Mergers and Acquisitions

by Touchstone67

When Edward pays for a night of harmless fun, he didn't expect to get the purchase of a lifetime. Will his nights in Seattle change his whole life in Chicago? Full length story for the second place winner in the Slash/Backslash Contest. Rated M, J/E

37. The Fork in the Yellow Brick Road

Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.

A/N- I don't know what to say about this chapter other than it's the hardest (even more than Epov) one I've ever had to write and there is a tissue warning. Oh, and if you were upset with Jasper in the last chapter, you might be really upset during this one, but those that were upset with Riley might forgive…

Thank you to everyone that has read, reviewed, and alerted this story.

This chapter is unbeta'd, any and all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise, are my own.

"**~~**"

Jpov

Opening the door, I tossed my keys on the table before slipping my jacket down my shoulders and hanging it on the coat rack next to me. Following the delicious scent, the heels of my cowboy boots clicked on the marble floor as I walked past his office and down the long hallway toward the kitchen. When I neared the living room, my eyes were automatically drawn to the dark piano sitting ominously in the corner. It was a painful reminder of everything that had been wonderful and perfect and new, but I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. Even if they all sliced through my already broken heart, every memory that haunted me whenever I saw it was welcomed.

Without looking, I could name every picture that hung on the walls. I knew every person, every location. I knew the couch was slightly more sunken on the right side than the left, and the guest bathroom's door squeaked.

Everything in house was so familiar, I knew almost everything about it, but it wasn't home.

There was music coming from the kitchen, but I didn't recognize the song. Learning against the doorway, I tilted my head and almost smiled as I watched him unnoticed while he stirred something on the stove with a wooden spoon. Dressed in dark jeans and a white polo shirt, he swayed his hips back and forth in time with the music. His longer hair skimmed the collar of his shirt as he bobbed his head with the beat. Then he began singing.

I know you wanna leave me,
But I refuse to let you go
If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy,
I don't mind coz' you mean that much to me
Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darlin'

"How was Riley?" he asked, glancing at me over his shoulder but not stopping his dancing. I should have known he knew I was there. Wordlessly, I crossed the kitchen and made my way around the granite island in the middle until I was right behind him. Putting my hands on his hips, I placed my forehead on his shoulder. His movements slowed, but never ceased, as I began to sway with him.

"He's good. He was ranting about the steps again," I answered into his back.

"Yeah, I remember Nick doing those. I didn't have much contact with him when he was in rehab, barely any actually, but when he reached step eight, he called me out of the blue one night and asked for my forgiveness for everything he'd done to me and us. It was a hard conversation."

"How come?"

"Because I'd already forgiven him. It was the drugs that had made him do that shit, not him. I knew he'd loved me. If it hadn't been for the drugs, then…well, who knows what would have happened with us."

"Did you tell him that?"

"No. I just told him I forgave him and he was able to accept it and move on. Is Riley at that step yet?"

"Not yet. Not sure he will make it past number three. Given his upbringing and his past, he has issues with the mention of God in them."

Peter chuckled. "He'll get there, babe. Hang in there. He's doing well."

Sighing, I lifted my head and put my chin on his shoulder. Riley was doing well because of Peter. While Riley had made the decision to enter rehab, I had been at a loss as to how to get him into one. It had taken a few days after Edward had left before I was able to function well enough to call Peter and ask him for the help I desperately needed.

I didn't call him to have him pay for it, I had called because I didn't know the good rehabs from the bad ones, and knowing Nick had attended one in Seattle, I thought Peter might have a suggestion. He gave me the name of the one Nick had used and I checked it out online. It was beautiful, much nicer than the others I'd looked at.

Then I saw the price.

Closing the browser, I went to bed with Riley wrapped around me and cried myself to sleep. There was no way I could afford it, not after all the money I'd already spent paying James. There was several thousand dollars sitting on my wrist in the form of crystal, silver, and emerald, but I couldn't even bring myself to take it off, much less sell it. Like my promise to Riley, I'd made one to Edward. I'd vowed to never take it off and I intended to keep that promise. Prepared to do whatever it took, I had no choice but to start hooking on the streets again. It was the quickest way to get money. Even with the extra clients I'd requested from Tanya, it was going to be a little over two months before I had enough money for rehab.

For two months I was going to have to hold Riley captive in my apartment. I'd already asked Peter to watch him while I worked, but I couldn't ask him to do it for the next eight weeks. The guy had his own life. Needing advice, I called Peter the next day, hoping maybe there was a part-time program I could Riley into until I could afford the real thing.

When Peter answered and heard the defeat in my voice, he told me he'd be right over. An hour later he was sitting on my couch with my laptop opened going over figures and prices. Finally, he closed it and leaned back against the couch. Riley was sitting next to me, his head on my shoulder as he watched Peter. Their eyes met and held as something happened between them. I don't know if Peter was sizing up Riley's commitment to getting clean or if Riley was preparing to devour Peter, but the air in the room shifted as they remained fixated on each other. An energy crackled as neither wavered from the weight of the other.

Sighing, Peter ran his hand through his hair and relunctantly dragged his eyes from Riley to me. "I'll pay for it."

"What? No, no, you can't—" I began to argue.

He held up his hand. "It's not up for debate. I'll pay for it, and if you feel it necessary, you can pay me back in payments. It'll be a loan."

"Like a car?" Riley asked.

"Yeah, something like that. Only no interest or scheduled payments. Just pay when you have it," Peter suggested.

Gnawing on his lip, Riley lifted his head and looked at me hopefully. "Can we do that, angel?"

Reaching up, I cupped his cheek. "Yeah, we can do that."

Relieved, he leaned forward and kissed me, then jumped off the couch and went to Peter, plopping on his lap, he turned Peter's face to him and kissed him too. It was brief, soft, but there was no mistaking the tongue that nudged between Peter's surprised lips.

Four days later I was standing in the lobby of the rehab facility with Riley clinging to me, begging me to take him home. My already broken heart was further crushed as I kissed him and pulled away, gradually breaking our contact until only the tips of our fingers were touching. His eyes were wet with fear as I stepped backwards and my hand dropped to my side. Pleading with me silently, he watched me leave him there.

Alone.

Other than watching Edward walk out of my life, it had been the hardest thing I'd ever done.

The song changed and Peter began to hum, coaxing me from my memory. "What are you cooking?" I asked, looking down into a pan of creamy sauce.

"Chicken alfredo with fettuccini and broccoli," he answered and motioned to the corner of the kitchen. "Want to pour some wine? I don't know about you, but I could use a glass."

Nodding, I released him and walked over the wine refrigerator under the counter. Opening it up, I glanced at the bottles. "The '89 Chateau Margaux or the Romanee Conti?" I asked over my shoulder. I was still new to drinking wine, and had only tried a few of them so far.

"Whichever you prefer," he smiled as he reached for the strainer hanging on the rigging above the island. Picking out the Chateau Margaux, my favorite so far, I turned and opened the top cabinet to my left and pulled out two wine glasses. Knowing my way around his kitchen came easily after so many dinners there. I poured the wine while he drained the pasta and put it on two plates.

"I hope you're hungry," he chuckled as the plates overflowed.

I wasn't really. In fact, I was rarely hungry anymore, but I ate because he made me. His meals always looked so good, but I never tasted any of them. Over the past two months, I'd grown numb to just about everything, including the taste of food. There had been a few occasions when he'd cooked something that sparked my interest or the sweet wine was more powerful than I expected, but I mostly had no interest in food.

"Is the table set?" I asked and he nodded.

"I got home early, so I did some work in the office and then started dinner." He finished pouring on the sauce and then headed into the dining room. Following him, I set his glass at the end of the table before sitting in the chair on the corner next to him. He went back into the kitchen and returned with a basket of baked rolls, still warm from the oven.

"Did you bake these too?" I asked, picking up and biting into the soft dough.

"Hell no. I got them from that bakery on Rainer, the one we went to last week. I just had to heat them up," he admitted.

It was what I loved about Peter. He was never afraid to admit who he was, whether it was to say he was too lazy to bake bread or he was gay, Peter never once hid himself to the world or me.

"So tell me about Riley? Is he getting along better with Matt?"

"No, he bitched about him today, but he said he had long talk with Carlton and I guess he's thinking about coming out."

"A talk talk or a Riley talk?" Peter raised an eyebrow. He knew Riley enough by now to know how Riley worked. He used sex as his language, as his form of communication. Riley and I both did.

"He hasn't fucked him…yet." I clarified. Riley's idea of convincing Carlton was probably to fuck to hard and make him love it so much that he'd come out just to be able to do it again.

"Key word-yet. I hoping to stop in and see him tomorrow." Peter smiled as he twirled his fork in the pasta and took a bite. Moaning as he chewed, he nodded to me. "Have some."

Having eaten with him enough to know he wouldn't let me not eat, I imitated him and twirled some pasta around my fork before stabbing a piece of chicken. It tasted hot and creamy, but I didn't get much more than that.

"Mm, really good," I complimented. I was sure it was good, I just didn't know it. Satisfied, he smiled and took another bite. We fell into an easy conversation about his work as he updated me on a few projects and issues he had. He had been having a problem with a client and was unsure how to handle them and said it helped to talk through it with me. Intently, I listened to every word he said.

"So what do you think," he asked as he pushed his plate away.

Having finished my meal long ago, I did the same thing and folded my arms on the table. "You said the scandal is from cheating on his wife, right?" When Peter nodded, I continued, "Then I think you should draw the focus away from the cheating and back to fact that he and his wife are still together and willing to work through it and stay married."

"And if he continues to cheat?"

"Tell him to fuck off, you don't need his business." Peter laughed softly. It was a pleasing sound, almost the nicest thing I'd heard in weeks. "You're good at your job, Peter, but you're not a miracle worker."

"That's true," he sighed. "I just hate to fail."

"It's not failing if the client insists on acting out. How much spin can one company put out there?" I used the words I'd picked up over the many work conversations we'd had.

Resigned, he bowed his head and sighed. "I know you're right, but it's hard to give up on someone. Know what I mean?"

Yes, I did.

I knew exactly how hard it was because I had given up on someone.

The first person I'd ever said I love you to was no longer in my life, and giving up on that possible future with him had stripped me raw. I wore a gaping wound every day and it never got easier.

"But you're right. I'll give him a warning and if he keeps it up, I'll break the contract. It's not worth it." Sipping his wine, he tilted his head and eyed me. "Have you thought more about what I suggested?"

Shaking my head, I sighed. "Not enough to make a decision yet."

Reaching out, he covered my hand. "There's no rush, you know that. Are you finished?" He motioned to my half full plate.

Nodding, I stood and helped carry the dishes to the sink. We fell in step as we worked around each other to clean the kitchen. I rinsed the dishes while he loaded them in the dishwasher. He wiped the counters while I took out the trash. We had a well rehearsed routine, a well synchronized dance with a beautiful partner.

He just wasn't the partner I wanted to be dancing with.

Once the kitchen was clean, he poured us more wine and led me into the den off the kitchen. He sat on the leather couch and patted his lap. After setting my wine on the table next to his, I lay down and put my head on his lap in the familiar position. One of his hands went to my hip while the other worked through my tangled mess of waves. Leaning forward, I picked up the remote and turned on the television to the channel he liked to watch at night. While Riley enjoyed his reality shows, Peter liked old westerns. That night it was reruns of Bonanza.

"Aren't you a little young to know about these?" I asked him.

"My dad and I used to watch them together on Sunday mornings. I got hooked."

"You can't fool me," I said as the theme song began and I felt his fingers tapping with the music. "I know about your crush on Little Joe."

"What's not to like? He was fucking hot," he chuckled.

Almost smiling, I put the remote down and relaxed on his lap as we watched the latest problem the Cartwright's had to solve. Lying there with Peter was comfortable, it was a slight salve on the opened gash that had become my life. My body yearned for his warmth and kind touch, my heart accepted it, and my mind pushed away thoughts of guilt that invaded each and every time I was near him. We watched two episodes before Peter stroked my cheek.

"Ready for bed?" he whispered, rousing me from my sleepy state.

I sat up and finished the wine before standing and helping him off the couch. We headed upstairs together, his hand in mine as we walked into his room. I undressed quietly, letting my clothes gather on the floor while Peter put his in a basket in the corner. Naked, he went into the bathroom and I heard the water running. I stood in the doorway and watched him as he bent over the counter and spit out the toothpaste before grabbing a cup and rinsing. His body was sheer perfection, tight muscles rolled under his skin and wrapped around his torso, his slim waist led to a pale ass and long legs dusted with dark hair.

When he stood and caught my reflection staring in the mirror, he turned around and my eyes traveled up his body from his limp cock hanging thick between his legs to his broad shoulders and finally to his eyes that had darkened several shades just in seconds. Finished, he grazed by me and climbed into his bed. I brushed my own teeth and turned off the light before walking to the bed and getting in, pressing my back to his chest. His arm lay heavy on my waist as he rested his fingers on the fine hair under my navel and his breath warmed my shoulder.

"G'night, babe, love you," he whispered into the dark.

"Night," I murmured before clenching my eyes shut. It was the same thing every night. He whispered how much he loved me and I tried to hold myself together at the words. It'd been that way since I'd started sleeping with him nightly, but I'd been broken long before he'd invited me into his bed.

I'd been broken since Edward had left, leaving behind an invitation we both knew I couldn't accept. Had it not been for Riley, I wasn't sure I would have survived the agony that wretched me for days. I slept, I cried, I woke up shaking only to then cry myself back to sleep. Riley's hands never left me, every time I opened my eyes he was near me offering what little he could. He apologized several times, knowing the reason I was staying in Seattle was because of him, because I'd made him a promise. Peter had taught me the importance of keeping promises to those you love. He had promised to watch over me and care for me, and even when I had told him I could never love him like that, he still saved all our lives.

After we checked Riley into rehab, Peter insisted I not be alone. He returned to my apartment with me and made me a dinner that I never ate. He held me on the couch as I cried and finally fell asleep. The next morning when I woke up with puffy eyes, I found him next to me, his arm still around me. Even in his sleep he was watching out for me. I let him sleep as I showered and drank a cup of coffee, leaving enough for him. Waking up, he stretched and thanked me for the coffee. Then we talked.

He told me what to expect from Riley's rehab, he told me about relapses and how to be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. I nodded, barely hearing anything he said until he mentioned a post-op check-up and having Riley's cast removed.

"How much will it cost?" I asked, trying to remember how much money I had in the desk.

"Don't worry about it, it's included in the cost of his care already," he replied, keeping his eyes away from mine.

"How much will that be?"

"What?"

"The hospital bills. How much will I have to pay?"

"Nothing," he answered, but when I raised a brow, he sighed. "I had them bill me."

"You what?"

"Jasper, it's not a big deal. Nothing I can't handle, and I knew you had bigger issues to deal with than a thirty thousand dollar hospital bill."

"Thirty thousand?" I swallowed. Riley was turning out to be a fucking expensive best friend.

"Don't worry about it. It's done, already paid."

"I can pay you back, you can add it to the rehab money," I offered quietly.

"No. The hospital bill was my choice. I didn't ask you about it, I just did it. If you want to pay me back for rehab, fine, but you're not paying for the hospital. I refuse to accept it."

I couldn't help it, I burst into tears again. I felt foolish and weak, but I sought his arms when he opened them to comfort me. He stayed with me that night, sleeping on my couch while I tried to sleep in my bed. It felt so fucking huge without Riley behind me, holding me together as I fell apart. Sometimes I think I needed him more than he needed me. When I habitually reached for the soft fur of Teddy, I remembered I had given him to Riley.

The night before he was leaving, I was lying on my bed holding Teddy when Riley walked in and kneeled beside me. I'd looked at myself in the mirror, I knew I looked as lost as I felt, but seeing him with his shaggy hair messed up from running his hands through it and scared eyes, I knew he was as lost as I was.

"Jasper, will you do something for me before I go?"

"Anything." Didn't he know that already?

Shyly, he looked away, focusing on my lips. "Will you make love to me? I've seen you do it with Edward. Even when you fuck him, it's love. I want that. I don't think I'll ever have it with anyone else and I want to know what it's like."

Riley might have been a whore, he might have never been treated well by anyone, he might not have been in love, but there was no doubt he knew it existed even if he claimed otherwise. He had recognized it in Edward and me. Even when our sex had been primal and raw, Riley had seen the love in every touch and grunt.

How could I refuse to show him that? How could I look into his innocent brown eyes that had seen more horrific things in four years than some do in a lifetime and tell him no? Riley deserved to be loved, he deserved to have his body worshipped, and I was willing to be the one that showed him how much he deserved love.

If I thought about it, I would say that Riley and I had already made love. There had been a few times our sex had turned into something above and beyond what we expected. Sometimes it was a good hard fuck with dirty words, and sometimes it was slow and sensual and we just enjoyed the feeling of being close with someone. But all those times had been before I had told Riley I loved him. Now he wanted to experience making love with those words hanging in the air around us.

I couldn't deny him that. I couldn't deny him anything.

"C'mere," I whispered, tugging him to me.

I had intended to go slow and gentle, taking the time to explore and taste with our hands and lips, but the second our lips met, the chemistry between us flared and our actions became frenzied. Tongues burrowed into mouths, hands yanked at clothing until we were in only our underwear, lips nipped and sucked on sensitive skin. When our cocks pressed together through thin cotton, Riley lifted his head and looked down at me. I saw his longer hair and not Edward's copper, I saw brown eyes instead of emerald. Riley kissed my damp cheeks before moving his lips to my ear.

"Make love to me, angel," he whispered. "Not him. Me."

My breath hitched. I should have known Riley would have sensed my internal struggle. I nodded and he brushed his cheek along mine, bringing his lips back to mine in a rough kiss. I felt the scruff on his the curve of his jaw, the ends of his soft hair brushing along my skin and tasted the unique flavor that only belonged to my whore.

"Riley," I moaned reverently, tilting my head to give him more room to suck on my neck. I watched as he moved down my body, pulling my briefs with him and exposing my erection. Lavishing my cock and balls with his nose and tongue and mouth, he took his time, letting me know just how important this was to him. This wasn't just sex to him anymore. He was one skilled boy, and my body reacted just as it should. I trembled and reached for his hair, fisting it as my hips tried to thrust up into his mouth.

"Need you. So fucking bad."

"You got me, angel," he replied as he slid my briefs down my legs and off my feet. Once naked, he parted my legs further and sank my cock into the wet heat of his mouth. When he released it, he buried his face in my ass, teasing my hole with his tongue before dipping it in.

"Fuck," I moaned, closing my eyes.

I didn't realize I had lifted my legs until I felt his hands on mine while he tongue fucked me. Suddenly, my legs were back on the bed and Riley's mouth was on mine in a lingering, tender kiss. I pushed his briefs down over his ass as moved on me, his body completely covering mine. The need inside me grew to unbearable amounts and I writhed under him. Grinding his hips, he rubbed our slick cocks together as I buried my fingers in his hair. It felt incredible, the passion between us as intense as ever before. After so many times together, our bodies naturally and easily fell in sync with each other.

He knew what I needed before I even asked.

"Will you top me?" I begged as his lips brushed over mine in a heated kiss.

It wouldn't be the first time he topped me, there had been a few times in the past I'd wanted him in me, I wanted him to take care of him.

Moaning, he deepened the kiss and pulled off his underwear with one hand. Just when I didn't think I could take much more, he broke the kiss and reached for the lube. I watched as he poured it on his fingers and pushed one into my eager entrance. My back arched off the bed and I released a loud groan. Encouraged, he pushed deeper, grazing the spot inside me that made my body shudder and cock pulse. He knew my body well and quickly brought me to the edge by repeatedly grazing a finger over my gland. I pushed down on his hand until he added a second finger, twisting them in me. Gripping the blanket under me, I squirmed and thrashed, needing so much more than a few fingers.

"Please, I need you," I begged, opening my eyes to look at him.

Silently he reached for the condom and opened it, but I took it from his hand before he could put it on. I tugged it down his length and then pulled on him until he was lying on me again. We kissed and groped and I rolled us so I was on top.

"Fuck, angel. Need to be in you."

Straddling him, I lifted my hips and grabbed the base of his cock, slowly lowering myself onto him. Once the head of his erection pushed inside me, I stilled and took a few breaths before continuing to slide further down. I knew it killed Riley to wait for me when all he wanted to do was thrust, but with a clenched jaw, he maintained control. Completely sheathing him, I took his good hand in mine and pulled him until he was sitting upright with me in his lap. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him and began circling my hips, grinding my ass on him until he looked like he was going to pass out.

In tight, measured movements, I rode him, rocking my hips gently. Our tongues met in a fury of need while our bodies languidly moved together as if we had all the time in the world. When we were too breathless to kiss, we just stared at each other. I didn't hide anything with Riley, I never had. He'd seen me at my worst and my best, and he accepted it all. No matter who came and went from my life, no one would ever know me or understand me like Riley did.

Precum ran down my cock as Riley reached down and gripped my erection, stroking me in time with the circles of my hips.

"Feels so good," I sighed.

And it did. The pleasure he was giving me filled the emptiness inside me, soothing the ache and lifting the sorrow I carried around. Maybe it was wrong, but it felt right. Riley and I felt right. Different, but right.

Time passed and my body began to shake in my effort to hold off my orgasm, but his touch was too skilled and I felt my balls drawing up tight.

"That's it, angel," he murmured. "Come for me."

Not more than a few pumps later, I came. My body gave way to the bliss of a climax, letting it course through me. Long streams of milky cum landed on us as I clung to him, fisting his hair, my forehead on his.

"Take me," I breathed, my climax still ebbing in me.

Holding my ass with his hands, he moved to his knees, giving him leverage. Locking my legs around his waist, I held him as he began to thrust up into me, striking deeper with each one. With my forehead still on his, I watched his face as he got closer to falling into the euphoria with me. His eyes filled with lust and love right before he clamped them shut and came. As he emptied his seed into the condom, I never stopped moving my hips, enticing his climax to last as long as possible. Our lips met in a gentle, sweet kiss.

"Thank you for showing me what it was like," he whispered in a shaky voice.

"Rile, someday you're going to find someone to make love to you all the time, and they will be the luckiest person in the world."

"I love you," he murmured into the kiss.

"I love you too," I breathed softly.

So, so much I loved him. Enough to give up my future.

We remained like that, his half hard cock in me as we kissed and held until I finally eased off him and cleaned us both up. Lying in bed, we faced each other.

"I'm scared," he confessed.

"I know. Me too. Do you want to bring Teddy?" Teddy was the only thing I could think to offer him that might help.

"Will you be okay without him?"

No.

But as much as it helped to hold the furry bear, it hurt too. He was a constant reminder of Edward and what we'd had. Regardless, I wasn't facing the life changing event that Riley was, he needed the support more than I did.

"You need him more."

Grabbing Teddy, Riley shoved him between us so he was trapped between our cocks. "I want him to smell like you," he shrugged, but then turned serious. "What if I can't do it?"

"You can."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you're Riley, and Riley can do anything," I tried to smile. "Because you're the strongest person I know. At fifteen you were smart enough to find a way to survive. You've faced a lot of shit out there, and you're still here."

"I survived because of you," he sighed.

"You survived because you're smart. You were out there for two years before I came along. I only kept you company."

"We had fun, didn't we?"

"Yeah, we did."

He was quiet for a minute while my fingers traced every inch of his face. The bruises were long gone, revealing the beautiful boy I knew so well.

"Jasper?" I waited for him to continue. "Are you going to go to Edward?"

There was a hesitancy in his voice, as if he was afraid of the answer. Every part of me wanted to scream YES, but instead, I closed my eyes to hold off the tears. One slipped out as I shook my head. "I'm not leaving you," I vowed.

"Maybe when I get out of rehab, we can go see him together?" he suggested hopefully.

It would never happen. Edward and I were done. I had made my choice and he had accepted it. It hurt like a motherfucker, but it was over.

"Yeah, maybe," I lied.

For the remainder of the night, I held him to me, kissed his lips and whispered how much I loved him. Even when his body trembled in fear and he clung to me, he tried to smile. He was the bravest person I knew, and if anyone could overcome addiction, it would be my whore.

Back in my bed, alone without even my bear to keep me company, I cried myself to sleep once again.

Peter took the next day off and also called the service and reserved me for the next two nights. With the exception of running back to his house for a change of clothes, he stayed at my place, watching me from a distance until I went to him. He let me define how close I wanted to be, if I wanted to be held. When Thursday arrived, Peter finally went back to work and so did I. From the back of the car, I told Aro about Riley when he asked why I looked so tired.

"And Mr. Cullen, how is he?" he asked, glancing at me in the mirror. Immediately, I looked away and shrugged my shoulders. I couldn't even bring myself to say his name.

For two weeks I did the same thing day after day. To anyone on the outside my life might have looked normal, but it wasn't. I was just going through the motions. I would sleep all day and then get up, shower, and get ready for my clients. Then I would numbly go downstairs, climb into the car and Aro would drive me to the clients where I would get out, go inside, get fucked, come, and leave. I couldn't even tell one dick from another. I counted on my body to respond appropriately while my mind wandered someplace else. At first, it worked. I was able to imagine Edward above me, behind me, or in me, and the clients were pleased when I did exactly as I should. But I gradually began to fail myself. There were a few times I couldn't get hard, another time when it took me forever to suck a guy off. I hadn't been that bad even when I was living on the streets.

Each night I would go home and crawl into bed, reaching out to the empty spot next to me in a constant hope to find warm flesh.

I never did.

Instead, I would sigh and stare at nothing until eventually I fell into a sleep plagued with nightmares. Although they weren't of Ian or the Home, they were of Edward turning and walking away from me. I would bolt upright in bed, gasping for breath and wiping the sweat from my forehead. The nightmare of Edward leaving me over and over again was so much worse than being raped. Peter called me daily, offering to come over every time, take me out to dinner or swing by to check on me. I always refused, telling him he'd done enough for me. I couldn't ask him to do anything more.

The only bright spots in my life were when I was able to visit Riley, to see him and touch him.

Lying in bed with Peter's strong, warm body behind me, I glanced around the room, seeing traces of me all over it, from clothes on the floor to the extra glass of water and my cell phone sitting on the nightstand. At first I'd stayed in my own room across the hall, but every night I woke up from a nightmare, and being weak, I was unable to resist climbing into his bed, hoping his arms would stave off any future bad dreams. It didn't take long before I gave up even trying to sleep alone and just went to bed with him each night. We slept nude, but we never had sex. It was simply the comfort of another human caring about me.

He shifted behind me, his sleepy sigh warming my back as he pulled me even tighter in his slumber. Reaching down, I covered his hand with mine and thought about how I had ended up in bed, in his home.

About three weeks after Riley had been admitted into rehab, I was at home during the day when there was a knock on my door. Not expecting anyone, I was leery about answering, but I did and found a delivery person with a package from the Service. After thanking him, I sat down and opened it. There was a note from Tanya.

Wear this tonight.

Sighing, I pulled out the bag inside to find a short green and black plaid skirt, a black garter belt with thigh highs, and a white button down shirt. Throwing them on the table, I picked up my phone.

"No fucking way. I'm not wearing women's clothing," I said as soon as she picked up.

"Jasper, calm down. It's just for an hour, and it's not on your list of limits," she explained.

"I didn't think I had to specify that I don't wear women's clothes. I'm not a drag queen," I spat.

"I understand that, but this is the client's request, not mine. It's too late to cancel. If you don't want to do it again, I will let the client know, but for tonight, you have to," she explained calmly.

I was so tempted to tell her to take her clients and shove them up her ass, but I couldn't. She'd gotten me off the streets and provided me with a great place to live. Besides, I needed the money now more than ever.

"Fine," I sighed. "But I'm not doing it again. Ever."

"I'll make note of it," she said. "I'll talk to you later. Bye, Jasper."

I hung up, not needing to look at my schedule to know who I had that night. There was only one client perverted enough to make me dress up in a skirt.

Aro pulled up in front of Mr. Jones's place and opened my door, keeping his mouth shut as I got out and wrapped my coat around me even though it was plenty warm enough to go without it. My black stocking legs stuck out from the bottom of the long coat as I walked up to the house and rang the bell. Mr. Jones answered dressed in a tight fitting dark suit and tie. Not saying a word, he opened the door and let me in, closing it behind me. I took off my coat and left it on the railing of the stairs. When I turned around he was staring at me with drool practically running down his chin as he looked at my white shirt and plaid skirt.

"Put these on," he said, shoving a pair of black heels at me. Glaring at him, I toed off my shoes and stuffed my feet into the heels. "Follow me."

Clumsily, I trailed behind him as he led me into his office where he sat behind his desk and motioned for me to sit in the chair in front of it.

"Keep your legs spread," he instructed as his eyes fell to my naked crotch. Letting my legs fall apart, I listened to him moan. "Yeah, just like that."

Then he went into some scenario that was only in his head. He told me some story about how Jazzy had been a bad girl by fucking the football team in the locker room. Then he pushed his chair back from the desk and waved me over. Getting up, I walked around the desk to him and he grabbed my wrist, yanking me forward and down in one motion. I landed across his lap, my bare ass sticking out from the skirt as he rubbed his hand over it.

"Tell me, has my Jazzy been a bad girl?" His hand disappeared from my ass only to land on it with a loud smack. My body jolted forward from the impact. "Tell daddy how bad you've been."

More humiliated than ever before, I let a few tears fall before I stopped them and managed to say, "Daddy, I've been a bad, bad girl."

Another smack. His hands ran up and down my thighs and calves, occasionally spanking me. Suddenly, he pushed me off him and reached for a drawer. He pulled out a bottle of lube and handed it to me.

"On the desk, finger fuck yourself," he instructed. Silently, I did as he said. Placing my ass on the desk in front of him, I lifted one heeled foot to the desk and poured lube on two fingers before easing them into myself. He watched my hand intently as he undid his pants and eased his dick out. I could barely see the thing under his roll of belly fat. "That's it, just like that. Show daddy your hard cock."

I couldn't. My cock was anything but hard. But I lifted my shirt and showed him my flaccid dick as it swayed with the motion of my hand. He began to stroke himself and I was grateful I didn't have to suck his cock because I hated the way he tasted, but then I panicked when he opened the drawer again and pulled out a condom.

No. Fuck no.

Pausing his strokes, he ripped the condom wrapper open and then pulled it on his dick.

In the countless times I'd been to his place, we'd never had sex. There had been many bjs and handjobs, some jerking off, a lot of dressing up and fucked up role play, but never once had either of our dicks entered the other.

"Stand up and turn around so daddy can show you how to be a good girl again," he panted.

I wanted to tell him to fuck off. I wanted to leave and never go back, but I couldn't. It was my job, it was what I did. I was a worthless whore and nothing more. What was one more dick up my ass anyway?

Obeying, I got off the desk and turned around, shuddering when his hands lifted my skirt and exposed my ass. He spanked it a few times before he stood up behind me. While my hands clutched the edge of the desk, he thrust into me. There was some pain, but his dick was so small I barely felt it in me, but I felt his hips as they slapped my ass every time he pushed forward.

Keeping my head bowed and my eyes closed, I pretended I wasn't being fucking by an overweight bald man with the world's smallest dick. With each grunt he released, a tear fell from my eyes and dropped onto the papers on the desk. His hands ran up my spine under the shirt and I felt dirtier than ever. It was worse than being raped by Ian because I was willing let this guy fuck me and do disgusting things to me.

"Jazzy is so tight for her daddy," he groaned right before he came.

He had barely pulled out of me before I was kicking off the heels and walking out of the room. I heard him fall back into the chair, gasping for breath. Refusing to let him see the tears on my face, I grabbed my coat and shoes and walked out of the door, knowing he wouldn't follow me. I strode across the manicured lawn in my stocking feet to the car. Aro jumped out when he saw me and opened the door. I climbed in and tossed my shoes on the floor. Closing the door behind me, Aro got in the front and started the car. Even though I was sure he saw my wet cheeks in the mirror, he never commented on them.

"Home, sir?"

I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be fucked by random strangers when all I wanted to do was die. For over eight years, I'd been used by others. It was all I'd known, all I knew how to do. I was useless. Worthless.

Blinking away more tears, I shook my head. "Bring me to Peter's please."

"Mr. Carlson's?" he asked, surprised. Looking out the window, I nodded.

The night lights passed by outside the car, but I didn't notice any of them until Aro shifted into park. "We're here."

Not having the strength to do it myself, I waited for him to open my door and I got out. "Can you stay for a few minutes? Just in case he's not here?"

"Of course, Jasper," Aro said kindly. Brushing by him, I walked up the steps to Peter's house, thankful the outside light wasn't on. After I knocked, I began trembling uncontrollably.

"Please," I mumbled to no one. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Aro waiting by the car and watching me. Just as I went to knock again, the door swung open.

"Jasper?" Peter asked as he stepped out onto the porch. "What the…" He looked me up and down, my half button shirt, short skirt, and the black nylons covering my legs. His eyes then went to Aro behind me. "I got him. Thanks, Aro." I don't know if Aro replied or even left, because then I was swept into Peter's embrace as he hugged me. "You okay, babe?" he whispered into my ear and I shook my head.

I was most definitely not okay.

Still in his arms, he led me inside and closed the door. "Go take a shower, I'll get you some clothes."

I went to the guest bathroom and turned on the shower. Practically ripping the clothes off me, I stripped and got in. The scalding water sprayed down on me for nearly an hour and it still wasn't enough to make me feel clean. Lathering up, I scrubbed every inch of skin until I was raw and bleeding in a few places. No matter what I did, I could still smell every person that had ever fucked me on my flesh. Their breath, their perfume, cologne, and body odor hung in the air I breathed. It had all seeped into my body, coating my cells and flowing in my blood. I was dirty on the inside as well as the outside, and nothing I did would ever get me clean. I never heard him come in but when I got out, the clothes I had taken off were gone and there was a tee shirt and gray cotton pants in their place. After I dried off, I looked through the medicine chest for mouthwash, relieved when I found some. Opening it, I poured a large gulp into my mouth and swished it around. Convinced, I couldn't get any cleaner right then, I spit it out and got dressed.

Peter was waiting for me on the leather couch. He looked up when I entered and opened his arms. I fell into them, letting him cocoon me in his warmth. Sitting on his lap, I rested my head on his shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked again and that time I nodded.

I was at least better than I had been. But for how long? Until the next night when I was fucked again by some stranger leaving his stench all over me.

"Want to talk about it?"

"I don't want to be fucked by all those men anymore," I whispered, barely audible. "I'm tired of it."

Sighing, he kissed my temple. "Quit."

"I need the money," I sighed sadly. "Besides, it's who I am. I'm a whore. It's all I know."

His fingers were under my chin and he lifted my head and forced my eyes to his. "You are not a whore, Jasper."

"I am. I always have been. Even before the streets, I let myself get fucked. It's what I was made for." His eyes narrowed and his lips pursed as he held back the rage I felt building in him. Not at me, but at the words I was saying.

"Then quit and come live here with me." It was an honest offer, and one I knew could easily come true with just one word. I had no doubt Peter would care for me, give me everything I'd ever desired.

All except one thing.

But as much as I was a whore, I was also independent. I didn't like handouts or begging. The times I'd done it on the streets, I'd hated it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't take advantage of him anymore than I already had.

"I can't," I replied, averting my eyes.

"Yes, you can. Let me take care of you. It's okay to let someone take care of you, Jasper. There's no shame in that." he implored.

"I can't live off you," I countered weakly. "You've already done too much for me."

"Because I wanted to," he countered before giving in. "Fine, then come to work for me. You will make your own money and you can help with bills."

I almost smiled at his generous offer. "You're the sweetest man I've ever met, but I have no skill except fucking. I highly doubt you have a department for that."

"No, I don't, but I do have a few positions that you can do. If you're saying no because you don't want to live here, I understand. I will pay you what you make now so you can keep an apartment."

"You're willing to pay me two hundred and fifty dollars an hour? That's crazy."

"Babe, if it got you out of your work, I'd pay you triple that." When I didn't reply, he spoke again. "Jasper, you're miserable. I don't know the details, but I suspect it's something more than just Riley leaving." Swallowing, I looked away, my eyes falling to a spot on the carpet. "Did Edward hurt you?"

"No," I lied. At least not in the way he was thinking.

"Did you break up?" he choked out, afraid of hearing the answer as much as I was saying it.

Slowly, I brought my eyes back to his and nodded slightly. Then I lost it, the tears steadily rolled down my cheeks as my breaths became shallow. Enveloped in his arms, he pulled me tighter and buried my head in the crook of his neck.

"Aw fuck, babe. I'm sorry."

I have no idea how long I sat there, how long he held me, but I eventually stopped shaking and the tears had long dried on my cheeks. Relaxed and exhausted, I let him hold me and took from him the strength he silently emitted. Closing my eyes, I thought about his offer to work for him. It scared me, doing something other than fucking. I was clueless and stupid, I hadn't even graduated high school.

"Let's get you into bed," he said, nudging me. I got up and let him lead me to his bedroom. He was already in a tee shirt and flannel pants so he just folded the blankets down and got in, patting the bed in front of him. He pressed my back to his chest and kissed my shoulder. "Get some sleep."

I tried, I really tried, but every fucking time I closed my eyes, I saw stranger upon stranger leering at me as they watched me while I jerked off. It was hours later before I finally succumbed to sleep.

I was naked and bent over a bench with my wrists and ankles tied to the legs. Struggling against the bindings, I looked over my shoulder when I heard a chuckle. Behind me for as far as I could see, was a line of men waiting for their turn to fuck me. Each one had their dicks out, stroking themselves as they watched the guy before them take me. I pulled and screamed but it did no good, each one took their time with me, their cocks bare as the brutally thrust into me. Looking at the floor, I fell limp when I saw all the feet of those standing around and cheering on the guys behind them.

I bolted upright in the bed, my chest heaving for breath as I looked around the unfamiliar room. It wasn't until Peter shifted next to me that I realized where I was.

I was safe.

And I could stay that way if I just said yes to him. He would make sure that the nightmare I'd had didn't ever come true. Decision made, I spent the rest of the night with my eyes wide open, watching him sleep peacefully. He woke up before his alarm went off and he gave me a sleepy smile as he yawned.

Before he could ask if I was okay or if I'd slept, I bit my lip and exhaled. "I'll do it."

Confused, his brows furrowed and he propped himself up onto his elbow. "Do?"

"I want to work for you."

He couldn't contain his smile. "I'll get things going this morning."

I nodded and looked down to where his hand held mine. I hadn't even felt him take it. "There's something else."

"Anything," he whispered huskily.

"I want to live here with you. I don't want to be alone," I murmured, dragging my gaze up his arm and shoulder to his eyes. They were clear and bright and full of love.

"You aren't, babe, you aren't," he said before brushing his lips over mine. "You'll never alone again."

I let him kiss me, I let him hold me. Reveling in the security he gave me, I wrapped myself around him.

A few hours later, Peter was in his office sitting behind his desk while I sat in the chair in front of it. He was on the phone, writing things down and nodding as someone spoke to him.

"That'll be great. Thank you, Stephanie. I appreciate your help," he said into the phone. "Thank you again, goodbye." Hanging up, he rubbed his hands down his face. He'd been on the phone with several different people for over an hour. "Who knew this would be so difficult?"

"Did they find it?"

"Yes. It turns out you were born in Sealy, not Houston. They found the birth certificate and are sending an official copy via overnight service. They didn't want to mail it. I thought we were going to have to fly down there and pick it up ourselves, but they finally gave in."

"Sealy?"

"Yep. A small town about an hour west of Houston."

I looked at notes he'd taken and then to his caring eyes. "When?"

Without glancing down at the paper, he said, "May 24th, 1990. You're going to be twenty-one in a few days."

After all these years, I finally knew my actual birthday. Not that I would celebrate it then. To me, March 30th had become my birthday, but for legal reasons it would remain May 24th.

"Austin, huh?" He smiled knowingly.

"Yeah. They told me it was after my granddaddy, but I never met the guy so I don't know."

"Well, it sounds very nice, Jasper Austin Whitlock," he smiled. "Now that we've got the birth certificate coming, do you want me to get the release papers from the orphanage?"

"Do I need them?"

"I can't think of any reason why you would, except…"

"What?"

"Where did you go to high school?"

"MacArthur High." It'd been years since I'd said that name, or even thought about my four years there.

"And you left before you graduated?"

"Yeah. I turned eighteen before the school year was over. The home kicked me out, so I left."

The tiny muscles in Peter's jaw clenched as he looked down at the notes. "We're going to need to get you a GED."

"What's that?"

"It's a General Equivalency Diploma. If you don't graduate high school, you can take a GED test and get your diploma that way."

"A test?"

"Yes," he said absently as he began to type on the keyboard. "It looks like there's a test in two weeks at Seattle Central Community College. That should be good for you."

"Peter," I swallowed. "I don't think I can take a test. I wasn't very good in school."

"Bullshit. Jasper, you're smart. I bet you got great grades. Thing is, we might need your transcript from MacArthur." He seemed like he was talking more to himself than me. A few minutes later, he was on the phone again, speaking so confidently I don't know how anyone could tell him no. And apparently, they didn't, because he had a satisfied smile on his face as he stood and went to machine behind him. It beeped a few times and then spit out a piece of paper.

"Yes, I received it. And you will send the official one out tomorrow?" He paused and glanced at me. "Great, thank you for your help." Hanging up, he slid the paper across his desk to me. "I was right."

Picking up the paper, I saw four years of my past in print. My former teachers, all my absences, discipline issues, and grades. All A's and B's.

"Jasper, you're GPA was 3.25, that's really good."

"It is?"

Laughing, he nodded. "Yeah, babe. The GED will be a breeze for you."

"But this was three years ago."

"We'll review before the test."

There was an ache in the pit of my stomach. In the span of twelve hours, I was going to quit my job, the only thing I knew how to do, move in to Peter's and work for him, and had paperwork of my existence in front of me.

"You okay?"

Exhaling, I nodded. "It's just a lot to take in."

"You can do this, Jasper. I know you can." I tried to give him a smile, but I failed. Instead, I stared at the transcript I held and remembered things I really wanted to forget. "Are you ready to call her?"

Nodding, I set the paper down. "But what about my stuff?"

"You said the furniture and everything belongs to the Service?"

"Yeah, all of it. Most of the clothes were paid for on the company card, the phone, laptop, are all the Service. The only things there that are mine is some stuff in my bedroom and the piano."

"Was that for Riley?"

"Riley?"

He looked at me strangely, but then said, "Do you want it here? I've got room."

Tugging on my lip, I debated silently. Other than the watch, the piano was the last thing I had to remind me of Edward, but I could never look at it without remembering making love to him on it or seeing him sitting at it. It would be salt on my wound every time I saw it.

"Yes," I answered.

"Consider it done. I'll call movers for it. You and I can go get your stuff out of there right now."

"What about work? I probably have a client tonight," I mumbled.

"Yeah, me. I called Tanya and reserved you for the night. You can call and talk to her tomorrow after we've done all this, okay?"

"Peter, I don't know ab-"

He reached across the desk and covered my hand. "If you change your mind and don't want to live here, we will find another place for you. But Jasper, please, let me do this for you. Let me help you."

"Because you help the people you love…" I quoted the line he always told me.

"Exactly. Just like you're doing for Riley."

Just like Edward had done for me.

Several hours later, we were back at his place, the things from my apartment sitting in the spare bedroom. We'd cleaned out my kitchen and bathroom. He helped me pack my things into a few boxes, teasing me when he saw the toys I had stashed in my drawer. He seemed kind of sad when I told him they were for the Service. I took out my money out of the desk and stuffed it in my pocket.

"No bank account?"

"I don't know how to do that," I answered. I left the laptop and cell phone sitting on the table, locked the door and walked out. Peter had arranged for the piano movers for the next day.

I was putting the few clothes I had away in the dresser when Peter walked in. "You doing okay?"

No.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." He came over and looked at the small box of clothes on the bed. "Why don't you leave those. Come with me."

Tossing the pants down, I followed him out of the room and to his car. "Where are we going?"

"You need things. A few pairs of jeans and a tee shirt isn't going to cut it."

He drove us to a few stores where I picked out more jeans, tee shirts, some pajamas, socks and underwear. Then he brought to me his favorite men's store where they waited on me like I owned the biggest building in Seattle. I tried on suit after suit while they measured me and tailored each one to fit perfectly. They were all the designer names I'd come familiar with. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I wondered what had happened to the street whore. In just a few days, I was becoming a different person.

A real person. With a real job, and soon, a real diploma.

A real life.

Was it even possible for someone like me to have a life like Peter or Edward? Could you take the whore off the streets and dress him up and pretend he was an actual person?

Peter moved behind me, catching my eyes in the reflection of the mirror. "You look incredible." I glanced down at the man pinning up my pants and saw his smile.

"Thanks," I said quietly.

After the jackets and pants were measured, we picked out a few dozen shirts and ties and dress shoes. I never saw Peter pay, but I saw him sign a few things before we left. He stuffed the bags in the back of his Mercedes and then took me out to dinner. We sat in a booth and talked, mostly about his work, never about what we were doing. When he ordered a beer, he smiled at me and said that in only a few days, I could order a beer myself.

That night, I got dressed in my new pajama pants and got into a strange bed. Staring at the ceiling, I fought sleep, knowing when it came, it would only bring the nightmares I wanted to avoid.

The next few days were a mixture of relief and anxiousness, both of which competed with the grief I already had in me. My birth certificate arrived via overnight service and I opened it with Peter standing next to me. For the first time since I had left my home when I was eleven, I saw my parents' names in print.

Samuel and Maria Whitlock.

Exhaling the breath I'd been holding, I felt a little lightheaded as I scanned the document.

"Six pounds. You were a small baby," Peter said looking over my shoulder. His arm had already snuck around my waist to support me. "Do you remember them?"

"Unfortunately," I sighed.

"Do you want me to track them down? I can hire a private investigator," he offered, but I was shaking my head before he finished.

"No. I don't want to know. They aren't my family anymore."

He kissed my cheek. "You know I love you, right?" Sighing, I nodded and closed my eyes.

A few hours later, while Peter sat next to me and held my hand, I called Tanya and told her I was quitting. She took the news well, tempting me to stay with the offer of a raise, but I refused and thanked her for all her help. She said I could have the apartment until the end of the month, which would give us a week to get the piano out. Then she told me to come in for my last paycheck and I said I'd be by in a few hours. Peter drove me to the Service and waited while I went inside and got my money. Tanya thanked me for being such a popular escort, kissed my cheek and wished me the best. She also said I was welcome back anytime. Relieved, I left and Peter took me to a bookstore and bought me a book on studying for the GED.

I spent my nights reading and taking practices tests. Peter quizzed me while he cooked and we ate dinner, then he would watch his westerns while I laid my head in his lap and studied even more. A few days after I'd moved in, Peter was cooking breakfast when I entered the kitchen. He turned when he heard me.

"Happy birthday, babe," he said, kissing my cheek.

It was officially my birthday.

He handed me breakfast and I sat on a stool at the island. "So what do you want to do today?"

"Don't you have to work?" I asked, pushing my food around.

"I took the day off. I want to spend it with you. What do you want to do?"

Shrugging, I looked down at my plate. He sighed and came over to me, kissing my temple. "Babe, I hate seeing you so sad all the time. Come on, let's do something fun. What do you like to do?"

I remembered celebrating my birthday with Edward at the batting cages. "I like baseball."

"Baseball it is."

A few hours later, I was having my first legal beer while sitting under the rare Seattle sun in box seats at Safeco Field watching a Mariners game. Peter's body felt warm and solid next to me, and I didn't mind when his hand ended up on my lap. We cheered the team on, sang songs during the seventh inning stretch, and even did the wave, although Peter had to explain to me what it was. He laughed and I tried. He ordered us hot dogs and cotton candy from the wait staff that serviced the season seats he had. The sun shined down on us and I felt…warm, safe, and loved.

And completely miserable.

After the game, Peter took me out to dinner before going back to his house.

"I'm going to take a bath," I told him as we walked in from the garage.

"I'll see you in the morning," he said softly with a kiss to my cheek. "I know it wasn't me you wanted to spend your birthday with, but I hope you had some fun."

If it was possible for my heart to break anymore than it already had, it did just then. The guilt that I carried daily swelled painfully and my chest ached from the pressure. All Peter had ever done was be everything I needed, everything I wanted. He was perfect and there, and yet, I was still hoping to be in the arms of another.

I knew little about love, or the aftermath of it, but I knew people eventually moved on. I had made Edward promise me he would remember me when he fell in love again, because I knew he would. It might be months or years away, but he would love another. Could I do the same?

"Peter?" I reached for his wrist as he went to walk by me. "Take a bath with me?"

His eyes narrowed as he searched mine, looking for what might persuade him to join me or not. I kept much of Edward and the ache I wore daily veiled, but I knew he could still see it. But perhaps he saw beyond that, perhaps he saw the love I also had for him, regardless of how it was born, it was there. He must have found what he needed, because he nodded and let me take his hand and lead him up to his master bathroom. We undressed while the tub filled with hot water and suds and then he climbed in first and made room for me to sit between his legs. I settled against him and sighed when he began washing me. It wasn't sexual, it was caring and tender and exactly what I needed.

He was completely silent as he continued to bath me, letting me rest against him when he finished. The warm water surrounding me and his strong body behind me lulled me into a drowsy state and my eyes drifted closed. I have no idea how long we sat there like that, but when he shook me, my head had turned to the side.

"Babe, let's get you into bed," he said, nuzzling my damp hair with his nose and nudging my side with his knee. Lazily, I climbed out of the tub and grabbed towels for us. We dried off in silence and then I wrapped mine around my hips. Before I left the room, I pulled him to me and brushed my lips across his.

"Thank you for a wonderful birthday," I whispered into the small space between us. "Thank you for everything you've done. I don't know where I'd be with you."

"You're welcome, Jasper. Night, love you."

"Night, Peter," I sighed before releasing his hand and going to my room. I didn't even bother to get dressed, I just let the towel fall to the floor and crawled into bed, my eyes closing the second my head hit the pillow.

The crowd was huge, people were everywhere. Some were walking slowly, others were almost running in the mad dash to make a connecting flight. As soon as I had stepped off the plane, I could smell the airport restaurants and coffee shops. I glanced around for Edward, but there were so many people I didn't see him right away.

Suddenly, the crowd increased and passengers bumped into me as they moved past me.

"Edward," I called out, feeling lost and alone even though I was surrounded by people. Using my height to my advantage, I stood on my toes and scanned the heads for copper hair, but saw none. "Edward Cullen!"

Nothing. No one turned around, Edward didn't speak up. The crowd thickened and I began to panic. Maybe I was at the wrong gate, maybe I'd been on the wrong flight. Frantic, I began looking around for someone in a uniform but all I found were more and more passengers.

Then I heard something. It was quiet, but clear above the mumblings of the crowd.

"I can't believe he didn't come. I thought he loved me," the voice said softly. It was Edward, I knew it was him. Encouraged, I searched for him, constantly calling out his name. Finally I spotted him at the very edge of the crowd, his eyes were darting around and I swear they landed on me but he didn't say anything, he didn't seem to notice it was me.

"EDWARD!"

People turned and looked at me but I didn't care. I started to shove them aside, pushing them down in my desperation to reach Edward. Frustratingly slowly I made my way through the mass, calling out his name. Then I saw a tear roll down his cheek as he shook his head.

"He doesn't love me," he cried and then turned and started walking away.

"NO! Edward, come back, I do love you. Come back, come back!" I screamed as loud as I could, shoving people aside. The closer I got to him, the further away he seemed. Nothing I did got his attention.

"I can't believe you went to him," he growled. I could hear him but he couldn't hear me no matter how loudly I yelled. When I finally reached the end of the crowd, he was gone.

I was alone.

Gasping, I woke up soaked in sweat, drenching the sheets under me as I took in calming gulps of air. I was still shaking when I got out of bed and walked naked down the hall to Peter's room. Pushing his door open, I saw him on his bed, sprawled out face down and sound asleep. The sheet was low on his back and I could tell he hadn't dressed after our bath either. I found myself walking over to his bed and getting in, telling myself it was only one night, I just needed him one night. I was lying and I fucking knew it, but it didn't stop me from curling into his side. When he felt the bed dip, he opened his eyes. There was no surprise in them, he'd been expecting me. He knew me that well. Rolling onto his side, he made room for me and wrapped an arm around me.

"You're not alone," he whispered into my hair.

He was right. I wasn't.

After that first night of sleeping with Peter, it was easy to crawl into his bed after the bad dreams. One night I finally gave up the pretense of even going to my room and just went to bed with him. The hurt eased when he was next to me, his body a distraction from the nightly shredding of my heart.

A little less than two weeks after I moved in, I was lying wrapped in his arms, his chest pressed to my back, his breaths on my neck, his morning wood rubbing eagerly against my ass. I might have been sleeping naked with him every night but things hadn't progressed past a few kisses and him holding me. It wasn't that neither of us didn't want it, our bodies certainly wanted each other, but it wasn't something I could do yet.

I woke up when he kissed my shoulder. "It's getting late. Your test is in a few hours," he mumbled sleepily. Nodding, I waited until he loosened his hold on me and then I climbed out of bed and headed to the shower.

An hour later, we were both showered, shaved, and eating breakfast. I sipped my coffee while Peter ate a bagel and gathered a few things.

"Ready?"

I followed him to the car and he drove me to what looked like a small college or high school.

"Do you have all the papers you need?"

"I think so," I answered nervously as I looked around us at others getting out of their cars and going inside. They all looked so normal. I wondered if any of them were ex-hookers. "Peter…"

"Babe, you got this. Trust me okay? You'll do great," he soothed. I undid the seatbelt and looked at him. "I'll be here when you get out." Leaning toward him, I kissed him. Not the brief kisses we'd shared since I'd moved in, but a real kiss. My tongue had barely entered his mouth before he was pulling back. "Love you."

I walked into the building and followed the signs to the classroom where the test was. All eyes looked up at me as I walked in and I began to worry that they could tell I didn't belong there, that I was a fraud trying to be a real person, but no one said anything. Sitting in the back, I listened to the instructor and finally began the test. Hunched over, I read the questions and filled in the answers, biting down on my bottom lip so hard, I didn't realize it was bleeding until I used the bathroom during a break and caught my reflection. I looked like shit. Like I belonged back on the streets. I'd lost weight, my eyes were dull and had dark circles under them, my skin was pale, and my lips were dry.

Returning to the test, I resumed my position and tried to concentrate on the questions. When the time was up, I turned in the test and went outside. Peter was sitting in his car waiting for me, smiling when he saw me walking toward him.

"How did it go?" he asked as I got in.

"I think it went okay. I actually knew some of the answers."

"I told you," he laughed. "You're smart, Jasper. Trust me. I need to run by the office, do you mind coming? It will be a good chance to meet some people."

"Sure," I answered, doing up my seatbelt.

He drove us to his office building, a huge skyscraper in the middle of the city, and parked in a space reserved for him inside a parking garage. Taking my hand, he led me inside. The security guard in the lobby greeted him, and Peter asked about his wife and kids before pulling me onto the elevators. When the doors closed, he smiled at me in the reflection. On the tenth floor, we stepped off and he was instantly approached by four or five people, each of them throwing out questions that he answered confidently and without hesitation. They gave me a curious glance, but nothing more. Tugging on my hand, he let me to his office.

It was on the corner of the floor and had two complete walls of windows. His desk, which almost matched the one at his house, was in the corner of the windows. There were two bookcases and a small sofa on the opposite wall, and two leather chairs in front of his desk. It was clean and uncluttered and elegant.

"I thought you were taking the day off?" a girl accused him with a raised brow as she walked in. She was small with straight, blond, shoulder length hair. Her clothing and jewelry looked expensive.

"I was. I am," he chuckled as he shuffled through some papers. "I just needed the file on the new client. I want to review it later." Suddenly he looked up at me. "Jasper, this is Cassie my assistant, Cassie this is my friend Jasper."

Cassie gave me an appreciative once over. "Friend, huh? That's too bad," she smirked. "He's cute."

"Yes, he is," Peter agreed, shaking his head. Cassie held her hand out to me.

"Nice to meet you, Jasper. I'm Peter's better half."

"Nice to meet you too," I replied, shaking her hand. She was comfortable around Peter, not intimidated like so many others I'd seen when he neared them.

"Hey, watch it," Peter quipped to her. "Got the file. Ready to go, babe?"

"Babe?" Cassie smiled. "Oh yeah, he's just a friend."

Peter ignored her. "Can you fax me the info I asked for earlier?"

"Sure, it should be here within the hour. Anything else?"

"No, I think that covers it. I should be in tomorrow." Peter took my hand. "Call me if you have any problems. Thanks, Cass."

"I will. See you tomorrow. Bye, Jasper."

"Bye," I said as Peter pulled me toward the door.

On the way out, he happily introduced me to almost everyone in the office. Everyone was very friendly, and not one of them seemed to think it was strange that Peter was holding my hand. He was so comfortable with who he was, even in public.

Another two weeks passed.

Two weeks of visiting Riley every few days, of sitting outside rain or sun, holding him on my lap as he complained about rehab. His moods ranged from downright pissed to loving. Although even when he was mad at me for him being there, for putting him through it all, he still put his head on my shoulder, he still murmured things in my ear, he still thanked me for not leaving him.

Two weeks of no clients. Instead of spending my nights getting fucked by strangers, they were spent on the couch in Peter's arms watching movies or westerns.

Two weeks of sitting at the piano and letting my hands roam uncertainly over the keys. At the beach, Edward had promised to teach me how to play but we had run out of time. While Peter was at work, I went on his computer and found videos and web pages on the basics of notes and keys. It had taken me days, but I was finally able to figure out a few things, and by the end of a week I was able to play the beginning notes of something called Chopsticks. At the end of the second week, I had learned a simple song, and played it over and over. I hid my playing from Peter, always stopping before he got home from work until one afternoon, I was so involved with the music, I didn't hear him enter. Suddenly, he came up behind me and kissed my head.

"He'd be very proud of you," he murmured sadly before walking off.

After he'd caught me playing, he asked me every night to play for him. I played the parts to the one song I knew. It was clumsy and I messed it up a lot, but he always smiled as he listened. Sometimes, I concentrated so hard on the keys and where my fingers needed to go that I imagined it was Edward who I was playing for. That he was the one on the couch listening to me with a proud smile on his face.

Two weeks of no Edward in my life. Fourteen nights suffering with an ache that refused to relinquish its hold on my heart. I thought about him constantly, wondering what he was doing, if he was okay, if he was with someone else…if he'd found love again. I missed him so fucking much. I missed his smile, his velvet voice, the way he looked in the morning, the way he would always hold me in just the right way.

I missed the pull.

It hadn't completely gone away, it sat there waiting for its other half to reappear. Unlike me, the pull never gave up hope in finding Edward again. Even when I was in bed with another, the pull still hoped for Edward's presence.

That Friday Peter arrived home from work, looking incredibly handsome in his navy suit and white shirt.

"Hey," I said as he kissed me on the cheek and sat down on the couch next to me.

"Hey, babe. This came for you," he said, handing me a white envelope. "It's your GED results." Biting my lip, I took the letter and glanced at him. "Go on, open it."

Taking a deep breath, I opened the envelope and pulled out the paper, scanning it quickly. "I passed," I told him in s shaky voice.

"Aw, babe," he smiled, pulling me to him a tight hug. "Of course you did."

Then I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time, if ever.

Pride.

I had accomplished something, I was now a high school graduate. I buried my head in his shoulder, a few tears slipping from my eyes as a weak happiness sprouted inside me. But I hadn't done it alone, the man holding me had a lot to do with it. Lifting my head, I looked at him, into his aqua eyes and saw the pride he had for me.

"I did because you," I told him honestly before kissing him.

In bed, Peter stirred in his sleep behind me, his arm unconsciously pulling me closer as he released a contented sigh and pulled me from my memories of the past month. Clenching my eyes, I fought off the memories of Edward that always invaded my nights. Behind closed eyes, I would relive every moment we'd had together, from the minute the hotel door opened to reveal his beautiful face to our last night together. Each night they played like a movie in my head, each night I ended up wishing it would stop, only to then wish it would never stop. I never wanted to forget him, his crooked smile or the sparkle in his deep green eyes.

The days weren't so bad. Since I had officially received my GED, I had gone to work for Peter as a booking agent for his firm. I worked closely with Cassie and Peter the first few weeks as they showed me around the office and introduced me to all my new colleagues. Everyone welcomed me with open arms, offering their assistance if I needed it. Peter trained me himself, going over every detail of the job, how I was responsible for booking function halls and places for client meetings, benefits, and press conferences. I dealt with scheduling caterers, florists, and visiting the locations to make sure they were appropriate. I had been so nervous my first few days, thinking it was well beyond anything I was capable of. Peter paid me a weekly salary that surpassed my escort pay, and he helped me open my first bank account, and purchase my own cell phone.

I could have easily moved out and afforded my own place, but I didn't want to.

I wanted to be with him.

Peter and I had fallen into a daily routine. We would wake up and shower in separate bathrooms before dressing in our suits and eating some breakfast, usually he made the bagels while I poured the coffee. Then we would get into his Mercedes and he would drive us to work. My lunch hour was always spent with him, usually eating takeout in his office but sometimes we ventured to a local grill or sushi restaurant. After work, we drove home and began our nightly routine of dinner and westerns. Every two days I left for a few hours to go visit Riley. If I couldn't make it, Peter always went in my place. When there was family therapy, I left work early to attend the meeting before going home.

During the days, I was living a normal life.

It was the nights that still wrecked me. Every fucking single one of them.

Whether I wanted it to or not, sleep always came, and along with it, the nightmare I dreaded. My body yearned for sleep. I fought it with all my strength, but my body's need took over and I drifted into sleep.

The airport was crowded with people shoving and pushing past me. Edward was walking away from me and no matter how loudly I screamed his name he never heard me. I ran by people, but each step I took put Edward further away from me. Then suddenly I was outside the airport in a strange city. Buildings towered around me and I felt small and alone. Looking down the sidewalk, I spotted Edward and I ran toward him, my feet heavy. Desperately, I called out his name. Finally, he stopped and I sighed in relief. My lungs burned from the sprint and I gasped for breath. Just as I took a step toward Edward, I realized he wasn't alone. He was talking to another man, one that looked slightly familiar to me but I couldn't place where I knew him from. Thankful Edward was at least stopped, I continued toward him until I saw him throw his head back in laughter, the sun catching every shade of red his hair had to offer. The other man smiled at him, then leaned forward and pressed his lips to Edward's. With a gaping mouth, I waited for Edward to push him away, to bitch at him for touching him when he clearly didn't want it.

But Edward didn't push the man away. He reached up and curled a hand behind the man's neck and drew him even closer. Around us, the people faded away until it was only the three of us left on the street. The man's eyes were open, knowingly staring at me with satisfaction as I watched them. Then I recognized him. It was the man from the hotel.

Spencer.

It was his arms wrapped around Edward, his lips on Edward's mouth, his moans being swallowed by Edward's kiss.

Breaking the kiss, Spencer murmured in Edward's ear, loud enough for me to hear. "We've got company."

Curious, Edward glanced over his shoulder at me before turning around. He leaned against Spencer as he eyed me with a smirk. "What do you want?"

"You. I came for you," I screamed. How could he not know?

"You're too late, Jasper. You made your choice and you chose someone else." He looked at Spencer. "And so did I. Run along now. Go back to the streets and your whore."

"Wait, Edward," I cried out as he turned and walked hand in hand with Spencer down the street.

I was alone.

My eyes opened to reveal a dark room, silent except for the rain pelting the windows. Tears streamed down my face and I trembled with each beat of my sore, pounding heart. I let the tears continue as I reached blindly for the hand that I knew was resting low on my abdomen and tangled our fingers together. His body was still pressed against me, warm and secure, even in his sleep.

"Babe, you okay?" Peter asked.

I wanted to apologize for waking him up, I wanted to say I was sorry for everything I'd put him through, I wanted to climb out of the bed and leave him, save him from sharing my misery, and never look back. Sometimes everything just felt so wrong.

And sometimes it felt right.

Nodding, I took a deep breath. He kissed my shoulder and sighed. "You cry almost every night. It breaks my heart to see you like this."

"I'm okay. Just a bad dream about Riley," I lied.

"It wasn't Riley's name you were calling out, babe." He left another kiss on my neck. "It was Edward's," he murmured.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I forced back the tears, refusing to let them fall again. Guilt wracked me almost as much as grief did. There were several more kisses along my shoulder before his lips were at my ear.

"Let me make you feel better," he said so quietly I almost missed it. "Let me give you what you need."

What I needed was thousands of miles away.

What I needed was in the bed next to me.

Wiping my cheeks, I turned over and faced him, keeping my eyes closed as our lips met in a fury of searing kisses. I groaned and threw myself at him with equal fervor, kissing him back in a way that scraped and hurt, but that we knew we needed. There were no words spoken, no sounds but groans as our bodies began to move against each other. Tunneling my fingers through his hair, the hair he was growing out for me, I fisted it, tugging on it as I gasped when his hand reached between us and took our cocks into his fist. My semi-hard erection slid along his and he moaned into the frenzied kiss. Panting, he pulled away and moved his wet lips along my jaw line and down my neck. I arched backward, giving him all the room he needed to nip and lick his way on my tender skin.

There was no one but us in the room, I felt nothing but his teeth and lips on me, his hand stroking us while his other groped my ass. He released our cocks, which had become slick with precum, and ran his hand along my ass down to the back of my thigh. Gripping it, he hitched my leg over his. With a slight shift of his hips, his cock slipped between my legs, rubbing under my balls and over my entrance. Moaning, my pelvis bucked forward, firmly capturing my erection between us. Our bodies never faltered as we devoured and caressed. His touches, while impatient and urgent, lavished me, showing me just how much he loved me, how much he needed me. As his mouth smashed to mine again, his hips began deliberate thrusts, his cock seeking out any friction it could get. Ragged breaths escaped me as I broke the kiss and licked along his jaw, tasting his slightly salty flesh and inhaling his masculine scent.

"Jesus, babe," he groaned when I began sucking on his Adam's apple. Both his hands were on my ass, holding me still as he moved against me. My hands remained in his soft, silky hair, constantly running through it, twisting it around my fingers.

"I want you to fuck me," I whispered breathlessly against his collarbone. "Please."

I needed to feel the connection I was so familiar with.

Groaning, he rolled me onto my back, his weight comfortable and familiar on me as he pressed me into the mattress. The new position allowed him better access and he began rocking his hips in earnest, our cocks rubbing against each other with each wanton movement. I released his hair and skimmed my hands over the sleek muscles rolling under the smooth skin of his back. Placing his hands by my shoulders, he pushed himself up and looked down at me as his hips worked us both into a heated coupling. I savored the raw intimacy of the rapt gaze of his eyes, showing me it wasn't just a fuck for him, it never was anymore. To him, it was making love.

Running the backs of my fingers down his cheek, I returned his look. "I want you to make love to me," I altered my words, saying the ones I knew he longed to hear.

His breath hitched and his eyes flickered, revealing the emotions he carried in him all the time. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

And I was.

Edward was gone. We were done. Peter was still here, still holding me and loving me.

"Make love to me, Peter…"

He collapsed on me, crushing me with his weight and bruising my lips with a ravaging kiss. Our tongues meet and tangled until he broke it to reach for his nightstand. Stilling his hips, he opened the drawer and pulled out the lube and a condom. My fingers danced up and down his strong arm and I watched the racing pulse in his neck as he ripped the condom open. Spreading my legs, I made room for him as he kneeled and rolled the condom down his cock, his eyes watching me for any hesitation I might be feeling.

There was none.

I lay in front of him as he prepared himself, slathering lube on his length. When he went to pour lube on his fingers to ready me, I reached for his wrist.

"Just do it," I mumbled.

Tilting his head, he stroked himself and looked at me. "It'll hurt, babe."

"I know." I wanted to feel the pain. I deserved the pain with what I was doing. "I want it this way," I assured him and then reached behind my thighs and lifted my legs, exposing my vulnerable hole to him. Unable to hold back any longer, he nodded slightly and poised the head of his cock at my entrance. When he paused, I lifted my hips in invitation. "I need you, Peter."

That was all it took. With the release of those words, he pushed forward, slowly forcing his cock into me, stopping the second I sucked in a breath. Gritting my teeth, I hissed as my body stretched to accommodate his size.

"Babe," he whimpered, the strain of not moving evident in his voice, "you okay?"

"Yeah. It's just been awhile," I rasped. "You can move."

As gently as possible, Peter rolled his hips forward, his cock filling me inch by inch until I finally felt his balls against my ass. The burn spread, I felt like I was being torn apart, but I welcome each and every sliver of pain. Anything was better than the agony in my chest. Buried deep in my ass, Peter lowered himself until his chest and lips were on mine. Releasing my legs, I wrapped them around his waist, encouraging him to move. He finally did, easing his hips into a slow, tight rhythm. We kissed languidly while he rocked us back and forth, our bodies connected everywhere. The burning that had been anchored in my ass began to travel up my spine, teasing it with a pleasurable pain.

The timbre of the smacking of his hips against my ass and our mutual guttural grunts filled the formally silent room. Each time his tongue swept over mine, a new part of me was flayed open, the salt poured on the wound, and I craved more of it. My fingers clawed desperately at his back, my nails digging into him as I struggled to lift my hips to meet his increasingly forceful thrusts. Pumping his hips, he groaned, his breaths labored from the effort. He put his forehead on mine, his eyes close and intense, his damp hair pressed against my skin.

"Touch yourself, babe. I want to see you come," he panted. Even though I was hard, my cock throbbing to be touched, I hadn't planned on coming. I yearned for the torture the blue balls would give me, the frustration of not coming might distract me for a few minutes and relieve me from myself. I should have known that Peter wouldn't allow that. He would make sure I was taken care of, that I reached the same heights of pleasure that he sought. When I was slow to reach for myself, he snuck a hand between our abdomens and wrapped his long fingers around my cock. Pleasure with the promise of relief behind it instantly surged through me and my eyes rolled back.

"Feel good?"

"So fucking good," I heard myself moan.

Without my heart's permission, my hips began moving under his skilled stroking and soon I felt the stirring of my orgasm low in my belly. An urgency flooded me and I wrapped my legs tighter around him, meeting each of his thrusts with one of my own. Sweat dripped down the side of my face as I breathed heavily into the small space between us. In tandem, our bodies moved, each giving the other exactly what they needed at that time. It seemed like hours we both hovered on that edge, holding hands and daring the other to jump first. But neither of us would, we wanted the sweet torture to last, to keep our bodies afire until we couldn't stand it anymore. He released release my length and pressed himself to me so tightly that we could feel my cock twitching between us as it ached with need. His eyes never left mine, he held my gaze as he slowly worked my body until I was shaking uncontrollably.

"Make me come, lover," I begged him in a hoarse whisper as I brushed my fingers down his cheek, savoring the connection we were sharing.

His eyes widened at sentiment right before his mouth crashed onto mine and he plunged his cock deeper into me with a new urgency, striking the spot that sent me spiraling into momentary bliss. My cock and my balls drew up and the fire radiated throughout me until it ignited and I grunted. Between us, my cock pulsed and emptied, shooting warm cum and adhering our already sticky flesh. My body tensed and stilled, but his kept moving as he milked my climax with each pump of his hips and brushing along my prostate.

For a few moments, I forgot the pain.

I forgot everything but the beautiful, generous man above me, filling my body and my heart.

The clenching of my ass clamped his cock and he groaned. Breaking the kiss, he panted for breath and I knew he was only thrusts away.

"Come for me," I murmured, never taking my eyes from his.

He brushed my hair off my face as he breached the space and kissed me. The second our lips met, his body shuddered violently and two powerful thrusts later, he came. Losing all rhythm, his hips jerked erratically as he rode out his climax, his mouth never leaving mine. The room was then filled with the cries of pleasure as two became one and found completion and temporary solace in each other's arms in the most natural, primal way.

Making love.

With one last kiss, he carefully pulled out and took the condom off before getting up and going into the bathroom. The water ran for few seconds and he returned with a wet towel and wiped me clean with gentle swipes. Tossing the towel into the basket, he got into bed and pulled me to him. My face was buried in the contours of his neck while one hand rested on his hip and the other played with the ends of his hair. He sighed, a slight smile on his face as he hugged me closer.

"Love you, Jasper," he whispered just before his sated body drifted to sleep.

I refused to let sleep claim me again. Instead, I closed my eyes and sank into the warm body next to me, offering me more than I could ever want.

The next morning, I was up as soon as I as I saw a hint of daylight. Untangling myself from his grip, I showered and dressed and was downstairs cooking breakfast when Peter walked up behind me. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he kissed my neck right above the collar of my shirt.

"Morning, babe," he murmured softly. "You okay after last night?"

No.

Turning over my shoulder, I kissed him and said, "Definitely."

I told myself this was the life I was supposed to live. I was supposed to be loved by a beautiful man that would take care of me. I just needed to get used to it.

Peter released me and I handed him his coffee and a bagel with cream cheese. He smiled and ate, flipping through the paper that had been delivered. "What time do you see Riley today?"

"Two I think."

"I was going to go with you, but I've got a meeting at two-thirty," he frowned. "Tell him I said hi."

"Sure."

As we drove to work, I wasn't surprised when his hand moved across the seat to take mine. I was surprised when I turned my palm up and squeezed his in return.

I could get used to this. It was what I was supposed to want.

The morning at work was busy, I spent most of it on the phone, ate lunch with Peter in his office, and then took the car across town to Riley's rehab.

Just like always, he sprinted across the lobby when he saw me, jumping into my arms and wrapping his legs around me. He felt heavier than he did when he'd first been admitted, I could feel a new firmness to his body that wasn't just skin and bone. His hair was clean and shiny and he smelled like body wash.

"Angel," he sighed before he kissed me.

"Hey, sweetheart." With him tangled around me, I walked us to the patio where we spent most of our time together. Sitting down in one of the chairs, Riley shifted so he was straddling my lap. "How's your week so far?"

"Fucking long. I swear if Mort doesn't shut the fuck up, I'm going to kill him."

"I thought you were a lover, not a fighter," I reminded him, quoting his words from the week before.

He sighed. "Apparently not where he's concerned. Good news though, I'm halfway through this shit and I'm almost off the meds."

"Congratulations," I smiled and reached up to brush his long hair back. When I did, he looked at me, his eyes sharply boring into mine as he studied my guilt. Instantly, he knew.

"You fucked Peter," he accused. Guiltily, I looked down at our clasped hands and chewed on the inside of my cheek. "Angel, when you moved in with him you told me it wasn't about sex. I told you it would break him if you did this."

"He wanted it too," I mumbled.

"Of course he did, he's fucking in love with you."

Bringing my eyes back to his, I challenged his hard stare with one of my own. "Then why is it wrong?"

"Because you're not in love with him," he reasoned.

"Since when do you have to be in love with someone to have sex? Are you in love with Josh? He fucks you every week."

"It's different and you fucking know it. We use each other. Peter isn't using you, he wants a life with you."

I really fucking hated it when Riley was rational.

"Besides, maybe I am in love with him," I offered quietly.

"Oh? A few months without Edward and you're ready to move on?" He raised a brow and tilted his head until I looked away again.

"Maybe. What's wrong with that? Why can't I move on with Peter?"

Riley sighed and put his temple to mine. "You can, angel. Just be careful. He's a good guy, don't hurt him, he doesn't deserve it."

"What do I do?" I asked desperately, needing all the answers to all my questions.

"You need to choose."

He made it sound so simple, so easy, when it was anything but. How does someone choose between someone you love and someone who loves you? Did I even have a choice? Even if I chose Edward, it wouldn't matter. We were done, we wouldn't be together as long as I was in Seattle and he was in Chicago. Choosing Edward only meant I wouldn't be with Peter.

"Then I choose…" Edward. "Peter," I swallowed, closing my eyes.

We spent the rest of the visit sitting there silently. Occasionally, he kissed me and murmured in my ear how much he missed me and wanted to live with me again. I knew he was secretly relieved at my choice. Choosing Peter meant I was staying in Seattle for good. When it came time for me to leave, Riley clung to me and begged me not to go.

It never got any easier.

After a tender kiss, I whispered, "I love you."

"Love you too," he smiled sadly and watched me walk out the door.

I made it to the car before the first tear fell.

"**~~**"

Over the next three weeks, my life move forward.

It turned out I was actually good at my job. My innate charm and ability to read people, things that made me a good hooker, helped a lot. People automatically felt at ease with me. Even the demanding ones spoke highly of me to Peter and he beamed with pride. He taught me the art of networking and I began to make acquaintances all over the country.

Peter and I spent every day and night together. Often we would go out to dinner or even have people from the office over for a few dinner parties. Peter was a great host, opening up his huge backyard and patio for barbeques. I found myself mingling, sitting by Peter's side, holding his hand and smiling as we entertained our guests. For the first time in my life, I knew people who didn't do drugs or sell their bodies for money.

Our weekends were spent visiting Riley or shopping or doing things around the house. Each night, Peter and I slept tightly embraced in each other's arms. He would sleep while I fought it until my body caved. My sleep continued to be filled with dreams of Edward. Even if I resisted thinking about him during the day, the nights completely belonged to him. My unconscious couldn't contain its desires for him and the yearnings came out in the form of the same nightmare.

I would find him waiting for me at the airport, he would ignore me and turn away. When I finally caught him, he would be with Spencer, kissing, or even fucking. I woke up in Peter's arms feeling like a hypocrite. How could I be hurt about Edward finding comfort in another man when I'd done the exact same thing?

Peter and I made love almost every night, our bodies finding each other in the dark when we could no longer deny the need for comfort or suppress the desire for release. Usually he topped me, but there were a few times when he murmured his need for me in my ear and it would be my cock sheathed in a condom as it slowly pushed inside him, filling him with thrusts until we both cried out. The positions and needs changed, but one thing never did.

The love he felt for me.

It remained in the air around us no matter what we were doing. As much as I tried, I had yet to return the words to him. He never seemed frustrated or angry about it, he just accepted that in time I would say it.

In time I would feel it.

One day after Peter had completed negotiations on a new multimillion dollar contract he'd been working on for weeks, he wanted to celebrate. An hour later we were walking into a gay club in downtown Seattle. The music was blaring, the walls thumping to the beat along with the shirtless men bouncing up and down on the dance floor. Peter pulled me to the floor, and then he did something I'd never seen him do.

He danced.

Not just swaying hips to music while he cooked, but actually danced.

It wasn't only my eyes that noticed the seductive way he moved. Dressed in a blue striped button down and tight dark jeans, he commanded attention and he got it. Just about every set of eyes in that place turned, even if they were with another, and at least appreciated the hot guy. We spent the night dancing, sometimes so close he could feel my erection, sometimes further apart as we jumped and turned. Our bodies got sweaty, we got thirsty, but we kept dancing. The music pumped, hips grinded, and I almost laughed.

"You dance as well as Riley said," he whispered in my ear. When I raised a brow, he confessed that Riley had told him about how he and I would sneak into clubs.

"If you think I can dance, you should see Riley. That boy has moves," I returned.

"Oh, I don't doubt it," he smirked. There was a flash of something in his eyes, an excitement or newness that lasted only a second, but I saw it. Before I could say something, his hands were spinning me around and we were dancing with another couple, all grinding and groping.

Back at Peter's house, we stripped our clothes, our eyes watching each other with a passion that had been growing steadily for weeks. Falling into bed, he covered my eager body with his and took me hard and fast, like he used when we first met. The headboard banged against the wall under his pounding thrusts. On all fours, my body accepted each one, begging and pleading for more. After hoarse cries escaped us and our cocks had emptied, we collapsed onto the bed, our chests heaving as we gasped for breath. He kissed my cheek and then cleaned up while I stripped the cum covered sheets off the bed and got new linens. Naked, we made the bed, even laughing at how horny and impatient we had both been. I climbed in and Peter said he had a surprise for me. Curious, I watched his bare ass as he moved across the room and got a bag, then went to the television and turned it on. Crawling into bed, he positioned himself behind me, sealing my back to his chest, his soft cock squished against the cleft of my ass.

I sucked in a painful breath when the music started. Instantly, my chest was heavy when the uncontainable ache turned into a piercing pain as the never healed wound was ripped opened again. While I sat in my own personal hell, Peter put his lips at my ear.

"Surprised? I saw it was the only movie at your apartment, so I thought it must be your favorite. Although I have to admit the flying monkeys always kind of freaked me out."

Before I could even think to stop them, the tears streamed freely down my face. Silently, I watched as Dorothy ran into her house looking for her aunt. Unable to watch anymore, I closed my eyes. A sob worked its way through me, finally escaping and alerting Peter.

"Babe?" He shifted so he could see my face better. When I turned away, he took my chin and pulled it toward him. "Oh God," he whispered when he saw my tear streaked cheeks. "I'm sorry, I thought…I thought it was something you liked."

"I do," I sniffled. "Sometimes it reminds of me my childhood."

And Edward.

He sighed. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Jasper. Want me to turn it off?"

"No," I shook my head. I was going to force myself through it. "I want to watch it with you. Thank you for thinking of it."

Unsure, he nodded and wrapped his arms around me. The movie continued, as did my tears, until Dorothy was finally kissing her dear friends goodbye. When she came to the scarecrow, and said she would miss him most of all, I openly sobbed. Peter turned me in his arms, hugging me to him until my tears had run dry. Using the remote, he stopped the movie and then lay down, still holding me. My tears soaked his skin as he whispered soothing sounds in my ear and ran his hands up and down my back.

"I love you so much, babe," he murmured.

I cried harder.

At some point, exhaustion took over and I relaxed in Peter's arms enough to feel myself fading into sleep.

"Now which way do I go?" I asked myself as stood at the intersection of the yellow brick road as it veered off in two directions. I sighed, studying one path, then the other. They looked the same, both lined with fields and a fence.

"That way is a very nice way."

I looked around for the voice but only found a scarecrow dressed in ragged clothing hanging on a post on the other side of the post and rail fence. He was thin with long dark hair and big, hopeful, brown eyes.

"Who said that?"I asked aloud.

The scarecrow smirked. "Me, silly. I said it. Although I'm not sure I'm right." Suddenly the scarecrow jumped down and ran over to me, leaping onto me and wrapping his legs around me. "But if you take me with you, I will show you the way."

"You don't know where I'm going."

"Oh. You're right. Where are you going?" He tilted his head curiously.

"I'm going to see the Wizard to see if he can get me home."

"Can I go with you? Maybe he can give me a brain," he grinned and I couldn't help but return it.

"Sure."

We began walking down the yellow brick road together, the scarecrow's hand oddly comfortable in mine as he chattered endlessly about anything and everything. From how long he'd been on the post to why he needed a brain.

"You're the only scarecrow I've ever met that wants to be a doctor."

"Probably the hottest scarecrow too, huh?"

"Of course," I agreed and gripped his hand.

Further on our path, we came across a small cabin in the forest. Across from it, we found a man made of tin, his metal body frozen in mid-swing of his axe. Stopping, Scarecrow and I stared at him, jumping back when we heard him mumbling through rusted lips. Bravely, Scarecrow approached him, examining him closely. I followed behind Scarecrow, ready to protect my new friend if I needed to. Spotting an oil can on a stump near him, I handed it to Scarecrow and he squirted the oil on all the joints of the powerful looking tin man.

"He's sexy as fuck," Scarecrow whispered.

The tin man's joints began to bend and creak and he sighed in relief. "I've been stuck here forever waiting for you guys," Tin Man grinned.

"We're off to see the Wizard to see if he can get Jasper home and me a brain, do you want to come with us?"

The man thought, and then nodded. "I could use a heart. Mine hasn't worked since it was broken years ago."

Scarecrow pressed his body to the tin man. "Do all your other parts work?"

"Um, I think so," Tin Man blushed.

"Maybe we can find out later," Scarecrow winked.

"Come on," I sighed, pulling on Scarecrow's hand and peeling him off Tin Man. "Let's go."

While we walked, Scarecrow sang and danced and flirted with Tin Man, tossing hay all over him. Night had fallen and blackness surrounded us. Scarecrow walked between me and Tin Man, holding both our hands.

"So, Tin, what do you like to do?"

"I…I don't know," Tin Man stuttered. "Chop wood?"

With a frustrated sigh, Scarecrow turned to me. "What about you?"

"I like blowjobs," I answered honestly.

"Me too! What else?"

"Hand jobs."

"Me too! What else?"

"Fucking."

"Oh my," Tin Man trembled.

"I like blowjobs, handjobs, and fucking," Scarecrow repeated.

"Oh my" Tin Man quivered.

"Blowjobs, handjobs and fucking," I chanted.

"Oh my."

Hand in hand, we began to skip down the yellow brick road, singing, "Blowjobs, handjobs, and fucking, oh my."

We were just starting to get breathless when a lion jumped out in front of us. He was handsome and regal and had the most unique shade of chestnut fur and mane. He growled at us and we came to a stop.

And laughed.

Frowning, he tilted his head. "Aren't you scared?"

"Of you?" Scarecrow giggled. "Why are you trying to scare us anyway?"

The lion sighed. "Because I'm afraid of everything and scaring others makes me feel better."

Dropping our hands, Scarecrow skittered up the lion and pressed himself close, his hands running through Lion's thick mane. Lion purred under his touch, completely still as Scarecrow fussed over his fur. Scarecrow looked at me.

"He's beautiful. Can he come with us?"

I glanced at Tin Man, who had moved closer to me and was holding my hand. When he finally nodded, I turned to Lion. "We're going to the see the Wizard to see if he can give Scarecrow a brain and Tin Man a heart, maybe he can give you courage."

"Then we're going to have a threesome," Scarecrow said, bouncing eagerly.

"A foursome now," I corrected him.

"See, this is why I need a brain."

Overwhelmed, Lion looked at us all. His eyes fell appreciatively over Scarecrow, warily on Tin Man, and then arrived to me. His whiskers twitched as he stared at me. I felt an incredible need to step forward, to be closer to him. It was like he was a magnet and he was drawing me in. Scarecrow was loyal and adorable, Tin Man was smart and sexy, but Lion…there was something about him that captivated me.

"Okay," he finally agreed.

Scarecrow grabbed his paw and yanked him over to us. Lion took my hand and we both jumped back. Eyeing me, he held his paw out again and I took it. Another spark shot through us, but instead of letting him go, I gripped his furry paw tighter, determined to keep him safe by my side and give him some of my courage.

"Ready?" Scarecrow asked squishing himself between me and Tin Man and taking our hands. As soon as we took our first step, he began singing again.

I'd met three very strange friends, but I had the distinct feeling that we would be lifelong friends. Lion kept looking at me, turning away when he got caught staring. Scarecrow kept hitting on Tin Man, asking him if he'd remembered to bring his lube with him.

Walking along the road, holding their hands, I didn't care if I ever got to Oz. I didn't care if I never got home.

Maybe I was already home.

My eyes shot open and I wiped at my cheeks, feeling them damp from the tears I'd shed in my sleep. Peter was behind me, his arm holding me protectively.

Maybe I was already home.

Maybe I was supposed to be with Peter all along. Maybe Edward wasn't my forever.

But if that were true, then why did my chest ache with each breath? Why were my dreams filled with images of him? Why, when I was in Peter's arms, did I still long to be someone else's? They were all questions someone like me, someone inexperienced in love, couldn't answer. Or wanted to avoid asking.

I went to reach for Peter's hand, only to find mine was already threaded with his. I'd been holding his hand in my sleep like I had in the dream.

Maybe I was already home.

The dream plagued me and I wondered what it all meant, if anything. Sighing, I gave up on sleep and stared at the wall for the rest of the night.

Daylight was streaming viciously through the bedroom windows, cutting across the end of the bed before Peter stirred behind me. Never once in his sleep had he loosened his hold on me. It was as if he was trying to make sure that I didn't leave him during the night.

"Morning, babe," he murmured thickly, placing a kiss on my shoulder.

"Morning."

"What time is it?"

"A little after seven," I answered, glancing at the clock.

"No time for sex, huh?" He thrust his morning erection into my backside for effect.

"You've got a nine o'clock meeting, but if you get up and in the shower…." I let him fill in the blank.

After one more kiss to my neck, he released me and rolled out of bed. Extending his hand to me, he smiled. I sat up and took it, letting him pull me up before I willingly followed him into his master bathroom. There was enough room in his shower stall for us to make love, and after our bodies were slippery with soap, that was exactly what we did. He dug his fingers into my hips and slammed his cock into me until we both came. Clutching each other in a lathered haze afterward, he kissed me.

"That was worth being late for," he smiled before rinsing us both and turning off the water.

Turned out we weren't late. After quickly getting dressed and skipping breakfast, we were at work with time to spare. On his way to his meeting, Peter asked Cassie to order some breakfast for us and twenty minutes later, I was eating fruits and pastries in my office.

It was a life I could get used to.

At noon I popped into Peter's office to see if we were doing lunch. "Of course," he grinned. "Your choice."

We ended up at Indian restaurant I had grown to like. Sitting at a table for two near the window, I watched people walk by us, none of them noticing the two men holding hands. Peter told me about his meeting, teasing me when I got frustrated over the end result. He shook his head, his thumb stroking the back of my hand.

"What?"

"Not that I ever doubted you, but it's nice to see how easily you've taken to the job. I know you were worried about doing it and fitting in."

I stared at our hands, joined, clasped, holding softly. "How did you know?"

"I could see it in your eyes. You were worried they would all know what you did before this. You felt unqualified, but you've proven yourself wrong."

"I have?"

"There's nothing you can't do," he answered indirectly. I pulled my eyes from our hands and brought them to his aqua ones, so full of love. Before it got too serious, he changed the subject. "You're seeing Riley today, right?"

"Yes, at two. I still can't believe he looks so…."

"Healthy," he supplied.

"Yes. He's gained weight."

"He's probably finally at the weight he's supposed to be. I'm going to stop by day after tomorrow."

Finished with our meal, we got into the car and Peter's driver brought us to the office where Peter kissed me goodbye.

"Why don't you just head over now, spend some extra time with him," he said as he broke the kiss and got out. "I'll see you when you get back. Tell him I said hi."

"I will, thanks," I smiled.

"Love you," he said as he closed the door.

I watched him walked through the lobby doors as the car pulled away from the curb. Just as the door swung closed, he glanced at me one last time over his shoulder and in that instant, something told me he would always be glancing over his shoulder for me.

I kept telling myself it wasn't wrong. I was where I needed, where I should be. I refused to wonder if I was forcing us both to live a lie. I had dragged him into my world, and he had saved mine by pulling me into his. How could I not be with him after all he'd done for me? But I honestly didn't stay with him out of guilt, I wanted to be there, I wanted to make love to him and wake up with him.

I just wanted to do those with someone else more.

Peter and I weren't the only thing on my mind. Riley was due to be released in a month and had no place to go. While I had more than enough money to get him his own apartment, I knew he wouldn't fare well being alone. If there was ever a social creature, it was Riley. He thrived best when surrounded by people, even if he didn't know them, even if they were johns or the scum of the earth like James, Riley needed people. If he was alone, the urge for the drugs would quickly lure him back. No, Riley definitely couldn't be alone. I would have to move out of Peter's and move into a place with Riley. Peter wouldn't be happy about it, but he would understand, probably even encourage it. Being in separate apartments didn't mean Peter and I couldn't still be together.

The car stopped and my door was open before I even realized we had pulled up in front of rehab. I thanked Peter's driver as I got out and walked up the steps leading to the large wooden doors, preparing myself for Riley's greeting. Walking in, I found him sitting on a piano bench, his back to the piano, his knees bouncing up and down, his body tight and thrumming as energy hummed around him.

"Angel," he yelled as he jumped up and bounded to me. With a well timed leap, he was in my arms, his legs around my waist, his arms around my neck. Immediately, my hands went to his ass to support his weight.

"Sweetheart, you need to lay off the donuts if you expect me to hold you up."

Laughing freely, he kissed me and I walked us out the back door to the patio. Once I lowered us into a chair, he shifted his weight so he was straddling my lap, his knees on either side of my thighs. His lips worked their way along my jaw and back again, stopping a few times to press tightly to mine.

"So how are you?" I mumbled into the kiss. Sighing, he pulled back and put his forehead to mine.

"Okay, I guess." He shrugged. "I'm not fan of these fucking steps though."

"I know, sweetheart."

"They just don't get it. I mean, I can't be the only one here that doesn't believe in God, can I?"

"I don't know."

He sighed heavily. "Speaking of steps, I need to talk to you." He settled more comfortably in my lap. "Dr. Dolan might try to make me do this at family therapy with you, but I want to do it privately because…it's private, ya know? Just between you and me."

"What is it?"

Taking a deep breath, he looked intensely into my eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Riley, you've got nothing to be sorry for," I said, denying his apology.

"Just listen to me for a minute." Soft fingers ran over my lips. "I'm sorry for all the shit I've done to you, to us. I'm sorry for using the money you gave me for food to buy drugs. I'm sorry for when were on the streets and I promised I would return with food, but came back with a few rocks instead. I'm sorry I didn't look out for you on the streets as much as you looked out for me."

"But you did, Rile. The only reason I survived that first year was because of you."

"Yeah, well, maybe, but you would have eaten better if I wasn't an addict," he argued.

"It doesn't matter. If you need me to accept your apology for you to complete your step, I will, but I don't need it."

Biting his lip, he murmured thanks and let his eyes drift away to look at something over my shoulder. He stayed like that for a few moments, his fingers toying with the ends of my hair while mine rested on his hips. He smelled clean, his jeans and tee shirt were clothes Peter and I had bought for him and they fit perfect. The light breeze moved a few strands of his hair in front of his face and I reached up and tucked them behind his ear.

We weren't done.

There was more he needed to say, he was just working up the courage to tell me what it was. Patiently, I waited for him to be ready.

"There's more," he finally mumbled, his eyes still focused away from mine. Again, I waited until he was ready. "I love you, Jas. I think I have for a long time, I just didn't know until I was in that alley. When they were…when they were hurting me, all I could think of was how much I wanted to see you again and tell you I was sorry I didn't listen to you and that I didn't behave and stay at the hotel like you told me to. You were the last person I thought of before I passed out."

"I love you too, Rile." I kissed his cheek closest to me. "And I know you couldn't help going out."

Gnawing so hard on his lip I thought for sure he was going to draw blood, he closed his eyes and exhaled. "And I'm sorry I madeyoustayhere," he rushed out.

"What?"

"I'm sorry I made you stay here," he repeated slowly, opening his eyes. "In Seattle."

"You didn't-"

"I did," he interrupted. "I asked you to not leave me. Then Edward asked you to go to Chicago and you couldn't because of me. Because you'd promised me you wouldn't leave me." His fingers never stopped nervously wrapping tightly around the ends before releasing them and doing it again.

Running a finger down his cheek, I gave him a small smile. "I stayed with you because I wanted to."

"I know you did, but I know you wanted to go to Edward. I know you didn't go because of me, and I let you stay," he said quietly.

"That's not true," I denied sharply. He was trying to take the blame for my decision.

"Oh? Can you honestly say that if I wasn't in your life, if you didn't feel responsible for me, you wouldn't have gone?" My silence was his answer and he nodded curtly. "I didn't think so. Angel, you would have left with him that day, wouldn't you?"

It was my turn to look away. His fucking honest brown eyes were expressing shit I wasn't nearly strong enough to face. Unlike me, he wouldn't let me get away with it and he pulled my chin back to him.

"Tell me," he demanded roughly.

The pull in my chest for Edward that had begun to lie dormant, whose ache I had finally begun to accept and live with daily, reared and sent a piercing pain through me, reopening the unhealed wound. A small gasp escaped me and I yanked my head free of his hold.

"What do you want to hear?" I snarled, pissed he had made me hurt again. It was still too fresh.

"The truth."

"You want to hear that I'm nothing without him? That if you weren't around or had ended up dead, I would be in Chicago right now? That every day that passes, I miss him more and more? That I fear I won't ever love anyone like that again? Is that what you want, asshole?" I snapped quietly.

My words were harsh and cruel and cut deeply, but he didn't look shocked or even hurt. In fact, he looked satisfied, even slightly happy.

"That's exactly what I want to hear, because that makes this next part easier."My lip curled up and I growled at him, but his hands were still in my hair and mine were still on his hips. "I can't take any of that back, but I can try to right a wrong," he whispered.

I sighed and tore my chin from his grasp. I was tired of the talking, of the honest words. I wanted out of there. Just as I tightened my grip on his hips to push him off me, he spoke again.

"I want you to go to him, angel," he whispered softly. Immediately, my eyes shot to his and my fingers loosened their hold.

"What?" I choked out, barely audible.

"You heard me," he smirked. "I want you to go to Edward. It's where you need to be."

"I need to be with you," I challenged.

He raised a brow. "And I love you for saying that, but angel, I can see how much you miss him. Hell, I held you together after he left. Don't deny it. You're sitting here in a custom tailored suit with a silk tie and expensive shirt, and yet, you still look like complete shit. You're pale, there are circles under your eyes no amount of makeup would ever cover. Fuck, you looked better when you were homeless." Cupping my cheek, he held my watery gaze and sighed. "Angel, there's no life in your eyes anymore. You're dead inside. And I'd be willing to bet any amount of money that Beautiful doesn't look any better."

"I'm with Peter," I murmured, almost as much to myself as Riley.

"Yeah, well you shouldn't be and you know it. It's not fair to either of you. He's not who you want, angel. I think he knows that, he's just denying it."

I shifted uncomfortably under his stare and weight, but he didn't let me move. He wasn't finished with me yet.

"Go to Edward. Be with him, live with him, love him. Please, angel."

A tear slid down my cheek as I shook my head defiantly. "No. I said I wouldn't leave you and I won't. You get out in a month. I'm going to get us an apartment so we can live together."

Smiling, he tilted his head and wiped my tear. "That's sounds nice, but I'll be fine. Maybe when I'm done, I can come to Chicago. I don't have anything keeping me here. If not, then…well, I'm sure something will turn up."

"No. I won't do it. I won't break my promise to you."

"You're not. I'm telling you to go. If you're worried about when I get out, I'm sure Peter will check in on me sometimes. I can get a job now that I'm clean and maybe get a place to live. Maybe I can get a hot roommate or something. Might be fun." His words were full of shit. He had lived in the real world, he knew that any job he could find would never pay him enough to support himself. But he was telling me the lie to get me to leave.

I started trembling and he soothed me with a few light kisses, promising everything was going to be okay and that I had to go.

"This isn't easy, angel. Trust me, I don't want you to go, but you have to. For me, for Edward, and for you. Will you at least think about it?"

Exhaling a shaky breath, I nodded. I could tell him I was going to think about it, but I wasn't going to. The conversation was over, my decision was made.

I wasn't going anywhere.

"What makes you think that Edward would still want me? That he hasn't moved on?" I asked, feeling confident that Riley wouldn't be able to challenge it.

"Trust me, angle, he most definitely has not moved on. Maybe in three years, but not in three months."

"You don't know that," I snapped.

"Not in the technical sense, no, but I know it as well as you do. Angel, love like what you and he had doesn't come around to everyone. It's like the fairytales we used to talk about, remember? How it had to be the prince who kissed the damsel? He was the only one who could save her. Well, you're the only one who can save Edward."

Edward saved me.

"Remember our last night, remember I asked you to make love to me?" Sniffling, I nodded and he continued. "Remember I said that even when you and Beautiful fucked, it was still making love? I saw the love you two have in everything you did that week. I'd seen it before, but I didn't really know what it was until that week. The way you look at each other, the way your bodies just gravitate toward the other. You don't even realize you're doing it, it just happens. It's sickeningly sweet, but kind of cute."

I almost chuckled, but it felt wrong when I could taste the salt of the tears rolling over my lips.

"He needs you like air, angel. It killed him to leave just like it killed you not to go. Don't spend the rest of your life regretting not going to him."

Riley was an addict. Riley was a hooker. Riley was my best friend. He was also honest and insightful.

And right.

I didn't know if the stuff he was saying about Edward was true, but I knew the stuff he said about me was. But it didn't matter if I couldn't go anyway. Regret, pain, heartache…none of it mattered if I couldn't get on that plane. They were emotions I needed to forget, to numb so I could get up each morning. Maybe even make it through the day without feeling like complete shit. It was a survival tactic, but it worked.

Even if what Riley was saying was right, there was still someone else.

"What about Peter?" I whispered and I saw Riley's eyes flash at the name. Given all that Peter had done for him, Riley was protective of him.

"It's going to rip his heart out," Riley murmured. "It will hurt like fucking hell, but it's better than having a relationship with someone who wants someone else."

"I love Peter," I argued.

"Fine, you love him." He shrugged, "but are you in love with him?"

I looked away, the fence behind Riley garnering my attention. "Does it matter? Love is love."

"Angel, I didn't even know what the fuck love was or felt like until you. I'm not an expert and you're my only boyfriend, but I hear people talk about it here and I watch TV. I don't know how, but I think it does matter."

I was quiet and taking in what he had said. While I wouldn't admit it to anyone but him, deep inside, I was actually considering it. He wanted me to go…and I wanted to do it.

But I couldn't.

"Yeah, you can," Riley said. "At least think about it."

Returning my eyes to his, I nodded. After another soft kiss, he climbed off my lap and led me to the door where he squeezed my hand and said he loved me. With those words, I stumbled outside and to the car where I collapsed inside.

Back at the office, I managed to shut the talk I'd had with Riley away and focus on work, but the sinking feeling in my stomach remained all day no matter how distracted my mind might have been. A little after five, Peter appeared in my office, a grin on his face as he stood and waited for me to gather my stuff to head home. He held my hand on the way out. He kissed my cheek as we climbed in the car. He caressed my thigh as we sat in the back seat.

When we got home, we both changed from office clothes and into tee shirts and shorts. Peter grilled some steaks and vegetables while I made a salad. The ease in which we worked together was there, he laughed and teased and I smiled and nodded. We ate outside on the patio. I pretended to eat, but knew if I did, my stomach would only heave the contents back up. Peter furrowed his brows a few times, but never said anything. After the dishes were done, he led me back outside and sat down on a long, cushioned lounger. Parting his legs, he patted between them for me to sit down. He tucked me against his chest, our hands clasped on my thighs as we both stared up into the night sky twinkling with stars.

"Tell me about your visit with Riley?"

The tears started, betraying me, before I could stop them. I had no hope of lying and getting away with it.

"Babe?" he murmured, kissing my cheek. "Is Riley okay? What happened?"

For two months I'd been living a lie. I'd been living someone else's life.

I knew it, and I was pretty sure Peter knew it too.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I felt his fingers move up the back of my hand and stop on Edward's watch. He traced the metal band and crystal face, gently moving the watch side to side on my wrist.

"I know you wear this to remind you of him." He paused and just held my shaking body. Resting his temple against mine, he sighed. "Babe, I don't want to see you unhappy. I never wanted that. I just thought…hoped that you wanted the same thing as me."

"I do," I squeaked out. "I need you, I want you…"

"But you don't love me."

"I do love you," I whispered hoarsely.

"No, you don't," he rasped. "You love him."

Behind me his body tensed, but his hold on me never eased, his fingers were still tangled with mine, his head was still against mine. What hurt more than anything was I wanted to deny his words, I wanted to yell at him and tell him he was wrong, but he wasn't.

I loved Edward.

While I did need and want Peter, I wasn't in love with him. He wasn't my Prince Charming. He was my Tin Man with the huge heart that was breaking right alongside mine.

"It fucking hurts, Jasper. Really fucking hurts to know that while you're here, living with me, sleeping with me, making love to me, the entire time you want to be with him."

"I don't," I mumbled defensively.

"The fuck you don't. Don't lie to me, I deserve more than that," he growled lowly.

As tense as he was, he sighed and his hold on me loosened as he relaxed again. It was as if all he'd been holding in for weeks was suddenly set free, and he began to accept it. Pulling me to him tighter, he released my hand and turned my head toward him. My blurry eyes attempted in vain to focus on his. Blues and greens mingled and swirled together as they welled with tears and one slid down before he could blink the rest away.

"You need to make a choice. You can't give me your body, but give him your heart. I want both. I've always wanted both, I never hid that from you. I'm a patient man, Jasper, but it's time. Who do you choose?" he asked quietly.

How do I choose between two beautiful, intelligent men who loved me? In a side by side comparison, Peter was the clear winner. He was out, he had self made wealth, he was proud to be with me, he lavished me with kindness, tenderness, and love. He had it all. He had everything.

Except one thing.

My heart.

The side by side comparison didn't mean anything when the most important part of me sat in Edward's hands two thousand miles away.

Desperately I wanted to look away, to look at anything but the agony and knowing that was so clear in Peter's eyes. It had been there all along but that we had both chosen to ignore. His firm hold on my chin made sure there was no escaping his pain. Our pain. My lips moved but nothing came out and suddenly he was brushing his over mine, the saltiness of our tears running between our lips. I kissed him back, I parted my lips to let his tongue sweep gently over mine, I angled my head to deepen it even though I knew it was wrong.

Because it was all I knew how to do.

His hand gripped mine as if I was slipping away from him right then.

Maybe I was.

Breaking the kiss, he put his forehead to mine. The air thickened and stilled while he accepted my silence as my answer to his question.

It had broken our hearts, but I had chosen.

"I guess two out of three isn't enough, huh?" he sighed, his breath washing over my face. Closing his eyes, he murmured, "You don't love me, Jasper. You need to go to him."

"I can't-"

"Don't. Don't say it. Because if you do, I will probably break down and beg you to stay with me, to give us more time," he pleaded with a strained voice. "Just go. I love you, I probably always will, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I'd hoped that would be with me, but it's not. You need to go to him."

"That's what Riley told me today. He said I need to go, but I can't, I can't leave Riley. I'll move out of your house, but I'm not leaving Seattle. He gets out soon, he's going to need me," I mumbled, our lips so close they were almost touching.

"Don't worry about Riley. I'll take care of him," Peter promised as another tear ran down his face. When I went to speak, he stopped me. "I've invested way too much money and time into him to let him fuck up. He can live here with me. He can have your room. I've got the space and…well, it might be nice to have someone around. This place is too big and quiet for just one person."

I didn't know what to say. Speechless, I just nodded, accepting his offer.

"You've taught me so much, you showed me the power of survival, the strength of a man's will to live, but most importantly you taught me to love again. That it's okay to take a risk, sometimes it pays off." He kissed me before whispering, "I'll miss you, Jasper."

"I'll miss you too," I breathed.

"**~~**"

He tugged on my hand and dragged me out to the patio. It wasn't a normal visiting day, there was no jumping on me when I walked through the door. Riley was perceptive, he knew what had happened. I sat in the chair and he climbed on top of me, glancing around to make sure we were alone.

"You told him?"

"He asked about my visit with you and I lost it. He knew, Rile, he knew I'm still in love with Edward. He knows I'm not happy."

"Aw, angel, what happened?" His fingers were back in my hair, his face only inches from mine, studying me.

"He told me to go to Edward," I sighed.

My eyes were still red and swollen from the tears I'd shed all night. After our talk outside, Peter had led me up to his room where we both stripped and got into bed. There was no sex, barely any kissing, but there was a lot of tears, a few whispered words of love and two bodies touching from head to foot. Sleep didn't happen for either of us, and we opened our un-rested eyes in the same position we had closed them in. There was no shower together, no breakfast. There was Peter on the computer in his office as he booked a flight for me. There was me watching him do it and answering his questions as he booked a car to pick me up. When he asked where I needed the car to take me, I was embarrassed that I didn't know. He asked for Edward's last name, his eyes narrowing when I told him.

"Cullen?" he asked. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He shook his head, like he was trying to clear it, and then searched for Edward, finding an address for the car to take me to.

"That's C. Cullen," I said, pointing to the screen.

"It's his father's," he assumed.

My things, all the clothes that Peter had bought for me, were already packed and sitting by the door when I walked out of it to get into Peter's car to see Riley.

"And you are…" Riley muttered. "You're leaving."

Holding his gaze, I nodded. "I have to, Rile. I have to see him. If…if he doesn't want me, I'll be on the next flight back, I swear. Then you and I are getting a place together."

"Angel, you know that won't happen."

"Why not?"

"Because there's no way he won't want you. He's waiting for you, don't you know that? He's been waiting since you didn't show up," he replied like I should have known all along.

We were silent for a long time. My eyes held his and I saw a new peace in his chocolate brown I'd never seen before. It was like he was…free.

My whore was free.

In those flecks of amber and gold and wood, I saw a new boy, one who was determined to make a new life. One who believed everything he was saying. He was showing me the new him. The new boy who had emerged from the cocoon of drugs. Riley had wings to spread, and the rest of the world better look the fuck out.

Riley was going to be okay, he was going to make it.

A few more tears escaped my eyes but he kissed them away before they fell over the round of my cheeks. I pulled his new body to me, burying my face in his neck, inhaling the scent of his clean hair and freshly showered body. The outside might have been more polished, but he was still my Riley on the inside, only free of drugs.

He was still my scarecrow.

The one I would miss most of all.

I had no idea how much time passed that we were outside in that chair, clutching each other for life as everything changed in a matter of a few hours. Finally, I lifted my head, no shame in my tear streaked face and kissed him.

"If I don't come back, Peter is going to take care of you. He's got a room at his house all set up for you, he'll get you back to school and get a job," I said as we broke apart.

"Don't take this personally, but I hope you don't come back," he smiled. "That man is F.I.N.E."

Drawing a small smile from me, he kissed me. "I'll see you soon angel. I promise I'll visit. You can't get rid of me this easily."

"Can't keep a good whore down," I said, quoting something he'd told me when I'd first met him.

"Fucking right. Hookers, whores, and best friends, oh my," he sang, then whispered, "Tell Beautiful I said thank you."

"For what?"

"For loaning you to me for a few months when I needed you most," he said softly, wiping a tear. "Now go before my eyes get all bloodshot from crying. It's not a good look for me."

"I love you, sweetheart."

"I know," he grinned. "I love you too."

Releasing my hair, he stood up and took my hands, leading me through the building to the front doors. Suddenly, he stopped in the lobby.

"Teddy."

"What?"

"Teddy. He's in my room, let me go get him."

"No." I yanked his hand back. "You keep him. You need him right now."

"But…"

"When you're done with him, you can send him to me," I compromised and he tilted his head, thinking about it. Finally he nodded and we went to the doors. The car sat idling for me out by the curb, the driver stood by an open back door.

"Nice ride," Riley said, motioning to it. "Is the driver hot?"

"Didn't notice."

"What kind of whore are you?" Riley gasped. He held my hands and looked up at me. "So I guess this is it, huh?"

I flung myself at him, wrapping my arms around his waist and burrowing onto the bend of his neck.

"I can't say goodbye," I sobbed. He clung to me, holding me to him every bit as tightly as I was him.

"Me either," he murmured in my ear. "But goodbye doesn't mean forever. You know no matter where you are, you still have my heart, angel. Go to him. Be his air again and let him breathe."

Forcing my head up, he kissed me. Hard and soft, eagerly and regretfully, passionately and lingering. Our tongues met and retreated and met again. Finally, he loosened his hold on me.

"Go before I change my mind," he whispered in my ear. "Thank you for being my best friend. I love you, angel. Go find your happily ever after, live it for the both of us. You deserve it."

Nodding, I wiped the tears from his cheeks, kissed him one last time and then pulled away, holding his hand for as long as I could as I descended the stairs to the car. Our fingertips lingered on each other until I took that one last step and separated from Riley.

With a wet face, I walked to the car. The back door was opened and waiting for me. I turned to Riley one last time before getting in, giving him one more chance to stop me.

He didn't.

He nodded and mouthed, "Love you."

"Love you too, sweetheart," I murmured so quietly I was sure he didn't hear me.

In the car, I stared and waved out the window as we pulled away, leaving Riley standing on the steps alone.

Without me by his side for the first time in two years.

I didn't see anything through the tears as the car went through the city, eventually pulling up in front of Peter's. He was on the porch with my bags by his feet. Lifting them, he carried them down the steps to the car. The driver got out and opened the trunk. I heard the thump of my bags as they were put inside, then my door opened and Peter got in next to me. Seconds later, we were on the highway heading for the airport.

Peter's hand was in mine the entire way.

The airport was crowded when we arrived. Parking, the driver got out and opened out door before popping the trunk and setting my bags on the curb.

"I'll wait in the car," he said.

"Let's get your bags checked," Peter said, picking one up.

"I can do it," I replied with confidence I didn't have.

"I know you can, but I want to see you off."

I picked up my other bag and let him led me through the maze of people to the counter where we showed my ticket and ID and they took my bags. My duffle bag, without Teddy, remained on my shoulder.

"Can you get to your gate okay? It's about half way down that hallway. If you have any problems, ask someone," Peter said, still taking care of me.

"I will."

He stopped in front of the security I was going to have to go through. "This is it. I can't go past here."

Without asking, I threw myself at him, knowing he would be there to catch me because that's what Peter did.

He caught me.

My arms wound around his neck, toying with his hair as I pressed my lips to his one final time. Strong arms embraced me around my waist, holding me to him as he returned my kiss with equal fervor. It was everything a kiss should be, it was our past and our present. It was full of love and all that we had shared with it.

Tearing my lips from his, I hugged him. "Take care of Riley for me, please."

"I will, I promise. He'll be fine. He's a strong boy," he vowed as he forced some space between us. "Now go. Let me know when you've landed. You've got the address of the office building, Cassie already set everything up, just call her once you're settled and let her know where the driver should pick you up. Your office will be ready when you get there. If you need anything, I'm only a phone call away."

"Thank you, Peter. Thank you for everything, I don't know where I would be without you, I probably wouldn't even be alive," I said softly, looking right into those beautiful eyes that rivaled the colors of any ocean.

"You're welcome."

Pulling him back to me, I crushed my lips to his before moving mine to his ear. "I do love you," I murmured.

I felt him nod against me. "I love you too, Jasper. Always."

Releasing him, I took a step backwards, holding his gaze for a few seconds before turning and making my way through security. Once I was on the other side, I picked up my bag and turned to look for Peter, expecting him to be gone.

But he wasn't.

Standing with people between us, he gave me one last smile and a wave. The only thing that gave him away were the tears rolling down his face.

My body was wretched with pain as I stared at him until it was time to walk away.

To walk to Edward.

Once I finally had the strength to turn, I was sprinting down the wide corridor. If didn't run from Peter, I knew I wouldn't be able to leave.

"**~~**"

"Can I get you anything, sir?" the flight attendant asked as she stood next to my seat in first class.

Looking up at her, I shook my head. "No, thank you," I replied.

She gave me a polite smile and moved to the person behind me. Resting my head against the seat, I let it loll to the side and looked out the tiny window next to me. We were above the clouds that normally hovered over Seattle and the sun was shining brightly. It was faint, and maybe entirely in my imagination, but I swear in the distance I saw a rainbow.

For the first time in months, I smiled.

And meant it.

"*~~**"

Thanks for reading~

Hardest chapter ever…

One more and the epilogue.