Disclaimer: All thing Twilight belong to the awesome Stephenie Meyer . . . I just have the images in my head . . . *giggle*
NO!
APOV
I was still sitting alone in my condo, the filth of two days surrounding me on our king sized bed. Our king sized bed, had I really fallen into such a deep pattern with him that everything here was his as well?
Of course it was; who was I kidding? He was part of me, he owned my heart, and I belonged to him in every sense, and I had invited him to move in with me. I couldn't understand what had happened between then and now. He'd been there all week, he had called me every day, four times a day until the calls stopped suddenly two days ago. What had changed?
I fell back onto the bed; the empty gallon of ice cream stared back at me with contempt. I kicked it off the bed with as much force as I could, but the rolling movements just made me continue until I was face down on the bed crying again.
I was a mess and I knew it. I had called in sick from work for the past two days, and since I had been inundated with calls from Amanda, Bella and Rosalie. I knew they were worried, I knew they cared, but I wanted to suffer in silence.
Just knowing that bitch was there with him made my skin crawl. I trusted him implicitly, it was her I didn't trust. I saw how manipulative she could be, and I had seen how low she would go to get what she wanted.
I just wished my plan was a little further along. Amanda and Shannon had been helping me as much as they could, and their patience and dedication had been invaluable. They had dug deep enough to make a real difference.
I couldn't even think about this now. I missed him too much. I missed his voice, his laugh, and the cool blue of his eyes as he told me he loved me, the deep blue as we made love. I missed the way he wrinkled his nose as he went through the financial section of the paper over breakfast.
It hadn't been so bad in the beginning, it seemed as though he'd called me every time I thought about him, and it took away the anxiety. He would call me on his breaks, and from his hotel. He would call me after dinner, or while he was lying in bed. He'd called me they day the calls had stopped, but it was to say good morning.
Somewhere in the room I heard Katy Perry singing at me, it was Bella again. I wanted more than anything to talk to her, she was my best friend and I knew that she would understand, but in an odd sense I knew I was overreacting. It had been two days.
To most people, two days was absolutely nothing, but this was different. This was two days from Jasper, the person who came to the office most days so he could have lunch with me, he would bring me dinner and sit with me if I needed to work late.
The room went silent again and I pulled Jasper's pillow under my head, burying my face in it's depths, just hoping that I could still smell the remnants of him. Stupid laundry day. I had washed the sheets the day before he stopped calling and now I was forced to walk to the closet to be surrounded by his familiar musk.
"Where are you baby?" I whispered into his Marc Jacob's Jacket. I pulled it around my shoulders, shoving my arms through the holes. I moved around to pick up my phone; still laying disregarded on the top an empty Chinese food carton. I had thrown it there after I got his voice mail . . . again.
I hugged my phone into my chest and fell on the bed, curling up in a ball under the weight of the winter coat. His scent assaulted me, making me feel a tiny bit better. It pushed back the anxiety enough so I could finally breathe.
Hall and Oates, "Man-eater" filled the room, and I sighed again, Rosalie. I had answered the first time she called thinking she'd heard from her brother, but she was calling on Bella's orders, trying to get me to come out for lunch with them, telling me everything I already knew . . . I was overreacting.
When the song stopped playing, I scrolled through my contacts and hit send when I reached the number for Jasper. It rang once before going to voicemail.
"This is Jasper Whitlock, please leave your name and number and I will get back to you as soon as I get it." His voice was so familiar, I could have called a hundred more times just to hear it.
I knew Maria had requested the job, he knew it too, but had explained that it was his job. If he had to work with her to make a name for himself he would, that I shouldn't be worried because I was the one he was in love with.
I missed the passion and intensity we had together, I missed the ass slaps, the tickles, the lying together in bed on Sundays. Had it really only been a week since I had seen him, had he really called last only two days ago. I was talking like he had left the planet for a couple of light years.
"I Kissed a Girl" filled the silence again. For the first time it piqued my interest, Bella had only called five minutes ago, she normally waited a couple hours before trying again. I still didn't answer it, I wasn't in the mood for crying again, and I knew that talking to her would break me down again, because it would all spill out.
The tears may have stopped but it still didn't stop that creepy feeling that had plagued me for the last couple of days. The anxiety attacks had been worse that first day but I had hidden them well, now I let them flow freely. Pacing across the room, gnawing on my bottom lip, the shakes . . . That stupid light headed feeling as your heart speeds up for no reason.
I just hoped it was all pointless, that I was overreacting, but I couldn't stop the fear from eating at me again as soon as the thought settled. Could there be something wrong? If there was, how would I know?
My stomach flipped again as the reoccurring thoughts pushed me back into panic mode. After those questions always came the answers I didn't want to hear. How would I know if it did? How could I check on him?
I had called the hotel just as much as I had called his phone, but there was never answer in his room. It just seemed to solidify the fact that something was wrong, cementing it into my throbbing heart making the pain unbearable.
I had considered calling NYPD, calling hospitals in the area, but I was afraid of two things; they would confirm my fears, or leave me even more uncomfortable. I knew I would just end up doing it soon, I couldn't take much more of this. It was killing me a little more. Each tick of the clock seemed to drive the pain and desolation deeper into my heart.
I rubbed my face with my palms, I had to stop doing this to myself and either start calling places and people, or just wait, patiently. I couldn't do either though, I was so twisted up and confused.
What if . . .
I sat up and pulled my laptop onto my lap, I had been checking my email just as much as I had been checking my phone. I already had the numbers of the emergency services in New York pulled up along with every hospital in the vicinity. I also had the agency he worked for pulled up so I could call when I decided to stop being so melodramatic.
I minimized the screens quickly and typed in the website for the airlines. I would go to him, I would go to New York and sit outside his room if I had to. I just needed to know he was alright.
"Man-eater" filled the room, and I stared at my phone as my heart leapt into my throat, something was definitely wrong, Bella and Rosalie wouldn't call me this much if I was just being an over emotional idiot. The only problem was . . . my body was now frozen in fear.
How long had they been calling? How many times had they called?
"Alice?" Bella's voice rang through the condo, I had given her a key in case I locked myself out or something. I still couldn't move as the realization continued to dawn and formed a crater in my stomach. I felt sick, and dizzy, the anxiety was back tenfold.
"Alice!" Rosalie's voice . . . this wasn't good, she was trying to hide her emotions, I could hear it in her voice.
The bedroom door breezed open, but I was still staring into space, only aware of them moving from my peripheral vision. Please be here to drag me to lunch, please.
Bella perched on the edge of the bed and picked up my hands in hers, she looked up to Rosalie with a frown, before turning my head so I could face her.
"Alice honey."
"Somethings wrong, isn't it?" I mumbled, it was loud in the quiet room.
"Ali."
"I knew it," I finally found the function for my eyes and looked into Bella's sad eyes, "I told you something was wrong, nothing felt right, he calls me, he always calls me."
I slid off the other side of the bed in a hurry, Jasper's too big coat still wrapped around me. I ran to the closet pulling clothes from the hangers and shoving them into a bag. the room behind me was silent but I could feel their eyes on me. I was shaking uncontrollably, the zippers on the bag giving it away, calling me out.
"Alice." Bella's hand slipped into mine as she pulled me from the closet across to the bed, and sat me down. She and Rosalie took a seat either side of me.
Tremors rocked my body, I had to keep moving, I couldn't sit here doing nothing. I sprung up off the bed again, I paced back and forth in front of them, trying to gain the strength to ask what happened. Trying to push the anxiety attack away so I could think. I shook out my hands as the tingle infiltrated them with that pins and needles feeling.
My head was throbbing, and my heart was pumping quickly in my chest. I stopped, turning to look at them as my body wobbled around me.
"What happened?"
Rosalie looked at Bella, Bella looked at Rosalie, then they turned to look at me. Rosalie was spokesperson, it made sense, she was his sister, she would have gotten the call. I didn't get a call, why hadn't I been told earlier, two fucking days ago.
"Alice, Jasper was in an accident . . . He . . . he was on his way back to the shoot and the cops think that the driver didn't see him . . . he was . . . hit. He's in a coma."
A coma, the word seeped into my bloodstream like acid, tearing through my veins as it fed it to my brain. My chest exploded, my legs went weak, before I could blink I was in my knees. One hand was on my stomach, the other on the floor.
I hadn't meant to release it, but a piercing sob hung in the air like a dense cloud as my body closed down around me. No, not Jasper, not MY Jasper. Then the bawling started, my body ached as it broke down with the pain of that word.
"No, no, no, no, no . . ." My voice was a strangled cry. I hurt, I really hurt, Jasper . . . God I wanted Jasper right now.
"Not him, not now, no," this couldn't be happening. "NO!"
Bella and Rosalie both had their arms around me as I wept freely. My heart cracked a little, the what if's began flooding my mind. I knew I couldn't live without him. I knew I didn't want to. I knew I need to get to him. I knew I needed to do something.
"I need to go to him," I whispered, sucking in the sobs. They formed in shakes now, my hands were balled, my fingernails dug into my palms keeping me in reality. I needed to get myself together and go to him.
"Rose, could you book me a flight as soon as humanly possible?" It wasn't a question, I was begging, "My credit card is in my purse."
"Sure Alice," she said with her voice full of sympathy.
"Bella, would you pack me some clothes? I need to take a shower, so I can get out of here."
I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower, pulled towels from the shelf and brushed my teeth all at the same time. I threw the toothbrush in my toiletries bag as I dragged it from the towel closet. I stripped quickly and hopped into the shower without a second thought. I yelped, the water was all the way on hot.
Once I had adjusted the water I stood under the stream, dragging the shampoo through my now shoulder length hair, the hot water was doing nothing for my tensed muscles, and I was like a robot going through the motions.
I jumped out after the last of conditioner and soap had left my body. I pulled the brush through my hair and threw it into my overnight bag, then pulled it up in top of my head. My stomach turned again as the thought of Jasper alone ran through my mind. My hands grasped onto the counter and I crouched down into a ball willing the pain to subside. I didn't have time for my selfish reactions, Jasper needed me.
I ran into my room in my towel and pulled on the first clothes I could find. Rosalie and Bella were perched on the bed watching me with wide eyes as I double checked the bags for everything I would need.
"Your flight's in an hour. I have booked you into a hotel near the hospital, and Shannon and Shawn will be waiting for you at the airport," Bella said as she headed into the bathroom to pick up my toiletry bag.
She reappeared and stuffed it into the bag filled with my clothes and zipped it up. I turned around trying to remember if I had forgotten anything. I threw my phone and charger into my purse and made sure everything I needed was in there.
"Claudia's on a flight not long after yours and we'll come as soon as we can," Rosalie said quietly. For the first time I stopped and looked at her. She was just as terrified as I was.
I threw my arms around my two best friends and we took a moment to let our fear take over us.
"Come on, we need to get you to the airport," Bella sniffled.
I took a deep breath and held both of their hands in mine. "I promise I will call you as soon as I get there."
They both nodded, I looked around the room one last time before pulling my bags over my shoulder and heading towards the door. I picked up Jasper's coat as I passed the bed and slung it over my arm, six hours on a plane I would need something of his to calm me down, there was no pacing once the panic attack hit.
The elevator ride down was silent. I used it to gather myself together again, my emotions were off the scale and I could barely think straight, my only thought - and it had turned into a mantra - was please be okay Jasper. It played over and over, my leg tapped in time with it.
Bella piled us all into the Volvo and took off towards the airport. I just watched as the city flew by, not really focusing on anything in particular. I couldn't think of anything but Jasper and getting to him. I prayed for the first time in a long time, asking anyone who was listening to keep him safe.
The lump settled in my throat again making it hard to breathe. I couldn't cry again, not yet. I had to make sure he was alright first. I had to make sure he stayed with me. I couldn't say goodbye now. I wouldn't let him, I couldn't let him.
The longer we were in the car the more frustrated I became. I wanted to be there with him. I wanted to be by his side until he woke, and he would wake up, even if it was the last thing I did in life. I would see him wake up.
The thought of not seeing his gorgeous blue eyes full of that vibrancy almost crushed me again. This couldn't be happening, maybe it was a nightmare and I would wake up soon. I pinched my arm, no such luck.
Rosalie and Bella walked me to security and gave me a hug before I passed through. I knew they hated to leave me alone at a time like this, and I had spent five minutes assuring them it was fine. Alone was probably best anyway, I had to get all of the emotion out of my system before I saw him. I didn't want him to see me like this when he woke up. I was broken, torn apart with worry and fear.
I didn't have to wait long for the flight to board thankfully. I was pacing back and forth when they finally announced it, and I was sure any longer and I would have worn the carpet from where I was pacing
Sitting on the plane, I went back to our last conversation.
. . .
He had been running late, he had to get back to the set. I was giggling at him while he was cursing, running around the room trying to find what he needed for the afternoon.
"Calm down Jazz, you have plenty of time," I laughed. I was standing in front of the mirror in our bathroom, finishing the last of my make up. My cup of coffee sitting next to me. I took a sip, savoring the flavor.
"Ali, I can't be late for this. The bitch is just waiting for me to screw up so she can get me fired."
The bitch, was Maria's official new name, anyone that referred to her, referred to her as the bitch, and it had stuck. I hated that she still had a small hold over him when it came to his career. She dangled it in front of him, always threatening to take it away.
"She's not worth getting all worked up over baby. She does it to get back at you."
I finished dusting the bronzer across my forehead and threw the brush back in my make up bag before taking another sip of coffee. Jasper had put me on speaker and I could hear him rummaging through his suitcase.
"What are you looking for?"
"Kenneth Cole shoes."
"They're in the zipper part on the side. You moved them so you could fit your ridiculously large collection of belts into your bag."
He chuckled, "Have I told you I love you lately?"
I smiled and drank the last of my coffee so I could apply the lip gloss. "Mm, not enough though."
"Well, I love you, oh and I love you, oh and hey . . . "
"You love me, I get it," I giggled, "I love you too captain sarcasm."
I heard him shuffling around a little more, before the phone was picked back up.
"I hate to cut it short babe."
"It's fine. Go have fun. Don't let the bitch bother you, and call me later."
"I will, love you gorgeous."
"Love you too."
. . .
How the hell had I not known that something was wrong. The recap of the conversation in my mind showed just how in love we are, and I was thinking little miss slut had penetrated that somehow. Sure we'd had mind blowing phone sex the night before, but my first thought had been it had created an itch she'd offered to scratch. How the hell could I have been so blind?
Easily, I was blind to who he was, how pure and loving he was. I was still hung up on my past, on my mother's use of men, with no regard for them or how they felt. I had tried with everything I was to get away from her, to get away from her frame of mind, but here I was, placing blame on the man I loved as he lay in a hospital bed with God only knows what wrong with him.
The plane became silent as the duration began to shorten, but I held myself in a tight little ball weeping, willing the plane to move faster so I could see him, so I could tell him how sorry I was. He may not have known about my suspicious nature, but I did, I knew, and I never wanted to hide anything from him again, however inconsequential it was.
Screw being balanced, I just wanted him back. I wanted him awake, his easy smile and sapphire eyes burning into my soul. I wanted the playful banter we always shared. I wanted him, and selfishly I needed him.
A flight attendant tried to console me, but it was hopeless. All I could see was the last time I saw him, making love in front of the fire before kissing him goodbye at the airport. Why did this happen? Why him? Hadn't he been through enough shit?
My fingers interlaced with the loose strands of my hair as I held my head down so I could smother the sobs that continued to flow into my knees. I had too much time to think, I didn't want to think anymore. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be beside him. I wanted to see him.
This hurt too much, it was like a part of myself being torn from me. My heart was heavy and my breaths painful. Was is supposed to be like this? Was I supposed to hurt knowing that he was hurt?
By the time the plane started to descend I was a mess all over again. My eyes hurt from the constant stream of tears leaking from them. My body was trembling and aching my hair was greasy from my tugging on it.
I didn't care, not about any of it. I just wanted to get the fuck off of this plane and get to the hospital. I needed to see him. I needed to know what was wrong, what I could do to help. I just needed to be there.
The captain came over the loud speaker and announced our arrival and all the other bullshit pilots spouted at this point, but I was up out of my seat, dragging down the bag that Bella had packed for me. The stewardess approached me with a look, but backed off as soon I as I glared at her. I knew my body language screamed 'just fucking try it'.
I took off down the aisle while the plane was still being hooked up to the exit ramp.
"Ma'am, you have to go back to your seat." There was a male steward stood by the door.
I shook my head defiantly.
"You have to wait until the aircraft is stationary before we can open the doors. If you don't comply, we'll get have to get the air marshalls . . ."
I sat down in an empty seat in the front row, I didn't have time to mess with him.
"I sat, can you open the fucking door now?"
The elderly woman next to me looked at me with a small measure of shock. I felt terrible, but I was getting irritated. The steward looked frustrated and my foot bounced quickly in front of me.
"Come on."
"Are you in that much of a hurry, Ma'am?"
I stood up, but the look he gave me made me sit down again.
"You bet your fucking ass I am, not that it's any of your god damn business. What? Are you purposefully not opening the door now just to irritate me?"
"We have procedures."
"Shove your procedures up your fucking ass." I sucked in a breath, trying to control the inevitable sobs. "My boyfriend," sob "accident" sob, "coma."
I had everyone's attention at this point and the remorse on the face of the steward was genuine. He picked up a small radio and told whoever was on the other end to move their asses and get the plane docked. The elderly woman next to me handed the napkin from her last drink.
I just wanted to get off the fucking plane.
The quiet whoosh of the door opening had me out of my seat, and no one said a word as I launched myself through it and through the ramp that had connected us. I sprinted through the building towards the exit, ignoring everyone and everything that stood in my way.
I broke through the door and almost ran into the small crowd waiting for the new arrivals.
"Alice."
Hands pulled me into a tight embrace, and I recognized the face immediately. Shannon. I was so in need of a familiar face it brought on a new wave of tears, forcing them over the cusp of my bottom lid again.
"Come on, we have a car out front."
I nodded and let her guide me out of the building and climbed in the back of the black sedan, holding my bag tightly against my chest as though it were a lifeline. I gave the driver the hospital name and let my head fall against my bag.
"You look terrible."
"Thanks, I love you too," I mumbled. Wishing the car would move faster.
"Why don't we try and get you looking presentable?"
I shook my head and clutched my bag tighter to me.
"Okay." Shannon's voice was soothing and she gently swept my hair back from my face as she directed the driver to the quickest routes to get me to where I needed to go.
By the time he pulled up at the building, I already had the door open and moved to step out.
"I'll call Bella and Rosalie."
I nodded and ran towards the building as fast as my tennis shoes would carry me. I tried to find something indicating where he'd be, but there was nothing. Why hadn't I asked? I was taking gasps of breath as I looked around in confusion.
I approached the information desk, slamming into it as I used it to stop me.
"Where can I find Jasper Whitlock?"
The woman looked shocked but started typing on the computer.
"How do you spell that?"
FUCK!
"W.H.I.T.L.O.C.K."
She tapped away on her computer making me more agitated with every second. I couldn't wait anymore. I had to get to him.
"He's in I.C.U."
I took off running towards the elevators and smashed the button with an aggression I wasn't aware I possessed. By the time I got to the right floor and down the right corridor, I was noisily panting for breath. The nurses each gave me a death stare as I skidded to a halt in front of the desk.
"Jasper Whitlock."
"Ma'am."
"Please don't ma'am me, just show me where he is."
"Are you family?"
I was seriously about to hurt somebody with my bare hands.
"You must be, Alice?"
Every ounce of oxygen in my lungs spilled from me, my fingers dug into the counter. The doctor was staring at me cautiously as I nodded my head affirming his assumption.
"Would you like to come with me? Mrs. Whitlock-Hale called ahead and explained that you were family,"
Bless the woman for thinking ahead of time.
I followed him into a room with one bed sat in the center surrounded by machines. My heart dropped as I realized who was laying on the bed in the middle of it all.
Jasper.
He was pale, his lips a strange shade, a machine pumped breaths into him, moving his chest for him. A tube was forced down his throat, I.V's and cables came from every direction. Monitors beeped and blinked all around him.
Jasper.
Literally lifeless.
"Jesus, what happened?" I stepped towards the bed and picked up his hand in mine. Willing him to squeeze it and open his eyes and smile. Yet, there was nothing but the noise of the machine sucking in air for him, and it broke me.
"The car hit him at quite a high rate of speed. We're not entirely sure, there weren't many people around. We estimate the driver was going around thirty miles an hour on impact."
I fell to my knees by the side of the bed. Whimpering.
"He hit his head against the rise of the curb, which would account for the swelling in his brain. We estimate that there was bilateral damage to the Reticular formation of the midbrain. I'm afraid it's a waiting game. There was a substantial amount of pressure around his brain, pushing it against the skull. The neurologist wants to wait for a couple of days before running test, we believe he may stabilize with a couple of days."
"How long's he been here?" I crowed. "He's been missing for days."
"I believe he was brought in on," The doctor picked up the chart and flicked through some pages. "The EMT's brought him in on Thursday afternoon."
He'd been here alone for almost four days.
The pain in my chest was overwhelming, he'd been alone, all alone. I rested my head on the edge of the bed and just cried. I should have done more. I should have tried to find him. I should have flown up here three fucking days ago.
"I'll be around if you need me, try talking to him. Sometimes a familiar voice helps." The doctor squeezed my shoulder reassuringly before he left the room, leaving us alone.
I took deep breaths and picked up his hand in mine, letting my lips brush against the small amount of flesh that was left un-bandaged. Now that I looked closely, his leg was in a cast under the blankets, and the bruises covered most of the visible skin.
"Oh Jesus, Jasper, open your eyes please. Open your eyes and talk to me. I can't lose you now."
My blood ran cold through my body as I waited for a miracle to happen. He didn't even twitch.
"Please, baby, please," I was begging through my tears.
"I won't let you leave me, I won't. I love you, Jasper, please, open your eyes."
My voice broke and my shoulders shook with the magnitude of my sobs. Seeing him this lifeless and broken was eating away at me, clawing at my insides. He was so broken, so empty.
I stood up, pulling myself onto the bed and leaning over him, avoiding the tubes as best I could. I let my lips brush against his forehead. My tears dripped silently onto his skin as he lay completely undisturbed. I wiped the damp spots from his skin and leaned into his ear, my mouth only inches from his lobe.
"I love you, Jasper. Wake up for me, please, wake up, wake up, please."
Nothing.
I slid from the bed and pulled a chair over towards the bed, picking up his hand in mine again. I rested my head on the bed and looked up at him. The doctor said talking would help, so I talked. I told him everything I had been doing since I last saw him. How much of a mess I had left the apartment in because I was in such a rush to get to him. I told him my epiphanies, both of them.
I continued to talk until I woke up with a start.
"Sorry, I didn't want to disturb you, sweetheart, but you looked so uncomfortable, and you've been mumbling for hours."
My eyes focused on the woman in front of me and I launched myself into her arms. Another wave of tears taking control of me as she comforted me, shaking with her own sobs of desperation.
"He hasn't woken up. I've been talking to him, but nothing, not a flicker. I can't lose him, Claudia, I can't. I love him."
"I know, darlin', and he loves you too. You make him so happy."
"I'm sorry ladies, but there's only one visitor at a time in the I.C.U."
Claudia looked at her son and stepped towards the door.
I closed my eyes.
I couldn't be that selfish.
I wanted to be, but I couldn't.
He was her son.
"Claudia, you stay. I'll go find a coffee."
"Are you sure?"
I nodded, unable to speak. I knew the tears would flow freely. I couldn't be selfish, no matter how much I wanted to be. I watched as Claudia leaned over her son and kissed his forehead gently.
I couldn't stay to watch, even if I'd been allowed to. The sobs were building again within me. I needed some fresh air. It didn't matter how cold it was I needed something, anything. I needed to be able to breathe. I needed to clear my head. I needed Jasper.
I pulled out my phone and checked my messages as I stood outside in the freezing air of New York in November. I had calls from Bella and Rosalie, both were checking for updates, but I couldn't talk to them, not yet, so I texted them with an update before turning off my phone again and wrapping my arms around myself.
I'd had enough wandering around after an hour. I was desperate to get back. I hoped I'd given Claudia enough time. When the doors to the elevator slid open, I stepped out into the hall and headed towards the I.C.U.
I could see through the glass of the doors. There was more movement in there than there had been all day. Then I saw Claudia, screaming, and everything went black.
A/N: Yes, I am evil, I know this and I know I am terrible with the cliffies! Hopefully though, the next chapters won't take as long to get to. *cough* E *cough*
Thank you to all of you who reviewed, you guys truly are amazing and so inspiring :)
Note from GT: Don't worry, I already have 1/3 of the next chap done, I promise I wont take so long next time.........