Chapter 37 The Next Day

The day after the battle can be harder than the battle itself.

"You souls of geese, That bear the shapes of men, how have you run!"

The Chitauri fell backwards, out of my line of sight.

I woke up, shaking violently.

Well, that's going to take a while to process.

I sat up, and saw that Jane was still sleeping. I slipped quietly out of the twin bed, and out of the room.

Stark Tower was still standing at the end of the battle, but was not habitable. At Tony's insistence, we did go for shawarma, a little place a couple of blocks from Stark Tower.

Afterward we'd eaten, SHIELD had flown me, Jane, and Selvig to yet another campus, this one in upstate New York. A training facility, this location had dormitories to house the cadets. We had been moved into a newly-built unit that wasn't yet occupied. I had managed to take a hot shower before falling into the narrow bed, into a mostly dreamless sleep.

My entire body hurt, and all I really wanted was some aspirin, some coffee, and some protein. The shawarma place had kindly served us in the midst of the broken glass and wreckage, and the food had been quite good. But that had been hours ago, and I was ravenous.

Natasha and Clint were sitting at the large table, drinking coffee. I took that as a good sign.

"Good morning, Professor. I hope you were able to sleep." Natasha's smile was soft with kindness.

"I was out like a light most of the night, thank you. You?" I was able to focus my eyes to find the coffee maker, and headed towards its promise of caffeine-induced bliss.

"I don't sleep much after a mission. It takes a day or so to wear off." She smiled, and for just a moment, I saw the very tired woman behind the calm, cool spy.

"Sleep is overrated!" Clint laughed, and swigged more coffee. "Who needs it?"

"Apparently, you do," Natasha smiled sweetly at him. "Given that you were unconscious most of the night."

Clint went on the defensive. "No way! I was merely resting my eyes."

"Then your eyes were snoring." Natasha sipped her coffee, and smiled at me over her cup.

I laughed, and joined them at the table, holding a cup with the SHIELD logo on it in my hands. The heat felt good against my aching muscles.

"Truly, Professor, are you okay?" Natasha's concern was real.

"I'm fine, Natasha. I mean, I have muscle aches in muscles I didn't know I had, and I'm crazy hungry, but I'm fine."

"Aspirin, food, a hot shower, and some stretching, you'll be fine." Natasha smiled. "I can show you some moves, if you'd like. And Clint here makes damn good waffles." She nudged him with her foot. "You were going to start those a while ago. What's the delay?"

"That would be great, thank you." How had I ever thought she was simply a private pilot working for Stark?

Clint grinned at me. "Selvig said you killed a Chitauri. That is so awesome!"

Natasha stared icicles at him. "Clint, weren't you going to make waffles?"

He continued grinning. "No, seriously! Here you are, a nice quiet academic, and you killed an alien with its own weapon!"

I shifted in my chair. I hadn't really had any time to think about it after the battle, and I wasn't really ready to think about it just yet. I was grateful that Erik had not told them how I had actually killed it, and hoped to have time to talk to him before—well, before whatever SHIELD was going to do with us next.

"Well, yes. I did."

"You should be proud of yourself, Professor! Most civilians just freeze in a situation like that."

"Thank you, Agent Barton." I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but his enthusiasm for my having done so wasn't particularly reassuring.

"Maybe you should join SHIELD! You could be an awesome field agent!"

I stared at my coffee, tears spilling out of my eyes. I really did not want to think about it, much less talk about it, right now. Or maybe ever.

Natasha made no secret of kicking him under the table. "Clint, it's time to make some waffles."

"I'm just expressing my admiration of her skills. Why is that bad?" Clint seemed truly puzzled.

"Unlike us, the Professor isn't a trained agent. Yesterday was nothing she was prepared for, and has no way of dealing with. So maybe just stop talking now, okay?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, Professor." Clint rose awkwardly from his chair. "Lemme get going on those waffles!"

I tried to smile my thanks at Natasha, but the tears kept flowing.

"I'm sorry, I—I'll be right back." I fled the kitchen, wondering where to go. I couldn't return to the room I shared with Jane since she was still sleeping, but I really needed someplace private where I could cry.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Professor, let's go to my room. You can have some time to yourself there."

I followed Natasha to the room she and presumably Clint had slept in last night. I sat down on one of the beds, and began sobbing.

Natasha sat quietly next to me, and handed me a tissue.

I don't even have a handkerchief. I have nothing. Everything that was in Stark Tower is probably rubble.

The fear and disbelief and utter incomprehensibility of the last month rolled over me in waves. I felt I would drown in the emotions and the complexities.

Natasha gently took my hand, and let me cry myself breathless. I ran out of air, I ran out of tears, and let myself collapse and curl up on the bed.

"Professor, I am so sorry. None of this should have happened, to you or to Jane, or to anyone."

"It happened to you, too, though."

She shook her head. "It's my job. I'm trained for this kind of thing. I'm prepared for this kind of thing. I know how to handle it."

"How do you handle it? Because I have no idea what to do here. Murderous aliens crashed our party and destroyed a large part of midtown Manhattan. How do you even begin to deal with that?"

"For me, I think about the lives we saved. The people who are safely returned to their loved ones. Even if their homes were destroyed, those can be rebuilt. The people are safe, and that's what really matters."

"And the ones you couldn't save?"

"We did our best. Sometimes we can't save everyone. But we save as many people as we can."

"And the ones that you killed?"

"It's a battle, Professor. Kill, or be killed. It's all about survival."

I sat up. "When the Chitauri looked down at us, seeing us as fish in a barrel that could be easily speared, something in me kicked up. I knew I would kill it, or die trying. But I wasn't going to just let it kill me or my friends."

Natasha patted my hand. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm sorry that you had to do that. But you did what was necessary, and you did what was right. You protected your friends. You protected those who could not protect themselves."

"No one is going to harm Jane. Or Selvig. Or anyone I love. Not if I can stop them." My fists clenched, shredding the tissue.

Natasha smiled just a bit. "See? You understand, more than you think you do. And bonus points to you for using its own weapon against it. Selvig told us about how you just reached up and grabbed the thing, and turned it around and fired it. That was some serious badassery."

I must thank Erik for concocting that story.

"I didn't really think about it. It just—it was the thing to do."

"You did great, Professor. Especially for your first battle. And I hope it's your last."

"Me, too." I exhaled, releasing some of the tension I hadn't realized I'd been holding. "Thank you for talking with me, Natasha." I moved to hug her, and pulled back. I wasn't sure if she wanted to be hugged.

She opened her arms, and pulled me into a hug. We sat there for a while, me running grounding energy for both of us.

Coulson and some of his men showed up late afternoon to help us sort out plans, starting with Selvig.

"Now that the Tesseract is no longer available for study, Dr. Selvig, we're going to realign the Pegasus Project. Director Fury has a full briefing for you. There's a new lab in another location that we can move you to when you're ready."

Selvig nodded, relieved. "I"ll miss working with her, but I think I'm okay with dealing with more terrestrial science at this point. If we can, let's go today."

Coulson smiled. "We can have you out of here in the next thirty minutes, Dr. Selvig."

"Good. Let's do it." Selvig rose from the chair, turning to Jane. "Listen here, young lady. Take care of yourself, and I don't want to hear about any more bar fights!"

Jane laughed, and stood to give him a hug. "And don't you go causing massive gravitational field collapse!"

Erik returned the laugh and the hug. "I'll see what I can do!"

He turned to me. "Professor, it's been a pleasure to make your acquaintance. You're good for Jane."

I rose to hug him as well. "The pleasure has been mine, Dr. Selvig. Jane is good for me, too."

One of the agents rose, and walked out of the room with Selvig.

"Dr. Foster, we'll fly you back to your lab location whenever you're ready to go."

I turned to Jane. "Where are you working, anyway?"

Jane smiled. "Oh, that's classified! I couldn't possibly tell you."

"Okay, fine. Be that way." I pretended to pout.

"If I told you, you'd have to come stay there until my work is done. And that could be years!"

"There are worse things than spending time with you, Jane!" I squeezed her hand. She clasped mine in return.

"I'll plan to fly later this afternoon, Agent Coulson. I'm not quite done catching up with Sia. We were rather rudely interrupted by an alien attack."

"That's fine, Dr. Foster. Just let Agent Hughes know a half hour before you're ready to leave."

Coulson turned to me. "As Stark Tower is currently uninhabitable, Professor, we can't take you back there."

I bit my lip to keep from crying. I didn't want to hide out at this SHIELD facility in the middle of nowhere. Not to mention that I couldn't, since I needed access to Stark's PLCT to keep teaching.

"The Hydra cell that was after you has been wiped out. They were the crew that attacked Stark Tower yesterday."

I hope this means what I think it means.

"So, we'll take you back to San Francisco."

Oh, my god. I can go home.

"Agent Romanoff and Agent Barton will fly you, but they won't be cleared to do so until tomorrow. They need today to recover."

I was dancing inside. "Yes, of course. I wouldn't want to try to fly a plane today, either. And I wasn't actually fighting in the battle."

Coulson permitted himself a half-smile. "You were in the thick of it, even if you weren't fighting the whole time. And you did fight. Dr. Selvig told everyone."

My face froze into something I hoped looked like a reasonable expression. "I did what had to be done."

"You did well, Professor." Coulson cleared his throat. "Since SHIELD detects no further threat to you, we'll fly you home tomorrow, and you can resume your life without our constant presence."

"Thank you, Agent Coulson. This is the best news I've heard in weeks."

I can go HOME.

"Coordinate with your pilots for your departure time tomorrow, and they'll let us know." Coulson stood. "If you need anything before then, just ask one of the agents on duty. I'll be flying tomorrow as well, so you're not quite rid of me yet." He flashed a sheepish grin.

"Thank you, Agent Coulson." I waved, and he left the room.

I started crying. "Jane! I get to go home!" I was beside myself with joy and relief.

I wish Loki were here. Then it would be perfect.

"I am really happy for you, Sia. I know how difficult the past weeks have been."

"I can go for a walk. I can go to work. I can go to the grocery store. By myself."

Jane laughed. "Has it really been that bad?"

"It's not so much the constant company, although that quickly becomes wearing. It's the constant subconscious stream of thought that this is necessary, for scary reasons, that is hard to live with."

"I can see that."

"Don't you miss being home, since you've been onsite for SHIELD for so long?"

Jane shook her head. "A lab is a lab. As long as my work is there, I'm home."

I laughed. "You really haven't changed, have you? Still the same Jane I would find in the lab at all hours, and have to drag back to the dorm to get some sleep before your classes."

Jane's smile twisted a bit. "What reason do I have to go back to my apartment? It's just the place I sleep and change clothes."

"You can't work every hour of the day, Jane."

"If I'm in the lab, I'm not alone. I'm with my work. And Darcy is there."

I understood what she wasn't saying. I spent plenty of time working to avoid thinking about—everything.

"Right. But don't you want to go home, and be in your own space, and just relax?"

"I can't relax. I just keep thinking."

"Take up gardening, Jane. It's impossible to think while you're pulling weeds. And it's really good for taking out your aggressions!"

"You've always been the kind of person who makes a house a real home, Sia. That's not something I know how to do."

"It's no particular skill, Jane. Some good art on the wall, your favorite books, and a comfortable place to read. That's all it is."

She shook her head. "No time, no interest. I just need a place to sleep."

"One of these days, Jane, I'm going to visit you, and make a home for you, and you'll love it, and you'll never leave it!"

She laughed. "Remember what I said about that being classified? I'm doomed to a life of work. Doomed!"

"If you are truly happy, Jane. That's what matters."

"I have my work. It's enough."

I knew it wasn't, but she clearly was not going to take the conversation further.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'll be glad to be back at the office."

Jane smiled. "And you'll have your full library again."

"Yes! And my research files."

"And you'll have Loki." Jane's voice was so low I could barely hear her.

I shook my head. "That's not going to happen. As far as I know, Odin is still in the Odinsleep, so he and Thor have to be there to run things. Once Odin wakes up, well, we both know that they can't get away."

"Still, he manages to see you frequently."

Oh. That's what is going on.

"I'd hardly call it 'frequently'. A day here and there, every few months, at most."

"That's more than I see Thor."

"I can't control that, Jane."

"I don't understand why they can't just visit when they please."

"Jane, they're Princes of the Realm. They have responsibilities."

Her mouth twisted. "So do I. But I still get weekends off."

"They don't. They are Princes, every hour of the day, every day of the week. If something comes up on a Saturday, they can't just write a memo and put it off until Monday."

"They're grown men. They should just tell their dad that they're taking off for the weekend."

"Oh, right, like that's going to work? Setting aside that whole royal responsibility issue, you do remember that Odin doesn't approve of relationships with mortals? The only reason they were here this weekend is because Odin isn't awake to object to their visiting Midgard."

"His approval shouldn't matter. They're old enough to live their own lives."

"Jane, their lives are predestined in so many ways. Thor will be King one day, and Loki will be his advisor. However old they are, their roles and responsibilities come before their personal preferences."

"That's bullshit."

"That's being a prince."

"Well, then being a prince is bullshit."

"Jane, why can't you understand this? It's Thor's job to be prince. That has to come first, before being a person. He can't just take a day off from being a Crown Prince. You can take a day off from being a scientist, but he's always a Crown Prince."

"He didn't even say goodbye. Neither did Loki. Aren't you upset about that?"

Loki did say goodbye, but that's not what she means. "No, I'm not. Jane, they had ancient magical artifacts that can be used to create or destroy entire worlds. It's not like they could have just parked the Tesseract in a closet at Stark Tower like extra luggage and gone for shawarma with us."

"Why not? What difference did it make if they got the Cube back to Asgard an hour later?"

"Because we don't know what would have happened in that hour. What if there had been more Hydra agents? And they had stolen the Cube again? That would have started the war all over."

"Oh, please. There were no Hydra agents left. You heard Coulson say that."

"But we had no way of knowing that, Jane. It was for everyone's protection. Yours. Mine. Everyone in New York. The whole planet."

"An hour, Sia."

"A second battle, Jane."

"If Thor couldn't give me an hour, he could have at least said goodbye."

"Oh, my god, Jane, really? You would compromise the safety of the planet so you could have lunch with Thor?"

"That is not what I am saying, Sia."

"That's what it sounds like, Jane."

"I don't know what is wrong with you, Sia. Why can't you understand that I'm upset? All I wanted was some acknowledgement before he disappeared."

"Jane, I understand. I do. I would like to have had a proper goodbye with Loki. But that wasn't reasonable, and so it didn't happen. It's not about me. It's not about Loki's feelings for me. It's about his duty as a Prince of Asgard to protect the Nine Realms."

Jane stared at me as though she were looking at a madwoman. "Sia, in all our time together, you have always been a reasonable person. Now you sound like one of the historic women you wrote all those papers about—sacrificing love for duty and honor. That's not who I thought you were, and it's not who I am. If Thor is more committed to his duty than he is to me, if he values his honor more than he values me, than he doesn't love me."

"Jane, that's not it at all! Thor loves you. You know he does."

"Then why didn't he say goodbye? Why did he just leave?"

"Why do you get up at 2:00 AM to go chasing comets?"

"It's my job, and I have to do the work when the work is available to be done."

"And if Thor were asleep beside you, would you still get up at 2:00 AM to chase comets?"

"Of course I would!"

"Then you understand why Thor had to leave yesterday without saying goodbye."

"Two minutes, Sia! He could have told Frigga to wait two minutes. Long enough to acknowledge me."

"Jane, everyone knows Thor loves you. Why are you acting like he doesn't?"

"He doesn't love me the way I want to be loved."

"Would you have him renounce his Asgardian citizenship, and live as a mortal with you here on Midgard?"

"Yes, I would."

"But then he wouldn't be Thor. He would have no purpose. You would take away that which gives his life meaning in order to have him with you?"

"It doesn't give his life meaning, it takes his life from him! It robs him of his free will. He's no better than an indentured servant."

"A servant with the important job of preserving peace in the Universe!"

"You really don't understand, do you, Sia? That doesn't matter to me."

"It should, Jane, because it matters to him."

"You are so blinded by your immersion in history, you can't see the world as it is now. No one owes their life to duty. Or honor. Or any of those old concepts. We live our lives to be happy, Sia."

"Maybe you do, Jane. But some of us believe otherwise." I remembered my conversation with Loki on the morning he was leaving for the battle on Vanaheim. "This is what it means to be a prince, and to love a prince. Duty first. Always."

"I give up on you, Sia. Loki has brainwashed you into his way of thinking, so you will accept what little time and attention he deigns to give you, and feel privileged for it."

I reeled, feeling as though she had punched me. "I cannot believe you said that, Jane. That's untrue, and it's cruel."

"You believe whatever you want to believe, Sia. After what I saw yesterday, I no longer know who—or what—you are." She stood. "I am going to live my life the way I think is right for me. You do what's right for you, sacrificing yourself to honor and duty, settling for the crumbs of time and affection Loki can be bothered to give you because he's too afraid to stand up to his father. I wish you all the best with that." She turned, and strode towards the door.

I called after her, frantically. "Jane!" I couldn't let her leave on such a sour note.

She stopped, and turned to look at me, her hand on the doorknob. "Yes?"

"I love you, Jane. You are my dearest friend. I want you to be happy, too."

"You have no idea what makes me happy, Sia." She opened the door and walked out.

"I don't think you know what makes you happy either, Jane."

I had no idea if she heard me.