Chapter 38: It's On

How will dinner go with the parents? And what is the next phase of Penny's plan for Merla?

Leonard walked up to the hostess at the restaurant and inquired, "We're here with the Hofstadter party?"

The young lady behind the desk smiled and motioned them to follow her, "Right this way."

As they approached the table, Sheldon greeted the older couple, "Good evening, Mother. Hello, Alfred."

Leonard did the same, though a tad less formally, "Hey, Dad, Mary."

Mary face brightened when she saw Niki and Penny, "I see y'all have brought your ladies with you. How have all of you been?" She addressed Niki directly, "You look tired, young lady"

Niki took her seat and studied the menu, looking up briefly to smile at Sheldon's mother, "I'm fine, Mary. Works been a bit trying, but that's all."

Mary's head immediately swiveled to address her son, "Shelly, is there something you're not tellin' me?"

Her husband put his hand on hers and patted in a calming manner, "Mary, leave that be. If Sheldon didn't inform you, it can't be that important."

Sheldon picked up his own menu and gave a long sigh, "Mother, this has been a very recent development, I haven't had the opportunity to share it with you yet."

Mary nodded, "Okay, what's been troublin' you two?"

Niki placed her menu back on the table and looked straight at Mary, "Oh, Sheldon and I have gotten an intern. Totally not at our request, by the way."

Sheldon's mother smiled warmly, "That's nice. Is he or she a big help to you?"

Both couples gave an emphatic, "NO!"

Sheldon addressed Mary in a regret-filled voice, "Mother, I hate to tell tales out of school, so to speak, but the girl is a monster."

Her head turned back to face Niki, "Is that true, Honey?

Niki nodded sadly, "Every word of it. The term monster would be flattering her."

Sheldon continued, "Why would the Administration send us an intern who knows next to nothing of physics? She is totally incapable of aiding in our research at all."

Penny grinned, "Plus, she's got a huge crush on Sheldon."

Mary's mouth made a perfect O, "Is that right, son?"

He studied his menu intently, focused on avoiding the embarrassing question, "Yes, she has a tenuous understanding of basic physics at best."

Mary knew her son and pressed the issue, "I wasn't talkin' about the science stuff, Shelly. Is she really keen on you?"

"Mother…" he moaned and rolled his eyes.

Niki answered Mary's question, "Oh yeah. She never lets him out of her sight if she can help it."

Penny couldn't help but giggle, "Plus, she cramps their style big time."

Mary turned to Leonard's wife with a questioning look on her face, "What do you mean, darlin'?"

"She's the niece of the President of the college, so they have to be careful to keep their relationship under wraps, which is next to impossible for your son and his honey." Penny winked playfully at Sheldon.

Mary was still confused and asked, "How's that?"

Penny changed to a matter-of-fact tone, "Usually, they can't keep their hands off of each other."

Sheldon glared at Leonard's wife, "Penny, need I remind you that you are speaking to my mother?"

"What, she thinks you don't hug and kiss Niki?"

He went back to studying the menu, "I do believe, on that particular subject, my mother has been given ample evidence to the contrary."

Penny looked at Sheldon and gave a knowing smile, "Oh yeah, prom. That was classic."

Alfred interjected himself into the conversation, "Now that was what I liked seeing, spontaneous affection. You know, it is only our modern Western society that has made public displays of affection taboo. The ancient Romans…"

Leonard interrupted his father, "Dad, stop. No one here cares to hear about the ancient Romans. We came to discuss your plans, remember?"

Alfred began to explain the dilemma faced by him and his wife, but got sidetracked after a bit, "Oh yes, thank you for reminding me, son. Now, in November, I will be supervising a new dig in the interior of Australia. It will be most exciting, we will be hunting for artifacts from an ancient Aboriginal tribe who supposedly traveled and lived in the general vicinity. Quite an amazing people, actually. The tales we have heard tell of a nomadic people who managed to set up some sort of ordered civilization that included laws and some sort of governmental structure. We are looking to find proof of those things and, hopefully, a sample of written language. We hope to…"

Leonard put his head in his hands and spoke to the father through his clenched fingers, "Dad, enough about the aborigines of the past, why are we all here tonight? Sheldon and Niki came here after a long day at work and while I'm sure they would be fascinated by your dig any other time, tonight, I would imagine they are tired and would like to know the true purpose of this dinner."

Alfred nodded in agreement with his son, "I suppose you are right, Leonard. Okay. For several months later this year and part of the next, I will be in Australia for a week and then home for a week. Now generally Mary stays in Texas whenever I'm gone, but she wants to be around Sheldon and Niki when they are planning their wedding."

Mary interjected, "Oh, not to butt in or anything, I just want to see what you all plan and how it's going to look. I promise, I won't interfere or anything. When are you gettin' married, Shelly? Have you two set a date?"

Niki answered her kindly, "That's sound great, Mary. I'd love to have your help, actually. We've decided on April 18th. So, when will you need to have an apartment?"

Alfred looked at Niki, "By the first of November if possible."

Sheldon decided to enter the conversation, "Mother, how many bedrooms will you be needing?"

Mary thought for a moment, "Two. And two bathrooms. One for us and one in case your sister, brother, or Meemaw come for a visit. You can be sure your Meemaw will insist on visiting at least once before the wedding. I'd also like it to be close to downtown Pasadena. There's a church I like on Lake Avenue and I want to be in walkin' distance to some good restaurants and stores. Now, can you help us?"

Niki nodded her head, grinned, and turned to her man, "Sheldon, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

He grinned back at her and said, "Mother, you have seen the apartment I share with Niki."

Mary turned a disapproving eye towards the couple, "Yes, I have and I can't say I approve of you two livin' in sin, but you're getting married soon, so I guess I have to accept that." She picked up her own menu and pretended to be looking at the listings.

"Mother, you would have to accept it if we weren't getting married."

Mary put the menu down, "But you are, aren't you?"

He reassured his mother, but with a caveat, "Of course, marriage is very important to me. But I don't feel my relationship with Niki would be incomplete without marriage."

Mary searched Niki's face, "Darlin', how do you feel about all of this?"

Niki was confused, "What, the apartment? Living in sin? Our wedding? What exactly do you want my feelings on?"

"Well, all of it, girl."

Niki sighed and began to answer Mary's question, "Okay. Let's begin with living in sin. It is my personal belief that nothing intimate that two people do who are as closely bonded, and in love as your son and I are, is sinful. Our wedding? I feel excited and very lucky. The apartment business? Sheldon, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Sheldon looked over at her, "Perhaps. Niki, when do we move to Altadena?"

Niki threw him a 'You're kidding me' look and told him, "You know when. You're supposed to have that eidetic memory."

Within a second, he had total recall, "Oh yes. It will be towards the end of October. Are you considering having my mother take over the lease? It would save us the expense of the penalty we were going to incur for moving early. I do believe it would pose no great difficulty for us to talk to the property management office and negotiate a seamless transition from having the lease in Niki's name to yours and Alfred's, Mother."

Niki continued where Sheldon had left off, "Our apartment has two bedrooms, two baths, is within walking distance to some fine restaurants and theaters, and is a short bus ride from the church you admire. This could work. And no one would have to drive around town trying to find you a place. You and Alfred would be very comfortable there. It is quite large for a two bedroom apartment. Sheldon and I never feel we crowd each other at all."

Mary thought for a moment and then said, "I do like that open floor plan between the kitchen and the living room, that's real nice."

Niki added, "And handy. Sheldon and I can easily converse while one of us is preparing dinner."

Leonard felt his ears had deceived him, so he asked in a disbelieving voice, "Sheldon prepares dinner?"

Niki chuckled and shook her head, "Not really. But he's real good at dishing out the takeout food or heating things up in the microwave. He makes a decent breakfast, also."

Alfred put in his own thoughts on the matter, "Okay, that sounds very good. But perhaps Leonard would like us to take over his lease. He and Penny are moving out around the same time, are they not?"

Leonard responded to his father's question, "Yeah, Dad, but remember about our elevator? Do you and Mary want to climb those stairs every day?"

Mary elbowed her husband, "Lord, no! Alfred, Sheldon and Niki's place sounds perfect. The elevator works and everything. When can we do all of this?"

Sheldon did some mental calculations and informed Mary, "Mother, I do think talking to the managers in September will be more than enough notice to have the arrangements settled to everyone's satisfaction. Now, can we order our dinner? Niki and I have to be at work by 9:00 tomorrow, and we'd love to be able to get at least seven hours of sleep."

Penny snorted, "Yeah, like you guys will be sleeping. You two just want to get home and get busy."

Sheldon corrected Penny in a very practical voice, "Not so, Penny. We took care of our carnal needs earlier this afternoon."

Mary looked sternly at her son, "Sheldon! I'm your mother and I'm sittin' right here. I don't need to hear that sort of thing."

"Then cover your ears, Mother, because I was also going to tell Penny and Leonard that our lunch hour coitus was far above our usual high standards."

Leonard shot Sheldon an exasperated look, "Buddy, I don't think even I want to hear any more about you two and your impossible-to-match love life. Okay?"

"As you wish, Leonard." The waiter approached their table and asked if they were ready to order, Sheldon began, "Now, I do believe I will have the prime rib and a diet coke. Niki?"

"I'll have the Cobb Salad and a glass of raspberry iced tea, please."

Soon, everyone had ordered, the food arrived, and the evening ran its usual course. Alfred revealed more than anyone wanted to know about his upcoming dig, Mary chatted about her church work, Sheldon and Leonard talked shop, and Penny and Niki entertained themselves with girl talk. By the time the evening was over, everyone was satisfied with the apartment plans and was excited by the prospect of seeing more of Mary while she would be in town.

Later that night, in bed, Sheldon turned to Niki and asked, "Are you really pleased that my mother will be in town for an extended period of time?"

Niki put down the book she was reading and answered him, "Of course. I really like your mother. And besides, that way everyone in your family can come out here to meet me and we won't have to interrupt our work to fly back to Texas."

He kissed her on the nose softly, "That is an advantage, isn't it? Perhaps it will be a pleasant visit. I'd love you to meet my Meemaw."

Niki smiled and went back to her book, "I'm sure I'll like her."

Sheldon continued, "She's blunt, opinionated, and sometimes a bit pushy. But she loves me unconditionally."

Niki put down her book for good, "Now I know I'll like her. She reminds me of me!"

Sheldon studied Niki closely, "Yes, come to think of it, you are quite a bit like her. Maybe that is why I adore you."

Niki gave him a sly look, "Are you sure there aren't other reasons?"

"Of course, just a minute. He seductively pulled the top of her nightdress down, "Let me give you an example of some other things I love about you. I love this," he caressed her breasts, "and this," his ran one hand down her leg, "and…" he stopped as his excitement was growing rapidly.

Niki pressed her body against his, "Yeah, I think, as Leonard so correctly put it, that we do have an impossible-to-match love life."

Sheldon made a statement which startled her, "I have set myself a goal to sexually catch up with all of my friends within the next five years. Do you wish to join me on this quest?"

Niki sat straight up, adjusted her sleepwear, and looked at him, "What, is our love life going to become some sort of RPG?"

He became even further aroused, "That is a rather provocative thought, is it not?

Niki thought about the possibilities, lay back down and snuggled up to Sheldon, "What if I get high score? What's my prize?"

He grinned broadly, "A lifetime spent with me."

"Let's get playing, then. I've already got your joystick right here in my hand."

The next morning Sheldon and Niki arrived at their office in high spirits. The quandary about what to do with the lease on their apartment had been solved and Niki was looking forward to spending more time with Mary. She was truly fond of Sheldon's mother and would be happy to include her in their wedding plans.

As usual, Merla was waiting for them in front of the office door. She brightened when she saw Sheldon and a sour look appeared on her face when she noticed Niki walking right next to him. The girl stood up quickly and went to Sheldon's side. "Good morning, Dr. Cooper, what are we doing today?

Sheldon grinned at her; this tweaking with Merla's mind was getting to be quite enjoyable for him. "I was thinking we could take all of the research we have completed and run it down to Dr. Hofstadter and see what he can do with it."

Merla was curious, "Where is his office?"

Niki informed her, "Just down the hall and around the corner. He has more of a lab than an office. It is quite a fascinating place to visit."

"Let's go." Merla chirped. Then, NIki got up from her desk and prepared to join them. "Wait, is she coming, too?"

Sheldon looked at the girl strangely, "Why wouldn't she? Dr. Horner's research makes up a great deal of our study. Come, let's not dally. Leonard, like me, greatly appreciates punctuality."

Sheldon and Niki both grabbed their briefcases and headed for the door. Sheldon motioned Merla to follow them, which she did with tempered enthusiasm.

Niki decided to be the one who knocked on Leonard's office; she didn't want the girl to be too freaked out…yet. Sheldon's unique knocking ritual often had the effect of either frustrating or annoying people and they didn't want that from Merla. That time would be in the near future, but not on this day.

Niki announced, "Leonard, we're here!"

The door opened and Penny stood in front of them. "Hey, girl. Hey, Sheldon. Who's this?" She pointed to Merla, "Is this your intern you told me about?"

Sheldon took over the introductions, "Yes, she is. Merla Krane, this is Penny Hofstadter. Penny, this is Merla.

Penny looked intently at the girl. This was going to be so good. "So, is this the one who screws up all your research? I can't say I can talk. I don't know my ass from my elbow about this shit. Just like you."

Merla wheeled toward Penny, an enraged look on her face, "What the fuck are you talking about, lady? I do NOT screw up their work."

Penny ignored the girl's anger when she replied with a sly grin, "That's not what I've heard."

Merla huffed, "Hey, lady, I know a lot about physics!"

Leonard decided to call her bluff. "Okay. What is Avogadro's Constant used for? And her name is Penny, by the way, not lady."

Merla looked a bit puzzled, "Is it like Plank's Constant?" she asked hopefully.

Niki shook her head and tried hard not to laugh, "Nope. Different guys."

The intern stammered, "Uh, I haven't learned that one yet.

Leonard stared at the girl in disbelief, "And yet the university placed you with two of its top physicists? Merla, Avogadro's Constant measures the number of atoms or molecules in one mole of just about anything. Sheldon, why is she with you guys again? I'm lost here."

Sheldon dismissed his question with a wave of his hand, "Never mind, Leonard. The girl will come around. She does have her uses. I expressly brought her here so that she could see physics in action. Niki and I have brought you some of our data and we thought it might be educational for her to see what you actually do with it."

Leonard nodded, "Okay, buddy. Hand over your info. You too, Niki. Is Raj coming? He's in on this study, too, isn't he?"

Sheldon walked over to Leonard and explained, "Raj has informed me that he wishes to work on his part of the research a bit longer before presenting it to you. I do believe he may be on the cusp of an important discovery."

They gave Leonard their briefcases; he removed a stack of papers from each and then began to read intently. "Okay, let's see what I can do with this. It looks like you all are close to something very important."

Penny began to converse with Niki, "What do you think of Sheldon's mother staying in town for the winter?

Niki's face brightened and she replied to her friend, "I'm really looking forward to it. Admit it; we all enjoy her company, even Sheldon. Especially when she stays off of stripper poles." Sheldon turned to her and rolled his eyes.

"What?" Merla exclaimed, completely lost as to what the two women were talking about.

Penny patted the girl on the shoulder as she went over to join Leonard, "Long story, sweetie. Let's just say the lady surprised us all that day."

Niki snickered, "She especially surprised Alfred."

"Who the fuck is Alfred?"

Niki shot Merla one of her most severe looks, "Watch your tongue, please. Alfred is Mary's husband, Leonard's father, Penny's father-in-law, and Sheldon's stepfather.

Merla did a double take, "Say what?"

Penny put an arm around her husband and informed the girl, "Almost all of us are related in some way, shape, or form in our group of friends."

"What's the guy to you?" She asked Niki.

"Just someone I know and like. For now." Niki was thinking of the future and her marriage.

Merla was confused and asked Niki, "What do you mean by that?"

Niki shrugged, "Just that. Things can change, that's all. For now, I like Alfred quite a bit. But I'm not related to him at all, so I'm not obligated to keep the relationship going if I don't care to do so."

Their intern looked at both Niki and Sheldon in confusion, "That sounds a little cold."

Niki turned away from Merla entirely and began to address her friend, "I've been accused of worse, so I'll let that one go. Penny, do you want to get together with Bernie tomorrow night? It's been ages since we've all gotten together."

Penny turned to Niki and replied in a happy voice, "I'm there, totally."

Merla tried to pin Niki down, "Who's Bernie? Your fiancé?"

Sheldon hid his mirth by turning away from the girl while Niki laughed so hard tears fell from her eyes, "No. Bernie is short for Bernadette. She's Howard Wolowitz's wife. She's another of my best friends."

Penny kept the conversation going, "Hey, Nik, could we invite Georgia and Amanda, too? They're pretty cool."

Niki looked from Sheldon to Penny and replied, "That's a great idea! Why didn't I think of it? Merla, remember when Sheldon and I told you that Penny was the smartest of all of us? Things like this just back that up."

The intern was becoming even more confused and Sheldon and Niki were loving it, "Who are Georgia and Amanda? More scientists?"

Niki shook her head and explained to the girl, "Not really. Amanda teaches science at UCLA and Georgia, I believe, is a neonatal nurse. Is that right, Penny?"

Leonard interjected himself into the conversation, "Yeah, she works at Huntington Memorial."

Desperate to contribute something, Merla asked, "What scientist is she with?"

Niki flashed the girl a sympathetic smile, "She's not. She's with another friend of ours, Stuart Bloom. Stuart is a local business owner. And to further confuse you, Amanda is Dr. Koothrappali's girlfriend. It's a little confusing to keep us all straight, but we manage."

Leonard dimmed the lights and announced, "I hate to break up all the chatter, but is everyone ready for the light show?"

The all nodded and lined up on one side of Leonard.

Leonard placed a large mirror on one end of the room and a light source at the other. He then aimed and shot the light at the mirror. "Did you see what just happened?" he asked Merla.

She nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah, the light came right back at you."

Sheldon asked her, "And that is called?"

Merla drew a blank, "Uh…"

Leonard graciously gave her a hint, "What do mirrors do?"

The girl's face brightened, "Oh, it's reflecting!"

Leonard continued, "Very good. Now, I'm going to put this apparatus where the mirror was. Can you tell me what this is?"

Merla guessed, "Something black?" Niki couldn't help herself; she had to turn to hide her laughter.

Leonard kept up his patience, "Close. It's called a black body. You do know what a black body does, right?"

"I wouldn't count on it," Sheldon muttered.

She proved Sheldon's statement by replying, "Not really."

Leonard explained very carefully, "Okay, what did the mirror do?"

"It reflected the light."

Leonard generously gave the girl a smile, "Right. So what is the opposite of reflect?"

Merla was getting uncomfortable, "Uh, I don't know."

Niki aided the girl, "Absorb. A black body absorbs light, instead of reflecting it."

Merla stared at Niki rudely, "So what?"

Sheldon sighed and informed her, "We can use this blackbody to study how light enters a black hole and how we can measure if its frequency affects its absorption rate at all."

Merla perked up a bit, "Oh, is that what I was doing with Plank's Constant?"

Niki turned to Sheldon and whispered to him, "Duh."

Leonard began again, "Partly, yes. Now, why do you think Sheldon and NIki want to study light and black holes?"

Merla took a wild guess, "Does it have to do with light?"

Leonard grinned at her with exclaimed, "Bingo! They want to see if we can in any way, shape, or form, control how quickly light enters a black hole and if there is any way out again."

"Isn't there a way out of everything?"

Sheldon shook his head, "Not a black hole, at least that we KNOW of. That is Niki's area of this study."

Merla pointed to Leonard, "Oh, why aren't you doing that? You're pretty smart."

Penny had to hold Niki back and whispered into her ear, "Consider the source, Sweetie."

Leonard countered her remark with, "I'm not as knowledgeable as she is about this area of physics. My focus is more on dark matter, not light."

Merla struggled to understand and then gave up. She decided to steer the conversation back to her level, "Oh. Hey, can I ask you a question?"

Leonard smiled and nodded, "Sure."

"Just between you, me, and the walls, do you think Dr. Cooper wants to sleep with your wife? In real life she's even hotter than her pics on the phone. Maybe she would like to try him out in the sack, too."

This time it was Niki who held Penny back, "Remember, consider the source."

Leonard turned to the girl, pointed to the door, and coldly ordered her, "Please leave…now."

Merla snickered, "Hit a nerve, did I?"

Leonard expressed his anger through gritted teeth, "No, you have just majorly insulted me, my wife, and my best friend. I'm sorry Sheldon, Niki, but I will have to ask you to leave as well."

Niki looked at Leonard sympathetically, "That's okay. We understand. Come on, Merla, it's time to go."

Leonard calmed himself and added, "Sheldon, Niki, I'll run some tests on your data and let you know what happened as soon as I can. Can I ask you a favor, though?"

Sheldon went to his friend and squeezed his shoulder, "Of course, Leonard." Niki was still attempting to hold Penny at bay.

Leonard pointed at Merla, "Never, ever, bring that girl around me again."

Niki walked toward the door with Sheldon in her wake, "Have no fear, Leonard. I know just how you feel." She then grabbed the girl by the arm and told her, "Play times over, lady."

As they hurried back to their office, Sheldon and Niki exchanged chagrined looks. They didn't quite know what to say to Merla, but she spared them the effort when she announced, "My dad just texted me. I have to leave now; we've got relatives to pick up from the airport. I'll probably be back Monday or Tuesday. Oh, tell Dr. Hofstadter and his wife I was just kidding, okay?"

Niki muttered under her breath, "Sure thing…bitch."

Sheldon said loud enough for her to hear, "We will pass on your words to Leonard. But don't expect him to understand."

Merla shook her head, "I was just kidding, you know?"

Sheldon turned to face her, rage and embarrassment streaming from every pore of his body, "No, I do not know. You have accused me of desiring sexual relations with my best friend's wife. That was insulting to Penny, Leonard, and me. I would think very carefully before you say something like that again."

Merla began to walk away from them, "Oh come on. Get off my case. I didn't mean anything by it. You guys take offense real easy, don't you?"

"The proper word is 'easily' and I wish you good day." Sheldon opened the office door and he and Niki disappeared inside.

Niki walked over to her desk and saw that she had received a text from Penny. Nik, are you ready to play real dirty with this girl? This is WAR!

"OMG!" She exclaimed to Sheldon.

He turned to her for an explanation, "Whatever do you mean?"

"I just got a text from Penny regarding Merla. It's On."

*************************************************************************************

I do believe Merla is in for a world of hurt. What is Penny planning for her? My guess it is something clever, yet devious.