Chapter 38: Back To The Meadow

Edward had slowed down and we rolled to a stop in almost the exact same place that my truck had broken down. He put it in park but didn't turn off the ignition. I was considerably nervous. Jake words were echoing in my head.

He could have killed you at any second today!

I forced myself to look over at Edward to see him peering at me with a puzzled expression. I looked in his eyes and saw they were slightly more golden in the middle then I remembered them being earlier. He must have fed.

"You are not comfortable with this, are you?" He whispered. I took a deep breath and said,

"I'm just... I'm afraid."

"Of me." He said, and looked away, but I hurriedly corrected.

"No! I'm afraid... Of the forest. Of getting lost. I'm just.... Scared." I shrugged my shoulders to try and hid my shivering. I felt like I was losing control of my emotions, everything was getting to me too much. I shouldn't be so effected by being out here with him.

"Do you feel this way because I left you in the trees?" I closed my eyes but the tears began leaking out regardless.

"Yes!" I couldn't hold back my sob, nor the flood of words that escaped me. "I went after you! I screamed your name! I looked for you... Then when I realized that you really were gone... That I was all alone out there... I just wanted to disappear. I've felt lost ever since." I took a moment to breathe and he took advantage of my silence and said,

"You weren't alone." I looked at him in shock. He was gazing at me with a sad smile on his face as he explained, "It never occurred to me that you would try to follow me... I guess that shows how little I know you. But I stayed around you the whole time you were stumbling through the forest. It was a few of the most agonizing hours of my life." I shook my head in disbelief.

"You mean you were there? You heard me?" He turned his body to face me and began trying to explain.

"I had assumed you would go inside! When you ran further in, I couldn't just leave... What if you got lost? You certainly weren't paying attention to where you were going. I had to make sure you were safe. I kept my distance from you, watching you fall then get up and keep going, only to eventually not get up at all. I was a step away from reaching you when I realized it was too late. I had already done this, and I couldn't go back. I stayed hidden until Sam found you, then I left. But Bella, I promise I won't leave you out here. Do you trust me?" I looked away from him, and out of the rain streaked window.

"I don't know. I'm so confused when it comes to you..." I admitted.

"Well, at least I know how that feels." He replied. I smiled a little at him, since he had me there.

"Bella..." The way he breathed my name made me shiver again, "Please, come with me. To Our Meadow." He sounded so enticing, and I wanted to give in.

"It's raining." I pointed out.

"I brought a tent. It's small, but it will keep you dry." Damn. He thought of everything. "But we can stay in the car, if that's what you want." I nodded. I felt safer in the car for some reason.

"Lets stay. For now. If the rain stops we'll go." I promised. He gave a half smile. I was at a loss for what to say, and it was beginning to feel uncomfortable to have him staring right at me. I blinked then I felt his cold hand on my cheek before I could even open my eyes. When I did, his face looked unmasked for once. All of his emotions seemed to be showing, instead of being hidden. His voice was as smooth as honey, and he was slowly getting closer to me.

"So strong, and full of life. So beautiful." He said, his eyes boring down on mine. I closed my eyes again.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I whispered. I didn't even mean to say that out loud, but he heard. He didn't retreat as he said,

"Because I'm a disgusting, undeserving, cold hearted bastard. Because even though I have royally screwed up everything that could have been between us, I can't stop myself from trying to salvage something from the wreckage. Because I am completely and irrecoverably in love with you." He slid his hand to the back of my head and tilted my face up to look at his. The hole in my chest that I had been ignoring for so long seemed to knock the wind out of my lungs as it resurfaced with a vengeance. "Look at me!" He demanded. I looked, and I lost myself in the sheer beauty of his face. "What we have is rare Bella. This is the stuff fairy tales are made of... Or some twisted variation of one... I think you know what I mean when I say what we have is true love! I know you feel it, Bella. Feel it!" He half screamed at me and I tired to pull away, but I was locked where I was. My heart was pounding and I felt scared again.

"Edward!" I gasped, and he suddenly released me and turned away from me, hiding his face. I swallowed and decided to push him, even though I knew I shouldn't.

"You speak of 'true love,' but who is the judge of whether the love is true or not? I did love you Edward, I truly and honestly and completely loved you. My love is true... But all the loved turned out to be ammunition, and you used it all against me. How can you say your love was true? You broke the one unspoken rule of love. You said you didn't love me, and you left me, broken and absolutely alone." He whimpered and he curled into himself, but I didn't stop. "Despite all of that, I still love you. I think I always will. But what happened... When you left... It made room in life, and whether I liked it or not, in my heart also, for something else wonderful and beautiful that I could orbit around. For my Sun. You brought Jake into my life, even if it was accidental." He rested his forehead on his steering wheel, but he didn't make any more noise. He just listened, and I just talked. "And this is where I can prove to you that my love for Jacob is real and true. I will never betray him. I will never hurt him. I will love him until the day I die." He covered his face in his hands and moaned something that I couldn't understand. When he looked at me, it was with a slightly deranged facial expression. I was beginning to feel guilty until,

"But he is wrong for you, Bella!" I flared back up.

"How can you say that? He is the reason I am better! You've read his mind, you know what he thinks and what he feels. Answer me this; How does he really feel about me?" He stared at me. "You have to answer every question I ask you honestly. You promised." I reminded him. "Tell me."

"He truly does love you." He tried to reel in some of his emotions, and he sounded detached as he continued, "He is determined to be with you, would do just about anything to be. He reminds himself always not to take you for granted. If you were going to be with anyone other then me, he'd be your best bet. But you don't have to bet anything, not when you have something real." He made eye contact with me again, and he sounded more sincere. "I know I'm not the light of your life, but I can be your Moon. I can protect you and light your way when it's dark, because I will never sleep and I will never leave you ever again. I revolve around you." He never looked away from me and smoothly changed the subject, like he didn't want me to reply just yet, "It stopped raining." I looked and saw that he was right. He spoke softly, "I won't ask you to do anything you don't want to do. I will just beg for a chance. For you to come with me." He opened his door and stepped out and stood at the back of the car, facing away from me. He was leaving the decision up to me.

I took a deep breath and looked down at my cell phone. It had been almost a full hour since I left Jake, and he was surely awake by now, and getting really worried. I wondered why he hadn't called me yet. I could either ask him to take me home, or I could go with him to that scared place. I was afraid of what might happen if I went, but I was also afraid of not knowing. It was obvious he had more to say, but was there anything he could come up with that would change my mind about Jake? I was sure that it wasn't possible. I decided I had come this far, I needed to just ride it out and prove to him, Jake, everyone, once and for all, what my choice was. I got out of the car and walked towards him and said,

"Lets go." He looked at me curiously but didn't question me. He held his arms out, but I shook my head and said,

"Oh no, no running. We can go the slow way. My way."

"That is fine with me. This way." He said and he took my hand in his cold and hard as steel grasp and tugged me along. He seemed determined to have some physical contact, and how could I stop him? When our hands wrapped together so perfectly? When it was abating some of the pain that I had been carrying around in the center of my chest? I tired not to think about it, but it was all there was to think about. As we cut our way through the greenery, he began talking. "You know, I spend most of my time there, thinking of you. It's the one place where I can be at peace. The one place I feel close to you. Do you remember when we came here?" I scoffed at him.

"Like I could ever forget something like that. Though, after you left, I did start to worry that I had imagined it all. I mean, how could any of this... Vampires, werewolves, how can this be real?" I asked rhetorically, then continued. "Even though you said it would be like you never existed, it never was. You were always in my heart."

"Why did you let me out?" He asked. He was looking right at me, but wasn't even breaking his step. I glanced at him, but kept my eyes on the ground.

"I didn't. You are still there, you just don't dominate it anymore. You and Jake share it." I tried to explain how I felt, but it sounded sort of wrong. "It's just, I love you both. I can't help it. I love you both." I said with a shrug, like that was the only possible words in the English language to explain.

He didn't say anything for awhile, we just walked on faster, with my hand wrapped in his. It was almost twilight, and as the trees became denser, it got darker. There were no other sounds around us, other then the sound of my footsteps and quick breathing. After about two miles or so I had to stop and lean against an enormous Douglas Fir so I could catch my breath.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked, and he sounded concerned. Such a fragile little human. I shook my head to get rid of that thought.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just haven't done any hiking lately." I said with an attempted smile. He walked forward slowly, and even though I had been slowing down my breathing and my heart rate, it sped up as he got closer. When he was standing in front of me, he reached out, but before touching me, he said,

"May I?" I blinked as his breathe fanned across my face, and I felt a little intoxicated as I replied,

"Yes." Even though I wasn't sure what I was allowing him to do. He didn't need to be told twice though, because he closed the gap between us and eased me off the ground and into his arms. My head was swimming. One hand was at my lower back and the other cupped my face. It was already getting chilly, and I could feel his iciness seeping into me, making me even colder. He moved his head closer to mine and right when I felt his lips brush faintly across mine, the world seemed to implode and explode all at the same time, spinning in a vortex with us at it's center. A wind fiercer then what had just been blowing through the trees whipped around us and I could feel my hair flying around me. I clutched to Edward, holding myself up to him so I wouldn't be swept away in the current of the air. I was frightened and exhilarated, but it seemed like I would be okay as long as I held onto him.

Shock was the only adjective that could describe how I felt when he pulled our lips apart and I looked around. We were in the center of the meadow. Our Meadow. How many nights had I dreamed of this place? How many times had I wished to be back here with Edward? And now I was. I buried my face into my hands and wept. Edward held me close to him, but I didn't find any relief. I felt like I was suffocating. Like I was drowning. I was panicking. I backed away from Edward but I regretted it when I felt a wave of vertigo wash over me, and before I could stop them, my knees gave out from under me. Edward caught and gathered me in his arms, and even though he was making it worse, I curled up into him, seeking some form of comfort.

"Shh, shh, don't be upset." He crooned, and then started humming my lullaby. I cut myself off mid sob, just so I could let my ears bathe in the beautiful sounds he was purring into my hair. I could feel the vibrations from his vocal cords humming in his hollow chest, and the absence of a heartbeat had never seemed so blatantly apparent before. But I let him hold me. The sick, masochistic side of me wanted this. Edward stopped humming, but even when he was speaking it sounded so musical that I hung on his every word, not missing one.

"Let us pretend it is only you and I in the world right now. That is how it is for me. This is Heaven." He dropped a kiss on the top of my head and I stifled my sob with his chest. I raised my head up and he said, "I have to know... What are you thinking?"

"That it's not that easy. I can't just shut everything off like you can! Love isn't an on/off thing for me!"

"Nor is it for me! I have already told you I never stopped loving you! I just wanted to save you my self and my world. This is not for you..." He broke off, and I could see that same look creeping into his features, that same one he wore on his face the day he left. With strength I didn't know I possessed I pushed him away from me hard enough to send myself flying backwards, landing on my bottom. He had swayed back some, but I think that was just in shock on his part.

"Don't you dare..." I said quietly, to show him I was dead serious. "Don't you even think of bringing me all the way out here just so you can remind me of all the reasons why you think we shouldn't be together."

"That's not what I was saying... That was before."

"Before what? Before I decided to marry Jake?" I jabbed the question at him.

"No. Before that. It was when you came to our house. When you got me to play... I realized that I couldn't go on without you after all. But I didn't want to cause you pain, so I punished myself, told myself I deserved every ounce of pain I felt because of all the wrong I had done by you. I still decided to leave you alone. Part of me hoped you would seek me out. But you never did." I could hear him asking why.

"Because you were too late." I said, truthfully. He closed his eyes briefly but opened them and kept them fixed on me. He had a bitter smile on his face.

"Better late then never." I shook my head.

"What exactly are you asking me to do? What do you want from me?" I asked, trying to just get to the point. It was dark and cold, and now my butt was wet. I stood back up, ignoring his out stretched hand as he said,

"I just want to have a place in your life. Somehow. Somewhere."

"Okay, well, all I can give you is friendship."

"I'll take it. Just as long as you know that I love you and will continue loving you, no matter who you decide to marry." He said softly. I said,

"There was no choice to it! I only had one offer and I took it. It's not like I had any other options." I said, throwing it all in his face. I knew I was being vindictive, but it was making me feel a little better. Not really. This almost felt like Déjà vu.

"If I asked you to marry me, what would you say?" He turned the questions around onto me.

"I'd say no, because it's not like you thought it out. You are just asking me on a whim." I said, trying to hold together my composer.

He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small ring box. He opened it and I let out a small whimper. I closed my eyes to block it out. I didn't want to see what was inside.

"Oh no, not another heirloom." I breathed.

"No, it's not. I bought this. I was going to give it to you on your birthday, but it didn't happen that way. I was going to ask you to marry me..." I shook my head, and he didn't make sound as he approached me.

"Just look at it, you don't have to take it. I just want to show you." My curiosity got the better of me. I looked. And it was stunning. There were three diamonds imbedded into a thin sliver band. The center one was bigger and slightly raised above the two smaller ones on each side. My hand reached for it without my brain remembering telling it to. He held it out for me, and I stopped with my finger an inch away.

"I knew you would like it." He said, sounding slightly triumphant.

"It's beautiful." I whispered.

"It's yours." He whispered back. But I stepped away.

"No. How can you do this? How can you ask me to do to him what you did to me?"

"Because I don't care about him." He spat. Even though he was supposed to be honest, I didn't want to hear that.

"I do." I reminded him.

"Stop thinking about him! It's not about him, this is about us!" He said, I could tell he was losing control of his emotions just like I was. But I wasn't letting up.

"Wrong! This is about you and your regrets! What is in this for me? You are doing nothing but making it worse for me!"

"I can give you things that he can't." I laughed.

"Like what? Could you kiss me, passionately? Could you make love to me? Could we have children together? Could we build a life together? What can you give me that Jake hasn't already?" He was on me in a second. I felt like I was flattened between two glaciers as he pressed against me, pushing me into the cold soggy ground. He held my head to his and kissed me fiercely, but I wasn't playing the submissive any longer, and I kissed him back just to see what I could do to him. I put most of what I had into it, and I could feel him reacting. And he wasn't pulling back.

A voice in the back of my head was wondering if I had finally pushed him too far, but it was silenced when Edward pulled my lip into his mouth, something he had never done before. I fought back by sliding my tongue in along with it and we both moaned. I could feel things figuratively heating up, even though I was cold down to my bones. And Edward wasn't stopping. I put both of my hands on his face and pushed against him, trying to remind him to slow down. My body was going all haywire.

He slowed and lessened the intensity of his lips. I could feel his hands wondering around areas they had never explored before. I was surprised when he tore my shirt open as if he was ripping a piece of paper. He broke away and left me gasping for air while he took in my exposed flesh. He was reaching for me again and I put my arms up, hands splayed, but he captured them easily and pinned them above my head. I was officially no longer in control, and I was getting worried.

He crashed back down on me and I thought he was going to kiss me, but I was momentarily confused when he began grazing his face all over my skin. When I noticed he was sucking as much air into his lungs as possible, I understood. He was smelling me. That realization worked like a domino effect and I understood something else also. It explained why Jake used one of his hours. He was marking his territory. Now that I was thinking of Jake, tears sprung into my eyes. What was I doing to him? Edward started talking and he distracted me.

"Say my name." He said, "Say it." I shut my lips, and he asked again, "Please, Bella. Let me hear you say my name." His hand wrapped gently around my throat and I swallowed, but didn't say anything. He kept talking. "I can give you one thing he never can. Immortality." He seemed to drag the word out, make it sound so tempting. "I could make you like me. A Cold One. I could give you that. If you wanted it. Do you?" I gasped, and hated that I was crying again.

"I did..." I mumbled. I could feel his thumb rubbing over the pulsing artery on my neck and I trembled.

"Say my name... That's all I need." I could feel his name on the tip of my tongue like a finger on a trigger, but I bit down on it. Edward was using everything he had to sway me, and I still listened to what he was saying. "But if you do, you will be mine forever. You could never go back."

Back where?

Back home?

Back to Jake?

Edward moved in and placed his mouth right where he would need it to be. I could feel his breathing tickling my skin there and giving me goosebumps. But something was ringing in my ears. Something only I could hear, but I could barely make it out...

It was Jake's voice in my head.

"Come back to me! Promise you will come back to me!"

Before I even knew what I was shouting, I heard myself. "Jake!" It erupted from me like an explosion and I could feel the tearing agony ripping through my heart that making the choice caused, but it was nothing compared to the ripping I felt at my neck. I yelled out in pain. At first, delirium took over and I thought I had been bit, but the pain wasn't burning like acid and spreading in my veins. I felt something cold and wet drag across the painful place. Edward suckled at my neck and I mewled. When he let go I opened my eyes to see Edward licking his lips. He removed his hand and pulled himself off of me, while I felt at my neck. I realized it was his thumbnail that had pierced my skin, not his teeth. There was blood on my hand, and the coppery smell was making my head spin. Edward had backed about a foot away from me, and from what I could see, his eyes were jet black with a streak of red blazing around each pupil. He bowed his head, rather in shame or anger, I didn't know, but it seemed like I had finally convinced him that I wasn't going to pick him. I looked around, and despite the openness and the fresh air, I felt claustrophobic.

I needed to get out of here. I needed to be away from Edward.

I need Jake.

I made my way to my feet, and Edward looked up and held out his hand.

"Bella." He whispered. I shook my head and backed away.

"No. Leave me alone." There. I said the words. He would do whatever I asked of him. His arms dropped to the side and he looked like he was dying. He walked towards me, but I turned and fled, running as fast as I could for the safety of the trees. Funny, that now they felt safe, when before they were always so menacing. I glanced back at him before he was swallowed up by the trees and saw he was on his knees. The sight almost stopped me, but I stumbled along blindly, and was forcefully reminded of the last time I did this, and how different my feelings were now compared to then. There was no going back.

I ran in a straight line for a long time dodging trees and branches, until I tripped over a root and went down on all fours. I closed my eyes and listened to my ragged breathing, trying to force myself to slow it down. I tried to tell myself to just hold it together. Wait a little longer. Just make it through this and then it will be fine...

I prayed.

Please, just help me through this.

I forced myself to stand and looked around, looking for a trial, a sign, anything, to let me know where I was and where to go from here. There was nothing. I looked around again, and I heard myself as if from far away asking,

"Where? Where?" Something snapped to my right and I automatically took off running in that direction. I heard another noise a little to my left and I veered my course. I kept my hands out, grabbing onto limbs and tree trunks to help keep myself up, I didn't want to fall again. I was amazed when I stumbled onto a trail fell to my knees once again. I kept following it in the direction that I had been heading, and after what felt like several more hours of running and walking I emerged out onto the road about twenty feet from Edward's car. The driver side door was open and the car was running. It seemed he kept his promise, and didn't leave me out there alone. I didn't even look around for him as I made a bee line for the car, I just took my ticket out of there.

When I got in I saw the same small box Edward had showed me while we were in the meadow sitting on the dash in front of me. I picked it up and threw it in the passenger seat. I slammed it in drive and made a quick and well executed U-turn so that I was facing the right direction, then floored it. Now that I was driving I was faced with where exactly I was wanting to go. I wanted to see Jake most of all, but the box in the seat next to me kept drawing my attention. I didn't want it. It would only ever remind me of what I had turned my back on. I wanted to get rid of it, and there was only one place that came to mind, and it felt right.

Now that I knew where I was heading, I drove faster, and was shocked when the car consented without a hitch, unlike my truck, which would have shaken it's self to pieces at this point. I was thankful when I saw the turn off and made it back onto the highway. I glanced at the dash and noticed the time was late, almost Nine o'clock. I decided to call my place and see if Jake was there, and at least let Charlie know I was okay and would be home soon. I felt around in my pockets but realized I didn't have it. I must have lost it along the way. I cursed, but there wasn't anything I could do about it at the moment.

But looking for my phone reminded me of my appearance and I looked down at my ripped and bloodied shirt. I tired to look in the rear view mirror at my reflection, but had to adjust it so I could see, then pushed it away from me. I was a mess.

I finally felt a little hope when I saw the shoreline. There weren't many cars out and there were even fewer at the beach. I parked where Jake always does when he brings me out here and looked down at myself. I zipped up my jacket and brushed my hair back with my hands. I tried to wipe some of the caked up blood off of my neck but it was starting to make me nauseous so I stopped. After I had done all I could I reached over and grabbed the box then got out of the car and followed the path we sometimes took. My feet were aching and I felt exhausted but I ignored that. There were more important things to worry about right now.

I made it to the cliff top where Jake brought me the day he gave me his ring and I stood, looking out at the sea. The ring box was clutched tightly in my right hand, and I could almost feel the weight of all the lost promises, as if they were in there with the ring. It felt so heavy. I raised my arm to throw it into the ocean, but my head and my heart were telling me two different things. My head knew I needed to figuratively and literally let go of anything involving Edward, but it was easier thought then done. My heart was clinging to whatever it could, not wanting to realize it was already over. My own sob startled me, and I had to close my eyes for a moment to clear my thoughts.

Okay, breathe.

I tried to stop the flood of emotions that were attempting to drown me and listened to the waves. I felt the sea breeze blowing against my skin, and I could smell the slat in the air. After everything else died down, all I could think was one thing.

I wanted to try it on. I shook my head, as if telling myself no. I didn't need to torture myself anymore, but I wanted to see what it looked like. I looked down at my ring finger, where Jake's ring rested, and I felt even worse. I needed to get to him, quick. With my mind made up, I decided to quickly slip it on my other finger, just to see. It felt like cheating to take off the right one. I carefully popped the box open and I gazed at the sparkling beauty. My breathing was speeding back up as I lifted it out with the tips of my fingers. I closed my eyes as I slid it on, and was surprised to feel that it was a perfect fit. I opened my eyes and looked at it, and gasped. All the 'what if's' and 'could have been's' washed over me, and I felt like crumbling. I fell to my knees and held both of my hands up together, so I could see them both side by side. Both rings held such an importance to me. Both were opposites, just like the men who gave them to me, but neither was less valuable. But I could only have one. The weight of Edward's ring was bearing down on my finger until I thought I would scream if it didn't end. I jerked it off and flung it as hard as I could and as far away into the sea as it would go.

It seemed like that was the last string, and I shattered on the ground. I curled up in the sandy grass without even remembering laying down. I tried to cry it all out, but it just never seemed to stop. I clawed my way over to the edge so I could look down, as if I was hoping to see where it went. But now it was lost forever. Just like Edward was to me. I felt afraid, like I might suddenly tumble into the water below so I tried to stand, but my legs were so shaky I wasn't sure if I could. I was so high up, but I couldn't make myself look away. When I finally managed to drag myself up, I stood, gazing down still. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears, but it didn't help. I was about to turn and walk away when I felt like I had just been hit by a moving car. A hot solid wall slammed into my right side and flattened me to the ground. All the wind was knocked out of me, but the feel and smell of him was all I needed to know who it was and that I was finally safe again.

"Bella!" I opened my eyes and saw that Jake was searching my face. Beautiful Jake. He was panting. "Are you okay?" I nodded and I kissed him. His lips were surprisingly gentle and smooth. They warmed my chapped lips. He pulled back and ran his hand through my hair while he was still looking me over as is he needed to see for his self that I was really okay.

"Why did you tackle me?" I asked.

"Because I thought you were going to jump! You were so close to the edge!" He sounded almost hysterical. I was running out of energy and all I wanted to do was wrap myself up in Jake. He stood up and brought me with him. I didn't protest as he cradled my body in his arms. "Do you need a doctor?" he asked. I looked up at him and said,

"No, I'm fine. Just take me home. To our home. I just need to be with you..." I buried my face into his bare chest and balled.

"Okay, we are going. Don't cry, baby. Everything is going to alright, I promise." I nodded and knew that if he promised it, it would be true. I sniffled and tried to stifle my tears yet again. When we reached the cover of the trees I could feel him running faster, but not so fast as to scare me. His eyes pretty much stayed on me, he only occasionally looked to see where he was going. But that was fine.

Every thing was going to be okay.

Jake promised.