Obviously my Christmas has been rather boring, but at least I finished this chapter. It's rather good, I think. Thanks to Syril Silverleaf and dares to dream for telling me that I'd left all of the last chapter on bold so that I could fix it.

Merry Christmas!

Chapter 36

The blinding sheets of white snow hit me with the force of a galloping steed. I tightened my hold on my pony's halter and bent into the wind as to not fall over. The ponies were all tied together with lengths of rope and Tallulah, the most experienced in frozen conditions, led us all.

I slipped on a patch of ice and fell hard. Luckily, I was too padded for my fall to do any real damage. I scrambled up, struggling in the fierce wind.

Faolan grabbed my arm and steadied me. He was young, like me, but had grown up surviving solely off the land. He began to yell into my ear, but I could barely hear him. "Feel out the ground before you step!"

I nodded to show that I understood and forged forward to catch up with my pony.

It was bitter cold. I used to bathe naked in a icy mountain stream in the dead of winter back on the old fief and I had thought that that was the coldest I would ever get. Here, I knew that if I even took off my clothes, I would be frozen in minutes.

I almost ran into the pony in front of me, which had stopped. I halted exhaustedly.

Tallulah stepped from the swirling snow and leaned close to my ear. "We have to stop and rest. Tell Faolan to pass it down the line."

I nodded and walked slowly to Faolan, keeping one hand on the rope like I'd been taught. I told Faolan and he started to tell the soldier behind him.

Tallulah brought the ponies into a circle and tied them close to one another. Macarth and Cante began to set up the larger tent. We'd only be sleeping in one tonight, to conserve heat.

I stood still, not knowing what to do. Shainin placed his hand on my shoulder. "Could you dig into the ice?"

I created a sheet of grey fire that spread, melting the hard packed snow. It was harder than I thought it would be, since the wind wanted to scatter my magic across the tundra.

Macarth and Cante set the tent into the crevice that I had created and Tallulah anchored the ponies to an ice pick she wedged into the ground. Then, all ten of us scrambled into the tent meant for six, bringing our packs and supplies.

"Well," Shainin remarked, Brevan almost on his lap and his arm around Pirjo, "I can't say as I really mind this."

"Leave them alone or I'll leave my ice pick in your brain." Tallulah warned.

"But then what would we secure the horses with?" Shainin asked curiously. Brevan scooted away from him. "Let's have a light, shall we?"

I hung a dim light from the top of the tent so that everyone could see.

"We won't be able to lay out." Tiernay remarked. "Not unless we lay all on top of each other."

Tallulah stuck a thin rod through a little hole in the tent. "For ventilation."

"We'll just sit up then." Pirjo's eyes were also half-closed. She crossed her arms and leaned against her pack.

"Get your bedroll out first." Tallulah gently pulled on Pirjo's pack. "And try to drink something."

"We should all eat." Shainin began to fish around in his own pack.

"We're running out of food." Macarth grabbed Shainin's arm.

"We can't just not eat." Shainin argued.

"We need to ration more." Macarth insisted.

"We've been rationing." Shainin frowned. "If we cut down even more, we'll have next to nothing."

"It's alright." Pirjo mumbled. "I don't need anything."

Tallulah reached for her canteen, but it was frozen solid. She handed it to me, a questioning look in her eyes. I took it, quickly warming it up to a comfortable temperature. Master Salmalín had said that extreme cold would amplify my Gift. I could see now that it was true.

Tallulah held the bottle up to Pirjo's lips to help her drink. Pirjo weakly sipped at it, but some spilled over and down her chin.

Macarth reached into his pack and found some dried oatmeal. He wordlessly handed it to Tallulah, who began to feed it to Pirjo.

"What's wrong with her?" I leaned closer to Brevan, who was the closest to me.

"Exhaustion, I bet." Brevan looked worried too. "Can you do something?"

I shook my head. "My Gift is too...I'm more likely to harm her than heal her. I can keep her warm."

"Insulate the tent, if you can." Tallulah began to peel off Pirjo's boots and gloves. "She may have frostbite. And heat some more water."

I surrounded the tent in grey sheets of impermeable magic, leaving a thin tube for fresh air, and got to work melting all the frozen canteens.

Tallulah hissed as she inspected Pirjo's pale, yellow fingers. She pinched one, but there was no response from the drowsy woman.

Cante picked up a mitten. "The lining's been removed."

"She should have known." Tallulah growled. "Adda, we need the water a bit warmer."

"Has she got it?" I asked, obeying the woman and warming up the water. "Is it frostbite?"

Tallulah didn't answer. She opened up the canteen and tried to dip Pirjo's fingers in it, but the opening was too small. I took the canteen from her and molded it into a bowl. Tallulah nodded and lay Pirjo's fingers in it.

Shainin peeled the glove off Pirjo's other hand and held the hand close to the light for Tallulah to see. She grunted. "Put them in the water."

Everyone else who wasn't helping had begun inspecting their own bodies for signs of frostbite. I made the light a little brighter.

As her skin began to thaw out, Pirjo began to whimper. She thrashed a little, but Tallulah kept her pressed down. "Adda, hold her down while I get some herbs for the pain."

I rested my hand on Pirjo's shoulder, sending her a calming dream of springtime, fresh flowers, and frolicking newborn lambs in the waves of green grass. She stopped struggling and even smiled a little bit.

"Does she still need the herbs?" Tallulah asked. Her voice seemed far away.

"Yes." My answer was sluggish and reluctant. "I can't stay in here all night."

Tallulah forced the herbs into Pirjo's mouth. "C'mon, chew."

Inside the dream, I handed Pirjo a soft pastry. "Chew." I told her.

Dream-Pirjo chewed and the real Pirjo did too.

I drew out, slowly pulling Pirjo out of the dream. The herbs had kicked in and Pirjo only moaned a little.

"Are you alright?" Shainin grabbed my shoulder, shaking me out of my daze.

I nodded. "I was warm. It was nice. Is she going to be alright?"

"I'm trying to save her fingers." Tallulah held the fingertips in the water. "Get some rest."

"Can I help?" I leaned against my pack. Some of the others had already fallen asleep.

Tallulah patted my shoulder. "Sleep."

"I don't think this is what Shainin meant when he said foraging." Faolan crouched next to me uncertainly.

"He didn't specify." I carefully observed the shack. "Let's go."

We burst into the shack, holding out our swords and shouting loudly. The man froze, reaching for the stout stick that leaned against the fireplace. A quick flick of my wrist and the stick was halved. The women gathered her two little ones to her skirt and backed into a corner.

"We don't want to hurt you." I explained. "We need your food."

"But my children will starve!" The man protested. "I-"

"Give it to them!" The women clutched at her babies. "Just give it to them!"

"Adda," Faolan faltered. He began to lower his sword.

"Think of Pirjo." I gestured for the man to fetch the food.

The man raised his hands and slowly made his way towards the wooden chest.

"Slowly." I warned him.

He nodded and opened the chest, removing a bag of wheat flour, oats, some dried meat, and a fresh skinned rabbit. He tossed them onto the table. "There's more in the cellar."

"Faolan, put them in the bag." I ordered.

Faolan shook his head. "This isn't like stealing from the Etterites or filching food from a field. This is wrong, Adda, this is stealing from our own. The Baed wouldn't want it, he wouldn't want us to do this for him."

"Then what are we doing this for?" I shouted, angrily slamming my sword point into the wooden table, then wrenching it out again. "What is Pirjo doing this for?"

"Come on, let's go." Faolan hesitantly reached for my arm.

My heart pounded. The quivering children angered me, even the way the mother protected her children angered me. I growled deep in my throat, sheathing my sword and lashing out to grab the rabbit.

"We're sorry." Faolan apologized as he backed out of the shack. "We're very sorry."

I stalked back into the camp, tossing the rabbit by the fire and going to stand with the ponies. Behind me, I could hear Faolan quietly reporting to Shainin.

After a few minutes, Shainin joined me. He put his hand on my shoulder, but I shook him off.

"What's bothering you?" Shainin softly combed the mane of a pony with his fingers. When I didn't answer, he continued. "Pirjo is going to be fine. Tallulah has done this before."

I gritted my teeth. "That doesn't bother me. Faolan called me out during a job. He shouldn't have done that."

Shainin stepped a bit to the side so he could see my face. "Faolan has a right to call any of us out on anything he thinks is wrong."

"But during a job?" I frowned. "He could've gotten us killed."

Shainin raised his eyebrows. "It seemed like you had things under control."

I knew he was implying something, but I didn't want to fight with him. Instead, I made my face a blank. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

Shainin stood still for a moment, then sighed and left me standing by the horses.

"Pirjo." Tallulah gently pulled her up. "It's time. Adda, Macarth."

We stood to join her in the tent.

"Adda, I need as much light as you can give me." Tallulah requested. "And a flat surface, if you could?"

I illuminated the inside of tent, so brightly that my eyes hurt. I spread a sheet of my gift, so that it formed a sort of table. I tied it off so that I didn't have to concentrate so hard on it.

Tallulah slipped a small twig inside Pirjo's mouth to keep her from biting her tongue off. Pirjo began to tremble. "Don't cut off my hands, if you can help it. I need them to take care of my baby."

"She's got a son." Macarth mumbled. He was starting to look pale, but his hands didn't shake as he unwound the bandages.

"Sterilize this." Tallulah raised the saw-edged knife. I burned the blade with white-hot flame. "Put her in one of your trances."

Pirjo sent me one terrified, watery glance before I dropped her inside one of my dreams. I had worked on it all day so that I wouldn't have to think much about it during the amputation.

"Ready?" Tallulah asked.

Macarth nodded. "Ready."

I nodded too, but there was a lump in my throat.

Tallulah hesitated, leaving the knife a fraction above Pirjo's fingers before she pressed down. She began the cut a quarter inch beneath the blackened part of one finger. Blood began to seep out, then pump steadily. Macarth pressed on it with the cotton, then removed it so Tallulah could finish.

I watched with a sort of horrified fascination. Back on the fief, I'd seen the mage cut off a women's fingers because she stole a bit of food for her child. I'd only seen it from far away, and it had just been a quick slice and a lot of blood. This was more deliberate.

"Adda, are you still with me?" Tallulah asked, not taking her eyes off her work.

"Yes." I nodded.

"She'd better not come out of that trance." Tallulah reminded me.

"She won't." I promised.

Tallulah began to saw away on the bone. It made a soft, screechy noise, but the knife was sharp enough that it was over quickly. "Swab."

Macarth pressed against the stump and the cotton soaked through.

"Get this very hot." Tallulah held up a smaller, more delicate knife. "Very hot."

I burned it until it shone.

Tallulah pressed the knife against the stump, searing the wound to make it stop bleeding and to prevent infection. A sickly sweet smell filled the air and made me gag.

"If you're going to vomit, go outside!" Tallulah ordered. She was frowning, concentrating on sewing up the wound.

"I'm not." I managed to squeeze out. I breathed through my mouth and tried not to think too hard about the smell.

"Wrap that up tight." Tallulah watched Macarth bandage the stump, then went to work on the second finger. "Adda, try to clean some of the blood off the table. Use that rag over there."

I wiped away most of the blood.

The second finger went faster than the first, probably Macarth and I were getting used to the process and Tallulah didn't have to wait for us to do something.

"One hand down." Tallulah lay Pirjo's bandaged hand over the sleeping women's shoulder. "Three fingers on the next hand."

"What are you going to do with the fingers?" I asked, staring at the finger parts lying there as if it was perfectly natural for them to be apart from their hands.

"Why, you want them?" Tallulah smiled grimly.

Macarth turned an odd shade of green and fled the tent. Outside, we could him heaving into the snow.

"You shouldn't have done that." I remarked.

Tallulah seemed amused. "Maybe. Can you handle swabbing?"

"Yes." I took up the cotton.

"Need any help in there?" Shainin asked, standing outside the tent.

"No, Adda's taking care of it." Tallulah called back. "You take care of Macarth."

I watched Tallulah expertly work on the first finger of Pirjo's left hand. "I wish I could heal." I was a bit wistful.

"Why can't you?" Tallulah questioned.

"I never had a teacher when I was a child." I shrugged. "By the time I got one, it was too late and I couldn't do the small things."

"Was your teacher as powerful as you?" She wondered.

"He was the greatest mage in the country." I grinned. "Probably north of the Inland Sea as well."

"Could he heal?" Tallulah started on the second finger.

"No." I frowned. "But he could do everything else, it seems like."

"You miss him?" She asked. "Swab."

"Yah." I shrugged, trying to block out the hurt. "A little."

Tallulah tied off the thread and offered me the knife. "You want to do the last one?"

I hesitated, only reaching for the knife when Tallulah began to pull it away. I laid it on the last finger, waiting for her instruction.

"Cut the flesh. You've got to put a bit of pressure, but not enough to cut the bone." She watched me like a hawk. "Cut all the way around."

The knife slipped on the blood, but I steadied it.

"Good." Tallulah nodded. "Now start to cut on the bone. Cut further back than you cut the skin. Leave some skin hanging out for me to sew up. Make a clean cut."

I sawed away at the bone, watching little fragments fall away. It didn't take long until the blade cut through completely. I heated up the blade and stopped the bleeding.

"I'll sew it up." Tallulah threaded the needle and pulled the thread through the loose skin. "Why don't you start cleaning this up?"

I wiped off the blades we had been using and laid them on a scrap of cloth. "I can just burn all this blood up after you're done."

Tallulah nodded and finished the stitches. She bandaged up the finger and laid the hand across Pirjo's chest. I destroyed the magical table and the blood with a quick flash of fire.

"You want me to do away with the fingers?" I gingerly picked up the cloth bag they had been put in.

"Unless you're going to give them to Macarth."

I burned them all up, remembering not to breathe through my nose.

"Can you keep in the trance if you leave the tent?" Tallulah asked.

"As long as I stay within a hundred feet." I replied.

"Then you can go get some of the rabbit they're cooking." Tallulah nodded towards a bucket of water by the door. "Wash your hands and put your mittens back on before you leave."

Around the fire, they looked up at me with curious, nervous, and in Macarth's case, ashamed, faces. I sat down, taking the cup of rabbit soup I was offered.

After allowing me to take a few bites, Tiernay began the questioning. "How'd it go?"

"Alright." I shrugged. "Tallulah took five of the fingers off."

"Four." Tallulah corrected, emerging from the tent. "Adda took the other one."

"You cut?" Macarth sounded dejected.

"If she wasn't such a mage, we'd have to send her to healers to be trained." Tallulah praised.

I looked up in surprise. "It wasn't that hard. Anyone of us could've done it."

"Without throwing up?" Tiernay shook his head. "I doubt it."

I didn't answer and chewed up the tender rabbit. I was glad I'd stolen it.

Karel grinned at me, shaking the blond hair from his eyes. "You did real good."

"Where'd you come from?" I asked, trying to throw my arms around him.

Karel shook his head and pushed me away, just like he would have back home. "Who cares, right? A better place than where you're at right now."

"I'd believe it." I said humorlessly.

"You could've cut our hands off." Karel held his hands up and clenched his fingers.

"What?" I asked, stepping back. "Don't talk like that."

"Why?" Karel laughed. "You're cutting off fingers, why not hands?"

"Stop."

"It wouldn't be that hard." Karel mimicked cruelly. A thin line of blood wrapped its way around his wrists. "Just one little slice, one little slice and then saw through the bone. How nice and pretty you did it for that girl in there. Wasn't that way for us. Just an ax, just an ax and an awful crunch and then the pain. Wasn't any dream-trances to send us to. Just-"

"Shut up!" I pushed Karel back. "Why do you do this? I don't want to see you if you're going to do this."

Karel pushed back. "Too bad you don't have a choice. We're coming for you, no matter what you want."

I cried out in horror as the army of armless men and one woman walked towards me through the fire. "I didn't do it! None of this was my fault!"

Lejo laughed and reached for me with his bloody stumps. The flames curled all around us and the bodies danced in the flames like hangmen. I burned, watching my fingers turn black and fall off. Then, my wrists started to crumble and caved in. Karel pushed me back, holding me still in the flames. Worms crawled through his empty eye sockets and the white gleam of bone shone through his decaying skin.

I screamed, and screamed, and screamed.

Someone slapped me across the face and the sharp pain only made me struggle harder.

"Don't you dare hit her again!" Shainin sounded furious.

"I'm sorry, she was plain unnerving!" Someone, Raith maybe, apologized.

"Adda, stop that." Shainin put his hands over my mouth. "It's alright. We're here. Stop screaming."

I finally realized where I was and closed my mouth. In a cold sweat, I shook and shivered.

"I shouldn't have let her help." Tallulah remarked.

Pirjo whimpered, beginning to wake up. Tallulah forced some of the herbs in her mouth. Pirjo woke up anyway.

"My hands?" Pirjo raised them up to look at them. Her eyes met mine. "I've got no hands left."

"It's not my fault." My blood ran cold. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

Tallulah sent me a confused look, then consoled Pirjo. "No, you've only lost parts of some fingers. You've still got your hands. Adda, can you put her back?"

I tried. The fields weren't there, the warm sun wasn't there. "I can't."

"Try again!" Tallulah snapped, forcing herbs into Pirjo's mouth.

"I can't!" I shot back.

"Try harder!" Tallulah bellowed, as Pirjo began to writhe in pain.

I sent a prayer to Nadia, though she couldn't hear me in this godforsaken land, and breathed slowly. The fief seemed so far away. I gave Pirjo a dream of the warm fireplace in the council room.

"Are you alright?" Brevan handed me a canteen.

I nodded, gulping down the water.

"My heart's racing, I won't be able to fall back asleep." Raith sounded breathless.

"Sorry." I forced out, dripping water down my chin.

"Don't apologize." Shainin rested his hand on my shoulder. "It's not your fault."

Tallulah finished administering to Pirjo, and moved on to me. "Do you have a fever?" She felt my forehead.

"No." I shook my head. "I just do this. I hadn't for a while."

"Isn't there some way you can put yourself in a dream?" Tallulah asked. "To help you get enough rest?"

"I might never want to come out." I grimaced.

"Then let's not do that." Tallulah wiped the sweat off my forehead with the corner of my bedroll. "What helps you to not have nightmares?"

I tried hard not to look at Shainin. "Not sleeping?"

"That's not going to work." Tallulah commented. "We'll have to figure something out."

"I'll be fine for tonight." I sat up. "I've gotten enough sleep. I don't feel tired anymore."

"Are you sure?" Tallulah asked. "I can stay up with you."

"I'm fine."

Tallulah and Brevan lay back down, and soon enough, their breathing evened out.

"You're not fine." Shainin scared me. I hadn't known he was still awake.

"I said I was." I shrugged.

"And I didn't believe you." Shainin put his arm around me, moving closer. "Put your head on my shoulder."

I obeyed. "I really hate waking people up. It's the trouble with sleeping with a lot of people."

"You never had nightmares with me." Shainin remarked.

"You tired me out." I pointed out. "Why do you think I came for you in the first place?"

"My irresistible beauty?" Shainin asked.

I laughed quietly.

"Just sleep, alright." Shainin hugged me tight.

"Alright." I closed my eyes and gradually slowed my breathing, so that he'd think I'd fallen asleep. His arm loosened its hold on me and he began to snore lightly. I opened my eyes and stared into the blackness.