Well hello, hello my dear readers! I realize I didn't reply to any of your reviews...which I'm sorry about. Life got in the way! But I appreciated each and every one of them. Before we start, just a quick thank you to SpiritQuartz, who helped me fix up this chapter so much that it wouldn't be the horrible crap it was before I sent it to her! And another thank you to CrystalCuCu-Mariarty for fixing up what was came after and making it acceptable for you guys to read!
Enjoy!
I was in that place between waking and sleeping; I wasn't quite awake, but I wasn't fully asleep either. It was that place where one little thing could break the spell and cause you to wake. And this morning, that tiny little thing was the repeated compression happening in my bladder. Punch, punch, punch, like my bladder was a lumpy pillow and she was trying to make it more comfortable. My eyes slowly fluttered open and the waves of bright sunlight temporarily blinded me.
I rolled off the bed and stumbled, lurching forwards just a tiny bit. I felt a sharp jab in my abdomen and I placed my hand on my stomach, calming the restless kicks. My son this time. The doctor had showed me their relative positions at each appointment, explaining that I needed to keep track of their movement -'kick counts', she had called it - so I followed and pictured their positions as they moved. A couple of days ago, the two little ones had not stopped dancing; it was like they were partying their lives away.
I laughed at my thoughts, rubbing gentle circles on my tummy. They relaxed for a moment, and I took the temporary hesitation to make my way to the bathroom and empty my bladder. In the last few weeks, my morning sickness had eased, thankfully, though many days I would still feel slightly queasy.
But when one thing ends, another begins. And so had the pains and constant need to pee. Throughout the beginning of the pregnancy they were a minor annoyance but now, it seemed that they amplified a thousand times in intensity. I had a done a good job so far of hiding it from Dimitri and Lissa. Though I suspected Adrian had an inkling.
Upon returning to the room, I noticed the empty bed, something I'd failed to see when I had gotten up. From the looks of it, the bed had been empty for quite some time, save for myself. And when I looked at my phone, it was almost one in the afternoon…which couldn't be right. The jetlag and time difference shouldn't have made me this lethargic. It wasn't right.
My stomach rumbled and I glanced wistfully at the bed, wishing I could curl back under the warm sheets and enjoy the sunlight. I ran my fingers though my hair before heading over to my suitcase to make myself look presentable. Although Dimitri wouldn't have minded the tiny shorts and the tank top that rode up, I'm pretty sure his family would, and I wanted to make a decent impression.
God knows what damage yesterday had done; hopefully my choice of dress could work in my favour. Last night when we had sorted out all our business and the Belikovas understood as much as possible, I'd gone straight to bed. I even skipped dinner, something I never did. I needed some space to breathe without someone judging me.
When I protested Dimitri following me up, he shut me down and told me that he'd rather be here, with me, than with the others. I looked at him incredulously and he only told me he loved me.
I broke down crying. This man held so much love for me, it was breathtaking. To think that he'd skip being with his family to be with me…it made my heart swell. As my eyes watered, Dimitri came up to me and dropped on his knees, resting his forehead against mine, and smiling a smile I knew he only reserved for me.
He had reached down and grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers together and I bolted up to meet his eyes, the electricity running through me at just his touch. His left hand reached up and stroked the side of my face and I turned into his touch, feeling the warmth.
"You should be with your family."
"I am." He replied simply.
"You know what I mean."
He kissed my hand and held it to his chest, moving to look into my eyes.
"Roza, the moment I knew I was in love with you, that I wanted a life with you, you became my family. You and our children. It doesn't change the love I have for Mama and the girls, but they're relatives, and my family- my nuclear family- is right here with you and our children. Do you understand?"
"Honestly? Not really, no."
He pursed his lips, thinking. "When you think the word 'home' do you think of your mother?"
"No, I think of you."
"Exactly."
"But I've never had the kind of relationship you do with your family, there's no comparison."
"It doesn't matter what the relationship is like. The bottom line is that I love you, and that makes you my family. It's even in the Bible."
"No way, where? You're making that up."
He smiled at my accusing tone. "Genesis 2:24 and Mark 10:7 says that 'man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife' I'm sure I can borrow Mama's copy if you want to see it."
"No, I believe you. Okay then... Hold me?" I asked gingerly, the only thing that I wanted was for him to comfort me.
Dimitri nodded and carried me to his bed. Slowly, we'd taken off our clothes, leaving me in only my tank and panties, and him in his boxers. Nothing happened- I had no desire to get frisky with thin walls and his granny in the house- we just held each other, but it felt so good. I laid next to him, and his arms around me promised me good things. I nestled into his chest and fell asleep to the soothing sensation his fingers running through my hair.
It had been a nice night.
Now, I pulled on some leggings and a comfy maternity sweater that I'd allowed Lissa to buy me. I flipped my hair upside down and pulled it into a quick top knot. As I was just ready to leave, I heard a timid knock on the door.
I opened it to see Viktoria; she was nervous. From the lip biting to the thumb twitching to the darting eyes, it was very obvious. I smiled gently and laid a hand to calm her twitching fingers. She jumped and looked up at me, holding a hand over her heart.
"Oh, you scared me, Rose." She said, shaky.
"I believe you were the one who came here," I retorted, raising an eyebrow, or at least trying.
She glared at me playfully. It was hard to believe that only twelve hours ago that glare wasn't so playful. "I, um, just wanted to know, if you, um, wanted to hang out today, probably?" She asked.
I was silent for a minute, and she must've interpreted it the wrong way. Her eyes widened. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Obviously you don't want to hang out. I'll just leave you then." Viktoria started to back away.
I moved to the hallway. "Viktoria, wait!" I called after her. She turned around, hopeful. "I…yeah, we can hang out today."
"Oh really, Roza?" She said. "You're the best!" Before I knew it, her arms were around me. "Oh, I'm sorry." She stepped back. "Sorry." She muttered again.
"It's okay," I told her genuinely. "Just let me eat something first?" I needed food if I was going to deal with someone so skittish. I couldn't believe this was the same girl who'd been trying to throw down with her brother in the front yard not even 24 hours prior.
She nodded. "Mama's just finished lunch. But if you want breakfast instead that's fine, too." She said, overly excited.
"Thank you. Do you know where Dimitri is?" I asked.
"He's downstairs with Paul. He came down a couple hours before you woke up. He said he'd let you sleep."
"Thank you, Viktoria."
"Call me Vika. It's what everyone does anyway, it's just easier." She smiled.
"Okay, Vika."
When I went downstairs, I found Dimitri and his nephew in the living room, along with his sister Karolina. "Good afternoon," he murmured against my neck when I sat down beside him.
"Morning, Comrade." I whispered back. He chuckled and kissing me gently, before wrapping an arm around my midsection and pulling me in.
"Eww." I heard. "Mama, Uncle Dimka and Aunt Rose are kissing." Paul made a face and we all laughed.
"Well then don't look, Paul." Karolina told him jokingly. Paul rolled his eyes at his mother and she muttered something in Russian then turned to me. "Good afternoon, Rose. I hope you had a good night."
"I did, thank you." I said, smiling back.
Just then, I noticed that Paul was standing on the other side of his uncle and whispering something in his ear. Dimitri's lip curled upwards. He muttered something back to Paul. Unfortunately it was in Russian, so I couldn't understand. Damn him and his refusal to teach me the language.
"Manners, Paul! You speak English around people who don't speak Russian. Don't pick up your uncle's bad habits." She glared pointedly at her brother.
Paul apologized, but he stared at me with wide eyes and what could only be described as utter fascination. It was so cute. Dimitri gently gave him a push and he stumbled over to me. I smiled at him.
"What can I do for you, Paul?" I asked him, ruffling his hair.
"Did you really kill two Strigoi all by yourself, Aunt Rose?" he blurted out.
I cringed, remembering Spokane. I think Karolina must have seen me because she chastised Paul not a second later. "Paul, that's not a very nice question."
"But it sure is an exciting one," Viktoria said, walking into the room with a glass in her hand.
Great. Now I was outnumbered, being cornered about my absolute least favourite story, and I still hadn't had so much as a sip of juice. This was not my day.
"It's okay, Paul, and yes, I did. You can't be a Guardian unless you can kill Strigoi, right?" I said, turning and showing him the two molnija marks that adorned my neck. I felt light touches; Paul was tracing them.
"Wow," he whispered, awestruck. Who could blame him? I was just like that at 10. I couldn't wait to kill Strigoi. Hell, I was like that right until I had to kill Strigoi.
"Don't worry, Paul, someday you'll have many more." I tickled him in the stomach and he laughed. My own words echoed around me, making me uncomfortable. I was talking about sending a ten year old out to kill. Sure, it was at some theoretical future point, but that didn't change anything. I was playing a part in this broken system, making a child excited to kill, just like they'd done to me.
Just like we'd do to our babies.
He was about to say something but was cut off by his grandmother announcing that lunch was ready. We all got up and headed into the kitchen where Olena smiled warmly at us. "Roza, how are you doing this morning?" she asked.
"I'm fine, Olena. Thank you." I was glad she hadn't brought up last night. "Lunch smells good." I told her, taking a seat beside Dimitri and Viktoria.
"Just wait until you try it," Viktoria said, helping herself to the various dishes situated on the table.
After a couple bites, it was obvious that this lady was an amazing cook. Thank god for Dhampir metabolism. I tried pacing myself, but I was starving from skipping dinner and breakfast. Soon I was saying, "Lunch was fantastic, Olena. Thank you so much. Dimitri was right; you're a great cook. Maybe you wouldn't mind sharing a few recipes?" I could get Sparky to use that Home Economics class after all.
Olena laughed. "Thank you, dear. Doesn't Dimitri ever cook for you? I taught him how to you know."
"Yeah, I'd starve without him," I joked. "But you're a way better cook." I stage-whispered to Olena.
I heard a gasp and I could only guess from whom. "Roza, you're going to pay for that."
I shrugged my shoulders at him, "Comrade, I know you better than that. You'd never let us starve. You're too sweet- your mother raised you right." I replied sweetly, in my best 'innocent' voice. Everyone at the table laughed.
"So, Rose, you're going to be a mother," Karolina said, timidly. And here goes the elephant in the room.
From beside me, I saw Dimitri shoot her a glare, one that said, 'what were you thinking? Knock it off.'
"It's okay," I said, addressing everyone's look of remorse. Only Paul looked like he was oblivious to what was going on. He sat there playing with his action figures quietly while he ate. Paul knew I was pregnant, but he didn't wonder why. It was more of like a state to him, something normal.
"Yes, I am."
"Are you ready?" Karolina asked again.
"I think I am. I mean, I'm never ready for anything but that's why I have Dimitri, right?" I wiped my hands on the napkin and placed them on my lap.
She smiled a sympathetic smile at me. "I remember when I had Paul. I was eighteen too, and completely scared out of my mind. I panicked when I first found out and didn't stop panicking until he got here." She laughed. "I was still a teenager and pregnant, you know? I wasn't ready for children yet, even though it was a completely normal age for us to start popping them out. I wanted to live my life, no restrictions, I didn't want to give up anything-"
The unease from before swept back in, and as I saw Paul playing with his action figures, I wondered if the Strigoi who would kill him was already changed or if they were still innocent- some Dhampir from school, maybe.
I couldn't hear properly; Karolina's words blurred together into a constant drone. Around me, the Belikovas started to shift, looking more and more menacing. Their utensils clattered and clanged like the steel of swords. Swords that Paul wasn't strong enough to use. My heart started to beat faster, and my breath came too quickly.
I stood carefully, focused on getting away without humiliating or hurting myself. "Excuse me for a moment." I mumbled, before heading quickly for the stairs.
I dashed to our room, closing the door and sinking to the floor. I crawled to the foot of the bed, pressing my flushed face to the cool sheets.
I was going to be a mother…I was going to be a mother. At eighteen. I can't do this…I…I was still a kid. I wanted to- It didn't matter what I wanted though, did it? You graduate, you're assigned someone to live for. You don't get to take a year off to backpack across Europe or choose a college- your whole life is catered to your Moroi. If you breed, it's because it's your duty, and you're expected to ship your kids to an academy the second they turn 5.
Promise marks. Combat classes. They Come First. Eternal Service, forever and ever, amen.
They were going to turn me into my mother.
I couldn't think straight. I couldn't… I grabbed the nearest object to me and held on, in the distance I heard my name being called out. I couldn't find it in me to respond, I couldn't find my voice. I put my head down and closed my eyes, surprised to find my body shaking.
Everything started spinning making my head hurt. My chest was so tight, it started to get hard to breathe. I needed to calm down, I needed-
I can't, I can't, I can't…
There were arms around me suddenly. I wasn't gasping for air anymore but my head was pounding and everything felt off-balance.
"What happened?" I asked warily.
"I don't know! You left the table and I found you in here. I think you had a panic attack. You didn't seem like you could hear me, and then you fainted. Roza, you scared me." Dimitri said, his hands going to my face. "Don't do that to me again."
I tried to brush his concern off, but I couldn't manage to smile.
Dimitri sat me on his lap and looked into my eyes. "Roza, what happened?" he asked. "What caused your attack?"
It was embarrassing, really. And it was stupid. I didn't want to voice my insecurities and have Dimitri judge me for them. I knew he never would, but I would judge myself if I put them into light. "It was nothing."
He sighed wearily. "Rose, you need to tell me what's going on. I can't help you if you don't, milaya."
I bit my lip and buried my face in his neck, inhaling his deep intoxicating smell. It calmed me somewhat. I swear, if it weren't for what I was getting, I would have my whole reproductive system removed if it meant I would have zero chance of getting pregnant. I immediately felt guilty for even having the thought. I wanted to be able to have Dimitri's children, so I get a miracle- two miracles- and I had a thought like that? I was such an ingrate!
Not a second later did the tears, hot and wet, start to fall out of my eyes and dampen Dimitri's skin.
He whispered in my ear, soothing me. "Please, moya lyubov', please let me in."
It was ironic. He here was, begging and pleading with me to let him in, just like I had the night of his panic attack when he came home. Not that he would ever call it a panic attack.
"Roza, Roza, look at me." He brought my face up to meet his. "I love you." He murmured.
Dimitri kissed me. Deeply and passionately. "Please tell me what's wrong," he asked when he pulled back.
I looked into his deep brown eyes, eyes that encouraged me to speak. "I can't do this, Dimitri." I whispered. "I can't be a mother. I can't, I don't know how…what if I end up like my mother? Oh my god… I'm going to end up like my mother and our kids will start resenting me. Oh god. And I'm eighteen, Dimitri I'm a teen mother. I can't do this, Dimitri, I just can't-"
"Will you shut up, Rose?"
Did he just talk to me like that? Did he just say what I think he said? I looked at Dimitri sharply. But all I saw was his good natured smile.
"Roza, you don't have to worry. In fact, I'm going to ban that kind of worrying from you." I raised an eyebrow at him. Dimitri continued. "You are going to be a fantastic mother. Do you know how I know? Because you love with all your heart, and you'd never let harm come to those who you love. You're willing to lay your own life on the line, so they can live. You spend your time with people who love you, and everything about you. You make people laugh, you pick them up, you're always there, and most importantly, you bring out the best in everyone. And that's what makes a fantastic mother. You, my love, are going to be the world's best mother because you'll love our children so much- and you learned from your mother's mistakes, so you'll let our children know they're loved."
"Really?" I asked quietly. "You really think I won't be a bad mom?"
"I really do, Roza. I really do."
"That doesn't change the fact that they'll want our babies to be Guardians. The Strigoi already want them, the Moroi have their entire lives planned out- they probably carve our tombstones the moment we're named. They're miracles, something special and unique and our world is going to destroy that!
"God, Dimitri, think about it! You were there, you saw how your family reacted, and they love you. All our lives, it's going to be the same. People thinking I'm a whore and you're an idiot. And it's worse if the wrong people believe you ARE their father, because then the babies will be test subjects!"
"Hush now." he said softly, wrapping me in his arms, "We'll deal with that when the time comes. Right now they're in the safest place in the world, tucked inside you where nothing can touch them. Let me protect you, Roza. Just focus on one day at a time. We'll win each battle as they come." He pulled back and gave me an encouraging smile.
I returned it timidly. "Will you be mad if I tell you I haven't really forgiven your family?"
He chuckled. "To be honest, I haven't either. Forgiveness takes time."
"I love you, Dimitri. You'll never know how much I love you." I whispered against his lips.
"I beg to differ, Roza. You'll never know how much I love you."
I smiled. "Thank you, Comrade. Thank you for loving me."
So? What did you guys think? The next time we see each other won't be for a while, unfotunately. The next chapter is going slow, but I assure you it's going to be major drama, so you don't want to miss that!
Until next time,
Sarah :)