Stephenie Meyer... owns nearly all my characters but not my imagination.
For some reason, whenever I stress out over a chapter, it comes back from Beach and VampyreGirl86 with hardly any changes and that's what happened this week. Thanks girls - you make this very easy for me.
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Chapter 37 – My Girl
Edward
After a fitful night's sleep, I was pleased when they gave Bella the all clear to leave on Saturday morning. She left with the names of two counselors in Seattle, refusing their offer to have a local person come and talk to her in the hospital before they released her. Like me, she was hesitant to go back to the nightmare of last night.
On a brighter note, I did well with the clothes. Not that Bella ever looked sloppy, but the long stretchy skirt and the slim padded jacket with the sheepskin-lined boots looked good on her - really good. The boots opened right up so she could actually get them on and the swelling of the ankle was already going down.
I took all the credit, until she looked through the bags and asked me a question that made me want to face palm.
"Did you get any pajamas?"
Please tell me her father didn't wonder about that omission.
"Or anything to just lounge around in?"
No, you're pretty much stuck in the skirt for the whole weekend, Bella. Your fiancé is an idiot.
"I can go back. I know the store now."
"Um… maybe. You'll need something for yourself won't you?"
It was worth taking the opportunity to see if she'd changed her mind. "Or we could just go home." Her eyes grew wide and she shook her head anxiously so I knew not to pursue it.
This is why we ended up in the parking lot of the Shelton Walmart Superstore having a disagreement about how she was going to manage to come in with me. I wanted to carry her and she told me she could walk now, that she'd be fine if she leaned on a cart.
We compromised and I carried her to the cart.
She was always coming with me whether I carried her or not. Neither of us brought up the option of her waiting in the car even though it was an unusually brilliant clear Washington winter morning. The wind had blown every particle of dust away, leaving a vivid blue sky.
This time, I brought her clothes to her for inspection and she nodded half-heartedly, hardly looking at them.
"You okay, babe?"
"Yeah, I just wish it was this time yesterday," she said in a melancholy voice as she limped along behind the cart. "We were having such a good morning."
"That's right! The new image! It's really that good?" I tried to sound excited to bring her back to me and she gave me the tiniest smile, before grimacing in pain and then shuffling forward.
"You have no idea how perfect it is. I want to disappear and go to a warm beach like that for a while."
I kissed her forehead and said, "Come on you. Let's go check out this hotel."
- bURN -
"Edward, this is beautiful." Bella said quietly from my arms as I carried her past a large toy soldier into the foyer of the Alderbrook. I was thinking the same thing myself, now worried that I should have called ahead to book.
There were huge gingerbread houses on display, big enough for a child to play in but made of real gingerbread, and the smell was amazingly welcoming. There were other smaller ones too, labeled as entries in a local competition, and a Christmas tree stuffed with a thousand candy canes stood next to them.
"Wow, I never knew that," she said, reading the sign on the tree. "Candy canes are a symbol of the shepherd's crook; the shepherds who first spread the word that Christ was born." She hugged her arms tightly around my neck and kissed my cheek, then rubbed her face against my stubble.
There was a family having photos taken in a huge red Santa sleigh and a North Pole post office box stationed next to a roaring fire.
"Carrying her over the threshold?" the woman who greeted us asked merrily.
"Oh no, sprained ankle!" I answered, setting Bella down on her feet. "I was wondering if you have any rooms available for tonight."
She checked her computer and said, "We're not fully booked. There are still three cottages and we have a queen guestroom overlooking the water. There's no elevator and it is upstairs but it's ready for immediate check in."
"Can I please have a look at it?"
"Of course, are you going to…?" She looked at Bella, asking me with her eyes if I was going to carry her up there.
"Oh, yeah, she weighs nothing."
I heard Bella mutter under her breath, "That's gonna change sooner than we thought," and I chuckled, picking her up as the woman handed her a key and gave us instructions.
"I could get used to this, handsome," she said to me smirking. It was the first real happiness I'd seen in her since the ultrasound. She opened the door as I leaned us down and I sat her on the daybed at the expanse of windows. She looked out and said, "Yes please," with a sigh.
The Alderbrook Resort sat on the banks of the Hood Canal with sweeping views of the snow-covered Olympic Mountains in the distance. Down here, the snow had blown away and on this glorious day, you could imagine it in the summer with ski boats pulling up to the long jetty, kayaks and families playing on the huge lawn the hotel surrounded. The main hotel was a semi-circle of rambling accommodation and function rooms made of stone and timber leading down to a spa, fitness center and glassed in pool.
Adjoining the hotel were a dozen cottages of varying sizes with their own access to the water, a grassy play area, gazebos and scattered lawn furniture. About a mile behind the resort was an eighteen-hole golf course and I started thinking it would be a good spot for a group weekend away.
When I came back to the room with our Walmart bags, Bella was in the same position, looking over the folder provided. She looked at me and stared out as if she could see something I couldn't.
"You know, this would make an incredible venue for a wedding. They put up tents out on the lawn over there."
"Not during winter, Bella, and you'll be showing soon. We need to do something sooner rather than later."
She looked like I'd insulted her and she was ready to defend herself. "Why? I don't mind showing I'm pregnant at my wedding. I'm not ashamed of it."
Okay, I'm not sure why I waste my time expecting normal reactions out of this woman. "I… Neither am I... It just doesn't seem very traditional."
She was still coming at me, clearly on the defense. "Well we haven't had a very traditional relationship so far have we? Sleeping together before we even had sex, living in the apartment you shared with your previous wife and trying for a baby before I had a ring on my finger!"
"I asked your father for your hand in marriage! That was pretty traditional!" I smiled at her, trying to lighten this up.
Her mouth dropped open and she looked astounded. "Not when you didn't give me the ring for over a month!"
It was too much. I started to chuckle through every word I said. "You didn't seem like you were going to say yes."
She started to laugh too and then she seemed overcome with emotion. "You don't know how much I love you, Edward Cullen. I don't know what I'd do without you."
I sat down next to her and gently kissed her, moving her hair over her shoulder. "Well you don't have to find out because you're stuck with me. I knew if I knocked you up you'd have to marry me eventually."
"You knew huh?" She looked over my face and said, "God you look hot with that scruff." Then she dragged her teeth over my jaw and moaned. I was a goner after that. She molested me into agreeing to look seriously at this place as our wedding venue.
Firstly, we went downstairs to see if they had any dates that would suit us and found that this place was booked solid right through spring and summer, often holding four weddings at a time. There were no free dates until the second weekend in August and then only in the largest function room available. We could take half of it and seat ninety but I knew between the extended Cullen family and the people we'd have to invite for the business, there would hardly be enough room for the people who would want to attend for Charlie Swan. Thank God, Bella's family was tiny or we'd have three-hundred for sure.
Still, it was only money and I don't think she realized that our first royalty payments were about to hit our accounts. It seemed ludicrous that I was getting more than she was but she'd reap the benefits anyway so who cared. The publishers always made the most money on the deal and she knew that. Dad was already making a killing.
We had lunch in the restaurant, admiring the huge snowflake decorations that hung from the rafters and the silver Christmas tree with its hand-crafted reindeer, complete with rocking horse sleigh. Then we slowly walked around the resort, taking in the features, ending up on a couple of padded deckchairs where we soaked up the afternoon sun, holding hands and enjoying the peace of this place.
"Did you want to have a big wedding, Edward?" she asked with her eyes closed, facing up to the sun.
I turned on my side and got comfortable before answering. "Yeah, why not, we can afford it. I have to tell you the last one was forgettable, so I'd like a big celebration this time."
She shaded her eyes and looked at me now. "Well then we have to get this right for you because I really don't care."
"If we got married here, I'd like to make a weekend of it; have the rehearsal dinner on Friday night, bring the boat up for some skiing on Saturday and really chill out. Maybe we could stay for the Sunday as well. That would fit in with our non-traditional theme."
She smiled at me and said, "We'll have a baby with us by then."
I nodded, having forgotten this important piece of information. "Oh yeah, that would be the very non-traditional nuptials with the first-baby-in-the-wedding-photos."
She giggled and then closed her eyes again.
"I would like to have Jake in the wedding party."
"Sure, I don't have a problem with that." She squeezed my hand and I realized I said it before thinking what I'd just agreed to. Having Jake was the least traditional thing we could do but there was no way I could tell her why I felt that way so I kept going before she sensed my pause. "I guess Em should be best man and it would be nice to ask Garrett as well."
"Three. Okay Rose, Angela and…I don't know who the third would be. It would have to be Alice I suppose. You know neither of us has a lot of close friends."
"I blame my first wife for that. What's your excuse, Puss?"
She looked at me seriously and answered, "Hmm, let's see. Going to college in Boston, being shunned when I left Macmillan's and… probably going out with a guy who ended up torching himself."
I immediately sat up and frowned at the callous way she said it. "Christ Bella, do you want to talk about it? I'm ready when you are."
She studied me closely for a second, then answered, "Not yet, but it's never far from my thoughts. I'm trying to stay above it and coming here was the best thing we could have done. It's giving me something wonderful to focus on."
I decided to keep her distracted. "When are you going to tell your mother about the baby?"
"Um, I think we should wait until the magical fourteen weeks like you said."
"I don't think you have to worry about anything now. You saw how strong that kid was. I think we can tell everyone. I want to tell everyone."
"Who are you and what have you done with Edward Cullen?"
"Well you saw what I saw – all that flipping over and jumping around and that heartbeat was crazy. What about the pointy nose? That's gotta come from the Swan side of the family."
"Shut up, you!" She hit me as she laughed and I knew I'd done my job - my fiery Bella was back.
I ran my finger down her arm, making sure I just glanced the boobs and said, "Hey you know how we were making out before lunch? You want to have a siesta before dinner?"
She smirked at me and said, "Carry me back and I'm yours, scruffy."
- bURN -
There was actually a small wedding taking place tonight in one of the Mt. Washington rooms and we got talking to our server, telling her we were thinking of getting married here. She asked us to wait before coming back with a wedding menu and we chose our meal from the same thing they were serving to the wedding guests. I had the grilled swordfish and Bella had an eight-ounce fillet.
"What?" she asked as I watched her ravenously tear into her steak, my eyebrow speaking for me. "I'm eating for two you know."
"Fine," I said enjoying stirring her up. "How is it?"
"Incredible. It melts in your mouth."
"Just as well. Choose that steak and there's fifty-five dollars per guest. On that basis, I'm estimating roughly two-fifty a head by the time we add everything up. That's fifty grand."
She put her fork down, still chewing, like it had turned into a piece of rubber. "Oh my God! We should rethink this!" She put her chin in her hand and looked out at the Christmas tree lit up outside. "That's a ridiculous amount of money."
I leaned back and smiled at her stressing. "I'm just pulling your chain. I'm not worried about the money. We're only going to do this once."
She narrowed her eyes at me and said, "Or twice, in your case, scruffy."
- bURN -
I must have been kidding myself to think that Bella's snarky manner was anything more than a cover for what was really going on because Saturday night unleashed the battle with her demons.
She had nightmares – one after the other – sweating and looking terrorized when she woke. She clung to me and cried but it didn't seem to help.
The late sunrise on Sunday morning was a blessing. It was another beautiful clear day and for a while, she made an effort to be happy. Then she became worried about the dark circles under her eyes and refused to go down to the dining room so I ordered us room service. It seemed like we would be okay if we could keep the rest of the world out.
She didn't have any problem with me, thankfully, constantly telling me how much she loved me and saying how grateful she was that we'd come all this way to rescue her. She seemed to be dwelling on what would have happened if no one had come looking for her.
As if I could have stayed away.
The girl who had convinced me to look at this place for our wedding was gone. She wasn't sure about the venue now, wanting to investigate other options, coming up with ridiculous reasons of isolation and inconvenience for our guests when I saw just the opposite – a place that ticked all the boxes for me if I wanted a big wedding that gave our relatives and friends a nice relaxed weekend together – something memorable. What was the point in looking at other places when it was halfway between Forks and Seattle? I don't know why she couldn't see that it was perfect.
I used the excuse of taking our bags to the car and put a deposit down for both halves of the Olympic Ballroom for Saturday night, August 10.
Bella
The closer we got to Seattle, the more anxious I felt. Having to tell everyone what had happened meant I had to relive it and I kept reliving a version where Edward died in the snow. I knew it wasn't real, but each time my fragmented brain processed what had happened, the horror of that outcome wouldn't go away.
On Saturday, I felt like I had a guardian angel with me. Edward seemed to pull me out of the depths and there were many times during the day when we laughed and I could feel whole and optimistic again, like it had never happened. He was so wonderful; I'd never be able to make it up to him.
Then Saturday night the nightmares came where Edward was gone and I woke, mad with relief to find him alive and next to me.
The reality of what had happened was still with me every second though, and I remembered drawing strength from my love for this man I was going to marry. Something very powerful gave me enough purpose to hold my breath and take a blood-soaked coat from a corpse; enough might to withstand the feeling of Jimmy's blood penetrating my clothes as I crawled up towards the forest where I had light from the fires.
I got lucky when I found the lighter right next to the gas can and a dribble left to light the first piece of wood. I even thought James had planned it that way to give me shelter, fuel and a way to light it. I thought it was a miracle, an answer to my anguished prayer.
In the cold light of day, I knew I had been truly lucky, closer than any of them knew to giving up and going to sleep. It would have killed Edward, just as if James had shot him through the heart.
Really, no matter what Piper Hunter thought, I no reason to feel blame for what had happened. Sure, I had left the building with him, but Jessica saw what a mess he was. I believe she would agree with me that to turn him away at the time would have been heartless.
He drugged me and maybe I could have seen that coming, but it never occurred to me at the time that he was planning anything more than a coffee.
I had apologized several times for putting Edward through hell. He knew I meant it, he hadn't pursued it and I loved him even more for it.
No, my real problem was my morbid preoccupation with what could have happened and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like a sickness eating away at me and trying to act normally was becoming harder every hour. People would know there was something wrong and I could already hear them whispering about how weird Bella was acting.
Well fuck them. They didn't see someone they used to care about pour gas over his head and watch himself with interest as he burned to death. After reliving it many times, I was convinced that James had enjoyed it. He hadn't screamed and until the end I think he thought he was going to survive it. Maybe he had some screwed up idea that it was going to be his Holy Fire.
I was beginning to feel hatred for him and there was no way I was going anywhere near his funeral, especially with Jimmy's mother gunning for me in her grief.
No, someone else could tidy those ends up and they could all go to hell.
"What was that, babe?"
"Sorry?"
"You were laughing. Care to share the joke with your boyfriend? It's the first noise to come out of you for a while."
Fuck. At least he didn't say mumbling. He said laughing. Think of something quickly. Anything.
"Oh yeah, I was thinking about the baby waving at us."
"That was cute. Hey, in a few weeks time, we'll be able to get the sex at the next ultrasound. You know a high heartbeat is supposed to mean a girl?"
I smiled at him. He was always researching and coming up with interesting facts that I'd never heard of. "I didn't even know you wanted a girl, Edward."
"No, I don't care. I just want a baby. How about you?"
"No preference."
That was it; the sum total of our conversation for an hour and a half trip. He looked over at me several times and I saw the look on his face. He knew I wasn't right. He was thinking about how he could fix me but he couldn't.
I had to find a way through this on my own.
As soon as we settled in our apartment, we plugged our dead phones in to charge and the alerts for incoming texts and voicemails made me turn my sound off. I knew this would happen. The world rushed straight in to taunt us and want answers. I ignored them and went straight to the shower, thinking I might break down and cry now. It felt like I was in a place where nothing could hurt me, but no tears came. I felt numb instead.
I could hear Edward on his phone and when I came out hobbling, he said, "I have to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Who was that?"
"Charlie, he called to say the funerals are going to be held on Wednesday."
"Okay, but I'm not going to the funeral, Edward. You can tell him for me if you talk to him again. I need to go to bed. Will you please come with me?"
"Of course," he said without hesitating, plugging his phone back in and changing before joining me. He surrounded me with his arms and I felt whole again, falling asleep snuggled into his chest.
A nightmare woke me up and there was no one with me. I screamed for Edward and he raced in immediately, encircling me in his arms and telling me everything was okay.
"Where did you go?"
"We had a lot of calls to return, Bella. People are worried about you."
"Please don't leave me," I begged, hoping this was real and not the nightmare.
He laid me on my side with my back to his chest and pulled the comforter up around us saying, "You need to keep warm, remember?"
He was my warmth. He was the only thing keeping me from freezing to death in the snow.
Edward
"I don't think I can go in, Edward. My ankle is really sore today."
It was Thursday and she still wouldn't go into the office. One day the excuse was the ankle, and then it was a blinding headache, even morning sickness. She hadn't had one day of morning sickness until this week and it only seemed to appear when we had to break out of the cocoon of this apartment.
She was fine with me, almost normal, until I'd mention something like making a decision on where we were going to spend Christmas Day or that Emmett and Rosalie wanted to come over or meet us for dinner.
As far as I knew, she hadn't spoken to anyone except Charlie, not even Renee, who'd called me and asked if I wanted her to fly up. I was starting to think she should come because I was getting nowhere with Bella. I desperately needed her to realize she had a problem because she needed to see what I'd found – something that would clear her conscience for good.
The dreams continued, not as ferociously as those two first nights, but significantly interrupting our night's sleep and we were starting to get testy with each other.
"Well you promised him, Bella! The reporter will be there by nine."
"But I look like a wreck," she whined at me, expecting sympathy to get her out of her responsibilities.
"You don't really have a choice, baby. They organized this two weeks ago, so if you wanted to call it off, you should have done something about it."
She squeezed the bridge of her nose and scrunched up her face, breathing deliberately and heavily before staring me down. She could see I wasn't going to back down today. She could malinger as much as she needed to if it helped her to heal, but business was business and she knew the cardinal rule about never pissing off a member of the press.
It was suicide.
She huffed off into the bathroom, mumbling and cursing to herself about having to wear extra makeup, calling out, "You better tell me if I look overdone, Cullen."
"Sure, babe." I knew it was better to let her blow off steam now and not in the offices of Cullen Publishing.
She was jittery in the car and held my hand tightly in the elevator coming up from the parking lot. I tipped her chin up and said, "All you have to do is talk about your book. He's gonna love you." A tiny smile appeared on her lips and she put a single arm around my neck, leaning her head on my chest. It felt like my Bella was coming back.
Jess came straight around the counter to meet us and they hugged. Bella got emotional and then shook her outstretched fingers in the air as if it would stop the tears from starting. She dropped her laptop bag on her desk and took off into the bathroom, coming out minutes later, smoothing her hair and looking like she felt better.
I handed her a coffee and we seated ourselves in the meeting room, leaving a chair on one side of the table available for our reporter. Carlisle and I were both sitting in on this one, never having had a reporter from New York interview one of our clients here before.
He was on time and I greeted him immediately at the front desk. He was formal but polite and introduced himself as Jenks, handing out business cards like he was dealing a Las Vegas black jack table. He even winked at Bella and I instantly felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
"I wasn't invited to the launch in New York but some of my colleagues said it was a great night." It was like this open-ended question that left unnecessary tension in the air.
What the fuck were we supposed to say to that?
"It was." Bella's simple answer and smile was perfect. Good girl – she was back.
"The sales of this new book have been remarkable and it has intrigued a lot of us as to how an unknown publisher came to get involved with a big name from Paris. Care to comment?"
"She knew Mr. Cullen. We clicked. She liked my idea."
"Go on, Miss Swan."
"That's it."
He looked at us as if this was some kind of trick and then decided to move on to his next question.
"So, you changed her original book - significantly."
"No, it wasn't significant – it was more subtle than that."
"Well which particular sections did you write and what did you change? Are we talking about chapters or paragraphs?" He had his pen ready to write now.
"It's more complicated than that. It was conceptual."
He sat back, puffing out his own importance. "I understand how the process works, Miss Swan. Do you not wish to disclose which parts you wrote?"
"I'm sorry; I don't see why that's important."
"Did you actually write any of it?"
Oh boy, he affronted her with that last comment. She seethed and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Well your name is on the cover. Did you contribute to the book or not?"
She looked at him as if he'd just spoken Russian to her and expected her to understand.
"Why would you ask me that?"
He looked straight at Carlisle and said, "Please tell me this is not some publishing stunt? I flew a long way to do this interview."
"What exactly are you suggesting, Mr. Jenks?" she asked, glaring at him now.
"I'm suggesting, Miss Swan, that you took this interview knowing I'd be expecting to come away with some answers, maybe a scoop on how a Seattle girl ends up writing with an established French author and creates a damn good novel that people want to buy on both sides of the Atlantic. Unfortunately, you're giving me nothing so maybe there's nothing to tell. Perhaps that's what I should write."
"There is no need to come here and be so rude."
His shoulders dropped as if he could finally see he was out of line. "Okay, would you like to start from the top? I don't want you to feel like I've insulted you."
In a split second she assessed if this was worth continuing.
"No, why don't you fuck off back to New York instead!"
Seriously, if I could have laughed aloud I would have. He deserved everything she said but she knew she should never have uttered one word of it. I looked at my father who had gone a shade of purple I'd never seen a human wear before. He stood when Jenks started to pack his stuff quickly and followed him out. I could hear him trying to explain that Bella had been through a traumatic experience on the weekend and that it was totally his fault for thinking that she was fit for work. He asked him if he could take him to lunch to apologize but Jenks wanted out of here fast. He'd be on the noon flight back and writing his retribution in his head already.
Carlisle stormed back at us and stopped briefly as he passed the doorway, not even looking at Bella as he said to me, "Get her out of here, Edward. She's no good to me in this state."
"What state is that Carlisle?" she called after him. Oh God, I held my breath as I watched him turn around and glare at her.
"Don't come back in this office until you get rid of that rage or learn to channel it at something other than a New York Times reporter. Do you understand me?"
She looked at him, blinking her eyes and nodding but there was no apology. When he left, neither of us spoke. She rubbed the palm of her hand with her thumb and looked at an invisible object on the table. Then she put her face in both her hands and breathed out heavily before looking at me with pleading eyes.
"I can't go on like this Edward. I'm letting what he did destroy me. I need to talk to someone."
I tried to cover up my breath of relief so she wouldn't see me crumbling inside. "You're absolutely right, baby, and you know I'll be that someone any time you want."
She circled my upper arm with her hand and leaned on me, looking up into my eyes. "Can I sit on your lap when we talk?"
"Only if you kiss me first."
The smile she gave me told me everything I wanted to know for now. She loved me. She trusted me. She would let me help her and now she would help herself.
She was my girl.
...
The rec from Beach for this week is "Rear View Mirror" by Dishie
Bella enjoys her life as a successful chauffeur. After she's offered a position as the private driver for the Cullen family, her professionalism is challenged when Edward doesn't hide his desire for her. Can she fight her own attraction to the sexy entrepreneur? Will she be able to keep her eyes off the man in the rear view mirror?