Chapter 36: Words That I Never Said

Kite x Reader

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Requested by: Silent Waltz

This is a sequel of the Chapter: 9, Back to December

I was determinately staring at the lees of the scotch-glass, which the bartender poured me some moments ago. Trying to forget the silly mistake I made at the Christmas day few years back, when I was too naive and foolish. But no matter how I tried, I just couldn't forget it; i failed miserably, and I couldn't just forgive myself to what I just brought upon on both of us...

How could he manage to survive, when all seemed so fine; so perfect...?

My eyes welled up with tears and dripped in moments into the auburn liquid, I realised, even though I didn't lift my eyes, that the bartender was sympathetically eyeing me out.

'Too early to move on?' he asked softly.

'sort of' I sniffed in and wiped my cheeks with a swift brush, he must be a good person, because, as soon as I replied, I felt if I could unburden my heart somewhere, it would be here... he is a stranger, he doesn't know where I live, or what I do, heck, even my name... 'it's like, I was too flighty for commitment that he wished for... ' My heart wrenched at the past memory crossed my mind, 'why does it have to be this way?'

Always in a rush
Never stay on the phone long enough
Why am I so self important

'Did you see him ever since...? ' that bartender poured me another drink, and affectionately poured some ice as I denied 'no... I am too afraid to see him; I rejected him when I had nothing to complain...' I gulped again the scotch as it's warm bitter taste filled my throat warm, trying to get myself drunk 'I am afraid to see him... It will only make me and him feel worse about what we had before... we never called or chatted or even came across.'

Said I'd see you soon
That was, oh, maybe a year ago
Didn't know time was of the essence

The bartender paused for a moment 'okay... so it's kind of communication gap... after breakup... wow! Never heard such thing that you had with your boyfriend... moving away, when still in love, and not knowing the reason...' he moved along in the counter. 'Were you really in love?'

'Don't joke around with me, alright!' I slammed the glass so hard on the counter that it cracked at the bottom 'after so many years... when I saw him, I finally thought I found the one, I was... no, we were more than in love' I gulped some scotch again. 'WE had sort of connection... almost like telepathy, as if we could read each other... when I was sad he would be at by my side... happy, amused, frightened... he was there and to each other... I finally... I finally thought...' I couldn't hold back my tears anymore; I started to sob at the memory, when I rejected his sincere proposal...

"I'm sorry I am not ready yet"

So many questions
I'm talking to myself
I know that you can't hear me anymore,
Not anymore...

How can I be so selfish, so stupid...? Damn me... Damn the life... DAMN MY MEMORIES THAT ARE KILLING ME LITTLT BY LITTLE SINCE THAT DAY... I threw the glass at the bar counter, and I heard the crashing noise of it... left my purse at the floor yelling at that asshole to get the money for the drinks and the property I have destroyed at the Bar and then I tried to get at the exit.

So much to tell you,
And most of all, goodbye
But I know that can't hear me anymore

The Exit door looked whirled up and liquid-like, and as I was going towards it, a table came on my way and I tumbled over it, and thudded myself against the cold and dirty floor.

'Miss... are you okay, you seem drunk...' that familiar voice of that asshole came to be heard nearby me, I tried to straighten up, but I felt incredibly wiggly and my throat burned 'no I am ... I am... not Drunk... you gun of a son... and whatever this is; it's your fault... FUCK OFF...' but I felt inside that it was not him I was cursing, I was cursing myself...

It's so loud inside my head with words that I should've said
As I drown in my regrets,
I can't take back the words I never said
I never said
I can't take back the words I never said

'Miss... Miss... It's too late, and you're alone and drunk... Please, let me call a cab for you...' that man started to mumble and I got up and slapped him hard.

'STOP SOUNDING LIKE MY EX BOYFRIEND... TAKE THE MONEY AND GO... WHY IN THE WORLD' I grabbed his cap and threw it aside and stepped on it like I was crushing my own heart alongside it 'EVERYBODY PRETEND TO BE CARING FOR ME... WHEN I THREW BACK THE ONLY ONE THAT CARED FOR ME...' I could feel the streaming tears down my cheeks...

Always talking shit
Took your advice and did the opposite,
Just being young and stupid
And I
I haven't been all that could've you hoped for
But if you held on a little longer,
You'd had more reasons to be proud

I fell apart... I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed the long platinum hair of the asshole bartender and yanked it with anger 'AND WHY THE HECK ALL OF YOU ARE DYING YOUR HAIRS GRAY... DON'T YOU KNOW GRAY WAS HIS HAIR-COLOR AND FROM THAT DAY I HATE GRAY HAIR ON ANYONE...?'

The longer I stand here, the louder the silence
I know that you're gone, but sometimes

'That's because I never left you _' that beaten up Bartender said.

I swear that I hear
your voice when the wind blows,

'How... how the hecks... do you know my name?' I shortly replied, as my eyes were deceiving me and so my ears 'HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?... YOU SOUND LIKE...'

So I talk to the shadows,
Hoping you might be listening 'cause I want you to know

'I am a little disappointed that you didn't know who was serving you drinks' he said again and gently seized me by the shoulder to meet my eyes. And the moment the gentle grey eyes met mine (e/c) orbs, all the drunkenness of the evening was driven away by the window...

'Kite? Is that you? Or I am mad?'

It's so loud inside my head with words that I should've said
as I drown in my regrets,

'Yes it is me...' he said short and curt, and made me sit at the nearby chair 'I always wondered why in the world you left me at the day when everything was so perfect...' he sighed. 'And look at the fate, you came to drink at my friend's bar... and I switched his place... you looked so bad, like' his voice was choking with moisture 'like you've been starving for ages...I couldn't help but to talk with you...' he slumped at the chair 'and god bless I did cause-'

I can't take back the words I never said

I didn't let him talk any further, I just jumped on his lap like a slut and sealed his lips with mine, and went on an on as his eyes closed at the old taste, and we didn't part till our breaths were out.

'Kite... you don't know how I felt since that ay... I may be the worst whore in the world-'

'Shh...' Kite said a little alarmed, he is always sensitive on the swear words 'don't be so hard on yourself... maybe I was a little early...' Kite coaxed me 'so, like adults, let's start again, and this time...'

We share everything... from happiness to insecurities

It's all about finding the right song, when I write fanfiction, so here the inspiration...

Inspired by : "Words" by Skylar Gray

I have two kinds of Feitan request, one smut and one angst, so he's a little hard so I'll take my time... wait for me... and as I go one, I will do some others...

Keep up and thank you very much for visiting