This is an honest to goodness real chapter this time- I promise!

I was starting to feel a little like George RR Martin... updates to say it was in progress but still not finished- but would be soon- that gave way to other updates saying the same thing... And I am so sorry. (But at least it didn't take me 7 years to publish the next installment- so there's that. Granted I'm posting 2,000+ words at a time and not a 7,000 page book... meh- details.) Anyway, onward!

To all those who messaged me or left reviews asking about the next chapter or pleading for me not to give up (which I never did)- thank you. Your messages kept this story on my (never ending) to do list and present in my (very cluttered) mind. I never forgot about it or you, but your encouragement and kind words motivated me to work on this in my small moments of free time. I love my new job, but it has kept me VERY busy.

To everyone who waited so patiently, who found this story and followed it or favorited it, thank you. The notifications brought a smile to my face every time they appeared. It's hard to believe this little project of mine got so much support. When I started it I didn't think anyone would want to read what they'd already watched. But it helped ease the pain of a beloved show that was cancelled too soon (and a pairing that didn't really get to be happy)- so I wrote it anyway. Thanks for humoring me- and more than that- embracing my ramblings.

This will be the second to last chapter. There will be one more chapter and an epilogue (which I may attach to the last chapter- if I have it done by then).

I hope to have the last chapter up in the next two weeks (next weekend my family is coming in to town to celebrate some family birthdays).

Thank you again for not giving up on me. Sorry I took so long to update. You all are amazing!

I hope you enjoy it!

Of course I own nothing.

Jimmy

For the next month I am at a loss. I still don't know what to do. I spend hours tallying mental pro and con lists, none of which give me any helpful or decisive answer. She's proud of me. Great. But do I deserve it?

I mean, she's proud of what I've done with the show- I mean, I guess I'm proud of that too. But in other areas of my life? I haven't done much to be proud of…

Unbidden, that other face flashes in my memory. And I've done plenty to be ashamed of. More than ashamed- I should be horrified.

And I am.

Eventually, my mental anguish, lack of sleep, the grueling schedule of appearances, interviews and performances combined with the stress of it all is making me sick. Literally. I've had this scratchy throat and cough for weeks now. My sinuses are full of concrete and I feel like I have a perpetual headache.

But the show must go on right? On stage and off.

Around Karen I work hard to put on a good show. Things are great, normal. We're… well maybe not friends- but good acquaintances. We talk and banter when we're together, putting on a show for the interviewer. It's awards season after all and while we may be the hot new show we still have a steep hill to climb if we want to have our show considered- and we have less time to do it. Jerry and Derek have this master plan that involves anyone with a camera and/or microphone. Frankly I'm tired of hearing myself talk, but apparently no one else is.

But outside of work… well, things are fine. But we don't really hang out. It's hard, you know? Her words that night are still too fresh in my mind. Hers too probably.

Everything is out on the table, I'm just not able to do anything about it yet.

A few days later, to everyone's surprise, mine especially, we nearly sweep the Outer Critics Choice Awards. I still can't believe my life. This cannot be real. Kyle is nearly beside himself. His dreams are becoming reality- and exceeding any dream he ever had- certainly any that I ever did. It seems greedy and ungrateful to wish for more. But I do.

Only two things could make this better. First, that I hadn't tried to cough up a lung mid-acceptance speech and second, having Karen with me. I mean, she was there- sitting next to me even- but…

I sigh, it's not… I shake my head. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Nothing I suppose.

Which is probably good. Talking to yourself alone while sitting on a stairwell just off stage would probably make you a crazy person.

I take a deep breath and begin to get up so I can get ready for tonight when Karen comes around the corner already dressed as Amanda.

"Jimmy!" Apparently she's been looking for me.

I rub my face, wiping away my thoughts. And maybe massaging my forehead a little, hoping it'll ease the headache that's been building all day. "I know, I know. I'm late. I'm coming, I just…" I try to cover my cough with a sigh.

"Jimmy, you're sick. And you're losing your voice." Karen's voice is tinged with concern, but I don't want it. I'm not sick. Behind Karen, I can see Kyle has found me as well.

"No," my denial is cheapened when my voice cracks.

She continues as if I haven't spoken, "Your understudy is going on. You need to rest." Her tone has a ring of finality to it.

My voice is harsh, rough, and not helping my cause. But I make my case anyway, "It's the last night for members of the Tony nomination committee and they're gonna see me, alright?" I'm still a little defensive about the whole understudy business, but more than anything, I want the voters to see a good show. Another cough escapes. My own body is a traitor.

I think I can see some amused affection on the edges of her smile as she teases, "What's the matter? You afraid they might like him better?" This is the Karen I fell in love with, and my inability to have her grates on me- being sick doesn't help.

It causes my reply to come out more sharply than I intended. "Oh come on." I snipe, "I am not leaving this theater, Karen." I cringe at my own tone. And arguing isn't helping my headache. I rest my head in my hands, massaging my temples.

"Ok, then don't," she says simply.

I look up in surprise. I won that argument?

But I see something in her hand. "What's that?" I blink to focus as she holds it out to me.

"Tickets. You and Kyle are gonna sit and watch what you created." I stare at her uncomprehendingly for a moment. Why would Kyle need a ticket? He sees the show every night-

But never as just an audience member I realize. He's always in the wings or taking notes, thinking about changes, things that need to be fixed. He should enjoy the show he dreamed up.

As realization dawns, she smiles and turns to go, quirking her eyebrow at me in triumph as she does.

She squeezes Kyle's shoulder as she walks out the door. His eyes are curious as he looks between us. I shake my head before dropping it into my hands again.

I can't help but smile as I watch Karen onstage. She's incredible, as always. A hundred memories of watching her perform over the last months pass through my mind. And yet every time is like the first. I don't think I'll ever tire of this.

I look around the theater at all the smiling faces, nodding along with the music. Kyle is beaming. It fills me with pride to see what he and I have done. That is a strange feeling, but there it is. I'm proud of us. Of me.

I feel like that's important somehow.

After the show, Kyle goes to talk to Ana and I duck outside, lurking at the stage door with my playbill, a smirk toying on my lips that I can't seem to make go away. I can hear her getting closer.

Hood on, head ducked, concealing my face, she takes the playbill from my hand. "Who can I make it out too?"

"Jimmy." She looks up at me at last. She smiles when she recognizes my voice and I grin wider and chuckle as she snatches the hood off my head.

She laughs, whacking my arm with my playbill. "Stupid. So, what'd you think?"

I scratch the back of my head, suddenly a little embarrassed about my prank- and unnerved by her closeness. We're only inches apart. Outside of the show, we haven't been this close together since the night she broke up with me. But I push those thoughts away.

"Uh well… it was incredible," I say honestly as I take my playbill back from her to have something to do with my hands. I give a small embarrassed laugh and play punch her arm to try and lighten the emotion I can feel building in me. "You were on fire out there."

She nods, smiling, "It's fun."

Kyle joins us then, "You ready to go?"

I look at Karen for a minute and she smiles at me. "Get some rest. I did miss my co-star up there." She squeezes my arm.

"Thanks for tonight." I tell her sincerely, "It was great." Our eyes meet and the moment lengthens, even as the space between us seems to be shrinking.

The tension is broken when I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Kyle has turned, looking away, down the street. I give an embarrassed cough. "Well, see you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Karen's response is distracted. She looks down and smiles, looking back up at me. "See you tomorrow."

Kyle and I turn and head toward the line of cabs before I look back at Karen, watching her walk away. Kyle, unable to maintain his silence finally breaks it. "Ok, I haven't asked- and I've wanted to- but WHAT is going on with you two? You haven't told me anything since you broke up…" he leaves that hanging for a moment before adding, "and WHY was that again? You never really said." I'm pretty surprised at his restraint. I'm sure he's been dying to ask me the last for over a month now.

He looks at me, curiosity and concern mixed on his face. I stare back at him for a moment, before turning my head to face forward again. I pull my hands to my face, blowing on them to warm them. It's chilly tonight. A little anyway. Enough that the movement is believable and not so obvious that I'm stalling- debating what to tell him. I rub them together a few times before dropping them back to my sides.

My breath comes out in a sigh and I shrug as I admit truthfully, "Nothing. Nothing is going on between us. Just…" I search for the right word, "co-workers." I give him a rueful half smile. "Everything's fine, man." I look down, watching my shoes scuff over the dirty sidewalk. "It's…" I give a huff- somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. "It's fine."

He shakes his head, "Somehow I don't quite believe that," he doesn't press the issue though. We walk in silence for a moment before he reminds me he had more than one question.

"So… what happened before? I never really heard what happened."

I raise an eyebrow at him. I'm pretty sure that he and Karen have talked, and probably in great detail, about our break up. "Really." Skepticism drips from the single word. "Did you and Karen stop being friends at some point?" I roll my eyes at him. "You really expect me to believe you two didn't talk about this?"

He tilts his head in acknowledgement. That's nice at least. He's not planning to outright lie to my face.

I shake off the thought.

"We did talk some," he allows. "But maybe you need to talk about it? Tell your side?"

I bark a laugh. "My side?" I huff again. "That's a good one." I look down and shake my head before looking back up at him. "My side was that I stood there while she told me we couldn't be together." It comes out more bitterly than I intended. I shake it off, she was right after all- I wasn't ready to be with her- maybe I never will be. "But then I probably deserved that- I did tell her to sleep with Derek." I scrub my hands over my face. Why am I such an idiot sometimes?

Kyle makes a noise of surprise and disgust. "You did WHAT?"

I guess she didn't tell him that… "I don't know, man. It was just one of those things that I said- everything was going well- and I freaked out. I…" I close my eyes. "I had this… vision, I guess. This picture in my head of us- together- like a future or something and…" I trail off. "And I was… I dunno- scared I'd mess it up. So I ran from it- from her. I pushed her away before I could wreck everything."

Kyle stops walking and turns to face me, forcing me to stop too. "What is wrong with you?" he demands. "What else do you think you need to do to deserve her- to deserve to be happy? You of all people deserve happiness." His words cut to the heart of things.

"I'm not so sure about that. I mean… I've done things, Kyle." He should know.

"I know that, Jimmy. And I know how hard you've worked to overcome all that. You deserve this- you deserve her." He looks at me- forcing me to meet his eyes. "Have you lived a perfect life? No. Have you made all the right choices? No. But have you worked to make yourself better? To overcome things that would have been impossible for others to overcome? Yes." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Jimmy, it is a miracle you aren't dead in an alley or in jail after all you've been through. Instead, you're clean, sober, healthy... ish," he allows. "And successful. You're on Broadway- not only as a composer, but an actor too- and an award winning composer at that."

"So, don't you think I've about reached the limit of good that can happen to someone like me? Why would I get someone like Karen too?"

Kyle scoffs and rolls his eyes. "You have to stop thinking like that. Karen chose you- she wants you- she's waiting for you to get your shit together. You know, she hasn't even been on a date since you broke up. She loves you, Jimmy- and you love her. What is keeping you from realizing that?"

I toe the ground. "I know I do. I mean, I guess that's what it is."

"Then tell her! What is the problem?" he demands.

I sigh. "The issue wasn't whether or not I loved her- I mean, even if I couldn't have called it that then, I knew I had feelings for her and wanted to be with her." I look skyward, trying to explain it without sounding like an idiot. "It was that I kept pushing her away because I couldn't accept that she loved me- that I deserved it. And I guess she's right." I look at him. "I don't feel like I do." I shrug, trying to make it seem unimportant.

"Jimmy. That is the dum.." he stops himself. "Why? Why do you feel that way?"

I look at him for a long moment. I think I know the reason now. Weeks of sleeplessness have given me the only answer I can think of. Why would I have told Karen the worst thing I've ever done when any number of other things would have sufficed to quell her curiosity. The answer came to me about a week ago.

I wanted someone to know. I needed someone to know. Speaking it out loud admitted the guilt I've felt- without realizing it- for the last 5 years.

Kyle looks at me, waiting. "There's something I need to do- will you go with me?"

So I realized after I picked the chapter break that this was all Jimmy's POV. We will hear from Karen in the next chapter, but right now, he's got to sort his stuff out.

What'd you think?