Primoris Oraculum Duo (First Prophecy Two)

Chapter 38

Severus sent one last message to Draco, Ron and Hermione before leaving with Harry and Remus: write to Harry often; keep him connected with you by sending him news and asking inconsequential questions. Don't press him for answers, and don't expect them; but keep communicating with him, and let him know he is not forgotten.

Harry now stood on the hearth in Dumbledore's office, his trunk beside Severus's. Remus had already taken his own trunk through the floo and was now going through with a trunk of school books and supplies.

When he appeared again, Severus took his and Harry's through. Harry stood silently, eyes downcast, unwilling to look at Dumbledore after what had happened. Dumbledore came to stand in front of him and spoke softly, "I am so sorry, my boy. I pushed you to do what you were not ready for. I hope that with time you will forgive a foolish old man his mistakes."

Harry looked up into the blue eyes then, and didn't try to hold back his expression of resentment. He felt like they were all having to go to a lot of trouble for him and he hated knowing he was inconveniencing them. But Dumbledore … he had placed Harry with the Dursley's. Maybe if he had never been there, his life wouldn't be so screwed up now. Maybe he could have been a normal person …

He felt Severus touch him then and he stepped back, before looking up. Severus was frowning slightly, but all he said was, "It's time to say goodbye now."

Harry looked at Dumbledore again, and then wordlessly went to stand beside Remus. He had nothing to say to Dumbledore.

Remus gave Dumbledore a nod and then looked at Harry. "Ready?" At Harry's nod, he pulled him beside himself and threw down more floo powder. Harry had not heard them saying a destination when they had gone before, and this time was no different.

Stepping out into an unfamiliar room, Harry almost had to shade his eyes. Everything was bright, white and light colors, and sun-filled. He walked around slowly, noting the billowing gauzy curtains over sliding glass doors, white sailcloth covered sofas and soft chairs, light oak tables, and accent pieces that were solid, but at the same time not heavy like the furniture in the castle. Their trunks sat grouped by a hallway that led to more rooms and a stairway.

Harry went to the sliding glass doors and walked out onto a shaded veranda. His breath seemed to catch in his chest at the beauty before him. The scenery outside Hogwarts was impressive, and at times breathtaking, but this was so dazzling that he had to fight the urge to close his eyes again. The sky was a deep, bright blue that met an equally bright turquoise blue body of water stretching endlessly from side to side. Directly below the veranda, the trees were a green he had not seen in Britain. It ended as it met with a white sandy beach. He could hear the crash of waves as they rushed up onto the shore. Here and there along the beach, bright striped umbrellas shaded people who were there enjoying the day. He spent a long time just looking and then turned back into the house.

Noises issued from other rooms and he followed them to find Severus and Remus setting up a full potions lab in what looked like the dining room. They looked at him when he entered and Severus said, "There's a breakfast room to eat in; this room is best for potions as it has no windows to the outside." He lifted a cauldron and moved it to the top of the long table. "Your trunk is in your room. If you want one of the other rooms instead, you may switch."

Harry watched a while longer and then left to have a look at the room they had chosen for him. Walking up the stairs, he couldn't help putting a hand on the wall. It was painted a sandstone yellow, light and cool to the touch. There were exposed beams in the ceiling when he looked up. The ceilings here had a nearness that Hogwarts didn't have, without the closed in feeling of the house on Privet Drive.

He looked into other doors along the next hallway and found trunks that belonged to Severus and Remus in two rooms, then a bathroom, another bedroom, and then at the end of the hallway, a last bedroom. He gasped at this one. It was the largest of the four and seemed to be the width of the whole side of the house. He walked out onto the private balcony and the view here was even more breathtaking than the one from the other veranda. Here, he could still see the water and beach off to his right, but when he looked left, he could see distant mountains after a flat field of soft green grass. A dirt road wound away from the house and over a low hill. Spiral steps led from this balcony down to a small garden.

Harry walked back into the room. Why would they give him this room? This was a room for someone special, or at least a grownup. The bed was huge, a light oak four poster with a light blue gauzy netting hanging down all four sides. Another door led to a closet. Harry looked at this small space, feeling a constriction in his chest. Hogwarts didn't have closets. The house on Privet Drive had wardrobes in the bedrooms, and one very memorable closet. He closed the door to this one quickly and turned back to the room. There was too much space here. What was he supposed to do with it all?

Unable to process those thoughts, he went to the trunk and got out Prongs. Maybe the closet would be better … it wasn't as small as the cupboard, but not as large as the room he had back at Hogwarts. Going to the bed, he dragged the bedspread and top sheet off and into the closet. Folding it all lengthwise, he made a sort of sleeping bag. The pillows joined the pallet and Harry took Prongs in last. There, that felt more secure. No one could sneak up on him.

When Severus came up to check on Harry later, he found him asleep on the floor of the closet, curled into a ball on the pallet. He started to wake him and make him move to the bed. But after some thought, he decided to leave it for now. If Harry felt better being in the closet, then they would have to talk about why, before they could figure out how to get him into a real bed. He was at a loss, and the feeling of not knowing exactly what to do irritated him. Along with the pangs of withdrawal, he did not feel up to dealing with it just yet. Better to concentrate on brewing the Wolfsbane. He silently pulled the door to the bedroom almost closed, wanting the small gap so that they could hear Harry if he had a nightmare.

Going back down to the dining room-turned-Potions lab, he meticulously set up the cauldron and ingredients necessary for the Wolfsbane. Remus came in a short while later.

With a frown, he asked, "Did you see where Harry was sleeping?"

"Yes; and I believe we should let him stay there for the time being. Giving him the largest room may have been a mistake. He obviously feels too exposed if he is out in the open."

Remus nodded. "I agree." He watched Severus for a moment and then said, "I'll see what the food supply boxes have for dinner." He left after Severus remained intent on the potion he was brewing.

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Severus went up to Harry's room when dinner was ready. Harry was awake and standing out on the balcony. The sun was setting over the water and Harry was looking into the fading light. Severus joined him at the balcony rail.

When the last bit of sun sank below the edge of the horizon, Harry asked, "Are you very angry at me for what I said to Professor Dumbledore?"

Severus turned surprised eyes toward Harry and started to speak, then, seeing Harry's tense expression, he stopped. Gathering his thoughts, he said, "I can see where you might think that I was. But he deserved what you said, even if it wasn't done in a very respectful way. I understand your anger at him for cornering you like that."

"I wanted to stop thinking about all those … scenes I showed him. But once I started, I just wanted to show him how much he hurt me … I wanted him to hurt." He looked at Severus then. "I wanted him to hurt, so that makes me as bad as Voldemort, doesn't it?"

Severus immediately stepped towards Harry and laid a hand on his shoulder. Harry tried not to flinch at the contact and Severus dropped his hand away. "You will never be close to being as bad as the Dark Lord. Just because you want someone to understand the depth of what you feel does not make you a bad person."

Harry was quiet for awhile as he looked back out over the sunset that was turning pink and purple. "I feel like I'm a bad person. I feel … unclean somehow. How can anyone stand to be near …" His voice broke then and he stopped.

Severus could see a muscle working at his jaw line. Risking it, he reached out his hand again to Harry without touching him. "You are not unclean, Harry."

Harry looked down at the hand Severus held out for a long time. Then he took it in his own. Severus pulled him gently over and put the arm around his shoulder. Severus stood firm as Harry gave a shiver, and then he said gently, "You know that this does not come easy for me to be patient. You know that I have not been a good person in this life. But, I do know you, after all this time. You are a good person, a strong young man. You have quite a lot of obstacles to overcome, some torments to deal with. I will not be an expert at helping deal with them, but I will do the best I can."

He led Harry back into the room and Harry asked, "Do I have to have this room?"

"If it makes you uncomfortable, no. Remus and I thought that you would enjoy having such a large amount of space, and that you would enjoy the view. We can move you to the other bedroom down the hall, if you like."

Harry stood in the middle of the room, looking lost. Then he glanced at the closet, where they could both see the twisted blanket and sheet as evidence that he had slept there. His face flushed and Severus said quietly, "If that is where you are most comfortable …"

The emotions inside him roiled up again, though Harry could not say where they came from, nor why. The flush became one of anger and not embarrassment. "Why are you always doing that?" Fists clenched at his sides. "I'm not some itty baby that you have to coddle all the time!"

Whirling around, he went quickly back out onto the balcony and started down the spiral steps. Severus stepped out and leaned over the rail. "Dinner is ready. Come back inside."

A muffled shout of what was possibly "Shut up!" came from below. Severus took a long breath against the increased pounding in his head. He was in no mood to be patient. He was not in any shape to puzzle out the abrupt change in mood. He turned on his heel and went through the room, and back downstairs.

At the kitchen table he stopped and glared at Remus. "Harry is in the gardens, if you care to have a go at getting him in here. He is most volatile at the moment, and I am not much better. If you would be so kind as to get my next potion dose …"

Remus looked at him and took a breath of his own. "It's not time for your next dose. You have several hours yet to go this time. Sit down and try to eat. Perhaps that will settle you. I'll let Harry alone for a bit." His golden eyes were concerned and Severus suddenly knew how Harry had felt, angry at the condescension.

"I am not hungry," he bit out. He whirled away again and Remus heard the door to the dining room slam shut.

With a sigh, Remus sat down to eat his own dinner. He had a feeling he would need whatever fortification he could get, and a great deal of patience.

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Remus went out into the gardens later. At first, he was alarmed when he didn't find Harry right away. Then, he found him, laying on his back with his hands behind his head, on a patch of green grass. He was staring up at the stars overhead. Remus joined him there, lacing his own fingers together to support his head.

Harry pointed a finger at the constellation Lupis. "There you are."

Remus looked over at him silently for a few minutes. "Where are you?"

For a long time Remus thought Harry wasn't going to answer. Then he said softly, "I'm nowhere."

"You are somewhere. You are here and you are safe."

Harry took his eyes off the sky and looked at Remus. "I made Severus angry again."

"He is frustrated at not knowing what to do for you. We both are."

"I told you what I wanted a long time ago … before Uncle Vernon –" He looked back up at the stars. "Now, I want it more than ever. If I wasn't so tired … so afraid … I'd have avada kedavra'd myself."

Remus raised himself up to lean on his elbow. "Do you believe that we care so little for you that we'd let you do that?"

"I don't see how you can stop me, actually. With or without a wand, I could do it." He sat up and hugged his knees. "You should just do it and put us all out of our misery. Then you could go back to your life, Severus could go back to his and everyone could stop looking at me like I'll really be able to do something that will make a difference."

Remus sat up. This talk of suicide was disturbing, but he knew he shouldn't simply pass it over. "You seem really focused on your death right now. May I tell you what your life means to me? Perhaps you could see why I would never be able to hurt you."

Harry didn't answer, and Remus took that as a sign to go ahead and tell him what he meant to him, and to all his other friends. Remus spoke slowly, carefully detailing events that occurred from before Harry was born to the moment when Remus first held him. "You were squalling and red-faced, and angry. James was trying to quiet you so Lily could take a nap. Sirius and I came in and he just thrust you into my arms. 'Make him stop before Lily thinks I'm a complete failure at fatherhood,' he said." Remus chuckled at the memory. "You smelled so sweet, so good … I just put you up over my shoulder and patted your back … your hair stayed flat when you were a newborn. It was as fine and as soft as silk. Your whole head fit in the palm of my hand. You grabbed a handful of my hair as I held you, and suddenly, you got quiet. James and Sirius came running over in a panic, thinking you had stopped breathing. They were gobsmacked when they saw that you had fallen asleep so quickly." Remus stared out over the garden for a long time, lost in the memory. "Lily and James had already made Sirius your Godfather. Werewolves aren't allowed to be named as such, anyway. But they told me then, they considered me just as much your godfather as Sirius."

The breeze in the garden carried the smell of roses as they sat silently for a long time. Remus finally broke the silence. "You probably want to know why I never told you that … why I never tried to contact you … It was the werewolf thing again. I have no real status that makes it possible for me to do anything in a legal guardian sort of way. Besides, I believed, at first, that Sirius had betrayed your parents, and me, on the night they were killed. I believed that he deserved Azkaban … that was a loss I was hard-pressed to deal with. It was with relief that I learned Dumbledore had placed you with Lily's sister. I had to believe that you were safe there. I'm sorry I was so wrong about that belief. I would have come years ago …"

Harry turned his head to gaze at Remus. Remus thought that he was about to deliver an angry response to the fact that Remus had let Harry be placed with the Dursleys. Instead, Harry reached out his hand and touched the hair that fell in graying waves over Remus's shoulder. "That must be why it helps me now … to touch your hair." He rubbed a section between his fingers and then let it go. Standing up, he extended a hand. Remus took it and Harry drew him to his feet.

Standing there, facing each other, Remus thought again that Harry would say something about how he had been abandoned by him. Harry merely looked at him for a long moment and then said, "If it's not too much trouble, could you …" he held out a hand tentatively. Remus grabbed it and pulled Harry into a warm hug. He put his hand against Harry's head, like he had done when he was an infant, holding it against his shoulder. He patted Harry's back gently. Harry wound his fingers into a lock of the werewolfs's hair, sighing. They stood for a long time like that; Harry relaxing into the hug, Remus glad to be able to give Harry a little security.

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Severus made it to the next scheduled dose, but it was a painful interval. They were lengthening the time in between doses and his body was rebelling against the decreasing pain relief potion. When he could have this next vial, his hands were shaking badly and his joints were a mass of fiery nerve endings with every movement. He was sorely tempted to add a glass of Firewhiskey as a chaser, but he knew that would only add to the trouble. He had changed into lighter-weight clothing and was lying out on the veranda, an arm thrown over his eyes. The breeze had a salty tang to it, and the darkness of the night was easier on his reddened eyes.

He heard Remus step outside and sit on another lounger. The clink of ice in a glass and the scent of alcohol told him that Remus felt no need to deny himself the relaxing benefits of the Firewhiskey. For a moment, he felt a surge of angry irritation and then it died back. Without lifting his arm, he asked, "Did Harry ever eat?"

"No. But we had a sort of talk. He was afraid you were angry with him. I told him we were simply frustrated at not knowing exactly what to do for him."

"What did he say to that?"

"He said he still wished to die and if he was strong enough, he would avada kedavra himself. Then he told me I should put him out of his misery so we could get on with our lives."

Severus sat up quickly and was rewarded by a blinding pain in his head. He leaned his forehead into his hands and peered up at Remus through a curtain of hair. "And what did you say to that?"

"I told him about how much he meant to me when he was a newborn … how I felt about him then."

"That worked?" Severus asked in amazement.

"It was the truth," Remus defended. Then he sighed, "But I am not sure it had the whole effect I wanted. He liked hearing it well enough, but I believe he is still suicidal."

"Did you take his wand?"

Remus gave him shake of his head and snorted. "He reminded me that either by wand or wandless, he was capable of doing the deed."

Severus stood up shakily, "I'll go make him see reason."

"Sit down, you idiot."

Severus scowled angrily. "What?" He made an attempt to loom menacingly over Remus.

"You heard me. Sit down before you fall down. We both know you're in no condition to talk to him, to make him 'see reason', as you put it." Remus ran a hand back through his hair and slumped back into the chair. "Harry can't see reason right now. He's adrift with trying to make sense of his life. What he needs is a sense of purpose." He looked at Severus again and inclined his head toward the other chair.

Severus slowly sat back down, silently grateful to be back where the world wasn't swaying dangerously. He asked snidely, "I suppose you have a plan to give him this sense of purpose you believe he needs?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. I worked on a schedule while I ate. He needs to get back to his school work. He needs to have something else to occupy his mind besides the wish for death. I know you are somewhat preoccupied by your own difficulties right now, so I intend to start him back with classes first thing in the morning. The busier we keep him, the better."

Severus stared at him for a while in thought. "What if he is resistant to that?"

"I don't think he will be as resistant as all that. Right now, he doesn't want either of us upset with him. I'll use that if I have to, to get him to do the work."

Severus quirked an eyebrow at Remus. "That's quite the Slytherin attitude, Lupin."

Remus smiled crookedly. "There's a little bit of Slytherin in all of us. There's even some Gryffindor in you, but I've never been so rude as to suggest such a thing to your face."

Severus snorted and leaned back, putting the arm back over his eyes again. The pounding in his head was barely subsiding now. "History is his weakest subject. He does better if you challenge him to see it as a way of learning strategy techniques."

Remus stared at the inert form of the Potions Master until he heard soft snores. Waving his wand, he summoned a light blanket from inside the villa. He carefully draped it over the other man. He knew that he wouldn't sleep all night out here; the withdrawal would prevent more than a short reprieve. But he needed all the sleep he could get. The intervals between potions doses increased every time now.

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Remus found it difficult to be firm with Harry when he balked at beginning class the next day. Harry silently ignored Remus's summons to a corner of the small library where he had set up a desk and chair. He stayed in the garden, idly plucking the petals off a flower until Remus came to stand over him, hands on hips.

"Harry, it's time to get started on some classwork. I have a schedule of subjects ready. If you'd rather begin with one over the others, you may choose; but it's time to get on with it."

Harry sat there, focused on the flower. Just as Remus started to say something else, he asked softly, "What's the point? Just teach me the curse I need to know to get rid of Voldemort. I'll do it and then this can all be over."

Remus squatted down and Harry looked up at him. He searched Remus's face and added, "That's all I'm here for, isn't it? To fulfill the damn prophecy? I don't need to know any of the other stuff."

Sighing heavily, Remus sat down in the grass. "Harry … is that what you really believe? That you're simply a means to an end?"

Harry nodded, looking back down as he plucked another flower to pull apart. Remus looked out over the garden. After a few minutes, he said, "I can't begin to know how much pressure you've felt, knowing that you're the one who will have to kill that monster. But that's not why I want you to learn all the other things. You need those things because there is more to life than that prophecy. You will have a life to live until then and afterwards. That's one single moment in time, not all of it. I know that it seems like everything focuses on it, because it will mean so much to the rest of the wizarding world. But that does not mean that you have only that one purpose. You are a great wizard. There is so much potential in what your life will be. Let me help you realize that potential. Let's make some goals that focus, not just on the prophecy, but what you might like to do afterwards."

"I can't think of anything that I'd like to do."

"Then let's get started on lessons. I promise not to let them be as boring as Binns. We can work at your pace and learn about things you want to learn about. Along the way, perhaps you'll find what you want to work towards." He stood back up and extended a hand down to Harry.

Harry slowly reached up and took it, allowing Remus to pull him to his feet. Remus steered him back into the house.

Severus stood in the door of the potions lab. He had listened as the two had spoken and he was glad that Lupin had been the one to talk Harry in to learning again. He knew that he would not have been as insightful nor as patient in his present state of mind. While he resented not being the one Harry was listening to, he was grateful that he was listening to someone, even Lupin. His respect for the werewolf was continuing to grow, however grudgingly.

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A/N: Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! I crave reviews…I love them…I appreciate the time you take to give them! Your feedback helps me know that you are still interested and I haven't sent you off into dreamland yet!

Thank you logicalquirk for your patient beta work! Love you lots!