Chapter Thirty Six- Do You Know What You've Done?

A/N: I'm a bad author, I know. I left you guys with the worst cliffhanger but I had stuff (yeah, the same old excuse but still) and school's been even tougher this year since I've got to go to two of them. But I've found time to write so that's good. Hope that any of you who are going to school are having a good time! (Even if you are dying a slow death in Spanish and Science like I am)

Disclaimer: I don't own "The Outsiders" because S.E. Hinton owns it and she has full rights to it and it's her masterpiece and I should not claim to own any part of it whatsoever. But the characters not originally from "The Outsiders," I own them.

She's attempted suicide.

Cameron's POV

I was silent. Dead silent. I couldn't even hear my own heartbeat. The world just seemed to shut down around me. I was lost in some other dimension. Time just… stopped.

"Cam, are you still there?" Mr. Curtis said. I'd forgotten I was still on the phone.

"Oh… uh… Yeah. Sorry."

"It's okay."

"Where's Kendi now?" I said, hoping he wouldn't say the morgue.

"She's at the hospital right now. Resting."

"So she's going to be fine?" Mr. Curtis didn't say anything for a moment.

"We don't know, Cam. She lost a lot of blood. The doctor said she might not…" He didn't' finish. It sounded like his voice was cracking up, like he was fighting tears. It must be tough to lose your only daughter.

"Are you guys at the hospital I was in last month?"

"Yes, but you don't need to come, Cam. I can tell you're upset. You don't have to-,"

"It's no problem. I'm coming."

"Are your brothers there?"

"No."

"Well, I'll come and give you a ride if you really want to. But it's not necessary, Cam."

"Don't worry. I don't need a ride." I'd hate to tear Mr. Curtis away from his daughter's side. "I'll get there by myself."

"It's mighty far away. You sure? It's no problem for me to come and pick you up."

"It's okay. I'll find my own way."

"All right, then. Some of your other friends said they'd come too." Then Mr. Curtis hung up. And I tried to think of ways to get to the hospital. It was too far to ride my bike. I thought about asking Jim for a ride but then I remembered that he was at work. Rodney and Dan are too busy to take me anywhere at the moment. All that left was the city bus. I decided that was my only option and I started scrounging in my room for bus fare. I got desperate enough to look through the cushions of our couch. When I managed to find the money, I ran straight for the door.

On the bus, I thought about Kendi. How could she do this to us? It was only about an hour earlier that we were on the phone together, maybe even less. Then… would that make me the last person to have talked to her? I tried to remember what we'd said. We'd just made up after out fight. We laughed. We were just getting back to our normal selves. I even promised to be there for her if she needed help. I almost said, "I love you," to her.

I almost said that I loved her. What would've happened if I'd actually said it? What if I'd gotten the guts to say what I'd wanted to say? Would it have mattered? Would she still…? I guess I'll never know. I'd continue to wonder for the rest of my life.

Then another thought hit me: What if she didn't try to kill herself after all? What if it was a mistake? An accident? What if she did cut herself but went deeper than she'd meant to? That's right, it's just a mistake. Kendi wasn't trying to kill herself, just the pain. It was an accident. Kendi wasn't trying to leave at all. It was just a big misunderstanding. She'll tell us that when she gets better. I rode the rest of the bus ride believing that Kendi hadn't attempted suicide.

That is, until I got to the hospital.

That's where I found everyone else with looks of mourning on his or her face. Rawley was leaning on the wall near the door while holding Roxie as she sobbed into his shirt. Then I saw Saban sitting on the floor with Maya cradled in his arms. Maya looked like she didn't know whether to cry or scream, but Saban seemed prepared for when she did decide. Zonks and Jarod seemed to be just hanging by the side watching everything fall apart.

"Hey, Rawley," I said. Rawley looked up from his crying girlfriend.

"Hey, man. You here to see Kendi?" he said.

"Yeah." Who else would I be here for?

"Well she's in this room." He indicated the door nearby. Her parents are in there right now. They're pretty beat up about this."

"Oh," I said. I wasn't eager to see Mr. And Mrs. Curtis all broken up about their daughter. I felt like if I looked into their expressions, it would mirror what I felt at the moment. I don't know if I can deal with that right now.

"You going to be okay, Cam? You don't look so good."

"I'll be fine. You think it'd be okay if…" I thought about the idea of coming into Kendi's hospital room a little more deeply. I couldn't just barge in on Mr. Curtis and his wife on the worst day of their lives. It just wouldn't be right. "Never mind."

"You can go in if you want. They're not going to throw you out."

"I don't think that's such a good idea." Just then, the door opened and Mr. Curtis stepped out.

"Oh, hello, Cam," he said.

"Hi, Mr. Curtis. Is Kendi going o be…" I realized I had already asked this question over the phone. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"So far, she's all right. I'm glad you came, though. I think you deserve to see this." Mr. Curtis dug into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. "Kendi wrote it." I took the piece of paper and unfolded it. Inside it read:

I scream for a way out
No one hears
I try to run away
From my worst fears
And with these eyes
I do not cry
But with this blade
I hope to die
After all these painful years
I am free
Love me, hate me
But please forget me
I can't come back.

Signed,
Kendi Curtis

P.S. Cam, I know what you wanted to say on the phone. I hope you find another girl to say it to.

As I read the last few lines, it felt like Jed had somehow shown and given me a hard punch in the gut. The contents of my stomach wouldn't keep still.

She really did try to kill herself. It wasn't an accident. It wasn't a mistake. She meant this all along. What other girl did you mean, Kendi? There's no one else.

'Cam, are you okay?" Mr. Curtis said breaking into my thoughts. I tried to open my mouth but I couldn't.

"He'll be okay, Mr. C," Rawley said for me. I handed back the letter still not believing what was written on it.

"It's all right, Cameron," Mr. Curtis said. "It'll all work out." The he walked back to the room. And I was left to wonder what went wrong.

"Roxie was still crying on Rawley's shoulder so I thought it was best to leave them alone. I went to where Saban and Maya were and sat down across from them.

"You guys going to be okay?" I asked.

"I think so," Saban said.

"I'm not," Maya uttered.

"You mad?" I said.

"No, I just… I don't know. Kendi and I have been friends for a long time. I just can't believe she did this. Maybe I should've done something or just…" Maya continued to beat herself up. Saban looked saddened by what she was saying.

"Hey, you wanna know something?" I told her.

"What?"

"This ain't your fault. You did all you could, Maya. You let her know that no matter what, she's still got a friend. Whatever went through Kendi's mind to do this has nothing to do with you."

"Yeah, Maya, Don't be too harsh on yourself," Saban added.

"Aw, thanks guys," she said, a few tears streaming down her face. Saban hugged her closer. I decided to leave them alone. When I got up, Saban called to me.

"Hey, Cam, don't you beat yourself up too. This ain't your fault either." I left without responding.

Zonks and Jarod were still at the farthest corner not doing anything in particular. I joined them. I needed some way to clear my mind.

"Hey," I said not able to think of anything else to say.

"Hey," they both said. About the only thing they said, really. It was quiet in the hall unless you count Maya and Roxie crying.

"You all right, Cam?" Zonks said.

"Yeah, I'm fine." How bad did I look? Everyone had been asking me that same question.

"Good," Jarod said, " 'Cause no one should be upset over what she did. This is her fault. None of this would've happened if it wasn't for her." His voice expressed no sympathy whatsoever. "She's going to hell for this." I never thought of Jarod being religious. Then again, none of us ever thought about, and if we did, we never mentioned it. It just never came up in our lives.

I wanted to say something back at Jarod. I just wanted to tell him to be quiet and respect that one of our friends was and that people were mourning. But when I opened my mouth, my throat turned to stone. All that came out was, "Shut your trap, Jarod." I tried to say more but it took too much effort. Jarod didn't say anything.

"Cam, maybe you should sit down a bit. You look sick," Zonks suggested. I felt sick too. There was some mental pain in my head that I knew an aspirin couldn't numb.

I leaned against the wall a few feet away from Jarod and Zonks. I wished Jarod never said anything. His words triggered this one memory of Dad that I would've preferred to have forgotten.

Flashback

CRASH! I didn't expect to hit the floor that hard. Maybe I'd underestimated how much alcohol he'd had this time. I don't know. I'd been making friends with the hardwood floor lately. Dad's temper was getting worse and I never thought of getting out of the way until it was too late.

"You're a disgrace!" he yelled. If my head weren't hurting so much, I'd probably say something back. I've dealt with his temper ever since I was eight. It's something I should be used to by now.

"Dad, quit it!" I heard Dan yell. "Can't you see? He's had enough. Leave him alone!" Dad hit him across the face. Dan was stronger than me so instead of falling to the ground, he just stumbled to the side a little.

"You shut up! My wife would still be alive if it wasn't for him. It's all hi fault!" He kept shouting at me while I was still on the ground. "This is all your fault, boy! None of this would've happened if it wasn't for you!" Rodney decided to step in.

"Dad, why do you keep doing this? Can't you let it go? Or at least move on instead of taking it out on Cam? It's not his fault! None of this is."

Dad slurred his words at Rod. There were a few cusses there too. I tried to get up again. Dad had already knocked me down a few times and it was getting harder to come back up. When I finally got to my feet, Dad's cold, hard eyes stared at me.

"Her death is your fault. You're going to hell for this."

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" a voice said. It took me a moment to realize it was Dan. The look of fury was evident on his face. "NO ONE TELLS MY BROTHER THAT! NO ONE!" Dan took another hit from Dad and he knocked into a wall. I'd had enough of this. Without thinking, I shoved Dad to the ground, just like he shoved me.

"Cam, hold it!" Rod said. He held me back by my arms. He didn't have to. I was too wiped to do anything else. "Cam, are you okay?" Truth was, I was aching everywhere.

Rod let go of me when he saw that Dad was getting up. Rod stood in front of me like a shield. He and Dad argued some more. Then Dad tried to take a swing at Rod and Rod dodged it while I backed away. Dad took another swing and this time, Rod couldn't avoid the blow. He hit the wall.

"Dad, stop!" I said. That's when he knocked me down again. This time, I stayed on the ground. I could hear Rod and Dan yelling at Dad above me. I heard Dan coaxing me to get up. I refused. Rod assured me that it would be okay, but I still wouldn't stand up. It was too much. I closed my eyes to block out my confusion.

I don't remember opening them up again.

End Flashback

I was only twelve at that time. It still haunts me. It was the first time I didn't get back up again. I gave up. And now, Kendi's giving up too.

"Hey, Cam, are you going to be all right?" I didn't notice that Zonks was right beside me.

"Yeah, I guess."

"You're not blaming yourself for this, are you?" I didn't answer. Zonks came up with his own conclusion. "Why do you think it's your fault?"

"I think I was the last one to talk to her," I said.

"So?"

"She didn't seem sad on the phone. She didn't sound as if she knew something was wrong. We talked. I didn't know…" My throat hardened.

"You couldn't have known. She wasn't going to blatantly say, 'I'm gonna kill myself today.'"

"The worst part was that she said goodbye."

"Most people say goodbye when they end a phone conversation."

"Yeah, but I didn't think she meant goodbye forever."

"Oh." Zonks stayed silent and I was thankful for that. It was getting painful to talk. I didn't want to break down. I remembered Mr. Curtis's face. He was hurt. Mrs. Curtis couldn't have been any better. I looked over at Maya and Roxie. There are already enough tears. We didn't need another set of crying eyes.

I took a few deep breaths. Anything to calm myself down. Then I saw Dan coming towards my direction. And that's when I realized that I never let him know that I was here.

Dan's POV

I decided to come home early so Cam wouldn't be alone. Old habits die hard, I guess. As soon as I got home, I knew something was up. The front door was cracked open as if someone was in a hurry and forgot to close the door. I figured that it was just Cam being Cam again.

"Hey, Cam! I cam home early! You wanna go to the movies or something?" I figured that since it was Friday, I'd bring Cam somewhere. He'd been a little out of it lately. I thought he could use a break. There was no answer. "Cam?" Still none.

I looked around. There was no note or anything. Maybe he'd gone with Rodney at his job. I went to the phone and dialed Rod's cell number.

"Hello, Daniel," he answered jokingly. He probably saw the caller ID on his phone.

"Hey, Rod. Is Cameron with you?"

"No, why?"

"He's not here at the hose. Did he tell you he was going somewhere?"

"No."

"Oh shit." Various scenarios played in my paranoid mind. Cam had been kidnapped by serial killers. Cam was shot coming home from school. Cam was abducted by aliens. All kinds of things ran through my mind.

"You know, Cam might just be over at Rawley's house," Rod said. My nerves calmed down. Why didn't I think of this before?

"Oh yeah. I guess I'll go call Rawley's house and find out." I hung up with Rod and then dialed the Creeks' phone number.

"Hello?" I heard Aunt CeeCee's voice say.

"Hi, Aunt CeeCee. It's Dan."

"Talon?"

"Yes. Is Cam over there with Rawley?"

"Actually, Rawley's not even here. He said something about going to the hospital. Maybe Cam's there as well."

At that I calmed down a little more. But only a little. What would he be doing at the hospital?

"Do you know why he went?" I asked.

"I don't know. He just got a phone call from his girlfriend and then he said he had to leave. He didn't tell me why, just that he was going to the hospital." Strange.

"Thanks, Aunt CeeCee," I said. I said goodbye and then I grabbed my car keys and left.

On the way to the hospital, a million other things went through my head. I thought about what I was going to do when I found Cam. Would I scold him or be thankful he's alive? What if he isn't at the hospital? No, I can't think that. But what would he be doing at the hospital in the first place? I didn't want to think of the many possibilities.

When I got to the hospital, I somehow found my way to the hall where Cam and his friends were. Cam was with Zonks at one side. His head was directed towards the ground and his eyes were too, but his mind seemed to have been on something else. Well, he was safe as far as I could see. But I didn't show that I was happy he was.

"Cam, where the hell were you? I come home and the door was open and you weren't there! I almost thought something happened to you! You could've left a note, Cam. You could've let me know instead of leaving me to try and figure out for myself!" Cam had been standing up as I was yelling at him but then he slid down, his expression letting me know he wasn't really listening.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly without looking at me. Zonks glanced at me.

"Hey, Dan. Can I talk to you for a sec?" he said. Before I could answer, he led me to the other side of the hall away from Cam. "Go easy on Cam, okay? He's not in any shape to yelled at."

"What happened?"

"Kendi attempted suicide. I think Cam is blaming himself for it." Oh. That must've been why he looked so down. God, how could I have yelled at him when he was having such a bad day?

"Oh," was all I managed to say.

"Yeah. And we still don't know why this happened," Zonks said. He walked away. I just stood there until I decided to join Cam. I could at least try to find out if he was okay.

"He, Cameron. Are you all right?" He was still staring blankly into space. He shook his head. His arms were folded across his chest. "Look, everything's going to be fine, you'll see." I realized that Cam had already chosen not to listen to me, so I stopped talking and looked around. Roxie and Rawley were huddled close together and Roxie's eyes were bloodshot. She had been crying. Maya was with Saban and tears were still running down her face. It made me sad to look at them. I looked back at Cameron expecting to see the same sorrowful face.

Instead, I saw his face buried in his arms and his body shaking as he struggled to hide his sobs.

Cameron's POV

I can't believe I started crying. Especially all the effort I went through to prevent it. My throat had been in a knot ever since I got to the hospital. But for some reason after Dan arrived, I couldn't swallow it down. Soon it felt like I was choking on a rock. And then a tear fell from my eye. Then another. Then another. Until I was just crying and hiding my face so no one would see. I did a pretty bad job of it. Dan wrapped his arm around me saying, "It's going to be all right, cam," but I could barely hear him. SO I just sat there, crying my head off until I had finally calmed down. That's when I saw that everyone was gathered around me. Roxie and Maya were finished crying and were looking at me sympathetically.

"Hey, Camel, it's okay. You can cry," Roxie said. I wiped away the last of my tears.

"Like you said to me, it's not your fault," Maya said. I knew it wasn't my fault. But still, it hurts knowing someone you care about would do something like that. I guess I don't know what to think of it.

"Hey, why don't we go see Kendi now?" Rawley suggested. The thought of seeing Kendi's almost-lifeless body on the hospital bed didn't appeal to me. But I went with them anyways. It couldn't hurt anymore now.

Kendi's POV

My eyes weren't open but I could hear a faint beep… beep… beep… from the heart rate machine. It seemed to be getting slower. My wrist was throbbing. I barely knew where I was. I could hear my mom whispering, "Why?" And I knew somehow that Dad was praying for me to be safe. I felt so horrible for doing this to them. The throbbing in my wrists didn't help much.

Suddenly, the throbbing stopped. And I started feeling lighter. My back was no longer against the bed. The beep… beep… beep…sound grew slower and fainter.

I finally opened my eyes. And I saw my limp body still unconscious on the hospital bed as I floated higher and higher.

A/N: Sorry it took me so long. I know some people have been telling me to update this a lot. I haven't had the time. So don't be surprised if you don't hear another update from me again for a while. Good news is though that I started writing the next chapter already so it might not take as long. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! R&R.

P.S. I have a tendency to leave cliffhangers, don't I?