Chpt. 38
I woke up alone the following morning. I smiled, remember that he told me he loved me without a qualifier; however, my smile only lasted about thirty seconds. And then I remembered that he smelled like another woman, proof that he was hooking-up. I wasn't hung over, but that didn't stop me from feeling nauseated. I lay back down and threw an arm over my eyes. How do I face him?
After laying there for a half-hour, I decided to deal with him how I had planned before my talk with Lexi in the library. Fuck Operation Just Friends. Time for Operation Eat Your Heart Out, Asshole. I'd make sure to "arm" myself more than normal and maybe have Jason pick me up tonight for a date. Maybe I should go out with him again tomorrow. What would piss off Carlos more? Two dates with the same guy or two dates with two different guys. Hmm…decisions, decisions.
Finally, I made myself get up, dress in my skimpiest running clothing, and grabbed my laptop and iPod. I made a quick playlist that I titled "Hell Hath No Fury" so that I'd have something to motivate me while I go sweat out my anger and frustration.
1. Dashboard Confessional – Screaming Infidelities
2. No Doubt – Don't Speak
3. Alanis Morisette – You Oughta Know
4. Bon Jovi – You Give Love a Bad Name
5. Avril Lavigne – Complicated
6. Mariah Carey – Someday
7. Pat Benatar – Hit Me with Your Best Shot
8. Christina Aguilera – Fighter
9. Destiny's Child – Survivor
10. Lauryn Hill – Ex-Factor
11. Nancy Sinatra – These Boots Are Made for Walkin'
12. Blu Cantrell – Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)
13. Britney Spears – Stronger
14. Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
15. Carly Simon – You're So Vain
After I finished syncing my iPod, I popped in my earbuds, turned up the volume, and exited my room, walking with purpose. I didn't make eye contact with the three people sitting at the kitchen table. I just walked out of the house and started a slow jog so I could warm up my muscles listening to "Screaming Infidelities". I might have been foolish for putting this song on my playlist; it was hitting a little too close to home.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.
I'm reading your note over again,
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."
As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone
Making out.
The song hadn't even finished and I decided. I'd call Jason when I got back. I needed him to take me out tonight and tomorrow night. Dates with two different guys would make me look slutty – even if I'm the farthest thing from it. Stupid, hypocritical, gender-specific mores.
Should I be honest with Jason? I really don't want to use him. Lexi would know what to do. I think she might even be on board with my new plan of attack considering what happened last night. I looked at my running watch; it was 0900. I decided that Lexi was likely awake by now and if not, it was perfectly acceptable to wake her up due to my current crisis.
I turned around at the corner and ran in the opposite direction to Lexi's house at full-speed. Fifteen minutes later, I rang the doorbell. Mrs. Santos opened the door, looking incredibly surprised at my impromptu visit.
"Hola blanquita. ¿Toda está bien? Es muy temprano para una visita con Lexi."Mrs. Santos told me, kissing each cheek. ["Hi little white girl. Is everything ok? It's very early for you and Lexi." The term blanquitais a Spanish idiom, meaning it really doesn't translate well. Unlike English, it's not derogatory to call nickname a person by their physical description. It's actually a very common way to nickname to show affection in Spanish-speaking countries.]
"Eh…not really. I really need to talk to her. Is she up yet?" I replied. I wasn't up to speaking in Spanish currently. It would take too much thought and my mind was already spinning its wheels and getting nowhere.
"Todavía no se despierta, pero si quieres ir a su habitación, le diga que el desayuno está lista. Después, dúchate y le pierde un cambio de ropa. Desayuna con nosotros. ¿Bien?"[She's not up yet, but if you want to go to her room, tell her that breakfast is ready. Afterward, take a shower and ask her for a change of clothes. Have breakfast with us. Good?]
"Thanks, Mrs. Santos!" I called over my shoulder as I took off up the stairs to Lexi's room. I banged on her door and then barged in. "Wake up! I need to talk to you, but first I'm going to take a shower. Can you throw in some clean clothes for me to wear?"
"Huh? What? Steph? What are you doing here?" Lexi sat up, looking confused and half-asleep.
"Oh my God! Last night was awful and I need to talk to you, but I ran here and I'm all gross. Your mom told me to wake you up and then told me to shower and get ready for breakfast."
"Okay…I think I need coffee. I'm only half-following you. Let me go get a cup and then I'll come back and bring you clothes." She rolled out of bed and stumbled out of the room. She really wasn't a morning person.
"Thanks!" I yelled from the bathroom. I stripped off my sweat-soaked clothes and hopped in Lexi's shower.
Unlike my childhood home in the 'Burg or Army housing with my aunt and uncle, Lexi's parents' house was extravagant; all four bedrooms had its an en suite bathroom. Mr. Santos owned an import-export business that was very profitable, but he refused to pay for his children's educations until they proved to him that they learned the value of hard work and money. In Mr. Santos' eyes, Lexi's shopaholic tendencies cancelled out her hardworking nature, meaning he wasn't willing to pay for her education yet.
I heard the bathroom door open. "I'm leaving you some yoga pants and a tank top. That should work, right?" Lexi asked me.
"Yeah, thanks, Lex." I quickly finished my shower, rummaged around in the wall cabinet above the toilet until I found some hair gel which I quickly combed through my hair – after all, I wanted to make Carlos regret his rejection of me and that meant I had to look good. I needed to tame my hair before it dried into an electrocuted white girl 'fro. Stepping out of the bathroom, I saw Lexi sitting at her desk, sipping her coffee and doodling in the margins of some class notes.
"You going to tell me what made you run to my house and wake me up before noon on a Saturday?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"Can we grab food and come back up here and talk?" I needed some comfort food. Hell, I just wanted any form of comfort.
She gave me an assessing look, nodded, and then got up and walked out of the room. I followed behind, thinking food might be a bad idea. My nausea was back in full force, but I had to eat unless I wanted to insult Mrs. Santos. We both loaded our plates with scrambled eggs, tostadas, and I poured myself some café con leche. [bread toasted on an electric griddle/pan on the stove sometimes with butter or jam, and strong coffee with milk]
Once we got back into the room, Lexi demanded answers.
"So what the heck happened? It had to have been an emergency for you to be here so early. If you don't tell me, I'll get Les in here to help me drag answers out of you."
"There is no way in hell you can tell Les what I'm going to tell you. This is just between you and me."
"Shit, what did my idiot cousin do this time?" She sighed. She knew nobody else could upset me enough to cause me to wake her up early on a Saturday morning.
"We talked yesterday. He told me he loves me, but we can't be together because of his job and its danger. He said he can't commit so he refuses to start anything for fear of ruining the possibility of us…"
Lexi took a sip of coffee and just stared at me, thinking for a minute. "Well…that's not surprising. I mean all of the guys refuse to have committed relationships. They all say their lives doesn't lend themselves to relationships."
"Yeah, but do the others admit they love someone and then half-flaunt that they're going out and hooking up with random women?"
Lexi choked on her coffee and started coughing. Once she was able to breathe and speak normally she responded, "I don't even know what to say. What exactly did he do?"
I sighed. "So, he came back last night or early this morning and crawled into bed with me. We cuddled and he told me in Spanish that he will always love me and that he's doesn't want hurt me. After he fell asleep, I was burrowing into his arms more figuring I should enjoy that cuddle while I can and that's when I smelled some other woman's perfume. I felt like I was kicked in the gut. I couldn't breathe – at least that is how I felt."
"I don't even know what to say. I mean, I guess it's good that he admitted that he loves you. But wow. Just…wow. I can't believe he crawled into your bed smelling of skank. I want to hit him upside the back of his head and yell at him on your behalf. For being one of the most intelligent guys I know, he is quite possibly the stupidest as well. Kind of like a genius who intellectually understands practically everything, but has no common sense. It's like God's way of evening out everyone's gifts."
"You can't! I don't want him to know how I feel or that I remember last night. That would be mortifying!"
"I'm sorry. I am at a complete loss…I don't know what you should do or how you should deal with him." She sighed and held up her coffee mug, inhaling its scent, while she sat there searching for something to say to me.
"That's kind of why I came here. So I was thinking when I was running…I'm going to ask Jason out and try to get him to pick me up at the house tonight. I know that goes against Operation Just Friends, but I kind of think we should just forget about that. Now I just want to make him hurt. I want to make him regret everything."
Lexi sighed. "I can't believe I'm agreeing with you to an extent. Ugh, I just want to smack him. What the hell is wrong with him? I swear Tía Teresa must have dropped him on his head as a baby."
"Do you think I should tell Jason I'm essentially using him this weekend? I mean, I'm considering making out with him in hopes I get caught by Carlos. And then I feel guilty because I like Jason as a person, but…he doesn't make me tingle. Plus, he kisses like a slobbery dog. He once licked my cheek!"
"I don't think I'd tell Jason. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. You might want to practice kissing with him so that if or when Carlos catches you, he doesn't see Jason slurping your face. Instead of being jealous, I think he'd be amused if he saw that."
"Yeah, I'm a little worried about that. I guess I can teach him at the movies tonight – if he doesn't have plans. It'll kind of be like high school all over." I'm sure he'd be open to making out in the back row. Hopefully, he'll be able to take constructive criticism.
"Ok, do you have his phone number? If so, you need to call him now. And then we need to get you ready for your date! I'm thinking we should make a point of pampering you all day. That way it makes you seem like you're excited about your date…." Lexi continued planning how I'd get ready and what I'd wear on my date while I called Jason, who was more than willing to go on a date with me. I felt a huge stab of guilt when I heard the excitement in his voice, but I needed a date and he was my best option.
After breakfast, Lexi drove me back to Abuela's so that we could spend the rest of the day making it known that I had a date. I took yet another shower so that I could shave and moisturize in addition to properly styling my wild curls.
Two hours into getting ready, Lexi was giving me a mani-pedi when Carlos and Tank came back from their morning run.
"Babe." Carlos said, observing Lexi painting my nails and me flipping through People Magazine.
"Hey," I replied without looking up.
"What are you guys up to today?" Tank asked, sitting down at the table with a huge glass of water.
"I'm helping Steph get ready for her hot date tonight," Lexi replied. I looked up and shot Tank a small smile and then went back to flipping through my magazine.
"Really?" Tank was clearly shocked with my plans. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have replied at all.
"Yeah, Jason and I are going to dinner and the movies." I continued flipping through the magazine. None of the articles caught my attention, but I didn't want to look at Carlos. He resolved that problem by walking out of the kitchen towards his room. Tank gave me a knowing look, and then followed him out. A minute later we could hear Tank's half of the conversation. Carlos had to have been talking quietly, because unfortunately, we couldn't here his side.
"Ranger, you can't be pissed at her going out with other guys. You won't date her and you are almost as big of a man-whore as Les…You're being a hypocrite…I'm really surprised she hasn't kneed you in the balls yet because you're being a complete asshole to her…Even though you won't admit it, we all know you love her. Just get your shit together and then date the girl for God's sake. You'd both be happier and you wouldn't be such a dick to be around…Just think about it."
Lexi and I stared at each other, saying nothing. If we could hear Tank, then Carlos and Tank could easily hear us and I didn't want them to hear me. My thoughts and feelings were far too raw. I was angry at Carlos. He played with me like a yo-yo world champion. And what made me even angrier was that I was frustrated with myself. Even though he was treating me poorly, I continued to love him. It scared me to think what that meant about my self-confidence. While I mentally warred with myself, Lexi continued painting my nails. She knew that I'd decided to go on my date with Jason, regardless of what we just heard.
The rest of the afternoon was spent in prep. Lexi stuck around because she wanted to see fireworks rivaling the Forth of July in Abuela's living room. I wanted to be angry at her for that, but if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd probably do the same thing. Well…I'd probably also stick around in case my friend needed me if there were fireworks.
At 1900 on the dot, Jason rang the doorbell. Carlos, who had secluded himself in his room all afternoon, actually left his room to open the door. I'm not sure if he wanted to growl and make Jason run for the hills or just wanted to size him up. He spoke to him for a couple of minutes about God knows what, but there were no fireworks. Hell, Carlos showed no emotion whatsoever. If I didn't remember our conversation yesterday, my nighttime visit last night, or what Tank said to Carlos earlier, I would think that he didn't care that I was going on a date with a very-handsome-in-an-Abercrombie-and-Fitch-way guy.
My date was like I expected – nice, but boring. I liked Jason. Hell, I think he's a great guy, just not for me. If I could set him up with anybody, I'd actually set him up with Valerie. He was a nice, loyal, genuine guy who ultimately wanted a normal, boring family life with a normal, boring job in some mid-level managerial position. Unfortunately, she already made her bed. I just hoped she didn't get crabs from sharing it with Steve.
While Jason was driving me back to Abuela's after the movie, he glanced over at me and said, "We're not going to go past this point, are we?" I felt a stab of guilt. I really wished I could like him as more than a friend.
"No, I don't think so. I wish I felt differently, but I think we're better as friends. I hope you understand," I replied.
"Actually, I feel the same way. You're a beautiful, smart, intelligent girl, but I think I'd bore you after a while."
"I think I'd drive you crazy after a while. I don't see myself having a conventional life or career when I graduate." Oh, if he only knew how very unconventional my future looked.
"Friends?" he asked me hopefully.
"Definitely."
He walked me to the door and gave me a hug and kiss goodnight. I kind of wish he realized this tomorrow, or even next week, if only so I could get a good make-out session for Carlos to see. Opening the door, I turned and looked back at Jason, "Thank you. I really did have a great time tonight."
"Me, too, Steph. Good night." After I closed and locked the door he walked back to his car and took off.
Walking farther into the house, I found Carlos sitting at the kitchen table, picking at the label on his beer bottle.
"Have a good night?" he asked me.
"Yeah, I did. Jason's a great guy." Provided I don't have to kiss him or be more than friends with him – not that I'd tell Carlos that.
"He's not the right guy for you." Well…damn.
"I know." I sighed.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" For loving and rejecting me at the same time? For toying with me? For making me smell skank on you last night? That Jason isn't the right guy for me? If only I could let myself actually verbalize all these things, but I was scared. If I said all mean but truthful these things, could our friendship survive?
"I'm just sorry, Babe." He got up, kissed me on the forehead and walked back to his room, leaving me standing in the kitchen completely confused. I finally came to and walked back to my own room.
I pulled out my journal which I had been neglecting recently. As I started writing, tears silently fell onto the page, slightly blurring my words.
April 27, 2002
Song of the Day: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
I'm so confused. Carlos and I talked yesterday. Well, maybe more like half-argued. He says he loves me, but we can't be together. He can't commit. He gets upset about me dating other guys, but then goes out and sleeps with a different girl every night if I inferred correctly from what I've seen and heard this weekend.
After we talked yesterday, he went out to Batista's – again. He came back in the middle of the night and crawled into bed with me. He thought I was sleeping and said that he loved me and he didn't want to hurt me. He fell asleep cuddling with me and then I caught a whiff of some woman's perfume. I…I didn't know what to do. I wanted to wake him up and yell at him, hit his chest and just basically have a meltdown, but I didn't. Instead I just lay there, struggling and barely succeeding to keep my tears from falling until I finally fell back to sleep.
I tried to retaliate today. I asked Jason out so that I could show Carlos that I wasn't waiting – just like he told me. I wanted to make him jealous, but I'm pretty sure I failed. He talked with Jason when he came to pick me up. He was so freaking calm, I wanted to punch him. Lexi was disappointed that Carlos didn't blow up. She figured since he already acted like an ass, she could at least appreciate the drama of it all. Ugh. I blame this on the fact that she grew up watching telenovelas with Mrs. Santos each night.
Of course tonight had to be the night that Jason told me he thought we were better off as friends and I totally agree. It's that since he told me that, there was no chance to make out and piss off Carlos. No, instead I come in and find him at the kitchen table nursing a bottle of beer. He has to tell me that he knows that Jason isn't the right guy for me. The smartass in me wanted to say, "Well no shit, Sherlock! We both know it's you and you won't effing man up and be with me!" Instead I kept it civil and just said that I knew that Jason wasn't "it". Then he told me he was sorry, but I have no idea what he is sorry for! He is so damned insufferable. I mean what the hell?! I'm fuming. I'm even tempted to run him over like I did Morelli! He's just lucky that Uncle Charlie drilled out the majority of my impetuousness. Just because I want to do things, doesn't mean I do them anymore. Though I have a feeling it'd be really satisfying to break Carlos' leg…. And with that thought, I'm scaring even myself. Yeesh!
To top it off, I'm so mad at myself because I still love Carlos. He told me not to. He's treating me like crap. And I keep taking it. My little bit of revenge didn't even work. He didn't feel what I felt last night. He was way too calm for it to have affected him. Of course, if it did work, I'd probably be mad at myself for hurting him. I can't freaking win – with him or with myself.
And damn it all to hell because I need to figure out some way to deal with this. I have to spend all summer with him and Les. Fuck….