Within Temptation©
Chapter Thirty-seven: Selfish
By Genevieve Lee

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"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone."
-Tennessee Willams

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Audrey.

The following night approached quickly, and I found myself constantly staring at the clock. By seven, I knew Erik had been at Carmen's home already. The question now was where was he headed to next?

I was not dense, I knew that my sister's house was an obvious place for me to be and it would not take him very long to find me, if he truly wanted to find me at all.

The thought that he would no longer want me caused me to shudder and pull my knees to my chest, a feat that was going to become much harder as my belly grew. But for now, it lay mostly flat with a bump that was hardly noticeable. It merely looked as if I had exhaled all the air from my lungs and remained that way. It was also easily hidden in an empire waist dress, of which Jacqueline had purchased me earlier that day in town. I argued with her about accepting them, but I suppose she was right in the fact that I could not continue wearing Carmen's dress.

"Besides," she said rationally as she shoved the pile of fabric at me for a third time, "I told you I would help you and this is only proving it."

I sighed, stretching out my legs on the bed I was on, causing the muscles that had been bunched up to protest weakly before settling into the new position. It was now late into the night and I wanted to sleep, but my body seemed to be unable to follow these instructions. But finally, with the sound of rain lulling me to sleep, I settled into an uncomfortable slumber.

I was roused much later by my sister shaking my shoulder roughly. I moaned in protest and rolled away from her, hoping that she would take the hint and leave me in peace, for I was suddenly exhausted. But to my dismay, she ripped the covers off of me and began shouting.

"What do you want?" I growled, sounding surprisingly like my husband.

"Audrey, you must get up!" she demanded, attempting to pull me from my bed.

"But why? I was perfectly comfortable—"

"It is your husband," she hissed impatiently. "He is here."

This certainly caught my attention, and I sat up and looked at her. I then glanced over her shoulder, half expecting to see Erik's dark silhouette blocking my doorway, but to my relief, there was nothing.

"Tell him," I began with venom, "that I am not ready to speak with him and he can just wait—"

"Audrey! Will you just shut your arrogant mouth for one moment?" my sister snapped, leaving me with an open jaw. "He is sick, extremely so, and looks like he has been for days now. As soon as I opened the door he practically passed out in my arms."

"What?" I asked blankly, still in shock. Erik, my husband, the ever powerful and all-knowing man was ill? It was baffling to think of him in any position of weakness.

I sat up immediately, swinging my feet onto the floor and to the slippers that were there.

"Where is he?" I asked.

My sister looked relieved that I was willing to cooperate and she silently led me out of my room, down the stairs, and to one of the drawing rooms. An intake of breath was my reaction at seeing my husband, unconscious on the couch.

For a moment I thought that perhaps he was simply tricking us in order to get close to me, but one look at him and I knew that what was happening was quite serious. His face was pale, even more pale than usual, and there was sweat streaking across every exposed part. His body was shaking, shivering, and I knew it was from a fever.

Jacqueline was beside me as I stared down in horror at him.

"I wanted to move him to a bed upstairs, but George took him here and immediately went for a doctor."

I nodded, as that was going to be my next question. Hopefully the small town physician would come quickly and be qualified to look after my husband.

"That stupid, idiotic, and selfish man!" I lumbered. "How could he risk himself like this?"

Anger was surging through me, and I grasped desperately onto it, because it was easier to be livid than worried.

I kneeled beside him and took his mask off, wanting his face to have some air. I heard my sister behind me catch her breath, as she had never seen his face before, but she was able to compose herself quickly, of which I was grateful.

"Fetch a wash cloth and a basin of warm water," I instructed. "When you have gotten that, get a pitcher of water. We need to get some fluids in him."

I heard the gentle swish of Jackie's skirts as she left the room to do as I had asked. When I was alone I set my palm softly upon Erik's cheek, stroking it gently.

"Do not worry," I said strongly as I swallowed back tears, "we'll make you well."

When he made no response besides a low groan, I looked away mournfully, only hoping that what I said was true.

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It took over an hour for George to return with a doctor in tow. They found us in the same room, where Jacqueline was covering him with dry blankets and I was wiping the sweat from his face with a wash cloth. Upon hearing them enter, I stood and blocked the view of my husband with my body protectively, looking at the strange man that stood before me.

"Sir, there is something you should know—"

"I told him," George said. "He knows everything."

I nodded before letting Jackie pull me away so the doctor could see to his patient. With her arms slung across my shoulders I watched silently as the man kneeled beside the bed and began taking Erik's vitals, not even flinching when he stared straight at his face.

Several long minutes passed, and I ignored my sister and brother in law's prompting to go to the kitchen and get a little something to eat. I wanted to find out what was wrong with my husband first.

Finally, the man turned and faced us, well, me—more specifically.

"You are his wife?" he questioned as he folded his spectacles and stuck them into his breast pocket. Although not in his night clothes, it was obvious he had been woken up to come here. His clothes were rumpled and untucked, and the man just looked plain tired.

"I am," I said, taking a step forward and away from my sister, feeling her arms drop off of my shoulders. "How is my husband?" I demanded.

"He is fine, Madame. Let me assure you of that first. He does have a fever, but it seems to have lowered considerably within the time you must have taken him in."

I nodded, gesturing him with my hand to continue.

"Though his fever is better, it is still there. His body is simply exhausted from a mixture of the cold and not having enough rest."

The word "selfish" popped into my head for the second time that night. But in this instance, I wasn't sure of whom I was referring to: him or myself.

The doctor left us with instructions of just continuing what we had been doing before and that he would be back the following evening to see how his condition was. We thanked him, paid him the small fee, and watched him leave.

"Audrey," my sister implored once she returned back to the living room, "please come into the kitchen and eat something. I can make your favorite potato soup."

"I appreciate your offer," I began, "but I must stay with Erik. If you would still make the soup and bring me a bowl here, I would be most grateful."

She agreed, but a moment later George appeared and smiled wearily at me.

"Perhaps you would like to help assist me to move him to a bedroom now?"

I glanced at Erik, whose feet were hanging off one end of the couch, his left arm draped over the side and touching the floor. He looked cramped and uncomfortable, and I knew a bed would be much better. But I also knew that moving him to such a location, which was up the stairs, would be a daunting task, indeed.

"Yes, please," I replied, and then together, each of us with an arm across our shoulders, we staggered up the stairs with my husband in-between us. We laid him on the bed in my room, at my insistence.

"I would like to be with him, and being in my room will be more convenient, I think," I explained as we lowered him gently onto the bed.

After that was done, I was alone once again, and this time I focused on making Erik as comfortable as possible. I removed his shoes, only to find he was wearing wet socks. I grumbled unintelligently about this as I removed them, warmed his feet with a steaming hot wash cloth, dried them, and put on a pair of George's socks. I then removed the rest of his wet clothing, putting him in some spares of George's I had obtained. Albeit short, they fit decently enough.

Once I was sure he was warm and dry, I sat on the bed with his head in my lap, coaxing him to swallow some water.

"This reminds me of the time I was sick from drinking the night before, and you took care of me the entire night. I don't think we liked each other very much at that point, did we?" I asked, knowing I wasn't going to get a response. "That was directly after you thought I had tried to run away, remember? And no matter how many times I told you—"

"Audrey?"

My head snapped up and my cheeks darkened when I saw my sister standing in the doorway with a tray of food in her hand.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you," she said with all seriousness, and I was pleased to see she was not mocking me in any way, "but I've brought you dinner."

"Thank you," I said, before clearing my throat. I then scooted from beneath Erik, easing his head onto a pillow and going over to the desk where my food sat.

We both stood thoughtfully for a moment, gazing at Erik before I said, "Do you think he can hear me?"

Jacqueline glanced at me and then back at Erik before shrugging. "I cannot say, but it doesn't hurt to talk to him. Even if he can't hear it, I know it can make you feel better."

I agreed and then began eating my dinner, to which Jackie left me dutifully alone. The soup was delicious, but I found I did not have much of an appetite. But I ate anyways, knowing it was good for the baby I was carrying.

The baby.

I finished eating quickly, chasing down the hot soup that had seared my mouth and throat with a cool glass of water. Feeling positively stuffed and bloated, I sat down on the bed, taking Erik's hand in my own. I was pleased to feel that his temperature seemed to be closer to my own than it had been hours previous. I stroked the top of his hand with my thumb as I began talking.

"I hope you can hear me, because telling you is going to be hard enough without having to do it twice," I said before putting his hand across my stomach. Was it my imagination or did his fingers move just slightly in order to gently cradle it? "Feels as if I've been eating one too many pastries, doesn't it?" I joked, but my laugh turned into a garbled sound as tears sprang to my eyes.

"But no, that's not why. Erik, I think you need to know that I'm pregnant—we're pregnant," I amended at the end, my hand tightening on his own. "I found out only two days before this whole thing started, and I wanted to find the perfect time to tell you." I gave a humorless laugh. "I guess this isn't considered perfect, is it? Perhaps," I mused, more to myself, "perhaps, I didn't need the perfect moment. I believe I just needed to tell you regardless of everything."

I swallowed deeply, my voice a little strangled, but I continued. "I think we've both been a little selfish these past few days. Everything has been so flawless these last couple of months I almost forgot what it was like to fight with you—almost. But I realize now that our lives won't ever be perfect, nor do I want it to be. I want to fight with you, I want to disobey you and have you scream at me for being impertinent, and I want to yell back about how pig-headed you are." I sniffed, pulling his hand away from my stomach to stroke it tenderly across my cheek. "I want to slam doors, and stomp my feet, but I want to sleep in your arms, give you gifts, make breakfast with you…I want to grow old with you, Erik.

"I guess what I am getting at," I persisted, "is that I love you, and I forgive you for everything, but only hope you can forgive me too."

I lay there for several minutes, listening to his breathing, but suddenly, something amazing occurred. I still don't know if it was too early to feel such things, or if I was just mistaking regular stomach functions for what I felt, but something fluttered in my stomach, and it happened more than once.

I gasped, wondering what was happening, but realized it within the same instant.

"Moving," I breathed. "Erik! Our baby is moving!"

I grabbed the hand I had released and lay it over my abdomen, letting him feel, even in unconsciousness, the miracle we had somehow created.

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Genny's Note: A terribly short chapter, but there really was no more to add. I apologize for the idleness this story has had, but I had many things going on this month.

I wanted to also say how much I appreciate all your concerned messages and reviews. I have replied to each one individually, as I no longer feel comfortable posting about Jacqueline after a scathing and unsympathetic review. Just know things are much better than they were before, and I hope to update again this weekend.

I also apologize to those anonymous reviewers to whom I could not reply, but I thank you as well!