Chapter Thirty-Seven: Survival of the Fittest
Disclaimer: I hate calling the wrong number. It's embarrassing.
A/N: No excuses.
I'M SO FREAKING SORRY! HAVE YOU ALL GIVEN UP ON ME? I have a list of many many excuses down on the bottom A/N if you seek further information.
-HIDES IN CORNER FROM READERS-
(Hi this is Rachael just to let you all know there will be a weasel attack on you all, so watch out for that and whatever you do don't try and feed them milk...trust me it only makes them angrier).
Thank to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter. (There were 34! In Order): SarahtheEmpath, AliceC1, creativeLexii23, klutzygirl34, twilightgal101, Jasperismylover, hyperactive-chickidee, Kari Twilight Mist, I(dot)Run(dot)With(dot)The(dot)Cullens, TeaCullen, Samm(dot)Clearwater, FabioandRichard4Ever, bbbff1996, princesss-charly, I got imprinted on, vampirekitty lives on, La tua Cantante101, Angel JJK, jazzie-luvs-me-22, Rachael Clare, abbers102, lets(dot)love, Lyrannae, Kyleena, Fangirl-of-Werewolves, Hawktalon(dot)of(dot)Windclan, Yellow Maniac, Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen, jamstar4ever, lil alice hale, The Darksider, Harrie-x and Minato-niisan.
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EsPOV
Another day at home doing nothing. It's been a month now since the family has done something abnormal together.
Though being vampires is quite possibly considered abnormal in the first place but meh. We really need to do something as a family. Families do activities together right?
"Yeah they usually do," Edward said from his bedroom. Is my boy reading into his mother's private thoughts? How dare him. No dinner for him tonight.
"That makes no difference!" Edward shouted, "I don't eat!"
"But Bella does," I said. That would get to him.
"WHAT?! You would deny Bella food because I read your mind?" Edward whispered as he came racing out of the room and got down on his knees and pleaded to me.
"No. I just wanted to see you on your hands and knees grovelling."
"Oh," was his only reply. Suddenly a flash went off.
I looked to see Alice with her digital camera taking pictures of Edward.
"HAPPY SNAPS!" she laughed evilly.
"Why you little pixie," Edward growled as he launched into attack mode and began to chase after her.
"Careful of the furniture!" I screamed.
Jasper came up alongside me. "Usually mothers say 'careful of the children'."
"You're all old enough to take care of yourselves," I shrugged.
"But... but... mummy!" Jasper whined.
"You're a vampire. Suck it up," I replied.
Jasper pouted, "Fine but you're off my Christmas card list!"
"You would deny your mother a Christmas card?" I tricked him into believing I was distressing.
Jasper softened, probably detecting my distress that I put on, "I'm sorry mummy," he said as he pulled me into a hug.
MWAHAHAHA! Sucker. Mothers know best how to make their children obey.
I rule the world!
"I forgive you son," I replied trying to hide my mirth.
Okay if Jasper fell for that when he can read emotions then this family must seriously be deluded into thinking that they aren't bored.
I need an idea. I need an idea. I need an idea.
I HAVE AN IDEA!
This is going to have some hilarious moments as the family are all restricted of something they do daily.
"Everyone meet in Carlisle's and I's bedroom!" I shouted.
"We always seem to be meeting in weird places except the Living Room," Alice noticed.
"YOU ALL KNOW WHY!" Carlisle said leaping into the room and did the V sign with his fingers to Alice's eyes, then his and back again to Alice's.
"Yes we all know you have a fear of the Living Room," Rosalie said. Where's Emmett? I thought to myself.
"In the kitchen on his laptop," Edward answered my thoughts, AGAIN! Did I not say "thought to myself"?
"What is he doing on it? EMMETT.... Come here now," I yelled.
I could hear his footsteps coming closer.
"Guys has anyone here seen Charlie the Unicorn 3? It is the bomb digity. Ring ring... hello? Ring ring... hello? Ring ring... hello? Ring ring... hello?"
"YOU HAVE A BAD CONNECITON!" Jasper yelled. (A/N: WATCH CHARLIE THE UNICORN 3!)
"Hey man. That is what Charlie said to the other two! You have seen it," Emmett said high fiving Jasper.
"You made me watch it twenty minutes ago," Jasper replied.
"It's awesome!" Emmett said, awe was evident in his voice.
"Children, children, hush up. I have an idea to beat boredom," I raised my voice to compete with the boys.
"Sorry," Emmett and Jasper replied in unison.
"Now I was thinking of having a game of "Survival of the Fittest"," I began.
"I am strong!" Emmett randomly burst out.
"Not in that sense and do not interrupt me Emmett Cullen. This game is where you each have to give up something you do daily for exactly 24 hours. If you cave then you are eliminated and the surviving one is the winner. Everyone follow?" I asked.
"What does the winner get?" Bella asked.
"Nothing except the sheer enjoyment and eternal bragging rights."
"But I'm not able to live for eternity yet," Bella pouted. Edward growled when she said 'yet'.
"But you will one day my dear," I said.
"Do we get to decide what we give up?" Alice asked.
"No," I immediately stated. "If I did Emmett would just give up wearing underwear."
"Too-shay," Emmett concluded.
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BPOV
"So what are we being made to survive without for a day?" Jasper asked.
Always the formal one, except for that day where Emmett spoke formally. That was one day that we will probably never see again.
"LOVE ME LOVE ME!" Emmett shouted out and everyone stared at him. "What? It was said by the starfish in Charlie the Unicorn 3."
"Moving on or we will never start," Esme said.
"I can handle the cold hard truth doc. Give it to me straight," Emmett said while putting on a dramatic pose.
"Okay here comes the list. Alice has to give up shopping in every possible way: internet, over the phone, television etc. Rosalie has to give up her makeup, Edward has to give up his car, Bella has to give up sugar, Jasper has to give up his blanket, Emmett has to give up the laptop and Carlisle... has to give up... coffee."
We all stood there in silence.
WAIT? NO SUGAR!
Suddenly, and instantly, everyone began to shout about what they were to give up.
Not my precious candy, my precious sugar. Anything but the skittles!
"Calm down!" Esme shouted and blew a random purple whistle that she had pulled out of nowhere. WTF?
Esme continued once there was quiet in the house. "The game will start at 3pm which is in exactly two hours and will go till tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. Any questions?"
Everyone shook their head and went back to freaking out about what they had to sacrifice for twenty four hours so that they could win the game. Suddenly Carlisle blurted out.
"WHAT? What do you mean by no coffee?!" Whoa bit slow there Papa Bear.
"Carlisle you have to. It's a game called Survival of the Fittest and you have to give up something you are addicted to. And coffee is just that," Alice said gently to him.
"But... but... coffee completes me," Carlisle stuttered. Aww... he looks so lost without it. But then he suddenly cheered up.
"Oh I know... I must drink what I would be drinking tomorrow, tonight!" with that he ran into the kitchen.
He is not going to drink seventeen cups of coffee within the space of 2 hours? That's a day's worth!
"Look at me, look at me, look at me!" Esme yelled. We all turned to look at her.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME!" Esme screamed. I think she has some issues. But then again... who doesn't?
Except Santa Clause.
But then again, he thinks he can fit down all those small chimneys. He isn't no thin model.
Wait... back to the dilemma; no sugar!
"Shut up!"Esme raised her voice, "You have one hour and thirty five minutes till it starts. I would become adjusted to having to survive a day without your selected obsession if I were you."
"If you were me you'd be a guy," Emmett said. Edward scoffed.
"Are you calling me a girl?" Emmett asked Edward. No fight will break out in the house I hope.
"Yes."
"YOU'RE GAY!"
"What has that got to do with you being a girl?" Edward asked.
"Exactly!" Emmett said smugly and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Get a life!" Rosalie shouted as she walked up the stairs. No doubt to go cake face herself. She looks gorgeous without make up.
"I do have one! It's immortal," Jasper smiled.
..
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CPOV
My life is over, I thought to myself as I plonked down onto the bed. I HATE LIFE!
Wow I sound like a teenager whose parents won't let them go out to the latest party because there would be 'illicit substances, alcohol, and desperate girls'.
But none of that is as important as being denied coffee. I love that stuff more then I love Jesus.
And trust me... that may be a lot.
Hang on... I am meant to be drinking seventeen cups of coffee in the space of under an hour! I can do this! I thought as I rolled up my sleeves.
After preparing the coffee, I lined the mugs up all in a row on the bench.
"Seventeen cups of coffee on the bench, seventeen cups of coffee. You pick one up and guzzle it down. Sixteen cups of coffee on the bench!"
"Carlisle are you singing a song while downing coffee?" Esme called from the dreaded Living Room.
"So what if I am?"
"Meh... nothing. Just thought I'd tell you that you're singing it an octave to... high."
Don't I have a man voice? I AM MANLY! Coffee!
Back to the coffee. I had just finished my last cup when Esme called us into the cleaning closet.
"This reminds me of the janitors closet at school huh Rose?" Emmett winked and nudged Rosalie.
What have my innocent children been doing in there?
"Yeah all those times we played SNAP and you lost?" Rose said.
"Ah SNAP! That's okay. Thought you were doing something else in there for a second," I shuttered.
"Like what?" Alice laughed.
"Like... drugs!" All the teenagers began to burst out laughing. What? I know they wouldn't do IT in there. They do it enough at home.
"Would you all shut up!" Esme shouted and blew a black whistle that she pulled out from somewhere. "When I say the word 'now' you cannot have your allocated obsession for a period of 24 hours. NOW!"
The whole room began to dry sob. Except Bella who was actually crying and Jasper who had a squirty bottle filled with water and sprayed it on his eyes to make it look like he was crying. Just looks like sweat to me.
Edward tried to comfort Bella "It's okay. How about we go and munch on a carrot or something?"
Bella looked offended, "A CARROT!? No way... it's orange! I don't even really like the orange skittles. I eat them second to last!"
"Wait... you have an order in which you eat them?" Jasper asked.
"Sure. First I eat the yellow ones, then orange, green, purple then red. I love red... reminds me of blood. See I'd be a good vampire!" Bella shouted.
"Ah the objective is to not think about blood when you're a vampire to build up your resistance," Edward said.
Bella shook her head, "technicalities."
Hey what about their dear old father? No coffee!
"You drank seventeen cups in forty eight minutes."
"STOP HURTING MY FEELINGS EDWARD!" I sobbed.
"How about we sing a song?" Alice chirped in.
"Oh I know... the Ants go marching one by one," Esme said while everyone looked at her, "what? It is." I looked outside the window... what do you know? It is raining.
"Race you outside," I challenged the room and then fled.
----
EPOV
It's been twenty hours, five minutes, forty two seconds and sixteen milliseconds since I had smelt my car, Viola. Do you know how hard that is? I feel as though I have lost my muse. I really need to go eat a pie or something.
Everyone is suffering. Carlisle has sunken low enough to drink water with brown food colouring in it, Rosalie has used chalk on herself, Alice has begun cleaning out her closet for the seven time in the last hour.
Bella is eating low fat yoghurt like it's going out of style (out of date more like it), Jasper is rocking back and forth hugging a pillow, whispering "Blankie, come back Blankie," and Emmett is acting like a horse and imitating Charlie and the Unicorn word for word as he rein acts all three of the videos.
The family was seriously screwed up. I would think that a teenager could service without the internet for a day. Maybe... I was wrong. Oh I just admitted I was wrong!
You know what this calls for?
OREOS!
I jumped out of my seat and wandered into the kitchen to see Esme baking.
"What are you after? Candy for Bella?" Esme asked me as she held up a knife. Um... this isn't at all dangerous.
Technically it's not because I'm a vampire and knives won't do much damage, if any at all.
"Um... I just want an oreo or so mummy. My life is ending and I need depression food."
"Don't be silly Eddie. Your life isn't ending you weird child."
"IT WAS METAPHORICAL!" I cried and grabbed the packet of Oreos from the cabinet above the fridge.
I walked back into the lounge room and saw Bella had moved onto munching on a carrot. She looked up as I walked in.
"You brought me Oreos? We still have just over an hour to go. Please don't put me on a treadmill and tie one to a piece of string and dangle it in front of me!" Bella screamed in horror like she was reliving a nightmare.
"No. I'm going to eat them,' I stated simply.
Bella got down on her knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY!?" she cried.
"Cause my life is over," I said.
"It's stupid. You don't even technically have to eat! I hate life!" Bella screamed.
"I'm sorry honey."
"mehehemehehe," Bella said like a young child mimicking their parent, "bite me!"
"I WISH!" Emmett shouted.
"Go dig a hole Emmett," Bella shouted back.
"OMG! I shall. China here I come."
"Not again," Jasper muttered.
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For the last five minutes we had all been crowding around the clock in the kitchen watching the minutes slowly tick by... just waiting. "TIME'S UP!" Esme shouted.
The whole family cheered and began to separate, going their different ways to reconnect with their lost possessions.
"I CANT GET OVER. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!" Jasper sang to his blanket.
"You're singing that song by September?" Rose asked.
"Hush. Blankie needs his beauty rest."
The whole living room (yes the living room), beside Carlisle as he was sitting just outside the doorway with his miniature battery operated coffee machine, went silent.
"Hang on guys. Jasper has a blankie?" Bella asked. Everyone groaned except Alice who began launching into the story of why Jasper has it.
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Do you all hate it that I can't post regularly lately? Please be honest. Are there any readers out there still? Show your love and review. Here are my excuses.
1. I had a family emergency last month
2. I recently got my Learners Licence and the week before that I studied the booklet like crazy.
3. My half-yearly exams were last week so the week before that and last week was allocated to study.
4. I've recently become addicted to the Twilighted Forums.
5. MASSIVE WRITERS BLOCK LIKE YOU WOULND'T BELIEVE!
6. I've actually had OVER half of this chapter written for almost two months now but could never find the motivation to finish.
7. Please don't hate me!
8. I had the common cold for two days this weekend and could not be stuffed to sit at the computer.
Also... I've gotten a number of reviews (flames or just normal) about how I make Emmett out to be the dumb one. It's just that he is easier to use. To be honest, everyone in the Cullen family in my story is pretty stupid and random. I don't just pick on Emmett.
Now onto the poll votes about Bella becoming a vampire in Chapter 50.
Vampire: 50
Human: 9
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Preview for Chapter 38: "The way you properly use it is like this..."
Review for EXTENDED preview and Chapter Title
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