A/N: While I kept Sarek's first wife's name, I am rejecting the rest of the novelization of her character and going for a slightly different angle. So...throw out all that stuff about Gol from Sarek the novel and start from scratch.

Amanda took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and put her left foot down. Thirty seconds later, when the ground remained stable and no voices started shouting, she opened her eyes and stepped slowly forward the rest of the way.

For the first time since coming to live with Sarek, Amanda Grayson was outside the clan compound. And she was alone.

Amanda shook herself. She was being ridiculous. Visiting T-Lar was by no means a high adventure. Sarek knew she was going. T-Lar was expecting her. And the public transit pick-up was only steps outside the compound gate. In the three weeks since her first press conference T-Pau had run nearly every Federation reporter off the planet. She was safe.

The transit pick-up was empty at this time of day, it being nearly midday, and Amanda had the bench to herself as she waited, the canopy protecting her from the harsh sun and the veil she'd put on blocking the blowing sand. While most would consider the hefty fabric of the Vulcan veil to be a symbol of repression, Amanda knew better. Life in Shi'Kahr made it a practical everyday item. While the larger cities had shielding in place to block the whipping sands, the smaller village where Sarek's clan had made their home had never adopted the modern devices. Centuries before, they'd made the decision to keep the village historically pure, at least architecturally, and that meant the old-fashioned high walls that kept the worst of the sands at bay. But on high wind days, like today, a good amount would still be kicked up and Amanda had taken out the gray veil accordingly.

The transit was on time, of course, and Amanda stepped into the airbus and took a seat in the middle. She had nearly an hour's ride to get to the neighboring town in this weather, their speed compromised by the blowing sand. Sarek had said there would be a full-blown storm soon, the first of the dry season. Amanda didn't relish the thought. During her time at the Academy she'd witnessed a Vulcan sand storm as it raged outside the Academy's shields. Her advisor had claimed it could strip flesh from bone in seconds. The storms around Shi'Kahr were legendary and generally much worse than the one Amanda had glimpsed from the protection of the larger city.

The handful of Vulcans on the transport eyed her discretely, but no-one was rude enough to question her. Not for the first time, Amanda sent a silent thank -you to the Vulcan ancestors that had first enacted the intense privacy mores of the culture. While clearly problematic in some regards, it was one of the few things that made the current situation bearable.

Earth was in an uproar over her marriage. The Allocations system and the charges against her were turning into mere footnotes next to the Pandora's box of a human woman marrying outside the species. Amanda was certain it was some evolutionary hold over from the reptilian part of the human male brain, but a good number of Earth's citizens took her marriage as an attack. There were pro-Earth groups springing up, vowing to protect human women from the "ravishings of alien men". It if it wasn't so dangerous it would have been hilarious. Vulcans considered Amanda a seductress and the humans placed the blame on Sarek.

Amanda pulled her veil tighter and leaned back into the seat.

After the press conference had come a string of private interviews, all carefully selected by Adam. Then there was the representative from 23rd Century Fox wanting to buy the movie rights...Sarek's eyebrow had been stuck near his hairline for nearly the entire hour the man had attempted to sell them on the idea. After that came the "official" investigator from Earth.

Mr. Thompson was supposed to be investigating the charges against her. All he wanted was dirt on Sarek.

After that came a delegation from the Federation council wanting to discuss her status. Earth was trying to petition for her extradition, Vulcan was refusing, and the Federation Council was at a loss. She was technically now a citizen of both worlds and the law was not clear on which planet had the larger claim to her. By the end of the meeting, Amanda felt more like a piece of furniture being argued over than a sentient being. Adam hadn't helped. Once he was in full-blown lawyer mode Amanda hadn't been able to understand half of what he said. Inter-galactic law had never been her strong suit.

It had been months since she left T-Lar's house, she'd realized the night before, and she'd barely had any contact with her friend or her family. It was as if she'd fallen into a vortex and suddenly only Sarek existed. Now that she'd realized how long it had been, Amanda felt guilty for not checking in. Sevok was still grieving and T-Lar was still getting used to being in charge of the clan. They could have used her support. But she'd been too busy with reporters, Sarek's pon farr, T-Pau's constant hounding for more information, and the mess with Smidler to even make a visit.

Things were finally starting to calm down and Amanda wasn't going to waste the opportunity. Between Adam and the press, knowledge of Smidler's connection to the pay allocation scales had become household knowledge. One by one the press were flushing out his co-conspirators and, like drowning rats, they had begun to turn on each other. If it hadn't been for her marriage, Amanda would have been out of the spotlight after all the ruckus they'd caused.

As it was, Earth's news stations were being their usual sensational selves and were focused more on her than on AllocationGate. Public opinion was divided over it and every news program had to rehash it on a nearly nightly basis. After T-Pau had ordered reporters off-planet, it had started to tame, but now the freelancers were finding ways past the Vulcan security net. Two house guards had even caught one trying to slip past the family sehlat - granted, it was less 'caught' and more 'rescued'...

Amanda shook herself out of her reverie as the airbus pulled up to her stop. T-Lar was working but she'd managed to get an hour off for lunch with her friend. Amanda was meeting her at the VSA before heading off to check in with Sevok at their home.

The graceful arches of the VSA hadn't changed in the years since she'd studied there. Amanda smiled as she drew the now unnecessary veil back off her head and let it fall about her shoulders. She'd always loved the architecture of the Academy and it felt wonderful to be back under its flying stonework.

The cafeteria had been re-painted a soft tan and there were new tables, Amanda noticed, as she took a seat and waited for T-Lar. The Vulcan woman arrived moments later and the two went to the food window to grab light lunches.

"Nothing much ever changes here, does it?" Amanda asked jokingly, as she shook her head at the purple soup she was handed. "You still don't have anything much to do with variety." The server in the window said nothing and Amanda sighed. "Right. Nutritious but never delicious."

"I would have thought you were used to it by now," T-Lar commented, as they found a table, "You are, after all, now Vulcan."

"Legally, not biologically." Amanda eyed the soup with trepidation. "Mind you, Varen who works in Sarek's kitchen can do wonders with this stuff, but no matter how much garlic you add it's still purple." Amanda scrunched her nose. "And humans don't eat purple food."

"Chive flowers are purple, T-Lar chided, "As are eggplant and some forms of rice."

"Have you been researching this just to try and get me to stop complaining about your planet's favorite dish?"

"Yes." T-Lar took a spoonful of soup up to her mouth and hesitated. "But you are correct in that the VSA's version is…" T-Lar took a sip from the spoon and sighed, "Rather bland."

"But with excellent nutritional content," they both muttered, nearly in sync.

Amanda giggled. "I missed this."

"I had assumed." T-Lar gave a light lift to her mouth. "At your suggestion to meet here, I made the assumption you were inclined towards nostalgia."

"It is close to where you work, you know." Amanda smiled softly. "And it's nice to be back here, even if it is just to visit."

"There is a position open in the linguistics department," T-Lar volunteered. "They are looking for an advisor to handle the influx of off-world students that have been arriving since the governing board decided to make more internships open to off-worlders. I believe you would be a good candidate."

"I turned my CV in last week." Amanda sighed. "But it's a long shot. There are only two non-Vulcan faculty members here in the entire Academy."

"But this is not a teaching position so much as an administrative one," T-Lar argued. "The classroom hours are minimal. You would mostly be overseeing cultural exchanges and making sure the incoming students are aware of the necessary information prior to beginning their coursework. I believe the Academy is looking for an off-worlder specifically for this role."

"But," Amanda frowned. "Sarek's job..."

"Is not currently an issue." T-Lar put her spoon down again. "With the current charges against you he cannot return to Earth. It is likely that even after this matter is resolved he will not wish to remain there for extended periods of time. Another has already been made ambassador to Earth. Sarek is now only responsible for his position as a Federation ambassador. This will mean less time away from Vulcan for you both and will allow him greater time with his son. It is my understanding that he already asked for this change prior to your marriage."

"He mentioned something about it but we haven't had a chance to sit down and talk about it yet." Amanda frowned. "That news only arrived this morning."

"I have my sources." T-Lar looked down and her finger rubbed the side of the spoon. "Amanda...I would like to discuss another matter with you."

Amanda looked around and noticed that they were nearly the only ones left in the cafeteria, the lunch crowd always being light and the hour growing later. "Yes?"

T-Lar took a somewhat unsteady breath. "You were indisposed for two weeks. May I assume..."

"It's complicated." Amanda pushed her empty bowl to the side. "And I've been meaning to talk to you about it, but with everything that's been going on I just haven't had a chance."

T-Lar looked up and then back down quickly. "You were injured?"

"Not really. A few bruises and a couple pulled muscles." Amanda smiled when T-Lar's gaze jerked back up. "Like I said, it's complicated. We didn't exactly follow the rules."

T-Lar's eyebrow rose. "Explain?"

"So, it started when I had this idea..." Amanda gave her story in a hushed voice, glossing over the part about T-Pau's book. T-Lar listened with widening eyes until Amanda shrugged and said, "And that's that. I got a clean bill of health, he's all back to normal, and life goes on for another 6.5 years before we have to worry - or at least that's the hope."

"This worked?"

"Quite well." Amanda smiled. "Although, T-Pau told me most Vulcan women wouldn't want to try it, I thought," Amanda trailed off and blushed. "Considering your, ah, difficulty I thought maybe you'd find it," Amanda bit her lip. "Interesting?" she offered softly.

"Interesting?" T-Lar leaned back in her chair. "This is a remarkable suggestion. If we could avoid the full progression it would mean," T-Lar's eyes grew bright. "It would mean very much to us both."

"So the time it takes and," Amanda searched for the right word, "…and everything - it wouldn't be prohibitive?"

T-Lar's ears turned green. "My husband is more inclined in this direction than most - or so I suspect. Were it left to him..." T-Lar trailed off before looking back down. "I would not have the same problem you did with the bond overwhelming me. I think," T-Lar shivered slightly. "I think I would find this option preferable." Her voice grew very quiet. "Normally, my bed is his whenever he wishes it. But we are very close to when it is customary for me to withdraw from him in preparation for his next Time. If I stay and continue to allow him access..." She stopped and fought for words, "He will question me at first but if this is a possible solution I do not think he will be opposed. The separation was very hard on him before."

"Talk to him about it," Amanda suggested softly. "Something tells me he'd try just about anything to keep from hurting you again. And I don't think…" Amanda placed her hand lightly over her friend's arm. "T-Lar, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think you can handle another trip to the cave."

The violent shudder that passed through the Vulcan woman was telling.

Amanda took another airbus from the VSA to T-Lar and Sevok's home. She was greeted warmly by the ever present children of the household and ushered quickly to Sevok's study. He'd moved out of the rooms he'd shared with his now deceased wife and into a smaller set of quarters closer to the gardens. The study had a large window that opened up into the enclosed space. Amanda knew that at night the scent of the flowering fruit vines would permeate the room.

Sevok had his back turned when she entered. She cleared her throat and he turned to see who it was. She had to control her gasp of shock at her first sight of his face. He was thin, the lines on his face nearly double what they had been the last time she had seen him. And from the way he moved it seemed as if he lacked any strength.

"Amanda," Sevok greeted, his hands going to grasp her upper arms as he would his daughter. "It is good to see you. You are well?" His voice, at least, was strong.

Amanda forced out a laugh trying to cover her worry. "I'm wonderful. Things are finally going our way with this Allocations nonsense. Adam tells me that they are about ready to drop the treason charges. Most of Smidler's associates have turned on each other. The ones that haven't are quickly doing what they can to distance themselves from this. The faster they exonerate me, the sooner the heat will die down and the less chance of anyone digging up their connection to this conspiracy."

Sevok nodded and let her go, motioning to the chairs that sat next to the window. "That is good. Sarek is formidable when he puts his mind to these things. With both Shras and Sarek on the same side such an endeavor was guaranteed success. It is rare that they fight the same battle but when it happens they do not lose."

"T-Lar told me that the Vulcan Council has agreed to Sarek's request to remain as Federation Ambassador only - at least for now." Amanda smiled gently. "So I guess that means I'm not going back to Earth for a while, even after this is all said and done. At least not for an extended stay."

"Does this bother you?"

Amanda frowned. "Honestly? I miss grass and lakes and blue sky," she paused to consider, "But I like it here too and Sarek really does need to spend some time with Sybok. T-Lar thinks I've got a shot at a position with the VSA, which I doubt, but if that doesn't work out I'm sure I can find something to keep busy. In all, I don't really mind. Sarek promised we'd go back for Christmas with Adam's family if this is settled by then. If not, we'll go next year. I want to take Sybok and show him around."

"He is a curious child. He would benefit from the trip. Have you been introduced yet?"

"Tomorrow." Amanda leaned back in her chair. "I'm a little nervous."

Sevok nodded grimly. "Children do not always accept change well. Sarek was gone much of Sybok's childhood. He may see your arrival as a perpetuation of this distance."

"I hope not, but there's nothing I can really do." Amanda sighed. "Sarek got word last week that Sybok failed out of the school he'd been going to. He's practically a genius according to the tests but it appears that he just won't accept their form of instruction. T-Pau offered to petition them to reconsider but I don' t think Sarek wants to use the clan influence that way. He's enrolled Sybok in the Shi'Kahr school - which is much smaller. Hopefully with the extra attention he'll settle down a little."

"Being at home with his father will likely help." Sevok made a small frown. "But I have never quite trusted the child."

"What do you mean?"

Sevok's frown deepened. "I do not know how to describe it, Amanda, but the child has a natural presence I find disturbing. Sometimes, when he looks at you, it is as if he is seeing more than others. It is said his psi ability is quite advanced. His mother was very gifted in this area and of another high ranked clan. T-Pau chose her for Sarek because she thought it likely they would produce a child of remarkable ability. I think perhaps she more correct than she knows."

Amanda now frowned. "You think he's dangerous don't you?"

"He is a child." Sevok let out a slow breath. "For now. And children must grow. I do not think he is a danger in his current state. But I have watched him since his mother's death. He does not grieve as a Vulcan would. He carries his pain with him and does not allow it to pass."

"Maybe he feels guilty." Amanda bit her lip. "Wasn't he with her when she died?"

"Yes." Sevok's eyes grew heavy. "It was unexpected and sudden. He was alone with her and was too young to carry her katra. He tried, young as he was, but he could not hold her. She was lost."

"That would do a number on anybody." Amanda looked down. "How exactly did she die?"

Sevok turned to look out the window. "Sarek and I were on a mission to broker for the release of hostages in the contested space outside Klingon territory. T-Sehl was with me, but Sarek asked T-Rea to stay on Vulcan. He thought the mission was too dangerous and he did not want to risk both their lives and leave Sybok without at least one parent." Sevok closed his eyes. "We were in negotiations with the Klingons when Sarek collapsed. We could feel his anguish, he was projecting it so loudly."

"I'm sorry to be asking you about this so soon." Amanda swallowed heavily. "But I didn't want to ask Sarek. He has trouble talking about it."

"With good reason." Sevok gave a heavy sigh. "I know now what it is he felt in that moment." He shook his head and continued on in a heavy voice. "T-Rea's clan had retained the ancient titles and by birth she was the youngest daughter to the matriarch. If you were to translate her title from ancient Vulcan, you would call her a princess, but she was by no means the heir. By choice she had become a priestess at her family's holy site. Both these titles afforded her a great deal of influence with her people. While Sarek's clan is from the deep desert and the mountains, T-Rea's clan is located in the greater northern regions where the climate is more temperate. Their practices and religions differ greatly from those of us that live in the red lands as they call it. They were the last to accept Surak and some say they have never fully embraced his teachings. T-Rea sought to change this and was using her influence to try and pressure her clan elders into adopting a more modern outlook.

"On the day in question, she had taken an anti-gravity car, intending to take Sybok to visit one of the more remote of the clan's holy sites -one reserved for members of the clan's ruling family. Power in the northern clans is strictly hereditary, unlike the rest of the planet, and T-Rea was forbidden to take Sarek into the site but their son, being born to the clan princess, was allowed. T-Rea thought that Sarek being off-planet made it an ideal time to introduce Sybok to some of the unique aspects of northern clan life.

"T-Rea's marriage to Sarek had been arranged in the hopes that it would pacify the more ardent Surak followers and convince them that the northern region was finally fully embracing the Disciplines rather than giving only surface compliance. Being the youngest daughter, she was considered somewhat expendable. T-Pau consented to the arrangement hoping that with closer ties to the rest of Vulcan the northern houses would loose the reputation of backwardness they have gained in the last few centuries. The region was once considered an oasis of art and culture - a place separate from the clan wars of the desert regions. Before Surak, to be from a northern house was to be high born."

"And now they're the backwater hicks." Amanda supplied. "There's a girl at the house, Varen. She's from up there and the other's all treat her like she's retarded. But she's really just a little less...reserved."

Sevok nodded. "They do not emphasise the Disciplines to the same degree and, as a result, they do not generally send their children to the better schools and they rarely hold high position within the planetary government. They retain their clan seats on counsel but little else."

"So T-Rea was going to show Sybok where she grew up?"

"Yes." Sevok turned back to the window. "Keep in mind that T-Rea had turned her back on most of her people's customs. She had worked hard to acquire the Disciplines as a child, often learning on her own what our children are guided through. I often suspected this was to some degree due to her bond with Sarek. She was strong enough telepathically that she was most likely able to feel his early attempts at meditiation through the base bond. When she was old enough, T-Pau brought her to Shi'Kahr and over saw her training personally. It was then that the northern girl named Realris became T-Rea."

"She even changed her name?" Amanda shook her head. "She really did turn her back on them."

"Not entirely." Sevok leaned forward slightly. "She still held a high position within her clan, being both a daughter of the matriarch and a priestess. She continued to try and influence the clan at every gathering and with Sarek's help they offered scholarships to any children from the clan that wished to attend the VSA - provided they passed their entrance exams. While the north is the primary provider of healers and the area is still considered the seat of learning for that art, their schools are not capable of giving young scientists in the other subjects the necessary background. They only retain their reputation for the highest quality healers because a certain amount of empathy is important in that role. Northerners find this easier than many that have embraced a more rigid interpretation of the Disciplines.

"A problem arose because a certain number of her clan thought that by offering the scholarships she was helping to steal the clan's children and deliver them to a rival clan. Sadly, none of us thought that such a mentality could still exist so many years after Surak. T-Rea and Sarek had never even entertained the possibility that their actions could be considered a threat to her clan. They only wished to offer more opportunities so that her people would not be so isolated."

"Oh my god." Amanda's hand flew to her mouth. "You aren't saying what I think you are saying, are you?"

"Someone sabotaged the aircar. They were well over the northern ocean when the engine failed and the craft lost altitude. And, while by Earth standards, Vulcan's one ocean is nothing more than a good sized lake, it is still more than capable of drowning a victim." Sevok shook his head sadly. "When the aircar hit the surface it crumpled the front end. T-Rea was pinned inside the wreckage and Sybok could not free her. She knew she was going to die and tried to pass her katra but was unable. She ordered Sybok into the water and told him to swim away and not look back. Sybok was barely five years old.

"The rescue party found him alone, desperately treading water, and staring at the wreckage, not 10 minutes later. By then the aircar had already filled with water and started to sink - and T-Rea was dead."

Amanda hugged herself tightly. "Did they find out who did it?"

"Her brother."

"Her..." Amanda shivered. "What happened to him?"

Sevok closed his eyes briefly. "He was banished from Vulcan. His bond with his betrothed was broken by the high-priestess and all ties with our people were severed. Not even his own mother could understand his actions. Not once did he deny his guilt, claiming even as he was loaded into the shuttle headed off planet that what he had done was for the good of the clan. I have always hoped it was his youth speaking, but I think he believed it to his end. It is my understanding he was killed a year later over a gambling dispute. He'd tried to count cards and the human he was playing against didn't offer second chances."

Amanda took a shaky breath. "But the rest of his clan? They don't still think Sarek's out to steal their children do they?"

"No." Sevok shook his head. "The few who did were so shocked by the crime that they dropped any discussion of such an intent. The situation was aided by Sarek agreeing to allow Sybok to remain with his mother's clan for training as a healer. Now that this has changed there may be a few who question Sarek's intent, but I doubt anything will come of it. The event is such a dark stain on the clan's consciousness they will seek to remove any hint of similar thoughts or action." Sevok steepled his fingers. "The serving girl you spoke of was the murder's betrothed. She was disgraced by her would-be-bondmate's actions and had few prospects in the north. As a sign of healing, T-Pau agreed to betroth her to one of her clan's sons. It is unfortunate that the girl is now twice widowed before she is ever married."

"Twice?" Amanda's eyes widened. "Sarek told me she was betrothed to an aide, but he didn't say it was Sartok. What happens to her now?"

Sevok shrugged. "She must wish to remain with Sarek's clan as she is still in his house. She is free to chose her own path now. With her first betrothal she was given to T-Rea's clan. With her second she was given to T-Pau. Knowing T-Pau she will not force a third betrothal on the girl. Even though the bonds were not fully develeoped, the loss of two in such short a time would be devastating."

"She wanted to talk to me." Amanda confessed quietly. "I just haven't had the time."

"She knows you carried Sartok's katra," Sevok said gently, "She may ask for a meld, to see hints of him that may be left. It could help her heal."

"I can't even imagine." Amanda shivered again and then pursed her lips. "We haven't talked about you, Sevok. How are you doing?"

"I would think it is somewhat obvious." Sevok shifted to look back out the window. "I am," he paused and let out a slow breath, "adrift." He closed his eyes. "For over two centuries she was with me, parted from me but never parted. Now, now we do not touch and I find there is no way to heal this wound."

"Oh Sevok, I..."

"Hush." He turned back and gave a small tiny Vulcan smile. "I live and I am assured that in time I will not feel as though I walk through quicksand. I grieve, in the Vulcan way, and I accept. I know T-Sehl is not gone, that what she was, is preserved. The grief grows more manageable with every meditation. It is only," his voice cracked slightly, "I miss her."

Amanda leaned forward and squeezed his arm. "We all do, Sevok. We all do."