warning: vague reference to past child sexual abuse
Chapter 37: Angelica's house
In which the kids spend the night at Angelica's place
Felix's heart is pounding as they pull into Angelica's driveway.
I want you to go into this with an open mind, his caseworker had told him once. He'd been ten years old, and they'd been sitting in a car outside his soon-to-be new foster family's house. Sometimes I feel like you distrust people just because you can, she'd gone on. Felix? Look at me.
He hadn't looked at her, and she'd sighed. Just, how about for once you to try to give people a chance, she'd said. Okay?
No, not okay.
Not okay then and not okay now.
Because if there's one rule Felix lives by, one rule he's lived by his whole life, it's that you can never fucking trust anyone.
Don't believe promises, don't accept charity, don't let people know how you're really feeling, when you're hopeful or scared or happy or sad. Don't give them anything they can use against you, anything they can hurt you with.
(And Felix has been hurt so many times— hurt because he trusted people, hurt in places that will never fully heal.)
He's not sure what he's afraid this Angelica lady will do. Kill them? Rape them? No, probably not. There's lots and lots of creeps out there — pedophiles who become foster parents, serial killers who prey on street kids, general sickos who get off on hurting people weaker than themselves — but Angelica doesn't seem like the type.
What she does seem like is someone who means well but somehow still manages to fuck things up. To fuck you up. Someone who'll make you trust her only to let you down.
Yet she'd offered to bring them home and Felix hadn't said no. He'd imagined being warm and dry and in a moment of weakness, he hadn't fucking said no. None of them had.
Felix sighs.
"You okay?" Kala whispers to him as Angelica turns off the car.
"Yeah," says Felix stiffly.
It's dark outside, but he thinks he sees Kala smile reassuringly, like maybe she doesn't believe him.
Which is fine. Felix doesn't believe himself either.
o - o - o
Angelica's house is nice. Not like a mansion or anything, but a nice, small, single-story house.
She has them leave their wet bags and shoes and jackets in the entryway, then leads them into the kitchen.
"You probably haven't had dinner, huh?" she says. "Are you hungry?"
They all shake their heads no. (Of course they're fucking hungry, they haven't eaten since yesterday, but you don't admit that to a stranger.)
"Are you sure?" wheedles Angelica, because apparently she can't just let things go. "I've got plenty of cereal. And let's see..." She opens up her refrigerator and peers inside. "Oh, I baked banana bread last weekend," she says. "And I've got lots of leftovers— spaghetti, Chinese, pizza. A whole box of pizza, actually," she laughs. "Jonas dropped it off last time he visited."
"Pizza sounds kind of amazing, actually," Nomi says quietly, and Felix resists the urge to kick her.
Immediately, the lady pulls a giant pizza box out of the fridge and puts it down on the counter, looking all fucking pleased with herself.
She piles eight slices on a plate and sticks it in the microwave. It smells really good as it heats up, which pisses Felix off. Soon the microwave beeps.
"Thank you," says Nomi as Angelica sets the steaming plate on the dining table.
"Of course," smiles Angelica. "Enjoy it, okay? I'm gonna go find some spare sheets for the couch."
She bustles off down a hallway, leaving the eight of them crowded around the table.
Felix swallows the saliva pooling in his mouth and crosses his arms. "I don't trust her," he mutters.
"Me neither," shrugs Capheus, picking up a slice of pizza. "But it's free food."
Which is the problem. Because Felix has been screwed over enough times to know not to accept shit for free. But he's been hungry enough times to know not to turn down food, ever.
In the end he takes a slice. They all do. And it tastes cheesy and greasy and doughy and amazing.
They're licking their fingers as Angelica returns, her arms piled high with bedding. "So," she says, "who's sleeping in the guest room and who's taking the sofa bed?"
They exchange a glance before Kala voices what they're all thinking. "If it's alright, I think we'd all like to sleep in the same room?" she says softy, twisting her hands together.
"Oh!" Angelica looks surprised, but doesn't argue. "That works too. I— The sofa bed is a bit bigger than the one in the guest room, I think, so... I'll just get it all set up then."
"Thank you," says Kala. "That would be perfect."
o - o - o
The couch folds out into a queen-sized bed, and Angelica prepares it quickly, occasionally asking one of them for help with stretching out and tucking in the sheets. "Let me go get some pillows," she says at last. "And blankets. Oh, and how about clothes? You guys are soaked; if you want I have tons of sweatpants and sweatshirts and old t-shirts you can change into. And socks; I have lots of fuzzy socks..."
But Wolfgang shakes his head firmly. "No thank you," he says. "We're fine."
Angelica nods, like she'd expected that answer. "Alright," she says. "Just me know if you change your mind."
She heads back down the hallway.
Lito prods the mattress with his finger. "Dry clothes do sound nice though," he says wistfully.
"We already owe her enough," grunts Wolfgang.
"You really think she minds?"
"Of course she minds," Felix cuts in. "No one likes doing shit for free."
Lito shrugs. "What about gifts?"
"No such thing as a gift," Wolfgang mutters. "Everyone wants something in return."
"Not you guys," Nomi says softly. "You took me in, bought me new clothes. Wasn't that a gift? Did you want anything in return?"
No one answers immediately.
"That's different," says Riley at last. "We all help each other."
"Well maybe Angelica helps people too," suggests Nomi.
Capheus sighs. "Maybe."
No, Felix wants to yell. She's a stranger, and an adult, and a fucking social worker. But he doesn't, because just then Angelica returns, this time with an armful of blankets and pillows. She plops them down on the bed.
"Is there anything else you guys need before going to sleep?" she asks brightly, like maybe they're gonna ask for a fucking bedtime story or something.
"No," says Felix.
"Thank you," adds Capheus.
Angelica smiles. "Alright then. I guess I'll just be in my bedroom. The bathroom is at the end of the hallway. And free to knock on my door if you need anything tonight. Anything at all, I'm serious."
They nod.
She bids them goodnight, and retreats down the hall.
It all seems too simple, too easy.
"We'll leave early tomorrow," whispers Wolfgang. "Before she wakes up."
They all agree, and Capheus sets the alarm on his watch.
Then they turn out the lights, and squeeze together on the mattress, and tuck the blankets around their bodies, and try to get some sleep.
o - o - o
It's strange to be lying in a bed, a real bed, not just a musty old mattress. Felix hasn't slept in a real bed in years, not since his last foster home, and that hadn't been a bed that good things happened in.
He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to fall asleep, but it's hard when your mind's racing and your clothes are wet and you're one of eight people crammed on a queen-sized bed. It's hard when you're scared out of your mind because you know you can't fucking trust anyone and yet here you are at a stranger's house in a stranger's bed and you don't know what she wants or why she's helping you.
He inhales shakily, and buries his face in Wolfgang's shoulder blade. Wolfie's shirt is warm and mostly dry, and Felix lies there, his heart pounding against Wolfgang's back, for a long time.
He wonders if maybe he should trust Angelica— just a little bit, just until they leave tomorrow morning. Because shit, he's so fucking tired, and the bed is so fucking soft…
But No, screams something inside of him. Nothing is free, nowhere is safe, no one is ever truly good; you know that. There are tears in his eyes. He blinks them away, and sighs.
Because maybe it's true. Maybe everything has a price and everywhere is dangerous and everyone has some ulterior motive. Maybe tomorrow Angelica will show her true colors. But maybe, he tells himself, maybe for tonight they're safe. Maybe that's what he'll choose to believe.
And soon, maybe Felix's breathing evens out, and his heart stops beating so fast, and his mind stops racing.
And maybe, finally, he manages to sleep.
o - o - o
They wake up at dawn to the tinny beeping of Capheus's watch. The house is still. Hurriedly, silently, they gather their bags and slip out the front door.
It's still fucking raining.
"To the hospital, yes?" whispers Kala.
And the answer is: Of course.