Chapter 37
Mancando
Before vision, before hearing, Soundwave's mind activated to knowledge. Like fleeting stars, millions and millions of bits of information came to life and ordered within his powerful processor, allowing logic to function again.
Allegiance, coldness, convictions, all came at once to take their place in the complex personality of the Decepticon Communications Officer, his mind once again taking over any other physical malfunction.
And then, it happened.
The pain.
Structural damage was meaningless. Even though he could feel it, the suffering coming from his wounds didn't even cause a flinch in one of the most ordered minds ever created.
Torture came from another source, a place that Soundwave wasn't able to compute yet, a place he couldn't disregard, his most guarded fortress, the place in which he felt.
But he wouldn't find relief in reasoning. Optics and audios still offline, he was hit by his last memory, which suddenly became the only truth in the universe.
Nocturne was gone.
Gone from his side, taken from him.
"I don't have any idea how to repair this kind of wound! Besides, he's your master, repair him yourselves!"
Voices came from somewhere distant.
"Don't ya think we would've already done it, glitch head, if we could? Aren't you an elite smart aft or what? Ya must know how to repair him! Hurry! He's losin' energon badly!"
"Look Rumble, I'm no medic. I can repair minor things but this… no way! Besides, if I mess with your boss' circuits, he'll strip me from my plates and throw my protoform into some melting pit! Wait for Hook. He must be arriving at the Space Bridge right now."
"Why you…"
"Frenzy! Look!"
The last two voices allowed his processor to settle back into reality. He had recognized Rumble and Frenzy even before he heard them. The link had pulsated, calling them, even though apparently they had been too busy talking with Skywarp to notice.
Systems online. Vision activated at 75.61 percent.
"See? He's online!" Skywarp said, pointing toward Soundwave. "There was no need to make such a scene."
Rumble and Frenzy jumped over Skywarp and landed at each side of their creator.
"Soundwave! How do ya feel boss?" Frenzy asked.
"Ya scared the slag out of us!" Rumble said whilst leaning on Soundwave's shoulder.
Soundwave pushed himself upwards and managed to sit up on the repair berth. The lights of the ceiling made him adjust his vision once again.
His normal reaction, no matter how bad his own condition was, would have been to request a report of the most recent events, but he didn't need to. He knew what he was going to hear, and he didn't want to hear it from another vocalizer, although it would happen eventually. He wasn't worried about the mockery or the hurtful comments, but any reminder of what he had lost seemed unbearable at that moment.
"Hey, are you okay? You didn't fry your neural circuits, did you Soundwave?" Skywarp asked him. "'Cause if you did, I don't think even Hook can put you back in one piece."
Soundwave didn't reply and attempted to get up. As one, Frenzy and Rumble grabbed his arms and stopped him.
"Hey!" Rumble said. "Stay down boss. Ya were badly hurt and Hook needs to take a look at ya."
"Concern unnecessary, self repairs preferable."
"But ya're leaking energon like a broken cube!" Frenzy complained.
As if he couldn't feel pain at all, Soundwave directed his hand toward the severed fuel line on his torso and brutally snatched it.
"Eeeeww, what did ya do that for?!" Rumble cried. "Ya just made it worse!"
Soundwave tossed the thin portion of tube to the floor and got up. "Basic functioning of any Cybertronian's core system: when a fuel line is completely severed, energon automatically stops flowing."
"But Soundwave, ya have to return to the…"
Frenzy couldn't finish. The door of the Repair Bay opened and a tall and powerful shadow appeared under the threshold.
"Why doesn't your attitude surprise me, Soundwave? For such a logical robot like yourself, your stubbornness is remarkable."
Skywarp, Rumble and Frenzy straightened their stances as they always did when they were in Megatron's presence. However, they could tell the mood of their Supreme Commander wasn't as bad as to be expected. It seemed that seeing Soundwave functional had erased the bigger part of his rage. There was no secret that the silent Communications Officer was the only mech Megatron had ever considered a friend.
"I may not be an expert surgeon, but severing your own fuel line can barely be considered a repair. You stopped the energon leak but increased the damage," Megatron continued, frowning at Soundwave's brutal remedy.
"Momentary solution," Soundwave stated. "Self-repairs are programmed as soon as I finish my report."
"You will finish nothing," Megatron said roughly. "I need you functional Soundwave, so focus your efforts on that. As for what happened here, I think I have a good idea about it. Still, there are empty spaces that need to be filled. Starscream and Swindle know much more than they are saying."
Starscream...
The mention of his name sent a fleeting pulse of hatred through Soundwave's spark. Of course he would have something to do with it, the accursed slagger always had something to do with it...
A second feeling began to grow in his spark. A feeling so twisted it couldn't be defined.
A scream.
Her scream...
Suddenly, it felt as if a light was being shone into the darkness, illuminating the events of the past breems with increasing clarity.
Nocturne had been screaming for him; screaming for him because Starscream was after her...
Soundwave's logical mind was suddenly working in overdrive as the realisation began to sink in. He felt his fists clench.
"Did you secure the alloy?" Soundwave asked in a desperate attempt to cover his outward display of emotion. Internally, he dared to explore his bond with Nocturne again.
Megatron regarded his Communications Officer for several moments before finally responding. "We were successful, yes," he said brusquely. "Unfortunately due to events here we were not able to secure as much as I had planned, but you will have enough to construct your frame."
"Construction of frame scheduled to commence in 1.7 cycles."
Soundwave could feel her again, whatever it was that had been blocking both the link and their bond had disappeared. The sensation of her presence brought him immediate relief, however, agony soon replaced that feeling as logic began to guide his thoughts.
"Your work will commence when you are fully functional, Soundwave. Following your repair sessions with Hook you will file your report, and run a complete scan of the Nemesis' security systems. I want to know how four slagging Autobots could possibly have managed to penetrate my base without detection. Then, and only then, will you return to your work on the cannon."
"Self-repairs: preferable."
Nocturne had been terrified, he hadn't been able to feel it but he had heard it in her voice as it echoed down the corridor towards him. She had been in danger, and he hadn't been there to protect her.
"At this point I don't really care about what you think is preferable or not. Tell me, Soundwave, how you propose to repair the damage to your torso and side? Access to those wounds will not be easy. And what about the damage to your back and shoulders, hmm?"
Soundwave remained silent, too distracted by his thoughts to put up an argument.
He desired nothing more than to have Nocturne in his arms at that moment, the sensation of loss weighing heavily on his spark. The communicator knew it wasn't logical for him to be feeling that way; she was an Autobot, there was no way they could have remained together and he had known it all along.
The memory of her scream resurfaced again, ringing in his spark as if she were right there with him. What had he expected, after all? Nocturne was an Autobot...a femme...alone in the Nemesis base, surrounded by merciless mechs with only one thing on their minds.
Soundwave resisted the urge to dim his visor in defeat.
She was where she belonged now, safe amongst her own kind. What they had shared... what they had shared had been nothing more than a fleeting moment of weakness, relief perhaps, for both of them in a time of chaos and insecurity.
"I need you fully functional, and I don't have time to waste on waiting for you to repair yourself," Megatron continued when he realised his subordinate was not going to respond. "You will wait here for Hook, Soundwave, and that is an order."
"Acknowledged."
"Rumble, Frenzy, make sure your creator doesn't sever any more fuel lines while he's waiting for Hook. Skywarp, rejoin the raiding party and provide cover fire if need be. They are currently en route with the alloy and I've had enough of the Autobots' interference for one cycle."
Soundwave barely registered the image of his Supreme Commander leaving the repair Bay. The pain in his spark had suddenly become unbearable as the realisation of what he needed to do sunk in.
There was no way he and Nocturne could be reunited. It didn't matter that they were from different factions; the mere fact that she would never be safe with him tore at his conscience like a jagged knife.
They couldn't be together. Not in body, not in mind, not in spark...
Soundwave felt a chill through his systems. Nocturne would be better off without him. Better off without the link.
Better off without the bond.
The Decepticon knew what he had to do; he wished he could cry out and give voice to his agony just once.
He wished he hadn't been so weak. He should never have allowed her into the link, never given in to temptation or allowed her to form a bond with him...
It was all his fault...
Hating himself more with every passing astro second, Soundwave shifted his attention to her presence. He didn't need telepathy to know she was still offline, but that didn't stop the finest of tendrils from slithering silently towards her.
He paused, suddenly aware of what he was doing. If he entered Nocturne's mind he risked waking her...as much as his spark cried out for that scenario, logic dictated that it would be a devastating mistake.
His agony increased tenfold as he severed the tendril.
Nocturne's inclusion had been unintentional to begin with, as disturbing as it was comforting. At first Soundwave had tried to fight it, but as he discovered that night when the Stunticons had tried to claim her, excluding her from the link wasn't as easy as it should have been.
He wouldn't make the same mistake this time.
When the shadow of her unconscious presence disappeared from his mind, Soundwave fought the need to shiver. He knew what had to happen next, he knew what he was about to feel, what she was going to feel...
Soundwave bowed his head, concentrating on that place of warmth within his spark. He shut himself off from everything else in the universe, nothing but the two of them existed...
He wasn't even sure he could break the bond between them; it wasn't simply a mental link but a physical one, something created by mutual consent in a moment of intense passion...
Soundwave stifled the memory, forcing it to the back of his CPU. He couldn't dwell on such things, not when he had to destroy his link to the one thing that had made him happy since...
Navy blue fingers grasped the edge of the repair berth, bracing themselves against the violent wave of pain that moved swiftly through his systems. It was torture; there was no other word for it.
Soundwave's fingers did not relax as his mind slowly began to unravel his end of the bond. He knew he wouldn't be able to sever it completely, not even his mind was powerful enough to achieve that, but if he could damage it, cut her off from it...
Strand by painful strand his mind tugged and pulled until the glittering strings of their bond began to fray. Soundwave could feel her beginning to stir, he knew he was running out of time...his mind began to lash out at their connection viciously.
He couldn't let her feel him again, they had to be separated...
It was the right thing to do.
The right thing for her.
..................
Soundwave knew he had been successful when he felt Nocturne's panic flooding his systems.
She thought he was dead; she couldn't feel him at all.
He knew what it felt like to feel the hollow void in which another being had once existed; it killed him to think she would be facing that.
But she wouldn't be alone. He would be feeling it too, feeling her loss as if it were his own.
He heard her calling for him, her mind and spark screaming out in anguish, mourning him with a pain so raw it cut like a knife.
Soundwave's visor brightened slightly. Her pain would be his penitence.
Penitence for his weakness.
"Boss? Please, Soundwave, ya gotta snap out of it... Boss...?"
A voice.
"Slag, Rumble, he's totally out of it. C'mon Soundwave, say somethin'...please..."
That voice...
A sudden rush of rage flooded his processor as he suddenly became aware of his surroundings again. Slowly, Soundwave lifted his gaze to glare at his youngest creation.
"Boss! You're back!" Frenzy exclaimed, worry clear in his voice.
"Slag, Soundwave, we thought you'd fried your cerebro-shells," Rumble said, holding his arm tightly. "You feelin' okay? When ya went all tense and wouldn't respond...slag, boss, we thought..."
"Concern: unnecessary," Soundwave stated flatly, moving to stand.
"Yeah, it is, boss," Rumble said as both he and Frenzy held him down again. "You went really quiet there boss, not the usual 'I'm Soundwave' quiet, but like scary quiet."
"Concern: unnecessary. Desist and release me."
"Please Soundwave, just let Hook take a look at ya and then ya can get back to it..."
A certain memory surfaced at the mention of that name; one that had been residing in the deepest depths of his spark for thousands of vorns. It was one of the few that had the ability to challenge his cold logic, one that filled him with hatred and desperate pain...
Soundwave stood up defiantly and moved slowly towards the door, ignoring the panicked cries of protest coming from his youngest creations. Order or not, he would not be waiting.
……………
There was no pain, no consciousness of her own body.
Nocturne recognized the absence as well as she recognized the reason.
Soundwave was not there.
Not physically; proximity wasn't an issue for her troubled processor.
He was absent from her mind, from herself. Her spark ached, stretching to look for him, but not finding him.
She was about to cry his name in desperation when another voice forced her to confront her reality, whatever it may be.
"She's coming back online…"
"Nocturne, this is Optimus Prime. Take your time to reboot your systems. You are safe now."
Even if he hadn't mentioned his name, Nocturne would have recognized the voice of the Prime, the saviour, the chosen one, the one she had learned to obey without having ever been in his presence. And now she had been addressed by him, her name pronounced by his blessed vocalizer.
Why didn't she care, then?
Optics activated, defeated by the knowledge that she wouldn't find the one she was looking for. She ignored the three mechs before her berth and glanced down at her own body. She was incomplete, she was certain. She felt as if she had lost everything, arms, legs, spark…
They were there, but so pointless. Whatever she was looking at, it was just a ghost of herself.
"Nocturne… you're online… thank Primus…" Blaster said, holding her hand.
Nocturne didn't react to his touch. She looked at him as if he were a stranger.
Infinite sadness took over her spark when she realized that the face she longed for wasn't there, wouldn't be there for her again… ever.
It was wrong to have such desires, and she knew it. Orange walls were around her, a wide room with no bars, no fear floating in the air… And yet… she didn't dare to give words to her thoughts. It was sick, she knew it was sick…
"You are safe," Optimus Prime repeated, "in the Ark's Repair Bay."
"Please relax," the third robot, the Autobot Chief Medical Officer Ratchet, told her gently. "I was just executing a basic scan of your structure to determine possible malfunctions."
"There… there's no need to," she said hurriedly, trying to get up from the berth; gentle hands foiled her attempt. "My condition is functional, no internal or external damage…"
The worried glance that the three mechs exchanged didn't go unnoticed.
"Blaster reported you received a hard hit to the head. I just want to make sure…"
"My processor is working perfectly. As I said, no internal damage received."
She attempted to sit up again, the continued scrutiny making her feel uneasy. Having a shy personality she had never liked being the centre of attention; the twisted thought patterns passing through her processor only made their compassionate looks all the more unbearable.
"Please lie down, Nocturne," Blaster said worriedly, placing his hands on her arms and gently lowering her back to the repair berth. "Everything's going to be okay, you've just had a shock..."
"Mhh...no Blaster...please..." she muttered softly, struggling against his continued pressure. "I'm fine, really...just let me..."
"It's okay, sweetspark, you don't need to rush yourself. Just relax for now, let Ratchet take care of you. No one's gonna hurt you now..."
As she felt her body being pressed against the berth, Nocturne could feel her claustrophobia taking over. Memories assailed her as three worried faces filled her field of vision, memories not of her attacker or the torture he had subjected her to, but of that horrible sensation she had felt within her spark, through their bond...
Pain...
It had been pain she had felt, so cold and distant it almost seemed like a dream...
But it hadn't been a dream.
It had been real.
And it had belonged to him... to Soundwave...
A whimper escaped Nocturne's vocalizer as panic filled her systems; was that why she could no longer feel him?
Starscream's device had blocked the link completely, had suffocated the bond she shared with Soundwave to the point where she had barely been able to feel him... But the collar was gone now, there was no barrier between them...
Why couldn't she feel him, then? Why couldn't she feel his presence, online or not?
Her mind screamed out silently, echoing the voice of her spark. The link was dead, her mind no longer sensing the presence of the six beings she'd grown so accustomed to.
But the pain of losing the link was nothing. It was the severance of the bond, the intimate, ever-present flow of sensations and emotions, that brought devastation to Nocturne's aching spark.
Why did she suddenly feel as though she had been torn in two; as if part of her had shrivelled and died?
Desolation of the most cold and crushing kind flooded her systems, extinguishing all light and hope.
Had he...shutdown?
"No..." she murmured out aloud, momentarily losing herself to the storm within her processor.
"Hey, hey now..."
There was no other explanation, nothing else that could make sense of the emptiness she now felt inside.
He was gone. Without realising it, a hollow cry escaped her vocaliser.
"Shh...shhh, it's ok sweetspark...just relax...relax..."
Hands...
Hands were caressing her face gently, soothingly... Nocturne suddenly realised she had offlined her optics.
Those concerned faces greeted her consciousness again as she brought them online, returning her to reality. There was no way she could allow her comrades to know the reason for her suffering; to tell them the truth was to admit her weakness, her treason...her sickness. She cycled air through her vents in an attempt to calm herself, she couldn't lose control again, she had to focus...
Nocturne stared up at the warm orange ceiling plates above her, not willing to meet the optics of her companions. Blaster continued to caress her face, his hand gripping hers tightly, but the sensation of his touch did nothing to calm her.
It wasn't his touch she wanted.
"Take it easy now, Nocturne," Ratchet said, "just keep cycling your vents, try to calm yourself...that's the way..."
"I...I'm sorry," she said with the ghost of a voice, embarrassment sneaking into the already potent mix of sorrow and fear. "I didn't mean to..."
"There's no need to apologise, Nocturne. You've been through a rough time, it's only natural for your systems to be behaving as they are."
"Ratchet is right, sweetspark," Blaster said, squeezing her hand. "It's those stinking Decepticon slaggers that should be apologising, not you."
Nocturne turned her head to look at Blaster; his optics flared in absolute rage as he met her gaze.
"I swear I'll make them pay for this, Nocturne..." he continued. "And I swear it will be Soundwave that..."
"Blaster, now is not the time," Optimus chastised him; there was no anger in his tone but the severity of his command was clear. The communicator bowed his head.
"Sorry Nocturne," he said, looking into her optics again.
But Nocturne didn't hear his apology, didn't even see his face placed so close to hers.
His name... Blaster had mentioned his name, had threatened him as if he was still functional...
Was it possible?
Was it possible that he was still functional? Nocturne's spark gripped on to that glimmering slither of hope as if her very life depended on it. She looked up at the three mechs with tired optics.
"Now, Nocturne," Ratchet said gently. "If I may, I'd like to perform a full examination, just to make sure things are as they should be. Would that be okay with you?"
Nocturne shook her head, looking away again.
"I'm fine...please... I don't want a fuss..."
"Nocturne," Optimus Prime spoke again. "I understand this revision may be very uncomfortable for you, which is why I'll leave you with Ratchet so you can talk to him in private. If you prefer Blaster to stay with you, I will grant him permission."
Nocturne hesitated. She remembered now, her head impacting the wall with a devastating force, Starscream touching her with nothing more than lust and bestiality…
A renewed sensation of fear gripped Nocturne's systems as her processor suddenly unleashed a torrent of memories...the humiliation of being chained, those fingers invading her chest, so very close to her intimacy; hanging helplessly as that monster attempted to take her dignity...
And he had succeeded to a point, too.
Nocturne couldn't suppress the tremble of her structure as she re-lived those moments of torture, but she refused to succumb to fear. She had to remain strong, she had to rise above it... She was safe now, safe where she belonged.
Where she belonged...
Another memory appeared within the swirling chaos of her mind.
"If I released you… would you leave?"
"It is here where I want to belong."
Her processor dared to say his name, the name she knew her vocalizer was forbidden from saying.
Soundwave…
She bit her lip components as she tried to establish priorities, or perhaps appearances would be a better name. Aware that she was computing thoughts she wasn't allowed to have, she also understood who she was and what was expected from her. There was no way she could disobey a direct order from Optimus Prime, even less one concerning her own safety.
"I… understand… I'll talk to medic Ratchet… but I'd prefer to do it alone."
"But Nocturne... Sweetspark, you don't have to do this alone," Blaster protested, tightening his grip on her hand. "I can stay with you, I don't mind, really..."
"Please, Blaster...I know you mean well but..."
"I know you're scared but, Nocturne, I'm here for you now. I'll be here every step of the way... Primus, Nocturne...I won't let you go through this alone..."
Nocturne slowly liberated her hand, sitting up on the berth despite Blaster's immediate attempt to stop her again. She could see fear in his optics, the anger and the desperation... the same look was mirrored in the expressions of Ratchet and Optimus Prime too.
She knew what they were all thinking. It was exactly what she had been expecting when she had been captured, after all.
Suddenly, her discomfort increased.
She had a secret now...
A secret that could be discovered by trained optics...
A secret that would condemn her as a traitor...
"I want to talk to Ratchet alone," she said firmly, addressing not Blaster but the Prime himself.
She had to protect her secret...she had to protect him...
And there was no way that would happen with Blaster insisting something was wrong.
Panic began to fill her systems again as a million thoughts flooded her processor, terrified by what she knew she was about to face. Her fingers trembled slightly as she watched Optimus Prime and Ratchet ushering Blaster out of the Repair Bay, his desperate cries of protest still audible even as the doors closed behind him.
As Ratchet approached her slowly, Nocturne realised the time had come to face reality. Biting her lip components she braced herself against the onslaught she knew was coming...
To be continued.
Among all the universes created by the fans concerning love relationships between Transformers, the word bondmate is the one that surfaces the most. But as it happens with humans, we believe that one Transformer interfacing, and indeed bonding, with another one doesn't make them bondmates. Even though they are machines, they are sentient, able to feel lust, love and pleasure, but not precisely at the same time. What we are saying here is that Soundwave and Nocturne have created a physical bond between themselves, but they are not bondmates.
In the case of Soundwave, who is a telepath, a bond of that kind becomes even deeper. But since he and Nocturne are natural enemies, not to mention the fact that they have completely opposite ideologies, everything is complicated and makes it logical for him to cut her off now that they have been separated. But being a physical bond, this isn't an easy thing to achieve.
As Soundwave is a telepath he can use his abilities to cut his end of the bond so that she can't feel him, but he can't break it completely. For him to be cut off, Nocturne would have to be a telepath strong enough to block her own emotions. And since she's not a telepath (she's simply very sensitive and has a controlled mind thanks to millions of vorns of meditation), that's not an option. Even in this case the bond would (and does) still exist.
We hope that clarifies things! As always, thanks for your support so far. Please let us know what you think :-)