Chapter thirty five: Closer

JPOV

November 5, Monday

Now that I knew I was in love with Ness, a little, it didn't change anything for me. I still loved Eve and I wanted my relationship to work.

But it should have changed some things. I should tell Ness and take some distance, but I couldn't. I was wondering if maybe she had been the reason for my wish to take things even slower with Eve. If Eve would move back in, there would be no more excuse for Tuesday and Thursday visits.

And Friday. The Cullens had invited me to come over next Friday as well. Knowing what I know now, I should not accept, but I found myself looking forward to it already. That's the thing about being in love, you want to see them. All the time.

I wanted to be with Ness. And she enjoyed my company as well. As long as I didn't give her hope, there was nothing wrong with that.

So I kept seeing her, three times a week now, but I made sure to focus on my aim. That was needed, because now I had admitted my feelings to myself, I was drawn more and more to her lips. Eve had not done me a favor, opening my eyes, but I could see that it was needed. I've had these feelings for a while I think, and if I wanted things to work out between me and Eve, then I needed to forget them. First be complete aware of them and then pushing them away again.

Of course I wasn't very good in pushing them away, as I refused to avoid Ness. And I refused to take distance as well.

I wasn't being as close as possible on purpose, but it just happened all the time, and I didn't stop it from happening. When watching TV, we ended up curled up in the couch, when walking outside, we ended up holding hands, or with my arm around her, when having dinner, we ended up leaning over the table, talking while looking into each others eyes.

It was wrong. She must have felt it too. She loved me, so she was tuned in on this kind of thing. I was leading her on. Acting like a love sick teenager, while having no intentions of a future with her. And she took whatever she could get, drank from my company, talked with me, laughed with me, couldn't get enough. And I couldn't get enough of just that. And of her.

I saw things now that I haven't noticed before. The way her cheek dimples sometimes when she smiles, but not every time, just with certain smiles. The way the sun reflects on her hair, that was now no longer blond but red again. The way she gets adorably jealous whenever Tina mentions Anna, and how that jealousy shows in blushing.

Sometimes when she lay against me on the couch, falling asleep after a long talk, I was reluctant to let her go home again. I wanted to keep her with me. And I wondered if maybe I should forget about Eve and go for Ness. I knew she loved me back. But I had fears, a lot of them.

First there were Nessies feelings. I didn't know if she was still in love with me. She needed me, my company, but that doesn't mean she wanted me. I had seen what happened with Tina. I had been sure that she was falling for her, but she had tried and it hadn't worked out. I don't think I would be as okay as Tina was, if we took a shot at it, and it didn't work. Tina was really easygoing, and I admired that in her. She even made jokes about their experiment, calling Ness one hell of a tease.

Second, there were Eve's feelings. She was a wonderful lovely woman, who loved me, and who needed me as well. I loved her, still. I was sure of that. Could I let her down now? After she had lived through the hardest year of her life? Of course not.

Third, there were my feelings. I had a crush. Just recently. While I loved Eve for four years. I must be crazy to go for the crush.

And last but not least, there was the friendship between me and Ness of course. It was right now one of the most important things in my life, maybe even the most important thing, and I would not risk losing it. Not for this crush. I would not risk hurting Ness, Eve and myself.

But I would not avoid her either. I didn't even try.

Today is Monday, which normally means working late day. Eve would hang with Leah and Dean, Ness would hang with Tina. But today Emmett and Rose had taken Tina along for a football game. Ness doesn't like those, so she was home alone. She was bored and called me up, and somehow I got myself invited over, and I gladly accepted. There was this small voice in my mind that said "Mondays now too?" But I ignored it. I am getting quite good at that.

I brought her some fast food, and we played board games, like we had that week she had been staying at my place. We drank some beers, and were just a little tipsy. Just enough to get caught up in the game, and become so competitive it was funny. We laughed at ourselves so hard, we almost had belly aches. When Tina came home – time had flown by – we got into the couch listening to Tina's story.

After Tina had gone to bed, it was time for me to go home, but I stayed seated in the couch. She got closer to me, now Tina was no longer in between us. We were both leaning sideways against it, facing each other. Our knees were touching and my arm was over the headrest, reaching over to stroke her hair. Once our conversation had stopped, I realized how intimate this pose was. This moment.

I didn't pull my hand back though. We looked into each other's eyes, still silent. I lost my focus and leaned in to her, my face inches away from hers. She closed the last distance and her lips were on mine. Softly.

She didn't kiss me. She just held her lips against mine, and I didn't move either. If no lips are moving or pressing together, can it be called kissing, technically?

I decided that it wasn't wrong as long as I didn't move.

After a while of breathing in her scent, however, my lips did move. I caressed her lips with mine. Gently.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. I understood what I was doing to her. Giving her a taste of something forbidden.

Still, I didn't stop.

My hand that was in her hair moved to the back of her head. My fingers softly tracing her neck.

And then she kissed me back. Our mouths were closed, but her lips were moving. Tenderly.

It lasted a long time. Reality would hit us as soon as we broke apart, so we didn't. As slowly as our lips were kissing, as furiously my heart was beating.

When we eventually leaned back, I looked at her.

"Don't say it," she whispered. I didn't know what she meant, because the only thought I had in my mind was to kiss her again.

"Are you still coming over tomorrow?" I asked. It implied that I would go home now, but that I wanted to see her again soon. We needed to talk, but not right now.

"If you want me to."

"Of course."

Now was the moment for me to get up and leave, but I couldn't. She leaned over to me again, this time her hand was in my neck, and she kissed me again, full on the lips. All to soon it was over again and she got up from the couch.

I walked out and closed the door behind me, while she rested against the wall, watching me leave.

As soon as I was out, I leaned against the wall as well. What have I done? I have opened the box of Pandora. All I wanted was to go back in and kiss her till we both grew old. This will not end well.

But I couldn't bring myself to care. About the future where three people would get hurt. My mind was in a daze. I had kissed Ness and she had kissed me back.

Whatever came from that could not be bad. Or so I believed.

I had kissed my girl, my Nessie.

AN: Butterfly belly aches! :-) How about you?