Published September 26, 2009

Tuesday October 23rd: Week 8, Day 37

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed.

"Shouldn't you be in court?" Marth asked. "You know, that huge trial that has been led up to for several days? The one that will determine your future? The trial that-"

"I KNOW WHAT TRIAL IT IS! It the one that I bribed. All you will be coming to it, especially you Mario," Ganondorf added, eying the plumber with a retracted pupil and bloodshot eye, insanity present in copious amounts. The eyes of a madman, the eyes of a psycho, the eyes of a Gerudo King with two mothers that are siblings and a complex that causes him to repeatedly kidnap a princess for little to no reason aside from sheer enjoyment, the eyes of a run-on sentence…

"Can I bribe you to not bring me?" Mario whimpered.

"No amount of money will be able to compensate for the pleasure that this will give me."

Mario was both curious and terrified. "I'm-a fucked."

"Yes you are my pipe crawling nemesis."

"Isn't he my nemesis?" Bowser asked. "You know, we do have a multi-dozen adventure history."

"NO! MY GRUDGE IS MORE AWESOME!" Ganondorf screamed, picking up Yoshi and snapping his back on his knee. "GLAD FOR RANDOM VIOLENCE!"

-Court-

"COURT IS IN SESSION!" Knuckle Joe screamed, kicking Ridley in the jaw. "The accused is accused of doing too many things for me to go through, you do it Ridley!"

Ridley was rubbing his lower jaw. "I'm not even an official, why am I here?" the space dragon asked.

"Fine, no charges read, you know he did a lot anyway! Murder, tax fraud, public nudity, those kinds of things. Meta Knight is his lawyer and Porky is the lawyer for society. It is said that world peace was created, all countries got rid of their weapons and hugged, having a tea party even and joining together in order to team up against their common enemy: Ganondorf."

"I feel special."

"SILENCE IN MY COURT! First, Porky will go."

"Thank you," Porky coughed. "Ladies, gentlemen, and various indescribably horrific individuals, I am here to prove that Ganondorf is guilty beyond reasonable doubt of the crimes that have not been listed."

"OBJECTION!" a crazy looking man yelled, jumping out of his seat. "OBJECTIONY-JECTION!" Knuckle Joe put his fist up the man's ass and out his throat before the incident could continue.

"Continue."

"Thank you. Ganondorf's main defense is that a time paradox clone is doing all of this stuff for him. This is false, and I will show you why."

"OBJECTION!" Ganondorf yelled. "You're about to get someone else to say something!"

"Shut up for a minute. I call the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to the stand!"

-Underground-

Snake kicked open the ventilation shaft's exit and dropped out. He landed behind a guard and grabbed him in a headlock. "Where's Liquid?!"

"Third door to the left!" the guard choked out before Snake knocked him unconscious.

Link opened the door that the guard had talked about to reveal Liquid Snake playing with a Superman action figure and a giant penguin doll. "'Oh no! This penguin is immune to all of my attacks!'" Liquid said in a deep voice. "'Caw! Caw!'" he added in a bird voice. "'I will have to call in some back up! Come Popeye!'"

Liquid grabbed a Popeye action figure from the floor. "'Ima kivickia yo aliass shithead!'" He kicked over the penguin with Popeye. "'Good job Popeye, the world is safe once more.'"

"The Clones of Big Boss," Link said heroically. "Don't you feel so proud to be near identical genetically?"

"Is that a Popeye action figure?!" Snake asked, shocked at his brother's possessions. "I can't believe that you got a hold of one of those!"

Link sighed. "Stupid Link, they're brothers, of course they'll both like Popeye."

-Court-

"Thank you Stay Puft Marshmallow Man," Porky coughed. "As you can tell, this evidence clearly shows that there is no time paradox clone of Ganondorf running around."

It was soon Meta Knight's turn. "Ladies, gentlemen, and Zero-Two, I am here to prove that my client is indeed innocent of all of the charges aside from the ones that he has openly admitted to."

"So four of them?" Wolf asked from the side.

"Yes. First, I would like to point out that Ganondorf is a very nice person, he would never… ha ha, ever do a bad thing to anyone else…" Meta Knight snorted, fighting to hold back the laughter that was building up. "He would never bring harm to or deceive another person unless they really deserved it."

"LIKE MOST OF SOCIETY!" Ganondorf screamed.

Meta Knight ignored that. "Would a face like this really do all of those things?" He gestured to Ganondorf's insane, twisted grin that promised an eternity of suffering. "Then again, some people aren't good with smiles. I call to the stand Lucario!"

Lucario walked to the stand, sitting down and scratching the back of his head with a foot. "Why am I here?"

"Lucario, you know Ganondorf, don't you?"

"Yes… I do."

"How well do you know Ganondorf?"

"Not very… We met very… recently."

"Stop using ellipses. Anyway, what is your first impression of Ganondorf?"

A red dot appeared on his head. "Is that… a sniper laser?"

"Yes. Now what is your opinion of Ganondorf?"

"Which side is pointing this at me?"

"I'm not sure. Now do you like or hate him?"

The dot lowered to right between his eyes. "Well… Um… He's a unique case… Ganondorf is a very complicated man… He has his ups and downs like any normal person… No person is completely good… Nor is any person completely bad… I myself once stole ketchup from a baby but donated it to charity… You see-" Lucario ducked as a bullet flew right where he had just been. "I say nothing!"

"PUSSY!" Ganondorf mocked from his seat.

"You aren't helping my case!" Meta Knight whispered angrily.

"Yes I am. I showing my openness and honesty," Ganondorf said. "By displaying this and saying that I no do stuff, I look innocent!"

"That would work in theory, but- Stop flipping off the judge!" Meta Knight slapped his hand down. "Leave the law stuff to me, okay? Just stay here, be quiet, and please get rid of that bucket full of feces before you do what I think you're going to do with it."

"What do you think I'll do with it?" Ganondorf asked innocently.

"Just do it!" He turned back to the judge and jury. "We have shown that Ganondorf is a nice, honest man who would never… lie… about… Okay I can't do this anymore. Ganondorf didn't do that stuff, and we have proven why."

Porky took his spot. "I call to the stand the god of the universe, Tabuu!"

"Will you make any points without others saying things?" Ganondorf yelled.

"No," Porky coughed. "Tabuu, are time paradox clones possible?"

"No."

"I rest my case."

Meta Knight leaned over to Ganondorf. "They aren't buying it, we need a new plan."

Ganondorf delved deep into thought before standing up. "They say they have pictures. They say they have eye witnesses. They say they have DNA evidence. They say they have voice recordings of me saying it. They say they have absolute proof, and that this trial is unnecessary. But do they know of my evil twin brother, Dorfongan? I say that it is him doing all of this."

"Are you changing your story randomly halfway through the trial?" Porky asked disbelievingly.

"Yes. I just remembered him, he not a very memorable person."

"How stupid do you think we are?"

"Well that's all a perspective matter," Ganondorf said. "In my perspective, you are very stupid."

In the seats, Mario was fidgeting. "He's going to do something, I know it."

"Oh calm down," Marth said. "It's not like he's going to take out his sword, lunge into the crowd and stab between your ribs. We're in public after all."

"I don't know," Roy added. "Remember that weekend in the grocery store where Ganondorf drowned Mario in laundry detergent at the checkout counter because his groceries went over $5.50?"

Mario ducked below his seat. "We need to fix you eventually," Marth muttered.

"I like him better than earlier in the year," Bowser said jovially.

"You like everyone better," Fox said as he was recording the whole trial on his cell phone. "You're just a big softy at heart, aren't ya?"

Bowser slugged him across the face and set Falco on fire. "Who's a softy now?!"

"Fuck you!" Falco screamed jumping up and trying to put his feathers out. Knuckle Joe was behind him in an instant.

"SYAY SEATED IN MY COURT!" Knuckle Joe delivered a missile punch to Falco's spine, crashing him into the far wall. "Continue your argument men."

"Doesn't the judge usually defuse random arguments like this?" Kirby asked as Ganondorf and Porky continued to yell at each other.

"SILENCE IN MY COURT!"

"Why are we ninety percent of the audience for this?" Pikachu asked as he noticed this.

"Does it really matter?" Giga Bowser said, uninterested. "No one cares, how's that for an answer?"

-Underground-

"LIQUID!"

"How do you like Metal Gear Iron, BROTHER?" Liquid mocked as he got into the cockpit of the giant dick-robot.

"Liquid, get out of that walking embarrassment!" Snake ordered. "You're insulting out blood just by being involved in it!"

"Shut up brother, soon you will see the true ferocity of Iron!"

"Isn't iron a metal that's easily melted and pretty fragile?" Link asked from the side.

"This is why I brought you. Let's go Liquid, we're ending this here and now!" Snake took out his Stinger missile launcher. "How are you even alive in the first place?"

-Court-

"My brother does so exist! Here's a picture of us!" Ganondorf held up a drawing of two Ganondorfs standing beside each other.

"That's a drawing," Porky coughed. "A preschooler's drawing if my eyes are correct."

"We have a low quality camera, stop make fun of my poor family!" Ganondorf snapped.

"You're a king."

"Of a desert. Yippee, hooray for me. I feel so gifted." Ganondorf set the drawing aflame with his mind, incinerating it almost instantly. "Why haven't I done that to Mario yet?"

"Stop scaring Mario! It's getting annoying!" Jigglypuff yelled from the stands. Knuckle Joe decided not to attack the puffball as he had the rule: never attack those that are shorter than Knuckle Joe.

"Scaring Mario is awesome!" Bowser interjected. "Watch, BOO!"

"That wasn't scary."

"It will be when I tear off your ears and force you to eat yourself until you disappear into nothing!" Bowser growled. Ganondorf gave him a blank stare before returning to the matter at hand.

"Dorfongan does exist! There he is now, look!"

"Hey hey hey, I'm Dorfganon!" King Dedede said as he wore black armour and a red afro wig.

"That's King Dedede in black armour and a red afro wig," Porky coughed.

"No it isn't," Knuckle Joe argued. "Can't you see the genetic resemblance to Ganon?"

Ganondorf sighed. "Very well. I had lying up until now."

Meta Knight smashed his masked face against the wall.

"However, there has been reason for what I have done. For you see, my actions, though very good to myself, were for another's sake. The sake of another person who I have been covering and keeping safe this whole time. He is very important to me, and I did not want anything to happen. However, it appears that the time for truth is at hand. I cannot cover for him any further. And so, it is time for the revealing. Mario did it."

"HUH?!"

"I wanted to keep my student safe, but I can't. Mario did all that crap, blame him, give him the punishment, execute him if you want. In fact, execute him even if don't want. All crimes was done by him."

"W-WHAT?! Come on, that's stupid!" Mario screamed.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU MURDEROUS NUDIST!" Knuckle Joe screamed. "Continue Ganondorf."

"Thank you Joseph. Mario did all crimes and thanks to Photoshop made look like it was me. He used Italian Plumber Witchcraft to make people think it was me who did those things. I tried to protect him as his teacher, but you saw through it. So take Mario and castrate him instead."

"There was no castration involved with you," Porky coughed.

"Well castrate him anyway. The point is that Mario did it. End of story." Ganondorf nodded to the jury and sat down, a blank look covering his face.

"I see. Well this is quite the twist. So it was Mario all along…" Porky was contemplating this new revelation.

"You can't seriously believe him!" Mario yelled indignantly when he saw that everyone was starting to blame him. "He's just saying 'I give up, let's just blame Mario'!"

"He brought in valid information," Knuckle Joe said.

"That I have Italian Plumber Witchcraft? That's-a load-a crap!"

"Fireballs!" Ganondorf coughed.

"He's right," Porky coughed. "Everything is pointing at you Mario!"

"Nothing is pointing at me!" Mario defended. "Isn't this all hearsay?"

"Well of course we're hearing him say it," Knuckle Joe told him. "Don't act like we're idiots, ass!"

"I like this guy," Roy said. Marth gave him thumbs up, not caring at all. "Seriously, we should invite him to this year's Halloween party!"

"You coming to my house in a cow suit with Tales of Vesperia and passing out on the floor doesn't count as a Halloween party," Marth told him.

"You found it fun though, you can't deny that!"

"Yes, I can deny that! I'm pretty sure that you stole my house's southern wall at one point during the night."

"Nuh-uh!"

While these two argued, another argument was taking place involving Mario, Ganondorf, Porky, and Knuckle Joe. "And so, Mario is completely to blame," Meta Knight finished. Yes, he was in the argument as well. "I rest my case."

"I object to everything!" Mario yelled. "I was with my brother the whole time, right Luigi?"

Luigi's arm was sticking out of Wario's ass, trying to claw at anything it could. It soon stopped moving.

"Hmm… That's bad."

"Enough chatter!" Knuckle Joe screamed, punching his chair in half. "Mario, I declare you guilty of all the crimes that Ganondorf has been-"

"Hold it!" Everyone turned to the door, aside from Giga Bowser and Wario who were laughing at what had happened to Luigi. Standing in the now open doorway was a silhouette, the light behind it making it impossible to make out the figure.

"How ya doing Arceus?" Pikachu asked happily. Drama ruined.

"Fine… I come with new news! I know that's redundant so don't say a fucking word Young Link!" Young Link closed his mouth.

"Why art thou here?" Ike asked. Marth glared at him.

"You… are Ike."

"Thee hast established ye point within the previous fortnight, now silence."

"Ike…"

"Ignoring Marth, I am here with some new evidence that I had gathered over the last few days," Arceus said, walking over to the main part of the courtroom with several piece of paper floating around it. "The reason I'm so late is because I kept hitting red lights on the drive. It was bad luck. Anyway, my agent went undercover and got me recordings and physical records of Ganondorf trying to bribe him while openly admitting his wrongdoings. I will not divulge his name for his own safety-"

"WOLF YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG! I FIXED YOUR PLUMBING!" Ganondorf screamed.

"After you broke it!" Wolf snapped.

"I am liking where this is going," Majora said maliciously. "Soon I will avenge you Swirly!"

"Art thee sure that 'twas Ganondorf that thy hast information covering?" Ike asked Arceus. "He is quite fine in my opinion."

"Here is the evidence," Arceus said as its psychic powers placed the evidence in front of Knuckle Joe.

"Everything brings me closer Swirly… Look it over quickly, I want to sentence this asshole!"

"This is very convincing evidence. But it doesn't explain why Mario did what he did!"

Arceus was momentarily lost for words. "I… I'm pretty sure that that was a lie."

"Really?!"

"NO! IT TRUTH! DO NOT QUESTION ME! Arceus what the fuck are you doing getting in on this?!"

"On October 12th, my dreams were destroyed when Rayquaza told me that I was not in Brawl. It was that day that I learned of the highest officers of smash: Giga Bowser, Samus, Captain Falcon, and YOU. You stopped me from getting my dream, so I decided to get my revenge on the four of you. I saw that you were going to court and decided to-"

"I DON'T CARE! Now that court case fucked for me, I glad I can be normal again. MARIO, DIE!" He unsheathed his sword, lunged into the crowd, and stabbed Mario between the ribs. "That was good."

"Apprehend him already!" Arceus snapped at Knuckle Joe.

"Someone apprehend him!" Knuckle Joe snapped at the man to his left.

"Apprehend Ganondorf!" he ordered into a door. The T-1000 walked out, ready for combat.

Suddenly, Metal Gear Iron burst through the floor under the T-1000, killing it. "BROTHER!"

"Liquid where the hell are you going?!"

"A courthouse by the looks of things."

Link hopped out of the whole and Metal Gear Iron began to rampage inside the courthouse. "I'm out! I'm finally out! Marth, it's good to see you again!"

"Oh yeah, Link was missing wasn't he?" Marth reminisced, though he didn't really care that much about Link.

"I've been missing for days, hasn't anyone gone out to look for me?!"

"Well, we still had Young Link so I just figured that in seven years he'll be able to replace you," Marth said. "So no big loss."

"Dammit this is all fucked up!" Arceus screamed, watching as Metal Gear Iron broke down a wall.

"Bah, I could fuck this up more than that thing!" Ganondorf broke down two walls, causing the building to crumble and soon crash down on everyone inside. "That is how to fuck up a court case!"

"Dammit Ganondorf, stop killing people!" Zelda snapped. She had gone to buy some ice cream just before Arceus had arrived. Ganondorf laughed happily.

"NO! I'll kill you for this!" Arceus screamed, throwing large portions of the stone ceiling to the side and rising into the air.

"BRING IT ON BITCH!" Ganondorf roared.

While this fight started, Giga Bowser was beating the crap out of Metal Gear Iron. He kicked the cannon crotch, bringing the machine to its knees. "How do you have trouble with these things, Snake?"

"Well, I'm generally not their size and capable of physically fighting them, so yeah…"

Pit snaked his way out of the rubble, standing up and brushing a few stones from his clothing. "I wonder if this is even worth it," he asked himself.

"Of course not," Fox said from his left, somehow completely unharmed. "But it's so funny if you don't actually get involved in things."

"How are you fine?"

"I used Rayquaza as a meat shield. He'll be pissed as hell at me soon, but I couldn't care less right now."

"That's-a good," Luigi said as he approached them.

"Now how did you survive?" Pit asked.

"Wario got crushed by a big rock and it ejected me fast enough to smash through all the rubble," Luigi explained. "I can barely see straight and I'm not sure if I still have arms, but it could be worse."

"WAH!" Wario burst up behind him and ate Luigi in one bite, not even chewing.

"Okay things are getting a wee bit chaotic, I'm going home," Pit said.

"NO LEAVING!" Ganondorf screamed as he grappled with Arceus. "TWO PERIODS LEFT, GO BACK TO CLASS!" He grabbed Arceus around the neck and flipped him over his shoulder.

"Okay I'm gone," Fox said, turning to walk away. Pit, Young Link, Popo, Nana, and Wario followed.

"Good luck with the fighting Ganondorf!" Popo cheered.

"FUCK OFF!"

"You're quite the people person," Mewtwo commented from the sidelines. He had to dodge a piece of courthouse rubble.

"How long do you guys think that fight will last?" Pit asked his group as they all left. Waio stuck his finger into his nose and showed Pit what he could pull out. "Charming."

"I hope Ganondorf's okay," Nana said. "He's been so nice to us and I wouldn't want him to get hurt."

"Do not fear, Ganondorf is quite tough. I am sure that he will be fine," Popo exclaimed. Pit nodded slowly. He always ended up with the weird ones.

Meanwhile, Snake and Liquid were yelling at each other as Giga Bowser sat on the remains of Metal Gear Iron. The yelling was getting really annoying. "Shut up you two!" He smacked Iron and the missile launcher fired, hitting Liquid as he stretched out his right arm to punch Snake. Liquid exploded, only leaving his arm.

Rayquaza groaned, rising from the rubble. When Fox saw him looking around he swore and quickly hid underneath the out cold Falco. "What the hell just happened…? Wait a minute… FOX!"

"Under me," Falco groaned.

"Traitor."

"I GOT YOUR YELLOW THING!" they heard Ganondorf scream. Rayquaza turned and saw Ganondorf running away with Arceus' left protruding yellow thing. Arceus was faster though and quickly catching up. The moment Rayquaza turned Fox dashed in the opposite direction.

Arceus head butted Ganondorf in the back, knocking him down. Ganon dropped the yellow thing and rolled as Arceus tried to stomp on his head. He grabbed the foot and pulled the Pokémon, unbalancing him. As Arceus' head dipped Ganondorf kicked him in the face as hard as he could.

Arceus threw Ganondorf back with mind powers, but Ganondorf managed to take out his sword as he got up. "This sword will go UP YOUR ARSE! HA! It's funny because you're ARSE-e-us!"

"It's ARC-e-us!"

"They did not release official pronunciation fast enough. I say it like that for two years, it too late to change!"

"Don't you remember me telling you how it was pronounced last year?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf charged, swinging his sword wildly. Arceus suddenly became ghost type, and Ganondorf swung right through him. He immediately switched to fighting and kicked the Lord of Evil in the chest. "THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS!"

Ganondorf took out a second sword and charged again, moving to the side to avoid a kick and slashing at Arceus' side. Arceus blocked it with his remaining yellow thing and deflected the sword to the ground. Ganondorf let go of the sword and immediately punched Arcues in the side of the neck and stabbed his side. Arceus quickly teleported a short distance to recuperate from the stab wound.

"This is quite the fight," Arceus growled.

"I HATE IT WHEN FIGHTS STOP AND FIGHTERS TALK FOR NO REASON!" Ganondorf began to fire balls of dark magic at Arceus.

"FUCK!" Arceus began to breathe fire, cancelling out the magic balls until Ganondorf took out his machinegun that shoots full-length swords. "Where the hell did you get that?!"

"Snake!" Ganondorf answered before he opened fire. Arceus jumped behind a tree stump, hiding for cover. A cell phone floated into the air and dialed a number on its own.

"Hubert, I need help!" Arceus exclaimed desperately.

"I'm not talking to you anymore after you referred Marth here." Hubert hung up the phone.

"Crap." Arceus noticed his yellow thing lying on the ground a short distance away. He quickly ran out from behind his cover and kicked the thing toward Ganondorf. It spun through the air and split the gun in half down the middle.

"I EAT YELLOW CRAP FOR BREAKFAST! Seriously, I'm keeping this for tomorrow."

"Oh, you won't need it tomorrow. I'm going to kill you today!"

Ganondorf chuckled. "If I had a nickel for every time someone wanted to kill me. I need to charge people for getting chance to fight Great Ganondorf. I'll be rich!"

"Enough talk, let's go!"

"Fuck you, I want ten dollars for fight!"

"You can't charge people for a fight to the death!"

"Can so!"

-Class-

Ganondorf slashed the door in half, trudging into the room with an ice pack on his side. "You will be happy to know that I was victorious! For the most part…"

"Why?" Marth asked suspiciously.

"I went into Ganon mode and ran over him because he would not pay me. I crashed into this school though and came in here because he wouldn't give me money, so battle kind of ended before it was done. I'll get him next time!"

"What makes you think he'll be back?" Marth asked again.

"They're always back," Snake said from directly behind him, scaring Marth. "You beat them once and it just makes them even angrier. You beat them again, and even kill them, but they will still find a way to come back a third time. The battlefield is a neverending cycle of death and life…"

"Would not the death and life cancel each other out and make it a cycle of nothing?" Game & Watch asked.

"I challenge you to a versus match."

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Ganondorf screamed. "The important thing is that I got off with no consequences, Mario is dead, and Arceus got run over by a giant bipedal boar. I declare this day HAPPY END!"

The Arceus fight seemed to have a rushed ending, but there will be a round two...