Thanks for all your reviews. They really do encourage me to keep going and not be lazy, I really needed it with this chapter...
He manages to get half way down the corridor before Brendan's turning him around pushing him into the stone so hard he drops his bag.
Then Brendan's mouth is on his, tongue invading. He opens his mouth kisses him back harder. Brendan groans and he pushes himself closer. They're chest to chest, groin to groin and there's Brendan's hand on the back of his thigh lifting his leg, encouraging him to wrap it around his hip. He goes with him. Moves with him. It's hot and frantic, lips sliding, tongues fighting, teeth catching lips, his chest burns with the lack of oxygen. Brendan grinds into him and he can't help the groan that escapes into Brendan's mouth because he's right there. All power. All…
Brendan grinds hard into him, starting to rock, starting an intense rhythm and it's a little too hard, a little too intense and more that little desperate. Brendan's hands are in his hair pulling back making his neck strain, then he's mouths there, stubble burning as he attacks his jaw.
"You can't leave me." Brendan's breathless, finger's digging into his waist and back.
It's like a tonne weight on his shoulders. He thought he'd been crystal clear about Brendan not being able to control him and he's not going it over again. There's only one thing for it.
He embraces Brendan's mouth on him, his firm body against his, he runs his hands down his chest, across his jaw, places a hand on the back of Brendan's head pulls him up plants his lips against his slows the kiss makes it more intense then breaks it off. Brendan's staring at him, pupils blown. Everything he wants right there in front of him.
He pushes his leg down to the floor. Pulls his shirt back onto his shoulders where it's managed to slip.
"That was goodbye." He states. It feels like a lead weight.
"No." Brendan replies shaking his head, his grip on his back intensifying.
"Yeah, yeah it was. What was it you said to me that time? Oh yeah it has to be."
"Don't use my own words against me in this. Please." His head is on his shoulder, then it's over his shoulder as he pulls him into a hug. "I need you."
It's like Brendan has a hand on his heart and is squeezing it because there was a time when that would have been the only thing he needed to hear.
"Not enough to come and get me though."
Brendan grips him tighter, pressing his lips into his neck like if he keeps holding on it will be enough to keep him there.
"I wanted to. Every day I wanted to." It's not enough to even scratch the surface.
He nods to himself, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, gathers himself together and kisses Brendan on the cheek.
"We could have been great." It's like all of Brendan's strings have been cut and the sagging of his body is enough that he can duck under his arm and pick up his bag.
He looks up. Oh this could get very, very ugly.
Dean's standing there, staring at them. Mouth opening and shutting like a goldfish.
He's got opportunity. The distraction. He goes to move past Dean.
"Brendan?" Dean's voice is barely there.
"Dean." Brendan is back to alert.
He wonders just how Brendan is going to play this so much so he takes he eyes off them. He feels someone hand on him half a second before his head is smacking off the stone wall. He ducks on instinct and feels the whoosh of air over his back, a slap of flesh against stone and the tell-tale snap of bone.
He dodges left and away from the wall and see's the bit of blond hair just before he catches a knee to the side and into his ribs. It winds him and he's waiting for the next blow but it doesn't come.
"Calm the fuck down." Brendan's shouting.
"You and him." Dean's thrashing in Brendan's arms. "Always fucking Steven isn't it? Get off me." Brendan lets him go, although he makes sure he puts himself between Ste and Dean. "You promised me! You promised me!"
"Dean." Brendan says. He knows that tone. It's the calm down tone, the 'I'm harder and bigger than you so just think about what you do next because I'm not above using my advantages'. Strange how it always used to make his anger worse but he's seen it work on plenty of others.
It doesn't work on Dean either, apparently. Although given the position he just caught them in he's not sure anything would work on him either.
"You promised that it was me! That I was the one that you wanted!" Tears are running down Dean's cheeks. "That I took the nightmares away. That I fixed you!"
"You do." Brendan says and the tone has shifted. It's warm and calming like he's talking to a wounded animal that's threatening to take his arm off.
"That was it. That was our goodbye." Brendan states. "I… I just needed to say goodbye and Steven he…" He better watch the next words out of his mouth. "He just threw himself at me. He's sorry aren't you Steven? Course he is. He just gets over emotional. I made it clear to him that I only want you and he couldn't handle it."
He smiles sadly to himself and shakes his head. Really? Really Brendan Brady, only fucking you.
Two minutes ago saying that he needed him, now blaming him to keep another man.
He picks himself off the floor and he dusts himself down. Fuck this.
He buttons his shirt in the middle and picks up his bag.
"Steven wait." Brendan shouts.
"See always fucking Steven!" Dean screams.
That boy is not stable. Brendan's picked himself up a complete nutter on the inside. Well he's sure he's had a lot of interesting conquests in prison. After all Brendan always said he wasn't not a monk. He snorts to himself as he walks down the stairs. He can hear the shouting up stairs but he's not listening.
Yates gives him a disapproving look although since he can feel blood running down the side of his face it's not all that surprising.
"Seeya." He smiles and walks out onto the floodlit gravel, into the cold night air which hits him hard that he feels weakness run through every inch of his body.
"Where the hell have you been?" Laura asks. "Been waiting like an hour." She leaning against the boot of Callum's car. Callum out of sight in the car. "What happened?" She asks walking towards him and as soon as she's within reach she touches his jaw and looks at the side of his face.
"Run in with a wall." He says and Christ he's tired.
"Who?" She asks concerned.
"Brendan's boy toy."
"I know you're skinny but I thought you could fight." She says as she's checking the wound.
He knocks her hand away. He uses he shirt tails to wipe at the blood. Laura grimaces.
"What?"
"Bitch to get blood stains out of that."
Like he cares.
"Ste?" Laura asks and there's concern there again.
"Yeah?" She must have asked a question but he's not been following.
"I asked if you're ready."
"Yeah."
The boots open. He didn't see her open it but he had to have because he's standing right in front of it.
"Laura."
"Ste."
"I feel weird."
"Weird how?"
"Weak, I'm zoning out."
"How hard did you hit your head?" Her fingers are on his jaw and she's looking into his eyes.
"Not hard."
She lets go gently and frowns.
"When was the last time you ate?"
He can't remember. It seems so insignificant given what just happened.
"You spent last night on a hillside in the pouring rain and you haven't eaten." She shakes her head at him. She opens the back driver side door.
"Where's the cornflake squares?" She asks.
"Where you left them." Callum's tone is icy and he wonders if they've had an argument. Probably.
"Oh do try to be helpful." She sneers. Defiantly had an argument. She shuts the back door but not hard so it wasn't that bad. Or maybe it was.
She pulls the tub out of the car as well as a bottle.
"Come on." She leads him to a small bench to the side of the car. "Here." She places bottle of lucozade in his hand. "Drink that. Eat this. We're not going anywhere until you have." She walks back to the boot and pulls out a blanket. She brings it back and wraps it around him.
"You could just ask Callum to put the heaters on." He mutters.
"I'd rather not ask him for anything at the moment."
"Bad?" He asks because it's distracting. It takes his mind off everything.
She shrugs and makes an indecisive face.
He sits and eats although he barely has the energy and he has to give up after one, he's slumping more and more, struggling to hold his body upright.
"Ste!" Cheryl shouts and runs towards them with her ridiculously high heels, she stumbles more than once in the gravel. She stops short.
"What happened?" She asks moving forward but he holds his arm out to block her. "You can't just leave."
He's sick of people telling him what he can and can't do but he's too tired and too off balance to start another argument because he doesn't think he has the energy to see it through.
"I think I'm done here." He wants to sleep for a week. Sleep then deal with walking away because he's not thinking about it. He won't let himself.
"You don't know what it's been like…"
"No I don't but…" He sighs. "I honestly don't care Cheryl."
"You don't want…"
"A life story? A catch up?" He sighs rubbing his head. There's a throbbing there. A dull ache that is only getting worse.
"I want to explain what happened."
"You felt guilty and you wanted me to make you feel better? I got that."
"I wanted to say sorry."
"Yeah, it's not going to cut it. Enjoy your life. Oh congratulations on your baby."
She looks stumped, he can see her anger building and he doesn't want or need to hear any more so he picks himself up and walks to the car, opening the door to the back. He drops into the seat and shuts the door.
"Alright?" Callum asks.
"Don't." He doesn't want anyone asking him anything, wanting anything from him, he lies across the back seat then curls up with the blanket around him and closes his eyes.
He wakes in daylight. The car's not moving but the engine is running. His head is heavy and his chest hurts. He hasn't even got the energy to lift his head and ask where they are.
"If he's dead you can get rid of the body." Callum's saying lightly. "Are you still above digging graves?"
He recognises that they're fooling around. And he gives half a thought to what he missed because they weren't anywhere near joking with each other when he went to sleep.
"He's not dead, he's sleeping you tit." Laura replies and he can hear the smile.
"It's been ten hours."
"He's tired. He went through a lot." There's concern there. "When we finally board we'll wake him up and get him to try and eat something." He hears shuffling and feels a brush of fingers against his forehead. "He's getting warm, hope he hasn't caught anything."
Now she mentions it he does feel hot. Too hot. Sticky. He tries to move the blanket but it's stuck under him and he ends up hitting the back of Callum's seat as he tries to extract it.
"Finally woke the dead." Callum states and he sees Laura tap him on the arm.
"Water?" She offers him a bottle.
He's really thirsty. He needs to sit up to drink but he can't get his limbs to cooperate. They're too heavy. He closes his eyes and hears the door opening. Laura helps him sit up.
"You don't look so good." She says and undoes the lid before handing to him. It takes everything to lift up the bottle and take a sip.
"Uh." He feels horrible. His heads pounding.
Laura sits beside him as Callum is directed where to park on the Ferry.
He still doesn't feel very good by the time their half way across the Irish Sea and Laura sends Callum to get some Ibuprofen for his headache.
"I can see a doctor in your future." She states as she hands the pills over.
"I see a doctor in front of me."
"If you can make cracks like that you'll live." She smiles softly.
It's raining by the time they get off the Ferry in Holyhead, it's torrential by the time they make it back to Hollyoaks.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" She asks. "You still don't look very good."
"Nah you're alright I'm starting to feel better." He realised what happened when he's gone to the toilet on the ferry. He was dehydrated, exhausted and dehydrated. He hadn't had anything to drink except vodka the previous day and with everything else, which he's not thinking about, he'd worn himself out. He wasn't going to tell Laura that it was his own fault.
She insisted on carrying his bag as they ran for the door still managing to get soaked. She hugged him tight and kissed him on the cheek.
"What's that for?"
"Not getting setting fire to Cheryl's castle." She shrugs then shifts. "For getting through mostly. I know it wasn't easy. Ring me if you want me." She states and dashes back off dodging puddles.
He waves them off then shuts the door. He turns and he leans back against the door.
He's home. Back in England. Back in his flat.
He's home and he finds himself laughing at how much a few days can change everything.
It starts to sound desperate to his own ears and he feels the wetness down his cheeks. He wipes it away. And tries to take a breath and he struggles, manages but the weight of everything comes crashing down on him and he tries to hold back the wave that is threatening to break all over him. He chokes a little and tries to get control of himself.
He not going to break again. Won't give them the satisfaction even though they can't see him. He won't. He refuses and clamps down with iron will on any thought of him or her or that place.
But the dam that's holding back it all is breaking, cracking and creaking under the strain. A decade of pain mixing with the previous misery of his life, it's all there and it's all over him and inside him and it's crushing him.
He fights it.
He pulls his phone out of his pocket and tries to dial Tony, tries to get that distraction, but he can't see the phone for the tears, he's trying to make sure he's throwing himself into his new life. The life he chose, the life he chooses without him…
All that pain, the screaming, the shouting, the shred of his soul, the shattering of his heart.
He had walked away from a man he'd do everything for, who he loves with every fibre of his being.
He had walked away… And he doesn't regret it.
The dam breaks and it's washing him away in the rush of pain.
Ref AN Chapter 27 (wow that's a long while ago) - I said there were two clear paths that I could have taken, well since I've made it to the other side of the Ireland bit I may as well say that the other path was to have Ste and Jamie still together in Ireland but I thought it weakened everything I wanted to do with Ireland mainly because I didn't want to do the easy thing which would be have Jamie there for Ste to go to after his confrontation with Brendan. And I didn't want to have to write Brendan saying all the clichés of how Ste had someone and all that. I feel that would have taken a lot of the power out of their confrontation. So I made that choice, sorry if anyone prefers the other path.