Ch 37

Mature Content Warning! Self harm, suicide, overdosing, and sex. In a way, this is a smut scene, but at the same time it isn't. I don't want it to be porn for the sake for porn, but something that really develops my characters and moves the story along. This is an emotional scene that just happens to contain sex.

Also, so sorry for not posting yesterday. I was busy as all hell. Went to the con, which was awesome. I dressed as Astha Asran from Trinity Blood. Didn't buy anything, sadly, but I saw some pretty epic costumes. The best one was probably the Corpse Bride. She was so pretty!

Making Love As Tears Fall

"Dulling from within to find a reason for it all

Lost for years

In the storm

Waiting for the rain to stop me from washing me away

I held on tight

Awaiting night"

"And I lay me down to sleep

And find a world where I was free"

"Imagine a place

Where dreams lead the way

And all of your colors fade the grey

Imagine the dream

Now close both your eyes

Fall into the violet skies"

-In This Moment "Violet Skies"

The days following my rescue went by in a haze. We had my dad's funeral, along with six other NEST soldiers who'd lost their lives.

We had a memorial for Skids, Mudflap, Jolt and Flareup. The bots mourned them, especially the femmes.

I couldn't bring myself to care.

My body was healing well. I no longer needed energon transfusions. The butchered piece of meat and energy in my chest was stabilizing. I now had a half heart, half spark beating in my ribcage.

My brutalized lower regions had been so damaged that Ratchet had been forced to remove most of it. I would never be able to have children. The length of what Blockage had pounded into me had ruined my reproductive parts. The rest of it had healed enough that, if I ever got over the emotional scars, sex would still be an option. Not that I wanted to ever be touched in that way again.

The energon in my body made my veins glow a little in dim light. My eyes were also brighter, so unlike how I felt on the inside.

For five days I refused to leave my closet. I just sat there in the corner, crying until I didn't have any tears.

I didn't eat, drink, and hardly slept. At first people would come by and try and get me to come out. When I didn't make a sound, they slowly stopped coming. Only Sunny, Sides, and Ratchet checked on me after that.

The only reason I even came out of that closet was to vomit my stomach out. It had only been a little bit of saliva, then dry heaving.

The twins wouldn't let me go back in there after. They made sure I ate and drank at least a little, slept an hour or two, and didn't do anything to hurt myself.

That stage hadn't come yet. With mom, it had been a week of mourning, a few days of extremely violence behavior, then attempted suicide.

I seemed to be following the same pattern.

When I finally rejoined the living, the first thing I did was punch a soldier hard enough to give him a serious concussion. I don't even remember what had made me do it, I just knew I wanted to make someone else hurt.

The humans had given me a wide berth after that. There was only a bloody nose and broken collar bone after.

Not even the bot's were safe. In a sparing match, I ripped out a vital energon line in Bee's hand. He'd had to go to Ratchet to keep from bleeding out too much.

The scary thing, I hadn't felt anything.

It's been eight days since I got rescued. Eight days since my dad died.

Eight days later, and I've finally hit rock bottom...

I stared blankly at the tile wall in front of me. Burning hot water cascaded over my shoulders, drowning my thick brown hair and burning my too dry eyes.

Shivers rocked my body, even though my naked skin was flushed red from the heat. Laying carelessly on its side next to me was an empty bottle of Tylenol. Two hours before, it had been full.

Now, all fifty of the 500mg pills resided in my stomach. I felt my abdomen clench as the muscles spasmed.

Dizziness and pain fogged my head as I fumbled with the cybertronian knife I'd been given last christmas by both my twins.

My twins...

I'm so sorry. I thought. I just can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. I love you. I pressed the knife against my inner arm, only to jerk it away as I vomited in the water. It was mostly water and bile, as I hadn't eaten anything in the last two days.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, wincing at the acidic taste of my own vomit. I'd only just risen the knife again when more contractions hit me. The knife fell from my hand as I leaned over, dry heaving. My naked body was racked with shivers and thick drops of sweat were being washed down with the water.

The nausea momentarily passing, I once again picked up the blade and, with a quick slash, cut as deep as I could. The razor sharp weapon easily cut through my muscle and fat, going deep enough to even knick the bone. Soon blood was mixing with the water and sweat.

I was already beginning to feel faint. Purple was starting to overtake clear as I bled out. With shaking hands, I lifted the gift to my neck and started to dig in.

Thin beads of blood made their way to the surface of my body as the cold metal bit in deeper.

My arms began to shake too much and I was force to drop the knife. Thick trails of blood rolled down my throat as I doubled over again and vomited out nothing.

My hand was reaching once more for the knife when the bathroom door broke off its hinges.

Standing in the doorway were the panicked looking human forms of my twins. Two pairs of fiery blue eyes locked on to my own. I saw the terror in them, and a pang of guilt cut through my already damaged heart.

"Katt..." Sideswipe gasped. They both took in my shaking and bleeding body with looks of horror.

"I-i'm s-" I couldn't finish, as my stomach rioted against me and I was once again doubled over, dry heaves overtaking me.

Both holoforms ran to me and knelt down in the water with me. Sides bent over my left while Sunny looked around helplessly from my right.

"What happened?" Sunstreaker asked, panic in his voice. I glanced up at both of them, then to the empty bottle lying next to me.

Understanding registered in their eyes. "Oh, Katt..." Sideswipe breathed. "Oh Primus Katt. What did you do?"

I felt a strong grip take hold of my right shoulder. I glanced up to see Sunstreaker's pale face looking at me with wide eyes. "What did you do?"

My jaw began to tremble. I shook my head, drops of water and blood flying around me. I could already feel my damn body healing. Feel the drugs being purged from my system and the wounds slowly healing up.

I let out a sob. "I just wanted it to end." I wept. "It just hurts so much! I can't do it anymore!" I screamed.

"We need to get you to Ratchet."

I shook my head. "No. There's no point. I'm already healing." I felt them both scan me to see if what I said was true.

"How is that possible?" Breathed Sunstreaker.

I shrugged, hiccuping. "Every-every time I try to kill myself, I can't. I just fucking can't." I began to cry harder.

My sobs were interrupted when two pairs of arms wrapped around me and held me close. I cried into their soaked clothing, my naked body shaking as we huddled together under the water.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I kept saying over and over again.

"It's okay." Murmured Sideswipe.

"We're here. Don't worry." Soothed Sunstreaker.

I don't know how long we stayed like that. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours.

"I know who you lost." I whispered at last. Both twins froze. Still, I continued. "I know who died to make you so... bitter. So broken." I looked up at them, at their shocked expressions. "Her name was Havoc. And Megatron killed her."

"H-how?" Sideswipe croaked.

"Because she's in here," I tapped my forehead, "and here." I gestured to my chest. "Ever since I was little, I've had dreams about cybertron, about the war, the autobots and decepticons. And about you."

They looked at me with confusion.

"In my dreams... I'm a cybertronian. A femme born in Kaon. My creators were killed when I was young. Their murderers sold me into slavery."

I watched as recognition slowly filled their eyes. This story was familiar.

"I killed my owner, and became a gladiator. That's where I met the two of you. We became friends, then lovers, then...mates." I swallowed. "We were decepticons." I continued. "We fought and killed autobots, because it was all we knew. But then I-I..." I felt tears burning in the back of my eyes. "I s-sparked... I...I went to F-flotilla... and then M-megatron."

I began to sob all over again. The twins just held me as I cried out my heart and soul. I hardly noticed them glance between themselves, shock and a faint glimmer of hope in their expressions.

Sideswipe cupped my chin with his hand and lifted my face up to look in his eyes. "Havoc...?" He whispered, hoping, pleading it to be true.

I nodded. "Yeah. Me and her... we're the same. The P-primes," I hiccuped, "the Primes said it was r-reincarnation..." I licked my lips. My eyes traveled between each of their own.

"It's me." I whispered.

I was suddenly enveloped in two crushing hugs. My nails dug into their shoulders as I hugged them back.

"My twins... my beautiful twins." I sobbed. "I'm so confused. I'm her... she's me. But we're not." I pressed my face into the hollow of Sunstreaker's neck. "I am but I'm not." I cried.

I felt soft kisses brush against my forehead and shoulders.

"It doesn't matter." Murmured Sideswipe.

"We love you either way." Finished Sunstreaker.

I let out a strangled laugh. They loved me. I felt like my soul would burst from all the swirling emotions.

"Thank you." I sobbed. "Thank you. I love you. I love you both." My bare chest pressed against both of theirs as they pulled me into their shared laps. My body shook as I cried.

"It hurt." I whimpered. "It hurt s-so bad. W-when he tore t-them out. M-megatron tore them out a-and c-crushed them like they were n-nothing."

My mates mourned with me. We mourned for the death of our children, for the death I died.

It slowly registered that I was sitting naked in their laps, that my bare breasts were pressed against them, that Sunny's leg was situated between my own.

I felt my cheeks flush instinctually, but there was no embarrassment.

I shifted and gasped as fire burned its way from where Sunny's leg touched me all the way to the base of my skull.

A sudden, aching need filled me. All the way from my toes to the top of my head, I began to heat up, a deep huger tearing me apart. Warmth filled my belly. "I need you." I whispered. I felt them freeze against me, unsure of what I meant.

"Please." I choked out. "I need- I need you both." The heat in my chest had risen to a near unbearable temperature.

"I-I want you to make love to me." I whispered, my face pressed between both their shoulders. "I can't take it anymore!" I practically screamed. "I don't want to be alone anymore. I need... I need you in me again. Even if it's just our bodies, even... even if the bond isn't there, I just need you to love me."

My trembling lips were suddenly stilled by Sunstreaker's gentle mouth. The need continued to build in me and I pressed hard into the kiss. Sunstreaker responded with equal force. I gasped when he bit down on my bottom lip, causing the burning in my nerves to ignite me into an inferno.

We pulled away slowly, both breathing heavy and dazed.

"We do love you." Sunstreaker whispered against my neck. The burning continued to raise until my skin was literally making steam and my veins glowed. I gasped, the pleasant burn filling my chest. I pressed my hands against the skin between my breasts, and watched in awe and confusion as it lit up a blinding blue.

"Wha-?" Two tendrils of hot white lightning sprang from my chest and slammed into the twin's own. We all three gasped as a rush of sensation and emotion plowed into us with all the grace of a bulldozer. I arched back as intense pleasure racked my every nerve. My eyes rolled back in my head as the heat swelled and consumed my every fiber.

I was suddenly overtaken with an overwhelming sense of completion. A ragged gasp left my lips as feelings of adoration and love filled me. Feeling that were not me own.

"We love you." Whispered a voice in my head and in my spark. I nearly wept at the sound. It was the voice of my mates, speaking as one voice and one spark.

"We love all of you." They told me. "We love who you are, who you were, who you can be."

I was pulled close to Sideswipe as he capture my lips in his own. The kiss blazed with passion, with need. I eagerly excepted the advance, moving my mouth against his own, alighting sparks along the soft flesh.

"Havoc was our mate, but so are you."

I broke away only to take Sunstreaker's mouth to my own. Sideswipe's hands began to wander down my body as I kissed his twin. I shivered as he brushed against the side of my exposed breast.

"You are our mate." The said in unison. "We want you."

I moaned against Sunstreaker's lips, the taste so unbearably sweet. I gasped as Sides began to kiss me along my shoulders. His soft lips trailed along my collar bone and down the front of my chest. The heat in me built as he kissed along my breast. I pulled away from Sunny to run my teeth along his neck, causing him to gasp and moan.

They both moved to kneel on either side of me with me sitting atop Sides' right leg and Sunny's left. I gasped loudly as Sides began to kiss me along my sternum and down the valley of my chest. Sides' mouth opened around my left breast suckling my nipple.

Liquid heat raced through me, making me arch slightly into the touch. I moaned softly fisting my hands in Sunny's hair and pressed my face into his shoulder. He gently pulled away as he kissed his way down to my other breast to lavish it with gentle licks.

I felt Sides leave my breasts to kiss his way further down my body. His lips brushed over my belly, then went further to ghost over the subtle 'v' beneath. His hot breath fanned over my sensitive flesh as he spread my legs and knelt between them. I whimpered, my body alight with fire.

Sunny moved to sit behind me, my back leaning into his strong front. From there he teased and nipped at my ear and neck.

Movement between my legs pulled my attention back to Sideswipe. I felt his tongue flicked out over my bud making me gasp and moan. "Sides..."

Sunny took my jaw in his hand and moved my head up to take my lips once again. With his hands he continue to massaging my chest. His lips held fiercely against mine, muffling any sound I made when Sides started sensuously flicking his tongue over my womanhood, sending unbelievable gratification through me. I unconsciously started thrusting my hips back slowly creating more of the sensation. Small tendrils of humor flowed through the bond from Sides.

His soft tongue continuously flicked back and forth over my bud, then down to my opening, then back up around my bud to suck at it. I panted and gasped. Moaned and cried. Tears of passion began to fall down my cheeks as they loved my body.

Pleasure tore through every inch of me building into a tight knot in my lower stomach. I threw my head back and cried out when I felt one last lick that made instant euphoria shoot through me. The sensation was like an intense warmth clenching and unclenching every muscle in my body simultaneously until I felt like jelly.

I slumped back against Sunstreaker once it passed. He gently rubbed circles on my back as I came down from my high. It had been nothing like I'd ever felt before.

Once my heart had stopped its frantic beating, I turned my body around once more to face them. I desperately tug at their cloths. In a moment, the nanates making up the fabric vanished, leaving them just as naked as me.

Sunny gently laid me down on the cool tile, then bend over and ravaged my breasts. My hands wrapped around his shoulders, my nails digging in deep enough to bypass the nanates and scratch the protoform beneath.

Sides moved to kneel between my slightly spread legs, kissing and licking over my stomach and hips. While doing so, he took hold of my thighs and pushed my legs farther apart.

Once my legs were spread as far as they could possibly go, my mates pressed their lengths against my opening. I hadn't realized just how big they were until then. I tensed in preparation for the intrusion.

"Shhh, just relax. We would never willingly hurt you." Sides stroked my hair gently.

My eyes quickly slammed shut as I willed my body to relax when I felt them actually pressing up against me. Memories of when I had been in this situation last time came flashing back, the torture I went through with Blockade. It almost made me want to run away and hide.

A gentle pressure on the middle of my chest forced me to open my eyes. Both of my mechs had their hands pressed over where my now awakened spark resided.

Their eyes were locked on mine, somehow reassuring me with just one look that they would never hurt me. And I...believed them. I could feel their reassurances coursing through me. They wouldn't hurt me. They never had.

"Ok...I'm ok." I swallowed. "I need this."

The three of us just stared each other down for another moment before Sides pushed in slowly. He moved in fully and gave a series of gentle thrusts moving his length in a circular motion to loosen me.

I shuddered and moaned thrusting back slightly.

He groaned and grabbed one of my hips to help me move better. Sunny grabbed the other hip and pressed himself against my opening.

And then he was sliding in. I winced, it stung a bit. Sides movements coupled with the lubrication coating my apex were making the intrusion easier. He slid all the way in leaving me feeling so full that I doubted either of them could actually move. I certainly felt stretched to my limit.

Of course the twins and I always found a way to make things work, and now was no different. Both drew back in sync and gave a gentle thrust to seat themselves back in my heat. The feel of it made me gasp and arch into them.

They bowed over my chest until both were pressed against me as they started thrusting into me. Sides claimed my lips in a passionate kiss both of us panting and gasping into each other's mouth. Sunny kissed my neck groaning with each thrust of his hips.

I thrust back as best I could feeling the love I felt for them spurring me on. It felt so good. I wanted it to be like this forever. Just them and me after everything that we had to go through to get to this point. Just forget the hell we'd lived through and think only of the now.

Gradually the speed of their thrusts sped up until my hips were being pinned down to the cool wet tile. I moaned and writhed underneath them remembering the last time that we had been together. Only with me as a different femme. As Havoc. It had been just like this. Loving and fast, demanding. Something in my chest tightened as my pleasure spiked higher.

I could feel by body responding, tightening in upcoming release again. The twins must have sensed it too because they pressed harder into me making all three of us cry out. Their attentions became so much more animalistic, hips practically slamming into mine over and over again. Each time driving me closer and closer to another release. And they were on their way too.

Then it all came crashing down around us in a giant wave with one more thrust of their hips into mine. I arched screaming as release hit me hard, my body racking with wave after wave of pleasure.

My twins stiffened and thrust harder with identical snarls of ecstasy as something warm and scalding hot filled me.

We rocked together until the wave subsided and they lay down on either side of me, exhausted. I was gently picked up and spooned between the two, my front to Sides. I nuzzled against his neck, a deep purr resounding from my chest.

I was content to just lay there, basking in their love and adoration.