kate turned and found herself face-to-face with Lanie. "What's this about a new ring I'm hearing? You didn't come to see me first?" she demanded, hands on her hips. Lanie was actually fairly intimidating in her blue scrubs. Maybe it was something about the fact that she cut people up in that outfit.

"I was planning to stop by before I headed home," Kate hedged, handing her files to the amused looking uniform who was leaning out of the office to their left. "And I knew you were held up with a couple bodies, so I thought I'd wait until I knew you had a break?" she finished meekly.

Lanie glared at her for a few seconds before huffing out a sigh and reaching out to drag Kate closer, bringing her left hand up for inspection. Her face relaxed into a grin before she whistled. "Damn, girl."

"Right?" Kate replied happily, feeling that giddy excitement she'd had to tamp down on the ride over resurface.

"It's gorgeous," Lanie breathed, dragging her down the hall to plop down into two uncomfortable leather-padded chairs outside of the conference room. The hallway was oddly empty and Lanie had no qualms about taking advantage of that. "So, how did he do it?"

Kate smiled and squeezed Lanie's hand. "It was really quiet."

"No big gesture? I mean…well…hard to do when you're laid up, huh?" she conceded.

Kate laughed. "A bit. But it was perfect. I…leaving today was harder than I thought it would be, and he just…he calmed me down and then gave the most amazing speech and," she petered off, raising a shoulder.

"And now it's officially official?" Lanie offered.

"Yeah," Kate grinned.

"Look at you," Lanie said happily. "You can't stop smiling."

"It's been a rough day that way," Kate admitted. "And the guys are such busy bodies."

"You should have come to me first," Lanie pouted. "I would have been sufficiently excited and not at all obnoxious."

"I'll remember that," Kate laughed. "I'm still learning to do the open thing, you know?" she added softly. She and Maddy had always been close, but after her mother's death, she'd stopped sharing so much. And it had only gotten worse as they'd grown apart. Lanie, however, demanded full disclosure, and it was taking Kate a surprisingly long time to adjust back to how she'd been in high school—unmeasured and free with her love and relationships.

"I know," Lanie smiled. "And you're doing well."

Kate nodded. "Thanks."

"Now, I expect a full run down at a later date," she grinned. "But, I think I should send you home."

"Don't tell me Esposito or Ryan sent you an S.O.S," Kate groaned.

Lanie let out a surprised laugh. "Are you kidding? They had a blast."

Kate was glad to hear it, but was more interested in latching onto the fact that Lanie was texting with one or both of them; Ryan wasn't a lock, but Esposito sure was. "Been texting Espo, have you?" she asked innocently.

"Shut up and get your skinny, engaged butt back to your boy so you can knock them down a peg. Apparently, they're having too good a time playing poker, and Ryan's losing money fast."

"He would be," Kate laughed. "But fine. I'll go. See you tomorrow?"

"Definitely," Lanie smiled, standing and pulling Kate to her feet. Then, in a move that startled the detective, Kate found herself pulled into a hug. "I'm so happy for you," Lanie said quietly.

"Thank you," Kate replied as they pulled apart, both smiling with suspiciously shiny eyes.

"Now, home with you."

Kate nodded and left her friend in the hall. She squared her things away, laughing as Hall and Gray tried to convince Jacobs to ditch the wife to go out drinking with them; they were never successful, and Kate knew all three would return home to their wives, and happily so. She bid them goodnight and then left the pen, walking to the elevator with an easy gate, relaxed.

The city was relatively quiet for a Tuesday night, and Kate was happy to zip through traffic to get to the parking lot at the loft. She hadn't done anything but paperwork during the day—that and enduring the fawning from everyone who caught sight of the ring. Montgomery had even congratulated her, and told her that it was about time. She'd never actually asked Rick what he said to his buddies during those poker nights. Perhaps she should start, since it sounded like Montgomery might actually know more about their relationship on Rick's end than on hers.

She got out of her car and made her way into the building, nodding to the guard in the garage before she hopped into the elevator. She unlocked the door to the loft a minute later and shuffled inside, listening for sounds of her family, and the boys; she supposed they were sort of one in the same. She hung up her jacket and slipped out of her shoes before padding into the living room.

The silence was explained as she caught sight of the four of them, sitting at the poker table. Alexis, dressed in a pair of summer pajamas with a wet braid, was sitting on a stack of three telephone books so she could see over the table. Kate was surprised to see that the girl had a pile of chips in front of her that rivaled Ryan's across the table. Both guys were glaring at Rick, who looked like he was taking his good, sweet time deciding on a bet as he lounged in the armchair they'd finagled up to the table and raised somehow. That was a feat of maneuvering she didn't really want to figure out.

Kate snuck past into the office, laughing silently at the fact that they were too focused to notice her. She stowed her badge and gun in the safe and took a moment to stretch and breathe in the smell of home, before she walked back out into the living room.

"Daddy," Alexis let out, exasperated. "Stop dallying. Bet or go home."

The boys roared and Kate laughed at Rick's surprised look. She padded over and came to stand behind Alexis, bending down to get a good look at her cards. "Good hand, munchkin," she whispered.

Alexis whipped around, bringing her cards down into her lap so no one could see them. "Thanks!" she said happily as Kate kissed her cheek. "I'm kicking butt."

"Looks like it," Kate laughed. "You taught her to play poker?" she asked the group.

They all regarded her warily, unable to tell whether or not she was upset or amused. Ryan and Esposito were wearing jeans and their respective college shirts while Rick wore a pair of sweats and a white tee shirt. It was an odd yet endearing picture and Kate couldn't find any reason to ruin it by being the wet blanket.

"She's a minor," she offered with a laugh. "But, I don't think we have to worry just yet, and you need some real competition anyway."

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is, Beckett?" Esposito grinned. "Or should I say Castle?" he added, throwing a significant look at her ring.

"Beckett will do just fine," Kate scowled at him. "Whether or not I change my name, I will be Beckett to you."

"Oh, come on," Rick interjected. "Detective Castle has a certain ring."

"For you," she scoffed. "I have a feeling that interrogating people when all they want to know is whether or not I really am your wife, might be less fun than you'd think."

"Or…" Rick paused, glancing at the guys, who were staring at him, eyebrows raised, eagerly awaiting his comeback. "Or they'll be so impressed that you are Mrs. Castle that they'll give you all the information?"

The three cops snorted collectively and Alexis giggled. "That's not a good theory, Daddy," she offered. "Now place your bet before Mommy makes me go to sleep."

"Your kid is her own parent, Castle," Ryan muttered as Rick threw two black chips into the pool.

"What are you playing for?" Kate asked, leaning against the side of Alexis' chair. "And yes, this is the last hand, little miss."

"Gummy bears and candy for me," Alexis replied. "I think they're playing for money though."

"Wouldn't be fair to make her pony up, you see," Esposito added. "All right gang, cards down."

Kate watched as all four placed their cards on the table. Ryan had two pair, but everyone got one, so he was out. Esposito managed three and two, but Alexis had a flush.

"Well done, kid," she grinned, ruffling her hair. "Beat their pants off."

Alexis smiled and then stuck her tongue out at the guys as they sighed and leaned back in their chairs. "I've won three games," Alexis told her.

Kate glanced over at Rick, who had only beaten Alexis by a card, turning her flush into his royal flush. He winked at her. Apparently, Alexis hadn't won every round, but, good father that he was, he'd let her. "Looks like this time your Dad wins though," Kate said.

"Sorry, pumpkin," he laughed as Alexis pouted. "But you did good, and hey, how 'bout I take you out for lunch with my winnings once I'm better?"

Alexis nodded enthusiastically and Kate caught both Esposito and Ryan watching her with affection. Oh, her boys, all three of them, were so whipped.

"When is that, exactly?" Ryan asked as they cleaned up and tossed Rick what looked like a good 50 dollars.

"When's what?" Rick asked, counting the money slowly while Esposito groaned.

"When are you allowed out?"

"Oh," Rick sighed. "I'm on bed rest for at least another week and then I guess we'll see."

"Once the stitches come out and he can get up and sit down on his own, we can think about going out for short escapes," Kate continued. "For now though, he's kind of stuck here."

"There are worse places to be stuck," Ryan offered, glancing around the living room. "I'd kill to have this as my sick pad."

"The live-in nurse and effervescent child don't hurt either," Rick murmured as Kate tapped Alexis on the head and laughed as she clambered down from the chair with a sigh.

That was too easy. "Well, your nurse maid is going to take your effervescent child upstairs. Maybe you boys can clean up?" She glanced at Rick and found him watching her, stuck between amusement and foreboding. She'd take amusement. She was far too relaxed and unruffled to care about his teasing tonight. He looked healthy, laughing and goading with the boys. She wouldn't ruin that.

"I thought you were going to clean up," Esposito challenged, shooting her a look similar to the one he used on the shooting range when he thought he could beat her.

"Fine," Kate conceded, unable to back down from that type of challenge. "Alexis can give me all your tells while we're getting ready for bed."

"You better not," Ryan said immediately, staring at the little girl who was leaning into Kate's side.

"Or what?" Alexis fired back through a yawn.

"Or…" Ryan glanced at Esposito.

"Tread lightly, boys," Rick grinned while the two had a silent exchange—one of the benefits of being partners. "She's still your boss."

Kate watched, amused, as they tried to come up with a suitable threat that wouldn't get them in trouble. It was an odd feeling, being boss, mom and fiancé all rolled into one. Apparently, she was intimidating; it felt good, and Kate wasn't sure if she was comfortable with that.

"Or we'll tell Castle all your hiding spots for laser tag."

Alexis gasped and Kate simply shook her head. "They don't know them, Lex," she said with confidence. The boys glared at her.

"We're going to be detectives too," Ryan whined. "Don't think you have the market cornered on observation."

"I don't," Kate shrugged. "But even I can't figure out all of her spots, so I doubt you can."

"Are you saying you're better than us?" Esposito asked, narrowing his eyes. "Getting a little big for your breeches?"

"Just calling it as I see it," Kate grinned. "Now, I'm going to go upstairs with this one," she wrapped her arm around Alexis, "and you boys are going to get ready to have your butts kicked."

With that, she turned and guided Alexis up the stairs, hearing a series of hushed whispers, a few that sounded suspiciously like, "tease," floating up with them.

"Did you have a good day, Mommy?" Alexis asked as they entered her room. Kate was struck by a small pang at 'Mommy,' which made her want to slap herself. 'Momma,' and 'Mommy,' were the same, and she knew that Alexis would revert when Meredith came back in a month. And hell, she'd probably start calling both of them 'Mom' in a year or two anyway. The thought made her inexplicably sad.

"Mommy?" Alexis prompted as she hovered at the door to the bathroom.

"Sorry, Lex," Kate chuckled, walking over to sit on the girl's bed. "It was good. They guys were happy to have me back."

Alexis smiled. "I'm glad."

"Did you have a good day with the boys and your Dad?"

Alexis nodded enthusiastically. "We played laser tag and then Kevin made lunch; he makes really good pasta. And Esposito and Daddy played Halo while Kevin and I played Monopoly, and then we switched and Javi had a duel with me. It was fun, but we missed you," she finished as Kate's eyebrows nearly reached her hairline.

Her boys had done what? "You dueled with Esposito?" she asked, unable to stop herself as she was assaulted with the mental picture of her tough friend running around the loft with a twig, shouting Harry Potter spells. She hadn't been aware that he'd even read the books.

Alexis giggled. "Yep. He doesn't know as many spells as you do, though," she smiled. That was true. Kate knew all of the spells just as well, if not better than Alexis. And she was only a year older than Esposito; at least she had an excuse. She could always just blame Alexis for her obsession with Harry Potter; Rick certainly used his daughter as an excuse for enough things.

"Well, I'll have to square off with him sometime, then," she said, watching as Alexis' eyes lit up at the idea. "And you can be the judge."

"Awesome!" the girl squealed.

Kate laughed. "All right, now, with the promise of that, it's time to brush teeth."

Alexis rolled her eyes but trotted into the bathroom all the same. Kate was glad that she wasn't as petulant now, but she had a feeling that her newfound sass wouldn't disappear. She was sure that there would be times when that would come back to bite them, but she couldn't help but find it cute. Alexis was such a smart kid, and watching her turn that into her own little brand of sarcasm and wit was fun and made Kate proud somehow. God, she really was a Mom.

She turned down the bed for the girl and flopped backward to stare at the ceiling for a moment, taking in the quiet of the room and the soft twinkle from the lights above her daughter's pillows.

A few thoughtless minutes later, Alexis climbed up and sank down beside her, snuggling into her until Kate lifted an arm so Alexis could cuddle into her side. The girl smiled and took Kate's left hand, lifting it up so they could look at the ring together.

"Do you like it?" Alexis asked quietly.

"Very much," Kate said softly. "It's pretty, don't you think?"

Alexis nodded into her shoulder. "I thought so when Daddy picked it out."

"You went with him?" Kate asked, surprised.

Alexis smiled. "He wanted my opinion after I said he could marry you."

The idea that she'd had Alexis' seal of approval all the way back in December was oddly staggering and made Kate blow out a slow breath. "Well, thank you, honey. I love it."

"I'm glad," Alexis sighed. "I'm really happy that you're marrying Daddy," she whispered.

"Me too, munchkin," Kate murmured back. "But I think we need to get you right side up in this bed before you fall asleep on me."

"But I'm comfy," Alexis protested, wiggling closer.

Kate smiled and gently shifted them until Alexis was sprawled out at the head of the bed. She gingerly climbed off and then tucked the girl in, savoring the experience. Alexis had always been affectionate, and she knew that her penchant for cuddles wouldn't change, but she was growing up, and her new need for closeness after the accident would eventually disappear.

"Night, honey," Kate whispered, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Night, Momma," Alexis sighed, sinking into the bed and pulling Hamilton close to her chest.

Kate smiled and stared down at the girl for a minute before she switched off the light and made her way out of the room. She was still 'Momma.' She smiled as she walked down stairs. But as she hit the floor, she schooled her features. If she was going to kick some cocky-uniform butt, she needed to be a steely poker player, not a besotted mother. She could smile and sink into their bed later.

"And the mother returns," Esposito grinned as Kate made her way into the living room and took Alexis' vacated seat, gently dropping the phonebooks to the floor. "She asleep?"

"You tired her out," Kate nodded, taking the cards Rick dealt and watching as he threw down the flop, a seven. Kate already had a pair, which was good. She kept her face blank as they went around, exchanging cards and placing their initial bets. She let go of her three, picked up a queen, and threw ten into the pot. She could afford up to about 50 dollars, and damn if she wasn't going to match the guys.

"She had a good day," Rick added as he flipped the turn. She now had two pair—two queens and two sevens. Not too bad, but it could be better.

"I hear there were some spells flying around," Kate offered disarmingly as she threw in 20 more. Esposito faltered as he went to place his bet, glancing at her. He narrowed his eyes for a moment, looked down at his cards, and then tossed a matching bet into the middle of the table.

"So?" he asked easily, though she could see a bit of hesitance there, which only increased when Ryan laughed and tossed his own bet into the pool.

"Nothing," she shrugged as Rick carelessly went in, his cards flat on the table. She didn't expect to beat him, and they wouldn't be betting against each other tonight; this was the time to beat the boys. She could whip his ass when he was playing against the Mayor. That would be far more satisfying. Right now, they were both too tired to hide from each other, and the stakes were too low to matter.

"He did pretty well," Rick said, flipping the river. "Going all in?"

Kate glanced around the table. She had two pair, and no one looked that cocky. Ryan usually had a tick above his eyebrow when he was confident, and Esposito generally bit his lip. Neither had a tell; in fact, they both looked exhausted, yet determined to win.

"All in," she said confidently. Everyone followed suit. At least it was a low bet.

Slowly, they turned their cards over. She beat Ryan by rank, her queens to his jacks. Esposito only had one pair. Rick kicked her ass, coming out with two kings. Damn.

"Hah!" he grinned, dragging the pile toward himself as the boys groaned.

"Damn, Beckett. It would have been better if you'd won," Esposito whined. Ryan nodded his agreement as they both shelled out crumpled wads of cash.

"Sorry fellas," she laughed, extending a hand. "Pony up, Rick. What's yours is mine."

"Hey," he jerked the money away from her hand. "That's not how it works."

"Oh no?" she asked quietly. "So that equality doesn't extend to the poker table?"

"Hell no," he laughed as she tried to lean across the table to grab the cash from him. "I beat your ass."

"You know, that money's just going to go in our joint account," she simpered, getting up out of her chair to stalk toward him, feeling oddly playful and carefree in the presence of a happy home. Her emotions were all over the place—happy one moment, panicked and frantic the next. But in this moment, all she wanted to focus on was getting that cash from her fiancé.

"Kate," he warned as she leaned over the chair. "I won, fair and square."

"She's gonna get it from you, man," Esposito laughed. "Even if you could tackle her, you know she'd whoop you."

"You don't know that," Rick evaded, switching the cash to his other hand as she leaned over his chair, bringing their faces close together to distract him. She blew on his lips and watched as he smirked. "Good try," he countered, turning to look at the guys. "She's sneaky."

"I've never seen this side of you, Beckett," Ryan grinned at them. "It's very…playful."

Kate looked over at the boys. She'd almost forgotten they were there; or, rather, she'd almost forgotten that they were her subordinates. At the moment, they were just the guys who had played with her daughter and kept her fiancé entertained while she'd been out working. They didn't seem like her trusty uniforms, Esposito and Ryan just now. But regardless of their situation, they were her subordinates, and she'd just tried to seduce her fiancé into giving her money.

"You got a point, Ryan?" she asked, deciding to play it cool. She was at home, and they were her friends, and for a moment, she just wanted to be 24, in love, and feeling a little silly. And hell, Esposito had chased Alexis around with a twig. She could get away with acting her age. She turned back to Rick and found him watching her, his eyes sparkling and mouth twisted into an affectionate smile.

"How 'bout I take you out for dinner too, and we call it even?" he suggested. "I do owe you an engagement dinner, and why not do it on their dime?"

Kate smiled back, unable to stop herself. "That sounds great. Thanks, guys," she laughed, watching as they scowled. "How thoughtful of you."

"That's unfair," Esposito decided as Ryan nodded.

Kate shrugged and leaned forward to give Rick a quick kiss. The guys whistled and she shook her head as she stood up, squeezing the hand Rick had grabbed in an attempt to pull her back.

"We have company," she denied, laughing as he pouted and the boys grumbled.

"Gross, Castle," Esposito mumbled, standing and cracking his back. "We should head out. I don't want to see anymore, do you, Ryan?"

"No way," Ryan grinned. "Plus, we've got work in the morning."

"Thank you, guys," Rick said earnestly as they tucked the chairs into the table. "You really cheered Alexis up."

"No problem," Ryan said, bumping fists with Esposito. "It was our pleasure."

"We on for Saturday night?" Esposito asked.

"Definitely," Rick laughed.

"Great. Have a nice night, you two," Esposito said as he and Ryan trooped out of the living room. "See you tomorrow, Beckett."

"Night guys. Thank you," she smiled as they slipped into their shoes and opened the door.

"See ya," Ryan added, following his partner out. Kate heard them laughing and closed the door, sliding the chain and locking up before she turned and made her way back to Rick.

He watched as she walked over, his eyes raking up and down her figure. She couldn't tell if he was checking her out, or assessing her, though it hardly mattered. Kate reached his side and leaned down so that they were face to face.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey yourself," she smiled, leaning in to kiss him. His hands came to cradle her face and he held them together, his lips soft over hers in the stillness of the living room.

"You look happy," he breathed when they finally broke apart.

Kate just smiled. "You look healthy," she said, kissing his nose. She felt an overwhelming urge to be affectionate, and wanted nothing more than to curl into him—to sit on his lap in that chair and stay that way for hours. But they couldn't do that just yet, so she'd have to settle for his fingers on her cheek and his eyes staring into hers.

"I feel better," he admitted. "But we missed you today."

Kate let out a slow breath. "I missed you guys too. But it looks like you had fun."

"They're great guys," Rick nodded, tucking a tendril of hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear. "And Alexis was happy for the whole day, which was great."

Kate smiled. "She seemed good when I put her to bed. You know, she told me you asked for her permission to marry me back in December?"

He fixed her with a soft expression, his lips pulled into a small smile. "You surprised?"

Kate bit her lip. "Not really. I just…you really knew back then?"

"Didn't you?" he asked, running his thumb across her cheekbone.

Kate stared at him. She'd known he was probably her one and done long before last December, but had she been sure about it? Then again, hadn't she been sure about him even before they'd been dating? They'd always sort of been headed to this place—living together and starting a new life. He'd been the only one to help her stand up, while letting her figure it out on her own at the same time.

"I guess I did," she whispered.

"Then stop acting so surprised," he laughed, dragging her in for another kiss. "Did you get a lot of crap for the ring and article?" he asked once they'd pulled apart a second time and she'd found a comfortable position, leaning over him while bracing her hip on the arm of the chair.

"Some," she admitted. "Mostly from Lanie, and only because I hadn't gone to see her yet. We have to invite the team to the wedding, by the way."

"Why?"

"I won't be able to take the whining if we don't," Kate said honestly, laughing with him. "And they're good guys; they deserve the break. I mean, Montgomery will probably be there."

"I know he will," Rick said easily.

"That's right," Kate said, remembering her question now. "What do you say about me at these poker games? Because it seems like Montgomery always knows way more than I tell him about us."

Rick just smiled. "Is it a crime to say how amazing my girl is?"

That little endearment never got old, and Kate was constantly surprised by how much she enjoyed the term. She'd never wanted to belong to anyone before Rick, but the man made the phrase so very lovely with the way his eye sparkled when he said it. "I guess not," she shrugged.

He chuckled and then yawned. "So that's all."

Kate shook her head lightly and then stood up, gently turning his chair around on the swivel base that they'd hoisted up on top of a surprisingly sturdy platform of books and a plank of wood. Where on earth had they gotten that? "Bed time, I think."

"But it's early," Rick grumbled, taking her hands and helping her pull him into a sitting position before they slid him to the floor so he could stand. He swayed and she steadied him, rubbing circles against his elbows with her thumbs while he winced and took a few measured breaths.

"You okay?" she asked quietly when he'd opened his eyes, now full of subdued pain, in place of the playful sparkle from only a minute earlier.

"Feeling better," he smiled slowly. "Gimme a week and I'll be right as rain."

"Sure," Kate laughed as they started moving back toward the bedroom. "And when you're all better, we can start planning the wedding." Rick sighed. "What?" she asked, suddenly wary. It wasn't good if the man who had already been married once was sighing. She'd been hoping Gray and Jacobs were just exaggerating.

"Nothing," he offered. "The planning's tedious, but it'll be worth it." She'd have to ask him more about that soon.

Kate kissed him softly before guiding them back into the bathroom. He was steadier on his feet today and the movement hadn't made him ashen yet. She smiled as she watched him move around her in the small space, able to take those few steps on his own.

"What?" he asked, catching her gaze in the mirror.

"Nothing," Kate said, reaching around him for her own toothbrush. "I like seeing you walking, that's all."

His smile became very soft and he turned her to pull her gingerly into his chest, looking down into her eyes. "Before long, I'll be doing more than just walking," he whispered.

"Is that supposed to be dirty?" she laughed. They kept smiling at each other, smitten, their expressions far from lustful.

"It will be, but I'll also be able to pick you up and hug you and everything else," he whispered, catching her into another kiss.

She hadn't realized how spoiled she'd become in the four days they'd spent at home together. Having unlimited access to his kisses had been a treat, and now it felt like they were making up for lost time.

"Just think of how tired we'll be when we're able to make up for lost time," he mumbled against her mouth, as if he were there inside her head.

Kate giggled and ran her fingers through his hair, her toothbrush clattering into the sink beside them. She'd have to try to get more sleep to prepare for that. Because as he bit down on her lip and fiddled with her ear, she knew they wouldn't be doing much sleeping at all when he was healed, and she might need the full month of sleep to prepare for it.

(…)

A week and a half later, Kate found that instead of rested, she was twice as tired, twice as stressed, and three times as cranky. Her nights were marred by nightmares, her days filled with murders, and every moment in between was suddenly filled with wedding preparations. What flowers did she want? What colors? Can you make it back to the loft for lunch? We need to finalize the menu so they can pre-order.

Kate let her head fall into her hands as she sat at the kitchen island. Alexis was over at Paige's house for the night, and Rick had taken his new-found freedom of movement to go down the block for groceries with the roll-along cart they'd spent 30 minutes arguing over before he'd given in and taken it. All around her, papers were scattered out with different details, from a preliminary seating chart and guest lists to a series of pictures Maddy and Lanie had sent over for gown suggestions, as they'd be sharing Maid-of-Honor duties.

But she wasn't in the mood for decorations or seating charts or dresses and lace. She'd spend the entire day tracking down pedophiles recently out of prison and interviewing those on parole. In between interviews, she'd fielded several calls from the press, to which she'd given yet another series of "No comment," replies. And now she had details to iron out so she could give everything over to Elise. But all she wanted to do was collapse.

Rick was doing better. He could walk and move around on his own, and the stitches had been taken out of his side, but now he was grumpy. He whined and griped about being shut in all the time, even though they both knew his little trip to the store was going to cost him. She hadn't had the heart or the patience to convince him to stay, and instead they'd fought about the cart, and how he really couldn't be carrying things yet.

She wanted to scream, or punch something, and she banged her hand against the counter, wincing at the feeling of using too much force. Her necklace shifted around her neck as she went to rub her hand and Kate sighed. She hadn't mentioned it, but on top of everything, it was her parents' wedding anniversary, and she'd woken up with a dark cloud. She'd spoken to her father in the middle of the day, and he'd promised that he was going out with his sponsor and some friends, and was doing all right, all things considered.

Kate wished she could say the same. The wedding details and invitations and lists were mocking her, whispering about how her mother wouldn't be there—how her mother would see her in her dress, or be there to give her away, or help her put on her veil, or give her something old, new, borrowed or blue. The ring on her finger usually glinted happily in the light, but tonight, in the quiet loft, it just seemed sad, like a shimmer that shouldn't exist.

She'd been so swept up in the novelty of it all, and the giddy, elated feeling she got every time Rick so much as mentioned the word, 'wife,' that she'd forgotten about the other side—the side that missed her mother and knew that at some point, the fact that she wouldn't be there would crush her whole.

It seemed like that moment had come, as tears began to trail down her cheeks. But she had details to iron out, and Rick was still pissy about having to take the cart, and this just wasn't the time.

She sat there, biting her lip and filling out charts for twenty minutes, staunchly refusing to break down. So her mother wouldn't be there. Her mother hadn't been there for her graduation. Her mother hadn't been there for her first case as an officer or detective. Her mother hadn't been there for Will, or for her confusion with Rick. And so her mother wouldn't be there for her wedding; that wasn't new. She wouldn't be there for the ceremony, or the reception. She wouldn't be there when Kate got pregnant. She wouldn't be there when she had Braxton hicks, or morning sickness, or cravings. And she wouldn't be there when she gave birth to a beautiful little boy or girl. She wouldn't be there to watch Alexis graduate, or see her other grandchildren reach important birthdays, talking, laughing and growing into little humans and then adults. But Kate had known that for a while.

The tears turned to sobs that she couldn't control, and that was how Rick found her some ten minutes later. She was hunched over the counter, the forms and pictures pushed away as she cried into her hands, a weeping mess that she couldn't control.

"Kate," he said softly, rolling the cart over until it rested by the refrigerator. He hurried to her side and sat down with a small grunt, placing a warm hand on her back. "Honey?"

"I…" she gasped, futilely trying to catch her breath around the torrent of tears and snot and sobs she'd created. "It's…"

She couldn't find the words, but he didn't seem to care. Instead, he stood slowly and pushed his stool away so he could take her hands and guide her up, walking her over to the couch, his hands large and firm over hers. She continued to cry, unable to stop what she'd started, and dazedly recognized the feeling of the leather beneath her body, and then of his arms, tugging her close so that he could shift her legs over his and cradle her body against his left side.

"Kate," he murmured, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "What's wrong?"

Gone were all traces of their earlier fight. He sounded sincere and worried, his voice hoarse as it always was when she was hurting. "It's…" she tried again, taking a gulp of air and blinking away the tears as they finally began to ebb. "Today is, um. It's my parents' anniversary," she whispered into his neck.

"Oh, sweetheart," he sighed, pulling her as close as he could. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I just," she sighed as he began to card his fingers through her hair until he reached her scalp, massaging gently and easing the headache that was coming on from all of the crying. "I didn't…it's been such a hard week," she mumbled. "And I didn't want to add to it, and I thought I'd be okay, but," she gave a hollow laugh. "Obviously not."

He breathed against her forehead and then she felt a warm pressure there as he kissed her repeatedly. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm sorry that you're hurting, and that you felt like you needed to hide this."

Kate shook her head. "I wasn't hiding it. I just didn't even want to acknowledge it, because…" she trailed off, trying to figure out why, of all things, she'd kept this from him. It wasn't because she didn't trust him. It wasn't because she didn't feel like he deserved to know, or because she was worried about his reaction to her reaction.

She reached up with her free hand and fiddled with the ring around her neck, feeling new tears pour down her cheeks. It was because he'd almost died only two weeks ago, and that was raw, and adding her mother to the mix created this—this broken woman on a couch, sobbing into her fiancé's neck. And she wanted to be strong and happy. Obviously, keeping it in didn't do her any more good than letting it out.

"I just wanted to be happy," she whispered. "And I wanted…wanted the wedding to be wonderful and bright, and now all I can think about is how Mom won't be there, and how she won't meet Alexis, or our kids, when we have them, or anything and I…"

"Kate," he whispered, his voice tight. "Honey, look at me," he urged, waiting until she'd found the courage to sit up and meet his gaze. "I love you," he said gently.

"I know," she replied, confused.

"No," he shook his head and gave her a soft smile. "I love you, and if getting married is only going to be painful for you, then we don't have to. We can do it next year, or later, or never; whatever you need."

She gaped at him. That was what he thought she was saying? "You oaf," she managed around her shock. He blinked, and if she weren't too busy crying and pulling herself back together, she would have laughed. "I want to marry you. And I want to marry you on September 25th, like we've been planning. I just…" she bit her lip and tried to figure out how to say it without hurting him. "I think this is going to hurt no matter when we get married. But I want to."

He took a second to stare at her, finding something in her eyes before he pulled her back to him and pressed his lips to hers in a soft kiss. "Okay," he whispered when they pulled apart. He cradled her face with his hands. "Okay, then tell me how I can help."

"I…" she sniffed and gave a small laugh. "I…" She just needed this—the quiet feel of his arms around her, without more details to go through. She didn't want to think about all the things she wanted to do with her mother, and all of the things she would have been better at picking. Right now, Kate just wanted to curl up against him and feel his breath on her forehead while she wound down. "Just…"

"Just what?" he prompted gently.

"Just stay here? With me?" she whispered. She knew he would, and she wanted to punch herself for the meekness in her voice, and the shyness of her tone. She didn't have to be afraid of asking for his help. It's what he was there for; it's what he'd always been there for.

"Anything," he promised, wrapping his arms back around her as she snuggled into his side. "Always, Kate. Anything you need, anything you want."

Kate nodded into his neck and they sat quietly for a few minutes, listening to each other breath, one set of lungs taking in steady streams of air, while the other took erratic, panting breaths that eventually evened out into snuffles.

"You know, when this happens, you can always feel free to shut me up if I'm being an ass," he started quietly, making her laugh a little. "You can tell me to go to hell, or to the kitchen, to get you a glass of wine so you can take a bath. You can yell at me, not because you're right, but because you're hurting and I'm too busy being a jerk to notice."

"Rick," she sighed, wanting to stop him, because it sounded like he was blaming himself, and he shouldn't.

"Just tell me this stuff, Kate," he said, leaning down to brush his lips against the crown of her head. "That's why I'm here, remember? It's part of the best friend agreement."

"Not the fiancé agreement?" she whispered back, touched, and scared of herself, and her walls, and the fact that apparently, she still wasn't sharing with him; and she thought she had been doing a pretty good job up until now.

"Fiancé and husband's all well and good," he said softly. "But the guy you drove to the Hamptons to see is still here, underneath the ruggedly handsome fiancé, and you can still tell me anything, you know?" Kate nodded slowly. Was that what had changed? "I know you've been hiding this stuff from me, Kate," he continued.

"I haven't…" she tried, but he squeezed her shoulder and she shut her mouth, now fully aware that she was lying.

"You've been having panic attacks and nightmares," he said gently. "And I know you were trying to hide, but jeez, Kate. If you don't talk about it, we'll be back to the start, and I hate seeing you like this."

"That's why…" she stopped herself, unwilling to finish the thought. It wasn't his fault, and she knew he didn't mean it that way. "No," she shook her head before he could open his mouth again. "I thought it might just go away, you know? Seeing you walking and smiling and fighting to be stupid with your health—I thought that would help. I just…it's been too much and…"

"And you didn't want to do this," he finished for her. "I know."

"I…" she sighed and just leaned into him. "I'll try." It was the best she could do.

"That's all I'm asking," he murmured against her hair, and she could hear the smile in his voice. "And I'll try not to be an ass. Can we make a calendar for me, so I know when this stuff is coming?"

"A calendar of the things that make me emotionally unstable?" She snorted and leaned into him. "Seriously?"

He laughed. "Why not? If I'd known, Kate, I would have run you a bath and cooked you a meal, not left you at the counter, going over wedding details that we both know make you crazy."

"It's fine," she deflected. She didn't want him to go to the trouble. It was just like any other day, only it wasn't, and it hurt, and she just wanted her mother back. "I just miss her," she admitted softly.

"I know." He cupped the back of her head and she melted into him. "I know. I'm so sorry, baby."

"Baby, honey, sweetheart," she whispered against his shoulder.

"You don't like them?" he asked quietly.

They didn't usually use pet names, or they hadn't before the crash. But ever since, they'd both been guilty of it. And before, it would have bothered her, but now it was calming and comforting, and there was something about the gentle, loving way he said them that had her sinking into his body.

"No, I do," she mumbled.

"Contrary woman," he chuckled.

"Shut up and hug me," she laughed as he did just that. "Thank you," she added some minutes later, when her heartbeat had slowed and breathing didn't cost her effort.

"I love you," he replied simply. "And you're not alone here."

"I know," she promised him. She did, and someday soon, she'd get better at this.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, his voice soft and low, comforting.

"Not now, but soon?" she whispered. She didn't think she could go through memories of her mother tonight. But she wanted to. She wanted to share it all with him, and with Alexis someday. But tonight, she just wanted to listen to his heartbeat and feel his breath against her head as he slowly lulled her to sleep.

"Whenever you want," he said, smiling into her hair.

Belatedly, she remembered why they'd been fighting, and realized that their groceries, a number of which were frozen, were probably melting onto the floor. "The shopping," she mumbled, thoroughly relaxed against his shoulder.

"I'll do more tomorrow," he whispered.

"Wasteful," she managed as her eyelids grew heavy.

"Maybe, but you need to sleep, and hell if I'm moving," he said gently. "Just sleep, honey."

"Okay," she mumbled into his shirt. "Love you," she added, her voice heavy with sleep as she stared at the black of her eyelids. She may not be great at sharing, but she trusted him enough to fall asleep on him, curled up after crying into his shoulder.

"Love you too," he said, shifting a bit until he was thoroughly comfortable. "And someday, Kate, we'll get this part right."

She shook her head against him. "You're great. I'll get there."

"Hey," he rubbed her shoulder. "It's a team sport, you know? That's what best friends are for."

Sleepily, she fumbled over his chest until she found his hand, and then, in a childish gesture they'd laughed over way back at the beginning of their life together—because they had started a life together at that first dinner—she wound her pinky through his. He laughed and squeezed her finger. "Promise," he said softly, his voice ringing out over the room as sleep took her under.

---

Author's Note: Hey gang! Sorry about the wait for the last two chapters. Midterms and fall break really cut into the writing cycle. This chapter was a fun one to write, and I hope the span of emotion and some time worked well. A few of you mentioned Kate's reluctance to show Rick how hard everything had been. I've been planning a breakdown (a real one) for a while for her with him around, and I hope this explained some of that.

Thank you, as ever, for your amazing support of both this story and my original work. Your messages, reviews, tweets, tumbls and alerts make my day, and have made this tough week so much better.

Emma