Deciding you wanted to have a baby and actually getting pregnant didn't always go hand in hand. Reality TV shows had given her deceptively high false expectations about how this would go for them.

In fact, four months would pass since Olive had gone missing and they'd spent three days playing house. They'd tried officially for the first time the night Hank had picked up his grandson from their apartment and they'd tried many more times since then; none of which would elicit any complaints from Jay because he was more than happy to satisfy even her most insatiable of needs; but scheduling sex and using basal thermometers to track ovulation was making this process much less ardent and much more like it was a test they would study for yet fail each time they took it.

It would get to her more than him; she'd automatically blame old bad habits for why she couldn't conceive and it had taken an awful lot of prompting by him to even get her to agree to go to this appointment at Med and meet with the OBGYN that Will had recommended to him because having a check up might give Erin the piece of mind she needed because as the old adage went; when you stopped trying so hard, it was more likely to happen for you.

Erin was tired of hearing that sentiment and she wasn't interested in sitting on the white paper that lined this examination table while she wore a thin hospital gown and would be examined and probed in ways that were already making her uncomfortable and the doctor hadn't even entered the room yet to go over the results of her blood draw. "Jay… the book said we shouldn't worry until at least six months of trying, maybe we should just go; they are going to think we are crazy people."

"We are crazy people." He's shrug and lean down to kiss her forehead softly. "But who cares about the time table of the book; we're just here to hear what the doc has to say and so that you can stop obsessing over this crazy fertility diet you've been on and the weird positions you've been prescribing us to try. Listen, I am more than down with exploring karma sutra as the art form it is but, you are kind of taking the joy out of it for me a little here…" He'd admit with a sigh, and his eyes would search hers, his words were meant to placate her, not make her feel bad.

He should've known they'd have the latter effect on her and she would almost glare as she looked at him then, "Sorry this is such an inconvenience for you—" She'd been about to make a really shitty remark about how maybe Abby would've given him a baby easier but she'd be saved from her own spitefully meaningless delivery of those words when the exam room door opened and Dr. Kara Stone entered the room.

The tension of the room would shift and they'd force jovial smiles to their face as she greeted them, "Hello Mr. & Mrs. Halstead!" She'd beam at them, and if she were being honest; the rest of the woman's words would be lost on Erin. She'd hear almost none of them and she'd be even more thankful now for the steady, thorough man who was hanging on the doc's every word as she gave them information on the blood tests they'd run. It was early, like she knew it was so the doctor would, very patronizingly if you asked Erin, remind them of this more than once as she spoke to them about ovulation kits and other testing methods they could add in addition to the temping she was already doing every morning when she woke up. She'd actually feel more defeated when they left the hospital than she'd been when they showed up there this morning.

"Well, that was a colossal waste of a personal day." She'd complain as they stepped in the elevator to head down from the sixth floor and out to their car.

"Hey we have the entire afternoon to try whatever positions you have in mind that or going to work? I was reading that if you give your husband a bj first…. it increases the chances of pregnancy by like 200%." He'd attempt to lighten the mood and he'd brace himself for her reaction; would it be an eye roll and a laugh or would he have managed to make this bad situation worse.

She'd pause and consider how she wanted to react but she'd go with his first idea of how this might go and she'd give him a very exaggerated eye roll before a smile cracked on her lips. "You're an idiot. One who is buying me breakfast, by the way. And I am getting the pancakes with the bacon cooked into them AND bacon on the side; and you are not going to shame me about it."

"Let's make it a double stack." He'd offer in concession, kissing her cheek as they got in the car.

Following that appointment; it would be two months of using an ovulation prediction kit, basal thermometer temperature tracking done religiously, and eating soup during her luteal phase because she'd read on a blog that it had worked for nearly EVERYONE who had tried I (and she was willing to try anything.) She'd start learning about foods with beta-carotenes; a word she hadn't even heard of before starting this process. But, all of it would pay off because one particularly warm and muggy morning; she'd get the plus sign they'd waited so long for.

"JAY!" Her voice was manic as she shouted for him because in the first few months of trying he'd sat with her for every test and held her hand but in the last two she'd just felt like it was more pressure and more disappointment when it was inevitably negative, so she'd requested to do it in private and though it had killed him a little, he'd honored her request.

He'd come flying in from the kitchen where he'd been making coffee and he'd look at her standing there in disbelief, clutching the test that she'd force into his chest as shock was written into her face. "It's positive." She'd whisper and she still didn't believe it so she'd wait for him to look at it and when tears sprung in his eyes they'd come to hers too then they were hugging each other silently for a long time.

A doctor's appointment the next day would have a urine and blood test she'd insisted they give her to confirm she was actually pregnant. The results of the blood work would show that she was only four weeks along. After the physical and pelvic exams, they'd name drop Will and convince the technician to use a Doppler so they could hear the baby's heartbeat. It would be beautifully profound for both of them.

The blissfulness of the appointment would be marred slightly when they'd asked for personal and family medical histories and she'd be forced to confront some of her demons there on the spot. But; as she'd learned, she could do through anything with him at her side; and she'd survive it.

Twelve weeks is the "safety zone." That's what the book that had become her bible the past few weeks had said and they'd both agreed not to tell anyone about it until then; even Hank. Only Will would be privy to the information because he'd become Erin's personal on-call doctor for all her needs; even though he wasn't even an actual OB.

She would be eight weeks when the darkest darkness to ever consume her would show up and permanently blacken a part of her that would never again become aglow with light no matter what happened.

It was supposed to be a great day. Their first ultra sound that would have them hearing the baby's heartbeat again and this time they'd have a picture to go with it and Erin was planning to use that Halstead name in their favor again because she wanted as many pictures as possible even if all they'd look like would be a small mass of cells. But when the tech had waved the wand over her belly and they hadn't heard anything, Erin would grow worried. The sack displayed on the screen sat motionless. There were no flutters like she'd read in her book. She knew something was wrong. Her suspicions would be further confirmed when the young Asian nurse who'd squeezed the blue gel on her belly had excused herself without saying anything; Erin would immediately start to cry. Because she didn't need to speak to tell her the truth; she'd known from the look on the other woman's face.

Any shred of hope she'd been holding on to would completely leave her when Dr. Stone walked in. "Erin," she breathy way in which she'd delivered her name would cause her to break.

"No, please don't say it…" She's whisper tearfully and Jay's strong arms would wrap around her shoulders and pull her against him, for the sake of his own comfort as well as hers.

"There is a possibility that you may not be as far along as we thought originally so we're going to do another blood draw, see where your hCG levels are and go from there."

She'd be numb as they drew her blood and this was the kind of test that took some time and usually they'd send you home and call in the morning with the results, but she wouldn't be able to wait so when Dr. Stone had given them a moment alone, instead of dissolving into sobs, she'd swallow the ones that had been racking her chest, and she would beg Jay to call Will because there had to be a way to expedite this process. "We have to know. I can't leave here not knowing."

Jay would force himself to stay strong and steady because he knew if he broke it was all over and it wasn't his turn right now to be sad; that would come later. He needed to be strong, "Sweetheart," he's whisper, trying to hug her but she'd refuse the comfort and voice her demand again.

"Please, call Will."

And he would, because he'd do anything for her. And it would work, Will would get a rush put on the labs and they'd sit silently in the on-call room for two hours while they waited for the excruciating results.

Dr. Stone would bring them into her office to deliver the confirmation that they were both really hoping might not actually come. "Your hCG levels should be doubling but they seem to be stagnant. I'm so sorry Erin and you have to understand that these things happen all the time and there is nothing you did wrong or could've done differently…." But As Erin tended to do; she'd start to tune the woman out because it was all too much. Her hands would come almost unconsciously to rest on her abdomen and then the sobs she'd been doing so well fighting back would come all at once and interrupt the doctor's speech and Jay would look at her with his own tear-filled eyes because he couldn't fix this with words or kisses or anything at all.

Her hands would come to cover her face and each time Jay reached for her she'd shake him off and just keep crying uncontrollably until Dr. Stone had excused herself from the room to give them some privacy and Erin some time to gather herself together before she explained how they might proceed next.

"Babe, please…." He'd beg, because each time she'd recoil away from him would feel like a stab to his heart because he was hurting too right now; it wasn't just her. He needed the comfort of his arms around her just as much as she did but wanted to deny.

He'd come down to his knees and find a place in front of her to lean upon them and his hands would rest first on her own knees before he'd chance sliding them up her thighs until they found her hands and tucked themselves into them. His thumbs would brush the backs of her hands in soothing patterns like windshield wipers. "Sweetheart," He'd say again, his voice almost inaudible, but it would be enough to have her bloodshot eyes look up from her lap and at him finally.

"I'm so sorry," She'd whisper and then her hands would grab fistfuls of his t-shirt and she'd draw him towards her until they were both standing.

"Shhh," He'd say because there was nothing to apologize for and they both knew that. But they both also knew that she'd shoulder this burden completely alone if it were up to her so he'd have to fight hard every single day to make sure she didn't.

He'd hold her silently after that because there was nothing he would ever be able to articulate with words to make her feel better about this; not ever. He wouldn't patronize her with any pearls of wisdom, offerings of comfort or admonishments that this would be okay because it wouldn't ever be okay; not for him either.

"I don't ever want to try again." She'd said as they were leaving the hospital. Dr. Stone had returned after Jay had managed to get her together enough to at least sit silently and listen to the woman explain her options. Each one would make her sick to her stomach and she'd just look at Jay with the saddest most destroyed eyes he'd ever seen and he'd know that she needed him to take care of all of this now so he'd gotten the prescription for the pill that she'd need to take if nature hadn't run its course in three days time. They were supposed to hear the heartbeat today but all they'd leave that building with would be memories of heartbreak.

For the first three days; nothing was okay. Jay had told Hank quietly in his office the morning after he'd spent the entire night holding her as she went through the most profoundly terribly experience he'd ever have to witness another person endure. He'd love her more for it though; and she him. She would make him promise to never speak of that night to her. Or of any of the hopes, dreams, or names they'd discussed in the four weeks they'd known and let themselves fall in love with the idea of their future as a family of three.

That quiet morning, when he'd arrived at the district at 5 AM to speak to Hank, hoping to make it back before she'd noticed he'd gone, he would tell the man all of that and for the first time since they'd found out their dreams had ended so cruelly; he would let himself sob. He hadn't intended for it to happen in front of Hank. But, he'd be surprised when, as he sat there bawling in that uncomfortable chair across from Hank's desk, the older man would come around to sit next to him and place a strong, supportive hand on his shoulders while he let it all out. Jay couldn't have told you what Hank had said even as he was walking out of the district five minutes afterwards but whatever it was had reminded him to have hope and that no matter what, he'd have to be strong for Erin.

And he would be strong and steady for her, for two months. Even if it had taken her too many days before she'd let him kiss or really even touch her. And it would be weeks before she'd let him hold her while they slept. She'd forcibly chosen to deprive herself of those comforts because she felt undeserving of them. She'd failed their baby, she'd failed their dreams, she'd failed him; she'd failed herself. She didn't want to feel better. Even though their were sometimes seconds of her day when she'd find reprieve from the blackness that had coated every inch of her heart right now, she'd feel guilty for allowing herself to be alright even for moments that hadn't lasted even half of a minute in length. But any time she'd see a pregnant woman at a place they'd stopped for lunch or if the victims of a case had been kids or had kids of their own she'd find that darkness spreading across more of her.

She was nearly unrecognizable when he'd finally broken. Since they'd vowed long ago not to drink when they were depressed and this was a sadness she'd never known, she'd had to find another way to channel her grief and much like she had those months ago at his urgings; she'd find comfort in going to the gym.

She'd always been fit, but she'd wake up at 4 AM, use the key Antonio had given her to let herself in to the gym with total privacy and run until her feet were numb or she'd run out of breath from dissolving into sobs. She'd forbidden Jay from going with her because she wanted to run herself ragged and abuse her exhaustion to the point of causing herself pain because it was the torture she deserved for what she'd put them through, at least in her mind.

She was more frail now than she ever used to be; black circles would be a permanent fixture under her eyes and she'd grow increasingly more adept ad hiding them with make up. She'd eat sometimes but preferred to survive off coffee and the occasional piece of toast with peanut butter that he'd practically beg her to eat and he'd look so sad when he did that she'd cave.

She was stuck in a cyclical loop; wake up, work out, go to work, come home and stew in mental anguish until sleep finally found her and she'd drift off until the cycle started gain. Bless his heart, Jay had tried everything he could to make her feel—not even better but to just feel anything that wasn't terrible dark sadness. "Let's go to dinner… you could wear that—"

"No." She'd say quickly, nestled up on the couch with a mug of hot green tea and a blanket draped over her lap. She'd been "reading" the book in her hands for an hour but hadn't actually turned any of the pages.

"Babe, please." He'd say with pleading eyes and his hand would come to cover the pages of the book that were splayed open in her hands and he'd lower it down into her lap. "I miss you." He'd say and when his eyes found hers she'd open her mouth to tell him that was a silly thing to say because they saw each other all the time but she wouldn't do him the disservice of pretending she didn't know what he meant.

"I do, too." She said. And she didn't mean she missed him; she'd meant that she missed herself. Because she did. He wasn't the only one who'd noticed she was just a strange reflection of her former self now. He was afraid he was losing her entirely and his worries weren't unfounded because truthfully, she felt them herself.

"I love you so much, wife." He'd say that word and it would unravel him because of how much weight it always held when he'd first been able to call her that and how even now after months together and heartache like they'd never known before, it would still give him butterflies to call her that.

It would be his turn to fall apart and she'd move the book out of her lap just in time for his face to crash into it and he'd cry again like he'd done in Hank's office but this time, it would be her who stepped up to be there. Her hands would come to his back soothingly and it would actually give her reprieve from her own anguished grief to help him shoulder his. A grief he'd kept silent all these months for her sake; she'd realize then. Well, that was a lie. She'd seen him swallow this down every time she'd broken down herself and she'd selfishly let him because this had happened to her body and she'd felt the physical pain of it so he had been more than accepting of the fact that he had no right to be just as upset as she was. But she'd been wrong to let him feel that; she'd been incredibly selfish. The baby they'd lost had been just as much his as it was hers and even though it had been her belly that life had ceased to keep growing in; he'd felt the same insurmountable loss as her. She'd let them both overlook that fact for far too long and she would be completely ashamed of not just how she'd conducted herself in the last two months; but of how she'd let herself treat him and get away with it. "Husband," She'd whisper quietly as her hands rubbed up and down his back soothingly, willing his body to stop shaking with sobs. "Just let it out." She'd add with an even lower decibel whispered rasp.

And he would. He'd let out every single bit of the terribly dark mentally exhausting sadness that had plagued him since that fateful day in the ultra sound room. It was her turn to be strong for him and eventually she'd sunken down to the floor so she could gather him between her legs and wrap her arms around him so he could rest against her in a position that was usually reversed. It would be more than an hour of her holding him before the tears would finally stop and when he leaned back looking embarrassed she did the only thing she could think of to tell him he didn't need to be; and she'd pulled him in for a kiss much deeper than the chaste ones she'd allowed him to bestow upon her lips these past few weeks.

The kiss would escalate quickly and their shirts would each be removed hurriedly because even if her mind hadn't wanted this type of relief for the past couple months; both of their bodies had still craved it. He'd break their kiss and push her away slightly so he could look at her to make sure she really wanted and was ready for this. She'd nod her head and then return her lips to his in confirmation that it was exactly what she wanted. It was what they both needed, they'd find. And she'd practically jump into his arms so he could carry her down the hall as they kissed and more clothes would become scattered like bread crumbs down the hallway that led to their bed.

This lovemaking was quiet and intense; eyes stayed open nearly the entire time. Hands grasped the other's as tears came for them both. But as they each reached their respective pinnacles of pleasure at the same time, she'd collapse against his chest in a huff. She would stay completely wrapped up in him even after she fell asleep and the next morning, things felt different between the, in the best possible way.

After that, he'd start to hear her laugh again. Her dimples would reappear, no longer made scarce by all-consuming sadness. She'd even wake up before him and go out to the little bakery on the corner to get them breakfast some mornings. And on this particular morning, five weeks after they'd made such passionate and perfect love for the first time in forever; she'd climbed into the shower with him before work and let him press her ardently against the wall until she was quivering against him with spasms of pleasure. It would make her wobbly and light-headed all the sudden and she'd get a sick look on her face before suddenly pulling back the curtain, leaping out of the shower, and sinking her still wet knees to the floor in front of the toilet to expel the contents of her stomach into it.

"Well, I don't think that has ever been the result of an orgasm, but… I feel like it is actually sort of an accomplishment—" He'd begin as she stood there in front of the bathroom sink staring at her reflection contemplatively.

"Shut up." She'd warned because as she'd brushed her teeth to remove the terrible taste her vomit ad just left there she'd been doing some math and she was moments away from a total freak out. "I need water…" She'd say suddenly and then he was following her to the kitchen and watching her chug glass after glass out of her massive Yeti cup until he'd decided she'd gone fully crazy and it was now his duty to intervene.

"Babe… let's take a second okay? What are we—"

"Five weeks ago… you made the most wonderfully honest and compassionate love to me and… I…. don't think I've had my period since."

The weight of that statement would silence them both.