Sunday, June 5

Dear Journal,

Things have been getting a lot better between Stan and me since we had our talk last week. He actually came over here yesterday, and we had an awesome time together. It felt really good to see him again—I can't believe how long it had been since we last did this. I missed him so much.

I'm not gonna lie, though. I wish I could say things are getting back to normal, but they're not. Not yet anyway. I didn't want it to be the case, but…I do feel a little weird around Stan now. It's not his fault, though—he wasn't doing anything yesterday to make me uncomfortable—and I don't want him to feel bad about it. I tried not to focus on it so that hopefully he wouldn't notice.

I just can't stop thinking about it, though. I guess I'm still kind of in shock about how he feels about me. I guess I should've seen it coming, but I really had no idea. I mean, I know we were close (and thankfully now still are), but how did his feelings change from friendship to, you know…love?

So I pulled a dick move. I knew he probably didn't want to talk about it, but I brought it up anyway. I asked him why he loved me. I know it wasn't fair of me, but I just had to know.

Unfortunately, his answer didn't tell me much. Apparently one day he just looked at me and realized it. How does something like that happen? How can your feelings for someone completely change in an instant just by looking at him? And when exactly did this happen? He wasn't specific about that part, and that was one of the things I was most curious about. I don't think there's any way I could pinpoint it myself.

But I didn't ask him anything else. I really wanted to, but I know it would better to just wait and give Stan time to deal with his feelings.

And for me to deal with his feelings.

Fuck, I didn't want to be this freaked out about it, but I can't seem to help it. I was okay with it first, but then the realization of the weight of it all slowly started hitting me a few days later, and after yesterday I feel even worse about it. I don't want Stan to know about this, though. He can't help how he feels, and I'm sure I'll feel better once I process all this a little more. Like I said, I'm still a little in shock. It's a lot to take in, a lot more than I thought it was.

Or maybe I should just stop thinking about all of this so much. The most important thing about all this is that Stan and I are friends again. We can get through anything, and we'll get through this too. And when we're both ready, maybe one day we can talk about all this a little more.

But until then, I'm just glad to have my super best friend back, and I know he feels the same.

Even if it's awkward, it'll be nice seeing him at school tomorrow. He almost missed the rest of the school year being suspended—this week is the last week. I still can't believe that asshat got suspended. What the hell was he thinking fighting Craig? I'm not even sure what the fight was about; I wasn't there when it happened. I mean, I know Craig can be kind of a dick sometimes, but Stan's not the type to get into a fight unless he really had a reason to. I've been kind of curious to ask Stan what started it, but I think that's another question better reserved for a later conversation.

I'm glad school's ending this week. In addition to not having to worry about bullshit schoolwork for a while (ugh, next year's gonna be hell, but I'm not gonna think about that until I have to), I have a whole summer to hang out with my friends…and Cartman. Even with that asshole there, I'm looking forward to hanging out all of us together again. Things kind of went to shit for a while when Stan and I weren't talking; I didn't realize how much that would affect the group. And the last time Kenny tried to get us all together at Stan's house…well, that didn't go so well. Thinking about that night gives me a few more questions to wrack my brain over—Stan never gave me an explanation for that either.

But like with those other things, I'm sure I'll find out an answer eventually. Or I'll realize it's not really that important after all and just move on with my day.

Either option sounds good to me.