I finished this chapter during finals. I am not a wise person…

This chapter is named after the Ash song (not, y'know, Disco Inferno)

This chapter contains dialogue from the season 10 episode "My Body is a Cage" (2)

Chapter 36 - Burn Baby Burn

When Drew was fourteen and Gracie thirteen, Dad took them to see the midnight showing of The Dark Knight. They took their sleeping bags and thermoses full of hot chocolate and waited in the line outside the movie theatre, anticipating being the first to see the film they had talked about non-stop for months. They were second in line, behind a small group of die-hard Batman fans elaborately dressed in full costume. Drew and Gracie got their pictures taken with them and Drew still had the photos in a drawer somewhere.

He considered giving them to Adam for his bonfire. He really did.

But they were some of his favourite pictures. And they were his pictures too. And it wasn't like they weren't hurting anyone by being in a drawer somewhere.

Drew got out of bed just as Eli had pulled up to the house in his creepy car and watched out his bedroom window as Adam jumped in. They were going to some place that meant something to Eli; something really important apparently. Clare wasn't invited, neither was Drew. Not that it mattered anyway; he was invited to the bonfire and that was the most important part. He spied The Box sitting in the corner of his room; the one full of clothes to burn; the one that he and Adam had to all but wrestle off of Mom the evening before. She seemed to think that is was more charitable to donate them – Adam disagreed.

Drew forced a yawn in an attempt to wake up his face before dragging himself to the closet to pick out his own clothes. He felt like he hadn't had nearly enough sleep in the past week. As he opened the door, he was stirred into further alertness by the duffle bag rolling out of his closet; taking some odd shoes with it. And jolted into complete alertness when he remembered what was inside.

He had almost forgotten that Clare had given him Gracie's clothes. He had shoved them in an unused duffle bag on Thursday evening, unsure of what he was supposed to do with them; he was pretty sure that Adam didn't want them back, but he was hesitant about giving them to Mom, fearing that it may just be the tipping point to tears. But now he had a whole box that was just for Gracie's clothes. He could have very easily thrown them in with the rest of them, letting them turn into firewood.

But something was stopping him.

They weren't by any means some of his favorite clothes. And they definitely weren't his clothes. And he wasn't entirely sure that they weren't hurting anyone by being in a closet somewhere. Besides, he'd seen enough movies to know that keeping things secretly hidden in a duffle bag in the back of a closet meant that you were probably a serial killer or something.

He opened the bag up, pulling out the grey hoodie Clare had given him that day by the football field. He never noticed how small Gracie's clothes were before. On a whim, he pulled down one of his own hoodies (red-and-white; his old St. Catherine's colors – he wasn't sure why he still kept it, it was one of those things from his old life that he couldn't really wear anymore) from a hanger and flattened it on the floor, layering the smaller one over it.

The shoulders were where he noticed the biggest difference. Gracie's dwarfed underneath his. It reminded him of the poster that used to hang in his elementary school principal's office (he had seen her office so many times that he was sure that he had committed the entire room to memory.) A black and white picture of a girl in pigtails, sitting on a swing with her head hanging down; her face hidden. Underneath it read:

"The weight of the world should not rest on such narrow shoulders"

Mom had told him that it was about child welfare, Drew had always thought that it meant that weak people shouldn't try to lift stuff that was too heavy for them (because the skinny girl on the swing certainly would have dropped anything heavy; maybe that's why she looked so sad – she had already dropped something and felt bad about it.) But he was pretty sure that he understood it better now; people with big shoulders had to carry the weight of the world for the smaller people; it was their duty. It all made sense.

He found himself, out of simple curiosity, wandering over to Adam's room to get one of his hoodies to add to the pile. Just to see.

It was pretty obvious that Adam's hoodie wasn't nearly as small as Gracie's. Drew was certain that he could probably fit into it relatively well. It definitely didn't have narrow shoulders. Gracie's hoodie seemed unfairly outmatched, like the others were ganging up on it somehow. It was just so little compared to everyone else's. He wasn't sure why that thought bothered him so much, or why he suddenly had the overwhelming desire to protect a piece of clothing that no one was ever going to wear, but he found himself carefully wrapping his old hoodie over Gracie's before putting them both back in the duffle bag, that way if anyone, for any reason, looked inside, they'd just see his old school clothes and think nothing of it.

There could be other bonfires, he supposed. It wasn't like fifteen years of history could be destroyed in a single afternoon. It would probably take two or three afternoons to get the job done properly; they could use the clothes another day. And if not, it wasn't like anyone else knew that they were there – nobody would be looking for them.

So he quietly pushed the bag to back of the closet, next to all the other forgotten things.

.

oOo

.

Dad was telling Mom one of his classically unfunny jokes when Drew finally came down the stairs.

"-So then he says: I'd love another omelette, but I don't have mush room!"

Mom didn't even crack a pity-smile. She had stirred her latte so much that the foam had dissolved and she was left staring at the dull brown pool in her "Super Mom" mug. There were a handful of photos on the table that Drew couldn't see clearly, but could wager a good guess as to what they were. Neither she nor Dad had seemed to notice Drew there.

"They're only clothes, Audra."

"Did I ever tell you how I almost destroyed my first wedding dress?" Mom said, not looking up or bothering to see if Dad even answered the question.

"I had just left Scott, I was back at my parent's house with a one-year-old and a car filled with everything I own - everything. It all fit in my tiny '93 Ford Aspire. Scott still had the house at that point, he had moved his little blonde pregnant girlfriend in and here I was heartbroken and homeless with a baby. And there was this old wood chipper just sitting in the backyard. It had been there since I was a kid; and I had seen my dad use it so many times that I could operate it with my eyes shut. I was this close to turning a nine hundred dollar dress into confetti. But I didn't, because sometimes they're not "just clothes." It was my dad of all people who talked me out of it. He said Gracie might want to wear it one day, so I kept it. For her."

She lifted her coffee mug to her mouth as if to take a drink from it, then sighed and put it back down without taking a single sip.

"Not that I ever expected her to wear it; it's frilly and poofy and very of it's time. But… I don't know, knowing that it's never going to be worn again, or that I'll never pass down my grandmother's ring, or go shopping for wedding dres-"

She had finally spotted Drew, who suddenly felt very uncomfortable for having heard something he clearly wasn't supposed to. He started readjusting the flowers in the vase on the cabinet, hoping in absolute vain that Mom would think he had been too distracted to hear.

"Do you want the car this afternoon?" She said calmly, apparently wanting to pretend that Drew was too distracted to hear too.

"Is that okay?" Drew asked, sitting down and stealing a pear from the fruit bowl. "I know this isn't your favorite thing-"

"No," she admitted, "but it has to be done, I get that."

She wrapped her hands around her cup again, but didn't even lift it halfway before surrendering it back to the table.

"Then why don't you come?" Drew said.

Mom rolled her eyes.

"Adam doesn't want me there-"

"Sure he does," Drew insisted. "He probably just thinks you don't want to be there."

"Of course I want to be there," she tutted. "He's my son and this is important to him-"

She stopped herself, and Drew knew exactly why. Mom never made the effort to call Adam "he" when she knew he wasn't around to hear, and she definitely never used the word "son", especially not genuinely.

"I- I mean," she stammered, trying to compose herself, "I want to show my support. We all do."

"Absolutely," Dad chimed in. "We'll all go together."

He nudged Mom's fingers, still wrapped around her coffee mug and she finally smiled. Dad was the only person in the world who was fluent in Audra Torres. He'd really have to teach Drew one day.

"And you know what else this means," Dad said, pushing himself up from the table.

"What?" Drew asked.

"It means that I don't have to worry about leaving the car keys with you all afternoon."

.

oOo

.

Mom was nervous, Drew could tell. She didn't stop talking the entire car journey, and she didn't even seem to be talking to anyone in particular, or about any particular topic for very long, she just seemed to like talking.

"-I heard that we're supposed to get a downpour next week," she rambled, staring out of the window, the photograph she brought clamped tightly in her hand. "I said was going to tidy up the patio, but I suppose I could get a start on the PTA minutes instead-"

Drew let her words stream in and out of his consciousness. He had promised Alli that they could spend some time together at the weekend and she was incredibly understanding when he had to cancel; she knew how much this meant to Adam. And Drew. Still, he felt like he's have to find a way to make it up to her somehow. He hadn't been the best boyfriend as of late.

"-But they've finally decided, after two years of meetings, that it isn't financially viable to rebuild Lakehurst High School, can you believe it? And you know that that means that the classroom sizes at Degrassi are going to stay ridiculously high. They don't have the faculty numbers to facilitate that many students-"

Then again, he hadn't been the best anything as of late. He had been a pretty pathetic boyfriend, and a sub-par football player, and really, really poor excuse for a brother. At least he was making for the last one a little bit. He figured that since he was redeeming himself on the brother front, he would finally have a bit of time to work on his boyfriend skills. Alli deserved better than a guy who was too busy to be with her half the time and totally distracted the other half.

"-I mean, they can run the gifted program, and build a "state-of-the-art radio station", but they can't hire another math teacher"-

He wasn't too sure about the football. He didn't look forward to the day that Owen was allowed back on the team, and he was pretty sure that Riley was going to make sure that he'd never get to start as QB while he was still captain. At least K.C. and Zane were cool.

"-I don't know what that man's thinking half the time. How he became principal I'll never know-"

At least no one ever expected him to be a good student.

"We're here."

Dad pulled over by the front gates of the ravine, turning around to look at Drew in the back seat.

"You ready, champ?"

Drew nodded dutifully, pulling the clothes out of the top of the box and jumping out of the car.

Adam, Eli and Clare were in their own little world, completely unaware that they weren't alone anymore. Drew had to override the urge to sneak up on Adam, reasoning that startling someone inches away from a bonfire was probably not the best idea. Instead he let out a loud "whoop".

Adam looked straight past him, setting his sights onto Mom.

"You force her to come?" he asked. He looked surprised, but not necessarily displeased.

"Nope," said Drew bluntly before Adam could argue. "If we're going to do this then we have some ugly-ass clothes to burn."

He handed Adam the white top (he had to admit, it really was quite ugly), keeping the blue hoodie as his own.

"After you," said Adam, nodding towards Drew.

Drew didn't know why Adam wanted him to go first; Adam had seemed quite determined to burn everything as quickly as possible. Maybe he was testing him. Or maybe he just needed little bit of encouragement.

"Alright," Drew sighed. He could see Mom and Dad closing the gap on Adam's other side, completing the group.

A blast of heat from the bonfire hit him square in the face as the flames grew higher. Nothing was going to last long in it, especially not clothes so small and unwanted. He forced himself to remember that there was a very good reason that they were unwanted and swung the hoodie towards the fire, Adam following suit.

And then they both just… let go. He didn't even realise how heavy the clothes really were until he dropped them.

The arms of the hoodie were the first to burn. Drew considered if this meant something significant before instantly dismissing the idea as stupid. No one else seemed to have such ridiculous thoughts; all looking at the fire contentedly, like they were watching a Christmas film or something. Mom silently gave Adam the photograph without any sign of hesitation or regret.

"Are you sure?" Adam asked in a strange quiet voice. Showing Mom the photo again as if to check with her that she was aware of what she had given him.

She quite say yes, but she nodded her head towards the flames and that was good enough for Drew.

He could feel the smoke starting to burn in the back of his throat and tried to quietly clear it away. He crossed his arms tightly over his chest, waiting for Adam to throw the photo into the fire along with everything else.

But Adam didn't make any move to throw the picture it in the fire. If anything, he was holding onto it even tighter. He shook it a few times like it was a Polaroid, or maybe an etch-a-sketch; Drew supposed it depended of if he wanted to keep it or erase it.

"Not ready to burn it?" Drew asked, although it felt less like he was a question and more like he was providing a perfectly acceptable reason.

"It's still me," Adam said, glancing over at Drew, and for just a fraction of a second, pulled the same face as the girl in the photo. Drew didn't know what to make of it, so he just… let it go. He ruffled Adam's head and put his arm around him. Adam didn't shake Drew off like he typically did; instead he tilted his head so that the weight of it was resting on Drew's shoulder. It was a hug, maybe not the kind of hug Drew was used to; it was different kind of hug, but a hug nonetheless.

Mom moved herself closer to Adam, for a second Drew thought that she was going to snatch the picture back, but instead she kissed her son on the cheek. Usually Adam would pull a face, or at least roll his eyes, but he didn't resist or complain, even with his friends standing right there. None of them took their eyes off the photograph, all of them were wordlessly looking at the photo of the little girl that Drew so adored; the one he'd do anything for; the one he'd do everything in his power to protect; the one who could comfort him without having to utter a single word. His little sister.

She was really gone.

He pulled Adam in tighter, swaying them both slightly, like some dual-pendulum. It probably looked weird to everyone else, but he didn't particularly care. He found the rocking motion oddly comforting. He could hear Mom sigh from Adam's other side.

"We can go above the ears."

He felt his shoulder twinge slightly as Adam lifted himself off of it. He hadn't noticed how heavy Adam's head had been; Drew wondered what could possibly be in there to make it weigh so much.

"What?" Adam said, looking at her blankly.

"I said we would compromise with the hair and this is me keeping my word," Mom said, business-like. "We can go above the ears if you want."

Adam smiled at her in a way Drew hadn't seen in a long time. He wasn't sure what it was about destroying the clothes that just made everything feel better and new; he knew on a logical level that people at school were still going to be jerks, and that Mom still had a lot of coming around to do, but there was just something about watching all the bad memories turn to ash which just made the future look so much brighter. He was starting to regret keeping the little grey hoodie now. Throwing it in the fire would have probably been the best thing to do with it. Now Drew had a girl's hoodie hiding in his bedroom closet; he was pretty sure most normal teenage boys didn't have such problems. He tried to push the idea out of his head and back into his closet and watched as the clothes started to curl up into little black balls of nothingness. No one said anything, or even dared to move; they all just stood there, watching everything burn away. There was something quite hypnotic about it.

"Um," Clare softly chimed in after a very long time, "should someone say something?"

"Do you-" Mom said, gently rubbing her hand between Adam's shoulder blades. He cleared his throat.

"So," Adam started. "We're gathered here today – no, that sounds like a wedding. Let me start again."

He looked at the photograph that was still in his free hand, staring at the kid watching him with her big Gracie eyes. He stayed looking at it, like he was talking directly to her; trying to offer her some sort of explanation for a situation she didn't quite understand yet.

"So, uh, I was a really happy kid," Adam began again. "I can't really remember ever feeling all that sad or confused or anything. I was just being myself and people thought it was fine, or cute, I guess, I don't know. And then it stopped being okay to just be myself; I had to act like someone else. And that sucked. And then I stopped even looking like myself. And that really sucked."

"And I tried really hard to be that person, to be Gracie, but nothing I did worked. Because I was always Adam; I didn't always have the name, or the words, but that's who I always was. I didn't change, everything else did. And I don't have to change, everybody else does."

Adam stopped, looking over to Clare who gave him understanding smile. Drew had no idea why. He wondered how true that really was, if Gracie really was Adam the whole time, or if something changed along the way. He tried to imagine a little kid Adam, with short messy hair and grass-stained jeans and wondered if it really would have all been the same; if he'd still be the hero big brother, if he'd still be the proud keeper of secrets and magic healer of obviously hurt knees and less obviously hurt feelings. Or even just a non-trans teenage Adam, with long awkward limbs, towering over Drew, much to his annoyance; would he still be needed for something as complicated as girl advice or as simple as a hug every now and then? He had to resign himself to the fact that he'd never have answers to those questions, and that he'd just have to accept that even if Adam wasn't necessarily his yesterday, he was his today and he was going to make damn well sure that he'd be his tomorrow too.

"So I guess it's not that we're saying goodbye," Adam said. "But it's not hello either, it's like… well it's like…"

"Welcome back?" Drew offered.

"No," Adam said carefully, "that's not it. It's nice, but it's not it."

"Salutations?" Eli suggested.

Adam paused for a second, shaking the photo again.

"I suppose it's sort of a salutation," he said, "a little bit, but-"

"-Maybe there isn't really a good word for it," Mom said, wiping a stray fleck of ash from Adam's cheek. "Maybe it just… is. And maybe we just have to accept that, even if it's challenging sometimes."

The ash was gone, but Mom's hand stayed, framing over one side of Adam's face.

"Yeah, maybe we do," Adam whispered. Drew wasn't sure if he was supposed to hear it, but smiled to himself anyway, watching as the embers fireflied up out of the dying flames and fizzed in the air.

Everything started to fade. The overwhelming smell of smoke started to settle until it began to feel like the few seconds after blowing out the candles on a birthday cake. Drew even had the ridiculous urge to make a wish, but he wasn't entirely sure what he wanted more that anything else in the world. Or if what he wanted was particularly fair or reasonable. He settled on wishing that the worst of everything would be over now.

He felt like that wasn't too much to ask for.

.

oOo

.

In the next chapter: Drew finally decides to spend some time with Alli. Of course, being Drew, it doesn't all go according to plan.