Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all.

Rated M for several reasons.

Chpt 36 A Step, And a Step Ahead

BPOV

True to his word he didn't let go of my hand once, not even when it was obvious my meal of choice hadn't returned to town. But I wouldn't have dreamed of objecting, my singer's blood seemed to temporarily enhance the appeal of everyone else's and even though he made me hunt before we came back I was struggling more than I've ever done since I first made my way back to the human world.

I had so much to process I didn't speak to him for twenty four hours.

He didn't seem to mind and I was grateful for his strong silent presence not least because for quite a while I couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if he hadn't been there. Or continually calculating how long it would take me to track back.

Eventually I lassoed by thoughts into the two most pressing categories. My inner beast. And him.

None of the others ever described their nature as a beast or monster, although I've always thought of myself as the latter. They talked about their thirst, their strong physical desires, their heightened feelings and their struggles to control them but they never described them as if they were another part of themselves.

Is that just an AJ thing, is that how excuses himself for what he does, his inner beast?

It would explain a lot but it doesn't quite sit right somehow.

Now I'm looking I can sort of see what he means. There is something there, lurking beneath the surface, it's not a whole other being, it's definitely me. Perhaps what now constitutes the real me. The vampire.

I'm not a human any more. I look like one, but I'm not. I live in their world, but I'm not a part of it. And maybe I should stop trying so hard to be.

The others, they all interact with humans, play their part when required. But then they go home and get to be what they are. Talk at vampire speed, build a house in a couple of hours, read a book in minutes, hunt, make love, have fun.

Me on the other hand, I'm still trying to be a human. Have a job, a home, friends. The human versions of what I understood those things to be. And it isn't going to work. It's never going to work because I'm not one, I'm a vampire.

Which is all fine and dandy but currently I'm a poor one and since my human ideals are strong enough to prevent me turning to a life of crime I can't really see what else I'm supposed to do but try to carry on.

And speaking of vampires I find myself sorely in need of a distraction from thought and awareness . . . .

JPOV

I've never met anyone who could get so absorbed in their thoughts. Oh no, wait, I have. Me.

Her shield is rammed down tight and I don't think she'd notice if world war three broke over our heads. In fact I'm not entirely sure she's aware I'm still here.

I know she'd find it insulting but once again I'm amazed at how well she's coped, that she's survived. Her strength of character is what enabled her to cope, must have been fate that kept her alive. Alive long enough to return to me. If that's the case it's definitely favouring me and not her.

How long should I leave her to it? I understand the need to retreat inside yourself and work out your issues. But it isn't healthy to overdo it.

I don't like her being like this. I wish I could help her somehow . . . .

BPOV

"The last time I was here." He says suddenly, indicating the new town beneath us. "Was with Pete and Char."

I'm fascinated with the idea of Pete and Char.

"After they rescued me from, well, like we just did, we high tailed it north as far and as fast as our feet would carry us. This was the first place we stopped for a while."

Somehow I manage to resist making cranking motions with my hand as he pauses.

"It was much smaller then. We rented a place just down the road a way."

His voice is changing, the inflection fading, this isn't going to be a happy story . . . .

"It wasn't easy. We had to travel a long way to feed without drawing attention to ourselves. But we managed for a while. It was the first time in my life I ever got to pause for a moment, with nothing to do. No one was trying to kill me. I should have been happy. I should have been grateful. But I don't think I knew how to be."

I study his profile carefully as he stares out over the valley but his face is giving nothing away, once more it feels like we're talking trash cans . . . .

"I certainly had no concept of acceptable behaviour or how my actions affected other people. Pete and I got in a fight. Over soap of all insignificant things. I didn't hurt him that time but I was angry and I came into town alone.

There's still a legend here abouts. The night the town burned down and twenty men lost their lives fighting the blaze.

I killed the men. Pete and Char torched the bar district to hide the evidence."

"The beast?" I ask when he doesn't say anything else.

"No. That was all me. It's all always me. That's what I was trying to tell you before. I am the beast, and so are you, I just don't always control it as well as you do."

Was that a compliment?

"When you crashed your truck you were bleeding. It was all it took to draw me to you. You weren't a singer but you still smelt delicious. I don't have Carlisle's medical training so I can't say if you would have survived if I'd called an ambulance. It didn't even occur to me to try.

I influenced your emotions so you wouldn't be distressed.

And I drained more than enough blood out of you to kill you. You tasted delicious too."

Of all the things I could say at this point . . . .

"Then why aren't I dead?"

"I don't know."

I'd like to rail against him, I should be, but I'm a vampire too. Would I have done anything differently? I haven't sometimes in the past and any one of those people could have been just like me, I never stopped to find out. I'm pretty sure they're all dead too, I certainly hope they are, I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. Do I hate him for that?

No. Of all the things I can be angry at him for, that isn't one of them. That's a fuckup I can accept. He didn't know. If he had and had still left me, that would be different . . . .

Do I think that's what really happened? He is an asshole after all. Do I think he's capable of leaving me lying there, knowing I was going to turn into a vampire and not caring?

No. I don't know. I don't think so.

But I do believe he wouldn't have been stupid enough to do it.

Ergo.

He really did think I was dead.

And he didn't abandon me.

JPOV

I only wanted to distract her from internalising everything and instead I gave her yet more unsavoury details about my life and confessed to just how easy it was for me to kill her.

Wow, I bet she's really impressed with me now. I want it change her opinion of me, not entrench it.

I want her to like me.

Now there's a word.

I don't think I've ever cared whether or not someone would like me before. And I'm not sure I know how to make it happen.

That's not true, I could do it if I put my mind to it. I've done it before.

But I want her to like me, not the person I present her with.

Sweet.

I desperately want a woman, a good one, to like me, when even I don't like the real me.

BPOV

By mutual consent we bypassed that town and moved on to another coming to a stop at the head of the valley when we cross the old scents of several vampires.

"What can you smell?" AJ asks.

"Three or four, they come this way regularly, not always together." I answer rolling my eyes, there's nothing wrong with my nose.

"They're marking their territory." He nods. "Making sure that any vampires who come this way know the area is taken. They've probably got several towns around here they consider theirs."

"Does that mean keep out?"

"It can do, vampires that are hunting would probably bypass the place just in case."

"What do we do now?" I ask uncertainly, definitely feeling some isolationist tendencies.

"We stroll on down and introduce ourselves." He says with a grin.

"What if they aren't friendly?" I don't want a confrontation, a fight. I'm not cut out for it.

"Then we leave slightly quicker than we arrived." He chuckles, starting down the trail.

I hesitate and then plunge down after him. This is supposed to be a learning experience after all.

Using the excuse of not planning ahead Mr Billionaire books us into a hotel that instantly has me readying my inferiority complex for a good work out and though we haven't encountered a fresh scent yet my shield is up and my senses are on full alert. All in all I would not describe myself as particularly relaxed at this point.

"Job or fun?" He asks as we dump our stuff on the couch in our suite.

Normally I'd answer job straight away but if there are vampires here, I don't know. I don't want to be wandering around out there on my own.

"A-ha. You hesitated. Fun it is."

Jesus, how old are you?

…..

Never in a million years would it have occurred to me to ice skate.

"Well, what do I do?" I ask him as soon as I've laced my boots and experimented with standing up.

"No idea." He laughs. "I've never done this before either. But how hard can it be?"

The answer is, quite, we might have perfect balance but that does not make us natural skaters. Not falling over was relatively easy as long as we didn't make any sudden moves and we must have gone around the outside holding onto the barrier at least ten times before one of us, AJ, plucked up the courage to let go.

Grinning like a fool he pushes away from the side and skates away, with apparently a little too much force judging by the speed. Desperate not to crash into anyone he turns his toes in like a skier, pitching forward onto the ice and sliding along for several yards on his face.

A couple of laughing ten year old kids narrowly avoid giving themselves a hernia by trying to pick him up but they do guide him back to the barrier with admonishments to 'take it easy man'.

Safe he glances back at me ruefully, frowning when he realises I'm cracking up with silent mirth. Well it is funny to watch Robopire do a face a plant, and I suspect, quite rare.

Growling too low for humans to hear he pushes himself away, more gently this time, and starts skating purposefully, if somewhat stiffly, around the rink.

Eek.

Pulling myself along is too slow, especially with all the comparatively more leisurely human beginners crowding the outside edge. I risk a look behind. He's gaining on me, grinning, and not necessarily in a good way.

With a silent prayer I let go of the rail and launch myself carefully out onto the ice, I've been watching the other skaters and I think I have a fair idea of what to do.

And it doesn't seem to be as hard as it looks, confidence surging I put on a little more speed, grey haired old ladies are overtaking me, and take another look over my shoulder, giggling at the big scary vampire gaining on me with his slippery feet threatening to head in four different directions at once. I push off a little harder, moving out into the jet stream of the speedier skaters.

This is awesome and a huge smile breaks out on my face, vengeful vampires who've just embarrassed themselves temporarily forgotten. I wonder if I can twist around and go backwards? The guy in front of me does just that, still holding his girlfriend's hand. Show off.

I almost try it but the visualisation of me knocking people out of the way like skittles when I go down stops me. I think I'll settle for being quietly pleased with my current showing.

On my next pass I spot AJ leaning nonchalantly against the barrier, silently applauding my efforts.

I go round a couple more times and then stop myself by crashing into him, fortunately his arms go round me automatically, stopping me from ending up on my butt.

"You're a natural." He says, smiling down at me.

"Better than you." I can't help but observe with a smile of my own.

"Be careful Bella." He growls playfully. "The ego of the male vampire is a fragile thing and mine has just been somewhat damaged."

Um. You can let go of me now . . . .

Please don't look at me like that. My higher brain functions can't handle it either.

For a moment I think he's going to kiss me, so much so that I almost whimper out loud when he releases me and turns away.

Brilliant. Now my brain and body have it in for me where he's concerned. Blindly I follow him off the rink.

"What shall we do next?" He asks as we hand in our skates.

"Would you mind if we went back to the hotel and just read or watched a movie or something?"

"Not at all." He chuckles. "I know you have a very low tolerance for fun and I wouldn't dream of pushing it."

He's still laughing when the sickly sweet scent of vampire reaches us on the cool night air.

Wordlessly he takes my hand giving it a little squeeze and interestingly it doesn't even occur to me to yank it away. In fact I squeeze it back, trusting that whatever happens next he'll look after me.