Thank you so much reviewer, readers and alerters!
imaferrai – Thanks! I was wondering if anyone picked up on the fact Arthur hinted to knowing Raife, good on you for catching that one!
.Heart – Thanks heaps! I felt it was time for Ashley to get some much needed perspective thrust at her
shayer – Yeah the verbal bitch slap was a needed one. Sorry, I'll climb outta your head now lol! You would be right the dots are starting to connect on this fic. I agree, sometimes you need someone to bluntly tell you how badly you're messing up for you to really see it. Head spin? I'll take that as a compliment shall I?
lilce1992, LoveAsh87, freakanatomy, darkangeleyes23, bitten2 – Thanks!
mutt009 – I agree Ashley needed to hear what they had to say. Here is the showcase...
somthgIlike2do – violence towards old Mr Marks huh? We'll see what I can do
slushhy – Gotta love Papa C, the voice of reason! Ashley's ass has been kicked let's see what happens
ebonyedlove – Wow thanks, glad you liked them
LadiiMouse – Spencer showing up at the showcase...hmm well you may not be happy with me after this chapter then
bethers85 – Thank you, Ashley may not be quite ready for the big speech yet. But here's the showcase anyway
uluvme – shocking is what I aim for! It would have been hard for Kyla to hear all that, but she's a tough cookie
Galmil – Thank you, I agree Kyla was totally justified in her reaction. Spashley progress...we'll see
Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine
Here is the showcase...
You Had Me At Um
Chapter Thirty-Six – Lost In You
Ashley's POV
I ran my hand down over my shirt to smooth away the imaginary creases. Really it was just something to do before I built up enough courage to start scanning the crowded room to see if Spencer was at the showcase.
Kyla and I had arrived about thirty minutes ago and I had been making her hide out in a corner with me ever since. I was still feeling the weight of my conversations with both Kyla and Mr. Carlin, their words were running through my head on a rather painful loop that made me kind of want to curl up in the foetal position and sob like a baby. But I had done enough of that.
The only things getting me through were Kyla and the possibility of seeing my girl. To that effect I had dressed really carefully. I was wearing a pair of tight black shorts, black peep-toe pumps and an olive green waistcoat that showed a hint of the lacy black bra I was wearing underneath. I had my hair in loose curls, the way I knew Spencer liked it best. I had done my makeup extra carefully (mostly to hide the tear stains) and spent like thirty minutes alone selecting the leather cuffs I was wearing.
The showcase was being held at the same club where I launched my first CD, it was an annual event where the execs and other industry power players got together to hear music from the newest talent at Marks Records. It always drew a huge and very influential crowd. For the last few years of my life I had been attending this even as a producer and songwriter and now here I was as a singer. It should have been a huge occasion for me but it was empty without her by my side.
The label really went all out for these nights. The place was decorated to give it a very decadent feel, the walls were covered in posters of the various artist who would be performing that evening, I rolled my eyes at the sight of my own face grinning falsely at me from the walls.
I couldn't help but sneer at the higher ups sipping their expensive champagne and talking about how talented all the artists were. They didn't give a shit about talent as long as money was coming into the bank.
I had been thinking and I knew that the money was Ethan Seniors sole interest in me. He didn't give a shit about me or my father, he just wanted to utilise our talent to turn a profit. I felt like the biggest fool in the universe for not seeing it before. I had been so naïve.
I felt Kyla slip her hand into mine before she started walking towards the bar, dragging me along behind her. She ordered us each a drink and began scanning the room while I fiddled nervously with my straw and stared into the depths of my vodka and orange juice.
"Hey Ash, isn't that the little blonde and black haired girl who were with Spencer at that awards show we saw on T.V.?" Kyla asked with interest.
I spun around to see who had caught her attention and sure enough it was Eva and that stunning black haired girl, Tilly, I'm pretty sure her name was. Eva must have looked up at the exact same time I did, because her eyes caught mine and she smiled hesitantly.
I returned her smile and then looked around her to see where Spencer was. Eva grabbed Tilly's hand and strode across to us. She had a thin, almost hostile smile on her face as she looked at Kyla standing beside me. Oh shit, I thought, she thinks Kyla and I are a couple! Firstly ew, that's my baby sister and secondly how could she think I would move on from Spencer so quickly? I guess in my head I continently forgot that I had assumed Spencer had moved on with Tilly, only coming to my senses when I got bitch slapped by my oh so lovely sister.
Eva stepped in front of me and smiled warily, "Hello Ashley. You remember Tilly?" she gestured to the woman holding her hand.
I nodded and smiled tentatively, "Hi Eva, hello Tilly, it's great to see you both again. This is Kyla, my sister," I said making sure to emphasise the word sister. Eva's eyes widened and a sheepish look crossed her face.
"Oh, hi I'm Eva and this is my girlfriend Tilly," Eva said with a warm smile for Kyla who reached out and took her offered hand before shaking Tilly's.
Tilly was dating Eva? Since when? And wasn't Tilly signed with Marks Records? How the hell is it that she can be out and still be signed with them? What the fuck was going on? Had I missed the memo?
Tilly caught on to the confused look on my face and smiled sympathetically, "For the record yes the label is aware that I am gay. I told them before I signed with them and made it clear that if they couldn't accept that I was going to look elsewhere for a record deal." Kyla gaped at her then shot me a pointed look while Eva just looked sad.
I swallowed hard and nodded, "Well I'm happy for you, I am looking forward to hearing you sing later Ethan has been singing your praises. And I'm happy for you two as well, how long have you been together?"
Eva beamed at the younger woman and squeezed her hand, making my heart ache for what I was missing. "Well it's only been a little while that we've been official, but I have been crazy about her since the second I met her."
"I'll second that," Tilly added with a grin which earned her a chaste kiss from Eva.
I forced a smile onto my face and glanced behind Eva looking for a flash of golden hair and a hint of ocean blue eyes. Eva glanced at me and smiled despondently before murmuring softly, "She's not here Ashley." I snapped my eyes up to look at her. "She just couldn't be here, it was a bit too hard for her I think. She is filming tonight as well," Eva explained.
I nodded and downed the rest of my drink. Tilly reached out and squeezed my shoulder gently. I smiled at her and sighed before asking, "How is she?"
Eva smiled kindly, "She's ok, it helps that her father and brother are visiting at the moment and she's been working hard on the film and helping Tilly. She's keeping busy you know. I think she would really like to hear from you Ashley. Just because you guys aren't together doesn't mean you can't be in contact. She won't call you though, she's too fucking stubborn for that."
I nodded my head and was saved the trouble of responding when Ethan came over. He smiled kindly, but hesitantly, he seemed wary around at us. I guess he would have to be pretty freaking stupid to not know that pretty much all of us harboured images of him being eaten by like a bear or something…wait just me? Ah well, I guess what I'm saying is he was not widely popular with us.
"Hello ladies, sorry to interrupt Ashley but you're due on stage in about twenty minutes," He mumbled so quietly that I had trouble hearing him over the music. I nodded and turned back to Eva, Kyla and Tilly.
"So I'm gonna head back stage, I'll see you all later. Tilly I look forward to hearing you perform later," I said with a friendly smile. Now that I knew she didn't have any feelings for Spencer I could actually start to like her. A task that was made easier by how sweet and strong she seemed to be.
I kissed Kyla on the cheek and left her with the others to go get ready. I heard Ethan following along behind me, but paid him no attention. I had to focus before I went on stage. The songs I was going to perform shortly were filled with intense emotions, ones that I had no trouble drawing on giving the current state of my life, but it still took me a moment to get to the point I needed in order to perform them to the best of my ability.
I walked into the back room to warm up and felt Ethan's presence behind me. I spun around and looked at him expectantly. He shuffled his feet nervously, cleared his throat and then started speaking, "So I, um I talked to Spencer and she wants your permission to use a few of your songs in her movie."
I stared at him stunned, she wanted to use my songs? The songs that had upset her so much? I was also kind of hurt she didn't call me personally and ask, I guess she was being professional by going through the proper channels.
I bit my lip and nodded, "Of course, she can use all of them if she wants, but out of curiosity which ones did she ask for?" I swallowed hard and leant heavily against the wall.
"She said Always was the main one she wanted, but she also said she would like to use More Than A Love Song and Come On Get Higher or Hold. I was thinking, Always is going to be your next single, we could time the release of it with the release of the film. That's what we're doing with Tilly's first single. It's the main song from the film actually," Ethan explained.
I nodded and thought about it. I wasn't really surprised she chose Always that song had come into existence (for the most part) while she was sitting beside me. She was a part of that song, not just the inspiration. I was a little surprised by some of her other choices though. More Than A Love Song and Hold had been two of the songs that she had been particularly upset over.
"Tell her she can use any song she wants Ethan, make it happen for her, whatever it takes," I ordered with a determined expression on my face.
"Of course." I went to walk over to my guitar when he said softly, "I also apologised to her Ashley."
I spun around to face him and stared at him in shock. "What?" I choked out as my eyes narrowed into a glare.
Ethan took a deep breath and said, "I apologised to her for my part in what happened to you two. I told her I was stupid and blindly followed my father's lead. I handled the whole situation so badly."
I opened my mouth but slammed it shut when his words sunk in. He had blindly followed his father and that is exactly what I had done. We were both fucking fools!
I was going to speak when Ethan started talking again in a forlorn tone, "I also have to admit that I let my feelings for Spencer take over and that meant I wasn't entirely professional. I have liked her for the longest time and even though I knew she could never love me back I couldn't seem to stop how I felt. I apologised to her and now I want to apologise to you. Ashley we were friends and I have let you down, both as a friend and producer. I am so sorry."
I stared at him with my mouth hanging open in shock. I shook my head and let out a bitter little laugh, "You expect me to just forgive you Ethan? It's going to take more than empty words for that to happen! I know I'm not innocent here, but you screwed us over Ethan!"
Ethan hung his head and looked ashamed, "I know and I don't expect you or Spencer to forgive me. I fucked up and I know that. My apology may mean nothing to you, but I had to say it. I hope one day you can forgive me."
I shook my head again and scooped up my guitar, "I have to get ready to go on stage so can you give me some space?" I snapped at him. Ethan looked sadly at me and then nodded before scurrying out of the room.
I didn't know what to do with his apology, it was unexpected to say the least. I had no idea what I was supposed to do now. Did I forgive him? Did I kick the crap out of him? It was all so confusing.
I sat down and strummed my guitar and started singing some scales to warm up my voice. I didn't get to do a full warm up (thank you Ethan!) before I was called on stage to launch my second single.
I stood in the wings and watched at Ethan stepped up to the microphone. He cleared his throat and began to speak, "I want to welcome you all to the Annual Marks Records Showcase!" He paused to let everyone clap, "Each year we present our newest artists and tonight it no exception. We have an incredible line up of singers tonight and to kick things off we would like to officially launch the second single from Ashley Davies! It is my pleasure to present Ashley Davies singing her second single from her debut album of the same name, What I Didn't Say."
The club went wild with applause. I plastered a smile on my face and strode out to the microphone. I waved out to everyone, catching sight of Kyla standing with Eva and Tilly near the bar.
"Hey everyone! I hope you all have an awesome night, here is my latest single, What I Didn't Say. It's about those moments where you wish you'd said or done more to keep the person you love from walking away."
I stepped back and closed my eyes as the music started playing. I stepped closer to the microphone and started to sing, opening my eyes and seeing only Spencer. I sang the song, pouring in every ounce of agony and pain I had felt since I had watched her walk away from me. By the time I had finished the song I was trembling and blinking back tears.
I forced a smile out over the crowd which was cheering and clapping loudly. I bowed my head slightly and then went into my next song, each artist was playing three songs for the showcase.
Next I launched into Common Ground and couldn't help but grin as many people started singing along to the lyrics. It meant a lot that people actually liked my music enough to learn the lyrics.
After finishing Common Ground to enthusiastic applause I grinned out at everyone and said into the microphone, "Thank you all so much, you've been great. For my last song I'd like to sing a song that is everything I should have said to someone who deserved so much better from me. This song is called Always."
I looked over the crowd and saw only her face. Every word I sang I sang for Spencer. The words were for her. This song was my apology, my vow, my plea for forgiveness that I was scared I would never get or that I would never deserve to get. I sang loudly, but with emotion evident in my voice as the band played behind me.
Once I finished there was a second of total silence and then the crowd erupted into thunderous applause that quite frankly intimidated me. I blushed and smiled out at them all before heading off stage. I found Tilly back stage waiting her turn to perform, she was on after me.
I stepped closer to her and smiled kindly while I asked, "You nervous?"
She bit her lip and nodded, "Yeah, after that performance you just gave I don't think I can follow that!"
I chuckled, "Of course you can. You're good Tilly, and I know you can do this." I patted her on the shoulder and went to walk past her when she stopped me with a hand on my wrist.
I spun around to face her and smiled at her expectantly. Tilly sighed and then said softly, "You are aware that Spencer is helping me in large part because of you right?"
I felt my eyes widen and my eyebrows practically disappear into my hairline, "Because of me? What are you talking about?"
Tilly smiled thinly before answering, "She has never said anything, but I'm not stupid. She sees you in me. Now don't get me wrong, Spencer is one of my closest friends, she is a hero to me and I know she is helping me because she thinks I'm talented and she's just a nice person giving me my start, but a part of her is doing it for you. She knew that I would never hide my sexuality from the world and saw me as a way to make you see that you can be out and still make music."
Tilly grinned and picked up her guitar, "Spencer is so in love with you that even the first time I met her I could tell she was a woman with a broken heart, but who still loved deeply. She wants you to see that you can really have it all. You can have love and a life in the open while still making music. I know I haven't even released my first single yet so I am still an unknown commodity, but my sexuality will not hold me back. I hope one day you can say the same."
Tilly squeezed my shoulder once more and then turned to walk to the side of the stage. I stepped through the door and joined Kyla and Eva at a table they had managed to find near the stage. I was floored by what Tilly had said. Spencer had really helped Tilly to prove a point to me? I wondered if it had been a conscious gesture on her part.
I took a seat next to Kyla and took the drink she handed me. I barely heard their words of congratulations for the performance well done because I was drowning in the words that people had thrown at me. It had been a full on twenty-four hours for deep and meaningful talks! I thought my brain was going to explode, thus proving I have one I suppose.
I turned my eyes to the stage as Ethan once again stepped out to the microphone. "Hello again ladies and gentlemen, I now have the privilege of introducing the newest artist to join Marks Records, Tilly Kline! Tilly will be performing songs from her upcoming debut album. The first song she will be singing will be featured in the latest film directed by Spencer Carlin and is called Lost In You. It was written by Spencer Carlin. Please welcome Tilly to the stage," Ethan called into the microphone.
I stared at the stage, so I was about to hear a song written by Spencer. I felt shivers of anticipation run across my body. I swallowed hard as Tilly stepped up to the microphone. She beamed out over the crowd, her eyes locking on Eva's. "Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank a woman who made all my dreams a reality, Spencer Carlin. It is an honour and a privilege to sing her songs tonight. I also wanted to say thank you to my girlfriend, Eva, for her support," Tilly said. Eva blew her girl a kiss and I wanted to cry.
The entire room applauded Tilly and smiled warmly at Eva who sat grinning proudly. The only sour face was Ethan Senior, big surprise there.
Tilly started strumming her guitar and then the drum and bass kicked in. She stepped up to the microphone and looked out at the audience as she started singing.
"I always knew that you'd come back to get me
and you always knew that it wouldn't be easy
To go back to the start to see where it all began
Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you (I'm nothing without you)"
You could read the emotions on her face, hear them in her voice as she sung Spencer's words. I felt each word like a blow and wondered if that was how Spencer felt when she listened to my album. Tilly looked straight at me as she launched into the chorus and it almost felt like I was hearing every word straight from Spencer's lips.
"Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you
You always thought that I left myself open
But you didn't know I was already broken
I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad
But pulling away, it took everything I had
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you (I'm nothing without you)"
I blinked back tears as I took in the words. I know, or I can imagine, just how much it cost her to walk away from me. I can still vividly remember the broken look of pure, unadulterated agony on her face as she walked out of her kitchen that morning. I could remember screaming that she was my everything, it killed me to think she saw that as a lie. It wasn't.
"Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you
In you"
I watched the strain in Tilly's muscles, the tension in her body as she belted out the next lot of lyrics. The words weren't hers, but she was doing a scarily good job of bringing them to life. She was pouring so much into the lyrics that I had to assume she and Spencer had spoken at length about what happened between us or that she had experienced something similar herself.
"The pain of it all
The rise and the fall
I see it all in you
Now everyday
I find myself say
I want to get lost in you
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you (somehow I've found)
A way to get lost in you (A way to get lost in you)
A way to get lost in you"
The last chorus was brutal, it was raw and intense. You could hear the pain and anguish, the loss and desperation, the longing and pleading. All of it made me feel sick to my stomach, I was the cause of all that pain. Tilly had done an amazing job and the entire room was on their feet cheering and clapping.
Once the audience had taken their seats and she had started playing an original song Eva got out of her seat and walked over to me. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and looked down at me. "Spencer wrote that song about five days after she broke up with you, it was the first night she spent back in her house since that day. It's pretty hard to hear isn't it?" Eva asked gently.
I nodded and bit my lip, saying nothing. I had no idea what to say. Eva hugs me to her and murmurs quietly so that just I could hear her, "Spencer is my best friend and I hate seeing her hurting like this so this is where I warn you that if you don't pull your head out of your ass I am going to kick the shit out of you." I jumped back a little and looked at her in horror.
Eva smirked and pulled me closer, "With that said Davies, I like you and I know that once you get over your shit then you will make my best friend really happy. Listen to the words of her song, think about it. She would do anything for you, besides hide anymore. Now I know Arthur came to see you today and I also know that Kyla gave you a talking to, she told me. I also bet that my girlfriend said a few choice words to you before you went on stage. I know that you are getting it from all sides so maybe you should actually start listening to us. I don't know just a thought." Eva shrugged, pecked me on the cheek and walked back to her seat.
I looked up at the stage and watched as Tilly finished her second song to thunderous applause. She was openly gay and no one besides Ethan Senior seemed to give a crap. What the hell was wrong with me? What the fuck was I doing?
I got to my feet, not entirely sure what I was intending on doing when Kyla grabbed my arm and spun me around. "You aren't going to Spencer until you sort your shit out or you're just going to hurt her more than you already have," She said gently, her soft tone taking some of the bite out of her words.
I looked around the club in desperation, I had no idea what to do. I was spinning out of control and on the verge of losing her. I felt it. She said she would wait but I knew there was an expiration date on that. Plus it was unfair of me to make her wait indefinitely. I owed her so much better than that.
I looked back at Kyla and nodded before asking in a tired, strained voice, "Will you call your therapist friend and get me the next available appointment?"
Kyla grinned, "Already did it this afternoon. You're going to see her tomorrow morning at 11." I stared at her in shock for a moment and then smiled gratefully. Kyla pulled me into her arms and held me close.
We stood like that for a while until I heard a male voice clear their throat behind us. I turned my head to find Ethan standing there with a nervous, yet excited expression on his face. I glared at him and waited for him to speak.
"Sorry to interrupt, I just have some news for you," Ethan began. I motioned impatiently with my hand for him to continue. Ethan shuffled his feet a little before speaking again, "Well I was just informed that you have been nominated for four MTV Music Awards for Common Ground!"
I glanced over at Kyla who was beaming like a clown hopped up on meth and then felt a smile spread across my face. Wow this was incredible! I had not been expecting this. I owed it all to Spencer, she had worked so hard to get the video just right.
I turned back to Ethan and smiled, "Thanks Ethan, that's great!"
Ethan smiled hesitantly, encouraged somewhat by me not glaring at him as much anymore, and said, "Well I have more news. MTV have presented us with a rather unique offer. They are offering a huge sum of money if we hold off releasing the video to What I Didn't Say. They want to show it live at the awards show if you win, otherwise they want to launch it right after the awards show ends as a world exclusive. Apparently they are launching a different new music video for each ad break and you first award is right before an ad"
I looked at Kyla who looked impressed. It was an amazing opportunity to launch my newest video in a way that will guarantee maximum exposure. I looked over at Ethan and beamed widely, "Yeah that sounds incredible. I say we go for it, hell even if I don't win the launch after the awards show is pretty great!"
Ethan nodded and a funny little smile crossed his face, "I'm glad you think so, now we have to get Eva and Tilly over here because I have something I really need to talk to you about."
I looked at him confused and asked, "What? What could you possibly have to talk to all of us about?"
Ethan smiled again and said, "Let's just get them and I promise I will explain everything."
I looked at Kyla, who shrugged, before turning back to Ethan and nodding while glaring at him suspiciously. He grinned and led us off to find the others. My mind was going crazy with what he could possibly have to talk to us about.
Song used in this Chapter:
Lost In You by Three Days Grace
(the lovely mutt009 recommended this song to me for one of my earlier fics so I want to send out my thanks for introducing me to one of my fav songs!)