AN: Because of the Christmas hiatus of HIMYM a month goes by between when Barney and Robin get back together in 8.12 and when the show picks back up again in 8.13 (and I know Robin said "It's been three days since I said 'yes'" but clearly that was a continuity error because they got back together right before Christmas in an episode that aired on 12/17 and the very next episode that she makes that comment in takes place in January as stated by the characters and aired on 1/14, so it's actually been four weeks. Therefore the three days statement makes no sense and I'll be ignoring it in my story). I didn't want to skip over this time that constitutes the new beginning of their relationship so I've added it on to the front of 8.13's chapter. My hope is to make it a seamless blend from the time period we missed on the show to when it picks back up again in "Band or DJ?".
I've tried to cover anything specifically mentioned on the show as having happened during this time, like spending Christmas with Barney's family, Carly and the engagement ring, and the start of Barney's panic attacks. I've also added in some of the more meta elements, such as Barney's real life tweets "Christmas makes me horny" (which I give a scene to rather than actually refer to) and "Robin and I JUST finished celebrating our engagement. Horizontally speaking" as well as his actual Facebook status update and a canon setting for that lovely new cast picture of the gang in the booth.
Band or DJ?
Never had much faith in love or miracles
Never wanna put my heart on the line
But swimming in your world is something spiritual
I'm born again every time you spend the night….
Can I just stay here?
Spend the rest of my days here?
Slowly waking up the next morning, the first thing Robin is aware of is heat emanating from the other side of the bed that's been cold for weeks. She stirs under the covers and her hand comes into contact with a warm, hard chest – and that's when it all comes flooding back to her: finally confronting her feelings for Barney, rushing to stop him from proposing to Patrice, discovering that everything she thought she knew for the past weeks had been pretend, a ploy to win her back, because Barney does love her and she's the one he wants to marry.
As sleep gives over to complete awareness she can now feel the engagement ring on her finger and her eyes flutter open to see that she's indeed lying next to Barney in his bed, the two of them still nude from the lovemaking that wore into the early hours before they both gave in to sheer exhaustion. She stretches and can feel the delicious ache in her muscles that testifies to their acrobatics last night and earlier this morning. Robin smiles to herself, thinking that Ted was definitely wrong when he said nothing good happens after two a.m. Shifting in the bed, she rolls closer to Barney, snuggling against him and laying her arm across his chest.
The movement causes him to stir now. Truth be told, he's been mostly awake for at least the past five minutes but he's been trying to ward off full consciousness, wanting desperately to hang on to the edge of that dream world where Robin is with him, where the play had worked, she'd said 'yes', and they just spent the past hours in bed together getting lost in each other and making up for all the time they wasted apart. But now that Barney can feel her warmth pressing against his side and her gentle touch along his chest, he opens his eyes to sees hers looking into his, deep blue and hazy with love. He smiles, wraps his arms around her, and immediately reaches for her left hand. Bringing her hand up within his line of sight, he sees the engagement ring still there on her finger and his smile grows. "Not a dream," he whispers reverently.
His voice is soft and sleepy and it makes Robin shiver. Being privy to such an intimate moment again of gently waking up beside each other, getting to experience him just seconds outside of sleep and hear all that love and relief in his tone after discovering he hadn't dreamed this up either, is an amazing feeling that she can't even begin to describe. Just warm and bright and happy. "No, not a dream," she confirms.
It's real. He never has to cling to dreams again. His reality is everything he ever wanted and far better than any dream could ever be. Barney's just wrapping his mind around the beauty of that when Robin buries her face in the crook of his neck, kissing him there, and he experiences an even deeper level of loveliness. "God, I've missed you." He has. He's missed her so much. He missed these lazy mornings in bed together, and just being able to touch her and kiss her and hold her in his arms – and be touched and kissed and held by her.
Robin smiles. "I missed you too. And now we never have to miss each other again." Cupping her hand to his cheek she softly kisses him, loving that she has the freedom to do so now whenever she wants – which is nearly always.
Barney kisses her back, his hand slipping beneath the sheet to stroke lazily over her body, over places he was forbidden to touch just the day before but now the smooth, bare skin of her every intoxicating curve is open to him – and you'd better believe he's going to play there.
She lets out a low, throaty laugh at the way he's fondling her beneath the covers only minutes after waking up. "You're very predictable."
"I just know what I like," he informs her, all traces of sleep now gone from his voice as he presses her back against the pillows, brushing the sheets aside to kiss his way down her chest and enjoy her with his mouth now; his hands aren't the only ones who get to play.
Robin sighs and gives herself over to his kisses, to his teeth scraping over her, to the soft, wet suction of his mouth and the way it's making her blood rush and her body throb. She reaches down, burying her hands in his hair – keeping his lips pressed to her skin lest he even think about moving away – when a glint of sunlight through the open curtains catches the diamond on her ring and draws her attention. She hadn't really studied the ring the night before. Her mind was too wrapped up in its sheer existence to take in the details. She would have accepted a Cracker Jack ring from Barney but…..man, that is some rock if she does say so herself. "This is one amazing ring, Barney," she tells him, working her fingers through his hair as his mouth continues to do marvelous things to her breast, his tongue lapping over and curling around her to the point of practically being an additional ambidextrous digit. "I can't believe you bought this for me not even knowing if I'd say 'yes'."
Barney's lips pause against her skin and she glances down at him, wondering why he's stopped. "Actually, I didn't buy it," he admits, looking up at her. "I would have. I would have bought you anything to get you to agree to marry me. I would have scoured every jewelry store in the city to find you the perfect ring, if I hadn't already found one."
"What do you mean?" She knows it's not the same ring he had for Quinn. She could recognize that immediately. Plus, just no. Even Barney would understand that was wrong. But why did he already have a ring?
He slides back up her body, leaning his elbow beside her so he can look her in the eyes. "This…" He touches the diamond, twisting it back and forth on her finger. "…This is a very special ring. It's a Whittaker family heirloom, passed down for generations. My dad first showed it to me when – " He cuts himself off, realizing the folly of mentioning another woman while they're lying naked in bed and she can very plainly feel his erection pressing against her thigh.
But Robin sees through Barney easily. "When you got engaged to Quinn," she finishes for him. "But you bought her a different ring."
"I didn't want her wearing the family ring. I knew….I knew it wasn't right, let's put it that way. But you should be wearing it. You were there with me when I found out who my dad was, and in way he helped bring us back together. You're going to be my wife. You'll be part of my family – you already are. The Whittaker ring has a special meaning and I knew it had to be on your finger."
Knowing all this makes Robin love the ring even more. She isn't bothered one bit by the fact that he hadn't dropped a small fortune on it. She's seen him spend ridiculous amounts of money on all manner of frivolous things without blinking an eye. Buying the ring for her wouldn't have been any particular gesture, but wanting her to wear his family ring that means something. That signifies true love and a deep desire to make her his wife, bring her into his family, and build a lasting marriage together. "I love it. I'm proud to wear your family ring, Barney. And you know something else?" she asks, rolling on top of him.
"What?" He brushes her hair back away from her face with one hand while using the other to stoke over her body from her shoulder down, coming to a stop cupping her behind.
"Hearing you say all that makes me really hot for you." And she kisses him with a fervor that fully supports her claim.
Eventually they order in breakfast, because neither one wants to bother to make it, and they take it back to bed with them – an omelet for him and Belgian waffles for her with whipped cream and extra maple syrup. While they're eating the conversation drifts to "The Robin" and how he'd ever managed to pull that off for the past five weeks without anyone knowing.
"I am the master," Barney proclaims.
"I was onto you at first," Robin counters. "I told everyone you were doing it for my benefit. It was when you ignored all my plays that changed my mind. I thought, 'There is no way Barney Stinson would turn down a blatant offer of sex unless he truly is in love'."
"In a way you were right; you just had the woman wrong. I wanted you for a whole lot more than just one night." He shrugs mischievously. "So I couldn't let you have a piece of this until you were ready to admit how you felt about me."
"Ugh, I still can't believe the way I acted. And that you knew what I was doing all along, predicted it even."
"Not entirely, just the 'Robin goes nuts' part of it. I thought you'd try to get my attention back on you, try to make me want you, that sort of thing. But actual plays I did not see coming. Nice," he nods in appreciation. "No, you trying so hard to have sex with me was surprising. It was much more than I expected."
She groans in embarrassment. "Dressing up, resorting to girl-on-girl, throwing myself at you that way….You must have thought I was a fool. Or just easy."
Barney laughs at that. "Nothing about you, Robin, has ever been easy. But I won't deny it felt good seeing you want me that way again, that much."
"I always wanted you that way. If you would have played your cards right," Robin impertinently informs him, "I was ready to have some insane sex with you the night of Punchy's wedding
He looks at her wide-eyed. "Really?"
"Yes, really. Well, first I was going to tell you that I can't shake the feeling we belong together, and then we were gonna have insane sex."
He shakes his head at all they've missed out on, recognizing those were the words she fed him to say to Nora instead.
"But you had to take a call from someone else," she teases.
Catching on to her playful mood, Barney puts in, "When we were about to run upstairs out of the rain and have repeated we-just-survived-a-hurricane-and-by-the-way-I-still-love-you sex, you were the one who had to take a call that time."
"That was from my dad," Robin counters in mock outrage, "during a natural emergency. And, by-the-way-I-still-love-you sex? Is that what we were about to do?"
"That's what I wanted to do. Didn't you?" She just smirks in reply which he takes as her ladylike way of saying she would have banged him good. "Yeah, I can safely say sex is what it would have led to. We were about to kiss. When have we ever been able to stop at just kissing?"
"Never," she concedes, and they exchange a look that's so heated it makes Barney put his nearly empty plate on the nightstand in preparation for better things than food. "It's a good thing I did take that call then," she reasons. "Marshall and Lily and Ted were just down the street boogie boarding when we almost kissed. Can you imagine if we started going at it while they were right there and found us?"
While she'd clearly meant it as an embarrassment they avoided, there's something distinct in her tone that lets him know it would have been more thrilling than humiliating. She's always had a kink toward exhibitionism. The potential danger of getting caught has always done it for her.
"I honestly don't know if I could have stopped," she confesses. "Look what happened in that cab a couple months later."
"Are you kidding? You wouldn't have stopped. The three of them walking in on us would have gotten you there in a heartbeat though." She frowns but doesn't deny his allegation. "Eh, it would've been good for them. They could have learned a thing or two."
"You're an idiot," she smiles, shaking her head as she takes her last bite of waffle. "I can't believe it took a play to finally get us back together."
Barney reaches over into Robin's lap, taking her plate and setting it down on the other nightstand. He put boxers on to eat breakfast but she has no clothes to wear other than his discarded shirt from the night before. "Oh admit it," he insists, pushing the collar of her shirt further open. "You love it." Swiping his finger across a bit of leftover whipped cream on her plate, he wipes it on her neck, promptly sucking it away. "You love it when I'm wild and crazy."
"I won't admit any such thing."
He starts unbuttoning her shirt. "Say it."
The backs of his fingers ghosting over her bare skin are maddeningly provocative. "I – I don't always – " Now that it's unbuttoned he opens the shirt fully, spreading the sides, and the anticipation of what he's about to do to her makes her ache in all the good places. "I – " She cuts off when he smears another dollop of whipped cream and syrup over her breast and bends to lick it away. Groaning softly at the thorough laving he's treating her to, she finally gives in. "Okay, I love it. I love you when you're like that."
He looks up from what his tongue is doing. "Tell me again," he requests, and there's something less of boastfulness in his tone now and more of actual need coming from the place that thought he'd lost her forever, that feared she would always consider him and his past not quite good enough.
"I love you, Barney. You've got me. I'm absolutely yours. I always will be."
That lights a fire in him and he jumps on her with abandon, then she on him, switching their positions so she can wriggle out of the shirt, throwing it over her shoulder as he leans up to kiss her neck. They keep switching over that way, rolling like waves on the mattress, but in Barney's king-size bed they manage to avoid rolling off altogether which is an improvement over their secret nights back in her old bedroom.
Finally they find agreeable purchase with Barney on top kissing her enthusiastically – insatiably – as they make love. He pins Robin's arms down in way he can tell she likes by how eagerly she bites at his shoulder and moans his name. There's something hungry and wild about it this time that's hot enough to make her see stars, and when he finally lets go of her hands she grabs onto him fiercely, her heart racing and her fingers digging into his back as pleasure burns through her and she cries out in climax, Barney following after.
The rest of the day and night goes pretty much like that, pausing for conversation and meals before going at each other again on a repeat loop until they're both spent and eventually fall asleep.
The nest morning they mutually and very quickly decide that one full day together undisturbed is not enough, and they both call in sick to work. Robin manages to wrest herself up and into the bathroom and she's just about to ask Barney if he wants to join her in the shower when she walks in on him in a rather disconcerting scene. He's sitting on the bed outside of the covers but still entirely naked with only his laptop as covering. She has to know what he's doing.
She comes to join him, still wearing nothing but his shirt – this one a t-shirt of his she found that he keeps for working out at the gym. "Please tell me you're not resorting to porn already," she teases him. "A man your age can't possibly want more sex than what we're having."
"I'm changing my Facebook status to 'Engaged to Robin Scherbatsky'," he tells her with a grin.
"Let me see." She comes close to peer over his shoulder and, indeed, he has posted that as his status, letting the whole cyber world know he's off limits.
"And, hey, there's nothing wrong with my age. I'm still young and virile."
The way he leers overdramatically at her is just ridiculous enough to be adorable, and he is right about his age. Younger men have nothing on him in either stamina or recovery time. She has a feeling as they grow older that will be the plus side of marrying a man with a voracious libido, especially entering her dirty thirties and naughty forties. "Yes, you are," she agrees, setting the computer aside and climbing onto him. She kisses his cheeks, his forehead, his temples, and the corners of his eyes. The mood changes when she licks his ear and then can't resist fully sucking the lobe. By the time she gets to his mouth he has ideas of his own about kissing some of her body parts, and they don't emerge from the bedroom and get around to that shower until over an hour later when they've both been thoroughly kissed.
After that, Robin absolutely insists they get dressed and go to her place to get her some clothes and basic toiletries. It forces them to go out into society but they can restrain themselves for the length of a cab ride. Once they arrive at her apartment, however, Barney has other plans.
"We have to christen the place."
"Come again?"
"You and me." His voice drops an octave as he adds, "We need to break in your bed."
"Ahh, I see."
"And various other surfaces." Barney gets that bright, excited look on his face he always has when he's about to launch into one of his theories, schemes, or crazy stories. "The way it works with any new space is that we have to do it in every room. That's the Law of Christening."
"But my apartment isn't new. I've had it all year," Robin reasons, which is usually a mistake with Barney since his rules rarely have any basis in common sense.
"Yeah, but it's new to us. We already christened my apartment years ago – and you and Ted's old apartment, and parts of Marshall and Lily's old apartment, and MacLaren's, and GNB and the Come On, Get Up New York! studio." His forehead crinkles in thought. "We've had sex in a lot of places."
Robin nods.
"We'll have to do the new GNB building now, and Ted's place, and World Wide News too," he exclaims, increasingly thrilled at the prospects.
"Hey, we could've had that one already. I tried," Robin points out.
"Anyway, we rechristened my place over the weekend. Now it's your apartment's turn."
"Alright," she gives in. It was pretty much a guarantee they'd end up having sex there anyway. "But can we at least get through the door?" she asks dropping her keys into the bowl on the kitchen counter.
"Sorry," Barney offers as he watches her lock the apartment door and hang up her coat. "It's just that it's exciting." She takes his coat from him and walks over to do the same thing. "I've wanted to do this since the very first time I came here."
"Wait," Robin says, turning to look back at him. "The first time you came to my apartment was on a double date with me and Nick after Quinn found out about us and everyone met Nick for the first time and then she insisted we four all get to know each other."
"Yeah? So?"
"So, you were dying to have sex with me in every room of my new apartment one week after you'd just gotten engaged to Quinn?"
"Yep," he says simply. When she gives him a look, he shrugs. "I told you I wanted you to stop me. You didn't, but that couldn't magically keep me from wanting you."
"Hm." She closes the closet door, considering that and deciding she rather likes knowing she was the object of his sexual fantasies even when he was with someone else. Try as she might, he did creep into hers during that time period too. The only difference seems to be that she'd banish such fantasies and he apparently indulged his. "Well, where do we start this christening? The bedroom?"
"It's as good a place as any," he remarks distractedly, busy admiring her all over again in that knockout dress.
"The great thing about being on my home turf is I can put on some sexy lingerie for you now. Yesterday I had to go around in just your shirt, and the night before I wasn't wearing any underwear at all."
"And you notice I wasn't complaining either day. Feel free to go commando whenever you want."
"Duly noted," Robin says, stepping closer to him. "But I know you're a fan of a nice bustier and thong."
"I like babydoll lingerie too with see-through lace – and stockings," Barney adds, his voice emotive. Women's underwear is one of his most impassioned topics.
She smiles, looping her arms around his neck. "I know you do."
"Ooh, ooh! Can you wear that same thing you had on when you stripped at my door? The trench coat too. We can totally reenact it. Only this time I'll do everything I would have done if I didn't have to turn you down." He thinks back on it, his body practically quivering with eagerness. "I wanted to rip that off you with my teeth. Mmm," he hums, imagining doing just that.
"Easy there, tiger," she laughs, dropping a kiss to his lips but pulling back before he can turn it into more. "You wait here. I'll go change."
By the evening, they've ruined Robin's silk stocking but thoroughly christened her bedroom – and the kitchen too after they come out in search of dinner. Cereal was the best she could dig up on zero notice. But, shuffling up behind her, Barney was much more interested in the way Robin looked in the little babydoll nightie she'd changed into for him. Rather than dinner he had her, bent over the kitchen counter, but it ended in soft kisses down her spine and a spectacular orgasm so Robin didn't mind in the least that in their fervor they spilled the cereal all over the floor. They just cleaned it up afterwards and ordered Chinese.
And that's how they end up in the living room, sitting on Robin's couch with her bare legs spread over his lap while they watch TV.
Five minutes into Letterman, Barney screws up the courage to say, "Now that we have a minute, there's something I've been meaning to ask you."
"This sounds serious."
"It kind of is. Well, not really, but you might think it is. But not in comparison to 'will you marry me?'. And since you agreed to marry me – which is a huge deal – then you may not think this is such a big deal after all."
"Barney," she looks at him in surprise, "just spit it out." He has a tendency to ramble and argue with himself when he gets nervous or stressed, but since he's always choosing to be awesome instead it's a condition they so rarely see him in that sometimes she forgets he can get like this.
"Okay." He takes a deep breath. "I was wondering if we could spend Christmas with my family. When I went to see my dad to get the ring I told him I was going to propose to you. He was super excited; he loves you."
Robin smiles at that, not above the girlish notion of being pleased that his family likes her. But she also can't pass up the opportunity to harass him a little. "Both of us being Canadian and all." When he playfully scowls, she retorts, "Don't frown at me, One-quarter. It's my personal theory that I have that twenty-five percent Canadian in you to thank for making you such a generous lover."
"But I'm only a generous lover with you, so I hardly think we can credit Canada," he mocks, but his hand that had been resting on her calf for the past hour takes to softly stroking the length of her leg now.
"It's just because you looove me so much then, hmm?" she teases.
"Something like that," Barney allows, smiling. "But my dad really would like you to come. And so would I. I want to spend Christmas with you, introduce you to the rest of my family, stuff ourselves eating Cheryl's turkey….and then maybe later I can stuff you," he suggests, waggling his eyebrow.
"Barney," she laughs, "I would love to come."
Now the waggling eyebrow all but hits the ceiling and he smirks, "Oh, really? Well, I can – "
"You know what I meant," she interrupts, stopping whatever sordid thing he was about to say.
"Yeah, I do," he lets it go. "It'll be good. I think we'll have fun – or, you know, as much fun as you can have at a family Christmas where everyone wears matching sweaters."
Her eyes widen in horror. "Do we have to wear – "
"No," he assures her in disgust. "Seriously? Since when have you known me to suit down?"
"I haven't much known you to propose marriage either, but point taken," Robin concedes.
They slip into a several minutes of silence, both watching Letterman again as Barney's fingers slowly edge over her legs from ankle to knee. "It is nice though," he eventually says.
"What is?"
"Not needing to pretend there's some major reason why you have to be there. Getting to own the fact that I just want to spend time with you without making up some flimsy excuse."
"Like needing a strip club agent?"
"Or having a sudden pressing need to help me win the Murtaugh bet?" he counters, because he's not the only one who made up silly excuses to be together.
"Hey, that was to preserve the integrity of the bet. And to beat Ted. And…..so I could grind with you at a rave all night," she finally admits.
"I knew it!"
"The joke was on me. It's not like you were much fun with an injured back and an infected ear."
"I was loads of fun. You loved it."
"I did," she fesses up. "I've loved all our adventures. Now we can still have them, only we won't have to pretend we don't want to have sex with each other in the middle."
"What are you talking about? Now we can stop and actually have sex with each other in the middle." He raises his hand for a high five that she already anticipated and easily meets halfway. They both grin, and then his hand goes right back to massaging up her leg.
As the night wears on those soft touches creep higher and higher, edging so close to somewhere very nice but always skirting back away at the last second. Finally, when they get up to throw away the empty Chinese food containers, Robin can't take it any longer and launches herself at him, attacking his mouth. Barney knew what he was doing, getting her all worked up for more, but he hadn't expected an immediate full-on assault. Always game, though, it quickly progresses into the two of them having sex on her table until she reminds Barney that they really should be christening the living room since the table mostly counts as the kitchen and they've already crossed that off. So he scoops her up into his arms and moves them both back onto the couch where they finish with her on his lap.
They never make it back to Barney's, spending the night in Robin's smaller bed, but since they've spent the past two tangled up in the middle of his anyway they don't much notice the difference.
In the morning they christen the last remaining room when soaping each other down in the shower leads to something much dirtier. And, before they both leave for work, Robin makes sure to grab a suitcase full of things to take back to Barney's place that's quickly becoming their temporary place already.
Robin spends her first morning back at WWN apologizing to Patrice. The two women had already squared things away after the unfortunate near-firing incident, but Robin feels even more terrible now that she knows it was all just an act and Patrice was actually trying to help her and Barney. But Patrice will hear nothing of it. She's over the moon to hear about Robin's engagement to Barney. Their wedding is all she wants to talk about, how excited she is for Robin and how she always knew Robin was in love with him.
But that night is sure to prove a little more difficult.
Robin and Barney have been flying below the radar these past two days, living in their own little bubble. They haven't spoken to any of the gang outside of those quick texts the night of Ted's opening and their engagement, so this will be the first time explaining exactly what happened and just how they ended up engaged in the first place. While they're both hoping for their friends' excitement they're also bracing themselves for the alternative. By Barney's estimates Ted already gave his blessing, but that was before they went straight to an engagement – and neither one of them is looking forward to a lecture.
They've all decided to meet at MacLaren's, and since Mickey's busy trying to sell board games at a kiosk he rented out for Christmas and Marshall and Lily's backup sitter also bailed last minute, 'they' even includes little Marvin tonight – because MacLaren's is a restaurant, not a bar, as long as it serves food.
Barney and Robin are the last to arrive and by the time they get there Marshall and Lily are already sitting on the side of the booth closest to the bar with Marvin at Lily's side in a high chair and Ted is seated opposite them. Barney pulls up the extra chair for himself so Robin can sit in the booth….and then it's time for the interrogation.
"So how on earth did you two end up engaged?" Marshall asks, cutting right to the chase.
Lily knows the answer to that – because they've both still been in love with each other for years – but what she's curious to know is, "What happened with Patrice?"
Ted is suspiciously quiet. He's had the past few days to think it over and he smells a rat in all of it. He has the sinking feeling that he was used as a pawn in this whole thing, the way Barney told him he was planning to propose but swore him to secrecy. Why tell him at all then?
"Well," Robin begins, "as it turns out – "
"It was a play," Barney announces triumphantly. "The whole thing was a play. "'The Robin' I call it."
"What?" Lily asks, astonished.
"Here, baby, show them the page," Barney says to Robin.
"I don't have it with me. It's still on the bedroom dresser. Remember, we decided it would be best not to bring it." She's too caught up in exchanging a meaningful look with Barney to notice the way Ted cringes slightly at how freely she mentioned the intimate detail of the dresser in the bedroom she's now sharing with Barney.
"That's right. I've got the pictures on my phone," Barney replies, hauling it out. In his overzealousness to highlight his accomplishment, he momentarily forgot they decided it would be best not to show their friends the actual page of "The Robin" but a photo, and when taking said picture they'd purposefully leave out Steps 12-15 from the shot to save Ted embarrassment. The next picture skips right to showing only Step 16 on the back. Pulling up the pictures, Barney passes his phone to Marshall.
After skimming through them, Marshall hands it over to Lily, who was already trying to see over his shoulder. Lily reads it through, dumbfounded. "So everything with Patrice, that was all a lie?"
"A cleverly acted play designed to win Robin back," Barney corrects.
"Wow. I don't know whether to be impressed or disgusted," Lily marvels.
"We're going with 'impressed'," Robin puts in.
Marshall shakes his head in wonder. "Only Barney could get away with that."
"Well it worked," Barney proclaims, putting his arm around Robin and drawing her in for a kiss. "See said 'yes' and now we're getting married."
"I guess it is rather fitting – almost poetic, really – that he'd use one last play to win his wife," Marshall announces to the others, to which Lily nods and Barney taps his finger to his nose.
"Ted, you're awfully quiet," Robin says.
"Yeah," Barney seconds. "I hope you're not mad that I kinda used you to tell Robin."
"No, no. I'm happy for you," Ted lies.
"Good. Because we really are happy," Robin gushes, turning to smile lovingly at Barney. He instantly returns it, and it's painfully obvious to anyone within the bar – Ted included – that the two of them are crazy in love. "I know I used to swear I'd never get married, but….only to you," she sighs, playing with his lapels, which quickly degenerates into the two of them making out at the end of the booth.
"Alright, rein it in," Marshall gently requests. "Babies are watching – well, only ours because nobody else would have theirs at a bar."
"Restaurant," Lily insists, glaring at him. "It's a restaurant. And we're all happy for you," she assures Robin when she and Barney finally come up for air.
They've stopped kissing but Barney's hand is still very noticeable on Robin's upper thigh beneath the table, and now that he really looks Marshall can see that her hand is high on his inner thigh too – or at least that's what he wants to tell himself she's touching. "So I take it this means we're back to needing to turn a hose on you two?"
"Yeah," Lily exhales, a little overly interested in the details. "I bet you guys are – "
"Boning like crazy?" Barney supplies.
"Riding him hard into the sunset?" Robin adds, and then it becomes a game between them.
"Banging each other's brains out?" Barney provides.
They look at each other and the two of them fall into singing the Bang, Bang song, but then another one comes to Robin. "Nailing each other but good."
"Um…." He stops to think about it, euphemisms running short. "Crushing it steady," he eventually comes out with.
It looks like Barney is about to win when Robin blurts, "Oh, ah, licking the –"
"Okay, that's enough," Ted cuts her off. "We get the picture."
"Seriously, though," Lily says, speaking for the table, "congratulations, you guys. I've known for years now you were it for each other. It's pretty obvious."
"Mm-hmm, sure you did, Lil," Barney chortles.
"Hey, you were the one who first came to me begging for my help because you were madly in love with her."
"You did?" Robin asks Barney.
"A conversation of that nature may have occurred."
"Aww," Robin coos, putting her arm around him and kissing him.
"So, yeah, you have me to thank for all of this," Lily asserts, and Robin knows what she's fishing for.
"Will you be my maid of honor?" Robin asks her.
"Of course!"
Once Barney and Robin assure her they haven't made any plans yet the conversation gradually drifts to other things, chiefly their upcoming plans for Christmas, and it's almost like a normal night at MacLaren's. Even the way Barney and Robin smile adoringly at one another isn't new. Only now they're so far gone in it that they'll periodically lose track of the conversation. Marshall and Lily just laugh. Ted tries his hardest not to look.
In the week since they've gotten back together, Robin's noticed that Barney has slipped into the habit of occasionally calling her 'baby'. Pet names, beyond the way he used to call her Scherbatsky, are something new to them – something she used to claim to hate and something their own insecurities would have never allowed them to use before – but now she finds she doesn't mind. Coming from Barney, 'baby' seems way more natural than 'honey' or 'sweetheart', and she's not sure if she could stomach being anyone's 'sweetie'. She's pretty sure she'd have to shut that down immediately; it would be a definite cause for the use of flugelhorn. But 'baby' she doesn't mind, especially the way he says it, soft and warm and sweet but kind of sexy all at the same time. No, she doesn't mind at all when Barney sometimes calls her 'baby'. Except, she soon discovers, in one circumstance.
They're in his bed getting things going, tongues are tangled, and hands are wandering, and they're kissing passionately. Robin's on top, and he's already inside her, and they're both ready to really throw it down so she sits up to get a steady rhythm going. Flipping her hair back out of her face, she grinds down and it feels incredible.
Judging by Barney's enthusiastic groan, he heartily agrees. She rolls her hips against him again and he grunts. "Mmm, baby. More of that."
Rather than heeding his request it has the opposite affect and she stops altogether. "Don't….don't call me 'baby' when we're having sex." He looks up at her confused. "It doesn't feel like an endearment now," she explains. "It just feels like you forgot my name".
Barney glides his hands up from her waist, ghosting over the sides of her breasts to tuck her hair behind her ears. "Robin," he emphasizes, smiling. "I'll say your name." He cups her face completely now, his thumb stroking over her bottom lip that's already plump and sensitive from his kisses, playing with it, and he watches the fire light in her eyes. "Robin," he whispers softly, tenderly with just an edge of seduction, and he feels her inner muscles tighten around him. He smiles at her reaction, pulling her down for a kiss. As he kisses her, he flips them over so he's now on top. "Is that what you like? For me to say your name? I'll say it over and over again. Robin…. Robin…. Robin…." he teases, thrusting his hips in time to each utterance of her name.
And from that night forward it's established that, unless they're in the midst of a roleplaying game, they only call each other by their given names during sex.
They spend Christmas Eve with Barney's mom but Robin doesn't find that nearly as intimidating as it sounds. She's been around Loretta before and James too – she even spent last Thanksgiving with James and Tom and Eli and Sadie, her soon to be nephew and niece. They all know and love her already, which makes it easy. Eli has a bit of a crush on her, and Sadie seems to adore her too even though Robin won't hold her. Loretta is simply happy and relieved that her advice paid off and Barney finally took a chance on love the way she never did. James seems to have seen it coming all along. It's a nice time for everyone.
But, come Christmas Day, Robin is truly nervous. Her own family life was so dysfunctional that sometimes normal scares her. The bare truth is normal is what she longs for but it intimidates her. Her experiences and upbringing left her with absolutely no clue as to how to do normal – and the Whittakers are about as normal and traditional as can be. But she makes it through the first half of the day without event.
After dinner, Robin and Barney manage to find a moment alone in Jerome's office. With the door pulled three quarters closed it's the nearest to privacy they're going to have for the rest of the day. "So how are you holding up?" Barney asks, wrapping his arms around her. "I know Christmas with the almost in-laws can't be easy."
"It's not so bad," she reassures him and is surprised to find she truly means it. "Your dad's great and Cheryl's nice too. And I love the whole sibling rivalry thing you've got going with J.J.."
"That kid needs to be taken down a peg," he continues to insist. "So he's good at basketball? I've got North Korea on speed dial. Which is Dad gonna find more impressive?"
"Aww, I'm sure he loves you both," she placates him, though she's barely able to hold her laughter in check.
He easily sees through her mockery, but whatever offense he might have taken is thoroughly soothed by the accompanying kiss she gives him.
"Your sister is not what I expected." No matching sweaters on that one. She came in wearing a leather vest over a skintight cami that leaves her bra straps unmistakably exposed and a denim skirt so short it barely covers her butt with nothing but fishnet black stockings and matching boots underneath.
"My dad and Cheryl seemed surprised too. Carly doesn't live at home anymore so she hasn't been around as much, just when she's on break from classes, mostly during the summer. But I gather she's gotten a lot wilder since she went away to college."
"That happens," Robin wryly observes. "But I think the real problem is she's got less of Cheryl and more of you and Crazy Jerry in her. You're gonna have to watch that girl."
Barney frowns but quickly dismisses the thought in favor of the others that have quickly overtaken him, namely taking advantage of this time alone to get a few more kisses from her. "Forget my sister," he says, stepping closer to inch her up against the wall. "Let's talk about getting more of me in you."
"Come on," Robin laughs. "You can do better than that."
"What? You'd deny me the chance to grope a girl in my dad's office while he's busy in the living room? It's every American boy's dream."
"Oh, is that the American dream?" she asks as his mouth touches hers.
"Well, in my dream," he says between kisses, "it's at least third base." Barney's hand flits up her bare thigh to slip beneath her dress. He slides his tongue into her mouth as his fingers climb ever higher, seeking to do some entering of their own, when they're interrupted by an amused clearing of the throat.
"I wondered where you guys had gone off too," Carly says, and Barney and Robin jump apart. "Geez, Barney, you've gotta at least shut the door before going upskirt. In this house I'd recommend locking it too if you gonna try to get any action at all – including with yourself."
"I….we were…." Barney stumbles. Then, in desperation, "Is that Dad calling me?"
"Don't think so," Carly smirks. "But he was looking for you earlier," she adds, eyeing Robin as she's smoothing down her dress.
Barney goes off to find Jerome, leaving the two women alone, and Robin is immediately anxious. "Listen, about what just happened there…"
"Yeah, sorry to interrupt before you were finished. I know how frustrating that can be," she says woman-to-woman. "I just love messing with Barney."
Robin nods her agreement. "He is fun to mess with."
"He gets all flustered and nervous. I don't think he knows how to handle suddenly having a sister."
"He's a bit of an overprotective older brother?"
"He tries to be," Carly corrects. "That's Grandma's ring, isn't it?" she asks, pointing to Robin's left hand.
"Uh, yes, I think so. Barney said it was a family ring."
"It was supposed to be mine."
The situation just grew noticeably more awkward and Robin looks around helplessly for Barney. "Oh….well, I – "
"But Dad said it should go to Barney as the oldest."
"I'm….sorry?" Robin offers uneasily.
But to her surprise Carly shrugs. "Eh, it's okay. It's a huge rock but not my style. And Dad also said it was really important to Barney that you have it."
Robin can't help but feel flattered hearing how much Barney wanted her to have his family ring for the symbol of their engagement. It means so much more to her than any jeweler's ring ever could have. "Well, I'm glad there are no hard feelings."
"Nah, Barney's cool. You're pretty cool too. Did you really land that helicopter all by yourself?"
"I did," Robin confirms. "But I can't believe Barney still keeps that footage on his phone.
"Why? It's badass. Way better than the clip of you falling off the carriage into manure."
"Yeaah, we're going to have to talk about him still showing that clip."
Carly laughs. "You really love my brother, don't you?" she asks, giving her a scrutinizing look.
Robin looks over at this little wild child and detects something of true protectiveness behind the question. It seems Carly has a sensitive side too underneath it all. She reminds Robin more and more of Barney by the minute. "I really do."
"Okay then," Carly nods, heading out of the office just as Barney's coming back in.
The rest of the day goes by uneventfully and after Carly leaves to go see some friends and J.J. goes to bed, Barney and Robin end up roped into watching Christmas Vacation with Jerome and Cheryl because apparently it's Jerome's favorite movie and try as they might they can't find a way to graciously refuse.
With Jerome on Barney's other side and Cheryl in a nearby chair, Barney and Robin sit snugly on the couch together commenting on the movie as it plays, sharing popcorn and little looks whenever their fingers brush together in the bowl. When it gets to the part where the FBI bursts into the Griswold home telling them to 'Freeze!' and Ellen is stuck with her hand cupping Clark's crotch, Barney leans in to Robin and whispers, "Remember when we did that?"
She looks over at him. Their eyes meet and something hot and wanting passes between them. It was during their secret summer and it was more a classic police and criminal fantasy than anything else, but they had quite a time – and it did start this same way. "It wasn't exactly like that. I was the cop."
"But you did frisk me."
"And then you frisked me."
"Well it was only fair," he winks at her.
"No, I never understood that part. I was the cop, you were the felon. Why were you frisking me?"
"Because turnabout is fair play, and I believe in equal rights – and you looked damn sexy in that police uniform. And I don't remember you complaining."
"Oh no, I was not complaining."
Barney grins and his eyes go to her mouth, but then Jerome asks him a question from his other side and they're both reminded that they're not alone.
Back at the apartment later that night they exchange private gifts, each receiving something sentimental and then something dirty – Robin gives him flavored massage oils and a crazy new lingerie outfit she models that's entirely for him since it's not even comfortable to wear, and Barney absolutely corners the market on new sex toys that Robin doesn't begin to understand but is nevertheless eager for them to try out.
And somehow before the night is over they end up slow dancing beneath the glow of the tree and the lights of the city outside. "I always liked the way we dance," Barney murmurs, his lips brushing her jaw line.
"We should dance more often," Robin agrees. She's distracted enough by his breath on her neck to almost entirely not notice the pinching her new corset causes. It does make her look insanely hot and has Barney all but drooling so it's an even tradeoff. "I always liked the way we move together," she says in obvious invitation.
"Then let's get to moving." He has the lingerie off her in two seconds flat. His hands move to her naked behind, lifting her, and her legs wrap automatically around his waist.
Kissing her but good, he carries them into the bedroom and is heading towards the bed when Robin stops him. "No. Standing up," she requests. "Against the door. And then maybe when we're in the middle of it you can drop me down a little further onto your – "
"My god, I love you," he interrupts, promptly ravaging her exactly the way she requested.
"Well, Mr. Stinson, the swelling seems to have gone down," Robin remarks, turning on the pillows to look at Barney as they both lie there on the bed. It's the night before New Year's Eve and they're spending it engaging in some roleplaying.
He shoots her a satisfied grin. "I've never had anyone use their tongue as measuring tape before. It's an effective method."
She smiles, proud of her prowess, but then quickly slips back into the naivety she can only assume must be at the heart of her 'character'. "I managed to suck all the poison out."
"Yeah ya did," Barney nods in pleased agreement.
She runs her hand over his chest, her fingers teasing his nipple as she bites her lip in concern. "You'll have to be more careful with your pet cobra. To get bitten in such a sensitive spot…."
"A shame isn't it? But how auspicious to find you in MacLaren's right in the nick of time – and that you were so very willing to help. You saved my life."
Robin lets out a throaty laugh. "I bet I did." Propping up on her elbow, she can't resist breaking character to ask, "Did this play ever actually work on anyone?"
"No, but "My Penis Is a Genie" did. Rub it and it grants wishes," he explains, to which she rolls her eyes. "Hey, brains weren't exactly the number one criteria I was looking for. I specialized in the busty dullard."
"Or women just really wanted to sleep with you enough to ignore your cheesy lines and obvious lies."
"Maybe," Barney considers. "Although my plays were genius. But, lucky for me, I don't have to do that anymore." He leans in to kiss her….and then it's back to the roleplaying. "Now that I've recovered, Ms. Scherbatsky, how can I ever thank you?"
"Well, maybe you can help me now. It's just, when I saw you naked – " Robin gets distracted, breaking character again. "And I still don't understand how you explain the need to get totally naked when it was supposed to be a localized bite."
"It helps the toxins escape out of the bare skin."
"Mm-hmm. And why was all the kissing beforehand necessary?"
"That was….trying to suck the poison out of my mouth. It didn't work. We had to escalate."
"And all the fondling of my boobs? How exactly did that help?"
"It helped me a lot."
She rolls her eyes again. "It's stupid."
Barney gives her a pleading look. "Just….okay?"
"Fine," she sighs. "Anyway, seeing all your hard muscles has given me this terrible ache. It's a hot, pulsing throbbing that I really need you to examine."
"Is that so?" he smirks, sitting up and pulling her with him. "And where exactly is this throbbing?"
"I couldn't say. It's someplace unmentionable," she whispers. He moves his hand up her thigh and she gasps exaggeratedly. "There it goes again. Do you think you can help me with it?"
"Oh, I know I can. Let's start by getting that dress off you."
He pushes it to her waist and she scoots up onto her knees, speeding the process. "To, ah, help the toxins escape?"
He grins at her cheekiness. "Something like that."
Barney lifts the dress up over Robin's head and arms, but as she's putting her hands back down she feels her ring slip completely off her finger. "Oh my god, Barney," she exclaims.
He looks up, baffled. "I didn't even touch you yet."
"No, the ring. My engagement ring. It fell off." She frantically searches through the sheets. "I knew it was loose but I didn't think it could come right off like that." She throws pillows onto the ground, desperately sifting through the bed linens. "I don't know what I'll do if I lost it," she cries in a panic. "It was your priceless family heirloom. It meant so much to me."
The sight of Robin in only a push-up bra and miniscule lace panties is enough to make Barney want to forget the ring altogether for now. After all, it's got to be somewhere in the bed. But it touches him to hear her say his family ring meant a lot to her, and she's so deeply upset by its disappearance that he's moved to diligently look for it too. "Here it is," he says a minute later, finding it where it landed on the edge of the mattress as they were tossing her dress over the side.
"Thank god," Robin exclaims, taking the ring from him and hugging it to her chest. "I'm so glad it happened here. If it fell off someplace else we never would have found it. I'm going to have to be more careful."
"It's alright, baby. We'll just get it resized. We'll find a good jeweler after the holidays. I know a guy."
"That means I won't be able to wear it for now," Robin points out in disappointment. It's been less than two weeks and those first few days were spent holed up at their apartments, and then the next days were over Christmas when everyone was off with their families. Almost no one's had a chance to really see it on her. Even Lily's barely seen the ring.
"It doesn't matter," Barney comforts her. "We're still engaged, ring or no ring."
"That's true."
"Now," he says, winding his arms around her again, "why don't we get back to doing something about that throbbing of yours?"
"I think it went away," Robin frowns.
"I know how to bring it back." He kisses her, starting out soft then increasing in intensity, seducing her mouth just as his hands set out to do the same to her body, his two fingers slowly slipping beneath the elastic of her underwear.
"Wait," she tells him, because she's still holding the ring and there's no way she's risking losing it in the bed again. On her hands and knees, she crawls over the length of the king-size mattress to put it down safely on her nightstand.
And what a sight that makes for Barney's eyes. The image of her mostly naked and down on all fours nearly short-circuits his brain and does a number on his already aroused body. He comes up behind her, setting his hands on her hips. "Oh yes, this will do nicely."
On New Year's Eve, at Ted's insistence and for old times' sake, the five of them go to a series of parties and by midnight Barney and Robin end up kissing and a whole lot more in the ladies room of MacLaren's in what Barney proclaims is "one banging way to bring in the New Year".
They eventually decide to walk back to the apartment that night since Ranjit went off duty over an hour ago after he dropped the gang off at MacLaren's back at 11:30. Right now it's impossible to get a cab, and in this traffic walking would be faster anyway. They're slowly ambling down the street, under a nice buzz but not even close to drunk, when Barney stops to kiss her for no reason at all other than how beautiful she looks beneath the streetlights.
It's then that Robin tells him she loves him for the first time unprovoked. He didn't say it first, they weren't having sex, and they weren't talking about their relationship or feelings. It just bubbled out of her completely in the moment because that's exactly what she was experiencing, an overwhelming burst of love for him. But afterwards she can't quite meet his eye, afraid he's going to tease her for her uncharacteristic spurt of emotion outside Sal's Deli of all places.
Instead, Barney puts his hand under her chin and gently brings her gaze back up to his. "Don't look away," he says softly. "You can tell me you love me. You don't have to be embarrassed. Do you know how many times I imagined you saying that? You don't ever have to worry about what I'm thinking. I want to hear it every time….Tell me," he asks.
Robin smiles at him, her eyes never leaving his. "I love you."
He pulls her in close, grinning blissfully. "Tell me anytime you want. Whenever you feel it."
"That's impossible. I'd have to tell you constantly," she counters affectionately.
He sighs, hugger her tighter and pressing a kiss into her hair. "I love you too, Robin."
And once they're over that first hurdle they both find it so much easier to keep saying it in the moment. They'll never be Teds. They'll never be Marshall and Lily, with their cutesy nicknames and night-night songs. But when they're alone and it's just the two of them – in the back of the car as Ranjit is driving them home, lying in bed after they just made love, or sitting in their booth at MacLaren's while Ted's gone up to get them another round – they can tell each other then in a way they never could before and it feels like that was the one thing missing from their relationship all along.
Now that it's officially 2013, Robin decides it's time to broach the topic of their wedding with Barney. Ted had asked her a few things on New Year's Eve – like what kind of wedding she wanted, where it was going to be, and when – that she had absolutely no answers for. That's what made her realize that she and Barney really ought to start discussing at least the basic details of what they want their wedding to be. So over breakfast she asks him, "Do you want to get married soon?"
Barney looks up from his newspaper. "Like….today?" He knows that's not what she meant but loves teasing her all the same. "Because my schedule's pretty full at work today, but I think I can move some stuff around this weekend."
"Very big of you," she laughs as she stirs a spoonful of creamer into her coffee. "But I'm being serious. What are you thinking here, a long engagement or something sooner?"
"Well," he says, giving it some serious thought the way she asked him too, "I think as soon as possible would be good, don't you? I mean it took us this long to get back together; I don't want to waste any more time. I want to get you locked down as my wife before you change your mind."
Robin smiles at him. "I'm not gonna change my mind. But I agree with you. I don't want a long engagement either. I don't really see the point."
"Okay, so we both want a short engagement. I know something else you want. I know you better than you think I do."
"Oh yeah? How's that?"
"I happen to know – nay, I have long known – that as much as you protest against weddings you, Robin Scherbatsky, are a sucker for a big traditional wedding. Remember on that second Slapsgiving," he shudders at the memory of Marshall's behemoth hand coming toward his face, "how I taunted you about wanting a white dress and a little church and an eager groom waiting at the end of the aisle? I knew that would get a reaction because I knew deep down that's what you really wanted. And that's what I wanted with you too, more than I was able to admit at the time."
She can't keep the excited grin from spreading out across her face. "So we're really doing this? A big church wedding?"
Barney reaches across the table and takes her hand. "Robin, we're getting married. A union of two streams of awesome such as ours requires it to be the most legendary wedding that ever existed. A wedding of truly epic proportions."
"Oh, well, as long as we're keeping expectations reasonable."
He laughs, his excitement building by the second too. "How long will it take to whip together something big and traditional and legendary like that?"
"For most brides it's about a year, but with Lily's ferocious planning I think we can cut that in half."
"Alright, the spring then. Just in time for bringing out my lightweight suits," he enthuses, whipping out his iPhone and its calendar app. "How about June first? We'll take it traditional all the way."
"Okay," Robin nods, smiling from ear to ear. She leans across the table, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "Barney, do you realize we just set our wedding date?"
Barney's eyebrow quirks. His mind had only been thinking of logistics and making it official as soon as possible. He hadn't really considered it as anything huge and monumental and irreversibly life-changing until she just pointed that out. He takes in a shallow breath. "Yeah. We did, didn't we?"
That weekend, the first Saturday in January, Ted volunteers to come over and help them. He's throwing himself into the planning of their wedding perhaps a bit too vigorously, but considering their past circumstances neither Robin nor Barney has the heart to tell him to back off. And he could come in useful too, for handling all the tedious details they don't have the patience to see to. This way they get to decide what they want and let Ted handle all the dirty work.
He arrives at the apartment armed with a binder bigger than Barney's briefcase, the secret work one filled with lord only knows what that he has stashed under the bed and thinks Robin doesn't know about and for the safety of the nation she pretends not to. Once the initial shock of hearing that Barney and Robin of all people – when she swore she was against it – want a traditional church wedding rather than flying to Vegas or something, Ted suggests the little church Victoria almost got married in. Sure, that day was an absolute disaster, but the church was quaint and elegant and inarguably a picturesque setting for a wedding – and he promises himself that thoughts of stealing yet another bride away from the altar are the furthest thing from his mind.
They end up making an appointment and Ted drives them over to see it the next day. As off-putting as it originally sounded to have their wedding at the site of Victoria's failed one, both Barney and Robin have to admit it's perfect, exactly what she used to dream of as a little girl before the notion of such feminine things was forced out of her mind by her dad.
The only trouble is the church is already booked on June first – and in fact completely booked for the entire month of June. "But we do have the Saturday before that available," the church's event coordinator tells them. "The 25th of May."
Barney looks to Robin. "What do you think? I know you had your heart set on a June wedding."
"How do you know that?" she asks him in surprise.
"Because whenever you talk about any wedding, even pretend ones, you always put it in June. I could tell it was subconscious for what you really want. So, if you absolutely want June, we'll find someplace else."
Robin puts her hand around his tie, pulling him in for a gentle kiss. "I can't believe you noticed that." Barney merely shrugs, as if discerning every minute detail about her is something unremarkable. "June was just an imaginary thing. You know, brides in June? But who needs imaginary when this is my reality. And it's just one week. What difference does it really make? This place is perfect."
"Alright, then it's settled," he smiles, putting an arm around her waist. "We're getting married here."
After that everything moves quickly, a checklist of dates and deposits and wedding prerequisites to nail down. Ted spends the whole ride home discussing with Robin her ideas for bridesmaids' dresses and everything else besides, but Barney is largely quiet.
When it's just the two of them in the apartment that night, Robin finds him alone in the bedroom in the throes of what will be his first panic attack of many. "What's wrong?" she asks, coming to sit beside him on the bed.
"I don't know. It's just everything, so much and so fast and so legal and binding and – oh my god, I can't do this! I can't breathe! I'm freaking out!"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down. This is about the wedding," Robin realizes with a slight sinking feeling coming on that she's trying to hold at bay. "Do you.…do you not want to get married, Barney?" She's terrified to know the answer.
"No, that's not it," he promises, taking her hands in his. "I do want to marry you, Robin. I'm sure of that. I love you and I want to marry you. Those are about the only things I'm sure of," he tells her, his breath still coming in panicked gasps.
"Well then what's the matter?" But she can answer her own question before he even has the chance to. "It's because we started making concrete plans." She knows him better than he thinks too – and she can relate to the anxiety impulses. She's experienced a few herself but is clearly holding up far better than he is.
He blows out a heavy breath, almost afraid to tell her, not wanting to upset her this way. But they swore it was important to the relationship to talk about the major things, and panic attacks are certainly one of them. "When we set a date and booked the church and started talking about caterers and wedding cakes and bridal gowns, it just hit me: this is real. We're really getting married – in less than six months. And it's not that that isn't what I want, it's just…."
"Scary," she finishes for him, rubbing his leg soothingly. "I know. Getting married, for us, that's huge. It is definitely scary. But it's one of those things that's a good kind of scary, like when I first moved to New York, or when I took the job at World Wide News, or the very first time I let myself kiss you. It's the kind of scary that goes along with that best kind of risk, the best kind of jump into the unknown, like when we leapt across those rooftops."
"I leapt there to get to you. I want to marry you. I want this to be the good kind of scary but….I just don't want to mess it up," he finally admits, his voice so raw and quiet Robin has to strain to hear him. "I have no idea how to be a husband other than from watching Marshall – and, honestly, I'm not sure I can ever be that kind of husband. I just don't want to let you down, Robin. I don't want to ruin this."
"You're not going to let me down, Barney. Do you think I know how to be a wife?" Robin emphasizes, because they're both walking into uncharted territory here. "For most of my life I was allergic to the word. But when I was standing up on the roof of the World Wide News building, the one thing I knew with absolute certainty – no doubts or fears whatsoever – is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That's what marriage is. That's why I could say 'yes' and it wasn't terrifying. Because what I was saying 'yes' to is a lifetime with you, and I know that's what I want. The rest of it – 'husband' and 'wife' – those are just titles. They don't change who we are. It just means we get to keep being together, exactly like we are now." She puts her hand to his face and burrows her fingers up to softly stroke through his hair in the way he confided he loves tremendously. "I don't want to mess this up either, but we've managed the first three weeks alright. What's sixty more years?"
He smiles at her, already calmed by her soothing words and loving touches. "You're right. I know you are. And that's how I feel too underneath all this…mess. But I'm Barney Stinson. I don't have to tell you what that means. I've spent the past fourteen years thinking I'd never get married, I'd never face anything more serious than sneaking out of my latest conquest's bed. And, no, that didn't make me happy and it's not what I want, but I knew my way around that like the back of my hand. This," he says, reaching for her, "how to build a marriage and a life together, I'm still figuring out."
"We both are. And that's okay."
"I just don't ever want us to get divorced. I'm going into this with the incontrovertible view that it's forever. I've never done that before, but I mean it wholeheartedly now. This is you and me, forever. That's what makes it so final and so dauntingly important. But I can do daunting," he assures her. "And I can do important. I want to do it all with you."
With that said, however, he still knows it's not going to cure him overnight. He one thousand percent wanted to marry her before this conversation and it still didn't stop his panic attack from coming now.
When he was seventeen, he told his mom he wasn't brave enough to ask a girl to the senior prom. She told him that bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's doing something even when you're afraid; she'd read it on a tea bag. So he asked Lisa to the prom and she said 'yes'. Turns out she was just trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous and he never even got to first base, but the point still stands. Sometimes you want something badly enough that you reach for it in spite of your fear. But that still doesn't stop it from being scary, nor can it change your biological reaction to that fear. Right before he asked Lisa, he had to go behind the bleachers and threw up into his magic case.
"But I can pretty much guarantee you that I'm going to keep freaking out like this. At least for a little while." He's reluctant to hurt her feelings by exposing her to the reactions he knows he's going to have, so he has to tell her, "I can do that in private, in secret, and you never have to know. Or I can tell you and let you see. But the most important thing is for you to realize that my freaking out has nothing to do with not wanting to marry you. It's just a fight or flight impulse I'm going to have to wrestle with for a while."
"Okay," Robin agrees. "I can understand that." And she can. She's lived these exact same panic attacks about their relationship. They are the thing that kept her from him for the past three years. "But don't do it in secret. Let me know, and we'll get through it together."
They seal the deal with a kiss, and he makes good on his promise. Every day he has a panic attack, but every time he does it in front of her, lets her see it and know it all. Sometimes she talks him through it; sometimes she just lets it run its course. But it changes nothing afterwards and they just go on like normal.
Come Wednesday, Barney has his panic attack fairly early in the morning after Ted texts Robin at 7 a.m. to say he's found the perfect DJ for the wedding and he's willing to shell out the down payment himself if she'll just agree because he already has the prefect 'first dance' song in mind. Very real discussions of music selection and the first dance as husband and wife send Barney into a panic, but he comes out of it in under a minute this time. He apologizes to Robin – who makes him swear it's the last time he'll say he's sorry about this – and then promptly tells her to text Ted back that they've already decided on a band and he knows it.
After work and then dinner with the gang at Ted's place, Barney and Robin head back home and share a bath together he prepared with candlelight and scented bath oil, his way to thank her for putting up with him over the past week since she won't let him apologize for it anymore. And a little romance feels good to him too, though he'd never admit it to anyone else but her.
With both of them warm, pleasantly nude, and surrounded by bubbles, Robin leans back against Barney, resting her head on his shoulder, and it's the height of relaxation. She reaches back for his arms, wrapping them snugly around her waist, and while they enjoy the quiet music and candlelight and soft touches beneath the suds, they nail down the color scheme for their wedding – cream and lilac is their shared choice – and the location of the reception – they both agree it will be perfectly legendary in a beautiful white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. And that way they won't have far to go to get back to the bridal suite to start rocking their wedding night hard.
With that judiciously decided, and with absolutely zero panicking on his part, they lapse into a contented silence broken only by the first notes of Bruno Mars "Gorilla", part of Barney's Sexy Mix he has on shuffle. When it gets to the third line – You got your legs up in the sky with the devil in your eyes – his hand creeps noticeably higher up her thigh, the other heading toward her breast. "One of us could go scuba diving," he suggests silkily.
"Is that a hint for me?"
"I'll never turn down the offer, but I was actually talking about me," he says, setting his mouth to her shoulder and kissing his way up her neck. "Or maybe I could just pet the kitty." He starts touching her intimately beneath the water. "Make the kitty purr."
Robin melts against him. "You always make the kitty purr. To the point of distraction. I can't get anything done at work for wishing you were there to pet the kitty."
"That's because we never made good on your "Damsel in Distress" play." His teeth scrape across her neck as he continues to work her over with expert fingers. "You were supposed to 'repay' me in your office. That image is still stuck in your mind."
"Stop by sometime next week and we'll knock it out." She smiles at her double entendre.
He stills his motions for a moment. "Seriously?"
"Seriously," she confirms. "We'll christen my office. There are about four surfaces we can use just off the top of my head."
"Awesome," he nods lecherously. "But let's get kitty purring right now too."
Robin sighs. "She already is." A soft sound of pleasure escapes her at his stepped up efforts. "Confidentially, my kitty loves you."
Barney chuckles. "The feeling is definitely mutual."
She pushes up on her knees and turns around to straddle him. "Does Little Barney want to stroke the kitty?"
"Always."
"Because she's more than ready for him."
He guides her down onto him, his fingers plunging deeper under the water. "Let's really get her going," he says thickly. "Stroke the kitty inside and out."
"She adores Little Barney." Robin moans; she can't hold it in. "Why did we ever stop doing this?" she asks, her voice breathless and thready. "They should have been together years ago…."
Barney groans at the motion of her very skilled hips. "But now they can be together for life."
"A match…." she pants, her words growing increasingly stilted. "….made in….heaven."
His voice low and deep and coated with lust, he whispers, "I'll show you heaven."
And he makes good on his promise twice before they get out of the tub.
Over coffee Friday morning, Robin can't resist commenting on the decrease of Barney's panic attack. He hasn't had one in over forty-eight and the last one he did have was under a minute. She comes to sit beside him on the couch, rubbing his leg. "Your panic attacks are getting shorter and further apart," she congratulates him.
Predictably, mentioning them at all sends Barney into his first attack in days, but it comes and goes literally in a matter of seconds before he's back to smiling over at her and laughing happily.
Now that things are officially official, wedding plans and all, Robin decides it's time to tell her parents. Or at least her mom. She assumes her dad will already know about the proposal because Barney would have contacted him ahead of time, but she can at least tell her dad when the wedding is. "You did call him and got his permission, right?"
Barney bursts out laughing at the absurdity of the notion. "Yeah, Robin, I bought you with an ox and some spices from the East." The idea of asking Robin's dad for her like she's some kind of property passed from male to male is such an antiquated notion it's ridiculous to him, but now that he's onto this fantasy it takes ahold of his mind. The image of a scantily clad Robin arriving via a horse drawn caravan at his remote desert camp.
Robin tries to interrupt but Barney insists he's not finished. In truth, he's not ready to deal with the discussion that will inevitably follow because while asking for her father's permission is amusingly old-fashioned to him, she obviously expected him to have done it. So he opts to let his mind go instead, indulging in this fantasy for a while…..
He'd be the most debonair of all sheiks – suave, magnetic, an absolute lady killer – and she would be his queen. After arriving, the servants would bathe her in perfumes and oils. He stares off, absolutely lost in the image of naked Robin getting all soaped down and made soft and warm and ready for him. Then they deliver her to his tent, where he is certainly ready for her. All night long, left alone with an innocent but willing Robin….and she's wearing some kind of sexy belly-baring genie outfit, the kind where the pants are wispy and clear and you can see right through to her underwear – ooh, and maybe even some slits in the side where her bare leg can peek-a-boo out as she moves.
Robin is amused by Barney's highly descriptive story and no doubt the pornographic images that accompany it in his mind, particularly the part about her performing the Dance of the Seven Veils for him, but she recognizes this aside for what it is: a stall tactic. When he's still going on about the two of them adjourning to the tiger skin rug, she has to stop him again.
"Robin, if we're gonna build a marriage together we've got to stop interrupting each other all the time," Barney protests good-naturedly. Primarily he's just buying time. She's not going to be happy to learn he never asked her father, and he knows it.
She sighs, pursing her lips and agreeing to humor him all the way to the end of his story. After he finally finishes with the fact that they'll have sex, a given from the very beginning, she gets her chance to pin him down. "Did you ask for my father's permission?"
"No, I did not," he sulks, bracing himself for the yelling.
"Barney."
"Well, who knew that was a thing? This isn't 1950, Robin."
"My dad is an old-fashioned guy. He'd flip out if he knew I was already engaged without you asking for his permission first. We have to fix this right away."
He's not above a little groveling to the man if it pleases Robin. And obviously he'd like to make a good impression on her family, but asking for her hand is a little much when he doesn't even know the guy. "What do you suggest I do? Just call him up out of the blue and say, 'My name's Barney. We've never met but I desperately want to marry your daughter. And considering what we did last night I really think you should let me'?
Her mouth quirks into a sidewise smile. "Very funny. I'll call him first and smooth things over, tell him all about you, and then maybe we can fly to Canada this weekend and go see him together."
"Canada?" Barney reviles in disgust. She levels him with one look. "Okay, I'll do it."
Robin gets up a few minutes later and goes into the bedroom to call her dad. They haven't spoken since the helicopter incident so they have initial, very formal reintroductions to make. After that she tells him all about Barney, how she's known him for almost eight years, what an amazing guy he is – hyping up all the things she knows her dad will love about him, like his success in the business world, his status as a cigar and scotch aficionado, his sophistication, class and good looks – and most of all: "I'm really in love with him, Dad. And he wants to meet you."
It's when she's trying to arrange travel plans to Canada that Robin learns to her utter shock that her dad actually moved away eight months ago – to New York of all places. He's been living right here in the city all this time and he never so much as called her, let alone came to see her. That knowledge hurts. It's a slap in the face is what it is. It proves how little she must mean to him, what a low priority she is that he hasn't even bothered to let her know. She has half a mind to hang up on him and never give him a second thought, but like always she swallows her anger, pain, and resentment and simply arranges a lunch meeting for that afternoon. At least this will save Barney the trouble of setting foot in Canada.
Five hours later, Barney is amusing himself mocking the décor and menu and generally everything about the restaurant her dad picked but Robin's too busy worrying over what's about to transpire to find any of it humorous. He's heard plenty about her dad, but at the moment it doesn't seem to be sinking in with Barney exactly what scrutiny he's about to face. But he assures her with his usual bravado that he can easily handle her dad….Until the man himself comes walking in and Barney's hit with a full-on taste of the kind of intimidation she grew up with. Things go from scary to strange when, rather than his customary handshake of greeting, her father actually wants to hug her. It's so awkward and unnatural trying to hug her dad – something they've never done – that she can barely pull it off.
Barney notices Robin's clear discomfort and when they sit back down again he pulls his chair even closer to hers, hoping his physical nearness can offer moral support. She's worried about him but all he can think about are the stories she's told him over the years of the near abuse she lived through as a young girl at the hands of this man. If he weren't still so inexplicably important to Robin – and if Barney wasn't so terrified of the guy – he'd feel like decking him at first sight.
When her dad takes off his coat and he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt underneath, and then proclaims Pizzazzy's his favorite restaurant and asserts that he comes here "all the time" with Carol, Robin can barely string words together at the bizarreness of it all. But she finally manages to question him on just who exactly Carol is.
As they're waiting to hear the answer, Barney's face clouds with concern and he glances over at Robin. He has a feeling where this is going and she's not going to like it at all.
Carol, it turns out, is her dad's girlfriend who's responsible for all these changes and his apparent new attempts at warmth and humanity that she could never engender in him. And with that Robin's had about all she can take. "Okay, what the hell happened to you?"
"Robin, I know in the past I have been emotionally distant."
She scratches her neck agitatedly, trying to control her anger. That's the understatement of the century.
Barney looks to Robin warily. Pushing her out of a helicopter to defend herself against wolfs in the wilds of Canada is way more than 'emotionally distant'. He knows that's what Robin must be thinking too, and he winces internally when the guys adds insult to injury by pointing out how much this girlfriend of his has brought out a new side of him the bastard should have been showing his daughter years ago.
Robin simply hopes to forget this talk about Carol and how her father is a supposedly changed man who's "fun" now. She isn't ready to deal with that yet, but at least they can get down to the heart of the matter and square away things between him and Barney so they can be openly engaged again.
She gives Barney a meaningful look that he easily picks up on. It's show time. But he's got to admit he's a mass of nerves. "Sir, hi." He raises his hand gawkily, immediately admonishes himself for how stupid he must look, and then drags his hand back down. "My name is Barney Stinson."
Robin smiles encouragingly, facing her dad too and presenting a united front, but her dad cuts Barney off at the pass. "This is Barney?" he asks her in dismay. From there he rallies on against the fact that Barney is blond and "grown men are not blond".
Robin feels the insult against Barney and is as equally embarrassed for him as she is annoyed at her dad for ridiculing him at all. She rolls her eyes self-consciously, admonishing him, "Dad."
He at least tries at civility after that. They order and when their meal is mostly finished Robin turns to look at Barney again, having a silent conversation where she tells him now is the time to ask her dad. Despite the tension of the situation, Barney laughs easily at Robin's jokes as she excuses herself to the restroom. The woman is adorable and it still boggles his mind why her dad can't or won't see that.
Once they're left alone Barney tries, he really does, but all the smooth charm that usually coaxes to his will the corporate CEOs, felons, and dictators he deals with on a regular basis fails him in the presence of Robin's dad and he gets shot down before he can even get the words out.
When Robin comes back from the bathroom she can tell from the thick tension at the table that things did not go well.
They leave soon thereafter and on the cab ride back to WWN Barney confirms that her father refused his permission. "But I'm gonna take care of this. I'll call him up tomorrow and we'll have another lunch meeting, just the two of us. I promise you I'll win him over."
Robin tries to give him the benefit of the doubt. Barney is a charming guy. It's impossible for him not to work his way beneath your resistances – she knows firsthand the truth of that. But he doesn't realize how hard it is to win her father's approval. She's been trying unsuccessfully for the past thirty-two years.
At MacLaren's after work, Robin is particularly down. She's not feeling well and fears she's coming down with a cold. She first felt it this morning and it's gotten worse by the hour. The stress isn't helping now that she's got this mess with her dad to deal with. Along with that, Lily and Ted are now fighting over who gets to plan her wedding. And she actually wants to do most of it, at least the fun parts, herself. It's mildly creepy how Ted keeps referring to everything to do with the wedding as 'we' – 'We're going to have this' and 'We're going to have that' – when the only 'we' is her and Barney, but she doesn't have the heart or the energy right now to make that distinction clear to him. And to top it all off now she's got Marshall making comments about placing bets on how long it will take Barney to skip town. She knows he's just joking, but it's in very poor taste and she's really not in the mood. She assures him Barney is not planning to run out on her and is instead in the midst of regaling them with the tale of just exactly why she's not in a good mood right now – telling them all about their troubles with her father – when Barney comes in.
He was supposed to meet Robin here for drinks and to decide where to go for dinner, but he's pleased to see them all. He just spent the afternoon blowing off work and searching the internet for potential wedding bands instead. For the first time wedding planning doesn't make him the least bit nervous. Thinking about dancing with Robin at their reception is a pleasant distraction from the fact that her dad hates him and thinks he isn't good enough to marry her at all. "Oh, great, you're all here. Let's talk about our wedding band."
Robin is very glad to see him again. It makes her feel better already, both the cold she's fighting off and about this engagement situation with her dad. Barney's busy going on with such excitement about their wedding band and she's pleased about that, but she needs at least a little attention from him to soothe her. Reaching under the table she strokes his inner thigh; she knows from experience that's a surefire way to get his focus on her.
"How much do you guys think they should rock? Because I vote a million." He feels Robin's hand smoothing its way up his thigh and his eyes darken, going immediately to hers as he leans in and gives her a quick kiss to the cheek.
Robin's smile widens and she rubs his leg a few more times, letting the love wash over her as she just gazes at him and forgets the turmoil of her day. But, sadly, it doesn't last long. Barney wants to know the name of the band Marshall and Lily were originally going to use for their wedding –it isn't a bad idea; those guys were great. They all got to hear them when they crashed the prom that Barney took them to – but Lily uses this as her coup attempt in the war with Ted and rushes to assume the role of head wedding planner. Meanwhile, Ted is still arguing in favor of the DJ, and Barney stops them all cold, asking her, "What do you think, baby?" And all the tension comes flooding back because until they change her dad's mind there may not be a wedding. She's never openly defied her father in her life, and now he's standing in the way of her biggest dream.
Hearing Robin so sadly tell the gang she doesn't know what they're going to do makes Barney's bravado take over again and he reassures her that he's "got this". He can't let her down this way. He will win her dad over. "I know how to be persuasive."
And he proves it later that night when he convinces her to eat chicken soup and drink a pot of green tea and manages to hustles her into bed just after nine because he can see she's a bit under the weather and soup, tea, and plenty of sleep is his surefire remedy to knock out a cold.
"Aren't you coming to bed too?" she asks drowsily.
"It's barely nine-fifteen," he scoffs. "That's way too early to go to sleep."
"I wasn't talking about sleep."
"Mm, is that so?" he sighs with interest, lying down beside her on the bed. But, truthfully, she looks way too tired for any sexual escapades. "Are you sure you're feeling up to it?"
"Oh yeah," she insists. "I could use the stress relief."
He's just planning to fool around a little, make sure to get her off so she'll sleep soundly, but she closes her eyes at his first kiss and conks out before he can even get his hand underneath her nightgown.
The next morning Barney can tell Robin's still a little off but she seems to be feeling much better. He can't say the same about this situation with her dad. It's weighing on her mind and he has to fix this. If his hair color is her father's only objection that can be easily solved. Before meeting him for lunch, Barney stops in for an emergency appointment with his hairstylist – because B-man don't trust his looks to anyone but the best – and shows up at Pizzazzy's newly brunette.
But even that isn't enough to satisfy the man, and by the time he starts talking about slaughtering bears Barney is getting seriously concerned. But he'll do whatever it takes to marry Robin. That's not even a question. Yet, once they end up at a pet shop and Mr. Scherbatsky picks out a pretty white rabbit for the sole purpose of later killing, Barney knows things have gotten out of hand. He'd do anything for Robin. But, staring into Mr. Fluffernutter's eyes as he points the barrel of her dad's gun at the poor little guy, he knows he can't murder this innocent creature in cold blood. He just doesn't have it in him.
Unlocking the door to the apartment and stepping inside, Robin is horrified at what she sees. She's already been to Marshall and Lily's place for lunch and then on to the jeweler's after that to drop off her engagement ring for resizing since Barney finally found a place they both trust to preserve the original integrity of the ring. On the cab ride back here she made the mistake of accepting her dad's friend request and that's when she disturbingly discovered that Carol is not his girlfriend but his wife. Her dad not only moved to New York without telling her, he also got married without inviting her to the wedding or even giving her so much as a heads up after the fact.
Needless to say she's hurt and angry about that. All she wanted to do was have a relaxing evening with Barney, but what she's gotten instead is another appalling scene no doubt at the hands of her dad. There's a white rabbit on the coffee table and Barney is cowering against the breakfast bar, her father's pistol in his hand. "What the hell is this?"
Barney looks up to Robin with desperate, tortured eyes. "Your dad is crazy," he cries, scooping up the bunny and holding it protectively to his chest. "He wanted me to kill Fluffernutter."
"I told you not to give him a name!" her dad roars, and Robin is instantly transported back….
**Flashback**
Eight year-old Robin continues to insist to her dad that hunting is not for her. "I don't wanna shoot a deer," she implores through her missing front teeth.
"Nonsense, R.J. Shooting a deer is the noblest of pursuits."
"But they're cute," she pleads.
"You said the same thing about our rabbits. Remember how delicious they were?"
**Flashback**
Delicious is far from the word she'd use. She was still seven back then when, refusing to watch her pet rabbits being killed, she ran out of their barn screaming at the first gunshot while her father called after her all the while that it was her own fault for humanizing them by giving them all names. When she sat down to dinner that night she was devastated to learn her pets were their meal. She refused her supper, swore she wasn't hungry. But, with tears streaming down her face, her dad forced her to eat every last bite of her bowl of rabbit stew. All alone in her bathroom she threw up five minutes later.
There's no way she's going to allow her dad to traumatize Barney the same way he did her. In fact, she's not going to let him say anything at all. His power in her life ends now. If he couldn't even have the care to tell her he got married himself then what right does he have to dictate who she marries? Why are they even asking him for permission at all? Screw his permission.
For the first time in her life she calls him out on his crap, and he admits to indeed being married. "Okay, you know what, Dad? Since you obviously have no interest in involving me in your personal life, I may as well tell you. Barney and I are already engaged."
Barney feels a surge of love and pride hearing Robin finally stand up to her father. "That's right." He gets up to come to her side. He knows this is hard for her, but he completely backs her up in her long overdue decision not just to stand firm on their wedding plans but to finally stick up for herself to her dad. What she's doing is magnificent. "I'm behind you on this, Robin."
Having Barney beside her, looking into her eyes and swearing he's with her, solidifies Robin's confidence. It feels amazing to have someone supporting her for once rather than tearing her down. "This is happening. And since I wasn't invited to your wedding, you're not invited to mine. Goodbye," she tells him, walking out the door.
Standing in the hallway she can feel the adrenaline pumping through her veins. It felt so good just to finally stand up to him that way.
She takes solace at her office for the rest of the afternoon, trying unsuccessfully to throw herself into work – until she gets a call from Barney. But, honestly, she was expecting it an hour ago and is surprised it took him this long. "Hey," she answers.
"How are you holding up?"
His voice is gentle and concerned and it makes her anger melt away, leaving nothing but her hurt, raw and exposed. "I'm fine. Nothing I'm not used to, right? But I've finally had enough. My dad doesn't get to dictate whether or not we get married."
"I agree with that. But come on, Robin. I know you. This isn't what you want," he nudges her softly. "Your dad's still here with me now. He wants to make things right. He'd like you to meet him at Pizzazzy's again for dinner and talk this out. Don't you want to at least try?"
There's silence for a full thirty seconds, but Robin knows that Barney is right. Leaving things like this wouldn't sit well with her. It's been eating her up all afternoon as it is. "Fine. I'll meet him."
"Great, I'll let him know. I'll be there too, okay?" he vows. "You're not alone in this."
Though he can't see her, she nods. "Okay," she says, her tone heavy with affection and thanks he picks up on even through the phone. "Six o'clock?"
"I'll let him know."
At twenty after six, Robin's at Pizzazzy's still waiting for them. She's picking at the food she went ahead and ordered alone when Barney walks in, late by finally there. Her dad is with him too and she figures he probably had a time dragging him there.
"Your dad has something to say," Barney informs her and then comes to stand by her side, supporting her once again.
And her dad certainly does – just what he has to say to her leaves Robin speechless. How Barney managed to wrangle an apology out of her dad – "I'm sorry", two words she's never heard him say before – is beyond her, but it's no small feat and she's positively blown away. But before she can reflect on it much or make her own amends – because, although she has every right in the world to hate him, she still doesn't truly want to cut him out of her life – he tells her that he's now divorcing his new wife on her account.
"What?" Barney asks, aghast. Here he was trying to fix this for Robin and he's only made it worse. But this wasn't his fault. He had no clue her dad was going to do something so ridiculously insane, and he urgently needs Robin to know this wasn't his idea. "I did not tell him to – "
"But if that's the price for my daughter's love then I will gladly let Carol pay it."
Robin closes her eyes, sighing heavily. So typical of her dad, still shirking responsibility for his own actions, still making the ones he loves pay for his mistakes. But he's her dad, and for about the only time ever he just admitted that he wants her love. What she wants is for him to just be a normal dad, just a taste of that traditional normalcy she felt when spending Christmas with Barney's father. And she tells him just that. "You want to know what I want? A normal dad. That's all." She turns to look up at Barney, the man she loves, the man who made the closest thing she'll ever get to father-daughter bonding possible. "I want you to give this blond guy permission to marry me." Because Barney is who he is and she loves who he is. He shouldn't have to pretend to be anyone else to gain her dad's approval, and she's finally realized that neither should she.
Her dad eventually agrees to dance with her at her wedding, and even if it is still on his own terms it's progress nevertheless. After that he stalks away, calling out that he'll see her then….So another four months of silence. Pretty typical also.
Barney sits down beside her, giving her a tender kiss. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Robin says, offering him a smile. "I just want to go home."
An hour later, Robin is sitting on the edge of the bed unzipping her boots while Barney stands leaning against his suit room door, watching her. Setting her shoes aside, she looks up at him. "This day has been terrible." She gets up and walks over to him and he meets her halfway. "Make me forget," she entices, her request laced with unmistakable seduction in both her tone and body language.
"That I can do." He puts his hands to her waist, pulling her to him as he kisses her.
But Robin quickly takes control of the kiss, transforming it from gentle to rough and visceral at mock speed. She moves her attentions down his neck, already working at the buttons of his shirt. "I wanna get wild and kinky," she says breathlessly. And judging by the way she's biting at his jugular vein almost painfully he takes her at her word. "Tie me up and do something dirty to me," she begs, pressing him back against the suit room door and using the leverage of the hard surface to rock her hips against him and start slowly dry humping his thigh.
He looks down at her, dumbstruck. "Is this stored up teenage rebellion?"
"I don't know," she shrugs, pulling at his tie and increasing the speed of her hips. "I just….I want to be naughty. I want to feel you pounding inside me. I want to scream and rattle the headboard." She kisses him, slipping her tongue into his mouth almost immediately and pulling him with her back towards the bed. "Why waste time thinking about my dad when I could be having multiple orgasms with you?"
"Why indeed?" He bends to kiss her again but she lets go of him and steps away to promptly start disrobing, shedding articles of clothing and tossing them to the floor in a desperate frenzy to get naked as quickly as possible. Barney just watches her, astonished. "I don't know whether I should try to keep that man away from you or invite him over more often."
Now nude, she reaches for him, ready to end that debate. Wrapping herself around him, she goes in for his mouth but he avoids the kiss. He has a pretty definite feeling what's really behind all of this: residual anger and hurt over her father's actions. She wants to bang it out with him, and ordinarily he'd love nothing more than to bang out anything with her but something about this doesn't feel quite right. Like Marshall always says about taking advantage of Drunk Girl; it's easy to do, but ultimately wrong. He doesn't want to exploit Robin's pain that way.
"But, seriously, Robin, are you sure you don't want to talk about this? I know how much your dad means to you. It had to hurt that he didn't tell you he got married. You two didn't leave things horribly but – "
"Barney," she complains, agitated. "I don't want to talk about this right now, okay?" He's looking at her the way someone might eye a live bomb and she knows she's not being fair to him. He means well, and this is exactly the kind of communication she asked for. "Later," she promises. "But not now. "Just….just kiss me," she asks, her voice small and broken. "That's what I need."
"Okay," he smiles softly. "You want some sweet, sweet lovin? You got it."
Barney takes her into his arms and Robin closes her eyes and lifts her mouth for his, ready to be swept away by lust and one long session of going at each other animalistically. But he surprises her by kissing her cheek instead, then her forehead and nose, then her eyes – and there's something very gentle and attentive and tender about it all. "I'm always going to be here for you, Robin. I love you and I'm proud of you."
Like flipping a switch, those words break the fury Robin was in and all the roughness fades away as she cups his face, nodding tearfully. Then he kisses her mouth sweetly, letting it gradually boil over into passion on its own.
He doesn't tie her up that night or do anything particularly dirty, but he makes love to her and afterwards she feels so much better. Very well satisfied, yes, but also cherished and adored.
Lying in his arms with his body as her pillow, Robin presses a soft kiss to his chest. "Thank you, Barney."
"Ah, this is the life," he sighs contentedly. "Engaged to the woman I love. I have her lying here with me in bed naked after some amazing sex. And she thanks me. You're right; I did have it wrong all those years. Marriage is definitely the way to go," he impishly contends.
"No, I mean it," she smiles at his teasing. "Not for the sex – although it was amazing and just what I needed – but thank you for what you did today."
He didn't do it for the praise, never expected that from her. "It was nothing."
"It wasn't nothing. Barney, you were going to shoot a rabbit. You dyed your hair for me. You made my dad come back….And try to divorce his wife," she adds playfully.
"Hey, that part's not on me," he still insists. "I never told him to – "
"What did you say to him?" she asks, scooting up so she's lying on the pillow again to better see his face. She has to know. Whatever it was, it was powerful enough to do something no one else ever could.
What did he tell her dad? A lot more than he'd meant to. It just sort of took him over and he couldn't hold it inside anymore. "Well, after you left, I finally told him what I've wanted to say to him for a very long time….."
**Flashback**
After Barney tries to cut the tension by making a joke about the rabbit – or himself, depending on how you look at it – peeing on him, the apartment falls into silence again with nothing but the resounding of the slamming door ringing in both men's ears.
"That was a bit extreme," Robin Sr. ultimately remarks. "I can't believe she'd just dismiss me that way. And ban me from her wedding. I'm her father. I – "
"Mr. Scherbatsky," Barney interrupts severely, finally having had enough, "I've watched Robin struggle for years trying to win your approval. God only knows why, because after some of the things she's told me if I were her I wouldn't want to go near you. But for some reason she still loves you – and being loved by Robin Scherbatsky is an incredible gift. Robin's an amazing woman, but you refuse to see that, still too caught up in the fact that she wasn't a son. Well get over it! Why do you even need a son? You should be proud to call her your daughter. She's smart, funny, beautiful, witty, accomplished – and a lot of other adjectives that I'm not going to mention to her father. She's a top anchor at World Wide News. She's been on Letterman like a freakin' celebrity. Robin is unbelievably wonderful and you should consider yourself lucky just to be able to say that you know her. But you know what? You don't know her at all because you won't give her a chance. She's been pouring her heart out to you for years, just wanting your love in return, and you couldn't even tell her about your wedding. You wouldn't come see her for the past eight months even though you live twenty minutes away. With the outmost respect to my fiancée's father, you're a fool if you can't see how spectacular she is, and she doesn't need you at all. That's how I feel about it," he asserts. "But she still wants you in her life and dammit if you aren't going to give that to her. Man up for once and tell her you're sorry. How can you not want the love of someone as remarkable as she is?"
"I do," he replies. "I haven't been the most demonstrative father, but I do want her love and I want to be a part of her life."
"Then you're going to meet us again for dinner tonight and tell her that."
**Flashback**
And Barney stood outside Pizzazzy's for twenty minutes waiting for him to ensure he did just that. "So….that's what I told him."
Robin is quiet for a moment, then she presses up on her elbow to look at him. "You think I'm amazing?"
"I know you're amazing."
"And you called my father 'a fool' to his face?"
He winces. "I was going on pure instinct. I can hardly believe I said that either. I'm lucky he didn't pull out his gun and shoot me. You'd have been a widow before we're even married."
She smiles down at him. "I love you, Barney." She leans in for a long, languid kiss. "But you know what?" she says when she eventually manages to drag her lips back away from his. "You really need to change your hair back. You don't look like my Barney." She tentatively fingers a dark brown lock. "My dad is a fool. The blond suits you – and I can personally attest to the fact that you are very much a grown man."
"Yeah?" He kisses her again.
"Yeah." She glides her hand underneath the covers to wrap around him, touching him just the way he likes.
Barney moans softly. "You keep that up and I'll do some growing on you."
Robin grins. "That's what I'm hoping."
After work on Monday, Robin stops by MacLaren's to have a beer with Ted and while she's there she catches him up on the positive conclusion to this madness with her dad. Smiling happily, she confirms that, "Barney made it happen." The smile still dances on her lips but she looks down at her beer bottle now. "He must really love me."
There is a dual meaning behind her words. She said it to bask in the wonder of how much Barney really must love her, but it's also a very direct message to Ted. Barney loves me. He's good to me. I'm happy with him. Respect our relationship.
Ted seems to receive the message, proclaiming how happy he is for them both, but he wears her out for the next hour trying to convince her to dump her band and choose the DJ instead. It's a tiring argument he won't let die, but she stands firm on insisting she wants the band and only the band for her wedding.
Robin spends the twenty-three minute cab ride back to the apartment reflecting on what she told Ted. What Barney did for her really was hugely significant. And those things he said to her dad? He does really love her, and she really loves him. She wants to do something to show him how much, to show her appreciation for how hard he tried to win her father's approval and how he ended up making major repairs to her father-daughter relationship at the same time.
He won't be back until late tonight. He texted her ten minutes ago and apparently they ran into some trouble fixing his hair back to the proper color from that ink black brunette he'd changed into for her sake. He told her he ordered in takeout at the salon and he doesn't expect to be home until after ten. That gives her plenty of time to arrange a little surprise for him. Motioning to the driver, she gives him rerouting instructions because now she has a few stops to make on the way back to the apartment.
At twenty after ten, Robin is waiting for him on the couch when Barney comes walking through the door.
He sees her in a long bathrobe, covered from neck to ankles – though her feet are inexplicably bare – and he assumes she's under the weather again. "Not feeling well?" he asks.
"No, I'm much better." Robin crosses over to him where he's just laid his overcoat across the back of the chair. "I like your hair." She works his lapels between her fingers. "You're you again, and we're officially engaged by all accounts….and now we can get back to celebrating – horizontally speaking. Yes, I saw your tweet."
"A little inappropriate maybe, but it wasn't incorrect," he upholds.
"True," she agrees. "Personally, I thought it was cute."
"And that's why I'm marrying you."
She smiles. "Ask me what I did tonight."
"Robin, what did you do tonight?" Barney playfully questions.
"I spent the night at MacLaren's telling Ted what a great, amazing thing happened with my dad, how not only did he give us his approval and agree to dance with me at our wedding, but my dad actually apologized to me for the first time in my entire life. And you did that for me. You made that happen."
"So you basically spent the night telling Ted how unbelievably awesome I am?"
"Basically."
"And this from a quality woman. Suck it, Mosby," he says victoriously.
"What?" Robin laughs.
"Never mind. It's an inside thing between me and Ted."
"Do I want to know?"
"He just once told me that I may do better with women in quantity but a quality woman would choose him every time."
"Well I definitely choose you. Every time."
Barney hums a little sigh, leaning in to kiss her.
"Hey," she tells him, pulling back. "I have a present for you in the bedroom."
"Baby, you can give it to me here in the living room," he suggests amorously, reaching for her again, but she sidesteps him.
"Nope. For this one we have to travel to the bedroom."
"Is that a hint?" he asks, following readily after her. "I don't get it."
"You will." Robin opens the bedroom door and steps inside, standing out of the way so he can take in the scene she's set.
The curtains are drawn to make it extra dark, not just candles but old-fashioned oil lamps are strategically placed around the room to provide flickering ambiance, and his desk is shoved against the wall to make plenty of room on the floor for…
"It's a tiger skin rug, Desert Chieftain. And I happen to have a few spare veils. Seven of them to be exact." She takes off her robe to reveal she's wearing a sort of X-rated harem costume made entirely of thin, filmy veils in strategic spots and obviously nothing underneath. "I even bathed in fine oils and perfumes, or the closest thing we have to that nowadays." Barney just grins at her lustfully, completely blown away. "You've got me in your tent now. Why don't you sit back and let me dance for you. Then we'll see what we can get up to on that rug." He tries to lift a veil early and she edges back away from him. "Ah-ah. No peeking. Not yet. Not until the ceremonial dance is through."
"What about touching?" he asks, doing just that, trying to find a way to slip his fingers beneath the flimsy fabric to find bare skin.
"Oh, I strongly encourage touching – once the veils have been removed." She shuts the door to their 'tent' and then she's on him like a flash, stripping him of his suit coat, tie, and shirt. Kissing her way down his chest, she gets on her knees in front of him and he looks at her with a raised eyebrow and an expression that's both blissful and greedy, like a kid in a candy store. She smiles, amused, and whispers her guarantee – "Later" – only removing his shoes and socks at the moment. "Now you look more like a Chieftain." And she gently pushes him down onto the rug to watch her.
"I've gotta do nice things for you all the time," he remarks eagerly as she starts to move. He's seen plenty of women strip. But watching Robin artfully de-veil for him, slowly and sensuously removing each filmy scarf as she belly dances, moving her hips hypnotically – and he knows what those hips can do – is by far the best striptease he's ever seen. He already wants her so much it hurts. She teasingly removes the last veil, sliding it provocatively between her legs before letting it fall to the floor. Then she's naked before him and not only does he get to look but he knows he'll soon get to touch too.
"I'm yours now," she purrs, dropping down onto the tiger skin rug and slowly crawling to him. She doesn't stop until she's hovering over his lap. "Whatever you want to do to me, I'm yours."
"This is hot. This is so hot," Barney whispers into her mouth, kissing her hungrily. He reaches to pull her down fully onto him but he just misses her as she moves out of his grasp, flipping around so she's lying on her back on the rug.
Stretching out, enjoying the soft feel of the faux fear against her bare skin, Robin arches her back up to him in invitation. "Have your way with me, Chieftain."
"Oh, hell, yes." He pounces on her, and it isn't long before her hands make their way up into his freshly blonde hair.
AN: I know I'm still pretty far behind in the episodes since taking time off to work on the HIMYM book (more news to come on that later) but I promise you I'm trying to catch up just as fast as I can, but I also don't want to rush through important episodes just to get a chapter out there so please bear with me.