Hmmm looks like Elliot's behavior triggered more attention than the gentle exchanges between Casey and Olivia ... sigh ... honest I'm sad but ok I admit, I'm the one to blame, I pushed a little too far. Mental note: insert some explanation about it soon... which means I have to find an idea to get myself out of my own mess! lol
Anyway, guess this chapter will please fellow C/O lovers! Let's see what you think about it!
Ohh and I'm toying with the idea to add title to the chapters. Any thoughts or ideas?
Disclaimer: see chapter 1.
Casey Novak's apartment
08 September – 2:27 am
She had been awake for a couple hours, unable to go back to sleep. Her head popped onto her hand, she had taken the time to observe her sleep mate, the way her hair fanned out on the pillow, her arm bent behind her head as a makeshift pillow. The steady rise and fall of her chest.
- "I love you", she whispered to the sleeping woman beside her.
Knowing she wouldn't hear her but needing to say those words.
Wasn't love supposed to be the most beautiful feeling? Wasn't it what everyone longed for? Finding the right person? The person you can turn to in any situation? The only person who can make you safe in any situation? That's how she made her feel: cared for, safe.
She never felt this way before, not so strongly.
She should be the happiest woman in the world but her heart was breaking in a thousand pieces.
Her feelings had taken her by surprise; she clearly didn't expect them and didn't see herself as gay. But the truth was, she had pretty strong feelings for her just the same.
Maybe it had been there all along, or maybe it was the closeness they shared those past months, but she knew her feelings were real. She although knew they weren't mutual. It hurt her because seeing her with a man would break her heart.
It brought her back to the decision she had to make: leave SVU.
And this time Arthur Branch wouldn't refuse it to her, or she would give up on been an ADA.
When deep brown eyes shot open, Casey rolled onto her side, facing away from Olivia. She shut her eyes tight, praying Olivia didn't see her. And most important didn't hear her. What would she do if she did? Oh God what would happen if Olivia discovered she had feelings for her? She'd be disgusted. She would leave.
And she knew she wouldn't have the strength to carry on with the treatments without her by her side. She was making them so much more bearable.
She breathed with relief when Olivia rose without a word and went to the kitchen.
She heard her open the fridge, no doubt taking a sip of cold water; September was particularly hot this year.
Minutes later, Olivia came back and took her place back behind Casey.
Snaking both arms around her waist, resting her head on her shoulder, she smiled until she felt Casey stiffen in her arms.
After a moment she relaxed, but not completely. Tightening her hold around the slim waist, Olivia brought her lips close to Casey's ear before whispering "I love you too" softly.
She clearly didn't expect Casey's reaction as she dashed out of the bed as if burned.
Panting, a hand holding the bedsheet tight to her chest, she fixed Olivia with an angry glare.
- "You think it's funny Detective?" she half yelled.
- "Casey, what's wrong?", Olivia asked utterly surprised.
- "You damn well know what's wrong. How dare you say such things?", she went on, nostrils flaring.
- "You said them first", she smirked "and it's not the first time", she added.
- "Wh…what?"; Casey clearly didn't expect that.
- "You speak in your sleep Case", she replied amused.
- "I do not!", she countered angrily.
- "Oh yes you do. It's cute", Olivia admitted with a soft smile.
- "I do not speak in my sleep", she repeated through clenched teeth.
- "Yes you do Case. Not every night but it happened a couple times. And I'm glad you did. I'm glad this is in the open now. Because I love you too", she began, unsure as where this was leading.
- "You can't", she stated bitterly.
- "I can and I do", she responded angrily, taken aback by Casey's reaction.
- "You don't understand Olivia, I… I love you, as I'm in love with you"
- "Just like me"
- "I.. I can't have this conversation now", Casey gasped as she retreated to the living room. She felt awfully exposed right now.
- "Casey wait!", Olivia called after her.
When she didn't stop, Olivia stood and followed her in the living room.
She was prostrated on the couch, her head resting on the bent knees she was hugging tightly to her chest. She was rocking herself back and forth, something she hasn't done in months.
From the light coming from the street, Olivia could see she was shivering.
Making a quick trip back to the room, she came back with Casey's robe. But when she approached her to drape it over her shoulders, the younger woman jerked away, clearly refusing any contact.
The instant her eyes fell on her, Olivia regretted the way she behaved, she shouldn't have thought it would go easily, not knowing Casey's past as she knew it now; she'd have found a better way to tell Casey their feelings were mutual. Now she'd have to repair the damages she caused.
For long minutes, every time Olivia uttered a word, she looked like she was ready to flee. It took all Olivia's persuasion and gentleness to approach her, and drap her robe over her shoulders.
Then she sat on the coffee table, not moving, not talking, just waiting for Casey to look at her.
When she did, Olivia's heart broke at the sight: she looked like a rabbit caught in a car's headlights. Not even when her surgeon told her she had to go through radiotherapy sessions, did she look so frightened.
- "Not now Olivia, please not now", she implored her.
- "Case…"
- "Olivia, please. I'm begging you, not now, just.. I…I can't…it's…I…", she was hyperventilating, getting closer to hysteria with every shaky breath she difficulty took in, her eyes darting furiously around her.
- "Ok Case, just calm down", Olivia whispered, wishing she'd rewind time.
For the longest time, she just sat there, a foot away from Casey without being able to touch her. She could, she could force Casey to face her, she could easily overpower her but there was no way she would make things right between them afterwards.
She had to step back and be patient.
Not her primary quality in her field of work, and certainly not in this particular situation.
Those months by Casey's side had taught her that being patient sometimes worked but now she didn't want to, she wanted to gather Casey in her arms and rewind time.
Go back an hour ago, shut her mouth and talk to Casey about their mutual feelings calmly, in an appropriate way.
It was three weeks ago that Olivia began to see Casey differently.
She has been through half of the radio therapy sessions when her doctor had no choice than stop them for a while. In her state of utter exhaustion, she could hardly keep any food in, let alone take her medication. Not to mention the vomiting and very dry throat. No doubt that Casey was the patient with the most side effects.
Olivia butt headed with him but in the end, he agreed that it was a foreseable solution.
So she hadn't gone through any session in the last two weeks, and for the last three days, she was much stronger. Sure going to the park for more than half an hour was too much effort, but it was an improvement. Olivia dreaded the day where she would have to take her back to the hospital for the treatment.
They both knew she had to, but that didn't mean they had to be pleased with that prospect.
Three weeks ago, as she was waiting for her to wake up, she found her even more agitated than usual. Her being restless wasn't unusual, even whimpering, but real talk certainly was.
When she turned her head towards her with fierce green eyes, Olivia thought she was waking up earlier than usual, that she could drive her back home earlier. But it wasn't the case.
Casey was smiling, tears running down her cheeks, scratching the inside of the oxygen tent with her nails, trying to touch her, which was impossible.
Olivia was mirroring her geste, grazing the plastic from the outside, their fingers separated by the thick plastic of the tent.
- "I'm here Casey", she reassured her, unsure of her degree of consciousness.
- "No...no you are not but it's okay"
- "I'm right here Case"
- "No, real life Olivia wouldn't be afraid to touch me"
- "I'm not afraid to touch you. I can't because of this damn tent. I'm not a dream Casey", she explained softly.
- "Yes you are but it's okay"
- "I'm here Casey, it's me, Olivia, don't be afraid", she tried again.
- "I'm not afraid dreamy Liv, you're watching over me", she responded smiling ear to ear.
If she didn't know otherwise, Olivia would have sworn she was high on something, pupils dilated and dreamy smile.
- "Shhh Case I'm here", she repeated but she knew it was useless, Casey was stuck in her dream and nothing would pull her out of it.
- "I have a secret", she whispered, her eyes sparkling.
- "Casey…", Olivia tried to stop her, whatever she was about to tell her, she didn't want her to regret it later.
- "It's real life Olivia, you know my best friend", she whispered in hushed tone.
"She's so wonderful. I'm mesmerized by her strength, her loyalty, her dedication. She takes such great care of me, nights and days. Never complaining, always caring. But you see, she asks so little in return, in fact she asks nothing. I can't ask her more than she has already done; I have nothing to give her in return. Except my heart; but it's already hers. That's why I'm glad you are here instead of her, I can tell you what I could never tell her: I love you Olivia Benson. I know if I ever tell you how much I love you, that I'm madly in love with you, you will leave. And I couldn't take it"
Olivia Benson just sat there, mouth gaping open, deeply shocked by her young friend's confession.
The words were spoken so softly, so slowly that Olivia thought she was dreaming, she was the one not awake.
Then Casey fell back asleep but the words were burnt in Olivia's mind. They scared them beyond reason.
Scared her because she knew Casey meant each of them; there weren't just random words, it was a real declaration, trustful and honest.
Scared that it would change the situation between them. She loved Casey dearly but not in that way. She was doing such a great job in concealing her feelings, how would she react if she knew Olivia was aware of them? She'd flee no doubt about it.
And with her would a big part of Olivia's life disappear.
So she decided not to act any differently, sure she knew how Casey felt but that didn't mean she had to act towards her differently, to step back.
She although swore to force herself not to read in Casey's actions and behaviour more than she was a day before. Because she knew that if she did her behaviour would change, and Casey would feel it.
And if their closeness was Casey's main support, she couldn't refuse it to her.
But even the best plans have their weakness and her resolve didn't last long.
The next night, as she had trouble sleeping and Casey was snuggled in her arms, she realized how right it felt, how she missed Casey whenever they were apart, or when she wouldn't sleep in her arms (which happened next to never, but it did sometimes, even for a short time).
And Casey's words had kept running around her head.
That's when she knew that she had feelings for the young woman but didn't realize them until now. Until the young woman revealed her heart. Until she had to face her own.
Next to her, Casey rose from the couch and went back to her room, her walk unsteady, not looking at her.
Olivia followed her with her eyes, although she longed to reach her side and help her back to bed. But it would be useless and would do even more damage.
So she just sat on the coffee table, hands on tights, waiting, listening for every noise coming from the bedroom, hoping none would come, hoping Casey was back in bed and would fall asleep.
Then maybe in the morning they could pretend it never happened, that it was just a dream.
She reminded herself that it was real-life, it wouldn't happen.
Shrugging, she went to Casey's room, ready to sort things out with the young woman.
Reaching it, she sighed, the door was locked.
Although she pleaded Casey through it, she didn't open the door.
She ended up curled on the couch, waiting for sunrise and for that damn door to open.
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