Disclaimer: Hey, y'all!
I just wanted to let you guys know that this chapter is mainly about Jess coming to terms with some stuff. With that being said, there isn't a lot of action in this chapter. It's mostly internal, since it's Jess's thoughts and feelings. Just wanted to give y'all a head's up.
Also, I highly recommend listening to Let It Go from Frozen for this chapter. I, sadly, own neither the song nor the show.
I throw a knife at the target painted on the tree. It hits, close to the bulls-eye.
"Just like you said, Pan," I mutter, under my breath, even though Pan is nowhere near me. "Trust myself...to...hit...the...stupid...target!"
I hurl another knife at the target, and it wedges itself in the bark. Without another thought, I throw another knife, and another.
Yeah, I trusted myself. I trusted myself to do the right thing, and get Bae out. I did the right thing.
So why do I feel empty now?
The boys found me in the same place I was when he was gone. Just crying, not moving. Alone. I told them Bae had found a way to escape Neverland, and had left. That was truth enough. They just assumed that he had abandoned me. That I was still the poor, helpless victim who was betrayed and held at a knifepoint. I had been traumatized. Even Pan had left me alone, but I could tell he was fuming that Bae was out of reach.
But, he can't get to me. I'm just the helpless, brainwashed girl.
Another reason I know I did the right thing.
But it feels wrong. My brother is gone. He's not coming back. And I can't do anything to change it.
I don't regret getting him out. I just wish that, somehow, I could have gotten out with him. That I didn't have to make the decision never to see him again, for his own good. I just wish that it never had to come to that.
What would have happened if I hadn't, though? Did I just expect him to sit around, waiting for me to come and visit for all eternity?
At least now he has a life. He can grow up now, maybe find a nice woman, get married. Start a family. Have the life I can never have, because I'm always going to be trapped here.
Funny how I've just accepted that, I think bitterly. The earth is round, Columbus sailed in 1492, and I'm trapped here forever. Facts of life.
So, what does that make me? Jealous of Bae?
No, I'm not jealous. I just...I just wish that I could do something now. I just feel pointless. Like I have no purpose. And, I feel like unless I move, unless I do something, I'm going to be stuck here forever, unable to do anything. Just pointless, meaningless Jess.
I sigh, and chuck another knife at the tree, which wedges itself in the bark, dead center. I'm not sure why I'm even throwing knives. It felt better than sitting around, I guess. But at this point, I almost can't see the target. I don't know how long I've been throwing, but the target is almost gone from all the knife points.
Is that what's going to happen? I think miserably. Now that Bae is gone, am I just going to get hurt over and over again until I'm unrecognizable?
I am still the same person. I just feel empty, pointless, and useless. Maybe I was always like that, to begin with.
"You know, you're going to wear yourself out if you keep doing that."
I don't even jump. I could sense Pan coming a few minutes ago. I just don't even care anymore.
What's the point? Bae's gone, why should I be scared? He has no power over me anymore.
I don't respond to Pan, but just throw another knife at the tree. I notice Felix out of the corner of my eye, but I don't react to him either. He wanted to kill Bae as well. He knew how Bae was tortured. In my mind, that makes him equally guilty.
"Oh, nice one," says Pan as my knife gets another bull's eye.
I just grunt in response, and pull out another knife.
I'm not playing this game. I'm not going to talk to him, and act like the victim, when he knows that he was only going to hurt Bae to get to me. I won't act like everything's okay, and I can just move on. It's because of him I had to say good-bye to one of the few friends I've ever had on Neverland. I'm not forgiving him for that.
Just another thing to add to the list of reasons of why I'm not forgiving Pan.
Unfortunately, both he and Felix seem to sense that I really am not in the mood for talking with either of them right now. Felix sighs, and tries to talk to me, anyway.
"Vin, look-" he starts, but I simply throw another knife to show I'm not listening.
"I just-" he tries, but again, I cut him off by throwing yet another knife.
"Would you-"
Another knife goes flying at the tree.
"Vin, stop!" Pan insists. "The target is dead."
Is it? Because I think I need to throw another knife at it.
I raise my arm to throw another, but Pan catches my arm before I can do it, and stops me.
How dare he? He has the nerve to touch me after what he was planning to do with Bae. He just thinks he can talk to me, and hurt me even more, after everything he put both of us through.
I yank my arm out of his grip, and I turn to face him.
"Go away," I snap, ready to throw the next knife at him.
Pan and Felix share a look that says they were expecting this. Yeah, well they should. That's what happens when they try to kill someone's best friend. They don't want to talk to the people who tried to kill him.
"Vin, come on," begs Felix. "Just talk to us."
Like that is going to happen.
"I know you're upset," Pan adds, looking at me pleadingly. "I'm sorry for having to do that. And, I understand, you were under Baelfire's spell-"
Oh, no. He is not going to play that game with me. Not when it's just the three of us, and we all know the truth.
"Don't even go there," I say, looking him in the eye. "Drop it. You and I both know that it was never about him. It was about me. Don't act like you aren't glad that he's gone. You're just happy to have him out of the way, and you know it. Order me around all you want, but don't pretend that I'm stupid."
If he thinks that I'm just going to roll over, and let him pretend that I'm still the victim, I'm going to puke. I'm done playing with him, I'm done being part of his game. I just lost my brother, and I am not going to let him push me around.
The resolve helps relieve the emptiness a little, but it feels more like a callous than help. Like something to block out the pain than ending it.
Pan blinks at me, clearly not expecting my answer. Felix steps forward, so I turn, ready to round on him.
"Don't you try it either," I say, raising an angry finger at him. "Don't you start acting like I'm the victim. We all know that it was never like that, and, I swear to God, Felix, if you say you were only following orders, I will torture you as badly as you tortured him."
He looks at me with horror, as he realizes that I know. He doesn't even try to deny it, or defend himself. He just looks at me, then looks down at the ground with guilt that I don't buy for a second.
I lost him today because these two thought they could get to me, and make me their sister. And, I don't care. I don't care for their excuses, or whatever they want to use to justify themselves. Bae is gone, so they can't use anything against me.
Oh my God, Bae is gone.
"Vin, we never wanted to hurt you-" Pan starts, but I turn, and cut him off with a look.
"Don't bother," I hiss.
I don't hold back. Not anymore. Why shouldn't I? He has nothing to hold me here, nothing he can use against me. He has already trapped me, and took away the people I love. He can't do anything more against me.
"Look," I say, my voice laced with anger. "You have done everything you can think of against me. You have manipulated me, pushed me, took me away from everything I ever loved. Now, for once, do something that is not for you, but for me, and leave me alone. For three hours, don't look for me, don't try to manipulate, or push me. Just leave me alone."
With that, I turn to walk away. Felix reaches out to grab my arm, but Pan stops him before he can. Good, I didn't want to yell anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm empty and tired. I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
"Just leave me alone," I murmur again, walking away.
I don't care if Pan hunts me, or hurts me. I don't care anymore. I just have a blind numbness. That's all there is, really. Emptiness and numbness.
And I just want to get away. From all of it. From Peter Pan, from boys who believe that I'm their sister, from magic, from Dreamers, and shadows. All of it. But I can't. That's just another fact, now. I'm trapped in Neverland, and I can't get away from everything Pan has gotten me involved in. No matter how badly I want to, something will draw me back. I thought I could get away when the Shadow hid me and Bae, but I was wrong. Because Pan found Bae and tortured him, to get to me.
Well, Bae is gone now. So, why am I even bothering to stick around? Nothing is holding me to the Lost Boys anymore. I could leave now, if I wanted to.
I sigh, as I realize I have no idea where I'm walking. I'm just letting my body react before my mind. Again.
I'm not headed towards Bae's cave, or towards Tink's place. I'm just wandering.
The last time I did this was when Hook found me. He took me back to his ship, and I discovered Pixie Dust, and that I could fly.
I smile at the memory, as I keep walking. Maybe that's where I'm headed. Towards the Pixie Dust Tree, or maybe to the beach where Hook took me back to The Roger.
But it's pointless. What would I do if I went to the Pixie Dust Tree? Fly? Even now, I can't see the point of flying. I'm like a caged bird. I can fly around, maybe, but I still can't leave. I'm still trapped in a cage, even if there aren't any bars. Because if I leave, I die.
I gasp, as it suddenly hits me full force. I made peace with the fact that I'm trapped here with Bae, but we had always lived day to day. Fight for food, avoid the Lost Boys, live to fight another day. It has not fully hit me until now that I'm alone.
I'm going to be here forever.
No dying, because Pan will ensure that I stay alive, even if I tried to kill myself again. Even if I run away, I'm going to be alone forever. I can never leave, I can never wait for the end. There is no end for me. I'm here forever. There is no "end of my days" as some may call it. If I run, I'm going to be spending eternity alone.
I could always try to take shelter with Tink, but if I do, I'm just endangering her. Another soul who I'm responsible for if they get hurt. First Abby, then Hook, then Bae. Tink and I aren't close, but we are friends, and I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me.
So, now what? Am I just supposed to run, and be on my own forever?
I could always find the Shadow again. I'm sure it would be happy to take me back, and away from Pan. It would be able to hide me, tell me about Pan and his weakness. I would be able to find out how to beat him, and take him down.
But, at this point, what will that accomplish? It won't change the fact that I can't leave. It will only either get the Lost Boys to come after me, and I'll just be spending eternity running for my life from the boys who trusted me.
I sigh, and pick up a rock. I throw it as far as I can, just to make myself feel better. It doesn't help, really. I can't do anything, but throw stuff at this point. I'm angry, so I'm just throwing stuff. Because that accomplishes so much.
I'm useless. I can't run, because I'll be alone. I can't join Tink, because I'll be putting her in danger. I could find the Shadow, but even that future seems bleak, spending eternity with only the Shadow for company.
"But why can't I run?" I ask myself, as I step over a fallen log. "It's not like I'm not alone as it is. Bae's gone, so what's the point?"
Because I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I realize. Even before I was taken to Neverland, I made decisions based on what was best for Abby. When I came to Neverland, I was trying to get back to Abby, and protect her. When I couldn't, and Hook was gone, I always did what was best for Bae.
But, without anyone to care about, without anyone to fight for, I'm just empty. Useless.
I can't keep fighting, because there isn't anyone left for me to fight for.
So, what now? Do I just give up? Do I stop fighting now?
Because the truth is, I'm tired. I'm tired of running from Pan, and I'm tired of always fighting for myself. It was because of Bae that I kept on going. That I didn't lay down and die, or give into Pan just to stop it all. I did it for Bae. And before him, for Abby.
Why should I keep fighting, if I have nothing left to fight for?
Wait, what am I saying?
I can't seriously be considering giving in. If I do that, all my fighting will have been for nothing. Well, not exactly. I got Bae out, didn't I?
I feel a small burst of pain, as I cut myself on a fallen branch. I look down as the wound, I sigh, and just imagine a band-aid over it. Cuts don't really matter, considering how much pain Pan has put me through.
I shake my head, turning back to my thoughts.
I don't want to give up. I don't want to become Vin. But everytime I think about it, the more tempting the option becomes.
I won't have to fight. I could finally rest. I wouldn't be alone. The Lost Boys would be there, taking care of me.
But that would mean breaking. It would mean giving in, and doing the very thing that I swore I would never do. I would be agreeing to stay with the people who took me from my home, locked me in a cage, and have pushed me into becoming one of them.
I don't want it to be my only option, but it just feels like it is.
I don't know why, but I feel my mouth open, shouting what I just need to say.
"Help me!" I shout. "Just, somebody, anybody...help."
The last word is a soft whisper, as I realize no one is going to answer me. No one is going to help me get out of this. Not Abby, with her innocence, not Hook with his belief in good form, not Bae with his insistence that we stick together. I'm on my own.
I'm just...alone.
I sink to the ground, crying softly.
I want it to end. I'm just so tired. I just want it all to end. I know it won't, though. I'm here forever, and whatever choice I make right now will decide how I'm going to be spending all eternity.
"I can't give into her," I whisper, between sobs. "I can't break and give into Vin. I can't do it. I break, and I will be his tool forever. His mindless weapon, just making whatever magical things he wants. I...can't….I won't do it. I won't break, and give into Vin."
I wipe my eyes, as I realize how crazy I'm sounding. Vin isn't even a person. It's just something that represents giving into Pan. But, is it, really?
Pan calls me Vin, as does Felix and all the other Lost Boys. Because, that's their way of saying that I'm their sister. That they care about me. All this time, they've called me Vin, but I haven't broken. I'm still who I am, whether someone has called me Vin, or Jess. Because, that's just it. Jess, and Vin, whatever I'm called, it doesn't change who I am.
Vin is just a name.
Why am I so scared of a name?
The idea seems so silly, I almost laugh. All this time, I've been scared of a name. I've been scared of breaking, and all this time, I've believed that would make me Vin. But it doesn't. Vin is just what the Lost Boys call me, because to them, I'm their sister. A Lost Girl.
I don't need to be scared of being Vin, because, in a way, I've always been Vin. I've always been their sister, because I've always cared about them. That made me Vin. I also cared about Bae, and Abby, and that made me Jess.
So, why can't they be the same person?
I mean, I told myself that as long as Bae saw me as his sister, I would always be Jess. And, he's swore that he wouldn't forget about me. I'm always going to be Jess.
But, if I'm going to spend eternity here and Neverland, why can't I stay with the people I care about? Because I care about the Lost Boys, even Felix. Not Pan, but the Lost Boys. And, it's like the younger boys said. Vin is their sister. Jess is Abby and Bae's sister. But they're the same person: me.
All this time, I've been running away from the idea of being the Lost Boys' sister, because I thought it would break me. Because I thought that I couldn't love them, and Bae and Abby at the same time. And, I think that's what Pan believes too. That's why he's pushed me; he's trying to make me forget Abby and Bae, so that I will be a Lost Girl, and break.
"That isn't it, though," I say to myself, standing up. "That was never it. I thought by loving the Boys, I broke. But it's just the opposite."
By loving the Lost Boys, I'm stronger.
Because I love both them, and Bae and Abby.
I feel a sort of lightness in me, and I almost laugh again.
Why shouldn't I laugh? Why should I be scared anymore?
For so long, I've been forced to choose between the boys, and those who weren't part of Pan's group. But, I don't have to choose anymore.
I'm never going to forget Bae, Abby, or Hook. They will always be a part of me, and I will always carry them with me. But, I don't have to choose anymore. They'll remember me as Jess, and that is enough for me.
Why should I keep running from being Vin? Why can't I embrace her?
Vin isn't the person I fear that I may become. Vin is me.
I finally allow myself to laugh.
In freeing Bae, I also freed myself. I don't have to be scared of Pan, because he doesn't have any hold over me. I can love both sides without having to be scared of what he'll do to one.
I was empty, because I thought I had no one. But, far from it. I have an entire camp that's full of brothers, who I can love just as much as I love Bae.
I wanted someone to care about, to fight for. Well, now I do. I can fight for the Lost Boys.
And Pan?
Pan can go screw himself, because I've still beaten him at his own game. I don't love him, I haven't given into him. I've chosen to love both those back home, and those here in Neverland. I haven't broken.
If anything, I've repaired myself from breaking, because I'm not torn between the people I love anymore.
I haven't given into Pan. I'm farther out of his reach than I've ever been before.
I realize that I'm practically skipping across the forest. I stop, and let out another laugh. I remember when I told Hook that, other than the Lost Boys, Neverland was beautiful. As I walk through the forest, with no idea where I am, I can see that beauty again. The trees, the breeze on my face, the wild power that I feel with my sixth sense, it's all beautiful.
All of this time, I've thought Neverland was a cage, like what Pan put me in. But, I was only in a cage, because I was being forced to choose between them. But, I don't have to choose anymore.
Neverland isn't a cage. It's...home. That's all I can call it: home.
Suddenly, I'm climbing a tree, and making a zipline. I savor the feeling flying again, as I take off through the forest.
If I am going to make this home, I'm going to need my own place.
Even if I'm their sister, I'm still a girl. I need my privacy. I can't sleep with the younger boys all the time. I'm going to need a place where I can just get away, get a few hours to myself.
I find myself taking my ziplines to the Southern part of the island, where I stayed sometimes when I was living on my own. Before Pan made me drink the water. I don't know why I'm drawn there. I guess I'm just making up as I go.
I start to survey the areas as I fly over them, eventually stopping at a small grove, with a few tall, thick trees, where I can see the sky clearly, and I can see the sea in the distance. Perfect.
Now, where to live? Am I just going to imagine a tree house, or...oh, that's brilliant.
I take my ziplines to a branch of a nice, tall thick tree, and I imagine it hollow. Living in a hollow tree. Just like a fairy tale.
Heck, I see fairy tales in my dreams. Why can't I have my own?
With the tree hollow, I imagine a door in the trunk, even though I'm still, that can only be seen by those I want to see. I open it, and almost step off into nothing, catching myself just in time.
Once, I would have been shocked at almost dying, but my ecstasy just makes me laugh again.
Right, I should probably imagine a platform or something.
I get to work, letting my imagination run wild. I haven't done anything like this since...since I made my mindbox.
Bae always frowned on magic. But it's not bad. Not really. It's a part of me, and I'm embracing it as much as I am the Lost Boys.
I imagine a platform before me, but I make it look like part of the trunk, with rings in the brown-reddish wood to represent age. Which, is ridiculous, because nothing ages in Neverland.
Actually, speaking of rings…
I hollow out the center of the platform, so that it really is a ring around the center of the tree. Then, with a huge grin, I imagine a waterfall, falling down from the side of the ring across from me, and down the center, landing in the bottom.
Yes, a fully functioning waterfall, in a tree. Just because I can make it.
With another idea popping up, I make a crystalline spiral staircase, circling the waterfall, and down to the roots of the tree. For fun, I imagine flowers covering the rails of the staircase. Except, these are four petal flowers, with blue and purple petals. Just like the butterfly necklace Hook gave me.
With that, I turn to the side, imagining a large window, that looks out into Neverland. Home. The view is incredible, with the sea in the distance, the large peak rising up on the other side, and the large jungle below me.
I start imagining so many other things for my new home. A crystal chandelier, a canopied bed, with sheer white curtains, and silver bedposts. I mean, I'm still a girl. Just because I'm the only one here in Neverland-well, except for Tink- doesn't mean that I have to be a tomboy.
Pictures, almost like paintings on a cave, start to cover my walls. Pictures of constellations, mountains, the ocean, with the mermaids swimming free through the waves, and The Jolly Roger sailing across the water. My precious little sister, running free on a grassy hill, with Bae by her side.
I'm not letting go of them. I'm embracing them, and the Lost Boys.
I start to add a white vanity, and a full length, ornate mirror. And a rack of knives, so I can still throw. Just because I'm letting my girly side break loose, doesn't mean I'm letting myself become helpless.
Finally satisfied with my work, I turn, and look at the mirror. I've been able to get a few minutes alone to bathe in the river at camp, so I'm pretty clean. But my hair...still a matted mess.
Instead of bothering to brush it, I just imagine a pair of scissors, and cut it all out. Within moments, it's all at my feet, so I imagine it grown back to the length it was before, except braided with a leather cord woven through the strands.
I finally take a good look at myself in my mirror. The years with Bae have made me thinner, but the food and constant time of running, ziplining, and training with Pan have made me more lean than skinny. My clothes are slightly torn, but that can be fixed easily.
And I'm smiling. I have a ridiculous grin on my face, and I'm fine with it.
Because, I feel happy. For once, I feel truly, inexplicably happy.
I look in the mirror, and I see both Jess, and a Lost Girl. And I embrace both of them as me.
I beat you, Pan. You thought that by killing Bae, or at least getting him out I would just despair, and break. Maybe I would have. But, that's not what happened. I'm a Lost Girl, and the Lost Boys are my family. But in no way, am I broken. In no way am I yours.
I have won. In the end, when it truly mattered, Pan, I won. No matter what you do now I'm never going to break.
Point to Vin.
A/N: Yes! That just happened!
Yay! Early Update! I've actually been wanting to write this chapter for so long. Pretty much, every time Let It Go came up on my iPod, I was picturing this chapter. So, I hope y'all enjoyed it.
A special thanks to sarah0406, creativeminds1896, and sydvan23 for putting this story on alert, and to Dreamer-Girl96, sydvan23, and goddess of heroes and time for favoriting it. Also, a thank you sarah0406, Dreamer-Girl96, chinaluv, peterpanlover, LunaEvanna Longbottom, Tukie4, The Wolf Who Writes, meguhanu, ChristineDaae-ThePrincess, songwriter16, creativeminds1896, shootingstar1618, twentyfour24, Kirsten, The white angel, and Guests, for leaving awesome reviews. And, of course, a special thanks to Uncommon fairy and Can't-Escape-My-Fandoms, my incredible betas!
Also, I hope y'all had a Merry Christmas, and since I'm probably not going to get it out by then, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year!
Please follow, favorite, review, or whatever y'all want! I know this chapter was a little different than usual, so feedback on Jess's thoughts are especially appreciated. :)