Thank you all for continuing to stay with me….We're almost there!

"The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world." Marianne Williamson

Chapter 37: Home, the Loneliest Place Known

The sun shined throughout the day and the mist cleared as the morning gradually passed. By noon, Nanny passed by Keith's room, bringing the princess lunch. At first, she didn't want to eat, but Allura realized that if she wanted Nanny out of the room, the best thing to do was to make her governess happy.

When she and Lance discovered what Keith had done, neither wasted time getting him to the cruiser and driving back to the castle. They had all gathered in the waiting room once again, fearing the worst. Luckily, Gorma managed to pump Keith's stomach in time to save him from any side effects and now, he rested comfortably in his room at MedTech, the princess by his side.

"You know Allura, he's not going anywhere. Dr. Gorma thinks he probably won't come to until later tonight or tomorrow morning," Lance mentioned as he stepped into the room of the infirmary, giving Allura a sympathetic look.

The princess sat on a chair next to Keith's bed as she watched him sleep. Not looking at Lance, she continued her gaze at the dark haired man, stroking his hair aimlessly. "I'm afraid to leave him." She shook her head in frustration, "I don't know whether to hold him or punch him! I'm so angry."

Lance walked further in the room, "Maryann warned us of the side effects. Besides, his mind is so mixed up right now... Honestly, I'm pissed off at him too. I guess we were all expecting a fairy tale ending to this tragedy."

Sighing, Allura faced him, "Oh, Lance. If we wouldn't have found him…"

"But we did. Don't think about the what ifs. We found him. He's okay now. What's important is to bring him back from what he's putting himself through, this loneliness, as he calls it."

Allura sighed as she stood up and sighed. Looking at her friend she confessed, "I feel like I'm losing him all over again."

Lance walked up to the princess and held her tightly. "It's okay Allura. You'll see." He kept silent for a bit, watching his friend for a moment before walking over to the other end of the room and grabbing a chair and taking a seat, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," The princess nodded as she sat down.

"Why did you reject him the night of the party?"

Sighing, she let out a heavy sigh, "Lance, if you could just understand what I have lost. Everyone in my life that I cared about practically vanished before my eyes. Coran and Nanny were the only ones left. I had no hopes, no desires…the thought of even finding love to me was absurd. How could I love when there wasn't anyone to love? How could I dream of love, when all I saw were men, women and children living down in caves, eating whatever little this land produced? Wouldn't that be selfish of me?" She shook her head, "I closed myself to anything that dealt with my happiness. I would not be happy until my people were."

He stared at her as he continued to listen.

"Then, you guys came," she smiled. "I know that to all of you, this was just another assignment. A mission. But, to me…you were…hope. I still never expected to find love. I wanted my people saved from Zarkon's grasp, that's what I cared about…it was ingrained in my mind from all the years I was alone," Allura's gaze turned to Keith.

"And then," Lance whispered with a smirk looking toward Keith.

Allura nodded gently. "And then," she repeated. "I don't know when I fell in love with him. I look back now and I think I always felt something special toward him, Lance. Subconsciously, at least." The princess began caressing Keith's hair again, "I felt that, out of all of you, I had to earn his respect and trust."

"Allura, he's always respected you," Lance reassured her.

She laughed a bit, "Maybe he did…you know…" Looking back at Lance, her eyes were full of thought, "I think I know when I began feeling things for him," Allura smiled. "I think I know."

"When?"

"I remember one day while training with him in the lions that I was failing miserably in my descent maneuvers. I had trouble sensing the airspeed changes and my turns were very abrupt. We practiced for hours and Keith never once yelled or acted frustrated with me."

"Are we talking about the same man?" Lance answered sarcastically.

Allura laughed, "Anyways, after hours of practicing, I finally got the maneuver right. I was ecstatic and I remember that I turned and looked at him…he had this smile on his face…he looked at me with such pride…trust…I think that's when I first felt it. That was the moment."

"You want to know when he felt it?" Lance asked.

Surprised, Allura's eyes widened, "He told you? When?"

"He told me that it was the moment you stepped down those stairs to meet us."

"I never thought of him as such a romantic," Allura's smiled brightened by the revelation.

"You and me both."

They watched their friend in silence for a moment. Allura sighed and broke up the quiet moment, "I kept my feelings for Keith deep inside,. Hid them. Because I thought that it wasn't fair for me to have those feelings. My people were suffering and I felt guilty wanting to live a fairytale when all they lived was a nightmare," she sadly shook her head.

"Allura, you couldn't stop yourself from feeling. No one can."

She nodded. "There's another reason. The night of my party, when he told me what he felt for me…it scared me Lance. I got scared."

"Why?"

"I had lost every single person that meant something in my life. If I loved, they died. A curse… well, that's what I thought. I felt that if I hid those feelings from him, Keith would be safe," shesighed. "Everyone I loved had died…I couldn't bare the thought of losing him. Not him."

"Princess, things don't work that way." Lance reminded her.

Allura kept looking at Keith, her fingers caressing his cheek, "I know that now. I learned that you can't prevent things from happening. You can't stop your life from happening," she sighed. "And you can't stop love from happening. I think we both have this tendency to try to control things around us," she smiled as she looked at Lance.

"Looks like he's going to have to learn a thing or two about control as well. I'm glad that you're ready to love," Lance replied, a small smile formed on his lips.

Allura's smile, however, faded. "I don't know how to help him."

The lieutenant grew pensive for a moment and gradually his eyes widened.

"What?" Allura asked.

"I think I know who might."

VVVVVVVVVV

The throne room filled with Drules chanting, screaming, and shouting obscenities. Zarkon's voice boomed in Keith's ears. His tone, full of fury and anger, frightened him. In front of him were his friends, begging for him to help them. Allura continued calling to him desperately.

"Son! Kill them!" Zarkon yelled.

"No! I can't," Keith shouted over the Drules' constant chanting.

"You are the Ruler of Doom. It is your duty!"

"I…I can't! Don't make me do this, Father."

"Kill them! NOW!"

He looked at his friends. Allura begging to live, but he couldn't control himself. Keith retrieved the gun from his holster and began shooting. He heard the blasts coming out of his blaster as he watched Allura, Sven, Lance, Hunk and Pidge plummet to the floor.

"No…No! I didn't mean to. I didn't want to! NO! NO!"

"No! No! Please! Don't make me!"

Suddenly Keith felt someone shaking him as he heard his owns screams, "Wake up, Keith! It's just a dream! Wake up!"

Keith's eyes flickered open, looking wildly around the room. His breathing coming out in heavy rasps. He saw the one person he never thought of seeing again, "What are you doing here?"

The man sighed in frustration, "What am I doing here?" he asked in disbelief. "Keith, the princess contacted me… and told me what happened. I took the first shuttle out to see you and arrived early this morning."

Staying silent for a moment and remembering, Keith refused to meet the man's eyes.

"Keith?"

"I thought it would be over by now," his voice filled with pain.

"What?"

"This," he simply answered as he put his head back on the pillow. Regret showing in his features.

Admiral Graham shook his head slowly and took his son in his arms, "I don't know what I would have done if... When Lance told me…" He couldn't finish, he himself fought back tears. "Don't you ever do something like that again!"

Keith didn't return the hug. His own shame prevented him from even believing that his foster father could show this much emotion for him, a traitor, and a disappointment to everyone.

The admiral released him then studied him, His eyes…so much darkness in them now. Keith had bags under his eyes. He looked tired and too pale to Graham's eyes. Realizing that pity was the last thing Keith needed, the man stood tall and with a firm gaze told him, "I never pegged you for someone who takes the easy way out, Commander."

Keith looked down, "After all I've done, I don't deserve to live."

Graham's anger boiled. At that moment he wanted to make Zarkon pay for what he did to his son. But, Keith needed him now and the Admiral had to administer some tough love. "Were you able to control your actions, while you were under Zarkon's influence?"

The young man shook his head, "I didn't feel that I could at the time," he answered. "But I was aware of what I was doing. I knew what I was doing. How could I…have done…all those things…to them...to her?" His voice cracked.

"What happened could have happened to any member of your team," the admiral responded, taking a seat in a nearby chair. "Would you have punished them as much as you are punishing yourself right now?"

Keith maintained his silence.

"Answer me Commander Kogane," the admiral demanded firmly.

"It's not the same sir," Keith shook his head looking at nothing in particular in front of him.

"Why would you think that?"

The young man turned to his guardian and stoically answered him, "I'm the one who sets the example. How can you ask me that? I'm a murderer and practically a rapist. How can someone like me lead….how can I face them?" he inquired with disgust. How can I face her? He told himself inwardly.

The admiral sat down next to him and stared at the young man. For a moment, the brave and powerful commander looked like the twelve year old child he took in years ago, "You can face them and have them see that you are stronger than what you've faced. You can surpass this obstacle and let your team see who you really are...the leader that you are capable of becoming...the leader that is now stronger because he has faced adversity and rose above from it."

Keith looked stoically at his father figure, but didn't say a word in response.

"You have always been successful at fighting your adversaries, son. It's your gift. Now you face another adversary, yourself. The fight to reclaim your heart and mind is long and arduous. It will not be easy."

Keith continued looking at the admiral. His eyes darkened as he listened intently.

The older man continued, "If you truly want others to trust you again, you need to trust yourself. You need to love yourself. If you succeed, you will truly be the leader you seek to be."

Keith remained quiet as he heard his surrogate father speak. He wanted to believe his words. Wanted to prove to everyone he was still the man before the nightmare began. The problem was he just didn't believe in the words. He barely believed in himself.

VVVVVVVVVVV

The evening came to find Keith lying in bed looking out his window, gazing at the night sky, lost in thought. His dinner, the once hot, bowl of broth, sat on the table beside him. He hadn't touched it nor cared to do so.

Maryann, the scientist he met days earlier, along with Lance and Sven, sat with him after the admiral's visit and told him everything that transpired from the time they thought the chip had been placed in him until he had woken in MedTech after his surgery. It hadn't been easy to hear. He remembered everything he did, everything he said, but it was hard to understand that he hadn't been able to control himself. That he wasn't able to stop himself from those actions. He felt like two different people in one body. Maryann described it as watching yourself from a glass window.

Keith could not have felt any worse after they left, he wished the damn pills had worked.

The admiral, who would stay with them for a day or two longer before he had to report back to the Garrison, decided not to attend. He knew his foster son would be extremely embarrassed by what he would hear and felt that his presence there would make Keith feel worse. He sat with him after, but Keith didn't volunteer any of the details. The admiral gathered he was still in shock.

Dr. Gorma walked in about an hour after the admiral's visit to discuss with him the possibility of counseling, to help him better understand the why's of his situation and to find ways of coping with them. He immediately declined. The last thing he wanted was to talk about a problem he did not understand yet himself, and with someone he did not know.

However, that wasn't what was worrying Keith at the moment. What worried him was far worse.

He felt guilty about leaving Doom. He felt alone and abandoned in the one place he had always thought of as home. Keith wondered if Zarkon was all right, alive. God, this is sickening! He thought.

Maryann had also warned him about his feelings, about how it would take time for his body and mind to recuperate. He would need to dismiss these feelings. If it were that easy. He longed to be back at Doom and that feeling was driving him crazy.

"A penny for your thoughts," he heard a voice suddenly fill the room.

He turned his head and saw Allura by the door. Wearing a simple peach colored A-line dress with elbow length sleeves, the princess was a vision of beauty to him. She wore her hair loose, no pins, not even her customary tiara. Her neck was decorated with the snowflake necklace he had given her the night of her birthday ball. Allura looked beautiful.

Keith was suddenly clouded by visions of what he had done to her. He hit her. Tore her gown and touched her in ways that made him feel as if he was the sickest man alive. He looked away, unable to face her.

She walked in, her expression full of concern. The princess tried to make him smile and so far, it had been next to impossible, "You haven't had your dinner. If Nanny finds out you didn't taste her broth, she'll probably spoon feed it to you," she joked as she picked up the spoon swirled it on the bowl.

"I'm not very hungry," he muttered as he looked out the window, now longing more for his enemy.

"You should eat something…to build up your strength," Allura offered. When she didn't receive an answer, she asked, "How are you feeling?"

Keith sighed miserably, "I've been better." He fell silent for a moment before he began again, but she noticed that not once did his eyes fall on her. "I wanted to…thank you for saving me and…I wanted to apologize for…all those things I did…to you." He breathed hard. She could tell that it took a lot out of him to tell her that.

"Keith, you've saved me countless times. As far as an apology is concerned, you don't need to give me any. I told you that…"

At that, he looked up shocked, "Why would you think that? After everything I put you through."

"You didn't put me through anything. You didn't do anything I didn't ask for," she told him firmly.

Keith shook his head, "No, that's not true, I..." he couldn't even voice the word in front of her.

"You didn't," Allura told him as she pushed the tray away to come closer to him, "I wanted to. I wanted you to do those things to me. Keith, I…"

"No! That can't be," he snapped. He finally looked up at her, his eyes full of wildness and shock. She could see the tears of pain that he attempted to hold, "Princess, I…ruined you. I violated you! I even did things with someone else…I'm not worthy of your forgiveness."

"You are worthy of that and more!" She reminded him. The princess paused for a bit before she continued. "I know about Starr. You warned me before we did anything. In your heart and mind, however confused it was, you still were concerned with my thoughts and feelings. I knew what I was doing. I decided to do it because you are the most important thing to me Keith." She tried caressing his face, but he pulled away from her.

Hurt poured over her, but Allura understood. All of them had spoken to a Maryann earlier in the day. She told them what he was probably feeling and that one of his fight/flight mechanisms would be to pull away from all of them until he himself came to the conclusion that he was still needed. They had to give him time. Still though, Allura felt powerless. She hated seeing him this way.

"I'm too dangerous for you Princess. You should stay away from me," he told her, his gaze once again turned away from her so as to hide the tears that came down.

She gasped surprised. She hadn't expected him to tell her to stay away from her. "Keith…"

"I'd like to be alone now," he stated firmly. "Goodnight…Princess." Keith told her, keeping himself away from her.

She stared at him for a bit, but he wouldn't look at her. Not knowing what else to do, Allura bid him goodnight before leaving.

Keith looked at that window for hours, his longing now more powerful than before.

VVVVVVVVVVV

Lance took two cards from the deck and studied them as he grouped them with the one he held in his hand, not really caring if he had a winning combination. He pushed himself to look interested in the cards. Any indication that he would rather study what his friend was feeling would earn him a ticket out of Keith's room.

"Ok, I'll see you ten and raise you twenty," he told him as he tossed a couple of chips onto the tray they were playing on. He raised his eyes just enough to study his friend's face. Keith looked at his cards, but Lance could tell his mind was beyond studying the current hand he was playing.

"Hey," Lance called out. In return, Keith looked up a little bewildered. "In or out?" He asked as naturally as he could, trying to sound like he was speaking of the game at hand, rather than the true meaning of his words.

"I'm in…ummm…I'll see your twenty and raise you twenty," Keith answered as he threw his chips onto the tray that crossed his hospital bed.

"Hah!" Lance answered, "Read'em and weep! Four Jacks!" He exclaimed excitedly as he placed his hand on the tray, showing all his glory. "Beat that Chief!"

Calmly, Keith put his hand down showing Lance a royal flush. "Sorry."

"What!" Lance gasped. "How the hell did you get that hand?"

Keith looked at his hand lying on the tray. A small smile, too small for the average person to see, crept on his lips. Lance wanted to say something, but decided to remain quiet. Inwardly, he was ecstatic that Keith showed some hint of positive emotion.

For the last four days after his unexpected incident at the lake, Keith emotionally detached from everyone. Even the admiral, who had finally left two days prior could not reach him. Graham felt uneasy about leaving, but he didn't want the Garrison to know too much about Keith's condition. The last thing Keith needed was to be stripped of command or have a Garrison psychiatrist visit him at the request of superiors higher than the Marshall. That, they all knew, would destroy him. They all decided to keep things quiet and Lance would report to the admiral anything on Keith's process.

Keith, for the most part, never spoke unless spoken to, barely ate, and seldom wanted any company. He slept the day away, or pretended to anyway.

Tonight, Lance saw for the first time, that his friend wanted company and he took every opportunity to make him feel that it was okay to break out of the lonesome hole he felt safe in.

From the viewing window, Sven watched his two friends playing cards. It was his night to stand guard and watch over Keith. A small smile crept up on his own lips, Good, he's finally breaking out of his shell. He thought to himself. When Sven heard of the incident, he and Romelle wasted no time in returning to Arus.

"How's he doing tonight?" He heard Allura's voice and he turned to watch her walk in.

"I think he's doing better this evening," he replied looking back at the viewing window, "Lance has been with him for about and hour and a half tonight. He even smiled a bit."

Allura's eyes glimmered, "He smiled? That's great!"

"Don't get your hopes up. This is just one good moment. He's going to have to face a lot of demons before we can say that he's back."

"But, it's a start," Allura countered as she looked inside.

"Yes, it is."

They stared in silence, watching as the pair continuing yet another game. Keith, from time to time slipped away for a few moments, but Lance immediately reeled him in.

"He asked about you," Sven broke her concentration.

The princess turned around to face him, "He did?"

He nodded and smiled, "Yes, when Lance first walked in. He wanted to know how you were."

Allura looked back at the window, "He asked about me," she repeated with a smile.

"You should go in and see him."

She shook her head, "I'm not sure Sven. He hasn't seen me since that night. I'm not sure how he'll react if I break what seems like his first signs of progress."

"I think you should Allura. Like you said, it's a start, and you need to break this rift both of you have. Don't expect him to. He'll need every single one of us to keep him where he's at right now," he shrugged, "I know from experience. When I was in my dark place, Romelle was the only one who broke me out of it."

Understanding, the princess sighed and then nodded, "I'll try."

"I'll leave you for the moment. I'll be back to take my shift when you're done. Let me know." Sven told her, turning to leave, "Where's Romelle by the way?"

"She's in my office. Bandor sent her some papers she has to look over and she needed a place to concentrate. By the way, you have been summoned by her. Something about both of you deciding some new laws the Pollux council wants to initiate."

"I'll go see her then," Sven answered her as he headed toward the door. "Just go in, Allura. I'm sure he wants to see you."

After Sven left, Allura took a deep breath and walked toward the door, hoping that her small bit of happiness wouldn't be overshadowed by disappointment.