A/N: OMG! Did I finally post a chapter!?
It's only been six months right lol. All jokes aside, the story is coming to an end very soon. If I can get my thoughts together I hope to get it finished within the next few weeks, but don't hold me to that. I wanted to get this chapter out because I have literally been working on it for the last six months :( It's ok but it could be better. Lots of up and down moments in this chapter.
I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot!
Chapter 37
BPOV
My eyes snapped open from another nightmare, shifting nervously around my bedroom before I sucked in a deep breath. Sitting up I cover my face with my palms, trying to relax and slow my heartbeat. I want this over…
I glance at the clock and almost want to throw it against the wall. I've been tossing and turning since I forced myself into bed at midnight and now I've only managed four hours of sleep. Between the nightmares and thoughts of Edward I don't want to close my eyes anymore for fear of what may come next.
So, I call Mary.
Telling me she would be here in fifteen minutes I get out of bed and head downstairs to unlock the door and grab some blankets and pillows from the hall closet for the couch. I hear her come in as I was in the kitchen making tea. I bring Mary a cup too and find her buried beneath the blankets I had brought out.
"Come on," she opened the comforter, "Lay down. What's going on?" I snuggle up beside her and she lets me rest my head on her chest.
I tell her everything about Jake, the baby, and Edward. She runs her fingers through my hair when I start crying, but I don't stop. I tell her things about my past that I've never told anyone, and my fears of failing now that I've found that I can be so much more than a prostitute. I finish with telling her about visiting the Cullen's and how nervous I am.
"I agreed! Why did I agree?!"
"You knew you would have to face them sometime." She yawned.
"Not like this!"
"Well, you can still cancel. But I think you should go clear the air." She shifted beside me pulling me to look at her. It's kind of creepy, like looking at myself in the mirror.
"There's no clearing the air. What I've done I can't take back, and I know they're going to crucify me for it." I look her straight in the eyes to convey to her why this was not a good idea. "His family is tight knit…Fuck over one; you've fucked over them all." I throw my hands in the air, defeated at the prospect of being eaten alive.
"Calm down. Just relax. Nothing bad will happen unless you allow it." Her fingers slipped through my hair again, cutting off my tantrum. I close my eyes and do as she says.
"Come with me? I told Edward I wouldn't come alone."
"I would but I have to work. Remember, I'm picking up your shift."
"Damn it." I had forgotten.
Why did I say yes?
I'm not ready to face them. I wasn't ready to face Edward and look where that got me. One of the most amazing kisses and he had my mind scrambled up; agreeing to shit I don't want to do. It's necessary, I get it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Mary being here, holding me and chasing away my fears is enough to put me to sleep.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
…I just want to be fucking normal.
I'm up again around noon. I cooked Mary and Charlie breakfast which they greatly appreciated. My breakfast casserole was a hit and dad made sure to wrap some up for Billy. After cleaning up I head upstairs to get ready. I take my time in the shower, thinking and re-thinking about the things I wanted to say to them if given the opportunity. I figure the only one I will have a real problem with is Alice, but I can handle her. It's Carlisle and Esme that I am more afraid of. If there's one thing I do know, its that parents never want to see their child in pain. I deserve whatever they feel toward me.
I dress in a light purple cardigan and a pair of skinny blue jeans. My hair is curly from my shower so I style it with a simple head band and apply some light makeup. "Ok," I stare at myself in the mirror and clearly even I can see the fear in my eyes. "You can do this Bella. Stop being a sissy, you've survived worse things than this."
Pep talk over I head downstairs to leave.
"Hey Bells." Dad is sipping on a beer, enjoying his first day off in about a week.
"Hey, um, I'm heading over to the Cullen's."
He frowned. "Are you sure that's a good idea."
"I definitely know that it's not a good idea but Edward wants me to come." I could see him contemplating what I said, then sighed and sat his beer down.
"Is the baby going to be there?"
Shit, I hadn't thought about that. "I'm sure she will."
"Isn't that going to be difficult, you seeing her and all?"
"….I don't know."
The brief moment I had with her was hard, but I don't know how I'll react when she's right there in front of me.
"Well, be careful kid. You need me to come with you?"
"I'll be fine dad. I have to face them on my own."
He smiled. "That's my girl."
That's why I love him so much.
Gathering what nerve I have left I open the door dead set on leaving. What I hadn't counted on was Jake standing on the porch. He looked just as nervous as I felt, even more so by the way he began to fidget with his shirt collar.
"….Hey B."
"Hey, Jake." I hate that things are so awkward between us now; neither of us knowing what to do. He looks terrified standing there and I doubt anything I say can quell the fear he has inside.
Shit, I'm scared too.
"Can we talk?" He made a move to come inside but I blocked him.
"Actually I'm headed out." He stepped back eyeing me for a moment. I say nothing further, no need to elaborate because I know that he knows where I'm going.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" I can't even look him in the eye to tell him that I don't. He opens his arms as the invitation that I've been waiting for and I walk into them, nuzzling his chest. There's so much that needs to be said between us, but I hold onto this moment as long as I can, because I need it. I need my best friend.
"I want to come with you." He whispers into my hair. I stare up into his eyes, he's serious.
"Umm, Jake I don't think-"
"I would like to see her…And I want to be there for you too." He holds firm to the idea.
"I don't think that's such a good idea Jake. Edward is very protective of her and I don't know how he'll react with you being there."
"I have the right to see my own kid." His nostrils flare.
I step back. "She's his kid Jake. He adopted her. We have no rights to her at all."
He sighed and dropped his head. "I still want to go with you."
He held tightly to my hand letting me know there's no more room for discussion…He's coming with me. My gut tightens, this is a bad idea. I feel it in my bones our showing up together will do nothing but cause more tension between Edward and I. Jake can hold his own, I'm sure of that…I just don't want any of them passing judgment on him when he's innocent in this.
He seems to know the way and our silence stretches on. He's still holding my hand and I can't bring myself to let him go. He's afraid and rightly so. We don't know what the hell we're walking into. The fact that he's about to meet his daughter, well he can't run away this time. Even if this ends badly I am so proud of him. He's jumping head on into unknown territory, that's more than I can say for myself.
We turn on to a hidden driveway and the anticipation has tripled. Will they even want me here? What makes me think Esme won't open the door, see me, and slam it back in my face? She should. I probably would if I were in her shoes. Their house is beautiful just as I knew it would be. Immaculate is the word that best describes it.
A castle hidden deep in the forest.
Jake parks in the driveway and kills the engine. We don't have time to second guess because the front door flies open and a red faced Rosalie comes running out. I'm out of the car and in her arms in two seconds flat. She still feels the same, soft and curvy although a little rounder around the middle. I can feel the hardness of her stomach pressing in to mine and I pull away with a shocked gasp. She smiles, although watery and more tears fall from her eyes. She gives me a look letting me know we'll talk more about it later. I bury my head back into her chest and exhale a sigh of relief. At least she still loves me.
"I'm so glad you're here." She smoothed back my hair and looked me over. I discreetly touch her belly and step back. That's when I see the rest of the family standing by the door.
I'm met with looks of contempt, mostly from Alice; Carlisle and Jasper are stoic albeit with a little more tension in their shoulders. Esme is beaming with an equally as happy baby on her hip.
The driver side door slams shut and everyone freezes. I forgot Jake was here for a moment. He hesitates but walks to my side grabbing my hand, his eyes are focused on one thing, the little girl in Esme's arms.
She looks so much like him it's ridiculous. My heart stutters when she smiles even wider and claps her little chubby hands together. This is so important to him, judging by the tear slipping down his cheek and the genuine smile on his face that mirrors his daughter's, I'd say any worry or fears he may have had are gone. The display has eased up some of the tense air, Carlisle steps forward and welcomes Jake and I inside. Alice stands just to the side as I pass by her, giving the bitch brow of death. I give her one right back.
Bring it on shorty.
"I'm so glad you could make it Bella." Esme smiles and its warm, just as it has always been.
"Of course. I mean, its ok that we're here right?" I gesture between Jake and I, who has yet to let go of the death grip on my hand.
"You are always welcome here Bella." Carlisle says. He surprises me by pulling me into a hug, but I appreciate his kindness and let go of some of the worry I've been harboring. I can tell Esme wants to hug me, but because she has the baby in her arms she's unsure of how to approach me. And speaking of the baby, she's staring in wonder at Jake and I.
Jake smiles at her and she cracks a smile right back. Her few little teeth on display…Wow, my little peanut has teeth already!
"What the fuck is he doing here?" A snarl from the top of the stairs bursts any happy bubble there may have been. Edward slowly walked down the stairs, his eyes murderous as he looks at Jake, then down to our joined hands.
"Edward, please not now." Esme practically begs him, but he's hearing none of it.
He takes the baby from his mother and cradles her in his arms where she yawns and rests her head there. "I'm going to put her down for her nap." He doesn't spare me another glance as he moves back up the stairs and out of sight. I look up at Jake who looks like he wants to kill Edward. Yep…Knew this was a bad idea.
Esme clears her throat gaining our attention. "Everything is ready. We're going to eat in the sunroom." Jake and I follow slowly behind.
Why does it feel like I'm walking to my death?
The sunroom is beautiful. I don't know if I've ever been in a sun room before but I guess it's different than a dining room, although it looks the same. Whatever. The table is decorated with pretty pink flowers and crystal. It looks so extravagant. What the hell is the occasion? This couldn't be just for me? Rose motions for me and Jake to take the empty seats next to her. Glad to not have to sit next to the evil pixie. I throw her a smile and a wink.
"Hey Bella B! Oh shit! What's up Jake!" Emmett as his usual boisterous self practically picked me up from my chair to hug me. Once he put me down he slapped Jake on the back pretty hard, it didn't seem to phase him much.
"Emmett, really act your age." Rose grouched beside me. Emmett took the seat on the other side of her at the head of the table.
He ignored her and continued in on Jake. "How's the hangover?"
"Uh…Fine," Jake blanched, "Listen, I'm sorry about that. I'm not much of a drinker and I was upset-"
"It's alright." Em cut him off. "I understand. Just don't let me ever catch you like that again." And that was the end of that.
The table became quiet as we settled in to eat. Esme made quite a spread. Assorted meats, frattatas, and fruits. It was all delicious but I couldn't enjoy it. Edward's eyes were burning a hole in the side of my face.
I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"So, Jacob, how is your father?" Carlisle asked sitting his knife and fork down.
Jake wiped his mouth before he spoke. "He's doing great. It's still an adjustment getting used to the wheelchair but he's taking it in stride."
"That's great to hear." Esme smiled sweetly at him. Jake returned her gesture with a nod.
And then silence…But not for long.
"So we're going to just sit here and pretend that everything is fine?" Alice spat pushing her half eaten plate away.
"Alice please!" Carlisle begged.
"No, I'm sick of this! Let's not act like Edward didn't invite her here to talk, and since all of you want to sit here and beat around the bush, I'll go first." Her piercing eyes cut to me, and she let it fly. "We took you in…gave you a chance at a better life, and you just walk out on us, no run! You ran away like all those months meant nothing. They meant something to me, meant something to all of us, especially my brother! He's been shitted on enough!"
She's right, he has. I could feel Jake's eyes on me as Alice continued to yell at me about how terrible of a person I was and I didn't deserve her brother.
She's right…
…She's absolutely right.
But I don't think it's fair that when she speaks she includes everyone as if they all agree. By some of the shaking heads I can see that isn't the case. She starts rambling about all the things we could have done together had I not ditched her when I couldn't take it anymore.
…And I had enough of that!
I went zero to one hundred real quick. "Alice, don't you ever get tired of talking so fucking much!? I get it, I'm the scum of the earth in your eyes but this isn't just about you. I'm sorry I hurt you and everyone at this table with my actions and I will have to live with the regret for the rest of my life, but stop fucking making this solely about you!"
She sat slack jawed for a moment. "When its about my family it has everything to do with me."
"I'm sure you think that, but have you truly listened to how any of them really feel? I mean come on, who died and made you spokesperson of the Cullen family?" My old snarky self was starting to seep through. I earned a few snickers around the table.
"My family feels the same way that I do." She crossed her arms looking around the table.
"Well I hope you don't think you speak for me, but I don't feel the same way you do squirt." Emmett piped up between bites. He obnoxiously burped, earning him a slap on the arm from Rosalie.
"What do you mean Em? We talked about this!"
"No, you talked but I never said I agreed." He looked between Alice and I. "Me and B already discussed this. I let her know how I felt and she let me know how she felt. I accept that and I'm done with it."
"But Em-"Alice couldn't believe he turned on her.
"Don't put me in this anymore Alice! I'm done holding on to my anger just because you can't forgive her. She did what she had to do, and none of us at this table would ever understand the shit she's been through. But she made it! She's alive, and she's trying to get her life on track. I'm proud of her, and if you can't see that she's a better person then you don't deserve her friendship."
The entire table was stunned quiet. No one said anything, and no one touched their food.
"How," she started, "how can you forgive her?"
Rosalie growled next to me and threw her napkin on the table. "For fucks sake Al, shut up! I'm so tired of you going on and on about this. You act like you've never made a mistake before. You act like your record is so squeaky clean and you have a right to look down your nose at others. Let's not forget why you really ran off and married Jasper in Las Vegas!"
"You promised to never bring that up!" Alice almost screamed. Her eyes had never been so large.
"What is she talking about?" Jasper looked at his wife.
"I'll tell you later."
"No, tell him now. Tell the whole table, including your parents that you got knocked up and found out a few weeks before your eighteenth birthday and you didn't want to look like a whore so you talked Jasper in to marrying you. C'mon Al, tell the truth!"
Wow, Rose was really going in for the kill.
Esme gasped. "Is that true Alice!"
"Yeah mom, it's true! I was pregnant but I lost it alright. But I was going to marry Jasper anyway whether you wanted me to or not."
"So all that time the two of you had been having unprotected sex and you lied to me saying you were a virgin?" Carlisle scoffed.
"Like I was going to tell my parents I had been having sex since I was thirteen."
"THIRTEEN!" Everyone gasped, except me. Alice was a good liar spinning a web like she had waited until her wedding night and Jasper was the only guy she had been with. Look how the cookie crumbles.
"How the fuck did the conversation switch to me? And anyway, since we're telling secrets did you tell Emmett that you cheated on him with your friend Megan in college?"
That evil little TOAD!
Rose wasn't put off in the slightest. "Emmett knew about that."
"Oh really? And how did he know?"
"Because I fucked her too." Emmett chuckled.
"Oh my ears!" Esme pushed her plate away.
"Everyone knew that Alice." Edward shook his head speaking for the first time.
"ENOUGH OF THIS!" Carlisle stood from his seat. "I'M SO TIRED OF THIS FAMILY FIGHTING! NOW IF WE CAN'T SIT DOWN AND DISCUSS THIS LIKE ADULTS THEN I THINK WE SHOULD CUT THIS VACATION SHORT AND JUST GO BACK HOME!" He looked around the table at our stunned faces then walked away.
Esme also stood up. "He's right. You all need to work this out. I'm tired of trying to keep things calm around here with you stubborn little assholes! Fix this or go back to Seattle!" She walked out too.
"Thanks a lot Alice." Edward rolled his eyes.
"Shut up! Well, at least I didn't give the trader money and help her run away!" Alice was back at Rosalie's throat.
"Unlike you I was helping her. That's what true friends do."
"So now I'm not a true friend!"
"Fuck Al-" Em looked just about ready to blow.
"I wasn't a good friend to you Bella?" Alice looked at me and for the first time I could really see the hurt in her eyes.
I remained silent.
She bristled at that. "Bella I looked at you like a sister. I admired your strength to have gone through what you have and still be alive. But you're a coward! You walked out on your daughter and my brother and this family like we meant nothing to you and that hurts the most. You truly are a heartless bitch!"
"I'm sorry you feel that way Alice."
She slammed her fists down on the table. "Stop acting like you don't feel anything. I know you do."
"I feel a lot thank you very much. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving, and if that makes me heartless then so be it." I was trying hard not to burst into tears looking at their faces. "I didn't come here to cause a fight between you guys. I thought I would never see you again, and I was content with knowing that because I couldn't look at any of you and see the pity you have for me in your eyes. You may never understand why I am the way that I am...But I won't depend on anyone to fix me, ever again."
"But we love you Bella." Rose rubbed my arm.
"I never wanted any of this to happen." A single tear fell from my eye. "You want me to sit here and grovel at your feet to beg for your forgiveness…Well, that's not happening."
I wasn't hungry anymore. I'm officially done with this.
My feet carried me somewhere within the house and I found myself sitting in what looked like a den, a fancy one, but a den none the less. I needed to breathe…What the hell was all of that? How did it turn from a nice brunch to a war or words and accusations? Maybe my leaving had more of an impact on them than I once thought. These people are just as fragile as I am.
I should go…
"I'm glad you came." He was standing just beside where I was sitting and the hairs on the back of my neck prickled. Damn him for making me react this way.
"Yeah." I don't want to look at him, because if I do I'm afraid he'll see more than I want him to.
"So..." He replied sitting down on the couch beside me. Now we were both shifting in our seats and looking for something to distract ourselves.
"What, ah...?" I couldn't seem to find a way to ask it that didn't sound accusatory in my head. "Why are you...I mean what are you doing here?"
He sat for a moment contemplating his answer. "Why did you bring him?"
Of course, more fighting.
"Jake is here with me for support."
"Are you sure about that?"
"…What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means the two of you look more like you're together than him just being here for support."
His jealousy never ceases to amaze me. "Whatever you're thinking, because I know it's something blown way out of proportion, you can stop. There's nothing going on between us."
"But he's here which means something."
I frown and purse my lips. "He wanted to see the baby, that's all."
"Well that's not going to happen."
I don't want to fight. I don't even want to be here right now.
"I'm sorry about Alice. You know how passionate she gets about us."
"Don't apologize for her. She has every right to feel the way she does. I just hate that you guys let her speak up for you. I'd rather hear what you have to say from your mouth, not hers." He nodded in agreement.
"I just wish-"he began but stopped when Jake walked in. Edward immediately tensed his shoulders.
"Where is she?" Jake asked looking down on the two of us.
"Who?"
"The baby. Where is she?"
Fuck! Here we go again! I can't catch a fucking break can I?
"You're not seeing her." Edward growled.
Jake eyed him, and I swear his muscles got bigger. "I deserve the right to get to know my daughter." He was trying to hold on to his anger.
Edward stood up and got in his face. "She's not your daughter, she's mine!"
"If I would have known she wouldn't be yours!"
"You're a child yourself! You would have never known she existed had you not met Bella!"
"Well I did, and despite how she came into this world, I'm still her father!" Jake grabbed Edward's shirt and I was up out of my seat, pushing the two of them apart.
"No Jake! Please don't do this." I cried.
"Stay out of this Bella." Jake made to push me away but I held on to his bicep.
Not here, not fucking now!
"I just need to know if you're going to be a problem." Edward jerked his shirt out of Jake's grasp and began pacing back and forth, pulling at his hair.
"A problem for what?"
"Are you going to try to take Claire from me?" He looked ready to break down.
"That's her name?" Jake asked, at Edward's hesitant nod he smiled. "It's beautiful." And just that quick, they seemed to have come to a silent agreement.
"I just need to know if you're going to try to take my daughter from me."
"I….." Jake hesitated looking at me. "I should, just because I don't really like you man," then he shook his head, "But no, I'm not going to take her from you. I'm still a kid myself, just like you said and I'm going to be going back to school soon…But I would like to be in her life as much as you will allow." This was the most grown up I'd ever seen of Jake.
Edward exhaled a sigh of relief and nodded. "We can work something out."
So if these two can work it out so quickly, maybe there's hope that things will be ok.
Just then Rosalie walked in carrying Claire in her arms. She looked like she had been crying but still drowsy from her nap. She yawned as she was passed to Edward.
"Would you like to hold her?"
Jake nodded hesitantly and took a seat on the couch. Edward passed her over and Claire laid peacefully against Jake's chest closing her eyes. It was a surreal moment to say the least. Claire had two daddies who loved her.
I need air.
Rose could see the panicked look on my face and led me outside. I sat down on the wooden steps on the back deck and sighed, wiping my eyes and runny nose on my sleeve.
"That went better than I thought it would." Rosalie had apparently walked right out behind me and I hadn't noticed.
"Yeah maybe."
"You ok?" I shrug. I don't know how to make sense of everything that has happened. It's all still fresh and new, hard to place it in the already chaotic parts of my life.
"Well you look good," she said as she settled on the steps to my right. I shifted uncomfortably in my spot for a second, trying to figure out how I was supposed to respond to that.
"You do too," seemed like the best option. I place my hands in my lap and eyed her a bit. It was no lie, she looked good. But then, she always was too damn pretty.
"I'm sorry I ruined brunch."
"Ah, Fuck it. Esme wanted to celebrate the baby news but I knew Alice wasn't going to let us enjoy anything, the little bitch." Rose rolled her eyes. I laughed at her exceptionally sharp tongue. I may not curse as much as I used to, but Rose is a girl after my own heart.
"How far along are you?" I ask.
"Almost four months." She rubbed her belly.
"You're pretty out there for four months."
"Twins." She was glowing, and it was beautiful.
"Wow! Rose, that's great."
"Runs in the Cullen family. Carlisle was a twin but his brother died at birth. His father was also a twin. It's amazing Carlisle never produced any, but his son sure has."
"I'm happy for you. You'll make an amazing mother."
"Thank you Bella, I appreciate that." She was always better at taking a compliment than me too. "I've had some practice, thanks to you." She bumped my leg. I cringed slightly and looked away. I don't need to be reminded of how I abandoned my daughter.
"Look, I'm not out here for any explanation. I think you know by now that I'm on your side. I really just want to know how you're doing." How am I doing? Before coming here today I thought I was doing pretty well for myself. I have everything I could have wanted and then some. It hit me that no, I've been in hiding, pretending.
"I'm scared."
"Of what sweetheart?" She rubbed my shoulder.
"I mean," I sniffed trying to wipe my eyes but the tears wouldn't stop. "I mean, not in a sense that I'm alone or anything because I have a bunch of amazing people by my side; I'm just afraid that all of this fighting is for nothing. I mess up everything."
"Don't think like that."
"I don't want you guys fighting because of me. I'm not worth causing a rift between all of you."
Rose rolled her eyes. "Oh please, I don't know why you care so much what we think. Sure we're a close family and we love each other, but we aren't angels. We're not this perfect picture you have in your head. All of us have secrets and demons that follow us every day, just like you. Do you think I wake up every morning and I'm just walking on sunshine? No, I have nightmares about a man who I looked to as an uncle rape me over and over again. I struggle with that, but I refuse to let it defeat me….Don't let the past defeat you Bella. Stop hiding in the shadows, get out there and start living."
Start living…
She kissed my forehead and went back into the house.
Start living…
…Start living.
Can I really do that? I thought I had been these past seven months, but maybe I've just been existing…Yeah, I've just existed in this fake paradise I've made for myself. I forced myself into this false sense of security when really it's just that I moved from one fucked up reality to another not so fucked up reality. What did I do before? Lived on the street and sold my body…existed, never moving forward. And then I met Edward and everything was good…And then, I left that.
So, what now?
Strong arms and the familiar smell of Jake wrapped around me, pulling me up. "Let me drive you home." No protest there. I wanted to ask what happened with him and Edward after I left, but I figured if he wanted to talk about it he would.
"You hate me too?" I asked feeling restless after being quiet for so long.
Without taking his eyes off the road, Jake grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "Of course not. Why would I hate you?"
"For doing this to you…"
"It's not like it was on purpose. We didn't know each other back then…I'm not mad at you Bella. She's beautiful and she's happy, that's all I care about. You did the best that you could."
"They really love her, even before she was born they loved her." I remember fondly how the doted on me while I was pregnant. What was annoying then seems endearing now. I never realized how good I'd had it.
"They love you too."
I shrugged. "I don't deserve it."
"You deserve to be happy." He said, with finality in that statement.
"You're a good guy Jake. I'm sorry I took her away from you. I can tell how much you love her." If it was any indication by the smile on his face, it was that he was head over heels for her, and that made me feel for the first time like I had done something right.
"I never thought I could love someone so much by meeting them for the first time. She's perfect...But I'm too young to be her father. I have absolutely nothing to give her, you made the right choice."
"You're not mad?"
"Of course not. She's still our daughter, nothing will ever change that."
Jake turned on to my street and parked at the curb. "You're not coming in?" I asked unbuckling my seatbelt.
"Nah, I have to get home. I have some things to do with my dad."
I had hoped that he would want to come in so we could talk a little more. I really just wanted to see where his head was with everything, but his father is more important, and we'll definitely talk another time.
I watch Jake look up in the rearview mirror and chuckle. "You have company." He says. I look behind us and see a grey Volvo pulling up behind the rabbit.
Edward had followed me home.
"I'll call you tomorrow?" He asked.
"Uh, yeah, of course. Thank you for coming with me."
"I should be the one thanking you."
"Why?"
He pulled me into a hug. "You gave me a daughter. It's time for me to grow up and be a man and I have her as my inspiration now."
"Oh, Jake." I melted in his arms.
"I'll see you tomorrow." He placed a sweet kiss to my cheek.
Once I closed the door he pulled off leaving me in his dust. Edward was leaning against the car when I turned around. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
"Did you really have to follow me all the way home…It's kind of creepy Cullen."
He smirked. "Can we talk?"
He motioned to his car… I get in just as he is closing the door on his side. "So," I turn to him, he's already watching me, "What did you want to talk about?"
"Nothing, not really."
"Then why did you say you wanted to talk? Most of the time when people say can we talk, they have something to say. What the hell-" He placed his finger on my lips
"Just shut up. Don't ruin this."
"Ruin what?" I'm not the one who drove out of my way to follow him home, so what the hell?
He sighed. "We could sit here all night and talk about what happened back at the house, or what's happened between us, but really I just want to hold you."
…Oh!…
"Really?" My voice uncharacteristically rose an octave, I think I may have dripped all over the seat. He wants to hold me? Do you know how amazing that sounds…And how much I want that too. But we were in his car and I wasn't sure how we were going to manage this. He laughed at my perplexed expression and did a move I was so used to doing back in my prostitution days, he climbed to the back seat.
Good things never happen in backseats when you're alone with a hot guy and it's been a long time since you've had sex.
Throwing caution to the wind I join him, feeling extremely nervous as I settle in. He doesn't give me long to work myself up because he's wrapping me in his arms, and I'm inhaling his scent, and it's making my head fuzzy. This feeling unlike the way Jake hugs me, or even my dad, it's Edward...The man I love. I thought I would never feel this again. Unspoken heartache lingers between us, the tension never quite leaves his body and I know there is a chance he will never truly forgive me, but it's a start.
"I've longed for this moment," his hand came up to smooth my hair, "I've dreamed of this moment."
Overcome with emotion, all I can say is "I'm sorry." I hope he knows that I mean for everything.
"I'm sorry too, for being selfish." He says.
We both are. No matter how far I try to run, I can't stop the way that I feel for Edward. And no matter how hard he tries, he can't let me go. How fucked up are we? His arms tighten around me. "I wish it could have been different, but I want to say that I get it. I want to say that I understand you better and, I think I can relate to you more now than I could before…"
"…But?"
"I don't want to have to face reality and that, I'm afraid too."
What could he possibly be afraid of? He has everything any sane person in this world could want; a loving family, a beautiful daughter, money, friends, lo-… It hits me then as if it hadn't been so abundantly clear…Edward is afraid of being alone. Even surrounded by people who love and care for him, it's not enough, and it may never be. If I'd opened my eyes to see it, maybe I would have handled things differently; or maybe not. I can't say that I would have done much of anything in the state of mind I was in back then. I couldn't get out of my own ass long enough for that. Forget everyone else my leaving may have affected…I hurt him, but just how much damage had been done?
We're both a lost cause.
"I feel guilty sometimes," he started, "I look at Claire and I see so much of you, it's like you're right there with me…"
"Edward-"
"Shhh," He looked down at me. I give a reluctant nod and let him finish. "I just…need to know that all of this was worth it. That you didn't come into my life and turn it upside down for no other reason but that we're meant to be. I believe in fate Bella, and we crossed paths for a reason. I'm tired of being angry one minute and fucking sad the next. I need to heal, and it has to start with coming to terms with what I know in my heart is real. I fucking love you. I love you so much it hurts…I love you so much it's hard to breathe without you. I've cried, I've yelled and screamed, none of it will bring you back to me unless that's what you want."
"I do, I just don't know how."
"I know baby." Does he actually get it now? Does he get how hard my inner battle is?
"What do you want?" He asks against my temple. I love feeling his breath against my skin.
"So many things." The list was endless. So many hopes and dreams that once seemed unobtainable were now clear, and it was up to me to take that leap of faith. To dive in without being afraid and I knew that my weakness of the unknown would try to sabotage me.
"What's stopping you now?"
I thought for a moment. "Nothing." I could be more than this, if I would only try. I've made the first steps.
"I want you to succeed. I want you to have everything you ever wanted."
I burst into tears and he's holding me tighter. "…I want the same for you too." Because I do. I want Edward to have everything he's ever wanted because someone as good and decent as him should never have to be heartbroken.
After a few long, tense minutes, his grip on me lessens. "I'm going to start going to therapy," he says, "There are some unresolved issues I need to take care of."
Pride swells up in my chest. He's doing it, he's starting to live. Like he can sense what I'm thinking he moves back so that we're face to face, dropping his forehead to mine and looking deep into my eyes. The green is not as vibrant as I remembered, the sadness in them changing the color. They're dark and sad, like him I suppose.
I want to say I'm sorry again but words are just words. I'll have to show him, I'll have to show everyone.
"Kiss me."
At his request I hesitate only to make sure I heard him clearly. When he doesn't pull away I close the space between us; my lips claiming his, no battle for domination, just powerful, and raw and beautiful. The more tension that leaves my body, the bolder my hands become as they search his arms, moving steadily up his neck and into his hair. I can remember a time when I had taken this for granted and now looking back I realize I never will again.
I want to get carried away with him like we used to in his bed. My stomach isn't in the way now, it would take nothing for me to straddle him and take what I want…It's been so very long.
I want no other man inside of me but him…But we can't.
Not even close.
He knows it by the way he pulls back, and I know it with a sad moan of protest. We can't do this now. Maybe one day…
That's a big maybe.
"I'll wait for you Bella." He kisses the side of my neck.
"No," I shake my head knowing this conversation has to happen before we part ways, but loathing it just the same. "Don't say that. I don't want you to do that."
"I can't deny how I feel. I won't."
"I'm not asking you to deny it."
"Then what are you asking?"
Why do things have to be so complicated?
"You shouldn't have to wait for me. I may never get to that point where I'm one hundred percent ok."
He shook his head. "I'm not asking for you to be one hundred percent! I'm not even asking for you to be fifty percent…All I'm saying is, I know what I fucking want and I don't care how long it takes. If we're meant to be, we will. But I want you to know that you will always be number one in my life…I don't want anyone else."
He makes no sense. Who would wait around for someone who doesn't know what the hell they want?! I just don't get it!
"I'm not deliberately trying to push you out of my life Edward, I hope you understand that. I'm trying to gain some semblance of a life worth living, and I want that for you too. I don't want you to wait for me only to have you resenting me if I never make it back to you."
We have to think about the what if's, the maybe's, the shoulda coulda woulda's and everything in between. It's not just black and white, cut and dry. It's not as simple as he's making it out to be.
Or am I making it harder…
"Look at me," he takes my face in his hands, "we both have a lot of work to do. It's going to be scary and we may both feel like giving up, but I won't because I want you to be at that finish line with me. Who's to say that we won't fuck up, that's a part of life and we have to face it. You have to face your demons just like I do, but we can do it together. You don't have to do this alone you know. I'm a phone call away. Just call me, so I can hear your voice. We can help each other through this until we can find our way back. As much as I want to take you with me, I know you have to find yourself on your own, and I will respect that. But, don't shut me completely out again. "
"Ok."
He bends down to press another kiss to my lips and I respond with everything in me.
I'm not alone.
I never truly was…
…And I don't have to be afraid, because I have him.
And he has me.
We part ways with the exchanging of phone numbers. He promises to call, and I promise to answer. He tells me that he's cutting his visit to Forks short and going back to Seattle with Claire. It's going to be hard, but I think we both found the resolve we needed to start putting one foot in front of the other.
I have a lot to think about, and so much more to do.
"I love you Bella."
One last time…
"I love you too Edward."
Charlie is waiting on the couch for me when I come inside. He doesn't ask right away but he knows just by looking at my face. I sit next to him and he lays a reassuring hand on my back. I tell him everything; he sits quietly and processes it all. I tell him what I want to do, and he smiles before agreeing to help me.
"I can't ask you to do that." But like me, he's stubborn.
"I owe it to you."
I could protest and try to fight it, but damn it I've had enough of that for one day. He wants to be the father that I deserve though he's already done so much for me. He'll never understand what he means in my life, and how my heart swells with love as I hug him. He promises to be by my side every step of the way.
This day has been one eye opening revelation after another with plenty of moments that will forever stick with me as I move forward into my future. It took the words of the people who love me to give me that kick in the ass I've needed…I don't want to let any of them down, and I definitely don't want to continue to let myself down. I can be a good person…I can have what everyone else does. But I'll have to work for it.
It's time…
…..
A/N: So I know this chapter was all over the place but I wanted to get it out so you guys had something. I've been slacking but it's only because I can't seem to get my ideas together. I have so many stories that I've started to write and I want to publish them here, but I want to wait until I finish Realize before starting something else.
For those of you that are still riding with me, thank you so much for the support. I've been working on this story for four years and some of you have been around since the beginning. Thank you for your patience. The good news is, I've started a new job where I have unlimited access to a computer, so I'm going to push myself into finishing this story very soon. Four more chapters to go. Wish me luck.
Tell me what you think. Is Bella slowly starting to redeem herself? What about Edward? And how about that Alice? Let me know what you guys thought of the chapter.