A/N: So… you guys liked the chapter? Wahahah! I'm awesome I know. This chapter will make you guys flip out, i can just feel it.

I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT!

Ch.35

Apov

What the hell is Bella talking about? What does she mean, the Bella I know now is because I am in her life? Since the first day I met her she's always been the same to me. Kind, Caring, Funny, Un expected, Cocky. She hasn't changed a bit since the first day I met her.

I shake my head as I pull the shirt over my head and walk back to the room where Bella is smoking a cig on the balcony I walk over to her and bum a smoke from her and she smiles around her cigarette when I tell her she could pass off as a cigarette commercial.

After we finish our cigarettes we wander back to the bed and cuddle while Bella arranges her thoughts. She hums softly and kisses the top of my head before sighing. "I love you, Alice. More than anything, more than anyone, I hope you know that." She says quietly. I lift my head and nod. "I know, and I love you too, more than anything." I say truthfully.

She sighs and her face gets a bit serious, "I'm not sure how to start telling you this… it's a bit of a long story, its things you already know but I had never gone in to detail. I never wanted you to know how messed up I really am… for fear that you would leave me but, it's not fair to drag you in even closer if you don't know the whole story so… here it goes, I guess…" She mumbles and I kiss her neck lightly "I'm listening." I say quietly.

"Alice, I… I'm not the best person there is. I'm seriously fucked up and you know a big part of that but I always… avoided telling you just how fucked up I really am." She says quietly. I pull away from her and sit up until I'm sitting Indian style in front of her and she mimics me.

"I'm not sure I follow…" I say quietly. She offers me a smile and shakes her head "I may look like I'm the strongest person out there Alice… and sometimes I am. But… I'm a wreck. Before you showed up I only lived for four things. Sex, Drugs, Alcohol and Pain." She mumbles and my heart stops in my chest for a moment. She can't be serious…

"Alice, I… you know my past with the school. That I was a player and I… I took pride in that. I took pride in being the girl who everyone wanted and the girl that was better than anyone else. I played with ever single person in that school. Gay or straight."

"I used them to my advantage and my needs. Never letting a person be close to me and never lasting with a person for more than a weak at most. Sex, was an escape. Because… when I had that person yelling my name, that warm body against mine… I felt like someone. I felt Alive when an orgasm would run through me. My mind would only focus on that part of bliss and not in my fucked up past." She says taking a deep breath.

"Then… the sex alone wasn't working. I got desperate, I tried finding more people, playing with them even more trying to see if a… a spark or anything would just pop up in me to make me feel something other then pain. I had money and I had the friends so it never came down to a big problem to find some weed around." She says with a shrug as her eyes look out the window.

"The weed… helped for a while. It would make my mind fade in to nothing and then mixing that with sex made me cope for a few months. It would wash away any trace of sadness I was feeling. I had a new way of escaping. I would get high and ask people over to have sex. Both things would come so easily to me… I started getting a complex." She says with a bitter smirk.

"I felt superior to anyone, I looked superior. I had what people would kill for. But, not what those idiots let go to waste. I had money, but no one to waste it on. I had good looks but no one to tell me I was beautiful and hug me at night and tell me I would be ok. I had perfect grades without even trying but no parent to say they were proud of me. I had everything… yet I had nothing." She says, her face twisting in to a grimace. I grab her hand and rub my thumb along her knuckles and she offers me a hint of a smile and kisses the back of my hand.

"Then the violent rush was to much not to act upon it in school. I would fight, almost every single day with anyone who would piss me off. Coach clap showed up one day and told me 'you like hitting people?' and when I nodded he grinned 'good, I need a few girls like you. now get in that ring and show me what you can do' he had said and just like that, without hesitating… I just jumped in the ring and in less then three minutes I had knocked the girl out." She says with a hint of an amused smile on her lips… it was a haunted smile, not the real thing. Not even close.

"So, then came the next out. Pain. Then it just came so easily. I would inflict my pain in others. Push it out of my body, make them suffer if only physically how I suffered internally every single day. I knew how to fight because my dad showed me how after what happened with Connor. Drilled it in my mind, almost roughly so…" She trails off shaking her head.

"I went through my dad's own boot camp. He would make me stand out side in the rare rainy days and do push ups, jog, and throw combo's. He was a hard ass… but it was exactly what I needed… I needed someone at that time to bring me back down and just… knock some sense in me. Charlie… he did that for me. He had never really been a father to me until I saw him that night… the way he found me and without a second he had kicked the shit out of Connor and almost killed him…." She shakes her head.

She looks at me and I see tears glistening in her eyes, but not spilling. "The way he looked in my eyes while I was almost blacked out and just the way his brown eyes just stared back at me so coldly and said 'Its only me and you now, don't you dare leave me here all alone..' the way he said that, just… it's a hard thing to explain…" She trails off her voice thick. Like she's about to cry but she fits it off.

"He just… became everything I needed to live. I leaned on him so much it was pitiful. But then, he became again, what I needed. He became my father, friend and sergeant. He would drill me extensively. I would work out like I was a freaking soldier in real life. Then I would go to school where he would teach me about our business and then I would rest and do it all over again." She says with a hint of mechanical smile.

"Then… when he died… I fount my self even more lost. Before Charlie, I hadn't dared to touch anything unhealthy. Even before Connor all I would do was drink and sex was just a bonus on those rare days I could get her to comply with me." she says with a grimace and I know she means her ex girlfriend "not that it happened much. But when Charlie died everything just collapsed. I compare it to a damn." She says giving me a squeeze of the hand.

"When Charlie was alive… I had small cracks where water would seep out, when Connor happened… I got some more leaks but nothing world snapping just jet. But there was a steady flow of water seeping out of me. Those cracks where my mom and the rape. Then Charlie got cancer and he couldn't repair the holes anymore and seeing him die well… it added up and my damn busted a bit part of it but I still had a small part." She says

"I had the future, so I had a broken dam but I still had water in it, a small amount but still something. Then when the car hit my bike… well… its like someone just poisoned the watering hole. I still had the future but it was tinted with loneliness… not something I wanted exactly." She says and runs a hand through her hair.

"I held up for a long time, but I was slipping up… I was getting sloppy… the people visiting though I was getting dangerously depressed and assigned me anti depression pills. More drugs and a bigger high.. the world… the world had just given me my out. Because at that time I had started wandering in the alcohol section of my house after Charlie died. I would drink every night until I passed out. So much so that now I can drink one of my brands six-pack and not get drunk enough to fall on my ass." She says with a chuckle.

She squeezes my hand "And then one day… it was after the operation… after the accident. I was alone in my house watching tv when it finally sank in when I as watching a commercial for baby shampoo." She says laughing "can you imagine that? Shampoo made me realize, made it sink in that… I was really fucking alone. Without the future of having a kid of my own. I mean really, what man would want a woman who could never give him a son? I couldn't, I wouldn't condemn another person to suffer along side me not having a kid." She says shaking her head.

"Then, it just popped in to my head. Kill your self." She says so coolly that I freeze. "It just… popped in to my head and I was more then surprised when… I actually liked the idea. But I was to smart, people where to smart. If I killed my self, Jenks would get in trouble and my factory would be in danger. I don't know why I cared but I did… maybe if just a little." She says with a monotone.

It finally hits me that, that Bella considered killing her self. My lovely, sweet, humorous Bella really wasn't as harmless as she would act. She had a haunted part of her and she's showing me how dominant that part is in her real life. She's letting me in deeper to see her. She's showing me how she really is and… I don't know what to say about it. So I stay quiet and continue to listen as she starts speaking again.

She smirks to the thin air, a bitter smirk that leaves a bad taste in my mouth just too look at it. "Everything was falling in to place without me even knowing. Sex, Drugs, Alcohol and Pain. Every single thing came walking to me, I had never headed away from my course to get it. It must have been a sign from the God I had lost all faith to. His 'OK, just give up. It's just sad now'." She says and fixes her stair on me.

"You ask me, why I don't believe in God Alice. I'll tell you why, ill tell you exactly why and I wont give you a pretty little picture to cover the truth up. The all mighty God left me alone! When my mom was alive I would pray almost every night, when she died I prayed every night and morning. When the Connor incident happened, I would go to church almost obsessively. When Charlie was diagnosed, I donated a lot of fucking money to the Cancer program. I prayed all the time, I would wake up and pray, eat, pray, go to classes, pray, come home, pray, see Charlie, pray and pray and fucking pray." She says almost bitterly.

Her cold gaze locked with mine, I'm not strong enough to cut our gaze. "I would pray and beg to anyone that would be around. I would do anything if it meant there was a slim change Charlie would stay with me. But after a wile… he just got worse and my prayers lost emotion… I lost faith." She says softly.

"Then, the prayers stopped happening… I would just… wake up in despair and live like that the whole day –if you could have called that living- and just go to sleep exhausted. All my life I had been the nice little kid that would actually…" she trails off in a bitter laugh "I would actually believe that someone would save me. Even when Connor was raping me, killing me, because he had started to cut up my body with a knife. I had just kept praying to god. 'Please make him stop, please, please, please, please.' That was all that I could think off." She says chuckling

"But… God didn't show up. Every single time I needed him… he was gone. Of course I would push the though away. But when the Doctor told me that Charlie had less then a month to live… I couldn't absorb it. How could God take away the last person I had left? How could he just take everything away from me so suddenly. He turned his back on me… I returned the favor." She says with a little demented shrug.

I'm actually afraid… not for me but for Bella. Terrified of what could have happened to her. "But, hey… I'm still alive right? My perfect concoction didn't kill me… and it looks like someone up there either really hates me or really likes me because I'm still alive… and I'm rooting for the latter because some how… your in my life… like my personal little angel." She says and finally her eyes land on me and there warm.

There's a dark undertone in her smoldering eyes, that little haunted look in them but the pure emotion pouring off her is pretty breath taking. She offers me a ghost of a smile and I lean forward and rest my forehead on hers. I cup her neck with my hand and just stay still while I try and find my voice… my poor Bella…

Finally after a moment, I find my voice "Bella… my sweet, loving, Bella, im so sorry all of these things have happened to you, it hurts me to know all the pain that has been aimed at you and if I could I would take it away, you know I would. I love you and I admire you for being able to still stand up every day after everything that has happened to you. And… im so happy you trust me enough to tell me this but…" I trail off as a wave of pain flashes threw me.

"Please don't ever think about death or killing your self again… it just hurt to much to ever think of you not alive… I can't… I cant think about you lying cold in a coffin. Never seeing your smile or your eyes shine, never hearing your laugh… it hurts to much." I say quietly.

Bella chuckles lowly and hugs me to her and kisses my head a few times before she pulls back and cups my cheeks and looks me in the eyes "Alice, im not always the best person out there… and I wont promise you that it wont cross my mind but I can promise you that… for now, you have nothing to worry about… im not leaving you." she says and kisses my lips chastely.

I can't help the small unsettling I feel at her not promising me that it will be ok. That she won't off herself one day. But then again… Bella isn't one to think of the future, she lives her life by the day. And that is a bit scary sometimes but… its Bella. Its not something one can predict, but sometimes… its part of what I love about her.

She's unexpected and sets her own rules. Shes the bad girl that I just can't help loving. She grins at me and nods to the balcony what do you say to a walk around the tower of love?" She asks.

I nod, we both need a relaxing time after we had this talk. We're already dressed so Bella just grabbed the room key and her phone and cigs and we walked out of the apartment. We went to the floor under ours to go to Jenks room. She smirks at me before she starts banging on it really hard, not a minute later the door opens to reveal Jenks.

"I need your car key's… now." Bella say's to him. He frowns. "Why?" He asks. She glares a bit. "I just do." She says and Jenks face goes blank for a second before he sighs and walks back in to the apartment.

Bella chuckles to herself. "I can't be nice all the time or he will do that." She says lowly to me and I nod trying to fight the giggle. He comes back with his keys and he hands them to Bella. "Please don't get a ticked for driving like a maniac in the city." He sighs.

She nods. "Sure sure, see ya later Jenks." She says before turning around. He closes the door and she smirks and takes a piece of paper out of her pocket and looks around for a pen and finds one in a door in the corner of the hall.

She quickly scribbles something and slides it under the door to Jenks neighbor. And walks off giggling and motioning for me to follow. I frown "What did you do?" I ask. She smirks. "Nothing just wrote a piece of paper for the neighbor who I just happen to know is his date for tonight." She says and walks in to the elevator.

I smirk. "No shit?" I ask and Bella smiles when the door closes behind us. "Haven't I ever told you I love it when you curse." Bella says pulling me to her and kissing me senseless. I moan in to the kiss until she smirks and pulls away and hugs me. "Your love, your love, your love, is my drug." She whispers in my ears and I can't help the silly smile that breaks across my face.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Where walking hand in hand around the Eiffel tower eating ice cream and laughing at the mime Bella is currently making fun of. Well, no. She just challenged him to a mime off and it attracted a crowd of people who are laughing as Bella and the mime…. Lock each other in boxes?

Bella motions for me and I shake my head but she smirks and acts like she opens a door in the box and walks over to me and pulls me to her and kisses me. "Stupid mime, try doing this." She says smirking at him.

The mime frowns and starts to cry and Bella just chuckles and takes out a twenty and hands it to him. He smiles and …. Gives her some type of mime flower. All I know is that im laughing senseless.

Bella takes out a camera then and takes a picture with the mime and then makes me take a picture with him and then all of us take a picture with the mime. Then we spend about an hour or even more just taking pictures and really… Paris is amazing. She even insists on taking one of those boat rides… gondolas I think there called.

We spend the whole day practically hanging out and laughing. She teaches me a few words in French but I'm pretty sure their curse words because the guy on the gondola was laughing the whole time. With Bella smirking at him.

"Come on, say it. Trou du cul. Its easy.'' She says grinning. I sigh. "Trou du cul... wait, I know that means... its ass hole! You are teaching me curse words in french!'' I say laughing and Bella laughs. "Its easier to learn a language when you use words you know?" She offers.

I stick my tongue out at her and she chuckles. "Ok, try this one... Veux-tu m'épouser?" She says fluently. I frown. "What does that one mean?" I ask. Just then I realize that the sky is setting and the gondola is passing through a tunnel and just then and i see the Eiffel Tower light up just behind it, the setting sky.

"It means... will you marry me ?" She asks and when I turn my head to look at her she's smiling and holding out a box in her palm. I look down at it and I gasp, right there in a read velvet box... is a ring. Its beautiful with a white gold band and a heart shaped diamond. I stare at it for a moment, not exactly absorbing what is happening. Did Bella really just propose to me?... is she serious? I look in her eyes for a moment to see that she is serious and i can see the small nervous glint in her eyes. I look at the ring, this is really happening.

I look back at Bella to see her smiling softly at me her eyes smoldering, love is all i can see behind her eyes "Marie Alice Brandon Cullen, since the day i first saw you, you have changed my life for the better. Our fight a few days ago made me realize something big and its that... i cant imagine a life without you. Where just starting out but already I cant deny that I love you, would you make me the most privileged and happiest person alive and marry me?" she asks me again.

My mouth opens and closes until i find my voice "Bella... "

A/N : Wahahahaha ! im evil ! i love it, cliff hanger and one of you nailed it and guessed right ! iHumpAcow I bow my hat to you, you guessed it right. Next chapter will be co- written with A Thousand Undiscovered Stars, who's exited to know how this will unfold ?

Oh, and watever your guessing... it may or may not be that answer your expecting... good luck guessing the answer. REVIEW !

The engagement ring ~

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