A

Chapter Thirty-Six

Emma's POV

"About time that boy got around to that!" A voice hollered from across the room as Emma walked through the double doors onto the main floor of Rivergroves.

She couldn't contain her grin as she ran over to join her friend. It had been a week since Emma had seen Sophia waiting for her to join her for breakfast.

Emma blushed, "It wasn't planned. Well, we had talked about it but it wasn't planned." She finished lamely. "You sound…lost."

"I think I am." Sophia grinned half-heartedly.

"I just couldn't bring myself to come here not when everything seemed so pointless, seems." She amended wryly.

"I wish I could just suck up everyone's hurt with some vacuum. The Emotional Vacuum, that's trademark right there." Sophia joked her smile not reaching her eyes. "Weird ass imagery I know sucking all the bad emotions out of people with a vacuum. Who says I don't belong here?"She quipped.

"What's going on?" Emma asked gently knowing that her friend had something she desperately wanted to talk about.

"It's Chaaya. She broke up with this jerk of a guy who basically broke her heart although she is being all strong about it and sometimes… I don't know." Sophia poked at a slice of ham aimlessly with her fork. "Sometimes I wish I could just take her hurt away you know? I mean I can't physically go up and give her a hug. I have this reputation for being cold and stand-offish but it's only because it's so hard to be close to her. Emma, she touches my arm and I can't breathe."

"You should hug her. It would mean so much to her coming from you because you don't show affection like that very much." Emma offered slowly taking a bite of her sandwich.

"Good, eat." Sophia deadpanned. "I hear from some little birdies that you haven't been and that is unacceptable missy." Despite the good-natured twist Sophia was putting on her words Emma found herself feeling guilty.

"Have you ever told her you loved her? I mean, as a friend at least?" Emma asked around a small bite of food.

"Once. I don't remember what we were talking about but I kind of casually slipped it in at the end, kind of like one of those 'for what it's worth, I love you' things. She said it meant a lot to her because I she knows I don't say things like that often. What she doesn't know is that I say those things all the time, every day, always to her, always in my head or emails that I never send." Sophia rolled her eyes. "I have like ten emails addressed to her. She told me that she loved me once. I was having this crap day and it was like those three words coming from her mouth were suddenly magic." Sophia sighed. "I've spilled my soul to her ten times in glorified binary code because all I have to do is click this little button but I can't do it. I can't."

"Don't send an email." Emma replied cautiously hoping she wasn't going to offend. "Not for something you feel so strongly about. It will only downplay how you feel, make it seem less credible no matter how eloquently worded. When you tell her, and you will because someday you will realize that you're tired of hiding, you have to tell her face to face. Don't make it grand," Emma continued trying to ignore Sophia's attempt to cut in, "keep it simple, real."

"Do you watch that show, Glee?" Sophia questioned, her voice sad. "There is a character on there that is in love with another female student and she sang this love song to her saying how she really feels. I know it's stupid and it shouldn't have affected me like it did but I bawled. I've never cried like that watching TV. That girl, she did something I couldn't do and no matter how strong I am about all of this the fact that a fictional character can do that while I can't hurts. It's making me think. Like your ring," she motioned to Emma's hand," I don't know if I would ever get married but if she wanted to I would in a heartbeat. Seeing you get what I want, even if what you want does have different body parts" Sophia chuckled slightly," that hurts too."

Emma felt her heart break for the conflict Sophia was experiencing. She knew first-hand how difficult it was to keep how you truly felt from someone because you were afraid of losing them as a friend.

"I do watch Glee and I thought of you during that scene. You need to tell her Sophia. You can't keep letting it chip away at you like this. Just in the last few weeks you have admitted to thinking about it more. It's affecting your work and even though I don't know you well I know that is something you usually wouldn't stand for. You're efficient. What's going on right now, this is the antithesis of efficient." Emma spoke softly so they would garner no eavesdroppers.

"Just tell her. If she is the friend you claim she is she will not run away from you. Things might be awkward if she doesn't feel the same way for a while but in the end you will feel so much better. Trust me, I know. I've told Will things recently that I haven't ever told anyone and even though it made me feel embarrassed that he knew it ultimately felt like a weight had been lifted. Time really does heal all wounds, not completely but it creates a pretty hardcore scab. I always thought people were crazy saying that but after everything I went through with my mom's death I'm starting to believe it.

"Maybe," Sophia agreed, "but I still think those people are full of shit. I'll exclude the shit part with you because I like you." She grinned taking a bite of the ham that was riddled with holes from a vindictive fork.

Emma looked up to see Dr. Wicker making his way towards their table. It was time for a group therapy session with Will. He would be walking through the doors at any minute. She didn't have much time and she didn't want to let the moment slide by.

"Tell her." Emma stood up and pushed her chair in. "Tell her before it's too late and you spend the rest of your life regretting what you didn't do. She deserves to know Sophia. She deserves to know why you cut yourself out of her life for a year and a half. No matter how hard it is for you, you owe her that much. Tell her." She repeated again knowing that there was nothing more she could say to the woman, that Sophia now had to make the choice on her own hoping that eventually she would make the one that was right for her.

"Hey there." Emma turned to find Will standing behind her.

"Hey. You ready?" She asked.

"I think so." He answered honestly following her into a session both of them knew wasn't going to be easy.

"Emma," Dr. Wicker began carefully. "I think it's important you talk about what happened that day in the park. I know this won't be easy and it's up to you if you want Will to stay or not."

"Is this going to help anything?" Emma asked anxiously feeling like she was in an interrogation chamber with no way out.

"I think it will help us," Dr. Wicker motioned to himself and Will, "and you understand a little better."

Emma looked down at their intertwined hands tightening her grip silently asking him not to leave. Will returned the gesture quietly agreeing the warmth of his touch cementing her confidence to speak.

"It started out as just talking. He asked about my job at McKinley but never wanted to hear about Will. He brought up this song we had worked on for over a year when I had been in high school and touched my arm. That should have been my first clue I guess." Emma looked first from Dr. Wicker then to Will. "I was just so desperate to believe that everything was a misunderstanding. It all just went downhill after that."

"How so?" Dr. Wicker questioned her softly.

"He scooted closer saying he couldn't hear me over the wind and again I pushed away my discomfort still trying to convince myself he was the man I thought he was. How stupid could I get? Finally he brought up the emails and somehow I worked up the guts, or the stupidity, "Emma amended, "to ask him what had been going on. He told me it had been harmless, that he was only trying to prove that I was desirable. I believed him." She snorted." He said it was harmless and I believed him. What mentor tries to make their student feel desirable?" Will's hands tensed in hers. This time she knew he hadn't been trying to comfort her.

"When he told me that he liked me I said the same back." Emma looked up at Will trying to ignore the pain etched in his features. "I don't think I've told you that. I told him I had a crush on him too. I can't believe I did that, felt that."

"You've never really talked about anything that happened. Not like this." Will's voice wavered slightly as he spoke."I've never pressed."

Dr. Wicker interjected saying that given everything that had been going on in her life at the time her reaction to Gate's attention was normal. His words mirrored Will's in their meaning but neither set made her feel any less disgusted with herself.

"I can still feel his mouth against mine. Rough, insistent and demanding. He held me in place with a hand on my back, another up my shirt. He said he wanted to feel me against him, that my skin was soft." Emma spat the word and lowered her head suddenly embarrassed.

"I kissed him back. I kissed him back so I could call Will." She removed her hand wiping frantically at tears while trying to ignore the unsuccessful attempts of the man next to her to remain composed.

"He forced me against a tree, pressed his body-"Emma broke away when she caught sight of Will shifting restlessly.

"I'm sorry." he choked out placing one hand on her shoulder in a reassuring squeeze as he stood up trying and failing to beat his tears to the door.

Emma got up to follow stopped by the sound of Dr. Wicker's voice telling her to let him go.

Will's POV

Will leaned heavily against the wall just to the left of Dr. Wicker's office door staring at the ceiling his jaw and fists clenched while he struggled to reign in his emotions.

He felt like Emma. Unable to accurately identify what he was feeling the answer lying somewhere on the spectrum between anger over events he could not change and despair that they needed to be changed in the first place. Hastily he shifted his weight from foot to foot he couldn't afford to be standing on the sidelines while Emma discussed such an integral component of their relationship. Will drew in a ragged breath squaring his shoulders as he reached for the door jumping when the handle turned seconds before he touched it the door opening to let a worried Emma slip out.

"Hey." She started awkwardly still lightly gripping the doorknob in one hand.

"Hey." Will replied in kind. "I'm sorry about that. I thought I could handle it." He tried to smile but never felt it reach his lips.

"It's okay." Emma silenced him her voice caring and sympathetic, comforting. "Dr. Wicker wants me to contact the church he's working at back in Virginia. I don't know Will." She answered before he could question her eyes dropping to the floor in defeat. "I don't know if I want anyone to read them. It's embarrassing. I don't want people to think I was stupid or that I led him on."

"They're not going to think either of those things Emma. Trust me. You were young enough that you will not be held accountable for anything." He assured her.

Will pushed away from the wall moving so that he was inches away from her and gently snatched her hand up between one of his. "It's the right thing to do. He has access to children right now Em."

"I know." She whispered.

Watery eyes found his and she pulled her hand away dabbing at a stubborn tear with her index finger. "This is all so messed up Will. I feel like some huge chunk of my life, a time that I always looked back on with fondness has turned on me. I trusted him. I felt privileged to know him. His wife always looked so tired." Emma said her eyes clouding over."Not the kind of tired like she didn't get any sleep but that bone-deep tired that just permeates everything. I trusted him." She repeated again.

"I know." It was his turn to speak softly as he brushed a loose strand of hair from her face. "C'mere, it'll be okay." he abandoned his search for more adequate words in favor of wrapping his arms around her tightly and placing a kiss to the top of her head.

Emma's POV

Emma stared at the tiny, light blue pill that rested in the palm of her hand. She was officially a TV commercial. Dr. Wicker had quizzed her about her experience on the Risperdal after Will had gone home and had decided to place her on Abilify. Emma wasn't sure why she had actually allowed herself to believe she might not be put on anything else. It was clear she needed something. Just in the time she had been off the of Risperdal her hand had started to lock up, an odd reaction Dr. Wicker billed as psychosomatic which only left Emma feeling more crazy. She had always thought psychosomatic symptoms were laughable and refused to believe him.

Throughout the stints in her life where she had been medicated she had always mindlessly taken them. The closest she had ever come to inquiring anything about how whatever they were giving her worked was on her most recent trip to the psych ward and that was only because of our knowledge of psychopharmacology.

All the knowledge in the world wasn't going to make this any easier. In fact, she wished she didn't have her psychology professors' voice floating throughout her mind saying how they thought the pills worked. The truth was they didn't know how they were going to work on a given person or even how they really worked in the brain and half the time they ended up being able to use one med for a variety of disorders hence the abundance of Prozac.

The medication worked on a neurotransmitter that was implicated in eating disorders for females and suicide for males. Nicknamed the "self-destructive" chemical Serotonin played a key role in many disorders. Prozac was the first class of Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor and like many of the medications in use was discovered by accident. Not many people knew that nine times out of ten what they were taking was developed for an entirely different reason. Viagra had been originally developed as a heart medication, Thorazine as a general antiseptic.

Sometimes Emma felt like she knew too much. For just a moment, just long enough to take the pill she wished she was operating with the working knowledge of the majority of the population.

"You have to take it." Will appeared at her side reaching into a cupboard for a glass and filling it with water.

"It's horrible to know that if I don't take this," Emma waved the pill in the air, "I will go insane. My brain will start firing too fast. I will get paranoid. The voice and OCD will get worse. I'm worried Will. I never used to care but now I know first-hand what this could do to me. I don't want to go through that again."

"Would you rather go through everything else?" He asked gently.

"Sometimes. At least when I'm manic, hypomanic, "She corrected, "I get things done. I'm productive. Taking this med will just…"Emma trailed off.

"Bring back down to the level of mere mortals?" Will questioned with a smile. "Really Em, when you're like that I feel like a snail."

"Really?" Emma asked creasing her brow in confusion. She had never thought of how someone else perceived her when she was hypomanic. "What am I like?"

"You're all over the place Emma. Literally. You can't sit still. You can't stay on focused on one topic when you speak and you clean everything. You shampooed the carpet twice in a week once." He grinned shaking his head. "That's not you Emma. This, this woman right here who can actually hold a conversation, this is you. Besides," Emma listened as he switched angles, "I know enough about Bipolar Type II now to know that there is a better chance you will become depressed if you stop taking meds. I don't think you realize just how bad you were when I took you in." He said softly. "It was bad Em. I don't want you to end up there again. So, take the pill and then we can go pretend to watch your movie and forget all about it. I don't know why you want to watch something scary." Will picked up the glass of water and handed it to her smiling as she tossed the pill into her mouth and took a drink.

Will's POV

His entire body was tense as he sat next to Emma on the couch everything in his immediate environment fading due to his proximity with her. She was pressed up against his side quietly watching the images he could no longer discern flicker across the TV. His shoulder had become her designated pillow the instant they had sat down her arms locked around one of his in a death grip their owner anticipating the scary moment the music was building to.

Will chuckled softly when she jumped and snuggled closer now half in his lap. Her head was buried in his chest, her fingers twisted in his shirt, the smell of strawberry shampoo overwhelming. Gently, with his free hand Will tucked some of her hair behind her ear and placed a small kiss on the expanse of skin the action afforded him. Emma shivered but didn't move.

He continued to place languid kisses down the side of her neck, up her jaw his face hovering inches from hers waiting for her to make the next move. Slowly her head turned and her lips parted silently asking for the kiss he was more than ready to give.

It had been a long time since they had done anything more than make out but Will wasn't going to push her especially with everything they had discussed today. Emma moaned softly into his mouth causing his eyes to slide closed as she moved to so that she was straddling him her tongue still tangled with his.

Her kisses were slow and loving as her hands slid underneath his shirt splaying out across his chest, fingernails trailing lightly across his skin leaving goose bumps in their wake. This time he was the one who moaned shifting downwards so that he was lying on his back, Emma stretched out on top of him, her lower half pressed delisciously against his. He forced himself to hold still despite the desperate urge to grind against her.

Carefully he brought his hands up to the top button on her shirt.

"Can I?" He whispered into her ear.

Earning a small nod of approval he slowly began undoing the buttons until he was able to slide her shirt off leaving her clad only in a white cotton bra. His heart broke as Emma froze the second his fingers graced the front of the material.

"You still don't see it." He murmured. "I'll keep telling you until you believe me Emma. You're beautiful."

He couldn't see her face but he knew she was blushing as his hands traveled down her sides coming to rest on her stomach. Emma's hand latched onto his wrist trying to move his hand somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't her stomach.

Despite constant reassurances that she wasn't getting fat she still had severe hang ups about certain portions of her body. They had significantly lessened throughout her treatment at Rivergroves however. Before she would have jumped off the couch or shut down completely. Still, he didn't like to make her too uncomfortable so he removed his hand cupping the side of her face.

"Someday you'll see it Em." He repeated a slightly altered variation on the words he had spoken to her that day in front of the mirror. "Until then you will just have to trust me."

He studied her body in the faint glow of light streaming into the room from the kitchen. This was the first time he had ever truly had the chance to look at her since she had started gaining weight. The difference was noticeable even to him. When he ran his hands over her shoulders her shoulder blades didn't stick into his palms and her collar bone was not as prominent as it once had been. Sliding his hands down her torso he noticed that he could no longer feel each individual rib. Will smiled as he initiated another kiss rejoicing in the tangible evidence that she was getting better. It still had her mind to some extent but she was regaining her body.

Will hadn't realized how long he had been staring but he knew it had cost them the mood when Emma reached across him for the shirt that lay discarded on the ground. Silently he helped her with the buttons sitting them both upright whispering that it was okay when she told him she was sorry.

He couldn't fathom how difficult this must be for her. The gentle motion of her hips against his as she had kissed him told him how badly she wanted this. Her problem with body image was strong enough to override one of the most primal of human behaviors. Desire and fear had warred in her eyes as he had unbuttoned her shirt the former winning out until he had taken too long examining her body.

If it was frustrating for him it must be maddening for her. He only wanted to show her how wonderful she was. Until that someday rolled around or she finally gave in to what she really wanted it was going to be stop and go he had a feeling.

"Will?" Emma asked quietly her breath crashing against his neck."We were supposed to make this list of things we are afraid of and read it to someone. I finally made mine. Can I read it to you?"

"Of course." Will settled against the back of the couch pulling Emma up to rest against his surprised when she didn't produce a piece of paper from somewhere but just started talking her voice slow and even like she had practiced.

"If I weren't afraid I would try and be that person I always wanted to be without holding myself back like I usually do. I would go back to school and get a Ph.D. in Psychology and work with people with eating disorders." Emma paused taking a breath. "I would write a book about what my struggle has been like even if no one bought it. I would burn those emails. I would let you make love to me." She spoke slowly the words reverberating in his mind until the next ones swallowed them up. "If I weren't afraid I would visit my mother's grave and read her the letter I wrote to her." Her voice trailed off as she grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch as though she were physically barricading herself off from her insecurities.

"What would you do if you weren't afraid Will?"

Will thought for a moment trying to find the right words.

"I would audition on Broadway." He laughed slightly. "I would show a dog and get to Westminster and not care that I was up against the professionals. I would speak out about eating disorders I think. Try to educate someone, anyone. I would make love to you." He purposefully saved his most personal confession for last.

"You're afraid to?" Emma turned to face him.

"Not so much afraid." Will ran his fingers through her hair. "More like hyper aware of making you uncomfortable. Sort of like what I just did a few minutes ago." He admitted softly.

"That's not your fault Will. Don't ever think that please. That day you talked to me in front of the mirror. That," Emma paused her mouth half-open with unspoken thoughts, "That was so crazy sweet. Crazy because I was having a crazy moment and sweet because it was so heartfelt, so believable."

"Telling the truth is pretty easy Em." Will raised his head depositing a chaste kiss on her lips. "You're all those things."

"I want you." Emma blurted her eyes widening giving away that she hadn't meant to speak out loud. "Oh gosh, I didn't mean to say that." Emma covered cried covering her face with her hands.

"It's okay. I want you too." Will felt a surge of gratitude towards all of the therapy Emma had been to, that he had been to that had gotten them used to talking.

Gently he placed his lips against hers his tongue pressing against her mouth moaning his thanks when Emma granted him access.

A soft thud sounded from the floor. Will peered over his shoulder to see Moritz sitting with his leash at his feet.

"I knew I was going to regret teaching him that." Will complained both to the dog and the woman on top of him. "Moritz if we had a dog house you'd be sleeping in it tonight."

"Just take him outside." Emma laughed. "It's better than the alternative."

Emma's POV

Emma sat on the corner of the cement porch watching Will walk in small circles with Moritz waiting for him to go potty. It had never occurred to her that Will was afraid of intimacy. She had always assumed he had held back because of her and indirectly, she supposed, it was because of her. Her fear. Not having much experience with men she had told herself long ago that Will probably was imagining everything they could be doing while taking things slow but his confession minutes earlier had blown that theory out of the water.

Grinning at Will's goofy antics when the dog finally decided to pee Emma thought back to her therapy session with Dr. Wicker, to how Will had walked out. Another thing she hadn't been aware of. It had been obvious for a long time to her that he blamed himself for that day in the park but she hadn't realized just how much it hurt him to hear about it. It had affected him today just much as it had her. Dr. Wicker was right. She did feel as though some sort of weight she hadn't known existed had been lifted from her shoulders. The only thing left was the emails still stashed away safely in a green folder waiting on her decision.

Gates had taken something from her even though he hadn't taken everything he could have. He had greatly bruised her trust and for that Emma was starting to despise him. The hatred was new and unsettling. Up until now she had gone from denial to a sort of indifferent acceptance. Now she wanted him out of her life. He never would truly be gone. Some of his advice she still lived by daily, unable to break the habit that had formed over so many years. It was still good advice. Good advice from a bad source. Bad sources were everywhere. As long as one was aware they were not reliable they couldn't be sucked in. Determined to continue her path towards being a healthy adult Emma stood up and marched back inside running up the stairs and across the apartment to her closet.

Underneath three shoe boxes full of high school memorabilia was the folder she was looking for. Her breathing slowed as she grabbed it sliding it out carefully like it might turn to dust in her hands.

"I trusted you." Emma's voice broke over the three words. "You fucking bastard. I trusted you."

Will's hand appeared on her shoulder this time the gentle squeeze became a hug as he pulled her against him.

"What are you doing?" He whispered against her skin.

"I need an envelope." Emma turned to face him catching the glint of understand in his eyes.

Together they went downstairs Emma never once loosening her vice-like grip on the folder that contained a section of her life she would always question. Will handed her a manila envelope that she addressed to her old church in Virginia. She didn't start talking until they were walking towards the city mailbox a few blocks away.

"If I hadn't stumbled across these," Emma held the folder up, "I would have remained completely clueless. I also wouldn't have experienced that day in the park but maybe it was worth it. If these emails help even one person not be taken advantage of by him then it was worth it although a small part of me is still in denial I think. How messed up is that?"

"Emma, he was a huge part of your life through your most influential years. Anybody would be trying to hang on to something like that. I would." He reasoned.

Walking the rest of the way in silence Emma came to a stop in front of the mailbox slowly pushing the envelope underneath the hinged door. She held her hand there for a while unwilling to let go suddenly doubting what she was doing.

"You've come this far." Will coaxed.

Emma squeezed her eyes closed tight and opened her hand relaxing only when she heard the package hit the bottom.

Opening her eyes she stepped backwards still facing the mailbox."You can't hurt me anymore." Emma told both the letters and Gates Will's hand finding hers as she turned her back on the friendship she had once held so dear.

"I'm proud of you." Will spoke softly into the evening air exchanging his grip on her hand for an arm about her waist. "What are you going to do when they come back? Dr. Wicker said they would be sent back."

Emma didn't need any time to think of her answer. "Burn them. I'm going to burn them."

A/N: Thoughts, please.