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Chapter 37 – Lonesome

The maidservants had brought her some warm stew, but Kahlan wasn't interest in it. She sat at the table in the silent dining hall, playing her spoon through the liquid, her thoughts on Zedd, Cara, and Chase. It had been nearly two weeks since they had left and there had been no word from them. She prayed to the good spirits to guide them safely across the Midlands to the Old World. Zedd had seemed confident, as if he knew where he was going. She hoped he did. Kahlan wanted him to get to Richard as quickly as possible.

It was lonely in the Confessor's Palace. Sure she had Jennsen and Ashley, but without Richard, everyday seemed like a chore. To try and fill the void of his absence, Kahlan tried diving into the work of running the Midlands. She had meetings with the council and with various dignitaries from throughout the Midlands. She had even heard rumors from the People's Palace that the Mord'Sith were becoming open to the idea of accepting Richard as the rightful heir to the throne of D'Hara. Kahlan was no sure what to think of that. She was still not used to the idea of him being a Rahl. And she knew that he'd never take that name, but would he take the title of Lord Rahl if it meant peace for the Midlands—for ALL three territories?

Growing bored with her food, Kahlan had the servants take it away. Moments later, Miss Sanderholt, the head cook, appeared with another bowl of steamy hot stew. She tut-tutted and shook her head. "Come now, Mother Confessor," she chided Kahlan like a mother would a child. "You need to eat up, you're taking care of two babes, one still within and the other screaming for her mother's milk."

Kahlan bit her lower lip and gave a nod as the head cook placed the bowl down in front of her. Kahlan picked up the spoon and opened her mouth, swallowing the warm liquid and chewing the bits of broth-soaked lamb. The seasoning and spices that had been added to the broth were well chosen, and the meal was good. Sanderholt stood by Kahlan's side and waited patiently, watching as Kahlan ate her meal to the last drop. When she had finished, the woman smiled and patted her shoulder.

"There, there, Kay, don't you feel better now?" the woman spoke, using the nickname she had used with Kahlan when she was a child.

Taking a deep breath, Kahlan felt the warmth of the meal spread throughout her body. She turned to Sanderholt and gave a nod. "Yes, Elisa," she replied, using the woman's first name. "I feel better, thank you."

"You're not alone, Kay, don't you go forgetting that," Sanderholt said reassuringly, patting Kahlan's arm, before removing the bowl and shuffling back to the kitchens.

Kahlan leaned back in the chair and stared across the room at the large tapestry that draped the opposite wall. It depicted the first Mother Confessor, Magda Searus, and the Wizard Merrit, the wizard who had used his magic to create confessors, and was Magda Searus's husband. Kahlan furrowed her brow. Merrit had known the secret of loving a confessor. He had done it himself, marrying Magda Searus and being immune to her powers. Thinking of this only made her heart ache for Richard, the only other man since Merrit to discover the way to love a confessor. She closed her eyes and ran her hand along her growing belly.

"Oh, Richard," she murmured softly to the silent room, wishing he was here. "I miss you. I… I need you. Giving birth to Ashley was hard enough knowing that she was not yours, but if I had not had you by my side, guiding me, I don't know if I could have done it and survived." She pause as tears erupted from eyes. "Oh, Richard… I… I need you. I… I can't do… do this alone."

The wind whistling outside was her only answer. Wiping the tears that had besought her, Kahlan stood, placing a hand on the edge of the ebony table for support. She was weaker than she cared to admit, having had spent almost the first two months of her pregnancy traveling across the Midlands had depleted more of her strength than she cared to admit. Walking slowly across the hall, she reached the door and pulled the latch, stepping out into the dimly lit hall. She made her way to her chambers, wanting to hold her daughter in her arms.

Jennsen was there, sitting in a whicker chair, gently rocking Ashley in her arms. She looked up when Kahlan entered.

"Is she asleep?" Kahlan inquired in a soft voice.

Jennsen nodded. "She fell asleep about ten minutes ago," she said. "Miss Sanderholt's milk formula seemed to do the trick."

Kahlan grimaced, not liking that she had been unable to feed her own child. She missed breastfeeding Ashley. It was one of the few moments she ever felt at peace. However, she had yet to produce any more milk, having been completely spent and drained by the time they had arrived in Aydindril, their travels having not been kind on her body. Besides, the new one growing inside seemed to be taking most of the nourishment, hording it for herself. Kahlan was wondering how she was going to manage to feed two greedy mouths. She supposed she was going to have to use a nursemaid, or rely on Miss Sanderholt's milk formula. Leave it to a woman who never had any children of her own to develop a formula that when mixed with warm water was similar to a mother's milk.

"I can take her with me, if you need some rest?" Jennsen offered.

"No, that's all right," Kahlan replied. "I… I'd like to spend some time with her, even if she's asleep."

Jennsen nodded and stood up carefully. She passed Ashley over to Kahlan's arms. The babe stirred and made a soft mewl yet settled in, nuzzling her mother's breast with her little mouth as she continued to slumber. Kahlan bit her lower lip and held back her tears, wishing she had milk to give her baby. Jennsen left them, and Kahlan slowly stepped over to the bed. The first thing she had the palace staff do when she got back was throw away the original mattress, sheets, and pillows. She had them burn those things.

Now that Richard and her were free to be together, she did not want anything around that reminded her of her betrayal, save for Ashley, of course. She was a reminder, but she could not help having been conceived. It had been Kahlan who had done the betrayal, not Ashley. Taking her, Kahlan eased down onto the new mattress, frowning. It was not as soft as the old one, but she had no complaints. Richard and her would make it soft. Laying her head down on the pillows, Kahlan cradled Ashley in her arms and caressed her soft little head.

Ashley had begun shedding her dark hair and was now almost completely bald. Kahlan knew that babies did not always keep the hair they had when they were born, but it was still hard to see. She knew she did not have to worry about her eyes changing color; Dragen had had blue eyes like her, and with his D'Haran blood that was not likely to change. Though the hair was another matter altogether. His D'Haran blood might spark a change in Ashley's hair color once she grew it back. Kahlan fought back the tears at that thought. She prayed hard and long that when Ashley started growing her hair again that it would be dark. If she turned out to be blonde, Kahlan did not know how she would react. It would be yet another thing that would make Ashley stand out from her sisters, besides not having the same father.

Taking a deep breath, Kahlan stroked her fingers along Ashley's smooth head and tried not to think about it. Richard would love her no matter what… he had promised. A little fist reached up and grabbed some of her hair. Kahlan smiled, and shifted onto her side, resting Ashley gently on the bed beside her. Adjusting herself, Kahlan pulled the blankets up over them, and curled up beside her sleeping babe. She kissed the infant's brow and murmured her love, before wrapping her up in her arms and closing her eyes, willing sleep to take her.