Argh! Life is a mean cause of writers block! Be forewarned I've not got the highest belief in this chapter, so if it fails, please tell me, and please feel free to tell me what you would like to see happen (aside from Owen and Ianto making up, Jack and Ianto making up, Michaela and Ianto making up and Michaela dying –yup that's come up again!). I'm curious to see what you think will happen. I have it all planned out, but I'm always interested to see what you think will happen.

This chapter has not been beta-ed either, to add to my nerves.

I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 33

(21st September 2008)

Ianto was able to get an umbrella from the Tourist Office, which had begun to gather dust, and walked home in the pouring rain. He didn't feel like trying to get a lift off of Gwen or Tosh and he couldn't even really look at Jack at the moment. He shook the droplets off himself and dumped his umbrella and suit jacket by the door, and kicked off his shoes.

He went through the kitchen, released the rabbits and made himself some hot chocolate. It was only six, but he was exhausted, in every way. Señor sniffed around his feet, and Bart bullied Señor away so Bart could stretch across Ianto's feet like a cat would.

Ianto watched them, feeling utterly undeserving of their affection and trust. He hadn't felt this crap in years. He was the lowest of the low, he really was.

It hadn't been for him.

Michaela hadn't been in the house long, just over a week, but the house felt quiet and empty without her. Ianto pulled a face at himself. God he'd fucked up big time now. And he was worried. Where could she have gone? She had to still be in the city, but the idea of her alone in Cardiff made his whole body shiver with anxious fear. Now if he could only have said that when she'd told him about the policeman and the coffee, at least that would have sounded somewhat concerned, if paranoid. But no, he had to be a prick and say the one thing he promised never to say. In fact, he'd promised her twice! Once when they agreed to be together and then a second time after the trial.

Finishing the hot chocolate, and nudging Bart off his feet, Ianto reached out and grabbed Señor Fluffles and lifted him up with a loud grunt.

"C'mon Bart." he called, staggering his way under Señor's weight through the hall and up the stairs. Bart scrambled after him, hauling his way up the stairs, one at a time. Ianto paused outside Michaela's room, and then pushed it open, staring inside. It looked so empty. Setting Señor down, Ianto moved into the room, the rabbits following. He sat on the bed and picked up the pillow. He pressed his nose against the cover and inhaled the appley scent of Michaela that was there. Swallowing hard, Ianto tucked it under his chin and stared into space, wishing he could take the words back. Unbidden and unwanted, his mind brought forth the day he'd made his second, more significant promise.

(3rd March 2003)

It was dark outside, a big storm was rolling into Glasgow, with a high chance the roads would flood and for that reason, Ianto was staying in Torchwood House. It was not for anything else, especially not sex. He'd had to pretty much state it openly to convince Michaela, the girl he was starting to call his girlfriend, in his head at least, that it was better to let him stay.

Michaela was having a bad day. She had good days, and bad days, much like Ianto himself. Sometimes she could be completely at ease with him and put her arms around his neck, even give him full on kisses on the mouth if she was excited enough. But there were days where she was anxious and nervous about everything, her self confidence lost in the gutter somewhere and she couldn't let Ianto touch her. Ianto did not like those days, and unfortunately, today was one of them. Ianto had come up behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders and pressed his lips to the back of her neck, and she'd jumped and dropped her cup of tea. Ianto had made her sit on the table holding Dubhtach in her arms so she could calm down and the puppy wouldn't step on any of the pieces of china while he swept up.

Puppy may have been a bad word for Dubhtach thought Ianto as he lay on the floor, with Dubhtach lying next to him. She was already twice the size she'd been when Ianto had met her, and was still growing. Ianto was starting to see why her breed was nicknamed 'little horses'.

Dubhtach wagged her tail as Ianto scratched her behind the ears, on his other side, Michaela was lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. She was preoccupied, and he hadn't been able to get the exact reason, although he'd heard Archie telling her off earlier and was rather sure that was a strong factor.

"So… are we gonna do anything tonight?" Ianto asked glibly as a silence stretched between them. Michaela gave him a sharp look, "I didn't mean anything like that. I just meant… an activity of some kind besides staring at the ceiling."

Michaela stared at him, then sat up sharply, grabbing a cushion from the couch next to them and hugging it.

"I'm sorry, I've just got… stuff on my mind."

"Like what?"

She shrugged, picking at her nails, "Just stuff."

Ianto sat up, letting Dubhtach half climb into his lap as she licked his face. "You can tell me." He was so bored he didn't really care what it was, and besides, he didn't like her depressed.

Michaela dawdled, pursing her lips and looking around the room, rocking back and forth on her bum as she tried to find the words. Finally,

"It's… a lot of things. Archie's annoyed with me for defending this guy down in Cardiff's branch, but I dunno, he's just starting out with being in charge, and everyone makes mistakes, yeah? And… and I still can't get what Blaine said out of my head. You know, at the trial."

Blaine's trial had been a month ago, and Ianto had to admit he had been as anxious and nervous as Michaela had been, but she'd been scared of coming face to face with Blaine, while Ianto had just been terrified of talking to the jury and judge about what had happened the night he'd interfered.

It hadn't taken long to find Blaine guilty, because of all the evidence Michaela had given, in horrific detail, and the physical evidence from the night. Ianto had been enraged by the sentence though. Eight measly years in prison, and that wasn't including good behaviour. It could be less than five if the bastard behaved himself.

As Blaine had been taken away, he'd suddenly turned to glare at Michaela and had said, in a calm, creepy voice,

"Doesn't matter how long I'm in there, you'll be mine again when I get out. You'll always be my whore! Always!"

Michaela had kept it together until he was out of the room and had then thrown up all over Archie's shoes.

"Don't you listen to him! He's not going to touch you again." said Ianto sharply, returning to the present. Michaela nodded, but she didn't look convinced.

"It was what he said, not that he said it, y'know?"

"You mean calling you a whore? If you're a whore I'm the fucking Pope!"

"No, not that… I mean, that did bother me, but I was more thinking about… he said I was his."

"You're not."

"I don't want to belong to anyone." she murmured, still hugging the pillow.

"You won't." said Ianto, wanting to touch her in reassurance, but not willing to risk it when she was so jumpy. So he scratched under Dubhtach's chin instead.

Michaela swallowed, she hadn't met Ianto's eyes throughout the conversation. "You called me yours."

"Eh? No I didn't!"

"You called me your girlfriend."

"Wha- No I –oh…" Ianto felt the colour flooding his cheeks. He'd been on the phone to his boss, who'd wanted him for the evening shift, and Ianto had had to explain why he wasn't able to. He had used the word girlfriend, but he'd thought she was in the bathroom. "I just… I mean I know we haven't really dated or anything, but I-"

"It's not the word girlfriend, it's the my before it." Michaela said, digging the ball of her socked foot into the carpet, looking uncomfortable. "I just… I don't want to be anyone's anything right now."

"So… I can't call you my friend?"

"We are friends, we're probably more than that. I never let my friends grope my breasts, even before Blaine shattered my confidence." She gave a small, self-deprecatory smile, "But I just… I can't be anyone's girlfriend, or lover, or… or anything like that. I can't let anyone claim me like that again, I just can't."

Ianto saw the pain on her face, and he recognised it in his own when ever anyone called him 'son' or 'boy'. He shifted so he was sitting side by side with her, and said softly,

"When we agreed to try to be together, you told me to promise never to claim you. I promised then and I'm promising now. I'll never claim you. I won't ever try to own you."

Michaela looked up and she gave him a small, proper smile, and squeezed his hand, then let him lace their fingers. "I know you won't. I trust you."

(21st September 2008)

'I trust you.'

She'd trusted him never to say those words to her. One single bloody statement he was never supposed to utter and he'd gone and done it. If she never forgave him it would be too soon.

Ianto buried his head in his hands, willing both Michaela and Jack to vacate his mind. He couldn't think about either of them. He just couldn't.

With a soft whimper, he got to his feet and hurried into his own bedroom. He stripped down to his pants and then climbed into his bed and curled up, holding Señor to his chest. Señor sniffed at Ianto's hair, as Ianto leaned over the edge of the bed and scooped the tiny Bart up into his hand, setting him on the bed next to Señor. As he lay on his back, Señor stuck his nose in Ianto's ear. It tickled and got a hiccupping giggle out of him, which he quickly repressed. He'd no business laughing.

It hadn't been for him.

Bart sniffed at the sheets, nipped at them with his teeth, scratched them with his trimmed nails, then looked up at Ianto. Ianto watched him, idly stroking Señor's back. Then Bart seemed to back up a little, flattened his ears and then took a flying leap into the air.

"Oaf! Bart!" gasped Ianto as the little rabbit belly-flopped onto Ianto's stomach, knocking the air out of him. Bart stretched himself out across Ianto's stomach and stared at him in an 'what are you gonna do about it?' expression. Ianto's lips spread into a small smile and he petted Bart's head. Señor took his nose out of Ianto's ear and settled in the snug space between Ianto's body and his arm. Ianto sighed and rested a hand on each of the rabbits' backs. At least he hadn't managed to drive these two away.

Ianto closed his eyes, sure he would not be able to sleep, but when he opened his eyes again, he was bewildered by the light that was seeping into his room through the curtain material. At some point during the night, Ianto had rolled onto his front, his arms stretched out to the other side of the bed, searching for a warm body. Whose he was searching for was a question he was not answering. Bart was now resting on the small of his back, but Ianto didn't realise this until he started to roll over and heard a soft thump of something landing on the floor.

Bart gave Ianto a disgusted look and lopped out of the room, nose in the air. Señor emerged from the sheets looking bleary eyed and dazed as he searched belatedly for the source of the noise. Ianto watched him, and smiled as he recalled how dazed Jack could be after a proper night's sleep. Then the smile faded and he sat up, hugging his knees as he recalled just why he was sleeping with his rabbits and why he felt so crap.

As he glanced at the glowing curtains, Ianto wondered what the hell he was meant to do today. He was alone, the team was a wreck because of him, he'd hurt Jack, and he'd hurt Michaela, and Owen and he were no closer to a resolution and Ianto still didn't know what resolution he wanted.

Suddenly, all he wanted to do was curl up under the covers and not emerge until something happened in the stagnating pool of piss that was his life. But that would make him the shit of the pool and he couldn't stand to be that. No, he would get up, get dressed and do something, even if it was just trailing the streets trying to track Michaela down.

It hadn't been for him.

He showered and began to dress, giving a start of surprise when he realised he'd been pulling on a suit automatically. He thought about changing again, but the suit felt good on him. It made him feel like maybe he wasn't a complete arse.

He put the rabbits away, having to chase Bart, who was still miffed, around the sitting room several times before he could catch him and put him away with Señor. Then he gathered his phone, his wallet, his keys and was out the door with absolutely no idea where he was going.

Ianto decided to go to the Plass and try and guess where Michaela could have gone from there. He didn't want to admit that it was pointless as she would have gone somewhere from his house after she gathered all her things.

The Plass's was still dark with dampness after all the rain from yesterday and the night before. There was the sound of water flowing into gutters and into the Bay, and the Water Tower seemed to be pouring water down its own sides faster than usual. There were people hurrying to work and for the first time in a while, Ianto wished he was going to work. He missed working, even if it was only making coffee and filing reports. At least it allowed him to feel useful instead of worthless.

The minute that thought hit him he shook his head, and inwardly scolded himself for being self-pitying. He rolled his sleeves up and rested his forearms on the railing around the Bay, staring out at the calm waters, and wishing he knew what to do.

All the anger, all the hurt, was giving way to total guilt. He still hated what Jack and Owen had done, but now he couldn't hold it against them for what he'd done.

It hadn't been for him.

Ianto closed his eyes, liking the feel of the soft breeze on his freshly shaven face. And, as soon as he did, his mind began to torment him

-tears in her green eyes, she can't look at him, even as her hand rests on the back of his neck and squeezes to encourage him to keep going. He moves his hips again, certain if he moves wrong he's going to hurt her more-

-soft moans escape her sultry mouth, her back is arched. He can't take his eyes off the contrast of her gorgeous, chocolate dark skin against his white skin. Her hair is a curtain across the pillow-

-the freedom, the delight, the realisation that it is something he can want and enjoy. The feeling of his hands holding him with care, not roughness, the feeling of release rising up ever higher, the deeper he goes. He's pushing away every bad time, every bitter, twisted fuck. He's going to, oh!-

-resting his head on her chest, liking the cushioning of her breasts under his ear, enjoying the feeling of her hips in his hands, the soft skin, liking how they match they're both so pale. He presses his lips to the curve of the left one, peeping up at her, and she laughs, to his delight, teasing him for looking so innocent.-

-holding her hand, kissing it, feeding her pieces of food from his plate. No one else exists, the world falls away. Her foot is teasing his, rubbing at the arch where he's ticklish. He blushes, wishing he was more astute at this for her-

-a hand on the small of his back. Means so much, says so little. He shouldn't want this. He shouldn't want him. It's the very thing he's been running from, he doesn't want –he can't want –what's the matter with him?-

"Ianto!"

Ianto jumped. At some point he'd covered his eyes with his hands and had begun to breathe heavily, as he tried to repress sobs. He lowered them and realised it was beginning to rain again. Looking to his left, he was surprised to see Gwen next to him, staring at him carefully.

"Gwen."

"Hey." her voice was soft, like she was avoiding raising it. "How're you doing?"

"I…" Ianto couldn't even begin to answer that.

"Yeah." drawled Gwen, as if understanding what his silence meant. She curled her fingers around the railing, straightening her arms and leaning back on her heels. Her face was scrunched a little against the wind that was blowing her forever free hair in every direction.

"Did Jack send you out here to make sure I don't jump?"

"No. I came out here because I thought I should talk to you."

Ianto closed his eyes. He did love Gwen, but if she tried to give him a speech he was going to walk away.

"I think you should talk to Tosh."

Ianto's eyes snapped open, "Huh?"

"I think you should talk to her. Something's really bothering her, and she won't talk to me. You're her friend, her best friend here, yeah? So maybe you can help her. It's bad enough you, Owen and Jack are all in a snit with each other, right when we should be sticking together but Tosh doesn't deserve to be hurting too."

Ianto swallowed. He knew exactly why Tosh was upset, but he wasn't sure what he could do to help soothe her fears. He was still sure that Michaela would keep them from getting in trouble with UNIT but if she didn't and Ianto promised Tosh everything would be fine, it would hurt her all the more.

Heaving a deep sigh, Ianto turned away from the railings, looking up at the Water Tower. He wasn't sure if he was only thinking that to avoid having to go into that Hub and facing Jack. If he was he was being selfish again, because Tosh did not deserve any of the pain she was feeling. And Ianto had always wanted to make her life better, not worse.

"Ok. Let's go." he said decisively. Gwen gave a start. Clearly she hadn't expected it to be that easy.

"Uh –right! Ok, let's go."

Together they walked across the Plass and down to the Tourist Office. Gwen went inside first, tossing her hair out of her face and hitting Ianto in the face as she did. Ianto said nothing, too busy trying to figure out how to talk to Tosh. The ride in the lift was quiet, until it came to a stop. Gwen put her hand on his arm, making him pause.

"Ianto… Look, I'm not gonna pretend I get what in God's name goes on in your head. I never have understood how your mind works. But I'm telling you now, sort yourself out, because this team is falling apart and as much as I'm sure you didn't mean it, you're the one behind most of it."

It was on the tip of Ianto's tongue to make a snide remark about how Gwen sorted herself out by shagging Owen, but he held it back. He'd never once made any show of his opinion of her for what she'd done. But Ianto had lost a fair bit of respect for her when he figured it out, because he felt if you had someone who loved you, then hurting them, cheating on them, made you a low life. But, seeing as he currently was one, he said nothing. A nod was his only reply.

Gwen nodded as if satisfied and then strode in front of him as the cog wheel rolled away and they entered the Main Hub. Gwen quickly moved up to her own desk, on the left of Tosh, leaving Ianto in a near direct line for her.

Ianto glanced around. He could hear Owen in the Autopsy Bay, but he couldn't see or hear Jack anywhere. Tosh hadn't looked at him yet. But Ianto was sure she knew he was there. Gwen gave him an insistent look. But Ianto was not going to rush this to please her. This was now strictly between him and Tosh.

Tosh looked haggard, like she hadn't slept well in days. Dark semi-circles marked the skin under her eyes and she looked pale and drawn. Her fingers were flying across the keyboard, all her attention on the computer screen. Ianto gulped, his stomach twisting as he slowly approached the stairs and climbed them. He stopped just near her station, waiting. Tosh finished a long line of code, then pulled off her glasses and turned her chair to meet his eyes.

Betrayal was the first emotion that Ianto saw in her eyes. The gnawing guilt seemed to double in size. Ianto resisted the urge to fidget.

"Hi Tosh."

She said nothing, only stared at him, waiting. Ianto sighed, knowing he had to face up to his own mistakes. "Can we talk? I mean, privately. Please."

Tosh stared at him for a whole minute. Owen, still pottering around in the Autopsy Bay let out a swear about 'alien gonads'. Then Tosh reached out and picked up her purse.

"Let's get a coffee."

Ianto felt relief roll through his body, as he nodded, almost eagerly.

"Ok!"

His eagerness earned a faint, almost amused smile on Tosh's face as she got to her feet and put on her coat. She glanced at Gwen who nodded. She turned to face Ianto who tried to look… friendly?

"Come on then."

They took the Invisible Lift, hurrying across the Plass to a nearby café. Ianto bought them both lattes and they sat in a corner. Ianto cupped the mug in his hands and stared at it. He hadn't a clue how to start this conversation. Was saying sorry jumping the gun?

Tosh was no help. She was waiting for him to say the first words. Well, they were the only ones he could think of, so he said,

"I'm sorry."

Tosh did not react at all. Ianto swallowed and pressed on,

"I'm sorry about what this review has put you through, but I promise you, I never meant for it to happen. None of this was meant to happen."

Tosh still said nothing. Ianto fumbled to explain himself,

"I just wanted Michaela to help me get out of the Hub. Under Archie's authority she could have overruled Jack's decision to keep me there. She wasn't meant to do the review, it wasn't even her idea. It was Archie's. Look, I know how bad it must have been for you and I know how scared you probably are about the idea of going… going back there. And I'm sorry, Tosh, I really am sorry for all of it. I know I've fucked up really badly here. But believe me, I know that Michaela's gonna do everything she can to save you."

That he was sure of. Michaela may have been furious with him but she had a strong respect and admiration for Tosh and would not let her get sent back to UNIT.

Tosh said nothing still for a whole three minutes. Ianto did not know what more to say. Finally, Toshiko said in a soft voice,

"Why the sudden change of heart? Why do you suddenly feel the need to apologise?"

Ianto tried to swallow, but his mouth was very dry. He had no idea how to explain this to her. But he owed it to her to try.

"I… Something Jack said… it made me realise that… even though I have a right to be angry with them for what they did, I can't be angry about why they did it. Because it wasn't for me."

"I don't understand."

"… I'm not sure it's my place to explain Jack's motives –which I know sounds ridiculous all things considered, but it was a very personal reason… and it wasn't to do with me."

Tosh frowned, her latte forgotten. Ianto pressed on, "I realised that, because it wasn't for me… there was no need to do what I did. So… I guess I've realised that Jack and Owen didn't make me the monster I became by what I did. I made myself that monster."

"Oh for heaven's sake!" snapped Tosh, "You are not a monster, and it was never about your right to punish him being greater than theirs. You were angry because felt humiliated because Jack and Owen knew about what happened to you, what he did to you. Because you're ashamed of it."

"Of course I am! How else should I feel?" demanded Ianto, trying to keep his voice and his temper down.

"That's understandable, but you made up this whole idea to satisfy your need for power and control that only you could punish that man, that his existence and his life was in your hands at all times. As if you could control the free will of others! And when Jack and Owen proved you couldn't control them and Ivor Jones, you took the most extreme action you could think of and you became angry because you'd always considered yourself magnanimous in restraining yourself."

Ianto looked away, feeling worse than ever. Tosh's words had a horrible ring of truth. But he didn't want to be that bad of a person. He did want to be a good person.

Tosh suddenly touched his hand. Ianto nearly jumped. Tosh sighed,

"Ianto, you are a good person. I'd like to think that I know you, even if you wouldn't share your secrets with me like I shared with you-"

"Your secret showed how brave you are. Mine… mine just shows how pathetic I am."

"Surviving that kind of thing proves your strength."

"Not if its revelation causes my whole life to unravel. I've ruined everything. Tosh… I don't know what to do, where to start trying to… I want to… I don't know anymore!" Ianto sat back, admitting defeat. He had tried to convince himself that he knew what he was doing. But he couldn't fight the facts anymore. He hadn't a clue what to do or how to fix this. And God did he want to. He really did. He didn't know how he wanted it to be fixed, but he wanted it fixed.

"Ianto… get a grip!" snapped Tosh. Ianto clammed up at once. "If you want any chance of us fixing this –and yes this will require all of us- you need to get yourself under control. So much pain could have been avoided if you just controlled yourself."

Ianto felt his own eyes flash in anger. Twice now he'd been told off for not controlling his own emotions. Was he not allowed to be emotional ever? Yes, he was well aware of his own mistakes from his bad temper, but he was sure he was allowed to-

"Ianto I'm not telling you to ignore your feelings, but you can't deny that you haven't exactly been letting them out the healthy way!"

Ianto nodded, conceding the point.

"But who in God's name knows how to handle emotions healthily in Torchwood?" he said, irritably. Tosh pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing deeply. "No, I'm not kidding Tosh. Look at how Gwen handled it, look how Owen handled it, look how you handle it. Archie can perceive emotions like an empathy, but he handles them as well as bloody Vulcan!"

Tosh blinked in surprise, and then laughed quietly, "I thought he was a really loud Scottish man… hard to imagine a Vulcan like that."

Ianto rolled his eyes, "Maybe, but he's a perfect fusion of it."

"How do you even know him? Tell me about her and him, and… just talk to me Ianto."

Ianto instantly felt the urge to snap his mouth shut and say nothing, a habit he'd developed over the years, because he was afraid letting one thing out would bring all of it out. But he met Tosh's eyes and knew she was striving to find something that made sense, that she was trying to re-establish a connection with him. And Ianto loved her all the more in that moment as he forced his walls down and began to talk to her.

"I was in Glasgow, I was about 18…"

He wouldn't mention Blaine, or anything that Michaela would want kept secret, but he realised he had far more in the story between him and her than just a painful battering from a bastard.

Tosh ate up every word, and even laughed as he tried to convey just how large Dubhtach had gotten in a year. The sound seemed to sooth the frayed nerves around Ianto's chest, and for the first time since Jack had made it clear that It hadn't been for him Ianto felt that something in his life was salvageable.

And Tosh was definitely worth salvaging.

All comments and thoughts are appreciated.

Night's Darkness