Renly had fallen asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. Loras had gone to get changed for bed, and then, of course, come back up to Renly's room. Renly himself had quickly changed, feeling quite embarrassed for when one of the serving girls took his clothes to be washed. He silently hoped they wouldn't notice. He'd been listening to Loras talking about something, he wasn't entirely sure what, but he'd just been so tired he'd fallen asleep almost instantly. He just had to hope Loras found that endearing as a pose to annoying.

Renly now wished he'd stayed up longer, he wished he was still awake, in fact. He'd not had a dream like this in a very long time, and he'd started to think he might never have one again. He would be happy if that were the case. But it was not.

He remembered the feeling of everything that happened as if he was reliving it. Back when he was still a child, back when Stannis lived at Storm's End. He could remember every detail in his dreams, things he could never have remembered from his conscious mind.

He could still hear Stannis' voice, yelling at him to be quiet. It must have been somewhere deep into the night, it was pitch black outside. The only visible things through the window were the campfires from the Tyrell army outside their walls. The vague sound of chatter rising up and swirling with the winds. Renly prayed for it to rain so he could listen to that instead. He didn't understand why he had to be quiet, it wasn't as if the Tyrells didn't know they were there. But Stannis had insisted, shouted at him above the silence to be quiet. Eventually, Renly did as he was told, just went over to sit in the corner by himself.

The feeling of fear was something Renly could never forget, and it would never fail to seep its way into his head every time he relived those events. He could hear the faint drum of his heartbeat, fast against his chest. It was the anticipation, the anxiety, eating away at him inside his head. Waiting for something to go wrong. Waiting for this to be the last scare, the one that worked.

'What in the Seven…' Stannis started, staring out of the window, his voice low and hushed. Renly got up then, cautiously approaching the window to see what had happened. Stannis pushed him away from it, a shove that sent him sprawling to the floor.

'Stannis, what is it?' Renly asked desperately. Why wouldn't he just let him see?

'Can't you just do as your told?' Stannis yelled at him, turning on him, blocking the view of the window. 'I keep telling you, just be quiet!'

'Why?' Renly whined, hauling himself off the floor, trying to match his brother's eye line, even though he was too short. Stannis shook his head at him, and Renly knew that look in his eyes. He swallowed hard and took a step back. He never did know when to stop winding Stannis up.

Stannis shoved him against the wall, one arm under Renly's chin, keeping him in place, but not enough to hurt.

'I'll say this one last time, Renly,' Stannis told him, his tone was so quiet it was disturbing. 'this is a dark time. You are too young to understand it, so the less you know about it, the better. Understood?'

Renly managed a meek nod before Stannis let him go. Even though Stannis hadn't actually cut off his windpipe, Renly still felt the need to gasp. Stannis didn't bother to address him again. He swept out of the room, the door slamming behind him. Renly heard the lock click into place. He sighed and dropped himself against the wall, hands automatically clutching at his stomach. He could feel his ribs through his clothes, far too pronounced for it to be normal. He knew Stannis would probably be feeling worse, he'd seen him go without meals so many times so Renly could eat something. Anything. He couldn't remember the last time his stomach had growled with hunger, by now it had just given up hope of being fed properly.

He didn't understand why Robert wasn't helping them. He knew he had his own crusade, he was off fighting the Targaryens… but surely family mattered more? Why couldn't he just come back? He'd get rid of the Tyrells outside with no trouble…

Renly would never forget the feeling when he forced himself to get up and go to the window. How he felt his heart hammering hard in his chest, his breath catch in his throat. He saw the next Tyrell attempt to breach the castle walls, this one was fire. One misplaced hay cart by the wall could spark everything off. He felt like he couldn't breathe, watching the hay catch light like wildfire, sparks flying off in every direction, picking up speed as they found other flammable things, cloth stands, practise dummies, a vat of oil caught fire… he felt the corners of his vision going black, a nagging headache at the back of his mind. He tried to make a gasp for breath but nothing was happening, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't –

And he woke up with a sharp start, bolting upright and gasping. He was drenched with sweat, his hair sticking to his forehead. He glanced around the room. No, everything was normal. That dream was in the past. He looked down across his bed, Loras was still there, still asleep. He took another deep breath and tried to calm down. Loras started to stir in his sleep, like a delayed reaction from hearing Renly wake up. He didn't want to talk about the nightmare, he didn't even want to talk.

He got out of bed before Loras could properly wake up. He opened the balcony door and quickly slipped outside, shutting the door quietly behind him. He lowered himself onto the stone floor, leaning against the wall. It was reassuringly cold against his back. From here he could see Shipbreaker Bay. Not clearly, it was still too dark, but he could hear it perfectly. The sound of the sea was calming. The only reason he was still alive today was thanks to the sea, and the Onion Knight. Before he'd even realised it, he was wiping tears from his cheeks. He couldn't stop the tears that followed, or the fact that he was so hysterically wound up by that nightmare that he couldn't choke down tears fast enough. Even when Amber had said those things, what seemed like a lifetime ago, he'd not cried like this. He'd not cried like this in a very, very long time. The sort of tears that seem to rip through your throat with every breath, impossible to hold back.

This was punishment, surely. The gods were angry with him again and they'd punished him by bringing him that nightmare. They didn't know how much it stung to see it, to feel it, all over again. Or maybe they did, and that was the reason they did it.

The balcony doors opened again, Renly heard them. He didn't need to look up to know it was Loras.

'Renly, are you…' Loras started, but then Renly looked up at him. He knew it would be completely obvious that he was crying. Loras dropped to the ground next to him in an instant. 'What's wrong? What happened?'

Renly shook his head, bringing his knees up to his chest and shifting his gaze away from his squire.

'I don't want to talk about it.'

'Oh.' Loras said unsurely. 'Do you want to talk about something else?'

'No.'

'Alright.'

He let Loras sit there for a minute or two, just the two of them and silence. But it didn't make him feel as good as it should have. He felt guilty. Loras was the reason the gods were punishing him, he was sure of it. What he'd done to him that evening, they hadn't liked that. So they'd sent him the worst moments of his life to relive when he closed his eyes.

'Loras, go back inside.' Renly told him, his voice completely emotionless. Loras stared back at him with wide eyes.

'Are you coming back inside?'

'No.'

'Then I'm staying here.'

'No, you're not.' Renly insisted. 'Go back to bed. It's not going to be a pleasant ship to Tarth if you've not had any sleep.'

'But shouldn't you-'

'Go back to bed, Loras.'

Loras watched him for a moment longer, trying to figure out if he should do it or not. When Renly didn't turn back, he decided he should do it. He wanted to do something, kiss him or at least just hold his hand… but nothing felt right when he wouldn't even look at him. So Loras just got up and went inside, leaving Renly on alone on the balcony.