Title: hidden spots
Character(s): Yamamoto Takeshi, Miura Haru
Word count: 600
Rating: T
Spoilers: set in the TYL-timeline, but no spoilers, really.
Prompt: 12—children
A/N: This is pretty angsty, because, you know, no relationship is all fluff and candy floss, even though that makes my summary really a lie. I have no real-life experience whatsoever regarding that topic (and I hope I won't ever get any) and I hope I don't step on anyone's toes with this. Also, have you noticed my strange obsession of 8086-stuff happening in their bedroom? I don't even know why, sigh.
children
He knocks on the door to their bedroom.
Usually, that's it. He knocks, then he enters. There's no pause between the two actions. The knocking is more of a "Here I am" than a "May I enter?"—at least, that's the norm with them.
Today is an exception.
Today is an exception, in every way.
So he waits. He knocks on the door and waits, waits, waits.
And then, she says: "Come in," and he does.
The curtains to their bedroom windows are drawn and the air is stuffy, heavy.
Haru lies on their bed over the comforter, curled to oneside, both hands on her stomach. Her hair is down, just the way he loves it.
Looking at her like this makes him feel like someone put a string around his neck and pulled, like someone punched him in the guts, like someone tore his heart out.
He swallows, hard, unclenches his fists and sits down next to her on the edge of the bed. "Haru," he says; like an excuse, like an apology, like his heart: open, raw, hurt.
She doesn't answer but takes his hand in hers and interlaces them lightly.
After what feels like a millennium, she asks in a whisper: "Do you want children?"
He grips her hand tighter and stays silent, because how could he answer that question right? In this situation, there can be no right.
"I've always wanted children. I wanted to be a mother, a family." And then, the tears come. "I just didn't want this one. And now, it's gone. I didn't want it and it's gone." The last words are broken, sobbed. The grip on his hand has become vice-like. "I'm so sorry, Takeshi-kun, you have to believe me, I didn't want this to happen, I'm sorry, forgive me, please, forgive me …" Haru's words become a tumbled mess and her tears are hot on his skin, burning.
He doesn't know how he ends lying next to her, his arms wrapped tightly around her trembling form, kissing and wiping off her tears, but he says the only truth he knows is left: "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you—"
He doesn't say it's war and I hate that I think it but having a child now, with war and danger, I don't know if we would have made it. He doesn't say It's not your fault, you didn't kill our baby, I was afraid, too. He doesn't say a lot of things because he doesn't know how, because he's always been better with actions than words and he feels so bad for not being able to do anything for the love of his life in the only situation in which she has ever said that she needs his forgiveness, please.
It hurts so much. He would have never believed how much loving can hurt, but what else but love does he feel right now? Love for that unborn child they could have had, love for this strong, broken-hearted woman in his arms, love, love, love.
He aches with it.
When she looks up in their embrace and the corner of her mouth trembles with the effort to not cry, his restraint breaks. Her clammy hands cradle his face, soothing and calming. He hides his tear-streaked face in the column of her neck. "I love you, too," she says like it is a strength, and it is. It is their strength and their downfall and everything in-between, but most of all it is.
"I love you so much," she whispers in the stillness of their room.
Thanks for the reviews, really, I appreciate each one of them!