If anyone has bought my book on Amazon since October first, would you please let me know? I am not seeing any sales on that sight, and I don't want to confront them unless I can prove that someone has indeed purchased the book since that date.

Other than that, please enjoy the story. And please review. I've been having a crappy week, and a kind word about my story would mean a lot right now.

COMFORTABLY NUMB

09/14/2002 - I just woke up and according to the clock, it's only five thirty. I feel like shit. I thought I was going to have the love of my life in my arms this morning, and instead, I am alone. She broke my heart. I think I finally understand Ian's insanity at the thought of losing her. Her lips were so ideal, her skin so fair, her hair so soft, her body so young and so perfect. I am crushed.

I have cried so many tears. Now I am just numb. I don't want to do anything. I wonder how long I could lay here before I would have to leave this room. I could piss in the bucket that once cradled the bottle of champagne that I had brought to drink in celebration of my budding romance with Wanda. What a joke. I'm a joke.

I was lying in the darkness contemplating my pathetic life. No Wanda. Not even Gina. I ignored the knock on the door. It was peaceful in this room in the dark, much like a tomb. If I died in here, I wonder if anyone would notice.

The knock on the door was more deliberate this time. "Nathan Downey. I know you're in there." It was Gina. "You are not aloud to feel sorry for yourself! You set yourself up for this!"

I could not face Gina right now. She was right. I set myself up for this. The problem was I knew I would do it again. I loved Wanda. I loved Gina, too, but she told me straight up that we would never be bed partners again if I did this thing with Wanda. I sure as hell didn't need her 'I told you so' speech.

She finally gave up and went away. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was about a half hour later, when I finally drifted off to sleep again. I was awakened when the light clicked on. I was afraid it might be Gina coming to exact her revenge. It was Victoria.

"Hey, handsome. You gonna sleep all day?"

"Is it still today?"

She walked to the bed and passed her fingers through my hair. "You'll feel better if you get up."

"For what? So I can say good-bye to Wanda?"

"No, but I remember a sweet guy telling me that when the bunkhouse is finished, I might get lucky enough to appropriate a room, so I won't have to freeze why ass off in the belly of this mountain."

"If I finish the bunkhouse, Wanda and Ian will get married."

"Wanda and Ian are going to get married regardless of whether or not the bunkhouse is finished. You know, bitter doesn't suit you."

"Tough shit."

"Fine. You want to be selfish. Go right ahead. You had Rachel cheating on her high school sweetheart for how long? Tell me she didn't have feelings for you. Oh, and Nadine. She won't even look at another guy. She's bound and determined to spend her life alone. Nadia waits and waits for you to show up, and it's not just to fuck you, you know. She loves you. Why do you think her father pushes you to marry her? A parent can always tell when their child is in love. And last but not least, Gina. She pretends to be happy with Evan. If she knew you could love her and only her—hell she'd drag you down the aisle."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Do you love me Victoria?"

"Not because I want to. I am just sensible enough to keep my heart at bay. I'd do anything for you Nate. You saved my life. Now, save yours. Get up and go to work. Don't let Wanda see how she's destroyed you. After she leaves, you can dig a hole and crawl into it, but don't let her see you like this."

Tori was right. I didn't need to give Ian the satisfaction of knowing that Wanda had broken me. I climbed out of the bed and remembered that I was fully clothed when I climbed in.

"Did you undress me?"

"I didn't look at anything, if that's what you are implying."

"It's not much to see anyway." I said it as a test because I knew I was the best built man on this mountain.

"I guess I haven't seen that many dicks then."

She made me smile. "I knew you looked."

"You are so stupid."

"No argument there."

"Go to work, Nate." Victoria headed for the door.

"Tori?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"I told you I'd have your back."

I dressed and headed out to the bunkhouse. The others were already there. All conversation stopped as I entered the room they were working on. Evan and Rob were running wires through the framework of the rooms. Tom was trying to hang sheetrock with Carlos and they were having a hard time of it. I immediately went over and helped. We were working nonstop for about two hours when I heard my name being called. I looked up and saw Wanda standing just inside the doorway holding a cup of coffee and a plate with a bagel on it. I continued to hammer the sheetrock into place.

"Nate!" she called out. "Can I see you for a minute?"

I kept hammering. The pain in my chest was so great. It felt like every time I slammed the hammer down on the nail, it was like hitting myself in the chest. I heard a weird squeak, and I looked up to see Wanda's face streaked with tears. She put the coffee and the bagel down on a table and ran from the room.

"Wanda!" I called out, as I dropped the hammer and ran after her.

I caught up to her, and she was sobbing. "I didn't want you to hate me."

"I don't."

"Just because I can't spend the rest of my life with you doesn't mean I don't love you because I do."

"Humans only love one person at a time. It's hard for me to accept that you could love both of us." This was biggest bunch of crock because I myself loved Wanda and Gina and maybe even Victoria. It was just different kinds of love.

"Well, I do. And I want you to know that when I go back to Ian, it will be with the understanding that I will always love you, too. He can't change that. I won't let him."

"No. He could just kill me. That's one way to take care of the problem."

"Stop that. I told you I love Ian, and he is the one I want to commit to, but this time, it has to be on my terms. I won't settle."

"Well, I wish you the best of luck. He is the prince of violence. Remember I am here for you always, and I will never hurt you."

We hugged for a long time. I didn't want to let go, but I needed to let her go with a little dignity. I finally pushed her back. "Call me, okay?"

"I will."

As she backed away, the lump in my throat returned, and I watched her until she was out of sight. I couldn't go back to the worksite and have the guys see me crying like a blithering idiot. I headed off into the woods. I needed to clear my head. I had been walking in the direction of my mother's grave. I thought if I could just talk to her, it might be of some help to me. I wasn't far from my mother's grave when I heard singing. I knew that voice anywhere. I stood still and listened.

"For whatever my man is—I am his—forever more. Oh, my man, I love him so—he'll never know. Oh, my life is just a spell—but I don't care."

I was drawn towards her. I stepped slowly toward her.

"When he takes me in his arms—the world is bright…"

I stepped on a branch, and it snapped. Gina stopped singing and turned towards me. Our eyes met.

"Barbra Streisand, right?"

"Right," she said in a quiet voice.

"It's beautiful. Your voice is beautiful."

"What are you doing here?" She seemed like a frightened rabbit.

"I was walking in the woods trying to straighten out my head. I heard your singing. I'm sure Evan knows you love him."

"I have to go," she croaked as she stepped past me.

"Gina!" I called out.

She stopped momentarily. "The song is about Evan, right?"

She nodded her head slowly. "Yeah, it's about Evan." She turned and walked quickly back towards the cave.

At that moment, I felt so alone. I made my way to my mother's grave. I was shocked to see a second flat stone lying in front of the stone that served as a marker. On it was painted a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It had roses and daffodils and baby's breath and ferns. It was almost as of she had taken the memory of a mother's day bouquet and painted it on the rock.

"Hi, mom—I see Victoria has been here. One thing I have to say about her is that she is true to her word, and she's a hell of an artist. My life is a huge mess." The tears began to pool again in my eyes. "I love her, Mom. I know it's a lost cause, and I should just let her go, but I can't. The week she was here was the happiest of my life. I feel like she died, and she took a piece of me with her. How did you deal with it when Dad died?"

My mother never loved another man after my father died. She dated on occasion, but she never got serious with anyone that I knew of. Was I destined to never love another woman?

"Mom, I love you, but I don't want to be like you. I don't want to be alone. I'm not getting any younger. I could love Gina the way she wants, but she loves Evan. I don't know." I began to sob. "I wish you were here, Mom. I need you." I fell to my knees and lay on her grave. "I'm so tired." My exhaustion took me, and I fell asleep on my mother's grave.

"Nathan, wake up."

I opened my eyes and Maria was staring down at me.

"Maria?"

"Yes, Nathan."

"I'm such a fool."

"Falling in love is not foolish. The fact that your heart still can feel these feelings, after all that's happened in this world, makes you a wonderful human being."

I rose to a sitting position, and Maria pulled me tightly into her arms. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement. I turned my head and saw Victoria standing a few feet away. "Tori."

"I knew you'd be here," she said quietly.

"The flowers are beautiful."

"I'm glad you like them."

"I did as you said. I let her go with dignity, but it hurts."

"I know it does. How about we get you back to the house? You can take a long hot bath."

She offered me her hand and pulled me to my feet. Each lady took an arm and together the three of us marched bravely back to the house.

Maria offered to run my bath. Victoria said she'd run back to the cave and get some clean clothing for me. I climbed into the whirlpool, and my entire body relaxed. I draped my arms over the back of the tub and tried to put myself in a good place. I told myself that losing Wanda wasn't the end of the world. After all, she said she still loved me. She just wasn't 'in love' with me. How many women had I said that to? All of them—except—Gina. The encounter in the woods left me scratching my head. It was the words to the song that got me. 'My man, I love him so—he'll never know'. How could Evan not know that she loves him? She's in his bed every night. Unless—she was singing about me. Her reaction made sense, but why lie? She knew that Wanda had rejected me. She knew I had been released from…She wouldn't take me back. She couldn't take me back. I had humiliated her. I blew out a deep sigh.

There was a knock on the door. It opened a few inches. "Mind if I come in?"

"No, I'm in the tub. You can come in if you want."

Tori stepped into the bathroom cautiously. "I brought your clothes."

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you and Wanda."

"I don't want to think about it right now. I feel numb, and I have to admit it's better than crying."

"Okay, I'll be in the funhouse, I guess."

"Don't go."

"You want me to stay?"

"You can join me."

"Um…"

"Tori, you don't have to get naked. You can wear your bra and panties."

"Okay."

She was so nervous. It was refreshing to see. Wanda was only seventeen, and she wasn't nervous. Guilty, but not nervous. Victoria was adorable. Here she was twenty-four years old, and she seemed almost virginal. It made me wonder if she was a virgin.

She peeled her sweater off of her. She was certainly small breasted, smaller than even Wanda who was such a tiny girl to begin with. Although Tori was thin, her height and stature should have warranted at least a 'B' cup. She looked to be more of an 'A' cup. As she slid her jeans off, her long, gorgeous legs got my attention. She reminded me of a book I had read just before the takeover. It was called 'Avatar'. In it, the author described the inhabitants of the planet as slender, ten feet tall, long limbed, beautiful, and blue. Okay, Tori wasn't blue, but she was tall, long limbed, and beautiful.

I slid from my seat to reach out and help her into the tub.

"Don't get up!" she said in a panic.

"You've already seen it, remember?"

"I'm not proud that I peaked at your member."

I burst out laughing. "My member?"

"Shut up."

I was enjoying the fact that she was clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

"You can touch it if you want."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"As a matter of fact, I'd like it a lot."

She didn't answer me. She sat beside me, but she kept just enough distance between us to keep me at bay.

"Tori, can I ask you a question?"

"What?"

"Are you a virgin?"

"No! I'm not a virgin!"

"But you're afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you."

I reached out and stroked her face. "Then what is it?"

"I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid of that thing. I know it's been a while since I've had sex, but I don't think I've ever been with someone…"

"I'd never hurt you, but I respect you. I won't push. I'm just glad you're here."

"You scared me to death when you disappeared today."

"I just needed some peace and quiet, you know?"

"That's what I love about painting. It's just me and my brushes. I don't have to talk to anyone. I just let my imagination take me."

"You are definitely an artist. You know who else is an artist in her own right?"

"Nadine?"

"No, why Nadine?"

"Make up."

"Oh, no I was talking about Gina."

Tori creased her brow. "Gina? Why Gina?"

"She sings like a bird. It's beautiful."

"Really? I didn't know."

"I came upon her in the woods today. She was singing a song from an old Barbra Streisand movie. She acted strange when I came upon her. It's not as if I'd never heard her sing before. It was like I caught her."

"Maybe it was the song. Maybe it meant something to her."

"That's what I thought. The words were oh, my man, I love him so. He'll never know."

"Jesus, Nate. You are so stupid. She was singing about you."

"She told me before Wanda came that if I pursued Wanda that it was over between me and her. She said she'd never come to my bed again."

"It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It means she doesn't want to put herself in the position of losing you again."

"Hmm."

I sat in silence for a few beats. "I guess I'm hard to love."

"Loving you is the easy part. It's getting that love in return that's a real bitch."

Her comment hit me like a ton of bricks. "What are you saying Victoria?"

"Too much. I'm sure. I have to go check on Danny."

She got up to climb out of the tub. I grabbed her by the arm. "Tori, are you in love with me?"

"No."

She pulled away and climbed out of the tub. I stood up and faced her.

"Here, cover yourself. You're erect," she said holding out a towel.

I didn't have the heart to tell her I was only halfway there.

"Tori, why won't you talk to me?"

"She turned to me in anger. "Because you are in love with Wanda. Gina can't handle it, and I don't think I can either. You have so many women that want you, but you choose the one you can't have. You're not stupid! You're an asshole!"

"Fine! I was perfectly happy wallowing in my room!"

"Fine!" With that, Tori stomped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and carrying her clothes.

"Women! What the fuck!" I dressed and stomped off to the kitchen. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote in big black letters. 'DO NOT DISTURB—THIS MEANS YOU!' I put two pieces of tape on it and carried it back to the cave. When I got to my room, I slapped the sign on the door and slammed it behind me.

I rubbed my face and realized I had a five o'clock shadow. Fuck it. Maybe I'll just grow a beard. I stripped down and beat off. I needed the release. The problem was my brain kept switching from the beautiful porcelain skinned Wanda to Gina with the perfect body and those stunning breasts to Victoria with the beautiful legs and the neck to match. My imagination had the best of all worlds. I decided I wasn't leaving my room—ever.

Luckily, the events of the day and the sleepless night had left me exhausted. I slept like a rock. When I woke, it was ten o'clock which for me was late. I dragged myself out of bed, dressed, and went to the bunkhouse to work. No one spoke to me and I spoke to no one with the exception of my brother-in-law, Tom. The others were probably relishing in the fact that I got burned considering I had both of their girlfriends.

"You doing okay?" Tom asked, as he and I went to the far wall to run electrical wiring.

"Yeah."

That was about the extent of the conversation. The guys broke for lunch. I stayed behind and worked. When they returned, Tom brought me a Gatorade and a sandwich. I ate it quickly and returned to work.

I overheard Evan talking to Rob. They were talking about children. They both agreed that it would be nice to have children in the future. Rob said that after this wedding he was thinking of asking Rachel to marry him. Evan said that he would wait another year, and if he and Gina were still going strong, he would most likely pop the question. He said he didn't want to push for kids because Gina was still only twenty years old. He also said that she didn't seem too interested in children—if he only knew.

After work, I went back to my room and sprawled out on my bed and began to read Pride and Prejudice. I had read it before, but it had been a while. I skipped dinner on purpose because I didn't want to face anyone. I wanted to wallow in my own self pity. I got up at nine o'clock and snuck quietly into the house. The kids were in the living room watching TV. The rest of the mountain was obviously in the funhouse. Priscilla turned to me when she saw me enter.

"Uncle Nate, Mommy says you are sad, and I'm not supposed to bother you."

"I'm okay, and you, my princess, never bother me."

She got up from her spot on the floor. "Good, because whenever Mommy is sad, Daddy always gives her a hug. Can I give you a hug?"

"Sure you can."

"She came to me and holding that little girl in my arms reminded me of Wanda. My eyes filled with tears, and she saw them as the first tear fell."

"Don't cry, Uncle Nate."

"I'm sorry. I've just lost a lot of friends lately."

"I'll be your friend," she said sweetly.

"I'll be your friend, too." Sarah chimed in from the carpet.

"Me, too." Megan added.

"You ladies are great."

"I saw Gina today. She was sad, too," Priscilla said innocently.

"She was?"

"She was in the root cellar crying."

"Maybe she and Evan had a disagreement."

"Maybe."

I put Priscilla down, and she scurried back to her place in front of the TV. I entered the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge for leftovers. I heated them in the microwave and ate it quickly. I used the facilities and headed back to the cave.

My intention was to go back to my room, but my curiosity got the better of me, and I veered off in the direction of the funhouse. I stepped inside, and all eyes were on me. Rachel and Rob were commanding the pool table.

"I call winner," I said nonchalantly.

I noticed there was no sign of Evan and Gina. I guess whatever she was crying about was being smoothed over by Evan. Victoria was sitting next to golden boy, Blake, and they were playing poker. Kim was playing crazy eights. She got up from the table and said she'd be back. She walked directly to me and took my hand. She dragged me out the door into the cool night air. She wasn't wearing a coat. I took off mine and wrapped it around her.

"What's up?" I asked.

"You look like shit. When is the last time you shaved?"

"Shaving's overrated. I'm thinking of growing a beard."

"Why do you want to cover up your pretty face?"

"You know, the other day, Wanda asked me what I thought about her trading in her body for an older less attractive model. At the time I thought she was crazy, but I'm beginning to see her point. If no one is attracted to me, I can live my life as a hermit and not have to worry about getting my heart stomped in."

She took a deep breath. "Do I have to put you on a suicide watch?"

I chuckled. "No. I'm not suicidal, just tired of trying to figure out what everyone wants from me. I try to be a pretty straight forward guy. I lay it all on the line. Wanda is my dream girl."

"Well, we can't all get our dream girl or guy, or I would have married Johnny Depp."

"Well, there are two other girls I'm interested in, but neither of them wants to talk to me right now, and I'm sick and tired of trying to figure out what the hell is going through their minds. I'd rather be a long haired hippy freak and beat off into a sock every night. At least I don't have to argue with a sock, and if Wanda shows up, the sock is trash."

"That's disgusting."

"Are you gonna tell me Tom never beats off?"

"No! He has me!"

I just shook me head and laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"Sis, go back to your happy life and leave me alone."

I decided to forgo the pool game and stomped off into the darkness.